Straight Talk, No Chaser: How to Find, Keep, and Understand a Man

5

He Won’t Commit, You Won’t Leave-Now What?

You’ve been dating for years. Your girlfriends, your sister, and even your worst enemy have been advising that it’s about time he commit to you, but he’s dragging his feet. Sound familiar? Know that you’re not alone in trying to figure out why he just won’t get on with it already. Single women across the land are talking about it on practically every television talk show, in nearly every women’s magazine, and at many a girlfriend spa getaway session-men aren’t committing. We are neither interested in nor care to be bothered with marriage. Plenty of statistics back this up, too: for example, a 2008 America’s Families and Living Arrangements survey by the U.S. Bureau of the Census shows that the percentage of married men and women above age fifteen living in the United States hovers just around the 50 percent mark, which means that a significant number of women old enough to get hitched don’t have a ring and about 46 percent of men old enough to wear a wedding ring aren’t. Every year, too, the numbers of men and women heading to the altar to say “I do” takes a small dip-enough to sound the alarm on the prospects of finding a marriage partner.

Scary times if you want to be married.

Thing is, even as society keeps pushing on little girls, young ladies, and grown women the notion that they have to be married to be complete and secure, nobody is really preaching this to boys and men. Indeed, from practically the time we come out of the womb, we’re told to play the field and take our time. And as we get older, we guard fiercely what we think are sane, rational reasons for staying single: it’s easier to live with a woman than to be married to her; it’s better to wait to have kids; we can get more sex if we’re single; the woman we marry has to be absolutely perfect for us; it’s cheaper to stay single than it is to pay alimony; and did I mention we can get more sex if we’re single? We should be set in our careers and have money in our bank accounts before we think about taking on the responsibility of a wife and kids; we don’t have to change or compromise if we stay single; and, oh yeah-we can get more sex if we’re single.

With all those perfectly rational reasons and absolutely no pressure from anyone to get married, it’s really no wonder that half of us old enough to get married don’t. But this doesn’t mean that we aren’t capable of commitment. In fact, we commit to a lot of things: Tee times. Basketball games with our buddies. Our biweekly appointments at the barbershop. Our jobs. Our children. Our mortgages, leasing agreements, and car notes. Our friends.

And, yes, the women we love.

Men make those commitments when we are compelled to do so-when the consequences of not being committed are laid out and made clear to us. See, a man doesn’t do anything unless he knows there’s a sound reason for doing it. He commits to golf tee times because he knows that if he misses it, he may not get another until hours later, and his whole day will be thrown off. He commits to showing up on time to his weekend basketball game with the guys knowing that if he’s late, he may not get to play until the second game. He commits to making his appointment at the barbershop knowing that if he doesn’t show up at the right time, he might end up in the chair of the barber who is just learning his way around a pair of clippers. He commits to showing up to work on time knowing that if he’s late, he loses pay; commits to paying his rent on time knowing that if he’s late, he pays fines or loses his apartment; commits to paying his car note knowing that if he doesn’t, his ride could get repossessed.

Men do all these things because troubling repercussions and consequences occur if they blow off those commitments. And the same is true of a man who knows he’ll lose the woman he loves if he fails to fulfill his commitment to her. And let’s be real here: though half the men of marrying age are not married, half of them are, and thousands more marriages occur every day. Why? Because many men are capable and do fulfill that commitment to their women. These men are not intimidated by their women (no matter how accomplished they are), they’re not ashamed of their station in life, they’re not dogs, they’re not afraid of responsibility or of losing their freedom. They got married or are getting married because they love the women with whom they exchanged rings with, and, just as important, their women made marriage a requirement of their continuing the relationship.

Call me a hopeless romantic but I honestly believe your man is out there, and that getting into a solid, stable, loving relationship is still possible. Here’s the rub: finding that commitment begins and ends with you. I know, I know. This places the responsibility squarely in your lap. But the reality is that women truly hold the power in their pretty, delicate, manicured hands. I said it in Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, but it bears repeating: a man can’t hold a conversation with you, kiss you, hold your hand, call your house, take you out, or pull back the sheets on your bed except with your permission-period. You have the power, here, to decide if we’re going to stop with all our foolishness or get away with it, and really, we can’t make any meaningful moves without you. Think about it: a man can’t run for president if he doesn’t have a wife; other men aren’t about to let some guy have all that power and have a nation of women-even their own-looking wistfully at a single president, and we all know full well that women bring all kinds of necessary nuances to the Oval Office. Look at recent events. A man who cheats on his wife and has a baby out of wedlock can’t run for the presidency because his character is now in question; both women-his wife and his lover-hold the power to keep him from the most powerful seat in the land. That’s power. A governor so whipped by the love of a woman clean on the other side of the world tells his staff, his wife, his children, and his state a pack of lies so he can get to the woman he loves-no matter the consequences. That’s power. If we have children together, the law almost always allows you to keep them over us. Hell, we can’t make those babies without you. That’s power. Women help us curb our worst instincts; you’re like our built-in moral compass, keeping us sane and out of a life of ridiculous, drunken debauchery. All too many of us would be out-of-control frat boys acting the fool all day, every day for the sum of the next thirty years; we’d spend every single cent we have on strippers and hookers, get drunk and stupid and do entirely inappropriate things every second of the day, if it weren’t for our love and respect for our women, and your deep faith in us, keeping us in check. That’s power.

Not only do we need you, we want you too.

But if you want more than one casual hookup after another with a man, you’re going to have to show him the way to your heart and make him work to get there. You know the Bible verse: To whom much is given, much is required. This needs to be your motto-your modus operandi-as you seek a commitment from him; you have to let him know that you have a lot to offer and that you fully intend to use your powers for the good of the both of you, but only if he meets your requirements. Get commitment from your man by keeping the following in mind.

HOW TO GET A MAN TO COMMIT

1. Get Yourself Ready for a Commitment

I’ll never forget the lesson my mother taught me about getting ready for a blessing. I was living with my parents, trying to find my way, and preparing myself for big things-in this particular instance, a new car. My old car was sitting up on cinder blocks in my parents’ driveway, and I’d been saving up my money and checking car dealerships and want ads all around town, looking for a more polished ride. One morning while we were enjoying breakfast together, I said, “Mama, I’ve been working really hard. I’m going to get a new car,” seeking out support.

At first, she didn’t say anything-just nodded. And then she reminded me: “Your old car is out there on the blocks.”

A couple days later, I announced to her my intentions again, and again, she nodded and repeated what seemed obvious: “Your old car is out there on the blocks.”

For the life of me, I couldn’t understand why my mother, who was usually much more supportive, appeared only lukewarm about my plans for a new car. The only enthusiasm she could muster up whenever the subject came up was that “your old car is out there on the blocks” statement. And by the fourth time she said it to me, I confronted her. “Mama, how come every time I say I want a new car, you tell me about my old one?”

She was quiet at first. And then she let me have it: “If God gives you a new car, where are you going to put it? Your old car is out there on the blocks. If you’re going to ask God for something, act like he’s going to give it to you and make ready to receive it.”

And you know what? What she said made all the sense in the world. I wasn’t ready for a new car because my old one was taking up space out there in the driveway. Like trash. Even if Ed McMahon had driven up in a new car, I wouldn’t have had a space for it until I cleaned up my mess. That’s just what I did, too. I called one of my partners and paid him twenty-five dollars to tow that car away. Then I hosed off the concrete and put down some new asphalt and cleared out those blocks and got that driveway ready for my new ride. Two months later, I drove my new car onto that nice, clean driveway and thanked God for my blessing. Finally, I was ready to receive it.

