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Chapter 32

For all that I indulge in them every now and again, the truth is that I’ve never really understood mother-in-law jokes. The best humour, as I see it, has to be based on reality and the concept of the Wife’s Old Dear as a descendant of the velocirapter runs counter to my experience.

I’ve always found that it’s the daughters who have the really sharp teeth, and the really ripping claws.

Granted, my first experience of the species was somewhat unusual, given that Mary was both my mother-in-law and my stepmother, for in either role she’s as kind and gentle a woman as you’ll meet in a day’s march. Nevertheless, I didn’t anticipate any problems with her successor, whom I’d liked from the day we met.

No, the prospect of going with Elanore Phillips to Gleneagles Hotel to make the wedding arrangements did not, of itself, make me particularly nervous. What did worry me were the strictures laid down by Prim before I set off for Auchterarder. ‘You know what Mum’s like,’ I had been warned. ‘She loves a big production, and she’ll try to push you into it.

‘I want a very informal do. You can sign up for the poshest fork buffet they have and for the top of the range wines, but I do not want a sit-down lunch and formal speeches. Dad will propose a toast to us, we will each of us say a few words in reply, and that’s it. Given our history, I will not put you through the ordeal of making a full-scale speech and having people hanging on your every word looking for possible references to Jan.

‘Nor will I put myself through the ordeal of having to listen to it.’

She paused for breath. ‘But Mum would, you see. You’ve heard her; all she can think of is the fact that when Dawn got married quietly in the States, she was somehow cheated out of something. She doesn’t see anything but that. She’ll use every weapon in her arsenal to try to cajole or bully you into agreeing to a formal job. . but don’t you dare. She isn’t even seeing the guest list: I’m damned if I’ll have her stuffing it with her Old Biddy pals from the church.’

After that, heading up to Perthshire I felt like an ancient Greek warrior, given his shield and told to return bearing it in victory or borne dead upon it in defeat.

She wasn’t wrong either. I had never visited Semple House on my own before — on every occasion I had been there, Prim had too — but when I arrived I was greeted as if I’d ridden up on a donkey along a road strewn with palm-leaves. Remembering how that story carries on, I didn’t feel too comfortable.

I had planned to take Elanore and David to lunch at Gleneagles before she and I met the functions people, but the table was set when I arrived. One of the things I like about Prim’s mum is that there’s no subtlety about her — the tactic was clear: soften up the boy with her awesome kitchen skills, then go for the finisher. She opened her campaign over the soup. ‘Before I forget, Oz,’ she said, gauchely. She reached into a cavernous handbag and produced a white envelope. ‘Give this to Primavera for me, won’t you. It’s a list of my Auchterarder friends whom I’d like you to invite.’

I took it from her without comment, then sneaked a quick glance at David. I was impressed by the depth of his concentration on the Cullen Skink.

The bell for Round Two sounded over the steak and kidney pudding. ‘You know, Oz,’ she began, confiding in me as a member of the family, ‘I love my older daughter dearly, as does David, and as do you, but we all have to admit, don’t we, that she can be very wilful.’ As she spoke, her husband forked up a particularly large morsel of dumpling, cleverly taking himself out of the discussion.

‘She knows her own mind, does Primavera,’ I conceded. I was about to add, ‘And mine too,’ but I stopped myself just in time.

‘Yes, my dear, but what she has to realise is that this isn’t just her day, it’s yours too.’ Her big punch almost landed, but just in time, I followed David’s example and dived behind a smokescreen of steak and kidney.

Prim’s father has a remarkable metabolism. If I ate lunches like that on a regular basis, I’d have trouble fitting into Everett’s living room, yet he manages to stay slim and straight-backed. I have come to suspect that he has developed a method of burning off calories by pure concentration; this might explain why he’s such a quiet, unworldly bloke.

I made it through the treacle pudding and coffee without giving any ground, but I knew that what had happened up to that point came under the heading of mere skirmishing. The real battle would be fought at Gleneagles.

Our appointment there was set for two-thirty p.m.; I thought of asking whether David would like to join us, but that would have been unkind of me and potentially dangerous for him. So Elanore and I set off together in the Freelander — she’s a big woman, not built for a Z3.

