Straight Talk, No Chaser: How to Find, Keep, and Understand a Man

8

More on Why Men Need It, Why You Should Keep It

I mean, we just need it, man.

Like the earth needs the sun, like sharks need water, like Parliament needs George Clinton, Bootsy Collins, and Funkadelic, like Benny needs the Jets.

Men absolutely cannot-I repeat, CANNOT-live without sex, or what I often refer to as the cookie.

If he’s breathing and free and clear of medical issues that would preclude him from getting some, then a man is going to have sexual intercourse. Period.

There is nothing on this planet that makes him feel better than sex. Not a hole in one on the golf course. Not a game-winning three-point basket at the buzzer. Not even the best drug. Hands down, it is the most gratifying, tension-releasing, confidence-building, conquering feeling any one human male could ever experience-the mere release is like a pressure valve being turned and all of that steam and buildup and energy rushes through, making the machine right again.

And in order for our machines-our bodies, our souls, and our minds-to be right, we’re going to have sex by any means necessary. We enjoy the act that much.

What women have to understand, however, is that it is just an act. As clichéd as it may sound, men have nary a second’s thought about separating the act of having sex from making and being in love. Of course, the more skilled our lover is, the more enjoyable it is-and if she’s as beautiful as the ideal woman we’ve conjured up in our mind when we’re fantasizing, it’s all the more enjoyable, especially if she knows what she’s doing. But really, we have no problem having sex, and hitting the road the second it’s over. If we’re not in love with our partner, we don’t want to cuddle. We don’t want to touch. We don’t want to talk and share and emote and plan and dream with you. And if we do submit to the postcoital cuddle and conversation, it’s most likely insincere-just a way for us to keep alive the possibility that if we need another sexual release in the future, you’ll be available to us.

Cold but fact. Straight, no chaser.

Which is why we men never understood this whole concept women have about using sex to deepen a man’s feelings for them. If you think because you have a special way of handing out the cookie that there will be a difference in how we respond to you emotionally, you’re sadly, pitifully mistaken.

He just took the cookie because you passed it out. I’m serious. No matter how sweet and seductive you were, no matter how much you’d worked out in your mind that sleeping with that man was going to connect the two of you in ways that going out to dinner and a movie followed by a long deep discussion on a walk through the park never would, he was likely saying in his mind, “Well, I’m here, 9:30 on a Tuesday night. If we are efficient enough, I’ll still be able to catch the sports highlights on ESPN. ‘Let’s get on in here, girl!’ ” Often, the physical connection doesn’t lead to much more than that.

This is why I insisted in Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man that women adopt the Ninety-Day Rule-a probationary period of sorts where you forgo having sex with the new guy until you figure out whether he is really into you or is just trying to hit it and quit it. I tell you, this was the chapter that women across the land gave me the hardest time about; all too many refused to even hear me out on this one. I had women calling into my radio show saying, “I don’t know, Steve-ninety days just seems so arbitrary!” At my book signings and lectures from Brooklyn to Los Angeles, from Detroit to Topeka, and everywhere in between, women kept protesting that ninety days seemed “too long” and insisted that it’s okay to do “what feels right” and “hope” that they wouldn’t get hurt in the process. My personal favorite was a proclamation by one woman that she wasn’t going to be bothered with the Ninety-Day Rule because she tried it with a guy and “he ended up dumping me because I wouldn’t put out.” As if that guy would have stuck around if she would have just given him some cookie up front.

I said it before and I’ll say it again: the man who refuses to give you time to investigate whether he’s worthy of intimacy with you is not your man. He’s taking off because he doesn’t have what it takes to meet your standards and requirements, isn’t demonstrating that he’s interested in what it would take to make you happy in a relationship. He’s not looking to get emotionally invested in you; he’s not even considering it as an option. So why would you want this guy to stick around?

Treat sex as if it’s something special and let the man you’re interested in know that it’s special, and guess what? He’ll either leave-which is what you want this guy to do if you’re in the market for a serious relationship-or he’ll see something special in you and do what it takes to meet your standards and requirements. When you require something of a man, he will have no problem giving it to you if he truly wants to invest in a relationship with you. Your prize is only special if you make us treat it as if it’s special-if we are forced to say to ourselves, “Oh, wait-I can’t just run up in here and get the cookie like I can everywhere else because this is more than just a hit-it-and-quit-it kind of girl.” Men don’t mind having to prove themselves, and you are worthy of the effort and the attention.

If, however, you’re treating sex as if it’s just a box of Chiclets, we’ll run through the relationship with you as if it’s a box of Chiclets. You know you don’t chew Chiclets too long. You pop one in your mouth and you chew it for a little while and then you spit it out and get you another piece until the box is empty-until there’s nothing left. You don’t want to be the used-up, empty Chiclets box.

You want to be the one he feels emotionally connected to, because when a man loves you and he’s committed solely to you, sex means something wholly different; now it becomes the pot of gold at the end of that rainbow. That ideal woman we’ve had in our mind since we became sexually active is now an actual person-our ideal woman personified-and when we have sex with that woman, our physical, emotional, and mental desires synchronize and work together to give a pleasure trip that is exponentially better than any other sexual experience we could ever conjure up in our mind, let alone ever have had. When we’re making love to a woman we love, we don’t ever want it to be over; we want to keep touching her and smelling her and drinking her in because every inch of her arouses us in ways that no other person can-drives us crazy, damn near. Sex with that woman rejuvenates us-gives us the strength to carry on, the comfort we need to continue, the feel-good we have to have to make it through the hard times. And we actually care deeply that our lady feels the same way about us and will aim to do whatever it takes to bring her that immense pleasure, because we love her and want her to feel what we feel. We want her to be happy.

Now men-and only men-can determine whether they love you and that your pot of gold is special to them. You can’t decide it for a man-you can’t say, “I’m going to get my sexy on so much so that he’ll be too strung out to leave,” and expect that it’ll work. Trust me when I tell you, no man on this planet will make that determination without first being shown how you want to be loved, how you expect to be treated, and whether or not it’s worth pursuing you beyond a casual romantic fling.

Ask any man living if I’m telling the truth and he’ll tell you the same.

COMMITTED SEX VERSUS FLINGS

Of course, even if a man is in a committed relationship with a woman he loves, sex is going to wane. That’s just human nature. You’re going to get comfortable with each other. I’ve yet to meet a parent of a toddler who doesn’t find the king-size bed that was so immense during the honeymoon feels cramped when Junior starts walking in during the middle of the night (how romantic can that be?). Bill time is going to come around too often and with it the kind of stress that can play a number on your sexual energy. And somewhere along the line, there will be days when you’re just going to be tired of looking at each other, even though you know good and well you can’t live without each other. But even with all those changes, the one thing that I guarantee will remain constant is your man’s desire for sex. Again, unless there is something physically precluding him from achieving intimacy, a man is going to want to have sex regularly, especially if he’s committed to you.

Now I’m not saying he has to have it every night. That’s for the young boys who don’t have anything else to do but prowl for the next conquest. And I’m not suggesting either that a guy won’t make allowances for natural occurrences that throw you off from giving us good loving, like illnesses and pregnancy and the like. Men are not heartless-we’re not the dogs you make us out to be. But the release we get from sex is essential to our existence. As I’ve written elsewhere, it recharges our batteries, feeds our ego, releases a bit of the pressure cooker tension we feel. So if we’re not getting the attention we need in the bedroom on a fairly regular basis, there’s going to be problems. I’m not saying he’s going to cheat. I’m certainly not suggesting that he has the right to cheat. But the temptation will certainly be there, and trust me when I tell you, it will cross his mind.

Of course, not every man is going to act on this. But those who do stray from a committed relationship to have a one-night stand are telling the truth when they say “she didn’t mean anything.” In most cases, she probably doesn’t. What does matter to a man who chooses to have a fling outside of his committed relationship is that someone out there is willing to engage him in the thrill of the “chase and capture” men crave, and someone will give him sex with no strings attached. He’s having sex with someone he doesn’t have to argue with, someone with whom he has no responsibilities-they’re not divvying up bills and raising kids and plotting out social calendars and building a life together-and someone who represents a nice little escape from all of the stress he’s dealing with day in and day out. She dresses up for the occasion, makes the sex downright erotic, and fulfills whatever fantasy a man has worked out in his mind-the fantasy he can’t get at home.

Once he’s done with her, he’ll be on his merry way-satisfied that he’s recharged and can go on back to his real life with the woman he loves. Sex with that other woman is just that-sex. The other woman may not recognize or want to acknowledge this, but in most cases, it’s the truth; and deep down, she knows it too.

Is a man wrong for doing this, knowing that even though sex with another woman means nothing to him, it’s everything to you? Absolutely! Though every man who steps out on his committed relationship may have a pocketful of excuses for cheating, he knows really, there is no logical, acceptable, spiritual, or reasonable explanation for his actions, and that getting caught could mean the end of something beautiful. Every man eventually comes to a point in his life where he realizes nothing is worth losing his family-that the beauty of loving a woman, building a life with her and their children, being responsible for their care and well-being, and working with her to realize their dreams is more important than any orgasm he can have with another woman. A moment of pleasure for your life-that’s a pretty high price to pay. The sad part is that there are a lot of cheaters who need to make the mistake, get caught, and pay that price before they realize the worth of what they could end up losing.

And that’s the real shame of it all.

I’m not saying that in order to get your man to keep it at home, you have to drop and give him twenty whenever he taps you on the shoulder. A woman has every right to expect her man to be faithful-to expect that he won’t end up in someone else’s bed just because things aren’t perfect at home. It is not your job to coddle and coax a man into being faithful; you can’t change him if that’s who he is. But like I said in Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, you can bring out the best in him. The two of you need to sit down and figure out together how you’re going to make this thing right-how the two of you are going to work out how to get back to happy-and satisfaction-again.

I fully admit that when a man gets comfortable, he can forget what it took for him to have the honor of being your lover. He can slack off on living up to your standards and requirements-forget to buy you flowers just because, or neglect to compliment you on how beautiful and sexy you are, or think it’s okay to lean on the quickie instead of putting in the work it takes to get you excited about sex. Men certainly don’t teach one another that in order for a woman to be everything a man needs, he has to fulfill a substantial amount of her needs. He doesn’t necessarily realize or remember that she likes to talk about her dreams and ambitions, or that she really liked it when they went out for dinner. He doesn’t know she’s sitting in her cubicle, listening to her girlfriend cooing into the phone, “I love you, too, baby,” when Valentine’s Day comes up and that while her girlfriend is getting a lot of things from her man, his girlfriend or spouse is upset that she’s gotten a whole lot of nothing from hers. He doesn’t know that everybody in the office is starting to question if she’s even got a man, because he’s never come in to take his lady to lunch or sent her a text message that made her giggle out loud or done something for her that’s made her brag about him to her coworkers. Indeed, we men sometimes create the distance without even knowing it because we’re so busy going about the business of manhood. How do you remind him? Talk. Most times it’s that simple.

We men really are simple creatures and are almost robotic in our habits. As I explain in Chapter 12, “The Art of the Deal,” if you tell us what you want, we’ll do it, especially if it means we’re going to benefit from it. If you tell a man he would get more sex from you, the woman he adores, if he made room for a once-a-week date night without the kids, or sent flowers just because, or chipped in more with the evening routine so you have more time to relax and get ready for him, guess what your man is going to do for you?

Similarly, if you’re reluctant to have sex with your man because, well, he’s not giving you something you can feel, then you’re going to have to speak up. I promise you, he won’t know you’re not satisfied if you don’t say it. Of course, each man is different, but we’re all the same in one regard: we have tremendous egos when it comes to sex. No matter how good or bad we are, we all think we’re bringing it-think we are doing the most to make you climb the walls. We think we’re doing more than an adequate job because the work we’re putting in, we’ve got nothing to compare it to. (No, porn doesn’t count because we are not watching the guy-we’re focusing on the woman and her reactions to what’s being done.) You all have had lovers in your life and you can talk to your girlfriends about them and give them details-“girl, he kissed me this way and he rubbed me that way and ooh, he just wore me out!” But we men? We don’t share that with each other. Ever. We can’t turn to our fathers and ask them for advice because anything they tell us is going to automatically make us summon up images of them with our mothers and that’s not an image a man wants to conjure up. Ever. And we don’t talk to our boys about it at any great length because admitting we’re low on techniques makes us weak in our boys’ eyes and plus, none of us want our boys getting even a remote picture in their mind of our private parts or what it must be like to have sex with our women. So we’re not learning from other men, either. Ever.

