Primeval and Other Times

THE TIME OF IZYDOR

When Ruta left Primeval and it became clear she wasn’t coming back, Izydor decided to enter a monastery.

There were two monastic orders in Jeszkotle – a women’s and a men’s. The nuns ran an old people’s home. He often saw them taking their shopping home by bicycle. They tended the neglected graves at the cemetery. Their contrasting black-and-white habits stood out against the washed out greyness of the rest of the world.

The male order was called the Reformers of God. For a long time Izydor watched the sad, bleak building hidden behind a crumbling stone wall before setting off there. He noticed that the same two monks spent the whole time working in the garden. In silence they grew vegetables and white flowers. Only white ones – lilies, snowdrops, anemones, white peonies, and dahlias. One of the monks, who must have been the most important, made trips to the post office and did the shopping. The rest had to be shut in the mysterious interior forever. They devoted themselves to God. That was what Izydor liked best – to be separated from the world, deeply immersed in God. To get to know God, examine the order of the works He created, and finally answer the questions why Ruta had left, why his mother had fallen ill and died, why his father had died, why people and animals were killed in the war, and why God allowed evil and suffering.

If Izydor were accepted into the order, Paweł would no longer call him a scrounger. He would stop sneering at him and mocking him. Izydor wouldn’t have to keep seeing all the places that reminded him of Ruta.

He confided his plans to Misia. She burst out laughing.

“Give it a try,” she said, wiping a child’s bottom.

Next day he went to Jeszkotle and rang the old-fashioned bell at the monastery door. For a long time nothing happened – maybe it was a test of his patience. Finally, however, the bolt grated and an old man in a dark-grey habit, whom he had never seen before, opened the door to him.

Izydor said why he had come. The monk was not surprised and did not smile. He nodded and told Izydor to wait. Outside. The door grated shut. A quarter of an hour later it opened again, and Izydor was allowed to come inside. Now the monk led him along corridors, down stairs and up, all the way to a spacious, empty hall, where there was a desk and two chairs. After another ten minutes or so a different monk came into the hall, the one who went to the post office.

“I’d like to join the order,” declared Izydor.

“Why?” the monk simply asked.

Izydor cleared his throat.

“The woman I wanted to marry has left. My parents have died. I feel lonely and I yearn for God, although I don’t understand Him. I know we could have a closer relationship if I got to know Him better. I’d like to do that by reading books, in foreign languages, on various theories. However, the local library is poorly stocked…” Izydor had to refrain from complaining about the library. “But please do not think I would do nothing but read. I’d like to do something useful, and I know that this order, the Reformers of God, is exactly what I need. I’d like to make change for the better, to redress all manner of evil…”

The monk interrupted Izydor in mid-sentence.

“To change the world… you say. That’s very interesting, but unrealistic. The world is impossible to make better or worse. It is bound to remain just as it is.”

“Yes, but you are called reformers, aren’t you?”

“Oh, you have misunderstood, my dear boy. We have no intention of reforming the world in anybody’s name. We reform God.”

There was a moment’s silence.

“How can you reform God?” asked the surprised Izydor at last.

“You can. People change. Times change. Cars, satellites… God might sometimes seem… how should I put it, anachronistic, and He is too big, too mighty, and thus a touch indolent as well, to fit people’s imaginations.”

“I thought God was unchanging.”

“Each of us is wrong about something essential. That is a purely human trait. Saint Milo, the founder of our order, proved that if God were unchanging, if He came to a standstill, the world would cease to exist.”

“I don’t believe that,” said Izydor with conviction.

The monk stood up, so Izydor got up, too.

“Come back to us when you feel the need.”

“I don’t like it,” said Izydor to Misia when he went into the kitchen.

Then he lay down on his bed, which stood right in the centre of the attic, just under the skylight. The small rectangle of sky was like a picture, a holy picture that could hang in a church.

Whenever Izydor saw the sky and the four points of the compass he felt like praying, but the older he got, the harder it was for the words of the familiar prayers to come to his mind. Instead thoughts appeared in his head that made holes in his prayers and tore them to pieces. So he tried to concentrate and imagine the figure of an unchanging God in the starry picture. But his imagination always produced an image that his mind could not accept. Once it was an old man sprawling on a throne with such a cold, severe look on his face that Izydor instantly blinked and drove him out of the skylight frame. Another time God was a sort of wavering, fluttering spirit, so volatile and indefinite as to be unbearable. Sometimes underneath the figure of God there was someone real impersonating him, most often Paweł, and then Izydor lost the desire to pray. He sat on his bed and swung his legs in the air. And then he discovered that what he found difficult about God was God’s gender.

And then, not without a sense of guilt, he saw Him in the frame of the skylight as a woman, She-God, or whatever She should be called. It brought him relief. He found it far easier to pray to Her than it had ever been before. He spoke to Her as to a mother. This went on for some time, but finally along with his prayers he started feeling a vague anxiety, which expressed itself by sending waves of heat through his body.

God was a woman, large, powerful, damp, and steaming like the earth in spring. She-God existed somewhere in space, like a storm cloud full of water. Her power was overwhelming, and reminded Izydor of some childhood experience that he feared. Every time he addressed Her, She answered him with a comment that gagged him. He couldn’t go on speaking, the prayer lost any thread it had, any intention. It was impossible to want anything from She-God, it was only possible to imbibe Her, breathe Her, or dissolve in Her.

One day, when Izydor was staring at his piece of sky, he had a revelation. He realised that God is neither a man nor a woman. He knew it as he uttered the words “O God.” Here lay the solution to the problem of God’s gender. By making it into one word, “Ogod,” it sounded neither masculine or feminine, but neutral, just like “oak tree,” “opal,” “ocean,” “odour,” “oatmeal,” “omen,” “open,”… Izydor excitedly repeated the real divine name that he had discovered, and every time he did, he knew more and more. So Ogod was young, and at the same time had existed since the beginning of the world or even earlier, without cease (because “Ogod” reminded him of “over and over”), it was unique and unrepeatable (“only”), and it was the start and finish of everything (“omega”), though if you tried to find it, it wasn’t there (“n-owhere”). Ogod was full of love and joy, but could also be cruel and dangerous. It contained all the features and attributes that are present in the world, and took on the form of every thing, every event, every time. It created and destroyed, or allowed what It created to destroy itself. It was unpredictable like a child, like someone insane. In a way It was a bit like Ivan Mukta. Ogod existed in such an obvious way that Izydor wondered how he could ever have failed to realise it.

This discovery brought him genuine relief. Whenever he thought about it, somewhere inside he felt a burst of laughter. Izydor’s soul was chuckling away. He stopped going to church, too, which met with Paweł’s approval.

“Though I don’t think they’d let you join the Party,” he said one day at breakfast, to dispel any hopes his brother-in-law might have.

“Paweł, you don’t have to chew porridge,” Misia pointed out to him.

Izydor couldn’t care less about either the Party or going to church. Now he needed time for thinking, remembering Ruta, for reading, for learning German, for writing letters, collecting stamps, staring at his skylight, and gradually, idly sensing the order of the universe.