I share this metaphor with you because it symbolizes what women who truly are looking for a committed relationship must do to get ready for the blessing. You can’t get the man you want if you got all your garbage-all that baggage from the last guy who did you wrong, an ex you won’t let go of-in your figurative driveway, up on those blocks. You simply have no room in your heart if the guy you keep dating, even though you know he’s not the one for you, is hanging around. You may touch each other every once in a while and do things to make each other feel good, but on balance you’re lonely, he’s not there for you when you need him, and you know that relationship isn’t going anywhere. He’s like that old car up there on those blocks, taking up space.

The same is true of things that block your heart and your mind from being available for someone new-divorce, bitterness over a relationship gone wrong, holding on to the myth that all the good guys are taken, thinking it’s best to have a deep bench of guys to “play” with rather than focusing on making one relationship work. Each of these things keeps your heart up on those blocks-makes you seek out in the new guy all the mistakes and screwups that ended the last relationship, hold on to the bitterness, and brace yourself for something bad when you should be focused on finding something good.

You’ve got to stop looking for all the signs that the new man is going to hurt you, stop messing around with the guy who’s just wasting your time, stop holding on to the hurt and anger and resentment that came from your divorce. Call the tow truck and haul that mess out of there, and get ready to receive the man who is worthy of you.

2. Build a Fence Around Your Heart

To do this, you’re first going to have to let go of the stereotypes that paint men with that broad stroke of negativity. Contrary to popular belief and a host of bad information passed down from generation to generation of girlfriends, there are some good men out there. You wouldn’t know it by the stories many women share with one another: all the good men are taken. Men don’t want to commit, they just want to play. They just want to have sex with as many women as possible and don’t care about your feelings. If you hear this enough, you internalize it, then transfer the stereotypes to every man standing before you-whether he fits the mold or is the very antithesis of it. Once that image is etched on your mind, then you’re setting the tone for how you’re going to present yourself to the men who do come your way. You know how it works: He could meet you one glorious Saturday afternoon in the park-the sun could be shining, the birds could be chirping, and he could be as charming, funny, intelligent, and handsome as you’d have him to be, but in the back of your mind, the loop of conversations between you and your girlfriend plays on and on. The moment he answers a question the wrong way, you’re making assumptions about him and changing the way you’re presenting yourself to him. All of a sudden where there was a smile, there is attitude. Where there was spirit, there is defeat. Where there was hope, there is brooding. All because he said he doesn’t want to get married right away or doesn’t want kids right now. He may have meant, “I don’t want to get married before I finish school,” but because you’ve bought into the stereotypes about men and commitment, you hear, “I don’t want to be married ever.”

In essence, you build a twenty-foot brick wall with barbed wire at the top. I promise you, few men are going to be willing to scale it. Your presentation, your approach, your energy isn’t welcoming-nothing about you is saying to prospective suitors, “I’m available, approachable, and, under the right conditions, ready for love.” Sure you could be screaming it from the tower window through a megaphone a mile away from the fence you built, but he’s not going to hear you because you’re too far away, too high up, and too guarded.

Don’t get me wrong: there’s nothing wrong with standards. In fact, I’ve always said that you have the right to have them-must have them in order to get a man to take a relationship with you seriously. But do your standards and requirements reflect who you are and what you’re capable of giving back? Because not many men will sign up for a situation that isn’t fairly equal. I remember when I presented Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man on Oprah, there was a woman in the audience who said she had a list with two hundred thirty-six standards and requirements, and any man who wanted to be with her had to meet every last one of them. One of them I distinctly remember was that she wanted a man who is at least six feet, four inches, with a nice build and washboard abs, and that she had no intentions of settling for less. Well, I remember sitting there looking and thinking to myself, “If I were six feet, four inches with washboard abs, I’m not about to pick soft, short, and fluffy. I’m in the gym working my ass off, eating turnip greens and tofu, and you’re chowing down on smothered pork chops? No ma’am.”

You can have all the high standards you want and demand a man scale that twenty-foot barbwire fence just to go on a date or two with you. But the last thing you want him to say when he makes it over there is, “Damn: You made me climb over all of this and this is all you got?!” Why does he have to be a millionaire if you’re working at the shoe store? Why demand he have three degrees when, despite your native intelligence, you dropped out of junior college? Why demand he own and run a business if you can’t even pull together bus fare to make it to your job? Why expect him to treat you with respect, and be kind and loving and sweet, if on every personality test you take, words like bossy, full of attitude, and aggressive come up. This is what folks mean when they suggest your standards might be too high. You may have met him because you had on a miniskirt and some pumps and had a glowing tan, but he’s not going to stop and notice, much less scale, that tall wall of yours if you’re not giving him a reason to.

That doesn’t mean you lower or eliminate your standards and requirements altogether, either. You don’t build a one-foot fence around your yard and then let just any old body walk all over your lawn. If you have no standards and requirements, a man can cancel a date with you at the last minute without repercussion, he can sleep with you before you’ve got ninety days’ (more of that in the glossary) worth of dating under your belt, and he can call you two hours after he told you he would and then show up in the middle of the night for the infamous booty call. You’re essentially signing up to be mistreated by someone for whom commitment doesn’t matter. And trust me: if a man thinks he can have you without making a commitment, you’re not going to get a commitment from him.

If you truly want commitment, you’re going to have to build a four-foot fence around your heart-raise your standards up in a way that says, “Not everybody can come and play and dance in my yard. If you want to act disrespectfully, then go up the street to someone else’s yard.” It is those standards and requirements-the demanding he treat you with respect, the requiring him to call when he says he’s going to call and take you out when he says he’s going to take you out, his rising to the occasion and being good with your kids, and, most important, his acknowledging that you require commitment from any man coming into your yard-that will make him understand that to get past that fence, he’s got to put in some work. But the work will be well worth it because behind that fence is a beautiful prize: your love, your support, and your cookie (more on that in Chapter 8 and the glossary)-the three things every man needs to feel whole with a woman.

RECOGNIZE WHY YOU’RE STICKING AROUND

A woman is programmed from the time she sees her first Disney movie to expect that a knight in shining armor will ride in on his big white horse and whisk her off to their big wedding day, with all the doves chirping, the flowers blooming, and the townspeople cheering her on as she rides off into the sunset with Prince Charming-right on into her happily ever after. This is part of the female culture and you start getting messages even as a toddler: you should expect to get married, have a family, and grow old with someone you love who loves you back. There’s nothing wrong with wanting that dream; it doesn’t have to be a fairy tale. But if your pursuit of that dream wedding is keeping you in a relationship that offers no hope of commitment, no chance of advancement, and is doing nothing more than making you miserable, then your dream of happily ever after will never become reality. And though you may not want to hear or accept it, you really have no one else to blame for this but yourself.

This is harsh, I know, but it’s the truth.

You’re stuck in a relationship with a man who isn’t fully committing to you because you’re not using your power to make him understand that you will accept nothing less than commitment. Please understand: a man who wants you will jump through hoops of fire with buckets of gasoline tied to his waist if he loves you and you make clear to him that you need a firm commitment from him-monogamy and a ring-if he’s going to stay with you. We understand consequences; it’s what we live and die by. But if you’re letting him stick around, without demanding he make his intentions clear, and you’re conducting your relationship under the premise that “some” man is better than “no” man, then you’re going to get what you signed up for: just a piece of a man.

Men understand why you stay. You rationalize it’s better to keep us and be halfway happy, even if you don’t get your wedding day and the paper that says you’re officially committed to each other, than to risk being alone. But you’ve got to take a less emotional approach and think logically about why staying with him, if you’re doing it for any of the following four reasons, isn’t in your best interest.

