PANIC

Chapter Fourteen - RONIN

After Rook and I hang up I lie on the couch and halfheartedly watch The Last Samurai as I think about making love to her this morning. She’s definitely getting more adventurous, but I still feel the need to be careful with her.

A knock brings me out of the daydream and I jump up and jog over to the door. It can only be one of three people. Clare, Elise, or Antoine. That’s one thing about living in a secure building. No unexpected visitors.

The door lock clicks as I open it and Clare is smiling at me from the other side of the threshold. “Hey, what’s up, little chick?” She’s wearing some pink shorts and a white tank top, looking totally cute.

“Can I come in?”

I throw the door open wide. “Mi casa and all that shit, right?”

She laughs. “Right.” She eyes my outfit now. I’m only wearing a pair of baggy black sweatpants cut off mid-thigh and her gaze lingers on my bare chest a little too long. I clear my throat and wave her over to the couch. She takes a seat in the middle so I plop down next to her and put my arm around her shoulders. “You came to hang out and watch movies? Or you have something on your mind?”

She looks up at me with those blue eyes of hers and I can’t help but smile. “I just needed to say it in person, that’s all. When I’m not high, or crying, or a total mess in all the other ways in which I’m normally a total fucking mess.”

I squeeze her a little. “Say what?”

“Thank you. I really mean it, Ronin. I know you put up with a lot from me last summer. I was a total pain in your ass and I probably made your life more difficult than it needed to be. So I’m sorry for that.”

“Hey,” I say, taking her chin and lifting it up so she has to look at me. “You’re family, right? I love you. You’re part of me now and I’m not gonna let you give up. I never understood what that drug was to people, but I know now. After watching you struggle and go through all that pain, I know. But you’re a fighter, Clare. And I have an idea about what you’re feeling, so just put those doubts out of your head. You’re gonna make it. You’re over the worst and now it’s just maintaining, right?”

She swallows hard and leans back against my chest. I automatically sit back into the couch cushions and pull her in next to me.

“You’re a good guy, Ronin. I totally messed up when I blew it with you back in high school.”

“Yeah, well. Bygones, OK? Don’t dwell on my silly high-school crush. I’m happy with how things shook out. You’ll find the right guy, Clare. You’re fucking beautiful, and smart, and French.”

She laughs and then turns her head up to look at me. “But—maybe, if things don’t work out with you and Rook, you might give me another chance?”

I laugh a little. “Well, I hate to disappoint you because I’m gonna marry Rook. But I promise, if things go bad, I’ll call you first, OK?”

Her fingertip traces along my lower arm and sends a chill through my whole body. “I miss you.”

I push her off and get up because this is not gonna happen. “I’m tired, OK? I gotta get some sleep so Roger and I can get everything ready for the test shoots on Monday. Maybe you can help us choose the girls, eh? You have a good eye for that, right?”

Clare drags herself up from the couch and walks off slowly, not turning back until the front door is open and she’s about to walk through. “Everyone can see she’s a mess, Ronin. She’s not gonna stick around.”

Clare pulls the door closed behind her before I can object so I just stand there, holding my breath as I internalize those words. Ford pretty much said the same thing. She’s checking out, Ronin. That’s what he said. And even though Clare knows nothing about Rook, she’s right. Rook is a mess. She’s looking pretty good on the outside, but the stuff she’s covering up on the inside is another matter. I grab my phone off the coffee table and press Spencer.

“Yeeeello.”

“Yello? Dude, you sound like a fucking eighty-year-old grandpa.”

“And your point is? Grandpas are cool, everyone loves a grandpa.”

“Pfft, obviously you’ve never been to the Chaput family compound in France.”

“I hear that papi of yours is a real killer.”

“Yeah, like literally. He ran over the baker last month with his fucking bicycle. There were baguettes everywhere, made the guy sprain his ankle. He’s lucky he’s not in jail.”

Spencer laughs. “OK, well, what the fuck do you want? I got nothing to tell you, really, Rook seems fine. We had dinner, she did the dishes because I cooked and you know Ford, he’s not about to lower himself to do domestic work. Then they came out to the shop and filmed me with her new camera, trying to bait me into saying something stupid so they could edit it down and embarrass me. She’s OK.”

I let out a long breath. “I dunno, Ford said—”

“Why the fuck, Ronin—after all these years, after all the bullshit between the two of you—why the hell are you even wasting one fucking second on what that asshole has to say about your fucking girlfriend? I mean seriously.”

“Because he’s been noticing some really fucked-up signs, Spencer. Stuff that only he would see, stuff that makes me sick to even think about.”

“Oh.”

Silence.

“Yeah, oh. And I have to say, now that he’s put it out there, I can sorta see it too. I think she needs real help, Spence. She pretends like none of those years with Jon Walsh ever happened. Or actually, maybe she’s not pretending. Maybe she’s legitimately blocked it out and she can’t remember? And Ford said she’s gonna leave. He doesn’t think she’ll stick around.”

More silence.

“Spence?”

“Yeah, I’m here. Just thinking is all. God, I fucking hope he’s wrong. Do you think he’s wrong? It was just your run-of-the-mill abusive relationship, right? I can’t even think about that other shit.”

“I want to believe he’s wrong too, I really do. But I don’t think he is. I mean, Ford knows. And they are very close right now. He spends a lot of time with her. She trusts him. They might, in fact, be BFFs or something.”

It’s Spencer’s turn to let out a long breath. “Well, maybe she needs a new best friend? I’ll call Veronica and see if she’ll invite Rook to hang out. Plus, she’s got that coupon for a free—”

“Spencer, do not tat up my girl, OK? I like her the way she is.”

“Yeah, well, I’ll call up Ronnie and see if she’ll take her shopping or something. Rook needs girlfriends anyway. It’s not good for her to hang out with so many guys.”

“Yeah, tell me about it.”

“I’ll keep my eye on her. I think Ford’s gonna—oh, hold on, here he is—”

There’s some shuffling sounds as the phone is passed to Ford, then some muffled talking.

“How can I help you, Ronin?”

“I’m not sure. I’m just worried about her.”

“She seems fine for now. She was in a good mood tonight. She’s in bed. I’ll wake her up early to run stadiums in town, and she’s got the party tomorrow night, and schoolwork. Her days will be full. She might just settle down and be fine.”

“Or she might not.”

“Right, well, we’ll have to wait and see. I’ll do my best to see if I can persuade her to seek help, but it’s touchy. She won’t put up with a lot of pushing from me. She walks away angry.”

“She walks away from everyone. Including me. I can’t push her either.”

“So why are you?”

“What choice do I have? Just let her hold it all in until it explodes?”

“I told you about Wade. I think she should talk to him. Maybe that will spur her in one direction or another?”

Silence from me now.

“If she chooses him, then there’s nothing you can do, Ronin.”

More silence from me.

“She won’t choose him, though. I’ve spied on him, sifted through all his online records. He’s not her type anymore.” He waits a few seconds to see if I’ll respond, but I don’t. “Well, it’s been fun. Here’s Spencer.”

“Yeeeello.”

I laugh a little. “You’re a dumbass.”

“Hey, if it’ll make you feel any better, I’ll go kiss her goodnight for you.”

“Asshole. OK, I’ll check in tomorrow.”

“Later, Larue.”

The line goes silent before I can respond to Spencer’s dig.

Nothing I can do. Ford is right, this is all about her and there’s just nothing I can do.