Requiem

Chapter Four Exhaustion

Coffee shop meetings stopped. Attending ball games ceased. My chair at study group had been filled due to my persistent absences. The only friend from school that I kept in contact with was Beth, and that was only because she was my assistant at Titan.

Fielding her constant questions about my behavior was exasperating, but her help had become indispensable. The dreams were a nightly event, and the sleep deprivation wore on me so much that half of the time I needed Beth to remind me what day it was.

The nightmares were also wearing on Jared, who left me with Bex every day to search for Shax’s bible. It didn’t take him long to figure out that the second he closed his eyes my nightmares would begin, and minutes later screams would echo throughout the loft.

A new semester had begun, and still the dreams came. By Spring Break, Jared grew desperate. Everyday he sought Eli, asked Samuel for help, he’d even taunted Gabriel for an answer, and every time he came home frustrated and empty-handed.

“Coffee?” Jared asked, his voice tired.

“Yes, please.”

Once again, our day began at three-eleven A.M. I worked on a few papers, and studied while the coffee still kept my brain functional. Once the heaviness set in, Jared brewed another pot.

“At some point, this has got to be bad for you,” Jared frowned. “I can’t get anyone to tell me anything. I don’t know how our fathers found where Shax kept the book in the first place. Word gets around. They must know what we’re up to. I wouldn’t be surprised if I had to travel to Hell to get it.”

Weary of the same dialogue, I rubbed my eyes and nodded.

Jared sighed. “I’m sorry. I’m frustrated, and with all the caffeine in your system, it makes me feel a little anxious.”

“Ugh…I forget about that,” I said, setting my mug on the table.

The morning sun cast an amber tone against the walls. Summer was just around the corner. My friends at school were discussing tropical vacations and family reunions, and I was too tired to think about the next hour.

My cell phone rang, and I fished in my purse to answer. “Hey Beth,” I sighed. “What’s up?”

“Kim and I are meeting for coffee. Again. Like we do every morning. And you’re invited. Again. Like every morning. Are you going to flake out? Again? Like you do every morning?”

“Sorry. I’ve already had a pot of coffee this morning. I’ll see you in class.”

Beth paused. I could hear a muffled, irritated voice in the back ground. Beth was obviously covering the phone with her hand. “Er…Kim says…Kim wants you to come.”

“I have a feeling that’s not what she said,” I frowned.

After the sound of a scuffle, Kim spoke into the phone. “We are going to be at the coffee shop in thirty minutes. And you are going to be there, too, or me and the Sentra will come get you, and you will ride all the way there strapped to the roof like a freakin’ Christmas tree, you got me?”

I held the phone away from my ear as she yelled, and then cautiously held it within talking distance. “I got you.”

“Okay, then,” Kim said, satisfied.

“Sorry,” Beth whispered before ending the call.

“Sounds like your friends miss you,” Jared grinned.

“They probably just want to yell at me and ask me questions,” I said, stuffing books into my bag.

“You should tell them the truth. They’ll just think you’re crazy and let it go.”

I laughed. “You have a point. It’s the one time I can be honest with them and not worry about them believing me.”

They wouldn’t believe you, anyway,” Jared said, kissing the top of my head. “I can take you today.”

“I know better than to think you’ve given up.”

“No, I’m still working,” he said, keys in hand.

Beth and Kim sat with me at our usual table. They both watched me, until I began to feel like a zoo animal. An interrogation was immanent. Beth’s expression was unsure, nervous — Kim seemed just the opposite. She was ready to pounce.

Beth looked to Kim before she spoke. “How’s Ryan?”

Her question took me off guard. I had expected more questions about the circles under my eyes, or the gallons of caffeinated drinks I’d consumed during the day.

“He doesn’t write much anymore.”

“You don’t talk about him anymore,” Beth said without pause.

“How’s Jared?” Kim asked.

“He’s…fine. Why?”

Kim crossed her arms. “What does he think about the fact that you’re a zombie these days?”

I shrugged. “He wants to fix it.”