1. If You’re Staying with Him Because of the Kids

I commend you for this-it’s a noble gesture. No child should have to grow up without a father in the home, and it’s a natural part of your nurturing instinct to want your kids to stay in an intact household if it’s an option. There’s value to that. But what value does your child get when he sees his mother is miserable all the time? Who wins if you’re doing all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the child rearing, making all the effort and getting back more than your share of misery or frustration, and you’re not getting what you want and need in return? Is it win-win if your child doesn’t know what love and respect look like? I’ve even heard women say that for the sake of their children, they’re simply going to stick it out in their relationship arrangements until their kids graduate from school, and then they’ll leave. That’s a mighty long time to wait for happiness. That’s why they have this thing called visitation. You should look into that. And then make plans to get happy, particularly if he’s the type who’s never going to give you the commitment you need.

2. If You’re Staying with Him Hoping That He’ll Eventually Give You a Ring

Know that the ring’s not coming. You’ve been with him for how long and he still hasn’t asked you? He’s still making excuses and promises? He never wants to talk about taking the next step? Tells you he’s not ready? Those are all the signs that you’re holding on to a hope that’s absolutely hopeless. He’s not marrying you because you’re not telling him it’s mandatory in order for the two of you to continue. Why should he? He says he loves you. You’ve had his children and he’s grateful for his babies. You’re sleeping with him. You hold him when he’s sad. His family already accepts you. And you’re going to the office parties. He’s got all of the benefits of a marriage. In his mind there’s no compelling reason to get married. You’re the one who wants a wedding. He doesn’t and until you make it a requirement, he won’t.

3. If You’re Staying Because the Sex Is Good

Fireworks at night will leave you feeling nothing but empty and alone in the morning. Countless women will tell you in a heartbeat, “I can’t bear him-he’s not doing this, he’s not doing that, but girl, all the lights swirl and the stars pop in the sky when I’m in bed with him!” His physical prowess is so outstanding, that moment of gratification is so addictive, all his negatives are overlooked for a moment of sexually charged excitement. But let me clue you in on a little something: he’s not the only one who can satisfy you. If you really want to experience something incredible, find a man who treats you the way you deserve to be treated, a man who adores you the way you deserve to be adored and gives you your heart’s desires. See how that feels. Talk about “Oh say can you see” and bombs bursting in the air! You’re diminishing your chances of getting true gratification as long as you keep messing around with the wrong one.

4. If You’re Staying Because the Money Is Right

Know that you’re selling your happiness to the highest bidder. Let’s say he’s the primary breadwinner-he makes more than you or his half is essential to upholding the lifestyle you’re accustomed to and have come to love. You’re going to take a hit if you leave; you may go from a mansion to an apartment, from a luxury car to a used sedan, from expendable income to a scenario where you’re closer to living paycheck to paycheck. But isn’t that worth your happiness? Can you put a price tag on what your happiness is worth? What’s the cost? Is it worth $36,000 a year? $100,000? $1 million? Are the big house, the two extra cars, and the shopping sprees at the fancy stores worth the misery? You may lose financially if you walk away, but what you gain in happiness, peace of mind, and self-esteem-is priceless.

BE WILLING TO CASH IN YOUR CHIPS

Once you consider all of the preceding, once you think logically about how illogical it is to hold on to a man who refuses to give you what you want, you’re going to have to take that brave step and stop gambling with your life. Because that’s all you’re doing. You’re going from table to table, winning some and losing some, collecting chips before giving them up. This ain’t Vegas, baby. What happens here stays with you for the rest of your life. Getting married is more than just the pretty wedding gown and the flavor of cake you’ll serve, deciding who’ll be in the wedding party and the size of the stone in the ring; a lot of rights come with that piece of paper that says you are legally bound to this man. If something happens to the husband, the job and Social Security will pay benefits to his wife and the children. If he gets sick and medical decisions need to be made at the hospital, a girlfriend doesn’t have any decision-making power (common law exceptions notwithstanding), no matter how long she’s been with her man, no matter how often they talked about what his wishes would be were he ever in the position where life-and-death decisions had to be made. A wife has that power. If a man decides to break up with a woman who’s been in a long-term relationship with him and helped him build his wealth, the ex-girlfriend has no claim on the money they accumulated together, but if she’s got marriage papers, she gets half.

Why would you gamble with your life like that? Something could happen next month, and you’d have nothing to show for all of the work you put in. Trust me: he’s got plenty-he’s got you, he’s got sex, he’s got emotional support, he’s got your loyalty, and he’s still got his freedom to leave whenever he wants with very few repercussions. Shouldn’t you have what you want too? If you want him to commit, he has to know that you will cash the chips in-that you will leave. Otherwise, again, most men will not voluntarily head to the altar. You can tell your children all day, “If you don’t do this, that, and the other, you’re going to be in big trouble,” but until you show them what will happen to them if they don’t listen, they will keep testing you. Hate to compare men to children but let’s keep it real.

Don’t let men do that to you; take your chips up to the window and cash them in. Let him know that the consequence of not giving you what you want is he’ll be left alone-without you. Men absolutely will not do anything without a reason, and the reason we do most things is so that we can get the attention of the opposite sex. It’s a core tenet of manhood. We go to school because we know that if we go to college, there will be girls there. We go to college and get a degree so we can get a good-paying job so we can flash our money around to attract women. We want to be the star in the football game and say we’re the quarterback because young women will love the letter jacket. Little boys run faster, climb higher, and jump longer when they know a girl is watching. They will knock themselves out if a girl is looking, honest to goodness. My family and I went on vacation recently and my son Wynton was at the beach with his sister Lori. When two Brazilian girls hopped in the water, he started doing underwater headstands. I had to run and go get my son because he was damn near drowning himself-choking and coughing and clawing at his face after salt got into his eyes-all because he was showing off for these girls. A few weeks later, he almost knocked me out when he came running down the stairs wearing an entire can of TAG body spray after he saw a commercial showing ten girls jumping all over this guy who was wearing it. He did those crazy things for a reason: because he wanted to capture the attention and heart of the opposite sex.

This doesn’t change when men get older: we do things to impress you, and we listen to and abide by your rules and requirements if the consequences of not doing so mean we’re going to lose you. My buddy’s grandmother once said to me that the finest woman in the world is your ex on the arm of another man. And, buddy, let me tell you what we can’t stand to see: the woman we’ve been intimate with, lived with, built a future with, dreamed about a better day with, on the arm of another man. We can’t take that.

Sure, there’s a chance that when you make that ultimatum-when you demand that commitment-he’ll move on. Let. Him. Go. If he was willing to walk away from what you had to offer, he was a noncontender anyway. Sure, you invested time in this guy, sure you love him, sure you want to be with him. But you also want what you want, and you have the right to want that commitment from him-you have the right to stand firm on this.

Just like men don’t change, women don’t either-and that’s okay. If you want it at twenty-five, you’re going to want it at thirty-five. What’s not so okay is compromising your requirements to justify having a relationship with a man who won’t give you what you ultimately want; settling is compromising. What’s not okay is burying your want and need for security, protection, respect, and support. Yielding and bending to his will-pushing aside what you want-is compromising. And when you compromise who you are for a man, there’s no way you can find a deep, long-lasting happiness. If you’re not happy, you’re not loving him the way he needs to be loved-you’re not supporting him, you’re not loyal to him, and you’re less willing to give him the cookie. And if he’s not getting those three things, the relationship gets more dysfunctional and less pleasant until one of you finally leaves.

I’m not asking you to change for him. I’m telling you to understand his thought process, set your requirements, and stand firm on them so that you can get what you want: commitment. And if he can’t give that to you-if he refuses-cut your losses. Push those chips up to the window and tell him you’re not gambling with your life anymore.

