PANIC

Chapter Thirteen - ROOK

After dinner Spencer goes out to the shop to work on his bikes and Ford kicks back on the couch, setting up my camera, as I do dishes. Every other word out of his mouth is ‘fuck’.

“How’s it going in there?”

“Fuck.”

“You don’t have to do that, you know. I can ask one of the camera guys tomorrow.”

He grunts in response.

“You know, I think that white thing on the floor by your foot is actually the manual.”

He looks up at me slowly and screws up his face, then goes back to pretending to not need said three-hundred-page book on the floor.

Typical man.

“Tell me what this school stuff is about, Ford. I’m starting to freak out a little. I’m not ready for that. I’m barely making it in math and—”

“I hired you a tutor, stop worrying,” he says as he messes with a camera lens.

“What tutor?”

“At the community college. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays at seven PM. Just show up, I already set it up and he’ll show you exactly what to do so you pass the tests.”

I’m staring at him over the bar that separates the kitchen from the living room. “Him who?”

“Um—” Ford gets up and grabs the envelope and shuffles though the paperwork. “Gage something. He’s a senior in engineering. Sounds like a real nerd, which means he’s perfect.” Ford goes back to the camera gear and snaps in the battery. “There, I think it’s ready now. But you will need to read the manual, otherwise you might as well be using your iPhone to make movies.”

I start the dishwasher and go plop down on the couch next to Ford. “Thank you. I’m so excited about this. I’m gonna start making movies like now.”

He puts his arm around me and gives me a squeeze. “You’re gonna be good at this, I can tell. You wanna go shoot Spencer in compromising positions and then edit the shit out of it to make him look stupid?”

I lean over and kiss Ford on the cheek. It’s impulsive and he almost has a small freakout before he shuts it off. “Sorry, didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, but you’re awesome.”

He disentangles himself from me and gets up, pulling me up with him. “I enjoy it, Rook. Being with you feels normal. I should be thanking you.”

We grab all the gear and spend the rest of the evening fucking around with Spencer in the shop. We even get him to lip-sync that Bad to the Bone song into a socket wrench. And by the time I get back to my basement apartment I’m feeling a lot better about my decision to come up here and live with Spence to do this show. My phone beeps an incoming text just as I settle back on my couch and turn on the TV.

My heart flutters a little as I read the text.

Dear Rook (AKA Gidget),

I’ve never had the urge to write a love letter but I’m lying in bed, looking over at your side, wondering if I can somehow change your mind about this whole deal and talk you into coming the fuck home. (I’m a selfish asshole, I know.) But I get that you need this so I’ll just say this instead: I felt like I was leaving a piece of my soul behind the moment I left. And every second that passes, I miss you like that, times a million.

Love,

Ronin (AKA Larue)

I press call under his name and he picks up on the first ring. “Ronin Flynn, you are like a door.”

He laughs. “It was that touching, huh?”

“Not a window where you can see through to the other side and be sure of what’s coming. But a door, still closed and leading to every opportunity imaginable and requiring a leap of faith that the risk is worth it. You are my doorway to endless possibilities and I’m ready to take that risk.”

I can hear him swallow on the other end and when he’s done his words rumble out in his deep, sexy voice. “Rook, I’m not a risk, I’m a sure thing. You’re the only girl I want to build a future with. Ever. You’re the one, Rook. The love that only comes around once in a lifetime and I refuse to settle for anything else.”

He’s perfect. Simply perfect. “I love your love letter, Larue. It made me sigh like a schoolgirl.”

“Well, you are a schoolgirl, right? I think I’m gonna have to go looking for a little tartan skirt and some knee socks. Dress you all up in a sexy outfit this weekend.”

“If you do that, I might have to be bad on purpose, Mr. Flynn.”

“Don’t tease, Gidget, or I’ll spank you.”

“You promise that so much and never come through. I hardly get excited about it anymore.”

He guffaws this time and I can practically picture his gorgeous smile lighting up his electric blue eyes. “I can’t fucking wait until Friday.”

I giggle a little as I picture our Friday. “I might just ditch class early, Mr. Flynn.”

“And that will earn you two spankings, Miss Corvus.”

“Promises, promises.”

After Ronin and I hang up I read the text over and over again. A letter. It’s sorta old-fashioned and sweet. I look over at the camera and the idea that started this morning with saying goodbye to my latest journey through life with a wrap-up of Chaput Studios gives me another one. I set up the camera on the small kitchen table, sit down in front of it, and turn it on. I take a deep breath and begin to talk.

“Dear Rook at age fifteen. Your life is not over. Wade Minix was not your one. I wish you’d stop crying and being depressed and just make yourself get over it, because I’m Rook at age twenty and I know better. I know that your one is waiting for you five years in the future and his name is not Wade. I wish I could warn you to stay far, far away from that diner where you meet Jon. I wish I could warn you that moving out to that house with him in the country will be the biggest mistake of your life.”

I take a deep breath and then continue.

“I wish I could tell you what to watch out for, when to say no, when to walk out, and when to never look back. But I can’t. Because you need to do all those things without my help. You need to learn all those lessons. You need to experience all that fear and pain and desperation. You need to see all that stuff. Because at the end of all those bad things, there is a sweet and gentle man named Ronin Flynn.”

The tears start to flow down my face as I allow myself to feel a small fraction of the emotions I’ve bottled up in the name of survival since I left Chicago.

I get up and turn the camera off and take another deep breath.

I’m ready.

I’m ready to accept what happened and let it go. I’m not quite sure how I’m gonna do that and I’m not quite sure what will happen when I confront the past and take a good hard look at all those memories. I just know that I’m tired of pretending that girl is not me. Ronin deserves a girl who is whole. He’s done so much for me that I owe him this. I owe him a whole girl who can accept his protection and love without constantly being afraid she’ll make the same mistake twice.