“How’s that?” Kim asked.

Too tired for tough questions, my words were more acerbic than I’d intended. “He’s a guy, Kim. Guys want to fix everything.”

Beth nodded. “If a hammer and nails could solve it all….”

“What’s he doing to fix it?” Kim prodded.

“Research,” I said blinking away the urge to let my eyes close.

Beth frowned in reaction. “Nina, you fell asleep on your desk yesterday. Grant is grilling me about what’s going on with you. I don’t even know what the truth is so I can keep from telling him.”

“You won’t accidentally tell him, I promise,” I grumbled as I sipped from the plastic lid of my coffee cup.

“The truth is that far-fetched?” Kim asked.

My stomach began to complain from both the amount of hot liquid swirling inside it, and the irritating predicament I was in. Being impatient and upset so often due to the lack of sleep took a toll on my appetite, and the over abundance of coffee in my system made me feel ill on a regular basis.

I stood. “We’re going to be late.”

“Are you sick, Nina?” Beth asked.

“No,” I said. My nausea was not what she was referring to.

“Do you have some disease you’re not telling us about?”

“No, Beth.”

“Could Jared be poisoning you?” she blurted out.

I laughed once, shocked. “Is that why you two brought me here?”

“Are you two into something we don’t know about? Voodoo-Witchcraft- Satanist crap?” Kim asked.

“What would even make you say that?”I said, my patience thin.

“Just answer the question,” Kim said flatly.

“No. I’m not being haunted by demons if that’s what you’re getting at, Kim.” A part of me wondered if that’s what she was asking. She always seemed to be right on the edge of the truth, and had the habit of asking all the right questions. Beth being there was just a cover. She knew something.

“I didn’t ask if you were,” Kim said. For the first time since I’d met her, she was uncomfortable. I watched her for a moment before she pulled on her coat and grabbed her keys from the table. “Class starts in ten.”

Beth and Kim watched me with concern as I waved them away and walked to class. It was on the top floor, and the decision to take the stairs was regretful by the second flight. My body felt ten years older. Two or three hours of sleep a night had begun to wear on my muscles, my train of thought, and my patience.

My reflection in a trophy case in the hallway caught my eye, and I stood there, amazed. The purplish circles had deepened under my eyes, and my skin was too tired to stay in place. The corners of my mouth hung lazily, and the light in my eyes was gone.

Class was just a few steps away, but my body felt too drained to make the trip. I leaned against the wall. The professor had already begun class, and I listened as intently as I could from the hallway. His words blurred together as he went over the last week’s test, and then lectured for what seemed like an eternity. The reading assignment was discussed in brief before class let out early.

Even as the other students passed, I let the wall support my weight. The walk to campus from the coffee shop, coupled with the energy I’d exerted taking the stairs, had taken everything out of me. Standing upright was the only thing I was capable of.

After watching the last of my classmates leave for other venues, I focused on the elevator. It was half way down the hall, but would take less effort than taking the stairs. I took a deep breath and pushed myself away from the wall. My feet felt like they had been soaking in cement, and towing fifty-pound blocks with each step. My knees began to wobble, and I could feel beads of sweat form on my forehead. Stopping to rest was not an option. If I paused for even a moment, I would have passed out in the hallway.

Finally reaching the elevator, I pushed the button and took a deep, ragged breath. Even breathing took effort. The door opened, and Jared stood before me.

Knowing better than to pretend everything was normal, I reached for his arm and let him support my weight as I took the few steps to stand next to him.

“Nina,” he said quietly into my ear, “I think it’s time—,”

“I know,” I said. “We have to find someone.”

He walked with me for a while, but once we were in the parking lot, my legs gave way. Jared lifted me into his arms, and carried me the remaining distance to the Escalade. My eyes shut and would not open.

I didn’t wake when Jared carried me inside the loft, nor did I feel the mattress beneath me when he lowered me into it and covered me with blankets. It wasn’t until the sun broke through the blinds that I realized I had been tucked in and slept sixteen hours straight.

