Purrfect Revenge

Chapter 15

The killer was caught so we could finally relax. That night, while the Pooles were sleeping peacefully, Dooley, Harriet and I snuck out. After all that hard work, it was time to have some fun. Odelia had given us some extra-special treats, and we were ready to sing our hearts out. You may think it’s weird that cats would join a choir, but to be honest it’s just an excuse to shoot the breeze. Hampton Cove Park is pretty quiet at night, which makes it perfect to do a little hunting, a little tittle-tattling and a little partying.

“Do you think Brutus will be nicer after Odelia’s speech?” asked Dooley.

“I think Brutus will be super-nice,” said Harriet. “We’re all friends now.”

She was in a great mood. The four of us being friends had been her dream all along, and now it was finally happening. I wasn’t so confident that Brutus was my friend now. Especially after what he told me: you’re going down. That didn’t sound like something a friend would say. At least I didn’t think so.

“It’s so great we caught the killer,” said Harriet, prancing gaily.

“It’s so great we caught the killer,” Dooley corrected her. “Max and I caught Dion, remember?”

“Yes, but Brutus helped, and since I’m his muse, I helped too.”

It was the kind of convoluted logic I had a hard time understanding. Taken to its conclusion, you could argue that the whole world had helped catch the killer, while in fact Dooley and I had done all the hard work. Of course you could argue that if Brutus hadn’t locked us up in the spa, we’d never have been forced to climb that pipe and end up in Dion Dread’s closet. Honestly, with that kind of reasoning you could prove pretty much anything.

“And I’m so glad that you and Brutus are going to be besties!” she cried.

Dooley and I shared a glance and shook our heads. Yeah, right.

We’d walked around Odelia’s house to the street and were now traipsing along, heading for the park. The moon was out and it was a beautiful night. One of those nights where humans like to bring out the barbecue set and the air is redolent with the smell of grilled meat, smoke and burned grease. Yum. But since it was way past midnight, the only scent I could pick up was ocean brine, the wind picking up a little. In spite of that, it was still warm out. The perfect night for cat choir. We crossed the street and found the park deserted, which was exactly the way we liked it. Humans tend to cramp our style.

“Brutus is such a great singer,” said Harriet. “I’m so curious to see what songs he’s got in line for us tonight. Don’t you feel that since he took over from Shanille we’ve improved so much? He’s a great conductor but an even greater coach. Sometimes I feel like he should be on The Voice Cats. He’s got Adam Levine’s focus and Blake Shelton’s heart and sense of humor and he’s really concerned about our musical development. I mean, he cares so much.”

On and on she prattled. Dooley and I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. Not that we tried to. When Harriet gushes about Brutus there’s no stopping her.

We entered the park and made our way to the venue we'd selected for cat choir practice. It was a small clearing with a few benches, which we used to set up the different voice types. You had your sopranos, your altos, your tenors and your basses. Personally I'd always felt I was an alto, but Brutus had dumped me in with the basses. I didn't like it. They didn't have an interesting score. Harriet, of course, was a soprano, and always got to sing the solos. She was our very own Kiri Te Kanawa. The people who lived around the park got to enjoy our nocturnal concerts, too. Though they didn't seem to appreciate them all that much. At least judging from all the abuse they hurled at us. And the shoes. Everyone's a critic, I guess.

As we padded up to the clearing, I saw Shanille was already there, and so were about a dozen of the regulars, all gabbing away to their heart’s content.

“Oh, there’s Brutus,” said Harriet, and she was about to streak forward when she noticed Brutus wasn’t alone. He was chatting with a gorgeous Siamese and a very red, very fat old cat who sat chewing on something.

“Hey, isn’t that Princess?” Dooley asked. “And look. There’s George.”

I nodded, transfixed. I liked Princess. In fact I liked her a lot. She was John Paul George's cat, the famous eighties pop singer who recently died at his Hamptons home. He'd lived there with his twelve cats, the oldest of which was George. The cats now lived with Johnny's boyfriend Jasper Pruce, who probably took even better care of them than Johnny had.