We learn from trial and error how to please a woman. We keep a mental Rolodex of what worked with each partner we’ve been with-“When I was doing that right there, it brought on a tremor… let me mark that one down,” and “When I touched her there, she got excited… let me mark that one down.” Once we’ve taken notes on the little spots, areas, and tremors that got our partners sexually aroused, we call ourselves experienced.

Nobody else we’ve been with told us we suck, and you’re not saying anything, and we’re always reaching our moment (whether you really reach your moment or not), so hey, we’re killing! Every muscle on us is tight, we’re shaking, the hair on the back of our necks is standing on end-we’re good. Outstanding! So unless you tell a man you want something different, you’re going to keep getting a whole lot of what you’ve already gotten.

Still, you have to be careful of how you ask for what you want. Like I said, men have tremendous egos when it comes to sex, and if you start with an attitude, “You know what? When you’re with me, you’re not doing the things I like,” feelings are going to get hurt-not necessarily just his. And whatever you do, don’t make a big production out of it. I told you in Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man that the four words that scare the crap out of men and put them on the defensive are “We have to talk.” So approach the conversation strategically-delicately. Be smart about it. The best time to bring it up is while we’re in the actual act because when we’re having sex, we’re receptive to anything. If you say, “Baby, dive off the armoire!” he’ll take his behind right on up there. If you say, “Oh, I love it when you do that right there,” and “Ooh, turn me over now and go to the left, yeah!” he’s going to do exactly as he’s told.

You also have some other amazing tools to help you get the best out of your man; there’s text messaging-“Honey, if you help me out with the kids tonight, at around 9:30 when they’re in bed, we’re going to be in bed and…” Put a sticky next to his shaving kit: “Remember when you did that thing to me? Ooh, I was just thinking about it and got shivers! Can you do that to me again?” You could always call his cell phone and leave a message: “I love it when you talk dirty to me-when I get home, I want you to whisper some dirty things in my ear and touch me there when you do it.”

Over the course of two weeks, you can tell him everything you want him to know about what you like and get it. Because he’s getting what he wants-great sex with the woman he loves-and he’s pleasing her, making her happy. Which is all a man who is truly committed and in love with you wants to do.

We want to please the woman to whom we’re committed and emotionally connected. We really do. Because if the two of us are pleased-sexually, emotionally, mentally-well, there’s no way we’re going to step out on that. The chances of that happening go down to damn near zero, because what a man knows through experience is that all of those “hope diamonds” are really just quarters compared with the pot of gold he’s got at home. He won’t jeopardize that by doing something he knows won’t mean anything to him, but everything to you.

And that brings me back to why it’s so important for women to make sure that they exercise the Ninety-Day Rule-to really scope out a man and figure out if he’s worthy of the cookie before you give it to him. If you’re truly looking for a committed relationship, this guy has to demonstrate that he’s worthy of and ready for one. Giving him sex is not going to make him stay around-not for the right reasons, anyway.

And here’s the incredible thing about women I don’t quite understand: you know when a man is not feeling you yet you still give your all, you continue to try to make it work. Why play that game? Why not just weed out, up front, all the men you know are going to do nothing but cause you heartache and disappointment, and wait for the one who is going to do right by you? Please understand, he’s out there. There isn’t a man living who can do without a good woman. Most men are going to get married. One of them will marry you. A real man won’t be able to fulfill his destiny as a man without you. How else is he going to have kids? How will he continue his lineage? He wants that legacy; if a man can’t do anything else, he wants his name to live on. Even if his father wasn’t around, deep down he knows he can be the one to fix that-to break the cycle and start the tradition and be thought of as someone special to somebody. That’s why our parents were so giving and hardworking-so that we could have a better life than they had. I’m sure my mother and father are somewhere looking at me and saying, “That’s our son. We done good.”

I remember when they were living and we were sitting around the Thanksgiving table and I saw my father lean over and tap my mother on the shoulder and say, “Did you ever think one of our children would be on TV?”

“Not in a million years,” my mother said. “Ain’t God good?”

And my father said, “I guess He is.”

That’s all a man wants-to have someone be proud of him and to be proud of somebody. It’s critically important to a man. And women help bring that about. We can’t have babies without you, we can’t build families without you, we don’t get to be the man of the house without you, we don’t enjoy dreaming without you.

We cannot exist without you.

Granted, we are not taught this. No man sits his son down and says, “Son, you can’t truly live without a woman.” But a good man will profess to anyone listening that he can’t live without his woman. For sure, when my mother died, my father told me one day, “Boy, I figure I’ll just go on and get out of here now, because life without your mother-ain’t nothing here anymore. I always knew that life wasn’t nothing without her.”

Seeing how depressed he was, I’d tell him things to try to cheer him up even though he’d lost the love of his life-the woman he stayed married to for sixty-two years. I’d say, “Wynton just got here-he needs a grandfather,” and I’d take him up to see my son. He’d say, “I guess I can hang around for old shotgun a little while longer.” But as soon as he’d have a moment of quiet-some time to reflect-he’d go there again: “I wonder if the Lord will let me see her just one more time. I’m ready to see your mama, even if it’s just for one more time.”

Three years after my mother died, my father passed on. He didn’t die from any specific illness-cancer, a stroke, or a heart attack. He just coolly went to sleep one night, tired. His heart was broken, because he couldn’t go on without the woman who completed him.

The principles I’ve laid out here are the same ones I share with my daughters and my sons. My sons are not being encouraged to go out and “conquer” the opposite sex; instead, I’m talking to them about respecting the young women they date the same way they would expect another man to respect their sisters. I also talk to them about the effects sex can have on their lives and the lives of the girls they may decide to be with sexually-to understand that being thoughtless and careless about intercourse can have devastating consequences for everyone involved. Emotional, mental, and physical consequences. And, if she ends up pregnant, there will be lifelong consequences on their ability to live their best lives.

My girls are taught that they need to be very clear about what their standards and requirements are and hold the men they date to them. I tell them constantly, too, that they’ve got to be willing to lose in order to win-to be willing to walk away from the bad situation to get to the good one. I add that this is a very simple matter of mathematics: plug in the facts and see if this guy is living up to what you expect. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be treated like a queen. You deserve to be talked to with respect. You deserve to be taken around and presented with respect. You deserve to know what it feels like to feel special. “Don’t let anybody come along and treat you any other way,” I tell my daughters, “because you can always come over here and get special treatment from your father until you can find the man who can treat you the way I do.” And I seal that with the declaration that they absolutely will not find out any of that about a man if they sleep with him too soon. I’ve said elsewhere I’m not a relationship expert-that I’m an expert on how men think and I know this much to be true. When I and the men I know have been confronted by a woman who respected herself and held her future in such high regard that she made it clear that she deserved only the best and would settle for nothing less, we’ve had no choice but to take stock and treat her with due regard. She might not have been the one for us, in which case we moved on. But what we didn’t do after she made her demands clear is try to run our games on her, just kick it until Ms. Right did come along. How could we? She wouldn’t let us. Which means that ultimately, she had the power. And you do too.

For Ladies Only…

Five Steps to Turning Up the Heat with Your Man

1. Invite him somewhere tranquil to have a one-on-one talk-preferably where there is water. I find that I have the best conversations with my wife at the beach, where, if you look out as far as you can see, there is nothing but sand, which is the earth; ocean, which is water; and sky, which is the heavens. When those three things are present, you’re dealing only with God’s creations-and that’s got to be peaceful. Nobody is fighting at the beach or, say, at a tranquil place like Niagara Falls. Not near the beach? Go to a water fountain in a public park, or do something as quick and simple as inviting your man to a candlelit bath. All of these things will put him at ease, rather than announcing, “We need to talk!” or worse, trying to have a conversation about what you need sexually from him in the heat of a battle.

2. Pay a compliment before you offer up criticism. If you start by telling him what’s wrong, he’ll get too disappointed, angry, or embarrassed to hear you when you tell him what he’s doing right. So choose your words carefully; let him know what he is doing that brings you immense pleasure. He’ll appreciate the compliment and make the mental note to keep more of that coming.

3. Be specific. Tell him what you’d like to see more of in your relationship physically, mentally, and emotionally in order to reconnect in meaningful ways. Be sure to ask him what he would like more of, too, so that the conversation doesn’t end up being one-sided. After all, neither of you are perfect. Acknowledging that there are things you could be doing better, too, will help open him up to receiving your list of (gentle) demands.

4. Get confirmation from each other. This is a very valuable tool that helps you both be crystal clear on what it is each of you requires from the other. You might even start off the confirmations by saying, “Okay, I’m willing to wear lingerie to bed at least three nights a week; would you be willing to light candles and find some mood music before we touch?” or “I promise to be more attentive and spontaneous, and in exchange, you can leave the lights on when we get it on.”

5. Immediately put your promises into action. I mean head right into the bedroom/the backseat of the car/your mother’s laundry room and do what the two of you said you were going to do. Nothing solidifies the conversation better than that-and you’re guaranteed to get exactly what you were looking for.

9

How to Get What You Want Without Nagging

As much as we love the cookie, as much as we need the cookie, there is one thing that, when we see it, makes us want to run the other way, no matter what flavor the cookie. NAGGING. You can be part Miss America, part Ms. Tollhouse but once you start nagging, we’re simply not interested.

Oh, trust me on this: we can see it coming. You walk through the house and start circling around, looking here, there, and everywhere, getting more and more upset with every step you take. Maybe the garbage can is full and there is a little odor to it. Or your man just happened to put his dirty clothes next to the hamper, instead of in it. Or there’s a pile of dirty dishes in the sink. Next thing we know, you’re standing in the kitchen with your top lip curled and that look in your eye, attitude so big it practically blocks the television from the next room over. We’re trying hard to concentrate on what LeBron is about to do to Kobe, but your whole demeanor makes us sweat harder than a bottle of ice-cold Corona on a sweltering, hundred-degree summer’s day.

Clearly, we’ve done something wrong.

We have no idea what it is, mind you.

But we know we’re about to suffer greatly for whatever the wrong is.

“So what, you were just going to sit and watch the game while all those dirty dishes sat in the sink?” you ask, seething, tossing glasses and plates and knives around.

“Sorry, babe-I was just watching the game,” we say back. “I’ll get to them in a minute.”

“I don’t need them done in a minute-I need them done now. You saw they needed to be done; how you could watch the game all cozy and comfy and leave this sink full of dirty dishes for me to do…”

And just like that, you’re going from zero to sixty, talking all kinds of crazy at us. You know what’s flashing in our minds? Your transformation into a big, evil monster. It doesn’t matter how tiny you are or how cute you are; when you’re ticked off and blaming whatever you’re ticked off about on us and using that “I’m ticked off” tone, you become a six-feet-tall, 450-pound troll head with a Darth Vader voice.

You are no longer the woman we fell in love with or a woman we even like.

In fact, love isn’t even in this.

Whatever words come out of your mouth, the translation in our heads sounds a little like this: “So what you’re saying is you want me to leave and watch the game elsewhere. That’s cool-that’s what I’ll do. Maybe I’ll call one of the guys, we’ll meet down there at the sports bar. Or I could go have a beer at the park. Or sleep in the car. Or fix the lock on the basement door-yeah, lock myself down there, where there’s peace.”

When you’re going off-whether it’s with nasty words, aggressive actions, or the stone-cold silent treatment-we’re responding either by checking out, spacing out, or arguing back.

No matter our response, you’re likely not getting what you want.

So how, exactly, does going off on your man-the definition of nagging-help you?

Let me just go on ahead and tell you now: it doesn’t.

No matter how good it feels to get it off your chest, no matter if you think what you’re saying is justified, the fact of the matter is that when you talk sideways at a man, it makes it that much easier for him to dismiss you and your needs. He can justify his reaction based on your words and tone-you get loud, he can get louder; you throw out idle threats, here come a couple your way, with extra sauce on them; you give him the silent-but-angry treatment, he now can ignore you and whatever it is you’re fussing about until he feels like the lady he likes is back again.

Until the environment is ripe for him to go into fix-it mode.