He may move on. But if he has searched his heart and loves you, he’ll stay.

Either way, long term, you win.

The bottom line is that the world is full of men who are willing and able to commit. Get your house in order, put your standards and requirements to use, exercise your power in your relationships, and be willing to walk away. I’m not saying this journey will be easy or quick. But it’ll be well worth it.

Twelve Ways to Tell If Your Man Is Ready to Commit

1.

He takes you to his place of worship.

2.

He thinks about you when you’re away and still thinks about you when you’re near.

3.

He changes all his phone numbers so that none of his old flames can contact him anymore.

4.

He allows you to help pick out his wardrobe.

5.

Any man who wears matching outfits is totally committed because he has lost

all

his friends’ respect.

6.

He gives you a nickname he can’t allow his friends to hear, like Schmoogles. Trust me, he knows full well that as soon as his friends hear that, they’ll know he’s sprung and, though it’s your nickname, that’s what they’ll call

him

every time they see him.

7.

He puts making you happy in front of his own happiness.

8.

He’s seen you without your hair styled and no makeup and still keeps calling.

9.

He’s met your entire family and is still willing to attend the family reunion.

10.

He knows your kids are crazy and ill-mannered but loves you anyway.

11.

He’s seen your mother in action and still thinks you can make it as a couple.

12.

He allows you to meet

his

entire family, realizing this could change everything.

For Ladies Only…

Sometimes, the Breakup Is a Blessing

I know it’s hard when you leave someone you’ve loved; it’s painful, emotional, and leaves a mark on your heart that feels like an open wound. But there’s a blessing in the storm, I promise you. You just have to recognize it and claim it for yourself. All too often, women stay in relationships because they’ve got some serious time invested, even though there is constant fighting, you’ve got very little in common, and you’ve grown in different directions. I know people who are married who don’t even like each other, but still, they hang on. I ask, what are you hanging on to? Know that if you just let go, the chances are that you’ll wake up in peace. The arguing will be gone. So will the fighting. You’ll get to do what you want to do without having to cater to a man who doesn’t appreciate what you’re doing. First, though, you have to remember what you’re breaking up from: if you’ve been cheated on, lied to, abused, left to spend all your time alone, forced to constantly question his whereabouts, then you’re not leaving much. Let go of it and claim your blessing. You may be hurt, alone, and scared of getting back into the dating game, but this is the alone time you need to better position yourself for what the Creator has in mind for you. What He has in mind for you may be just waiting for you to be free and available. The blessing is that you can reinvent yourself-be who you want to be instead of who you had to be in order to make that past relationship work. I can truly attest to the blessings that come when you become open to change. If I had focused on trying to get into acting, I can assure you I wouldn’t have the success I have today. If I just did stand-up, I would have never gotten the Steve Harvey Show. If I stayed on the show, I would have never gotten on the radio. If I had focused on radio, I never would have written the book. If I’d never written the book, I never would have gotten the international acclaim that comes from my book-buying audience. I’m constantly reinventing myself, and you shouldn’t be afraid to reinvent yourself. If you’re getting out of a toxic relationship, the blessing is that he can’t throw you down the steps anymore; if you’re getting out of a relationship in which your man was unfaithful, the blessing is that you don’t have to sit and wonder and worry about who he’s with at night. If you’re getting out of a relationship in which your kids saw you arguing and fighting and mad all the time, the blessing is that the kids don’t have to witness you feeling sad and depressed anymore-they can see you happy again. Look at the positives and “do you.” Get back to the hobbies you liked doing before you got with him. Go out with your girls like you used to before your relationship took precedence. Spend some time getting really clear about what, exactly, it is you want for yourself before you get into another relationship. And when the new you emerges, you’ll be a better you. And the better you attracts what? A better man. And both of these are a blessing.

6

Asking Men the Right Questions to Get the Real Answers

I admit it-simple as we men claim to be, we can be tricky creatures, especially when it comes to women. We are the masters of the okey-doke and will dole out affection in drips and drops and use them as emotional placeholders until we decide in our own minds whether we really want to be with you or we want to move on to the next conquest. We’ll send the sweet text message to get you swooning, but then go for days without calling. We’ll spend the whole of a month wining and dining you and making you feel like there’s some amazing chemistry between us, but then clam up when it comes time to explain what, exactly, our intentions are concerning the relationship. We do this because we can. We can because all too many women let us. All too many women let us because they’re afraid of the alternative-having to start all over again with a new man, or having no man at all.

I wrote both in Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man and in Chapter 5 (“The Standoff”) of this book that women truly interested in finding the right guy have to get over the fear of losing one, because the moment you lose that fear is the moment guys lose their power over you. A man will disrespect you, put in minimal effort, and hold out on commitment if he thinks he can get away with it, so your job is to not let him get away with it. But this requires heading off the foolishness at the beginning-before a man gets his hooks in you-so that you can make clear-eyed decisions, devoid of emotion, about whether to continue pursuing a relationship with him. So much can be found out about a guy before you get in too deep-if you take the time to ask the right questions. I’m not referring here to the five general questions every woman should ask a man when she’s getting to know him (see the glossary), though asking those questions, as explained in the first book, will help you figure out what a potential mate wants out of life and what he wants out of a relationship with you; learning how to probe his answers will help you get to the very essence of who this man is and whether he has what you’re looking for in a long-lasting relationship.

To do this successfully, though, you’ll have to wrap your head around and understand one basic thing about us men: no matter the question, we will always give you the answer that will make us look the best.

Plain and simple.

I’m willing to wager that in the history of your relationships, you’ve never had a man introduce himself and share with you all his baggage and all his bad habits in the first several dates. You’re an adult; you know full well everyone comes with a history-everyone comes with a backstory and flaws. Yet if every man’s story was as good as the story he reveals about himself, you would have found your Prince Charming by now. Why aren’t you with the perfect man? Why? Because no one is that good.

Knowing that you long to be needed and wanted, however, men prey on those vulnerabilities; we manipulate our answers and the impressions we make so that we appear to be the man who can fulfill all those needs and wants-we sell the Happily Ever After. Tell a guy you’re looking for a man who is capable of commitment, and if he’s truly interested in you, he’ll have no problem telling you he wants exclusivity too. What he’s not going to offer up is that his last relationship didn’t work out because he cheated. Tell a man you’d like to be in a relationship with a guy who is good with kids, and he’s going to regale you with proud stories about how much he loves his nieces and nephews. But he’s probably going to keep to himself the information about his wicked baby mama drama, or the fact that he doesn’t see his kids but once every other month. And I promise you, you’re not going to hear on your first date about a man’s bad credit, his house foreclosure, or that he lived with his mother until five weeks ago; instead, this guy is going to go out of his way to show you his nice watch, his slick suit, and the nice car he barely held on to during his own personal economic crisis.

Men do this because we think that if we release this information too early, we won’t get the catch-you. You have to remember that at the base of it, we’re no different from, say, a peacock with a plume of colorful feathers, or a lion with a huge, bushy, fiery orange mane: just like a male peacock spreading those feathers or a male lion standing tall among his pride to attract their female counterparts, men flash things like their money, their cars, their clothes, their watches, and their job titles to impress women. The presentation is critical to us-it’s all part of the bait we throw in the water to capture the fish; we just want you to bite on the hook. A man knows he’s not hooking any woman with stories about how broke he is or how he doesn’t have any power at his job or how his ex-wife comes around the house every Thursday to scrawl “He’s completely unreliable” in red chalk across the garage doors. He’s wrapping himself in all the pretty packaging so you’ll buy into him.