“Jared?” I called, my voice raspy.

“Nope, it’s just me,” Bex said. He sat on the bed, seeming vexed.

“What wrong? And where’s Jared?”

“He’s been gone since yesterday evening. He caught a break.”

“What’s with the face?”

“You slept.”

“Isn’t that a good thing?” I asked, sitting up against the headboard.

“Not for Jared. This makes the third time you’ve slept solid when he’s been gone all night. Can’t be a coincidence.”

I laughed once. “Are you saying he’s causing the dreams?”

“I’m saying it’s a possibility the dreams go away when he’s not around.”

“That’s ridiculous,” I sneered.

“I’m probably right,” Bex said, his teenage confidence overriding his usual politeness. In that moment, he was more Claire than Jared. “And Jared’s going to take it hard.”

“No he’s not, because you’re not going to tell him,” I said firmly.

“Nina…I have to tell him, you know that.”

“My sleep was interrupted by my annoying, incessant screaming at three-eleven A.M. just like every other morning. That’s the story.”

“You don’t think he’ll know?”

“He’s been distracted. It could work.”

“It won’t.”

“Bex! At least try!”

Bex stood up and crossed his arms. “He’ll know, and then he won’t trust me ever again because I helped you lie to him. Do you know how imperative it is that we trust each other? You really have gone crazy.”

He walked down the stairs in a huff, and I blew my bangs from my face, aggravated. Even in his disgust, Bex began making breakfast, and after a shower I joined him at the table.

“Something came for you yesterday,” Bex said, tossing an envelope on the table.

It was from Ryan.

I tore it open and scanned it over for signs of sadness or danger, and then I reread his words more slowly. I went over them again in disbelief.

“What?” Bex asked.

“He’s been accepted into the Special Forces.”

Bex laughed. “Are you serious? That little butt nugget?”

“It’s not funny, Bex! This is…did you know? Has Claire called?”

“No and no,” Bex said matter-of-factly.

“Did Jared say anything?” I said, grabbing for my cell.

“Nina,” Bex said, holding my wrists gently, “I’m sure it’s a miscommunication. Ryan hasn’t been in the Army long enough to get into the Special Forces. That’s unheard of. I don’t see him cutting it, anyway. If my sister can incapacitate him, I’m guessing he’s a big weenie.”

“Claire is a Hybrid, Bex! That’s an unfair basis for comparison and you know it.”

Bex giggled. The little boy in him was showing. “You’re much more fun when you’ve had some sleep. I can’t pass up a chance to give you a hard time when you’re coherent.”

“Not a good time, Bex,” I said, staring at my plate. The one day I could have eaten, and Ryan’s letter eliminated any appetite I might have had. “You really think it’s a mistake?”

“Yeah,” Bex said. “No way could that happen. It would take at least three years for someone like him…no education, no connections.”

Jared opened the door with an apologetic smile. “Hi, Baby.”

“Not even a note?” I asked, wadding up the letter in my hand and tossing it in his general direction.

He playfully ducked, as if it were possible that I could have hit him. “Bex was here. What’s up? I’m three blocks away, and I’m getting all this irritation from you.”

“Did you know about Ryan?” I asked.

“He’s still alive, I know that,” Jared said, peeling off his coat. He hung it on the rack, and then walked to me, kneeling beside me on the floor. “You read the letter?”

“He said he’s going into the Special Forces.”

Jared thought for a moment, and then shook his head. “No, the shortest time anyone has been accepted is eighteen months in. That can’t be right.”

“That’s what I told her, but she doesn’t believe me,” Bex said, rolling his eyes. He walked over to the wadded letter and reopened it, scanning the words. “But that’s what it says. Maybe he’s trying to impress her.”

Jared immediately pulled out his phone and dialed Claire’s number. Her angry tone carried into the room.

“He’s a maniac!” Claire yelled. “He has zero respect for his limited lifespan and tries to throw himself on grenades for his buddies every other day,” she huffed.