I wrote in Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man how important it is for a man to simply fix stuff. We don’t want to talk about it and ponder it and mull it over in our minds or argue the merits of it; just as communicating, nurturing, and listening to problems to understand them without any obligation to fix them isn’t a man’s way, neither is standing around and getting hollered at and screamed at over things we don’t think deserve all of that energy, things that are not a priority to us.

Whatever the issue is, we simply want to fix it-without the ugliness and drama.

The key words here, ladies, are priority and fix it.

See, what is a priority to you may not necessarily be a priority to us. You may like the kitchen to be clean, or you may want the trash taken out as soon as the last paper towel makes the garbage reach the top of the bin, or you may want the lawn mowed on Friday evenings instead of Saturday mornings. But I can guarantee you that unless he’s some kind of maniacal neat freak, your man is probably not focused on any of the things that are a priority in your mind. He’s not holding out on washing the dishes or taking out the garbage or picking up his dirty clothes to spite you; he’s simply not paying attention to it. Call it insensitive, argue all you want to about how he should know, by now, how much you can’t stand these things, the truth is he didn’t make these things a priority because dirty dishes, a full trash can, dirty clothes on the floor, and all of the other things that women tend to be particular about don’t bother us. He might just have his mind on other things-things he considers bigger than a dirty glass or a full garbage can. Really, it has nothing to do with you.

So he left his dirty towel on the floor. Your man didn’t do that to spite you; he just dropped his towel on the floor and forgot to pick it up.

So he didn’t put the trash out on the curb the night before the garbage man came. He didn’t take it out just as he heard the garbage truck coming around the corner to spite you; he simply thought it didn’t need to be on the curb until just before the trash man came through.

So he sat down to watch the game instead of washing the dishes right after the family ate the dinner you cooked. He’s not waiting around, biding his time until you break down and wash them; he’s decided to watch the game first and get to the dishes later.

In each one of these instances, your man had priorities that didn’t coincide with yours right that minute. Or he may have done thirty-nine other things before you started yelling at him about the fortieth thing he didn’t get to yet. For sure, he’s going to get to the fix, just not on your schedule. How does that justify your turning into the 450-pound, six-feet-tall troll with a Darth Vader voice? In our minds, it doesn’t. And your tantrums about these things are really received as nothing more than bratty behavior. So when you’re finished swelling up and transforming and spinning and the argument is over and you’re back to the cute, normal, sweet woman we like, we can fix what was wrong-wash the dishes, take out the garbage, pick up the dirty towel-and go back to what was a priority to us.

Now, we men get that our women are particular people with particular needs, and we’re prepared to fulfill those needs. You just have to be more diplomatic about getting what you want from us. First, try to remember these five things before you go all in on a man about something you need done or don’t like.

1. Adjust your tone.

Your man is not your child. If you’re talking to us in that stern, accusatory, “I’m your mama” tone, like we’re little boys, then we’re going to square off like grown men. We have to stand up to that because you’re questioning our principles. You’re suggesting, in that motherly tone, that we’re nasty creatures who don’t care about clean houses, or that we’re lazy creatures who sit around waiting for everyone else to do stuff, or, the most hurtful, that we purposely hold out on helping you because we don’t care about or respect you. Of course, none of these things could be further from the truth. But as a result of your tone, now we’re really not going to give you what you need or want the second you need and want it.

2. Let your man get to what needs to be done in his own time.

Sure, you may want it done right this second, but really? Is the sun going to stop shining if he washes the dishes during halftime? Is the earth going to fall off its rotational axis because he chooses to put his towel on the rack when he goes back upstairs in an hour, rather than right this minute? Is your heart going to stop beating because he left the mail out on the counter and made plans to file it after he got back from a round of golf? I mean, gold star for insistence, but the fact of the matter is that most of us already know you want the dishes washed and the towel up off the floor and the mail filed and we fully intend on getting to it. Just not right now. So hold your horses-exercise a little patience. Leave the kitchen and stop looking in the sink. Stay out of the bathroom if that towel is driving you that crazy. Don’t worry about the mail. We’ll (eventually) get to it.

3. Choose your battles.

If you’re going from zero to sixty on every little thing, your man is going to automatically tune you out every time he sees the attitude coming. And I can assure you, when a man tunes out, he has a hard time figuring out when something’s a not-so-big deal to you versus something that’s a really big deal to you. For instance, if you’re giving him a hard time every time he wants to play basketball with his friends on a Saturday morning, even when you know good and well that if he stayed home, he’d likely be right up under you, he’ll be less likely to take you seriously on the one Saturday that you actually need him to stay home so that you can run to the office and put in extra time for a big meeting on Monday, or run an errand, or take some much-needed time with your girlfriends. All the fussing and nagging make him insensitive to the things that are really important to you. It’s like the boy crying wolf; after a while neither your idle threats nor your nastiness are taken seriously.

4. Understand what’s a priority for men.

There are some universal things that simply aren’t a priority for most men: Housecleaning. Keeping the refrigerator stocked with healthy stuff. Attending PTA meetings. Making up the bed in the morning. Asking for directions. If we have a place to eat, sleep, and go to the bathroom, most of us don’t necessarily care if the floors are clean enough for you to eat off them. And as long as there’s beer and one or two things to suck down-a pack of hot dogs and some chips-we’re happy with our meal plan. Who needs to go to the PTA meetings? We’d rather have our toenails pulled out one by one than sit around listening to a bunch of parents plotting out what color Kool-Aid to serve at the fifth-grade dance. Why make up the bed? We’re just going to get back in it. And there is absolutely no way we’re going to trot into the gas station and admit to another human being that we don’t know where we’re going. You know these things about us. Still, you expect us not only to notice when we need to stock up on more vegetables, make the bed, or go to the PTA meeting, but to be excited about them. Not happening. The universal truth of the matter is that this is how men are made. Women, on the other hand, generally have that magical ability to be attuned to their surroundings and the needs of others and to detect when something is wrong the moment there is a problem. You seem to absorb everything-to take it in, process it, and make sound decisions for everyone involved. Us guys? To hell with what needs to be done or what anybody has to say about it; we have the unique ability to block out what we consider minutiae. Think about it: Your child gets hurt and he goes to his father for comfort. What’s he going to get? A fix-it solution: “Go over there and sit down until it stops hurting,” the father will say. And that kid will look up at his dad with that look in his eye, like, “Dang, I need a hug, kiss my boo-boo, you need to blow on it or something!” That same kid goes to the mother and knows he’s going to be nurtured, that she’ll make it better, clean it up. Admittedly, this is a burden. It is your blessing and your beautiful burden. You all look at the painting and notice the brushstrokes and different shades of blue and how the texture makes the lady’s eyes stand out, and all we see is a lady in a picture in a frame. The same applies with life: women are detail-oriented; men operate in broad strokes. This is not to spite you. It is what it is. Now, if something is a priority for you, you need to let us know that, or we won’t treat it as such. I’ll address later how you go about doing this, but the best way to get someone’s priorities to synchronize with yours is to let him know the urgency and be genuine about it. If having the bed made is a priority for you, let him know it. He may not make it a habit to live up to your standards of having a made bed every single, solitary day, but chances are if he sees how important it is to you, most men won’t have a problem putting in work to at least meet some of your needs.

5. Whatever you do, don’t take over the tasks-especially with an attitude.

I promise you, the only person who gets bothered by this is you. Oh, you know what I’m talking about: your man is in the basement enjoying the game or maybe playing a little video game or staring into his computer and you’re upstairs turning five shades of purple or red over his lack of enthusiasm when you announced you want the bed made and the floor vacuumed. Oh, he agreed to do it. But he’s not doing it on your time schedule, so now you’re in the bedroom, snatching the covers and tossing pillows and flinging vacuum cleaners all over the room, talking about, “I’ll show him!” You know what you get from this? A made-up bed and vacuumed carpets that you pulled together on your own, and a level of anger that could easily give you a stroke. What did your man get out of it? A made-up bed and vacuumed carpets he didn’t have to be bothered with. Your doing what you asked us to do doesn’t bother us one bit, especially if we told you we’re going to get to it. If you want it done when you want it done, then go ahead and knock yourself out-now it’s done, problem fixed.

Of course, a smart man knows that he’ll suffer greatly for this later on, but we don’t get to this understanding easily. We’ll come into the bedroom listening to you on the phone with your girlfriend, laughing and joking and having a good ol’ time, figuring we’re in the clear over that little dustup with you earlier that day. What we’ll soon find out, though, is that the happiness is reserved for the girlfriends-you’ve actually put a little funky cloud in a box and wrapped it up all nice with a pretty bow, just for us. All too often, we fail to understand that we never win when we let you handle what we agreed to get done and should have gotten done, and if you’re asking us to do something, it’s likely for a good reason. So I admit it: we men could be better about handling our business so that you don’t have to nag in the first place.

Yet given that we fall short, what would be most helpful in getting us to this mutual place of understanding is if you simply asked nicely and explained why you need something done not now, but right now. Think about it: When a man wants something from you-no matter what it is-do we ever come at you fussing? Have you ever heard a man say in a gruff voice, “Hey! I need these shirts taken to the dry cleaner this minute or there’s going to be some problems!” or does he ask in a civil conversation for what he needs? We know this is the best way to get what we want; we already know not to push you, we already know not to talk down to you, we already know that’s not the best way to get what we need from you, whether it’s sex or permission to buy something or our preference for the family vacation destination. We always bring our requests to you in a nice fashion, and there’s always some sound, reasonable explanation behind why we’re asking. We’re always going to come in the door correct each and every time-and we know that, mostly, we’re going to get you to give us what we want willingly, just because of the way we presented it.

Master that trait.

I use it in my house all the time, even when I’m not getting my way. For example, I’ve called my wife and said on many occasions, “When I get home, be dressed because I got somewhere special I want to take you. I can’t wait for us to spend a little quiet time together.” And on every last one of said occasions, I’ve gotten home only to find that Marjorie is nowhere near ready to go. Now, it’s been hours since I made the initial phone call-there was plenty of time for her to do her hair and get her makeup just so and find just the right dress and shoes to wear out. Still, I’m sitting in the room, tapping my foot and waiting. Now, if I were going to nag, I’d get a little bass in my voice and go all the way in: “What do you mean you need more time? How in the hell are you not ready? If you’re not ready in five minutes, you can forget going out!” I know better. Hollering isn’t going to get her to move any faster; the only thing it’s going to get me is an argument and a dinner date so full of attitude I’ll wish I’d never planned it in the first place. If I do, indeed, want the evening to go well and the goal is for us to go out and have a nice time together, I’m going to do what I need to do to get my wife to move a little faster so we can keep our table. First, I’ll call the restaurant and push back the reservation because, hey, the goal is to eat out with my wife and make her smile-not eat at that very specific time I initially set. Then I’m going to go into the bedroom and say nicely, “Babe, you’re not ready yet? I’m trying to surprise you-come on now, I really want to get you there. Hurry, okay?”

That line, delivered in a kind voice with logic behind it gets Marjorie to move (a little) faster. And when she comes down the stairs, she’s going to be looking good, she’s going to have a smile on her face, and she’s going to say, “I’m sorry it took so long, baby, but I’m ready now,” and we’re going to go on off and have a nice time.

Instead of fussing at your man, try using that approach. Say, for instance, you have some friends coming over and you need help getting the house in shape, but your man is on the computer doing whatever it is that he does on the computer. He’s not paying attention to the dishes in the sink, he’s not noticed that the guest bathroom needs freshening up and the kitchen floor needs sweeping, he doesn’t necessarily care that the TV room tables need dusting-until, that is, you start slinging stuff around and barking about how you “sure wish that people in the house other than me would help clean up what they mess up.” Your coming at him firing gunshots is not going to make him dig right in.

If you want him to help you pull it together, go in and ask him nicely: “Babe, I got some friends coming over and you know if they see the mess in this house, they’re going to call me out on my homemaking skills, so I really could use your help straightening up. I promise you after you hook me up, I won’t bother you anymore.” Your man is going to sign up for that, for sure, because he’ll know that there’s some urgency to the request and that you sincerely need help and aren’t using anger to pass judgment on his abilities, question his cleanliness, or make assumptions about his upbringing.