Come on, admit it: women tend to ask men two questions, tops, before they make the decision about whether a man might just be the one for them. Knowing this, we’ll answer the first question in a way that’ll make us come out smelling like a rose. Ask a follow-up question for a little clarification, and we’ll find an even slicker way to tell you what you want to hear. And once a man tells you what makes him sound the best, you hear what you want to hear and, instead of asking more questions and getting to the truth of the matter, you form your own truth. You get so enamored by his buzzwords-I want to be committed, I love kids, I’m a hard worker, I love to cook, I’m into the arts-that you skip asking more questions and immediately start saying to yourself, “It’s him! It’s him! Oh, thank you Lord, I found him!” You take the good parts-the answers to the first two levels of questioning-bundle up those words and internalize them, then use them to justify falling in love with who you think is the “ideal” man, never considering-often, until it’s too late-that had you probed a little deeper you would have gotten closer to who he really is.

You don’t dig deeper because you’re scared that if the questions run too deep, he will run off and you will lose out on a good one. He doesn’t tell the whole truth because he’s scared he might not appeal to you. Everybody is just scared now. Scared and avoiding the whole truth.

Don’t buy into the fairy tale. Sure, men would serve themselves well if they provided the relevant information up front; not only would it clear men from ever being accused of lying-a charge that adds a lot more tollbooths on the road to solid relationships-but certainly it would give the women we truly want to build relationships with more insight into who we really are. All too often, we men prevent the relationship from growing because we create an element of distrust early on, by withholding vital information that gives women that which they need to make sound decisions for themselves. When a woman gets blindsided with information she thinks should have been disclosed up front, she questions everything-no matter a man’s intentions.

So should men offer all the information up front? Of course we should. It’s only fair. But we won’t volunteer it because telling the whole truth not only makes us look lesser in your eyes, but it also takes the “chase and capture” out of our hands and puts the future of the relationship squarely into yours. A man’s candidness early on gives you the chance to truly understand how, for example, past relationships might affect your future together; the opportunity to process the information; and the ability to decide for yourself if you can handle the baggage that comes with all the good he’s already told you about. Sure, there are some men who will lay out all the dirty laundry up front for you to see. But this is rare. Very rare. So the onus of getting down to the truth is, unfortunately, on you.

And you get to the truth by digging deeper.

Aren’t you tired of being the victim? Tired of getting played? Tired of thinking you got somebody and then finding out he’s not all he made himself out to be? Stop giving up the cookie before you have all the information, and instead get the information and then decide if it’s in your best interest to share yourself with him.

Doing this will take no more than three questions, I promise you. It hardly ever changes with us:

Question No. 1

will get you the answer that makes us look best.

Question No. 2

will get you the answer that we think you want to hear.

Question No. 3

will introduce you to the truth.

We have no other choice but to tell the truth after that; our liar bench isn’t deep enough to go up against your intuition, especially when you start probing us in that slick way only women can pull off. Witness:

QUESTION NO. 1: Why did your last relationship break up?

The Answer That Makes Him Look Best:

Well, I was trying to be all I could be-I was working hard, trying to provide for her, and she didn’t understand my work ethic and she just couldn’t take it anymore.

The Breakdown:

This answer makes him seem like he’s a hard worker, committed to building toward the future. It also plays into a woman’s natural instincts to be nurturing-makes you say to yourself, “I would never leave a man who’s trying his best-I’d focus on supporting him.”

QUESTION NO. 2: If she were more supportive, would you have stayed in the relationship?

The Answer That You Want to Hear:

Absolutely. I want to be committed. I want to be with somebody who understands me and wants to be with me and understands what I’m about. I’m looking for that type of woman who wants to be committed and supportive of her man.

The Breakdown:

He’s telling you what you want to hear-that he’s a man who is committed and looking for a long-term relationship and willing to do what is necessary to take care of you. He knows those are all the buzzwords that get you hooked, and now he’ll sit back and let you fill in all the blanks-imagine him walking out of the house in the morning, briefcase in hand, going to work hard for you and the family, then coming home and holding and caressing you in his strong arms until you fall asleep. Of course, he didn’t say any of that other stuff; he just said what you wanted to hear. Don’t fall for the okey-doke. Get to the bottom of it with this…

QUESTION NO. 3: Well, if you were supportive, you were looking for loyalty, and you’re a hard worker and a good provider, how could the relationship break up? What happened that she said, “I can’t do this anymore”?

The Truth:

Well, I was looking for that support because I couldn’t find it at home, and I met someone who was more supportive and loyal.

The Breakdown:

The only thing left for him to do was to admit that it was infidelity, rather than a nonsupportive woman, that led to his breakup. Of course, there are nuances to why he ended up cheating, but the fact is that the relationship ultimately ended because he was being unfaithful-he broke the cardinal rule. Now you know he’s a hardworking guy who requires support and loyalty to be in a relationship, but you also know that he’s capable of cheating if he feels like he’s not getting what he needs out of the relationship.

Here’s another example.

I coached a listener on my radio show, the Steve Harvey Morning Show, to dig deeper into her questions with her man when she wrote that she suspected he wasn’t quite the father he made himself out to be. “He says he’s a great father,” she wrote, “and speaks highly of both his son and his daughter…”

QUESTION NO.1: How’s your relationship with your children?

The Answer That Makes Him Look Best:

It’s great. When we’re together, it’s nothing short of magical. My son is just like me-athletic and strong. And my daughter is smart and so beautiful. They’re amazing kids.

The Breakdown:

This answer makes him seem like he’s a fantastic dad, committed to his children and putting in work to mold them into good human beings. It plays into your natural desire for a man who will faithfully and happily participate in the rearing of the family you hope to have someday.

QUESTION NO. 2: How is your relationship with their mother?

The Answer That You Want to Hear:

It’s cool. We do what we can to get along for the sake of the kids. She doesn’t make it easy, but my kids are worth it.

The Breakdown:

He’s telling you what you want to hear-painting a picture of himself as the good guy in a relationship gone bad and the man who is willing to endure suffering and strife if it means he’ll get to be with his kids. Now, he’s looking like a superhero in your eyes because there is nothing sexier to a woman than a man who will bend steel and leap tall buildings to get to his children. You start imagining him rubbing your pregnant belly and reading to your babies and standing over the grill cooking up a home-cooked meal for the entire family while you stand by, looking on admirably at your magnificent catch of a man. What you missed was that he said his ex doesn’t make it easy for him to see his kids, and that he sees them when he can, not necessarily on a regular basis, and certainly not in the most pleasant of circumstances. Get to the bottom of it with this…

QUESTION NO. 3: If you and their mother don’t really get along, how does that hinder your relationship with your kids?

The Truth:

Well, because she and I don’t really get along, it’s hard for me to see them as much. I see them maybe once a month and talk to them occasionally on the phone. But there’s some distance there because of the drama with my ex.

The Breakdown:

The only thing left for him to do was to admit that he’s got some baby mama drama that keeps him from being the superdaddy he originally made himself out to be. The mother of his children may have good reason for cutting back on his time with his kids, or she could be a lunatic; in either case, you’d have some issues to deal with if you got into a relationship with this man-namely a potentially dramatic and volatile relationship with his ex, and some real inadequacies he may have as a father.

Getting to the bottom of that information allows you to make an informed decision about whether you want to start something with this guy. It’s not hard-women are inquisitive by nature. You and your girlfriends ask these same questions when you recount your dates for each other anyway. You and your girls get to the bottom of things quickly. Do the same with him. Put aside all the romantic notions and approach this thing with eyes wide open and a clear mind.