We were greeted in the foyer of the majestic, baronial hotel by the functions manager and her young male assistant. ‘Mr Blackstone,’ the middle-aged lady exclaimed, hand outstretched, ‘welcome to our hotel. And welcome also. .’ I introduced Elanore.

‘Ah, the mother of the bride. How nice that your daughter can rely on you at this time.’

I decided that I’d better take a grip of this meeting from the start. ‘I take it that you’ve had a chance to consider my fiancee’s e-mail setting out our requirements.’

‘Yes, we have. We have some thoughts on them. Let’s start with the date.’ She led us through to a small office behind reception. ‘This is fairly short notice, you understand,’ she said, showing us to seats round a small conference table. ‘We’re heavily booked, as always, but we can offer you a function suite on the first Saturday in November, if you can be ready in time. Beyond that there’s nothing until February.’

‘That will be fine,’ I said.

‘Excellent. I had you pencilled in for that, so I’ll confirm it this afternoon. Now, there’s one thing I want to raise with you. Ms Phillips’ e-mail said that you want a buffet reception. That’s quite unusual for a wedding.’

‘Indeed,’ Elanore concurred, by my side. ‘Perhaps you could offer suggestions for a formal meal.’

The manager nodded. ‘We anticipated that, Madam.’ She nodded to her assistant, who delved into a big, leather-bound folder and produced several sheets. ‘We have some sample menus here.’ The young man handed them straight to Elanore.

‘And the buffet menus, please,’ I said, with a smile, holding out my hand.

‘Certainly, sir.’ He produced several more sheets and handed them over.

‘As to the wedding ceremony itself,’ his boss continued, speaking more to Prim’s mum than to me, ‘we’ll have theatre-style seating for that in your suite, then give you a small break-out area for drinks while we set up for the meal.’

‘That’s fine,’ I said grabbing the baton once again, ‘and for a buffet set-up you can serve drinks straightaway and simply move the seats around the walls.’

‘Yes,’ said the woman. I forced her to look at me. ‘The thing is, you see,’ I continued, ‘my fiancee, as her mother would be the second person to tell you, is a very determined person. And the thing is, also, so am I. We want all of our guests to be comfortable and relaxed.

‘There are two guys coming to our wedding who weigh a third of a ton between them. Either one of them could eat your chef, tall hat and all, if he felt peckish. We don’t want that to happen, so what we need is the best hot and cold buffet you can provide. There will be forty guests, so if you cater for fifty, that will allow for our large friends.’

There was a chilly silence beside me, but we were in the last round, and I knew I had to go for a clean knock-out. This wasn’t a GWA wrestling match, this was serious stuff.

‘We want you to serve Krug after the ceremony, then Premier Cru Chablis and a good Fleurie with the buffet. When we reach the coffee stage, there should be a fully stocked bar available.’

‘On a cash basis, sir?’ The young assistant asked, looking up from his notes.

‘Don’t be silly. These are our friends, and our guests.’

‘Dancing, sir,’ the manager interrupted. ‘What about dancing?’

‘No dancing, thank you. The thought of Jerry Gradi doing the Twist just beggars belief. If he side-swiped someone with his arse, it would be a hospital case. We know our friends, we know ourselves, and we want everyone to be relaxed.’ I paused, and looked at Elanore.

‘Most of all, I want. . I want Primavera to have the day of her life, and I will see that she does.’

I turned back to the manager. ‘Are you clear on all of that?’

She smiled. ‘Yes, Mr Blackstone, we’ll meet all of your wishes.’

‘Good. Send us a cost projection as soon as you can.’ I took out my cheque-book. ‘In the meantime, let me leave you a deposit. Two grand be enough?’

‘Quite enough. We’ll look forward to seeing you on the day.’

‘You’ll be seeing me the night before,’ I said. ‘I want you to reserve a suite for me, and another for my best man, Mr Dylan and his partner, Ms Gantry. I will yield to one tradition, that I shouldn’t see the bride just before the wedding.’