The fat cat caught sight of us and came waddling over, a big smile on his face. “Hey, you guys,” he said. George must have watched too many Marlon Brando movies, because he sounded like the actor’s character in The Godfather. “Princess told me you’ve got yourselves a genuine cat choir here, so I figured we might check you out. We already met your conductor. Brutus.”

I nodded, still staring at Princess. The moon lit up her white fur, and she looked even more gorgeous than I remembered. God, she was pretty.

“Welcome to the show, George,” Dooley said. “Are you going to join?”

“Nah. I have no singing talent whatsoever. Just thought I’d watch.”

George was a British cat, who’d come over from the old country along with John Paul George, when the latter had tried to make a career in America. He was probably the oldest cat I’d ever met, but he still looked great. Probably all that grade A cat food Jasper fed his menagerie.

While George and Dooley got reacquainted, I trotted over to Princess.

“Hi, Max,” she said in that sultry, smoky voice of hers.

“Hi, Princess,” I breathed. I couldn’t keep my eyes off her.

“You two know each other?” Brutus asked, sounding surprised.

“We met,” said Princess, and gave me a bright smile that melted my heart.

“I was just telling Princess I might let her sing the solo tonight,” Brutus said with a curious look in my direction.

“Oh, that’s so wonderful of you, Brutus,” said Princess. “I won’t disappoint you. I sat by John Paul George’s side for years, singing along. I like to think he drew inspiration from my presence. All artists need a muse, and I wouldn’t be surprised if I was his.”

I knew I was gawking, but I couldn’t stop. I think I was drooling, too.

“A celebrity such as yourself deserves a spot in the limelight,” said Brutus, nodding. “If you like we can work on your solos one on one. Do some private coaching. I don’t like to brag, but I’m something of a musical prodigy myself.”

“You would do that for me? That’s so sweet of you, Brutus.”

I heard a strangled sound and when I looked over my shoulder I saw that it was Harriet. She was staring at Brutus and Princess, making strange noises at the back of her throat. Either she was going to throw up, or throw a hissy fit and hit Brutus. Either way, she wasn’t happy. And neither was I.

“I started cat choir to give struggling young artists such as yourself their first break,” Brutus continued suavely. “Kind of like a mentorship.”

“You didn’t start cat choir,” Harriet said. “Max started cat choir.”

At the mention of my name, I snapped out of my stupor. She was right. Brutus was putting the moves on Princess, and I was letting him.

“Yeah, I started cat choir,” I said. “Dooley and I did.”

Princess turned a pair of cool blue eyes on me. “You started cat choir?”

“Yes, they did,” said Harriet heatedly. “And what’s more, I’m the choir’s lead soprano. I have the best voice. I sing the solos. Not you. Me.”

Princess fluttered her eyes over Harriet, apparently wasn’t impressed, and dismissed her with a flick of her paw. “I’d be delighted to sing the lead.”

“Didn’t you hear what I just said?!” Harriet exclaimed. “Tell her, Brutus. Tell her I sing the solos.”

“Now, now,” said Brutus airily. “This is not the time for petty rivalries. We have to think of cat choir. What’s good for cat choir is good for all of us. And what we need right now is to boost our reputation. Attract top talent. A celebrity like Princess adds luster to the lineup. And luster is what we want.”

For a moment, I thought Harriet was going to do a Miss Piggy and smack Brutus in the face, but at the last moment she restrained herself, and simply lifted both her head and her tail high, gave Princess the dirtiest look I’ve ever seen, and stalked off. We’d entered some regular Black Swan territory now.

“Look, you don’t get to decide who sings the solos,” I told Brutus.

“Oh, yes, I do,” he said, casting a worried look after Harriet.

I turned to Princess. “If anyone is the musical expert around here, it’s me. Brutus may be the conductor, but I’m the beating heart of this choir. I’m the heart and soul of cat choir. So if anyone is going to be coaching you, it’s me.”

“Is that a fact?” asked Brutus.

“That is a fact,” I said.

He narrowed his eyes at me, and raised an extended claw. The same claw he used to direct the choir. “You may have started this choir, buddy, but without me you’d still be a ragtag clowder of bumbling amateurs. It took a real leader like me to turn this hapless bunch of losers into a real choir.”

