The Cold Nowhere

14

Talk to me, Cat. Tell me what you see. I can help you, but you have to let me get close to you. Will you do that?

‘Cat?’

And then again: ‘Cat?’

It was Kim Dehne, with a quizzical smile on her face.

Cat looked up, startled, and realized that she’d become hypnotized by the thunder of the falls. The two of them stood on a stone bridge over the Lester River, which cascaded furiously toward the lake, its water muddy brown. Slick black boulders, dotted green with lichen, lined the banks.

‘Oh, sorry,’ Cat said. She had to raise her voice to be heard over the roar of the water.

‘You looked far away,’ Kim said. ‘Off on another planet.’

‘Just thinking.’

Kim picked up a fallen oak branch about two feet long and dropped it off the bridge. The sucking power of the river grabbed the stick and fired it through the rapids, like a circus performer hurling a knife. ‘Scary, huh? I hate it when we lose kids in there. Seems like every year some ten-year-old gets too close, and the current takes them like that.’ She snapped her fingers.

‘Yeah.’ Cat shivered.

‘Sometimes it’s days before they find them. Some boater out on the lake fishes them out. Poor kids. You always think you’re invincible at that age, you know?’

‘Sure.’ Cat didn’t think she’d ever felt invincible.

Kim tugged on her arm. ‘Come on, let’s grab a bench in the park. I want a cookie.’

‘Okay.’

They wandered off the bridge toward the wet grass of the riverside park. Kim Dehne was twenty-eight, but with her squeaky voice she didn’t sound much older than Cat. She had a talky, perky way about her, but Cat liked it. Kim smiled a lot. She laughed a lot. That was cool. Kim wasn’t much taller than Cat, but she was heavyset, a well-fed Norwegian with curly blonde hair, blue eyes, and fair skin. She had big hands; her tiny diamond ring looked squeezed on her finger. She wore an untucked orange sweater over black jeans.

‘Sorry you’re stuck babysitting,’ Cat said.

‘Hey, I owe Stride. He helps me and Bob find house-sitting gigs. Anyway, I like having some company. Bob’s with his folks this weekend. I didn’t have anything to do except work and eat.’

They crossed into the park through a stand of towering evergreen trees. Twenty yards away, Cat spotted a deer on the dirt trail. It was a doe with a small physique, still no more than a baby. The deer studied them, wary but uninterested. Cat didn’t move, and she took Kim’s elbow, holding her back. They waited as the animal sniffed its way toward the trees and disappeared. Something about the sight of the deer made her place her palms gently on her stomach. Kim noticed the gesture.

‘You’re preggers, right?’ she asked.

Cat was surprised. ‘Did Stride tell you?’

‘No, but I can tell. A woman can always tell.’

Cat waited for the lecture but didn’t get it. ‘Do you have kids?’ she asked.

‘Nope. Not yet.’

‘Do you want them?’

‘Someday? Yeah, absolutely. Gotta make some money first. Bob says he wants three, but that sounds like a lot to me.’

‘It would be nice to have brothers and sisters,’ Cat said. ‘I always wanted a sister. What about you?’

Kim shook her head. ‘No, I’m a one-and-out, like you. Bob’s got six siblings, three boys, three girls. Holidays are crazy, but I sort of like it.’

They sat down on one of the lonely park benches. The seat was damp and Cat squirmed in her jeans. The wind made the woody tree branches sound as if they were whispering to each other. That’s her. That’s the girl.

Kim opened a plastic bag and took out two peanut butter cookies. She offered one to Cat, who shook her head. Kim shrugged and popped a cookie in her mouth.

‘How long have you and Bob been married?’ Cat asked.

‘Almost two years,’ Kim said. As she chewed, she worked peanut butter out of her teeth with her tongue.

‘Does he do computer stuff, too?’

‘No, he’s a teacher. High school science.’

‘Denfeld or East?’ Cat asked.

‘Denfeld.’ Kim grinned. ‘And yeah, you had him for freshman biology. I asked. He remembers you.’

Cat nodded. ‘Mr. Dehne. Sure, I remember him. He was nice. I suppose he said I was pretty stupid.’

