Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda

FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

DATE: Dec 2 at 5:02 PM

SUBJECT: I should be . . .

. . . writing an essay for English class. I’d rather write to you. I’m in my room, and I have a window right next to my desk. It’s so sunny out, and it looks like it should be really warm outside. I feel like I’m dreaming.

So, Jacques, I have to confess that I’ve been curious about your email address for a long time. I finally broke down and consulted the Mighty Googler, and now I see that it’s a lyric from an Elliott Smith song. I’ve actually heard of him, but I had never heard his music, so I downloaded “Waltz #2.” I hope that doesn’t freak you out. I really like it. It surprised me, because it’s a really sad song, and that’s not what I would expect coming from you. But I’ve listened to it a few times now, and the funny thing is, it really does remind me of you somehow. It’s not the lyrics or even the overall mood of the song. It’s something intangible. I think I can imagine you lying on a carpet somewhere listening to it, eating Oreos, and maybe writing in a journal.

I also have to confess that I’ve been looking extra carefully at people’s T-shirts at school to see if someone might be wearing an Elliott Smith shirt. I know it’s a long shot. I also know it’s really unfair, because I shouldn’t be trying to figure out your identity when I don’t give you any good clues about my own.

Here’s something. My dad’s driving in from Savannah this weekend, and we’re doing the traditional Hotel Hanukkah. It will be just him and me, and I’m sure we’ll hit all the awkward highlights. We’ll do the non-lighting of the menorah (because we won’t want to set off the smoke detectors). And then I’ll give him something underwhelming like Aurora coffee and a bunch of my English essays (he’s an English teacher, so he likes getting those). And then he’ll have me open eight presents in a row, which just drives home the fact that I won’t see him again until New Year’s.

And the thing is, I’m actually considering doubling down on the awkward factor and turning this mess into a coming out thing. Maybe I should capitalize that: Coming Out Thing. Am I crazy?

—Blue

FROM: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com

DATE: Dec 2 at 9:13 PM

SUBJECT: Re: I should be . . .

Blue,

Okay, first things first—how did I not know you were Jewish? I guess this is you giving me a clue, right? Should I be looking in the halls for guys in yarmulkes? Yes, I looked up how to spell that. And your people are very creative, phonetically speaking. Anyway, I hope the HH goes well, and by the way, Aurora coffee is totally not underwhelming. In fact, I’ll probably steal your idea, because dads freaking love coffee. And my dad will especially go for it, because of the Little Five Points factor. My dad has this hilarious idea that he’s a hipster.

So, most importantly, Blue: the Coming Out Thing. Wow. I mean, you’re not crazy. I think you’re awesome. Are you worried about how he’ll react? And are you going to tell your mom, too?

Okay, I am also very impressed that you Googled your way to Elliott Smith, who was quite possibly the greatest songwriter since Lennon and McCartney. And then everything you said about the song reminding you of me is just so flattering and amazing that I don’t even know what to say. I’m speechless, Blue.

I’ll say this: you are dead right about the Oreos and the carpet, but wrong about the journal. The closest thing I’ve ever had to a journal is probably you.

Now you should go download “Oh Well, Okay” and “Between the Bars.” I’m just saying.

So, I hate to say it, but it’s probably a waste of your time to try to figure out who I am by looking at the bands on people’s T-shirts. I almost never wear band T-shirts, even though I kind of wish I did. I think, for me, listening to music is a very solitary thing. Or maybe that’s just something people say when they’re too lame to go to live shows. Either way, I am basically glued to my iPod, but I haven’t really seen anyone live, and then I end up feeling like wearing a band’s shirt without going to their show would be kind of like cheating. Does that make sense? For some reason, the whole thought of ordering some band’s shirt online makes me feel weirdly embarrassed. Like maybe the musician wouldn’t respect it. I don’t know.

Anyway, all things considered, I agree that this was a far more satisfying use of my time than writing English essays. You are very distracting.

—Jacques

FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

DATE: Dec 3 at 5:20 PM

SUBJECT: Re: I should be . . .

Jacques,

About you not knowing I was Jewish—I know I’ve never mentioned it. I’m not even Jewish, technically, because Judaism is matrilineal, and my mom’s Episcopalian. Anyway, I still haven’t decided if I’m really going to go through with it. It wasn’t something I thought I’d be ready to do anytime soon. I don’t know why, but lately, I’ve just felt this urge to put it out there. Maybe I just want to get it over with. What about you? Have you thought about the Coming Out Thing?

It gets complicated when you bring religion into the equation. Technically, Jews and Episcopalians are supposed to be gay-friendly, but it’s hard to really know how that applies to your own parents. Like, you read about these gay kids with really churchy Catholic parents, and the parents end up doing PFLAG and Pride Parades and everything. And then you hear about parents who are totally fine with homosexuality, but can’t handle it when their own kid comes out. You just never know.

I think instead of downloading the Elliott Smith songs you mentioned, I’ll just drop a hint to my dad that I want a couple of his albums for Hotel Hanukkah. I guarantee you that he has about six of my presents picked out, and is desperate for some kind of hint about what else he should be getting me.

So, I know you and I can’t really buy each other gifts in real life, but just know that if I could, I would order you all kinds of band T-shirts online. Even if it meant losing the respect of musicians everywhere (because I’m sure that’s how it works, Jacques). Or we could just go to a live show. I mean, I don’t actually know anything about music, but I’m guessing it would be fun if it was with you. Maybe one day.

I’m glad that you find me distracting. It wouldn’t be fair, otherwise.

—Blue