My wife, Marjorie, played this really well when we started dating again. Of course, she was already privy to my shenanigans; I’m a public figure so there was already a lot of bad stuff about me out there-all she had to do was a simple Google search and everything she ever wanted to know about me, the good, the bad, the ugly, and the lies, was right there at her fingertips. I came in the door with publicized relationships gone bad. My advantage was that Marjorie already knew the real me; we’d been friends for twenty years and dated a few times by the time we got back together, so she knew there was some good there. A lot of good. But to figure out if I was truly ready to share that good with her, Marjorie knew I was going to have to add up some things for her. First, she asked why my first two marriages didn’t work. I had a pat explanation at the ready:

“I was on the road touring and it kept me away from home a lot,” I said simply. “The separation just grew and kept us apart and I wasn’t there enough. I was working and trying to make it for us, but bringing home a check wasn’t enough.”

My veiled attempt to end this line of questioning by telling Marjorie I was committed and hardworking was no match for her; she kept the questions coming. “But what specifically made you decide those marriages weren’t for you? Is it that marriage isn’t for you?”

I brought my A-game on that one-told her what I thought she wanted to hear. “Well, I’m a romantic and I love the idea of being married. I want a committed relationship, I want a family, and that hasn’t changed just because the first two marriages didn’t work out. I have a lot, but I really want someone to share it with-a woman who can be loyal to me, who will support me while I’m out doing what I have to do to take care of our family, a woman who wants to share all the blessings in my life.” I gave her details about how it all went down-about how my first marriage ended after I went away to become a comedian, and some of the problems that grew from my second marriage too.

Now, I thought I’d made it through-that I’d said what it took to get Marjorie hooked on the idea of being with me. But she just wouldn’t let it go; she needed more from me-not because she was trying to give me a hard time, but because she really needed to make sure that her heart was protected. See, she’d already been through two marriages that didn’t work, and she was in a good place-raising her kids, working hard, and really secure in knowing what she needed out of her next relationship. She’d made very clear that she didn’t need to be in a relationship to be happy-that being alone was okay. But if she was going to get into another relationship, she needed to make sure that not only was she ready for it, but that any future mate was ready too. So a few days after our initial discussions, Marjorie pitched the third question: “I get that when you started telling jokes things weren’t the same, but why did you just go away? Help me understand this thing.”

I’d already told her what made me look best (I’m a hard worker), and in the second conversation, I told her what I thought she wanted to hear (I’m a romantic looking for a partner with which to share this journey). But in response to this third question? There wasn’t any more carpet and cushioning I could put on the floors, no curtains I could use to dress up the windows, no faux finishes I could throw up on the walls to make me look better. I’d run out of ways to decorate the truth, and it was clear to me that she wasn’t going to stop with the questions until she got the truth, so the truth was what I had to give her. And when I opened up to her, I revealed to Marjorie that the truth was that I was too young to get married the first time-that I should never have been anybody’s husband at twenty-four. I didn’t have it together in any way and really, the shortcomings in our relationship were mine-I was to blame, not my ex. All I could do in that first marriage was protect my wife and profess my love for her, but I simply wasn’t capable of providing for her in any meaningful way. Not only couldn’t I provide, I didn’t even have a plan for providing. I knew from age nine that I wanted to be on television, but I wasn’t doing anything useful to make that happen; I’d gone to college and gotten kicked out, and while I was working at the Ford Motor Company, I dreamed about being a star but had no real, tangible way of becoming one. “If my ex didn’t believe in my future, I couldn’t say I even saw it for myself,” I told Marjorie. “Still, I resented her and anyone else who didn’t support my vision. So really, I couldn’t stick around for that.”

I went on to tell her about how by the time I got married the second time, my career was in bloom and that I started enjoying the fruits of my labor in ways that were destructive to my relationship. Regardless of the reasons why I did that, when I was forced to really dig deep into what went awry, I always came to the same conclusion: my actions were wrong; I wasn’t conducting myself in a way that was conducive to a successful marriage.

By probing, Marjorie really got to the truth with me. Admitting that I was resentful, didn’t have a plan, and walked out on my first wife because I didn’t have my act together didn’t make me look like a good guy, by any stretch. Admitting to cheating on my second definitely wasn’t going to make my case any easier. But it was the truth, and that truth gave Marjorie the chance to really come to terms with what she was signing up for, and, honestly, made me dig deeper into how my own personal shortcomings needed to be checked if I was going to make a marriage with Marjorie work.

After that conversation, Marjorie looked at me more closely and watched my actions and acknowledged that I was different now-that I was doing what it took to make our relationship work. When I was on the road, I would send for her every chance I could, she knew she could call the apartment anytime and I’d answer the phone, and if she was with me, I wasn’t sleeping with my cell phone duct taped to my thigh so that she couldn’t keep an eye on who was calling and texting me. She saw a man who was shedding the baggage and ready for real love, and she liked what she saw. And it wasn’t long before she was saying, “I want you. You’re the man for me.”

But she had to come to that on her own, after gathering her information, evaluating it, and coming to some conclusions about what she would and would not tolerate. She didn’t go about it in any nasty, mean way; she simply asked the right questions and kept digging until she got to the treasure-the truth.

Know that you can do this, too, and that you’re going to have to be just as smooth and persistent about it. You can’t grill this guy like you’re Bill Duke in that scene from Menace II Society, where the main character is sitting under the bright light in the interrogation room, sweating and stuttering while Bill stares at him with those piercing eyes and announces, “You know you effed up, don’t you?” every time his suspect opened his mouth. No guy is going to willingly stick around for the lie detector test and the military-styled interrogation tactics.

What we will do, though, is answer truthfully over a period of time. Asking those questions during the ninety-day period I told you about in Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man will give you plenty of time to learn the truth. If you really want to get to the bottom of it all, tell a guy, “I’m just looking for honesty-it really turns me on when a man tells the truth,” and he’s going to pull out all the stops because the mere promise of an eventual romp in the hay with you is like truth serum to a man: “Did you say the truth turns you on? Oh! Okay! So I was with these midgets, right? And we pulled out these monkeys…”

Well, maybe he won’t tell you all about the midgets and the monkeys. But he will be more willing to give you the truth if you’re willing to put in the work it takes to get to it.

7

Don’t Let Your “Off” Day Be Her “On” Day

Nothing moves men more than your graceful curves, the softness of your skin, the shape of your eyes, and the pout of your lips-the way your calves look in a sexy heel, and the way you sway and glide across a room, everything on your body moving in a perfect, deliciously beautiful symphony. These things drive us crazy. It is, absolutely, the first thing we will notice about you-every single time.

We don’t care about where you work.

We don’t give a damn about how much money you make.

We don’t care if you can actually string a whole sentence together, really-at least not when we’re deciding if we’re going to get your attention. (When it comes to picking a partner to have children with, we tend to get a bit pickier.)

All a man is concerned about when he first sees a woman is how she looks, how she’s dressed, and what she’ll look like on our arm when we’re strolling along. To us, these considerations say the following things about you:

YOU CARE ABOUT YOURSELF

Say your skin is a wreck, your fingernails are raggedy, your feet look like you’ve been running marathons barefoot, your hairdresser doesn’t even know your name anymore, much less style your hair, and your closet looks like it came straight from wardrobe on the set of an ’80s sitcom. What does that say about you? Nothing nice, I’ll tell you that much. To a man-hell, to anyone looking-it practically screams, “My face, my body, and my clothes are nothing special-completely unworthy of anyone’s time and attention, even my own.” However, a woman who clearly looks like she takes the time to care for her self-gets facials and manicures (or, if she can’t afford to go to the spa, creates her own spa at home), applies makeup in a way that is natural and appealing, wears a hairstyle that is flattering and clothes and shoes that are stylish-makes a statement, “I really like me, and you should know by looking at me that I do.” Men appreciate women who value themselves, because it generally means that those women are happy with who they are and place a premium on their self-worth. We don’t mind telling you you’re beautiful, for sure. But if we’re going to be in a relationship with you, we don’t want to have to be responsible for you liking you. That’s way too much work for any one man to assume, and rather than imagine ourselves doing all that heavy lifting, we’ll just move on to the woman who looks like she can handle caring for and about herself on her own.