“Claire…keep your voice down,” Jared chuckled nervously. He noticed my horrified expression, and turned his head. “You’re not serious?”

“I’m exaggerating, but not by much. The grenade part is true, but that was just once.”

I wrapped my arms around my waist and walked over to Bex, waiting for more bad news. Bex put his arm around me with a light hug.

“He’s saved every man in his company in one way or another. He walks around with explosives on his back while the enemy is shooting at us. You thought your detail was bad, this is impossible!”

“Great,” I said, throwing my arms up and letting them slap to my sides.

“It still doesn’t explain how he made sergeant in an impossible amount of time,” Jared said.

The other end of the phone was silent, and Jared nodded, whispering something so quickly I could barely discern his reply at all. “Okay. Watch your six,” Jared said, flipping his phone shut. He watched me for a moment, and then sighed. “He still has Claire, Nina. You know her…it’s like he’s in military day care.”

“How did he get sergeant so quickly?” I asked.

Jared peered at Bex for a moment before speaking. “It appears Colonel Brand pulled some strings. The Special Forces guys are more familiar with how we do things, and it made it easier for Claire to protect him.”

“Sending Ryan on more dangerous missions will protect him,” I deadpanned.

“Well, since everyone has bad news….” Bex said.

“Bex, don’t,” I said through my teeth, but it was too late.

“What is it?” Jared asked, his eyes bouncing between the two of us.

“Nina slept all night. She didn’t budge until seven this morning.”

Jared let his words sink in. It was several moments before he moved, and then nodded. His hand searched for the closest chair to pull beneath him. He fell into it, and stared at the floor. “So that’s it.”

“Jared, that doesn’t mean anything,” I said, reaching for him.

He looked to his younger brother. “Now we just have to see how far away I have to be to keep the dreams away.”

“This is ridiculous!” I said. “It’s happened three times, that isn’t a definitive trial by anyone’s standards!”

“So we’ll test the theory,” Jared said. “Starting tonight.”

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “Absolutely not. I didn’t move in with you to have to sleep alone every night.”

“It’s just until we figure this out,” Jared said.

“No.”

“Yes,” Jared said, his tone final.

The air was knocked out of me. I couldn’t believe what he was saying, but I was too tired to argue. Tears welled up in my eyes, and I looked away from him.

“Nina….”

“I get it…it’s okay.”

“Let’s just try it. See if it works. I’ll start out just outside town, and then come a bit closer every half hour. If you have the dream, we’ll know.”

“This is ridiculous!” I said. “How are you going to find the damn book if you’re experimenting with my dream?”

“She has a point,” Bex said.

Jared frowned. “I have to know.”

We tested his theory. The first night, I lay in bed for what seemed like an eternity, waiting to fall asleep. Being alone in our bed felt so cold and depressing. My fingers traced the wrinkles in the sheets, remembering the first time I woke in his bed. That perfect morning, after the night he told me who — and what — he really was, seemed like light years away. A tear formed in the corner of my eye, and slipped over the bridge of my nose to the white fabric beneath me.

Jared began just on the outskirts of Providence. When he felt I was asleep, he made his way to the loft, a block at a time, every ten minutes or so. He was just over two blocks away when he felt my anxiety. In Shax’s building, it was apparent the moment Jared backed off, because my surroundings blurred away, forming into the halls of my old high school.

The alarm bleated, and my eyes peeled open. Two full nights of sleep. My body felt a bit closer to normal. Jared walked in the front door, trotted up the stairs, and crawled into bed beside me, wrapping his warm arms snugly around me. We didn’t speak, we were just still, letting reality sink in.

“Why would Dad do this? It doesn’t seem fair,” Bex said from the first floor.

Jared didn’t answer. He simply pressed his forehead against my temple and sighed.

Night after night, I slept alone. Jared used that time to harass every connection he had, and pursue every lead to learn the location of the book. Seconds after I woke in the mornings, he was at my side.

The days slowly returned to normal. Lectures in class were written down, and my hours at Titan were used for work instead of naps. Beth gladly decreased the number of times she fetched coffee, and excuses to Grant.