You have to use what you got to get what you want (there’s more on that in Chapter 12). Women are masters at this! You know the best way to get something out of someone is to be kind and sweet and ask nicely, and you also know full well that talking crazy to someone will get you nothing. Still, you rush in, guns blazing, trying to get what you want anyway-a move that makes you lose control over the situation and give up all of your negotiation skills. Instead, calm down, take a deep breath, and go in there and ask for what you want like you would if you were asking for something good-like a new designer bag. I guarantee you’ll get better results than you will lobbing negative, harsh talk at your man. This approach won’t change your man, but it surely will bring out the best in him.

Marjorie is quite good at this. I’ll tell you this much: when we decided to move in together and get started on our journey through life with each other, I sat my girl down and made something very clear-I don’t do housework. I have no problem eating and leaving my plate on the table to be picked up by someone else, and I’ve been known to climb out of my clothes and leave them laying on the floor. I pay professionals to keep my house clean. I admit that there are plenty of men who don’t have access to housecleaners, but hell, I do. And so I told my intended that I would pay a gang of folks to do these things, just so I didn’t have to and she, a neat freak, wouldn’t have to be bothered by dirty dishes and clothes.

This, of course, didn’t stop her from trying to get something entirely different from me. I’d eat dinner and push away from the table, and she’d say, “Steve, scrape your plate off and rinse it.” I’d take off a shirt and drop it inside the closet, and she’d say, “Steve, you just dropped your clothes on the floor.” And the whole time I’m reminding her that’s what the housekeeper is for. I pay them good money to handle these things-provide a job to someone to clean the house. “You want me to help them do their job? Because they’re not helping me do mine. They’re not writing jokes and holding them up for me to read while I’m up on the stage, so let them earn their money. Cleaning is what they do.”

Except on the weekends.

It’s then that both my closet and the kitchen start to look chaotic, because the housecleaner isn’t there to pick up the pieces. And I realized pretty quickly that piles of laundry on the floor, dirty dishes in the sink, and an unmade bed in the master bedroom affects Marjorie’s mood. When we lie down on Saturday evening, she jumps up out of the bed, insisting, “I can’t deal with this-look at this bed! It’s not made up. I have to fluff these sheets and tighten up the corners…”

And now, Saturday night isn’t what it’s supposed to be because my lady is bothered by the sheets, she’s thinking about the sink full of dirty dishes downstairs, and she’s staring at the pile of underwear, T-shirts, and pants piled up in the corner. But instead of letting it fester, she simply communicated what she needed from me in order to be comfortable in our house when the housekeepers aren’t around. She didn’t throw a tantrum, she simply said, “Steve, it would make me so happy if you tried just a little harder to keep the house neater until the housekeeper comes back on Mondays.”

It was clear that my priorities had to align with hers or there would be problems. But there was no nastiness accompanying the request. And I rose to the occasion. I’m not saying my wife changed me. But she did bring out the best in me-the concern that I have to make sure she’s happy.

So instead of just dropping my clothes any old where, I pile them in a corner out of sight so that she can’t see them so easily. I get out of the bed on the weekends now and I actually pull the covers up tight and put the pillows (all those useless pillows that have nothing to do with nothing) onto the bed. And I make the kids load the dishwasher so their mom won’t trip.

Then Marjorie is happy. She has no reason to nag. And I don’t have to watch my perfectly beautiful, diminutive wife turn into a 450-pound monster with a Darth Vader voice, which makes me equally happy. Of course, on occasion, we still have our issues, still have days when all is not perfect in the Harvey house. That’s the nature of being human. But the understanding we have and the care we exercise to respect each other’s boundaries, needs, and wants make life together pretty sweet-and nag-free.

10

A Little Bit of Gratitude Goes a Long Way

I was not expecting this-it caught me totally off guard. I wasn’t even thinking about how to put a smile on her face. Mind you, I specialize in making my wife, Marjorie, happy: I love nothing more, other than God and the Lord Jesus himself, than to see Marjorie’s beautiful eyes light up-to watch her smile spread from ear to incredible ear. But at that very moment, all I was looking for was a rare piece of quiet time in my comfy leather chair-no work, no nagging kids, no drama. Just me and a fine cigar.

There I am, walking past the living room, headed straight for some me-time when I overhear my wife on the phone, bragging to one of her girlfriends: “Girl, I’m so fortunate. My husband is always trying to do something kind for me. He doesn’t have to do it, but he does it, and I appreciate him so. He works hard, he’s kind and thoughtful…”

The little boy in me went, “Oooh, oooh, oooh! Wait! She’s talking about me! I have to do something nice for her right now because she likes that!” And even as she continued her conversation with her girlfriend, I made a beeline to my office and got on the phone and hurriedly put in a call to her favorite florist. “Listen,” I said, practically huffing from rushing to the phone, “I need an abundance of my wife’s favorite roses at the house by four this afternoon.” And before I hung up the phone, I was thinking up more ways to bring a smile to her face, just so I could get a little bit more appreciation from Marjorie.

The truth is nothing in the world makes a man square his shoulders and hold his head up higher than when someone shows him appreciation. We men have responded in positive ways to praise and appreciation since the moment we were old enough to understand the praiseworthy words coming out of our mothers’ mouths: “Look at my little man, he’s so strong!” would make us grab four more grocery bags out of the trunk of the car, just so that we could look stronger in her eyes; “My boy watches out for his mama-won’t let me cross the street unless he’s sure I’m safe” would make us cement ourselves on the corner and look both ways forty times before we let our mothers so much as hang her pinky toe off the curb; “My boy is such a man of the house-he locks up all the doors in the house before we go to sleep every night so nobody can get in here” would make us do CIA-worthy perimeter checks on the house every night to make sure the family could sleep soundly, without anyone having to remind us to do it. It didn’t matter how puny we were or that we couldn’t flick a flea without falling on our behinds, if our mothers praised us for standing tall, we would stand taller. Because her praise-her willingness to say out loud that she appreciates us-made us feel valued, which in turn gave us joy.

This need to feel appreciated is human. No matter if you’re a husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, or adult, teenager, or child, every last one of us looks for a stamp of approval and a simple thank-you when we lend a helping hand, get the job done, and especially when we get it right. But when you show that appreciation to a man, his response to it is immeasurable because men are so rarely thanked for what they do during the course of their days that when someone does extend a simple, “thank you, you are appreciated,” they feel as if they’ve won the lottery. His boss isn’t likely patting him on the back with a “Job well done.” He’s giving him a paycheck-that’s thanks, enough. His friends aren’t high-fiving him and saying, “You’re a great friend, man!” We’re way more casual about it, if we bother congratulating each other at all. And guess what? Rarely does that appreciation come from the women we love.

It is the latter that hurts men most. An admirer of the work of women, I get that no one can multitask like a woman, that you are busy; in many cases, you’re working and may even be the breadwinner for the family, you take on the lion’s share of the child rearing and the household duties, and you are the keeper of the family’s social calendars. If left to men, the kids’ annual checkups would take place every lunar year, that is, hardly ever; birthdays would never be celebrated and gifts never purchased; and there’d be no family vacations. Yes, you run the households the way corporations ought to be run. But often, husbands and otherwise committed men feel like they’re near the bottom of their ladies’ list of priorities, and the only time they get any kind of feedback from you is when they’re not doing something right or falling down on the job. After a while, men can start to feel like they’re being taken for granted-that no matter how much they do to help, no matter how much they’re stretching outside of themselves to participate in the relationship in ways that aren’t necessarily natural to them, it’s never going to be enough to keep a smile on their ladies’ faces. And when a man has spent the day getting dogged out at work, or facing off against the forces that conspire to bring him down, he wants to be able to turn to his family, and especially the woman he loves, for some uplift, a kind word or two that makes him feel like he was of some use to somebody today.

So when men get recognition from their women for getting something right, it’s like they’ve broken the code to Fort Knox. It’s as if they were stumbling through life, totally clueless about what to do to make the one person who matters most to them happy, only to discover quite accidentally that they’ve made the women they love smile and say “thank you.” And once a man knows he’s done something right, he’ll keep doing it again and again-providing you with what you want-just so he can revel in that feeling that comes when he knows he’s made you happy and you showed him appreciation for it. As I have said elsewhere, a man expresses his love in three ways-by professing his love for his lady, protecting her, and providing for her and the family they build together. His desire to profess, protect, and provide for you will only get stronger if you make him feel appreciated. Simply by saying thank you to your man, you validate his decision to provide for you and encourage him to keep expressing his love for you.

This is what I had to clue one of my friends, Gwen, in to when she complained about her husband, Rick, who began fishing for compliments after another mom praised him for helping get his young daughters ready for school in the morning. Gwen’s friend thought Rick was amazing because her own husband played absolutely no part in the morning ritual while she fixed breakfast, ironed school clothes, packed the kids’ backpacks, and got them off to the bus stop. “He barely looks up from his BlackBerry to give them a kiss as they’re heading out the door,” the woman told Gwen. “Your man is cooking eggs and ironing shirts and walking to the bus stop in the morning? I wish he would teach a thing or two to my husband and a few others, too!” she continued.

Gwen later told me that Rick jokingly stuck his chest out and said, “See? Barely any of the other fathers do what I do!” at which point Gwen went off on the situation. “He’s supposed to help with the kids-they’re his kids too!” Gwen snapped. “Nobody stands around applauding me for cooking dinner or doing the laundry or going to the PTA meeting; why on Earth should someone clap because he exercised some responsibility and participated in the care of his children?”

She has a point: she and her husband share the responsibility in raising the kids; this is true. But, I pointed out, it was unfair for her to assume that it comes natural to her man-heck, any man-to cook eggs and iron clothes and organize math homework in the morning in the same way a mother would. Maybe all of that is in your “How to Be the Best Mom Ever” manual, but I assure you that it doesn’t say anywhere in the universal “Manual of Manhood” that men are supposed to get up in the morning and fix breakfast and get the kids off to school. Cooking dinner and changing diapers and running baths is not something taught to us by our fathers. We certainly didn’t learn it from our mothers, who give plenty of nurturing to the boys, but save the “how-tos” of child care and nurturing for the girls. What does get hardwired into our DNA is that it’s our job to work hard to make sure there’s money to put food on the table, clothes on our children’s back, and a roof over our family’s head. We internalize from the earliest ages that everyday child care and nurturing is what women do, and if we put our hands on anything outside of putting checks in the bank and doing the more male-oriented things, like fixing the car or keeping up the lawn, then we’re going above and beyond what is expected of us. And trust me: men are more prone to go above and beyond if you encourage them when they complete tasks that don’t come naturally to them. I can almost hear the collective groans washing over these pages. I can picture you sucking your teeth and asking anyone who will listen why a woman has to applaud a man every time he does something right. As an entertainer, I know firsthand that there is nothing more gratifying than a round of applause. No matter what room I walk into-whether it’s a comedy club where I’m about to tell jokes, a charitable dinner where I’m about to introduce an organization, or a church where I’m about to enjoy Sunday service with my family-someone is clapping for me, and I value it, because it tells me that somebody cares about the joke I’m about to tell, or the charity on whose behalf I’m about to speak, or the nourishment I’m about to receive for my soul. The recognition validates my performance and I’m going to try to duplicate that performance or do even better the next time so that I can get that applause again. If, instead of clapping, people get up and walk out while I’m talking, then I know it was a bad night.

Now wouldn’t it be great if you could have that same feeling? What if you came in to work today and as soon as you walked through the door, somebody came on the loudspeaker and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, Jill is here!” and everybody stood up and clapped for you? What if you went down to the grocery store and just as you walked through the automatic door, someone announced, “Hey, everybody-a round of applause for Sophia! She’s in the house!” Wouldn’t that make you dress up a little nicer for work? Take extra care with your hair? Put on a little extra lipstick? Admit it: you would feel magnificent.

By the same token, your man would feel similarly uplifted if, every once in a while, you gave him a proverbial round of applause and recognized the value of appreciation.

Now, I understand this goes both ways. Like women, men tend to underestimate the value of appreciation too. We’ll go from challenging ourselves to get you (calling and texting every two hours, sending flowers, taking you on romantic getaways) to getting comfortable after we got you (checking in instead of having a real phone conversation, buying flowers solely on special occasions, and vacationing only every once in a while), to acting as if our relationship is built solely on convenience (never calling, rarely giving gifts or vacationing, and expecting all the fixings that come with being in a committed relationship with a woman, including hot meals, clean homes, and well-cared-for children). And by the time we get to the “convenience” stage, we’re not giving our women any credit or expressing any appreciation for all that she does for us, our homes, and our families.