“Oh, you certainly are a real leader, Brutus,” Princess said. She placed her paw on his front leg and felt his bicep. “And you’re so very strong.”

I drew up closer and puffed out my chest. “You’ll have to forgive Brutus, Princess. He’s new in town. He doesn’t know I started this choir to build a sense of community here in Hampton Cove. Forge bonds. Inspire friendship. That’s what I do. I’m a community leader. A leader of the community.”

“I can see that,” said Princess. She let go of Brutus, draped her front leg through mine and squeezed my non-existent bicep. “I like you, Max.”

I practically coughed up a hairball. “I like you, too,” I squeaked.

“You’re a regular musical prodigy,” Princess said. “Sing something.”

“Huh?”

“Sing something for me. Give me a sample of your talent.”

I cast about helplessly for a moment, but when I caught Brutus grinning at me, I pulled myself together and sang the first thing that came to mind. “Is it too late to say sorry?” I bleated. Princess blinked. My singing sounded as if a cat had stepped on my tail. “Cause… I’m missing more than just your… body.”

Princess emitted a wild giggle, then controlled herself with some effort and shook her head. “That was… interesting. Very… novel.”

Oh, God. I’d screwed up, hadn’t I? Stage fright. It’s a real killer.

“You know, I was actually at the Kenspeckle place today,” said Brutus, turning his back on me and starting to lead Princess away.

Her eyes went wide. “The Kenspeckles? The reality stars?”

“Yep. Hanging with Damien LeWood. Jamming with my main man.”

“You know Damien LeWood?” she asked excitedly. “The famous rapper?”

“The one and only. Damien and I are tight. If you like I’ll introduce you.”

“Ooh, Brutus. I would love that!”

I watched Brutus lead her to a nearby tree, explaining to her how his buddy Damien LeWood had promised him a leading role in his reality show, and how he was pretty sure he could get her a casting call with the director.

“Max, what’s going on?” Dooley asked, looking worried. “Why were you singing that horrible song? I thought we said we wouldn’t do that again.”

“I was trying to impress Princess,” I said miserably.

He looked at Princess. “She doesn’t look impressed. At least not by you.”

I groaned. “I know. It was a total fail. And now she’s all over Brutus.”

He shrugged. “So? What’s it to you?”

I stared at him. “Are you blind? She’s the prettiest cat for miles around.”

“I always thought Harriet was the prettiest cat for miles around.”

“Well, I don’t. And if I don’t figure out a way to trump Brutus I’ll lose my chance.”

“Why don’t you climb a tree?” he suggested.

“Climb a tree? What do you mean, climb a tree?”

“I mean climb a tree. Chicks dig it. They clap and cheer. It’s a thing.”

It shows how far gone I was that I seriously contemplated Dooley’s inane suggestion. He’s my best friend, but he’s also an idiot, and the fact that even before he finished telling me to climb a tree I was scooting up the nearest tree, proves that when it comes to women, I’m an even bigger idiot.

“Yoo-hoo, Princess!” I shouted when I’d reached the first branch. “Why don’t you come up and join me? These are the best seats in the house!”

“Oh, Max,” Princess laughed. “You’re so funny!”

Funny wasn’t what I was going for, but at least I had her attention.

Brutus scowled at me, and within seconds he’d joined me, clawing his way up to the branch directly above mine. “My seat is even better!” he yelled. “In fact this is the conductor’s spot. Make sure everyone can see me.”

Princess laughed again, a breathy, coquettish sound. It was so sexy.

I decided I wasn’t going to be outdone by this brute, so I quickly clambered up one more branch, and then I was one up on Brutus.

From the ground, Dooley gave me two thumbs up. “Doing great, Max!”

The other cats all stared at us as if we’d lost our minds. Even George stood shaking his weary old head. For the first time I was starting to wonder if I wasn’t making an absolute fool of myself. Unfortunately, Brutus wasn’t making this consideration, as he quickly outdid me, and rose one more level.

“Brutus!” a voice rang out. “Come down at once!”

It was Harriet. Apparently she’d returned to butt heads with Princess once again. She wasn’t going to give up on Brutus without putting up a fight.

“Not a chance!” Brutus croaked. “I have a choir to conduct.”