YOU CARE ABOUT HOW YOU LOOK IN A MAN’S EYES

Say you are the woman at the club in the dress that’s a little too tight, the top that’s a little too low-cut, the makeup that’s a little too loud, the hair that’s a little too big and obviously fake, and the platform shoes that are a little too high. Oh, you might draw some serious attention dressed that way. But I can guarantee you that the men who will approach you have made some simple calculations in their heads: two Long Island ice teas + three dances + a couple of half-planned, zero-effort dates = a hasty romp in the hay, without any commitment from me. That woman will have men throwing her into the “sports fish/throwback” category so quickly her bedazzled hair weave will spin. Remember what I said in Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man about the “sports fish”? She’s the one who sends off the signal that she has absolutely no rules, requirements, or respect for herself and that we men can treat her any old way, with absolutely no effort to make our connection permanent or long-lasting. In fact, the only thing we’ll see in that woman is a hint of desperation, extreme tackiness, and a flashing neon sign on her head that’ll blink, “One Night Only!”-as in, once that night of fun is over, we don’t have to be bothered with her ever again. The woman who dresses sloppy sends signals too: men will assume that (a) you are incapable of fixing yourself up, that you don’t know how to make yourself look hot and, quite possibly, could have some hygiene issues; (b) you don’t care how you look and you could potentially embarrass him if he’s going to introduce you to his boys or his family; and (c) you keep a nasty house. None of these things are a turn-on. None of them.

The kind of woman we will notice and approach is a woman whose dress style is sexy/neat-which is more subtle than sexy/provocative and more engaging than just plain. A woman who looks put together and sexy-who showcases her assets without oversharing and who uses her clothes, hairstyle, and makeup to good effect-is the one who says to men, “I am beautiful, I am to be respected, and you can take me around your mother and your frat brothers without feeling uncomfortable or embarrassed.”

YOU’LL MAKE US LOOK GOOD

This is critically important to a man. It is one of the first things that will come into our minds when we see you-how will I describe her to my boys? How will she look on my arm at the business dinner? Or at a Yankees game? If I took her home to meet my family, how will they perceive her? In the first moments that he sees you, a man is sizing you up for the long haul-how you’ll dress when he takes you to the park, when you go to a house of worship together, when you’re out at the club or having dinner with his friends, when he takes you around his coworkers, including those who make decisions about his paychecks and promotions. We look at and evaluate everything, initially based on how you look. Without even being conscious of it per se, we are giving you the head-to-toe once-over-taking in everything from how you’ve fixed your hair, what your nails look like, how your clothes fit to what your calves look like in those heels and what your body would look like in its natural state. If you look good, we instantly start to think of you as someone with whom we might have a future, someone who’ll be part of the equation going forward. We’ve assessed that you could be the perfect fit to help us satisfy the three things most important to a man: who we are, what we do, and how much we make. This matters because appearance is everything to men; perception is reality. This is natural. It’s not taught or learned-it’s innate. Every animal has something they use to make themselves look more attractive-to look like the fiercest, most beautiful of the pack: peacocks have amazingly colorful feathers; lions have bushy, fiery manes; and elephants have long, strong tusks. We men have money and stature-a nice watch, a fancy car, an enviable job with a title. And we have our lady.

A pretty, put-together woman helps us exemplify the three things that drive us and certainly helps validate our worthiness to the rest of the world. If you’re on a man’s arm, looking absolutely stunning, well put together, and poised, then everyone is going to be looking at you and him and wondering, “Well damn, what does he do for a living? He must be all that.” In the world of men, that’s an absolutely necessary ego trip, one we cannot live without. Most women I know like retail therapy when they’re feeling kind of blue. We men need ego therapy. And a stroll with a woman we perceive as beautiful can be as powerful a feeling as hitting the game-winning home run.

A woman who cares about herself and how she presents herself to the world, and looks like she’d elevate our game, is the woman who will get our attention; she’s the one who will make a man down a shot, pat his boys on the back, and then take what feels like a twenty-mile walk through a crowded club to ask you for a dance, or work his way over to the vegetable section in the grocery store to strike up a conversation about the difference between Roma and vine-ripened tomatoes just so that he can talk to you.

Before you get too bent out of shape about what I’m saying here, keep in mind that this philosophy was taught to me by my mother, who dressed whenever she left the house-and she did this even though she was married already. It was she who taught my sisters to fix their hair and put on something nice and apply a little makeup on their faces before they left the house no matter what-even if they were going to the store for a pack of gum, it was important for them to step into that store looking “dignified.” “Conduct yourself with some dignity so that at least if you see a man, he can say to himself, ‘Wow, that’s one dignified lady.’ At least he’ll know up front he’s dealing with a person who cares about herself.” The way you dress is an extension of you. If you’re seriously open to a relationship, why miss the opportunity of meeting someone because you didn’t pull it together before you left the house? I’m telling you, a single woman who is serious about finding a man can’t afford days where she totally lets it all go. In the event that Mr. Right is somewhere in the vicinity, you have to be prepared to look the part of Mrs. Right. And if you’re not looking the part, a man will not imagine you in the part either.

Instead, he might just turn his attention to the woman who did bother to go to the grocery store with it a little bit more pulled together. Your “off” day may totally be her “on” day-and in that split second when a man sees the two of you and is deciding which woman he’s going to approach, I promise you that the one who’s on her game will get noticed first.

Every. Single. Time.

So why not put into practice one of my favorite slogans-one I live by: It is better to be prepared for an opportunity and not have one than to have an opportunity and not be prepared. This is no different from the way you present yourself, say, at work. An employer will base decisions about how much you make, where you sit, what your title will be, and whether or not you get to represent the company in public based not just on your work ethic and how much you contribute to the bottom line, but also on how you look. You know this is true. He’s not picking the employee in the frumpy suit with the greasy, unkempt hair and the chronic halitosis to sit in the board meetings or give the big speech at the shareholders’ meeting; he’s going for the employee who spends at least some of his earnings on a few quality suits, a prime haircut, a consistent manicure, and a generally strong appearance to be the face of the company-to be the one who best represents the image the company wants to put forward. That boss doesn’t want anyone looking at his representative and drawing a bunch of bad conclusions, all based on one person’s appearance.

I was explaining this point to my employees just the other day when I noticed a few of them dragging into work looking a little less than professional. I explained to them that even if they had a bad night or early morning, I shouldn’t be able to tell it by the way they fixed their hair or the outfit they chose. I am not supposed to know they are going through a rough patch based on how they present at the office. I get that things may not be perfect at home-I understand that things happen and maybe you weren’t feeling the business suit and heels and felt more in a jeans-and-sandals state of mind, but that kind of attire has no business in a professional setting. We have an image to uphold. I don’t care how tired I am, I’m going to dress and make sure I look good. I’m not coming out of my house in a jogging suit, without shaving. I cannot afford to be disheveled, ever.

Because someone is always watching.

The same goes for women who are open to a relationship: you cannot afford to go to the party in a jogging suit, looking unkempt, if you’re serious about finding a man. I’m not saying you have to hit the grocery store in a gown and chandelier earrings; I’m not saying that at all. But when you step out, step it up. Presentable does not mean perfection, but you can at least look pulled together. It’s just natural that doing this will catch a man’s eye-make him decide whether he’s going to throw his bait your way.

