Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda

30

I GET HOME, AND ALL I want to do is walk somewhere. Anywhere. But as it stands, I’m not even allowed to walk my freaking dog. And I feel so restless and strange and unhappy.

I hate it when Leah’s mad at me. Hate it. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen a lot, because there’s this hidden emotional subtext with Leah, and I’m always missing it. But this feels different and worse than our normal. She was just so mean about everything.

Also, it’s the first time I’ve ever seen Leah cry.

Dinner is grilled cheese and Oreos, because my parents are still working and Nora’s out again. And then I basically spend the evening staring at my ceiling fan. I don’t have it in me to do my homework. No one’s going to expect it from me anyway with the play opening tomorrow. I listen to music, and I’m bored and antsy and, honestly, miserable.

Then, around nine, my parents come in wanting to Talk. Just when I thought today couldn’t get any better.

“Can I sit?” asks my mom, sort of hovering over the end of the bed. I shrug, and she sits, and my dad takes my desk chair.

I tuck my hands behind my head and sigh. “Let me guess. Don’t get drunk.”

“I mean, yeah,” my dad says, “don’t get drunk.”

“Got it.”

They look at each other. My dad clears his throat.

“I owe you an apology, kid.”

I look up at him.

“What you said on Friday. About the gay jokes.”

“I was kidding,” I say. “It’s fine.”

“No,” my dad says. “It’s not really fine.”

I shrug.

“Well, I’m just going to put this out there, in case the message got lost somewhere. I love you. A lot. No matter what. And I know it’s got to be awesome having the cool dad.”

“Ahem,” says my mom.

“Excuse me. The cool parents. The hardcore, badass, hipster parents.”

“Oh, it’s awesome,” I say.

“But rein us in if you need to, okay? Rein me in,” he says. He rubs his chin. “I know I didn’t make it easy for you to come out. We’re very proud of you. You’re pretty brave, kid.”

“Thanks,” I say. I pull myself up and lean against the wall, thinking it’s a good time for hair ruffling and sleep tight, kid and don’t stay up too late.

But they don’t move. So I say, “Well, for the record, I knew you were kidding. That’s not the reason I didn’t want to come out.”

My parents look at each other again.

“Can I ask you what the reason was?” says my mom.

“I mean, there wasn’t like a specific reason,” I say. “I just didn’t want to have to talk about it. I knew it would be a big deal. I don’t know.”

“Was it a big deal?” says my mom.

“Well, yeah.”

“I’m sorry,” she says. “Did we make it a big deal?”

“Oh my God. Seriously? You guys make everything a big deal.”

“Really?” she says.

“When I started drinking coffee. When I started shaving. When I got a girlfriend.”

“That stuff is exciting,” she says.

“It’s not that exciting,” I say. “It’s like—I don’t even know. You guys are so freaking obsessed with everything I do. It’s like I can’t change my socks without someone mentioning it.”

“Ah,” says my dad. “So, what you’re trying to say is that we’re really creepy.”

“Yes,” I say.

My mom laughs. “See, but you’re not a parent yet, so you can’t understand. It’s like—you have this baby, and eventually, he starts doing stuff. And I used to be able to see every tiny change, and it was so fascinating.” She smiles sadly. “And now I’m missing stuff. The little things. And it’s hard to let go of that.”

“But I’m seventeen. Don’t you think I’m supposed to be changing?”

“Of course you are. And I love it. It’s the most exciting time,” she says. She squeezes the end of my foot. “I’m just saying I wish I could still watch it all unfold.”

I don’t quite know what to say.

“You guys are just so grown-up now,” she continues, “all three of you. And you’re all so different. I mean, even when you were babies. Alice was fearless, and Nora was so self-contained, and then you were this complete ham. I mean, everyone kept saying you were your father’s son.”

My dad grins, and I’m honestly a little bit speechless. I have never, ever thought of myself that way.

“I actually remember holding you for the first time. Your little mouth. You latched right onto my breast—”

“Mom.”

“Oh, it was the most incredible moment. And your dad carried your sister in, and she kept saying, ‘No baby!’” My mom laughs. “I couldn’t take my eyes off you. I couldn’t believe we were the parents of a boy. I guess we had gotten so used to thinking of ourselves as girl parents, so it was like this whole new thing to discover.”

“Sorry I didn’t turn out to be much of a boy,” I say.

My dad spins the chair around to face me directly. “Are you kidding me?”

“Sort of.”

“You’re an awesome boy,” he says. “You’re like a ninja.”

“Well, thank you.”

“You’re freaking welcome,” he says.

There’s this distant slam of the front door shutting and dog nails skittering across the hardwoods—Nora’s home.

“Listen,” says my mom, poking my foot again. “I don’t want to cramp your style, but maybe you could just humor us? Keep us in the loop about stuff where you can, and we’ll try not to be weird and obsessed.”

“Fair enough,” I say.

“Good,” she says. They look at each other again. “Anyway, we have something for you.”

“Is it another awkward anecdote about me breast-feeding?”

“Oh my God, you were all about the boob,” my dad says. “I can’t believe you turned out to be gay.”

“Hilarious, Dad.”

“I know I am,” he says. Then he stands up and pulls something out of his pocket. “Here,” he says, tossing it.

My phone.

“You’re still grounded, but you get parole this weekend. And you can get your laptop back after the play tomorrow if you remember all your lines.”

“I don’t have any lines,” I say slowly.

“Then you don’t have anything to worry about, kid.”