“You never do your conducting from up there!” she shouted.

“Oh, yes, I do,” he said with a chuckle. “Don’t listen to her, Princess. She doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”

Harriet turned to Princess. “I do know what I’m talking about. I’m not just this choir’s leading lady and main vocalist, I’m also Brutus’s girlfriend.”

“Not anymore, you’re not,” Dooley muttered, and Harriet gave him a withering look that quickly shut him up.

As Princess and the others watched, Brutus and I climbed higher and higher into the tree. Each time he overtook me, I went higher, and on and on it went, until we both reached the top and there was no more tree left. Huh.

Unfortunately we were now so high up that we couldn’t even see the ground, or the others. And as we listened to the sounds of cat choir starting their rehearsal without us, I wondered what the hell I was doing up here.

“Um, Brutus?” I asked, precariously perched on the top branch.

“Yeah?” he said a little uncertainly.

“Do you know how to get down from here?”

There was a momentary silence, then he confessed, “Nope.”

We both looked down, and the dizzying height gave me the creeps.

“They’ve started without us,” I said.

“I know. Can you believe it?”

“And Princess didn’t join us.”

“I think she lost interest about halfway through our climb.”

“I like that cat.”

“Me too. Though to be honest I like Harriet more.”

“What?! Then why did you put the moves on Princess?”

He shrugged. “I’m a cat, Max. Putting the moves on felines is what I do.”

We were quiet for a while, sitting there side by side while we listened to the cats singing up a storm. Then the first neighbor opened his window and shouted something. Then the second neighbor opened his window and threw a shoe. Sound carries, and the sound of two dozen cats screeching as if their whiskers are being plucked from their faces with tweezers carries even more. Not that I’m not proud of cat choir, but I may have exaggerated a little when I was telling Princess how good we are. Actually we kinda suck. Big time.

“How are we going to get out of this tree?” I asked.

“Beats me,” Brutus said. “I’ve never climbed this high before.”

He sounded just as unnerved as I was feeling.

“Max?” he asked.

“Uh-huh.”

“If we get out of this alive, I want you to know I think you’re pretty brave.”

“Come again?”

“Discovering that murder weapon today? That took guts.”

"I only climbed that pipe because you locked us up."

“You know why I did that, right?”

“Actually, I don’t.”

He hesitated. “The thing is… Chase isn’t my human.”

“He’s not?” This surprised me. “But I thought—”

“His mother is. She took me in straight from the nest. But then she got sick and had to go and live in some place where cats are not allowed, so Chase had to decide whether to put me in a shelter or to keep me. Lucky for me he kept me, but… well, let’s just say Chase isn’t much of a cat person.”

“No, he doesn’t strike me as one.”

“I mean, he never cuddles me, or scratches me behind my ears. He just feeds me and that’s it.”

“Yeah, but he feeds you real meat.”

He gave me a sad glance. “I’d trade all that for a cuddle. You and Odelia? You guys have such a great bond. She cares about you, and even lets you sleep on the bed and all.”

“Chase doesn’t let you sleep on the bed?”

“Never. He kicks me out of the house when he goes to bed.”

“That’s not very nice.”

He shrugged. “It’s all he knows, I guess. His mother was the same. Cats aren’t supposed to sleep in the house. They should be outside. Catch mice.”

“It’s nice to sleep on the bed,” I said. “Nice and warm and soft. In the morning I like to snuggle up to Odelia and she hugs me. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.”

“I’d like that,” he said softly. “I’d like to have a human who cares about me like that. That’s why I wanted to be the one to tell her about Dion Dread’s new show. That way she might want to, you know, adopt me, maybe?”

I hesitated, then said, “You know, if you like we can share Odelia. She’s got a big enough heart for two.”

He was silent for a beat, then said huskily, “Thank you, Max. I’d really like that.”

“Then that’s what we’ll do. You practically live with us anyway, so…”

He glanced at me. “You’re all right, Max.”

“You’re all right, too, Brutus.”

We gave an awkward high five and then lapsed into silence once more. All this talk of Odelia was fine and dandy, but if nobody came to save us, we’d probably never see her again. I just hoped Dooley was calling 911.