Mind you, the need for you to look good extends beyond the initial meeting and first few dates. If a man is still in the process of trying to determine whether he wants to commit to you, you can’t just go au natural early in the relationship. You have to take it slow for a guy-leave the rollers, housecoats, and bare faces for when he’s really into you, or else you run the risk of giving him an easy excuse to make a hasty getaway. If you want to extend the shelf life of the relationship, keep it pulled together long enough to figure out if the two of you have a chance together (and if you’re following my direction, you’ll be using at least ninety days to figure that out, right? Right!).

I have a friend who was dating this woman who appeared to be the absolute total package when he met her-when it came to looking good and the way she carried herself, she had few rivals. This was confirmed for my boy on at least three dates with this woman. After the third date, she invited him over to the house for a more intimate one-on-one date-just the two of them.

Well, when he went over to her house, she opened the door in house shoes, she had holes in her socks and a beat-up pair of sweatpants on, her hair was pulled back, and she didn’t have on any makeup. She was in the house cooking and as she did so she said, “I figured we’re just chillin’ today and we should be relaxed.”

“It just killed my whole image of her,” he said. “I wasn’t ready for that.”

And who could blame him? Let a man fall in love before you show him the “real you,” because like it or not, he’s not about to find the sweatpants and the holey socks, or the woman who would reveal all that so early in the relationship, attractive. Sometimes, I think you’ve convinced yourselves that if we are really into you, we’ll accept you as you are from day one. “I’m going to show him the real me!” Well, he doesn’t need to see all of that. You don’t need to let out all the secrets-you don’t need to tell him you were in the salon turning that chestnut brown hair blond and that those aren’t your real eyelashes and the Spanx were the key component to that slick dress you were wearing when you first caught his eye. Let him develop deep(er) feelings for you before you start exposing the tricks of the trade.

My wife, Marjorie, whom I reconnected with and married twenty years after we met and briefly dated, effectively put this into play when we first started dating again, and I respected her for it. For the first five or six months of us being together, she always pulled it together-even when we were together in private. If she took a nap, she would wake up and head into the bathroom to freshen up before joining me. This sent a strong signal my way because any woman with a guy in my position is going to be in the spotlight, too, and by doing little things to always be on point when it was just the two of us, she demonstrated to me that she could handle this role were our relationship to deepen. The same holds true for every guy-not just a celebrity whose mate’s picture will be in magazines. Every guy earning a paycheck does this because at the end of the day he needs to have a lady on his arm who will make him feel as if he’s doing well (or at least better than he really is).

Of course, Marjorie is a lot more relaxed now that we’re married, but in our house, even several years into our marriage, she’ll only go so far with the au natural look. She’ll pull her hair into a ponytail, but her skin will be glowing and her manicure and pedicure will be fresh. And she never goes out of the house-even for the simplest errands-without looking stylish.

I get that not every woman is going to want to get dolled up from head to toe every time she looks at the front door, but can you afford not to? Because let’s not forget there is competition out there. And she will work it; everything from her hair and outfits to the shape of her body to her pedicure will be together. And when a man sees that, he’s going to be attracted to her.

Now, we’re not so simple that we’re going to let go of something meaningful just because somebody else comes along and looks good. But if a man is still in the decision-making stage-he hasn’t professed his love for you, hasn’t done any real providing on your behalf, and isn’t willing to protect you at all costs-don’t give him a reason to walk away. This is something you can control; if he chooses to walk over and speak to you and ask you out and then ask you out again and again, then obviously, you’re doing something right. Don’t get too comfortable too soon and give the competition a leg up on your potential mate.

Even when you’re in a relationship, you want to be careful; there are just some things you have to do to keep up the attraction you and your man have for each other. For sure, this goes both ways: no man should think it’s okay to get too lax in the keeping-it-together department, and at the same time, expect his mate to be pulled together 24/7. I still dress up for my wife, and we’re well into our marriage. Even on my casual days when I’m enjoying some downtime during the day, I put on a nice shirt and some slacks, shave, and freshen up before I come down for dinner. I do this because I don’t want her to always see me onstage looking dressed up and jazzy, and at home overly casual and beat down. This is a good attitude for all men to have, but it’s especially critical for men’s wives and significant others. I told you in Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man that the number one reason men cheat is because there are so many women willing to cheat with them. I say to you now that what you cannot do in your house is keep providing reasons for your man to keep looking somewhere else for aesthetic stimulation. I’m sorry but we men have to have it. It’s what we like and we want it consistently. It simply isn’t cool for you to get too comfortable, to show up at dinner in a head scarf, house shoes that date back to college, and sweatpants. We don’t want to inhale the heady brew that’s part cold cream, part nail polish remover when we snuggle. What we saw this morning when you left the house was a nice dress, pumps you convinced us were essential, though they cost as much as a weekend getaway, a natural but shiny lipstick, and a cute hairdo. We smelled the perfume in the air. We saw the smile on your face and the pep in your step when you hauled all that pretty into the office. We watched all of that walk out the door, but then got none of it when you got home. This might not be a problem for you if we weren’t sitting in the office all week long, looking at all of our female coworkers dolled up and glamorous, looking and smelling good, only to come home to plain Jane. There could easily be a situation for you and your man if you let the other woman keep having her “on” days while you fill his days with nothing but “off.”

Don’t shoot the messenger just because you don’t like the message but I have to ask: How long do you think that’s going to fly with a man? You can get mad with me all you want to, but the idea that after a certain point, a man should just love you for who you are without some razzle-dazzle is not feasible in the real world. We know you give it your all at work and then come home and give your all to the kids and keeping the house together-we get that. But you’ve got to recognize what coming home to a woman who cares about her appearance does for a man-especially when we know you’re doing it for us. Go home every once in a while and tell him, “You know, honey, I thought it would be nice for the two of us to come to the dinner table dressed up tonight-just for us.”

Do that and suddenly the women dolled up at work aren’t so special, because he’s got dazzling at home. We know when you put on that sexy pair of underwear and that fitted T-shirt or that special piece of lingerie and you wait until the lights are out to tie down your hair that you’re doing it for us, and we get a kick out of that. Do this, and you’ll go a long way in keeping your man’s eyes where they belong-even after you’ve fallen in love and, over time, your body has gone through physical changes. When we truly love you, we don’t care that you’re not the same shape that you used to be; you’re still beautiful to us. While aesthetics is the number one reason why we approach you, it’s not the number one reason we fall in and stay in love with you. We get the changes. We simply don’t want you to let yourself go. We want to see that even with the changes, you’re making the effort to look good-to turn us on in the same ways that you did when we met you.

For Ladies Only…

Lord knows we’re not going to stay the same guy you met; we’ll have the potbelly or the bald spot, and body parts won’t function like they used to, and even with that, you’ll still love us. But that’s no excuse for us to let ourselves go-to force you to feel like you have to continue Level 10 sexual attraction to us when we know good and well we look like we’re barely on the deserving end of Level 5. Perhaps what we can both do is help each other get the sexy back-encourage each other to be better about living healthier lives, acknowledge and accept the changes our bodies go through as we get older, and help each other accentuate the goodness that’s still there. You can find a hairstyle that fits a face that might be a bit bigger; he can find clothes that suit his changing body. The two of you could get into a great couple’s exercise routine-take a salsa class together, or go for a brisk couple’s walk after dinner-that will help you lose weight and connect with each other. Just making that effort together will go a long way in putting some pretty new bows on both of your packaging.