In other words, men and women are both expert at taking each other for granted. We treat the everyday efforts we make on behalf of each other as commonplace-something as unnoticeable as our own heartbeats. But just like we praise God for waking us up each morning with the blood still pumping through our veins, we could stand to look our partners in the eyes and say, “thank you for all that you do.”

Matter of fact, some women don’t have a problem asking for that kind of recognition from their partner. How many times have you pointed out that it would be nice if someone said thank you to you for standing over a hot stove and cooking up three-course meals every night after a hard day’s work? Or that there better be a romantic dinner planned for all the washing, drying, and folding of clothes that you did all weekend because if you hadn’t done it, everybody would be going to school and work buck naked? I’m even going to go out on a limb and say you probably even uttered a silent “better had” the last time your man invited company into the house and expressed in front of his mother, father, sisters, brothers, and the family dog that he’s eternally grateful to have married such an incredible woman. In your minds, men are supposed to show their appreciation-shower their ladies with gifts, tell them they’re lovely, and very publicly sing their praises.

Yet no one seems to ever expect women to reciprocate that appreciation, even though we, too, provide things that are absolutely essential to our lives together-security, wealth, strength, and even the occasional diaper change, cooked meal, and folded load of laundry. Think about it: your man can go to work every morning, run the kids to soccer practice, put them to bed while you run a few errands on Wednesday evenings, run to get your prescription whenever you need it, bring home his paycheck every Friday, cut the lawn and barbecue dinner on Saturdays, and run you to church each and every Sunday, and not get a lick of gratitude. How is that possible when the teenager who packs your groceries and offers to walk them out to the car for you will get an Oscar-worthy show of appreciation-maybe even a little tip if he doesn’t break the eggs-once he puts the bags in the trunk? In other words, someone does something nice one time, and you extend gratitude. Doesn’t the man who regularly puts in work and tries to do the right thing for you and the family deserve as much? Tell him you appreciate him.

Your son’s father may not get him ready for bed at night, but he may have taken him outside in the backyard to teach him how to line his fingers up just right on the stitches on his old football and throw it all the way past the tall oak. And the half an hour he spent playing with your son may have even freed up a half hour of quiet time for you. Your husband may not get up in the morning and get the kids on the bus, but I bet you he works hard to make sure the school tuition is paid or there is extra money for those baseball uniforms and ballet outfits. Tell the man you appreciate that. I guarantee you, not only will he be grateful for your noticing that he took the time, he’ll be more likely to do it again, just so that he can repeat how it feels to be appreciated. Say, “You know, babe, I’ve always wanted my children to go to that school-thank you for helping to make that possible.” Or, “John really wanted to play in that league. Thanks for making it possible.” I guarantee you, this will make your man stick his chest out; it validates him-assures him that he’s providing to you and your family the Three P’s that show he loves you. He’s providing that tuition, and he’s protecting your child by making it possible for your child to get the education he’ll need to exceed in the career he’ll eventually choose. Isn’t that worth a simple thank-you?

This will not come naturally; it’s so much easier to keep your head down and your nose to the grind, getting what needs to get done, done. But if your relationship is going to survive, you’re going to have to expect and demand that your man show you appreciation, and it sure would help the situation if you showed some to him, too. In the end, you might just get a little something for yourself in return.

My wife, Marjorie, has this down to a science. Take, for instance, the solo weekend getaway I was plotting just this past spring. I had it all laid out: I was going to check into a beautiful golf resort in Georgia sometime on Saturday afternoon, get in a golf lesson at 5:00 P.M., and spend the evening resting and enjoying a few cigars, and then wake up on Sunday, have a nice breakfast, rest up a little more, get in another round of golf at 3:00 P.M., and then head back home just as the sun was setting so I could get in some quality sleep before I dove headfirst back into my hectic work schedule. This was going to be a rare two days of uninterrupted downtime for me-no radio show, or business meetings or comedy gigs, no TV appearances or social functions, no press interviews or photo shoots. Just me, my golf clubs, and silence. Man, when I tell you how excited I was about this? You can’t even begin to imagine.

Just as I was putting the final touches on my plans, Marjorie comes into my office, sits down in a chair across from me, and says, simply, “You know, Steve, I just love your spontaneity!”

“Really? What makes you think I’m spontaneous?” I asked, smiling.

“You’re not just crazy, you’re actually a lot of fun to be around, you take time to enjoy life. You like to make it seem like you’re a homebody and you never want to leave the house, but I love that you’re getting out, going golfing and fishing and doing the things that you love to do,” she said sweetly. “I love that about you and I’m glad you’re like that because it inspires the rest of us to enjoy life. That’s a great quality to have in a mate.”

Before she could get the last of her sentence out of her mouth, I had invited her to come with me on my solo golf weekend getaway. I mean, how could I resist? Here was this beautiful woman complimenting me on something I didn’t even see in myself, and thanking me for leading by example.

“Wow, really? You want me to come with you on your golf weekend?” Marjorie asked, shocked by the invitation.

“Yeah!” I said excitedly before I could even think to stop myself. “And I’m going to take all the kids!”

Now, even as I’m extending the invitation, my brain is going, “No, dummy! That’s not quality alone time! Those kids are going to be acting crazy, there’s water and jet skis and they’re going to want to rent a boat and you’re going to have to do all of that with them and you can kiss cigar smoking, sleeping in, and those leisurely rounds of golf good-bye. What’s wrong with you?”

Next thing I know, it’s a family affair-all of us are headed to the lake on my solo golfing trip, just because my girl extended a thoughtful comment that made my heart swell. She wasn’t trying to horn in on the trip; she genuinely was happy to let me get in my alone time. But it just felt right to bring her and the kids along because this woman was showing her appreciation for a characteristic I barely saw in myself.

And though I surely would have enjoyed spending that time alone, I had an incredible time bonding with my family. We rented a cottage, caught up with one another’s lives, snuggled around the fire pit (making and eating enough s’mores to feed a small army), and laughed and played together way into the night. Marjorie got a massage while I hung with the kids, and then she spent time with them while I got in my tee time out on the golf course.

And when my caddy pulled up to the cottage after my golf outing, Marjorie and the kids had a surprise waiting for me that I’ll never forget: right there on the sidewalk leading to the cottage was a big pastel chalk drawing designed by my family, just for me. In big, colorful bubble letters, they’d written out “Welcum Home Deddy” with the “e” drawn backward, and each of my kids wrote their names and what they want to be when they grow up. There was also a sprawling family tree with all of our names as well as the names of the grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins. And next to that were two huge signs that said, simply, THANKS FOR THE TRIP! and TO DADDY, THE HARDEST WORKING MAN IN SHOW BUSINESS, with a hand drawing of a microphone and a crazy picture of me. Up on the deck, Marjorie had the grill going, and the kids were all there, waving and laughing and calling out to me.

Grinning from ear to ear, I couldn’t find the words to express how good that made me feel. This massive display of appreciation from my family didn’t cost much or take up a huge amount of time; the chalk couldn’t have been more than a few dollars, the drawings couldn’t have taken more than twenty minutes or so. But I’ll tell you this much: their words of appreciation, sprawled out across the sidewalk for all the world to see, were worth a million dollars to me. And their smiles? Priceless. It validated for me that everything I’m doing to profess, provide, and protect my family is not only necessary, but well worth it. Things like this make me want to work that much harder for them, to make sure that they’ve got everything they need, and certainly to give them a lot of what they want, too.

My caddy, a young guy in his late twenties, took in the scene and, as he handed me my golf bag, said, simply, “You’re a lucky man-that must feel great. I hope I have this one of these days.”

“Yeah,” I said, shaking my head in wonderment. “Every man should have a family like this.”

Eight Easy Ways to Show Your Appreciation-and Get a Little Something for Yourself in Return

1.

If your man barbecues a meal for you or your family, compliment his grill skills, and, the next time you buy a cut of meat from the grocery store, tell him you know your cooking it on the stove just won’t compare to what he can do fixing it up over a charcoal fire.

WHAT YOU’LL GET OUT OF IT: A man who will happily grill Cheerios on an open flame if it means he’ll get another compliment on his cooking prowess.

2.

If your man cuts the lawn every week and trims up the hedges to keep the yard looking good, show your thanks by presenting him with a small rose bush or hydrangea that can be planted out front.

WHAT YOU’LL GET OUT OF IT: A pretty flowering bush that’ll make the yard look great and, every time either of you pulls into the driveway, you’ll be reminded of your solidly rooted relationship. Plus, when the flowers bloom, he might just cut a few and put them in a vase for you.

3.

If your man fixes the leaky faucet or changes the showerheads in the bathroom, show him your thanks by running him a hot bath later that evening.

WHAT YOU’LL GET OUT OF IT: Some quality alone time while he’s enjoying some for himself, or, even better, a steamy bath for two.

4.

If your man helps the kids into their pajamas and reads a story to them before it’s time to kiss them goodnight, tell him that watching him bond with the kids is total husband porn and turns you on.

WHAT YOU’LL GET OUT OF IT: Trust me: he’ll put those kids to bed most every night and give them plenty of, um, encouragement to stay there if he thinks it’ll result in some quality alone time with you.

5.

If your man makes all the reservations and arrangements for the two of you to have a fun, relaxing time together, tell him you appreciate his initiative to plan much-needed alone time just for the two of you.

WHAT YOU’LL GET OUT OF IT: You’ll spark his spontaneity and inspire him to plan more date nights for the two of you.

6.

If your man fixes your car or makes arrangements with the mechanic to make sure it runs smoothly, or even just simply takes it to the car wash or fills up the tank with gas, thank him for keeping your sole source of transportation in good running condition.

WHAT YOU’LL GET OUT OF IT: A working ride and a lifelong personal mechanic/car washer/tank filler-upper.

7.

If your man washes a couple loads of laundry but leaves them for someone else (that would be you!) to fold, thank him for helping clear the hamper of the dirty clothes and invite him to help you fold them-together.

WHAT YOU’LL GET OUT OF IT: Not only help finishing up, but some quality time talking and laughing with the guy you love.

8.

If your man runs to the grocery store to pick up a gallon of milk and some eggs and cereal when you’re running low, thank him for noticing you were out of the essentials.

WHAT YOU’LL GET OUT OF IT: A man who will be more likely to make runs to the store because he sees the need, not because you begged.

11

How to Handle Money Problems with Men

It’s like my father used to say: the best thing you can do for a poor person is not be one of them. That’s because if a person in need comes to you for help-he doesn’t have the means to feed, clothe, or shelter himself-there’s nothing you can do for that guy if you’re broke too. This makes all the sense in the world to most men because we’re really clear that no matter how much we love our significant others and the families we create together, we can’t live off that love. It can’t pay the light bill. It doesn’t send in checks for the mortgage. You can’t drive it to the store or buy groceries with it. And no matter how much hugging is involved, it will not keep the people we love warm in the same way that good old-fashioned heat and electricity will. Simply put: we need money to provide the essentials for the people we love. And a man-a real man-will move heaven and earth to make sure that he has it, so that the people he loves have it.

The ability to do this is at the very core of manhood. From the moment the obstetrician smacks our bottoms and tells our mothers, “It’s a boy,” we are expected to understand and respect the fact that one of the most awesome responsibilities we will have as men is to have a clear-eyed, laserlike focus on who we are, what we do, and how much we make, and to use that to make sure that the people we love are taken care of-that they want for nothing, even after we’ve taken our last breath. As I wrote in Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, being the chief provider in our lady’s life is also one of the key ways we show our love for her and the family we build together. It’s absolutely critical for a man to show his love in that specific way.

Imagine, then, the problems that can arise if a man can’t get his family’s money right. Let’s say you get married and the honeymoon season is over. Now you’re in the thick of living your lives together and, suddenly, the grind of paying bills is getting complicated-you’ve got a couple of credit cards that are past due, the money you had set aside for rent had to be used to fix the car, and you’re a little short on the cash you need for the gas bill. Now toss some kids in there and watch your bank accounts get sucked dry. This scenario was complicated enough while the two of you were single and dealing with it on your own, but the frustration, embarrassment, and stress only multiplies when you have to go through those financial complications in front of and with someone else, and someone other than you is severely affected. Not to devalue how women feel in these situations, but I can tell you that this can wreak havoc on a man’s ego.