One afternoon she brought me a file and sat in the plump, green leather chair in front of my desk. She had bought new clothes, and her auburn hair had a new shape to it. Still short, but different. Embarrassed that I had no idea how long it had been that way, I took the file from her and sat it to the side.

“I love the shoes,” I said.

“Thanks,” she said, picking one foot off the floor to bring the yellow stilettos into view. They boasted a big bow on the side, and the heel, sole and strap were black. “It’s a lot easier to dress for work when you have money. Thanks again, Nina. Things at home have been a lot better since you hired me.”

I shook my head. “You know I don’t mind. You’ve been a huge help around here.”

“Things seem to be better for you, too.”

“I feel better.”

“Have you heard from Ryan? No one’s heard from him since he joined that special thing.”

My mouth turned to the side. Most of the time I tried not to think of Ryan, the sand, or the bullets flying every where while he carried his his pipe bomb backpack.

“No,” I said.

Beth nodded. The desk phone rang and she stood, pushing Line One and answering without hesitation. “Nina Grey’s office…no, that file is in the…oh Lord, Sasha, I’ll just come find it for you. How long have you worked here?”

Beth hung up the phone, and I smiled. “Don’t let her take advantage of you. Do you want me to say something?”

“No. I do plenty of that,” Beth said, winking.

“I’m heading home. Will you lock up for me?” I asked.

“I always do,” she said, waving behind her.

Jared stood beside his SUV with a smile, waiting with arms wide. He had let me fall asleep in his arms the last few weeks and then left sometime after. Jack and Gabe stayed out of my head, and I slept through the night, never realizing Jared was gone. He was getting so good at pinpointing when I would rouse he usually slid next to me just before I awoke. Once again, life was semi-normal.

His hand slid over mind as it rested on the console of the Escalade. “Something came for you today.”

“A letter?” I asked, nervous.

Jared let go of my hand, pulling an envelope from his jacket pocket. Ryan had finally written again.

Nigh,

I still think about you every day. Sometimes whether I want to or not. Things have been pretty busy. The new company I’m in is a whole new breed of soldiers. I like it, but I miss you. When I get a chance, I sit and watch the sunset, and think about our game, and the pub, and your stupid temper tantrums. I miss it all. Tell everyone I said hi.

Ryan

I folded the paper back to its original shape.

“Do I have to remind you that this isn’t your fault?” Jared asked.

Ryan’s sudden departure was too much of a coincidence to believe that it wasn’t my fault, but Jared, Kim, and Beth all assured me quite regularly that his reasons were purely financial.

He didn’t write again after that, and I relied on Jared’s intermittent phone calls from Claire to hear of his whereabouts, and that he was okay.

Claire still had to pull a multitude of strings to keep a close eye on Ryan. She called home frequently to complain of Ryan’s lack of self-preservation, which helped to get him accepted so quickly into the Special Forces in the first place. Claire’s phone calls were reason to fear; for Ryan and for her. I chewed my thumbnail each time Jared answered the phone, waiting for him to assure me that Ryan’s commando behavior hadn’t gotten him killed.

As our small, but close group of friends waved goodbye on the last day of our sophomore year at Brown, Ryan came to the forefront of my mind.

“He should be here,” I said to Beth.

She held my arm as we walked to the parking lot. “I know.”

“No, he’s in the middle of nowhere, prone on a sand dune, trying not to get shot so he didn’t have to watch me be with Jared. It’s not fair. He should be here with us.”

Josh and Tucker were heading to their dorm to pack and head home, and Kim walked with them, punching Josh in the arm. The opening of Summer Break was bittersweet, and we all knew why.

Beth walked me to the Escalade, and after a warm embrace, left me to find Chad. They would all meet at the Pub that night to celebrate, and I would stay at home. It didn’t feel right to have fun when Ryan was fighting for his life.