‘In fact, he told me you were pretty smart. He was pissed off that you missed so many classes and he said he hopes you try again. Sounds like you had a knack for the science stuff. Me, I can’t cut up frogs. Sorry, won’t do it.’

Cat smiled. ‘It’s hard to think about school now, what with the baby coming.’

Kim ate the other cookie in two bites. She picked crumbs from the side of her mouth. ‘You want to help your baby? Get your butt back to Denfeld.’

Cat didn’t know what to say. Kim didn’t push her or scold her; she just said what she thought and moved on. The young computer programmer sucked in a chestful of sweet, cold air, flaring her nostrils. She hummed as she sat on the bench, and Cat recognized the tune. It was a Rascal Flatts song about fathers and daughters that always left a hole in her heart. Everyone told her that her father was a monster and a murderer. She knew that was true, but she missed him anyway. She wrapped her fingers around the ring he’d given her, dangling on the chain around her neck. This way you’ll always know I love you.

‘I’m a big country fan,’ Kim said, breaking off the song in mid-hum. ‘Bob and I never miss the festivals. You a Toby Keith fan?’

‘I guess. He’s okay.’

‘Just okay? Me, I love the Tobester. Kick-ass country. None of this Taylor Swift crap. That girl is too tall and too skinny. Who’s your fave?’

Cat actually liked Taylor Swift a lot, but she wasn’t going to say so. ‘I don’t know. Sara Evans?’

‘Yeah, same with Stride,’ Kim said. ‘He’s sweet on Sara, too. He talks about what a great voice she has. Personally, I think it’s that ass of hers, but what do I know?’

Cat laughed. It was funny to think of Stride with a crush on a singer. She thought about where he was right now and who he was talking to. People like the Greens. People like Curt Dickes. She wondered if he’d still want her around when he learned about the life she’d been living.

Her feelings for him were all mixed up. She’d been without a real father for so long that she had no idea what it felt like to have someone take care of her. To keep her safe. She barely knew Stride, but she’d dreamed about a father like him for years. He was a man, too, and she knew all about what men wanted. She could never have him that way, because he wasn’t like the others. To him, she would always be a child, and she didn’t know how she felt about that. Part of her wanted to fall asleep in his lap like she was a little girl again. Part of her wanted to seduce him.

Her mixed emotions showed on her face. When she looked up, Kim was staring at her again.

‘Your brain taking another rocket ship to Mars?’ she asked.

‘I guess I have a lot to think about.’

‘Yeah, I hear you. Sorry, sensitivity’s not really my thing. Stride told me about your mom and what happened. Wow, must have been awful. Makes me glad to have parents who are relatively normal. Seems like not a lot of people can say that. Now, my in-laws? Don’t get me started.’

Cat said nothing. She didn’t want to think about her parents; she didn’t want to remember them now. She was relieved when Kim changed the subject.

‘Hey, Stride said to take you to dinner wherever you want. His treat. What sounds good?’

‘I’m not really hungry.’

‘How about Black Woods? You been there before? I love that barbecue-glazed meatloaf. Yum.’

‘Sure, whatever.’

‘Fabuloso.’ Kim reached over and poked her in the shoulder with a thick finger. ‘Listen, I’m not trying to pry or anything, but sometimes it helps to talk to someone about things. You know, if you’ve got bad things in your past, it’s good to let them out.’

‘I don’t really feel like talking.’

‘I don’t mean to me! Wow, no. I talk to computers mostly, because they don’t talk back. You should talk to someone who knows how to poke around upstairs.’

‘Like a shrink?’ Cat asked.

‘Yeah, like a shrink. Lots of people do it. I’ve done it. It really hit me hard back in school when I had a girlfriend who committed suicide. I spent a year on the couch. It helped.’

Cat heard a roaring in her ears, louder than the river. She was a locked room, and she felt Kim jiggling the handle, trying to open the door.

‘You ever done it?’ Kim asked, not letting go. ‘Talked to a shrink?’

Cat could see Vincent’s face. She could feel his warmth, his arms around her, his kiss. She wanted to forget that she had ever met him. She wanted to erase him from her memory. She wished she had never fallen in love with him.

She couldn’t afford to let anyone inside her head or her heart. Not again. Not after what had happened.

‘No,’ she said. ‘I’ve never seen a shrink. Not ever.’