Surviving Chaos

18

“Where’s Max?”

“He went to find wood for a crutch,” said Mandy.

“He’s been gone a long time.”

Something wasn’t right. But Mandy couldn’t place it. She didn’t know exactly what it was. It was just a feeling of uneasiness, of something being amiss, out of balance.

Mandy looked around, starting to count heads.

Was someone missing?

“Where’d that woman go?” said Sadie.

“Who?”

“The prisoner.”

It hit Mandy like a ton of bricks.

The silent woman Mandy had found in the woods was missing. Completely gone.

And so was Max.

There was only one explanation.

She began making rapid mental calculations. Georgia couldn’t move quickly. She could barely walk. She’d have to stay at the Bronco for now.

But it’d be better if Mandy didn’t go alone, looking for Max. It’d be better to have a second gun, a backup.

Who could come? James was the only one really qualified. Sadie wasn’t yet someone to count on in difficult life-or-death situations. Not yet.

There was only one other gun with ammo anyway. Mandy couldn’t leave Georgia and Sadie there, unarmed and undefended.

“OK,” said Mandy. “I’m going alone. No, James, you’re staying here.”

James opened his mouth, and shot her a look. He was growing into the type of man who didn’t leave others to do the dangerous work. He wanted to be there when there was trouble. He wanted to help.

“You’re staying here with your mom and sister, James,” said Mandy. “They need you.”

“I’ll be fine on my own, Mandy,” said Georgia.

But her voice was straining with pain as she struggled to just stand there next to the Bronco.

“You’re not in any shape to fight, let alone defend your family,” said Mandy. “What I said is final.”

Without another word, Mandy was off, into the woods, leaving her friends behind.

James was getting good with a handgun. He’d be able to defend them, if it came to that. Hopefully there was no one else around. Hopefully Max was the only one in danger.

Hopefully Max was still alive. It was entirely possible, Mandy realized, that Max was already dead. The silent woman was a complete unknown. Who knew what she was capable of, or what she’d already done. She could have silently slit Max’s throat when he wasn’t expecting it, and right this moment she could be circling back around to the Bronco to dispatch the rest of them.

Although to what end, Mandy couldn’t imagine. It wasn’t like the Bronco was any use to anyone. Not without gasoline. And their own supplies were so pitifully low that… well, it wasn’t like it wasn’t worth stealing anything. They may not have had food or ammunition, but they did have the ammo-less rifles, the camping supplies, the water filters.

If the woman had just spoken, Mandy and the others would have been perfectly willing to help her. Maybe even to adopt her as one of their own. They weren’t cruel people. They were practical, sure, and hard decisions had been made, and would be made in the future. But that didn’t mean that this woman, if she’d been the sort to want to help out, to do what had to be done, couldn’t find a place in their little tribe.

Mandy knew she should be trying to move silently. But the dead leaves on the ground crackled with what seemed like every footstep. She tried to move slowly and carefully, but her heart was beating fast as she thought about what had happened to Max. She ended up moving fast, making more noise than she should have.

It didn’t seem like they were anywhere to be found.

Maybe Max was already lying on the ground, his throat cut, his blood pooling up around him.

Maybe he lay there, his skull punctured by a bullet. It wasn’t much comfort to Mandy to remember that she would have probably heard the shot.

Just when it seemed like she’d never find them, Mandy saw them.

Two figures up ahead. Mandy was coming up from the side.

The woman had a gun pointed at Max’s head. Max had his arms in the air.

Did the woman have Max’s Glock? The guns in the Bronco were all accounted for. Right?

Mandy reacted immediately. She threw herself to the ground, getting mostly behind a dead log that lay in the dead leaves.

The ground was cold, and Mandy pressed her body into it. She had her gun pointed towards the woman, her arms stretched out. She used the log to steady her aim.

Should she fire right away?

She should. Mandy knew it was the right thing to do.

The woman hadn’t seen her. Max hadn’t seen her. Or if he had, he hadn’t given any indication. He hadn’t given her presence away.

Mandy’s heart was pounding. She felt breathless.

Max could be dead any second. Who knew what the woman might do. The stranger was capable of anything. That was the only safe thing to assume.

Mandy’s finger was on the trigger. She needed to squeeze it. She needed to fire. She needed to shoot this woman dead.

There was every reason to act.

Every reason in the world.

This wasn’t the time for morals. And if it was, Mandy was morally in the right. How could she not be? Her friend had a gun pointed at his head. He could be dead in moments.

Mere moments.

This wasn’t the time for Mandy to get stuck. To freeze up.

But she wasn’t the one making the decision. Her brain was. Her body was.

Memories came flooding back, memories of the woman at the farmhouse that she’d murdered. Killed with a knife, in the most hands-on manner possible.

Mandy could see the woman’s lifeless face as clear as day in her memory, a memory that seemed to overwhelm the present, confusing and confounding her.

“What do you want?” said Max.

They were the first words that Mandy had heard from either Max or the stranger. They brought Mandy back to the real world, away from the painful memories.

“What do you think?” said the stranger.

There was something strange about her voice. As if she hadn’t used it in a long, long time.

Mandy held her breath. Her finger started to move.

But she didn’t to want to take a life. Not another. It was too much.

Mandy knew that she wasn’t strong like Max. Max would have pulled the trigger the first chance he had. Had Mandy been in danger, had a gun been pointed at her head, Max wouldn’t have hesitated.

Mandy was racked with guilt. She owed Max everything. She owed him her life and even more than that. They were all in debt to Max. And now she wasn’t taking the action that would surely save his life?