This man, who vowed to love you beyond measure, can’t show his love in the best way he knows how-by making sure he can tend to your most basic needs and even by giving you the things the two of you dream about as a couple-a nice house in a better neighborhood, good schools for the kids, a comfortable and safe ride, a vacation or two. Multiply that by a thousand if he actually loses his job-a scenario that’s not uncommon in our current economy, where men are taking the lead in the numbers of workers who’ve both lost their jobs and remained unemployed. A man who isn’t working not only suffers the blow of not being able to provide for you, but he also suffers the indignity of feeling as if he can’t protect you: if he can’t afford to pay your car note, then you’re on the bus; if he can’t afford the rent, he’s going to have to move his family to a neighborhood that may not be as safe and where the schools may not uphold the standard you had in mind for the kids; if he can’t pay the electricity bill, the family is about to be a little chilly come wintertime. All of these things can make a man feel as if he’s failing to love you the way you deserve to be loved. Consider, too, that if he loses his job, he’s taking a hit in two of the three cornerstones of manhood-what he does and how much he makes. And that takes a huge toll on his identity and dignity.

You know what comes next: The two of you face down tough times with more arguments over spending. He checks out mentally and emotionally while the two of you grapple with hard financial decisions. He’s tense and a lot more anxious, his temperament is off. He is less romantic, can’t even think about sex because his mind is on twenty-four-hour churn, trying to figure out how he’s going to hoist his family on his shoulders and carry them through the financial mess in which he’s found himself. Most men want to do what they’re supposed to do and what’s required of them, and the moment they can’t, everything comes to a halt. I’m the first to admit that even now, as the primary breadwinner, I go into a shell if my family is feeling any kind of financial strain, and I don’t pull out of it until I can figure out how we can resolve any setbacks. During these periods, I’m not as talkative, I’m not as romantic, I’m not nearly as caring or attentive. I’m off in the corner with a look on my face that says, “I’ve got something on my mind and it will affect me and how I interact with you until I fix it.”

Now, it’s nice when our women try to console us with the “I love you no matter what and we can get through this” pep talk-we appreciate you and thank you for your support and vowing to be with us ’til the end. In fact, we need that support. But it’s not going to change things-not going to affect in any way our mind-set. The pressure is on us as men, and no matter how much you say you understand and are in our corner, you cannot begin to fathom the pressure on us to produce, particularly in a man’s world. Witness us running into an old friend when we’re financially compromised and you’ll get a little taste of what runs through our mind at a thousand miles per minute: He knew I was the CEO of that company that tanked or that I was working at that plant that closed down a few months ago, and now when he asks me what I’m up to, my answer has to be, “nothing.”And when he asks me about you, I tell him, “It’s all good,” when he knows you must be concerned because things are tight now. A woman’s pep talk, no matter how heartfelt, won’t shake the feelings such an encounter can set off. And so we retreat.

But there are some ways you can help draw us out while we recover and figure out how to get back up on our feet:

1. ORGANIZE YOUR MONEY AND GIVE HIM SOME CONTROL

A financial planner gave me this critical advice years ago: to really organize your money and help everyone in the house feel like they’re contributing and benefiting from their paychecks, every couple should have at least four bank accounts. One is the household checking account-the one where each of you deposits your paycheck. This makes one large family money pool from which a portion, for most of us the majority of, pays all of your bills and the necessities that help you live from day to day-the car note, the electricity and credit card bills, the tuition, the mortgage. The second account should be a savings account that requires two signatures to move any of the money. This is both the emergency fund-the cash you set aside for a rainy day and the fund in which you can save for life’s big expenses: housing, automobiles, tuition. It doesn’t matter if you transfer from your joint checking account 10 percent, 20 percent, or just $10 dollars a month; the point is that the two of you are using it to save, with the intention of using those savings for emergencies. The last two accounts should be individual accounts-one for him, and one for you. Those accounts comprise the spending allowances the two of you agree to keep solely for yourselves.

Having these four accounts allows you to pool your resources together and work as a couple to get your finances in order, while helping you maintain your individuality. In some families, the car note may be her responsibility and the rent and tuition his. Now it’s all shared, even the child support. Now the two of you are linked together in a united financial front. In good times, that means the two of you are contributing as a couple toward the upkeep of your lives. In bad times, it’s the perfect way to help your man feel like he’s still got a handle on the finances, even if he’s not bringing in as much. If he’s writing the bills and the checks have his last name on them and he’s making decisions about which payment takes priority (or at least he thinks he is) and the lady down at the cable company is addressing him with respect-“Thank you, Mr. Johnson, for your payment”-then he doesn’t feel like someone is kicking him in the teeth every time a bill collector calls or another late notice shows up in the mailbox.

The pep talk that keeps him focused is the one where you tell him no matter who is putting what into the account, you need him to handle the money and keep the bills as current as possible-and that you trust him to do it. This goes a long way in helping him maintain at least some financial dignity while he works to get back on his feet. For the women who feel like this is handing over too much control, know that you still share the responsibility; the two of you still need to talk about the finances, no one can dip into the savings without checking in with the other, and the two of you still have your separate accounts that give you the autonomy you need for yourselves without any questions from your mate. If he wants to buy a box of cigars, he can dip into his individual account to buy them, no questions asked; if you want to get your nails done or buy a cute pair of shoes and you have the money in your individual account, he can’t say anything about it. See? Everybody has some control.

Now, if your man spends frivolously, isn’t taking care of business, and doesn’t seem like he’s remotely interested in climbing out of his jobless state, you’ve got a problem-and I don’t have the book to help you with that guy. Rest assured, a man who isn’t taking care of business is going against what I think are his natural instincts, and if you happen to be hitched to him in any way, you have the absolute right and power to walk away. Or you can hang in there-and good luck to you.

But the bottom line is that when you make the move to be with someone, from the get-go you have to play the game like you practice the game. If you have the hard conversations about finances and how the two of you handle bills and saving before you get in deep, and put into place this practice of handling money together in both good financial times and bad, then the sharing is going to work, even when something goes wrong, especially when things go wrong.

2. REMIND HIM WHY YOU FELL IN LOVE

We’ve already discussed that telling your partner you love him when the chips are down is something that, while appreciated, may ring hollow with a man who’s down on his financial luck. But showing him you love him is something wholly different. My parents didn’t have a lot of money, but they made it. And I’ve got news for you: you can make it too. All that history together, all the time you’ve loved each other, is worth preserving. Show him that by reminding him what made him love you in the first place-by focusing on the little unexpected things. Make his favorite meal, hold his hand, send him love notes. Do things as a family that don’t cost money: rent a DVD, make popcorn, and have movie night; spread a blanket on the living room floor and have an indoor picnic; after dinner, take a family walk around the neighborhood; go swing on the swings at the playground; park your car by the airport and watch the planes take off and land; drive to the suburbs and look at the Christmas lights; learn how to play one of his video games, then challenge him to a duel. While you’re out on those impromptu “dates,” take care to enjoy each other’s company. Don’t bother talking about the negative things or the problems. Just take the time to really connect; even if the connection is short-lived, make it count. Encourage him to find solace in you, even on the days when he’d rather find a corner and get really quiet. Building a loving relationship takes work, but keeping that love and romance alive in times of adversity takes hard work. But your relationship is worth it.

3. DON’T JUDGE HIM

You have to remember that if money is tight, anything you say to him about money is going to amplify the situation in a negative way. A scenario: You come home from a tough day on the job to a mailbox full of bills, and before you can get into the house, the phone rings. It’s the cable company, informing you once again that if you don’t pay the bill, they’re going to shut down service. Now, your man knows the bill is late but you hang up the phone and huff, “The cable bill is due.”

In his mind, you might as well have said: “They’re about to shut off the cable and if that happens, I won’t be able to watch my shows after a hard day’s work and I’ll be doggone if I’m going to be the one going out here and getting the money and you’re sitting here doing nothing while they take away the one thing I do to relax. You got us into this mess; what are you going to do to get us out of it?”

Unfortunately, it doesn’t matter that this isn’t what you intended; it’s about the perceived attitude and tone, which can come across even when you don’t realize you’re doing it. He’s already disappointed in himself, and he’s just biding his time until you show that you’re disappointed in him, too, until you let it be known that he’s failing as a husband, father, and man because he’s not providing for and protecting his family.

You know the bills are due and so does he; there’s no need to bring it up unless you’ve got something concrete to offer in terms of how to dig yourselves out of the mess in which you’ve found yourselves. Otherwise, your words-whether they were said with attitude or meant as a simple observation-might just have him taking a trip down to the pawn shop, or dialing up a loan shark, or going down to the corner to do some things he has no business doing. All I’m saying is tread lightly.

4. FORM A TWO-PERSON CIRCLE

What’s happening in your bank account-whether good or bad-is your business and your business only. Keep your financial information between the two of you, and share it with no one because believe me, no matter how much-or little-money you have, it’s news to somebody. Tell a girlfriend that you went for the promotion on the job in hopes of earning more money because your man is out of work and “somebody’s gotta do something,” and the next thing you know, your entire world-family, friends, acquaintances, and enemies-will be standing at the ready to use that information against you. All you need to do is consider what happens when someone hits the lottery: as soon as the lottery winner pops up, and they’re on the news with that oversized check, everybody’s got their hands out. And in the instances when they lose all that money, spend it on foolish things, make some bad investments, get taken advantage of by people using and abusing them for their cash, the first thing everybody does is talk about how dumb they were. In other words, people get jealous and use whatever information they have to make you feel bad and themselves feel better. This hardly ever changes. Keep your information to yourself, and no one gets the opportunity to put your business in the street, pass judgment, or make you or your man feel bad about your financial situation.

Similarly: don’t compare yourself with other couples. People specialize in making outward appearances shimmer; they’re driving the bigger car or living in the fancier house, but chances are that something is probably wrong in their world too. Their car note may be two months behind, or they may be trying to work out a smaller payment on their mortgage loan. They’re fronting and flexing and making you feel inferior for not having what they have, but they may well have problems even worse than yours. Whatever their financial business is, stay out of it and keep yours to yourself.

This is the advice I had for a listener who wrote into SteveHarvey.com asking for advice on how to handle family members and friends who started asking him for money after he and his wife opened a successful barbershop in their neighborhood. He’d made the mistake of telling a few people at a family get-together that leaving his regular job and starting his own business was the best financial decision he’d ever made-that he was making triple what he did working for someone else. Well, when people started passing that story around and eyeing the brisk business he was doing and seeing his wife driving around town in her new car, people started counting his money and making demands on his bank account. “I make good money, but I don’t make enough to take care of everybody else. I’m just getting on my feet and people don’t understand what it takes to run my business,” he wrote. “How do I get them out of my pockets?”

I told him to start by keeping his financial business to himself-to stop announcing his financial success at the family barbecues. No one but he and his wife need to know how much he makes, what they do with their money, where they put it, and how much they spend. “Take everyone out of it,” I said. “And if anyone asks, keep the details to yourself, be as up front and clear as you possibly can: tell them your financial business is between you and your wife and that’s that.” And this is how it should be with all couples.

IF YOUR MAN IS THE BREADWINNER…

Of course, there will be some relationships in which everything is fine financially and your man will be earning what he needs for the family while you set about the important work of keeping the house together. Please understand that even if you’re not the primary breadwinner in your home-or a breadwinner at all-you still have power in your relationship. Most men I know give our ladies a lot of credit for holding down the fort. I know I need my wife to function and when I’m onstage performing, I frequently give her and the work she does at home a shout-out. A woman who is at home-I call her a home executive-is an incredibly valuable piece of the pie and has to be respected as such because she tends to things at home that make a man’s life so much easier to handle. For instance, Marjorie is in charge at our house. People are constantly saying to me, “Hats off to you,” because I married a woman with three kids and took them all in as my family, but what she did was no less. She’s accepted my children from my previous marriages as if she gave birth to them herself. She’s opened up our home to my kids and loved them, taken care of them, chastised them when they went astray. She’s helped raise them, and while I’m going about my business, I know my kids are being well cared for and nourished emotionally and otherwise. That’s major. More, I haven’t a clue where the electric bill is, how much the cable costs, what it takes to keep my phone service running, how the groceries get purchased and cooked and set out on the table. Do you understand the peace this creates for a workingman? I can’t put a price on what my wife does for me and our family. And it would be extremely unfair of me to act as if she somehow contributes to less of our financial stability because she isn’t bringing home a check.