But it’s sort of funny, because even without any lines to mess up, I’m nervous. Excited and fluttery and amped up and nervous. As soon as the dismissal bell rings, Ms. Albright takes Abby, Martin, Taylor, and a few of the others to do an extra vocal warm-up in the music room, but the rest of us just sit there on the floor of the auditorium eating pizza. Cal’s running around dealing with the tech people, and it’s kind of a relief to just be hanging out with a bunch of random senior girls at the moment. No Calvin Coolidge or Martin Van Buren or any other confusing presidential boys. No Leah looking at me with weapons for eyes.

The show begins at seven, but Ms. Albright wants us fully in costume by six. I put in my contact lenses and get changed early, and then I sit around in the girls’ dressing room waiting for Abby. It’s five thirty by the time she gets there, and she’s clearly in a weird mood. She barely says hello.

I pull my chair beside her and watch her apply her makeup.

“Are you nervous?” I ask.

“A little.” She stares into the mirror, sort of dabbing a mascara wand against her eyelashes.

“Nick’s coming tonight, right?”

“Yup.”

These clipped, abrupt answers. She almost seems annoyed.

“When you’re done,” I say, “will you help me be ridiculously hot?”

“Eyeliner?” she asks. “Okay. One sec.”

Abby brings over her makeup bag and pulls her chair across from mine. At this point, we’re the only ones left in the dressing room. She uncaps the pencil and pulls my eyelid taut, and I try not to squirm.

“You’re so quiet,” I say, after a moment. “Is everything okay?”

She doesn’t answer. I feel the pencil push across the edge of my lashes. Scritch scritch scritch.

“Abby?” I ask. The pencil lifts away, and I open my eyes.

“Keep them closed,” she says. Then she starts my other eyelid. She’s quiet for a minute. And then she says, “What was this whole thing with Martin?”

“With Martin?” I ask, and my stomach twists.

“He told me everything,” she says, “but I’d sort of like to hear it from you.”

I feel frozen in place. Everything. But what does that even mean?

“The blackmail thing?”

“Yeah,” she says. “That. Okay, open them.” She starts tracing the bottom lid, and I fight the urge to blink. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because,” I say, “I don’t know. I didn’t tell anyone.”

“And you just went along with it?”

“I didn’t exactly have much of a choice.”

“But you knew I wasn’t attracted to him, right?” She caps the pencil again.

“Yeah,” I say, “I did.”

Abby leans back for a moment to examine me, before sighing and leaning forward again. “I’m going to even this out,” she says. And then she’s quiet.

“I’m sorry.” Suddenly, it feels so important for her to understand. “I didn’t know what to do. He was going to tell everyone. I really didn’t want to help him. I barely did help him.”

“Yeah.”

“Which, you know, that’s why he ended up even posting that thing on the Tumblr. Because I wasn’t helping him enough.”

“No, I get it,” she says.

She finishes with the pencil, and then smudges everything with her finger. A moment later, I feel her run some poufy makeup brush all over my cheeks and nose.

“I’m done,” she says, and I open my eyes. She looks at me and frowns. “It’s just, you know. I get that you were in a difficult position. But you don’t get to make the decisions about my love life. I choose who I date.” She shrugs. “I would think you would understand that.”

I hear myself inhale. “I’m so sorry.” I hang my head. I mean, I wish I could just disappear.

“Well, you know. It is what it is.” She shrugs. “I’m gonna head out there, okay?”

“Okay.” I nod.

“Maybe someone else could do your makeup tomorrow,” she says.

The play goes fine. I mean, it’s better than fine. Taylor is perfectly earnest, and Martin is perfectly crotchety, and Abby is so lively and funny that it’s almost like our conversation in the dressing room never happened. But after it’s over, she disappears without saying good-bye, and Nick’s gone by the time I get out of costume. And I have no idea if Leah was here at all.

So, yeah. The play’s great. I’m the one who’s miserable.

I meet my parents and Nora in the atrium, and my dad’s carrying this giant bouquet of flowers that looks like something out of Dr. Seuss. Because even without a speaking part, I’m apparently God’s gift to theater. And all the way home, they hum the songs and talk about Taylor’s amazing voice and ask me if I’m friends with the hilarious kid with the beard. A.k.a. Martin. God, what a question.

I reunite with my laptop as soon as we get home. To be honest, I’m more confused than ever.

I guess it’s not a huge surprise that Leah’s pissed about last Friday. I think she’s going a little overboard with it, but I get it. I probably had it coming. But Abby?

It honestly hit me out of nowhere. It’s weird, because of all the things I felt guilty about, it never occurred to me to feel guilty about Abby. But I’m a fucking idiot. Because who you like can’t be forced or persuaded or manipulated. If anyone knows that, it’s me.

I’m a shitty friend. Worse than a shitty friend, because I should be begging for Abby’s forgiveness right now, and I’m not. I’m too busy wondering what exactly Martin told her. Because it doesn’t sound like he mentioned anything other than the blackmail.

Which could mean he doesn’t want to admit that he’s Blue. Or it could mean he’s not Blue at all. And the thought of Blue being someone other than Martin gives me this breathless, hopeful feeling.

Actually hopeful, despite the mess I’ve made. Despite the drama. Despite everything. Because even with all the shit that’s gone down this week, I still care about Blue.

The way I feel about him is like a heartbeat—soft and persistent, underlying everything.

I log into my Jacques email, and when I do, something clicks. And it isn’t Simon logic. It’s objective, indisputable truth:

Every email Blue ever sent me is time-stamped.

So many of the emails were sent right after school. So many were sent when I was in rehearsal. Which means Martin was also in rehearsal, with no time to write and no wireless internet.

Blue isn’t Martin. He’s not Cal. He’s just someone.

So, I go all the way back to the beginning, back to August, and I read through everything. His subject lines. Every line of every email.

I have no idea who he is. No freaking clue.

But I think I’m falling for him again.