Jared was unhappy with my mood. He didn’t ask what it was, but I assumed he knew. I didn’t enjoy talking to him about Ryan. It was unfair to him, and didn’t make me feel any better, so I didn’t see a point.

The loft was immaculate, and the summer sun lit the beige walls, making every corner of the room glow. It had been nearly a year since Shax had been in our living room, since Jared threw the book at him that Gabe so desperately wanted us to have. It had been almost a year since I was shot. I rubbed my thigh where the scar still remained.

Jared flipped through the mail at the kitchen table. “What do you want for dinner, Sweetheart?”

“It just doesn’t seem to get better,” I said, shaking my head. “We can redecorate, and fill the bullet holes in the walls, and pretend life is normal…but you’re gone every night, and we aren’t any closer to getting the book, and Ryan is gone. It’s been a year and it doesn’t feel like it’s gotten better. We’re stuck.”

Jared raised an eyebrow. “Bad day?”

I sat on the arm of the couch. “He’s going to get killed. Every day that he’s out there, Claire is in danger. We should bring him home.”

“You’re suggesting that we go to the Middle East and abscond with a member of the Special Forces?”

I puffed. “It’s not right that he’s not here.”

“You’re just letting the guilt eat you alive. You have to let it go, Nina. You have to let him go.”

“I know what you’re thinking,” I said. “This isn’t about me having feelings for him. Maybe it is about guilt, but I can’t stand it anymore…how Josh and Tucker and everyone else look at me. That’s why I don’t hang out with them, anymore. That’s why I don’t go to study group. I have been sleeping through the night for months, and I can’t go back. The looks on their faces — they blame me.”

“You blame you,” Jared said. “I have an idea,” he said, pulling his cell phone from his pocket. He dialed numbers, and then held the receiver to his ear.

After several moments, a grin touched his mouth. “Claire. How is everything? I see. I have someone here that would like to speak to you. You got a minute?”

Jared handed me the phone. “Hello?” I said, unsure of her reaction.

“It is hot as hell here,” Claire snapped. “I have sand in places no woman should experience. It’s in my hair, my eyes, the seat of my Jeep. There’s no getting rid of it, even when I get the occasional shower. And my hair looks like crap. So…how are things?”

I managed a quiet laugh. “I miss you.”

“I miss you, too,” she sighed. “Don’t worry, Nina. I’m taking care of him. He’s a cowboy, and likes to pretend he’s invincible, but despite his best efforts, I’m keeping him alive.”

“Thank you.”

I could hear the wind whipping against the phone, and she spoke loudly to compensate. I imagined her standing alone in a sea of sand, big sunglasses, and light camouflage clothes blending in with her platinum hair.

“Ryan doesn’t want you to feel guilty. He wants you to be happy. He’s just trying to get on with his life. He’s happy with his choice. Be happy with yours.”

“Of course I am. I just…everything feels wrong here. I feel lost.”

Claire laughed. “Try driving around with identical sand dunes as your guide…then you can talk to me about feeling lost. It’s a good thing I’m fluent in Farsi, or I wouldn’t be able to keep up with him. How’s Jared?”

I peeked up at him, his blue-grey eyes comforted that his idea had worked. “He’s Jared. He’s good.”

“I need you to take care of him for me, okay? I’m kicking ass over here, so you can rest easy. Just concentrate on school, and work, and being happy, and I’ll get the cowboy home safe. Deal?”

Relief washed over me. “Deal. See you soon?”

“As soon as I can. Gotta go, they’re moving,” she said. The phone silenced, and I handed it to Jared.

“He’s okay,” I said.

Jared nodded. “Feel better?”

“A little. Thank you.”

Jared took a step toward me and enveloped me in his arms, touching his forehead to mine. “I would do anything, go anywhere, suffer anything to make you happy. You know that, right? That’s all I want.”

I lifted my chin to kiss his lips. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“You’re exhausted. I’m going to run you a bath, and you can soak until your hands get all pruny, and I’ll have dinner waiting for you when you get out. Then we can turn in early.”

I buried my face into his warm chest. “Sounds perfect.”