We’re in the twenty-first century, and even women who aren’t working have power in their relationship. A man can’t put a price tag on what it means to return to a peaceful home, night after night, a place that’s clean and full of food, a place with lights and electricity because the bills have been paid on time, a place where the kids are attending school and doing well. That’s priceless. It allows us to flip into man mode and do what we have to do to make sure you and our family are well cared for.

If, however, your man is taking you for granted and isn’t recognizing the value you bring to the relationship, I have some news for you: you can make him recognize it. This is what happened to a friend of mine when he made the mistake of taking his wife for granted. Every day, he would walk through the gate to a yard and house that was in order; nothing was out of place, the kitchen was always clean, the beds were always made, the kids were always fed, clothed, and clean. But he never said “Thank you for what you do” to his wife; he just acted as if this was par for the course.

One day, he came home and got deep into a conversation on the phone with one of his friends. His wife overheard him telling his friend, “Oh, she’s great-living the life. She doesn’t do anything; she’s got her feet up on the sofa, watching soap operas. She doesn’t do anything all day long. I tell you, she’s got the life.”

What did he say that for? The next day he came home and walked through the gate and the yard was all messed up; toys were strewn everywhere, bikes were lying in the grass, and sippy cups were out on the steps. He walked into a house where the sink was full of dishes and crayons were spread out across the carpet and tables. The kids were running around like banshees, and there was no dinner on the stove. The first thing out of his mouth was, “What have you been doing all day?”

“I didn’t do a single thing today,” she said simply, “just like you told your friend.” And then she turned back to the television.

This went on for two weeks, with him coming home to a wreck of a house, no dinner, and kids running all over the place. Let’s just say it didn’t take him long to finally figure out what his wife really does throughout the day, and the value of it. She made it look so simple and easy, but really, her job was just as stressful, just as challenging, and just as valuable as his-albeit in a different way. And when they finally sat down to talk about it, she made clear her value: “What I do may not pay bills, but let me tell you what it does do: it gives you peace, good food, a clean house, well-behaved children, and a place to sit your coffee down and read your newspaper without interruption. If you don’t want that, I can stop doing my job altogether. I don’t mind watching these kids tear up this house.”

This is all to say that sometimes you have to get a man’s attention to make him recognize your worth. Maybe going about it the way my friend’s wife did is a bit extreme, but there are ways to help him attach value to what you bring to the relationship. One of the easiest ways to make that happen is to write down your “to-do” list with checks next to all the things you’ve done during the course of the day, and then leave it somewhere where he can see it-on the kitchen table, in the bathroom next to his toothbrush, on his nightstand, next to the remote. This will be a nice subtle way of reminding him to respect your game.

If that doesn’t get his attention, invite him to a sit-down and politely remind him of your value. Ask him if he saw your list, and if he thinks you’re doing a good job. If he’s not a fool, he will wake up and say, “Wow, yeah, what you do around the house is priceless.” Tell him, “You know, I just want to thank you for what you do for this family; we make a fantastic team, right?” I assure you that he will turn around and thank you for a job well done too.

Sometimes you just have to get a man’s attention-pull his coattails a little. We don’t mean any harm, I promise you.

I know plenty of you are reading this with your finger in the back of your throat, trying to make yourselves gag over what I’m telling women they need to do to make a man comfortable in a challenging financial relationship. But I feel the need to remind you: you have a certain set of skills that we do not possess, and you only serve yourself and your relationship with men better when you call on those skills and put them to use. Use your nurturing and communications skills-if you can use that skill set to get what you need and want out of others, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t put them to use with the person you love most, your mate. With good planning and a bit of luck, he’ll eventually be back up on his feet and out of the fog-ego in check and grateful you hung in there and helped him through the storm. The two of you will be stronger and better for it.

12

How to Get What You Want Out of a Man

My mother and father were married for sixty-four years.

There is a simple explanation for the longevity of their marriage.

My dad, Slick Harvey, recognized that he was not in charge and acted accordingly. This kept a smile on my mother’s face, my father reasonably happy, and the marriage intact. Dad instinctively knew that in order to do what he wanted to do, he’d have to give my mother room to do what she wanted to do, say what she wanted to say, go where she wanted to go, and be who she wanted to be. He did this by practicing, subtly and masterfully, the art of negotiation-the art of the deal.

Take the time my mom announced she wanted to go pick up groceries at Southland Shopping Center, the new outlet of stores across town. She’d read about the opening in the paper and had just finished studying the grocery store circular when she decided she just had to have a carton of the Eagle brand eggs they were selling for thirty-nine cents per dozen at that particular chain. She didn’t have to say it but one time, and my father was pulling on his shoes, coat, and hat and grabbing his keys. Her faithful chauffeur, he would drive her to church on Monday, Tuesday, Friday, and Sunday, as well as take her to the hairdresser when she needed to get her hair done and downtown when she saw a dress she wanted to buy or needed to get us kids some clothes for school. And now, my mother was adding the Southland Shopping Center to her list of shopping haunts.

What my brother and I didn’t understand, at the tender ages of nineteen and eight, respectively, was why in the world my father wasn’t asking what seemed the most obvious of questions: Why would anybody want to drive all the way across town to buy a dozen eggs at thirty-nine cents a dozen when the grocery store right up the street was selling the same carton of Eagle brand eggs for only twenty cents more? It just didn’t make sense to us, though it was my brother who made the very foolish mistake of expressing his thoughts on the subject.

“I want to go to Southland because they have the eggs I want,” my mother responded.

“But that’s a good fifteen minutes out of the way, and you can get eggs for a reasonable price right down the street,” he argued, with me behind him, nodding my head in agreement.

“I don’t want those eggs down the street-I want the eggs over there at Southland,” she insisted, pulling on her coat and walking toward the door. She was ready to go, and clearly was in no mood for arguing.

Now huffing in disbelief, he looked at my father and kept applying the pressure. “Wait, so let me get this straight: you’re going to burn up all that gas running her across town? And spend two hours messing around in that store when you can get the same food down the street for a little bit more money? What kind of sense does that make?”

Finally, my father cut him off. “You through?” he asked, slowly.

My brother quickly shut his mouth and opened his ears.

“I could run her down to the store and let her get the fifty-nine-cent eggs, but that ain’t what your mama wants. She wants to go over there to Southland, and so I’m going to take her to Southland. And if you don’t shut the hell up, you’re going to take her instead of me.”

My father waited for my mother to get herself out the door and settled in the car before he continued. “You don’t know nothing about women,” he said, the bass in his voice taking over. “This isn’t about logic, boy. It’s what your mama wants. What will it hurt me to give her what she wants? I’m trying to go down there to the gas station and play pinochle, so if I want to do that, I’m going to run your mother around all day today, take her everywhere she wants to go so I can go where I want to go tonight.”

The art of the deal.

On that very day, I learned one of the most important lessons my father could have ever taught me: happy wife, happy life. We men have been conditioned to conduct ourselves as if we run things, but the smart man knows it’s really the woman of the house who sets the tone of the relationship and what goes on in the home. Sure, we know that most women don’t have a problem bragging to their friends, “This is my man, he’s the head of the household.” Most of you will even take our last name and defer to us on some decisions. The idea is that if you do these things, on balance, you’ll get most of what your heart desires. A woman will give a man an honorific as long as he puts her on a pedestal and gives her what she wants. No woman is going to sign up to call a man the head of the household if he’s not acting like one-which encompasses making her feel honored, protected, and respected-and giving her, as I like to say, most of what she needs and a lot of what she wants. But guess what? The same is true for men-if anything, even more so.

We understand, respect, and live by the art of the deal. Everything for us is an exchange; I’ll give you something if you give me something back. We’ve been cutting deals since we were little boys. “I like that black marble with the orange eye in it,” a friend would say. “I’ll trade you this green marble with the yellow spots, plus throw in a Hank Aaron baseball card if you give it to me, deal?” Go into any lunchroom in any school, USA, and you’ll hear all kinds of deals being struck: “You got Pringles? Say man, I’ll give you two dollars and a Reeses Peanut Butter Cup for those Pringles.” The same thing is happening on the playground after school: “I bet you I can shoot twenty baskets faster than you. I’ll even spot you five points. If I win, you have to give me two packs of Hubba Bubba when I see you tomorrow. Ready?”

Striking a deal is standard for us-it fits into our scheme of logic: you give something, you get something in return. That’s the way it goes down for us at work, it’s the way we deal with our siblings and cousins and other family members who consistently tap us for help, and it’s certainly a part of our relationships with our friends. I’m not saying we’re a selfish lot, by any stretch: I think the basic tenet of manhood-particularly for husbands, fathers, and men in committed relationships-is to give without expecting something in return; we provide for and protect our families in ways both big and small because we instinctively know that this is what an honorable man is supposed to do. And we know, too, that often those things will have to be done without expectation of getting anything in return. But I’ll raise my hand high up in the air and cop to this one simple truth: a man is more likely to do things he doesn’t want to do if he’s going to get something out of it.

Just as you can use appreciation to motivate a man to do even more for you and your family (as explained in Chapter 10, “Show Your Appreciation”), you can accomplish the same by recognizing and implementing the principles of deal making in your relationship. It’s very simple: if you want something from your man, offer up something in return. (And no, I’m not talking solely about sex, though you could get most men to wash the dishes, make all the beds, detangle your daughter’s hair, and clean the refrigerator out weekly if they think they’ll get the cookie in return.) Forget asking why you have to wheel and deal to get your husband to do things that women do without prompting. No matter how upset you get about it, no matter how many times you ask for an explanation, it’s the way most of us are hardwired. This is the way men operate. Your job is to exploit this for your own advantage-to figure out how to win within those confines. Trust me on this one: understanding how to negotiate with your man will bring you untold joy. Just ask my wife, Marjorie-the master of the art of the deal in the Harvey household.

Marjorie and I are the parents of seven; she came to our relationship with three of her own and added them to my four. That’s a houseful, no matter how you slice it, no matter how big your heart is, no matter how much time you have on your hands. Being a parent-a good parent-in that situation is daunting sometimes. When I get home, I don’t want to deal with all the household drama, especially within ten minutes of setting foot in the front door. In my mind, I’m screaming, “I get that we need to speak about his grades, which are going in the wrong direction, and I understand that the little one wants to go to a friend’s house for a sleepover and we don’t trust the judgment of the girl’s parents, and I know that the other one wants his friend to come over, which means I’m going to have to have a half-hour conversation with his father, whom I don’t like. But I don’t want to deal with this. I want to sit down, have a cigar, and zone out!” Yet as overwhelmed as I sometimes feel raising these kids, my wife has an even tougher go of it because she’s the caretaker-in-chief of the Harvey household. For every hour I spend out on the road working, she’s making the decisions and calling the shots for everything that goes down in our home. And so if I think caring for the kids is a daunting task, I can barely wrap my head around what it must be like for her, particularly when I’m not around.

Knowing this, however, doesn’t necessarily move me to action when it comes to dealing with the particulars of child rearing. What gets me on the case is Marjorie’s negotiating skills-her special ability to negotiate. She has nary a problem breaking it down: “Babe, if you spend a little time with the kids while I go shopping, I won’t have a problem with you going golfing tomorrow.”

Suddenly, I’m there to do whatever it is she needs, weighing in on every conversation, disciplining every kid.

It’s an exchange. I do something I don’t necessarily want to do, she gets the input and resources she needs, and I get a reward in return. She asks, I fulfill the request, we’re both happy. Here’s another example of how Marjorie works the art of the deal: I don’t like musicals. I mean, I can’t stand them. People are up on the stage yabbing about something I care nothing about and then all of a sudden they bust out into singing and dancing? Nope. This is not my idea of a good time.

Now, most of the time, Marjorie will gather up a few of her girlfriends and they’ll go enjoy a musical together and then go out for dinner and do what they do when they’re fellowshipping as friends. But on occasion, my wife will request that I attend a play or two with her, even though she knows I’d rather lie in a dentist’s chair and have root canals performed simultaneously on all thirty-two of my teeth. And I will go because Marjorie practices the art of the deal: she will coax me into a suit and into the theater and later for a sushi dinner by promising me that she’ll make it worth my while when we get back home. Let me tell you, I hear that offer and I can make it through anything. I can sit through forty songs in a five-hour play if my wife plants in my mind the image of her saying, “Taa daa!” when we get back to our bedroom later that night. I don’t hear any music, and I can’t tell you a single, solitary thing anyone up on that stage is saying; all I’m focused on is the treat Marjorie will have waiting for me back at the house.