“We can give you whatever you want,” said Max.

Mandy was impressed with how calm his voice was. He didn’t sound like he feared for his life. Although surely he did.

Then again, Max probably knew that Mandy or James would come looking for him. Surely he expected it. He was counting on it.

What he didn’t expect was that Mandy would have trouble killing again. That she couldn’t bring herself to pull the trigger to save his life.

Such a simple action. A single movement of the finger. And it was all over. Mandy was confident about her aim. She’d grown into a better shot than she could have ever imagined before the EMP. But of course, that wasn’t what she was worried about. It was something bigger, something looming and huge.

Maybe her body wasn’t working the way it should be. It wasn’t just mental stress. It was physical too. Her stomach hadn’t been properly full since the compound. She’d pushed herself farther than she would have ever thought possible.

Physical stresses compounded mental stress. And mental stress made physical stress worse. Stress worked in both directions, compounding perpetually, rolling into a huge snowball that seemed immovable.

“If I can be frank,” said Max, his voice still calm. “It seems to me like you don’t have a plan at all. You don’t know what you’re going to do. You don’t know what you need from us. The SUV is out of gas. And you know that.”

“Shut up,” said the stranger.

“You’re acting out of desperation,” said Max. “And I’m not saying you’re going to regret killing me, but at least think about what you’re going to gain from an action like that.”

Mandy couldn’t believe how calm and sure of himself Max sounded.

Was he just buying time?

Beads of sweat had formed on Mandy’s brow. They felt ice cold. Her breathing had grown ragged. She couldn’t keep it quiet.

Was there a way to neutralize the threat without killing?

Mandy already knew the answer.

No.

A huge no.

If Mandy snuck up on her, she’d be heard. Mandy wasn’t some kind of tactical ninja. She didn’t have any special skills. She was a regular person in the real world. Her footsteps, when she got close enough, would be clearly heard. The stranger would shoot Max in panic, spin around, and possibly shoot Mandy too. Depending on how good a shot she was, Mandy and Max both stood a good chance of dying.

Mandy couldn’t wait any longer.

She gritted her teeth and pulled the trigger.

The recoil felt harsher than it had. The noise felt louder than it had before.

The stranger fell to the ground.

Mandy didn’t move. She was frozen, somehow overwhelmed with what she’d done.

She’d done the right thing. But that didn’t make it any easier for her.

Max moved swiftly, grabbing his Glock and throwing himself to the ground. He always seemed to act in a rational way. There was no way for him to know who had shot, whether they were friend or foe.

Mandy needed to tell him. She needed to announce her presence.

But her mouth didn’t seem to work.

It didn’t make sense. Mandy had been able to fight effectively since the farmhouse. She’d gotten better. She’d thought she was over it completely.

But apparently it had been living inside her like some dark demon, hiding away in the recesses of her soul and memory, ready to strike at the worst moments, casting doubt and uncertainty on a whim.

“Who’s out there?” called out Max finally.

Mandy got her mouth open, but nothing came out.

Minutes seemed to pass. Her heart was still rushing like a racehorse.

Finally, she was able to speak.

“It’s me!” she called out. Her voice was horse, cracking awkwardly as it filled the cold space between them.

“Mandy?”

Max was up, moving towards Mandy. But not before checking the pulse of the dead stranger, and collecting the extra firearm.

The body of the woman lay behind him, her opened eyes seeming to point directly at Mandy, because of the way she’d fallen.

Mandy felt Max’s arms around her.

“What happened? Are you OK?”

Mandy managed to nod.

“You’re shaking,” said Max.

“Is she dead?”

“Yeah. She’s dead. It was a good shot.”

“I couldn’t… I didn’t…”

Max looked at her, holding her head in his hands and tilting her face to his, even though she was trying to look away.

“I almost couldn’t do it,” said Mandy. “I kept thinking about the woman back at the farmhouse.”

Tears were streaming down Mandy’s face. And she’d never been more embarrassed about an emotional reaction. She knew this wasn’t the way to behave. She knew it could endanger the survival of them all. But she couldn’t help it.

“It’s OK,” said Max. “You did it. That’s what’s important.”

“What did she even want?”

“I don’t think she knew. She was acting out of fear. Panic. Instinct. Nothing more.”

“I screwed up,” said Mandy. “I could have let you get shot. I waited so long to pull the trigger.”

“There’s no time to worry about that now,” said Max. “We’ll talk about it later. Maybe we can work on some techniques not to let old memories interfere so much. But right now, we need to check on Georgia and the others. And get a crutch for Georgia.”

Mandy nodded silently.

“You’ll feel better if you do something,” said Max. “Why don’t you check over in that direction, to see if there are any good saplings?”

“OK,” said Mandy, wondering whether a crutch would really be enough for Georgia.

How did Max do it? He seemed unaffected by everything. He’d just watched a woman killed before his eyes, and he was already ready to move on to the next practical task.

She wanted to ask him. Ask him how he did it. Ask him what gave him such drive. It wasn’t like she didn’t have the drive herself, but so much seemed to be standing in her way. At least, at times.

But as she turned to ask, Max was already busy at work.

He waved her over, before starting to work on the sapling. He bent it down, took out his pocket knife, which he opened with a flick, and dug into the tree’s flesh with the blade.

“This’ll make a good one,” he said, calling out. “We’ll see how she does with this. And if we need to, we’ll make a stretcher for her. It’ll be tiring for us, but we can do it.”

Mandy didn’t say anything. She watched as Max broke the sapling in two, and examined it for strength.