And when she shows me-not only with the cookie but with genuine expressions of gratitude-that she’s appreciative of my efforts to enjoy her passions, I know I have equity in the bank to enjoy my own hobbies and what little free time I have. If she gives me a moment to disappear into my office to catch a television show or flip through a magazine or just sit and be quiet, I make a point to free up time for Marjorie so that she can go get her nails done or get her hair fixed or go out for drinks with her girlfriends.

In other words, we’ve used a series of conversations and exchanges to strike deals that make our marriage run more smoothly. I promise you, talking it out and agreeing to make a series of exchanges to get what you want works like a charm but only if you’re willing to have a civil conversation with your partner letting him know exactly what it is that you want. You can’t expect him to intuit what you need, to come in the door and calculate before he’s unknotted his tie that you’ve been in the house with the kids all afternoon, washed two loads of laundry, enrolled Junior in soccer and Missy in ballet, and that you could use, no, you absolutely need some me-time. Have a conversation with your man, tell him what you’re willing to give him in exchange for what you need, strike the deal, and then enjoy the fruits of your labor. The same can be said of two people who come together for more personal, social partnerships. Say, for instance, you and one of your girlfriends decide to throw a little get-together for some of your other friends. Your girlfriend may be better at cooking and organizing the appetizers; you may be the expert at pairing wines with food and mixing up specialty drinks. To have a successful party, each of you has to talk about the kind of party you want to have and whom you’re inviting, and then the two of you have to agree on what you’ll contribute in order for your little get-together to be a success. Now, your girl may not necessarily want to cook all that food by herself, particularly if she’s going to have to do it after a long, hard day’s work. And you may not want to necessarily spend the entire party standing behind the bar, mixing drinks for a bunch of your drunken friends. But you’ll both strike that deal-you’ll provide the drinks if she hooks up the food-because you know that ultimately, your work will contribute to everyone having a fantastic time.

Every time you take your kids to the store, you strike a deal: “If you’re quiet and behave while we’re in the grocery store, I’ll buy you a pack of gum when we get to the checkout.” When you’re at work, you strike deals: “If you gather up the statistics from last year’s report, I’ll plug in the numbers and do the calculations and together, we can present the new report to our manager.” When you’re on your college campus, with the goal of one day walking across that stage, you strike deals: “I’ll help you research your paper and come up with a sound thesis if you help me figure out a better way to understand these math problems.” When you’re at the hairdresser or getting yourself a manicure or a massage, you’re striking a deal: “Get my hair to look like Halle Berry’s or Meg Ryan’s and I’ll give you a nice, fat tip and pass out a stack of your business cards to every woman I know!”

See, we strike deals all the time-in every little thing we do-with the hope that each partner will leave reasonably satisfied. Why not bring that into your relationship?

We know most of you don’t want to have sex every night and that all the roles you play during the course of the day-employee, wife, homemaker, caretaker, friend, volunteer, chief boo-boo kisser-wear you out. You all know we don’t want to change diapers and do dishes and read bedtime stories and do everything your way. But in the most successful of unions, partners are willing to change and shift and do things they don’t necessarily want to do in order to work toward the greater good of the relationship.

For some of you the approach to a deal is a piece of cake. You are the very picture of diplomacy. But some of you have never been called subtle in your life. Start off the conversation in a way that doesn’t put your man on the defensive. You don’t want to start the conversation with him thinking he’s about to be accused of falling down on the job. No guy is going to want to wheel and deal with you if he feels as if he’s having a foot inserted into his behind. You know the saying “It’s easier to catch bees with honey”? Well, nothing could be more true than when a woman is trying to negotiate with her man; no man wants to be blindsided by accusations about what he is and isn’t doing. Besides, doing that will only make him fight or flee. Instead, kick off your talk by flipping it on him: ask him what it is that you could be doing more of to help him. Let him know that you’re happy he’s your man and that you’re his woman, but admit that you’re not perfect and know you could be doing things that would make him happier. I know, I know-you are perfect. But your man doesn’t think you are. He’s just been afraid to tell you. If, however, you open the door to letting him express his true feelings without thinking he’s going to be attacked for it, he’s going to tick off a list of things he’d love to see more of from you-things that you can use in your negotiations. So stay calm, cool, and collected and be ready to accept whatever answer he gives you without having a knee-jerk reaction. He could be looking for more time to himself, more sex, more money in the savings account, more sex, more time to go golfing on the weekends or play basketball with the fellas, more sex. Whatever it is, listen carefully, and with an open mind.

And then blow his mind: tell him you agree that he should have more-more time to himself, more time with his boys, more time in the bedroom with you-and that you’re willing to give him all those things if he agrees to do a few things for you. Now, you’ll have his undivided attention because he’s going to smell “payoff.” That’s when you can lay on him what you need. Maybe you’d be happier if you had a little more time to yourself, or maybe you need more help with the kids or the housework. Maybe you want him to be better about helping with the morning routine, or being more proactive when it comes to planning and taking you out for date nights. Whatever it is you need, come prepared to talk about it in a nonjudgmental way.

Once he’s given his list and you’ve given yours, you’ve made the exchange. Now, both of you are clear about what you can offer in order to get some of what each of you need-the compromise you’ll be willing to make. That’s when you strike the deal.

Marjorie and I practice this even when we’re on vacation. Just this past spring, we went to Cabo San Lucas in Mexico, just the two of us, so that we could get in some quality time together. But we made very clear to each other that we needed some much-needed me-time, too. Though she can’t stand the smell of them, Marjorie knows how much I enjoy a good cigar; it relaxes me like nothing else can. I pull the cigar smoke into my mouth and hold it right there while I breathe in and out, careful not to let the smoke go down into my lungs. And then I blow it out and take another puff. If it’s a fine cigar-one that’s not bitter, that has a smooth taste-I’m satisfied, happy. Knowing this, Marjorie kept my cigars ordered and made sure that I had plenty on hand so that I could be fully relaxed. In exchange, I made sure she had strawberries and her favorite drink replenished every time she got low, because that fruit and drink relaxed her. We both made a deal, too, to give each other space; she gave me the okay to go golfing, and in exchange, I let her spend a day by herself at the spa. When we came back together our time was enhanced, electric. In other words, we had the conversation, we made the exchange, we struck the deals, and we saw big-time results in our relationship.

You don’t have to go to Cabo, order up expensive cigars, or keep fancy drinks flowing to get what you need from your man. All you have to do is practice the art of the deal, negotiate diplomatically. Take some cues from these specific discussions to help kick off some important deals of your own.

EXAMPLE #1

THE CONVERSATION: You know honey, I get that you’re not a fan of reading bedtime stories to the kids and tucking them in. After a long day of doing so much for everyone else-dealing with the boss, taking that long ride home, running to the grocery store to pick up the milk-it’s hard to come home and do anything but fall into the most comfortable chair you can find and zone out. I totally get that. At the same time, I wish there were a way for me to take a quiet bath in the evening, even if it’s just for a couple nights during the week, just so that I could unwind from my long days at work, the commute, dinner prep, and homework assistance.

THE EXCHANGE: If you take over the bedtime routine with the kids for two nights a week-get them into their pajamas, read them a story, and tuck them into bed-I can run some bathwater and light some candles and have myself a glass of wine and relax. I can do the same for you on the other nights when you come in from work, so that you can enjoy some quiet time by yourself before you turn in for the evening.

THE DEAL: The more time I get to unwind and relax and get in some quiet time without having to get the kids down, the higher the chances that I’ll be in the mood to spend some quality time with you.

THE RESULT: You’ll get a break from the kids; your husband will get more cookie.

EXAMPLE #2

THE CONVERSATION: Babe, we spend an awful lot of time with each other yet when we have time with our friends, we come back renewed from that time and look forward to each other’s company. Wouldn’t it be nice if we got to bond with the other people in our lives that we love? You know the saying: Absence makes the heart grown fonder.

THE EXCHANGE: If you let me go out with my girls on one Friday night out of the month, I’ll let you hang with your boys one Saturday night out of the month, and on Sundays, we can spend quality time together-just me and you.

THE DEAL: The more time each of us gets to spend bonding with our friends and finding some joy away from each other, the more we’ll be able to connect when we come back together again.

THE RESULT: The two of you will ultimately enjoy spending time together.

EXAMPLE #3

THE CONVERSATION: You know, we spend so much of our money on bills and the mortgage and the car notes and all the other things we have to pay to keep our lives running, we don’t have anything left over for ourselves. Wouldn’t it be nice to enjoy the fruits of our labor every once in a while?

THE EXCHANGE: If I focus on paying off one of our credit cards, and you take your lunch to work more often and take the train to the city instead of driving our gas guzzler to work, we could save a good three hundred dollars a month in food expenses and credit card bill interest.

THE DEAL: We can divvy up the savings-a quarter of it you can spend the way you see fit; a quarter of it I can spend on anything I want, and we can save the rest to get something special for the two of us.

THE RESULT: Both of you get a little extra spending money in your separate accounts, and get to work together toward a mutual goal.

See? Everybody wins. Keep this one thing in mind, though: you can’t strike the deal and renege. We men are sticklers for the “but you said you would” demands, so you cannot walk away having gotten what you wanted without giving him what he wants. Of course, the same is true for us men. In order for the deal to work, both parties have to hold up their end of the bargain; there must be accountability. This is where your standards and requirements-the ones I wrote about in Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man-come into play. Just like you did when you were dating and letting your man know up front what you wanted, needed, and expected out of your relationship, all the things that you required of a man in order for him to win your time, attention, and affection, you will have to require your man to live up to the agreement he’s made. You can’t let him put the kids to bed a couple days every week for three weeks, and sit passively back as he cuts back to once a week for the next two weeks, and then stops helping with the kids’ routine altogether, while you’re still pulling out the Saturday night bells and whistles and the monkey show on a Tuesday. No monkeys need to be coming out unless he keeps up the end of the deal he struck. Otherwise, you’ll both be right back to the frustration you were feeling before you learned to negotiate.

You deserve better.

For Ladies Only…

Using the Art of the Deal to Maintain Standards and Requirements in a Relationship

In the beginning of your relationship, you weren’t passing out the cookie to a man who wasn’t treating you right; you gave it to him based on his meeting your standards and requirements and doing nice things for you. But as you get deeper into the relationship, your man will slowly pull back on the tactics, treats, and attention he used to win you over. It’s just what we do; capturing you was hard work and once we have you, we get comfortable putting in less work on the romantic side of things because we’re busy providing for and protecting you and we soon find out that even if we don’t break a sweat meeting your standards and requirements in the bedroom, you don’t usually complain. You give based on your emotions, not your mate’s actions. And so he chills. He’s not rubbing your feet anymore and he hasn’t licked your back since 1979, but he’s still over there requiring you give him your all-and that leads to frustration, chiefly, yours.

How do you get him back on board? Talk. Men are not mind readers, and we will continue on as is if you don’t tap us on the shoulder and make clear what you want-just like you did when we first approached you. You simply cannot afford to let your guard down if you want to be happy. Open the conversation with a compliment; tell him in a sexy, sly way that you appreciate what he’s doing-holding down the family, bringing home the bacon, being a strong man for you and yours. But then toss in the honesty: tell him you really miss the things he used to do to you that drove you up and down the wall. Reminisce a little-remind him of that time you swung from the chandeliers, and the time you arrived home to rose petals on the bed, and the hot times you used to have in the hotel during your quick, romantic getaways. I promise you, he will be all ears during this conversation. Getting good cookie, after all, is our favorite subject. We hear, “Hmm-she’s talking about me driving her up the wall-it must be about to happen this evening. Yes!” And he’ll start thinking about what he can do to make you feel that way again.

Seal the deal by telling him what you would love to show him in exchange for getting some of that spark back. Now, he’s saying to himself, “If I do this, I’ll get that. Where do I sign?” It’s the reward system-works every time, even in the romance side of your life. You can’t walk into this thing saying, “You don’t hold me anymore, you don’t look at me like you did before!” because what you’ll get back is, “Oh yeah? Well, you’re only half cooking, you haven’t worn a thong in twenty years, and all your underwear has lint balls on it. Who wants a part of that?”

This is my way of saying, use your feminine wiles in a way that benefits you, even after you’ve got him.