The Cold Nowhere

30

Serena found Cat on the front porch in an Adirondack chair. Her legs were pulled up so that her knees were under her chin. Her feet were bare. She stared at the quiet street and the black water of the harbor and took tiny sips from a can of Diet Coke.

‘You shouldn’t be out here,’ Serena told her. ‘It’s not safe.’

‘Are you leaving?’

‘Yes.’

‘Oh. I was hoping you’d stay.’

Serena slid down into an empty chair. She still had more than an hour’s drive to Grand Rapids, but the girl looked lonely and in need of company. ‘You couldn’t sleep?’

‘I woke up, and I started thinking about things. So I came out here.’

‘What things?’

‘I don’t know. Everything’s messed up.’

‘It feels that way sometimes.’

‘For you, too?’

‘Me, too.’

Cat bit her nails. ‘I know it’s none of my business, but why not stay, huh?’

‘I’m not ready yet.’

‘But you want to.’

‘Yes,’ she admitted. ‘I want to.’

‘Why did you and Stride break up? You look really good together.’

‘Things happen, Cat.’

‘Like what?’

Serena glanced at the girl, who studied her with wide, serious eyes. ‘I’m not sure he’d want me to tell you.’

‘Tell me anyway.’

‘Stride slept with Maggie.’

‘He cheated on you? Stride?’ She looked crestfallen.

‘It’s complicated. I don’t really blame him for it. We weren’t connecting, and Maggie was there when he needed someone. I haven’t always been an angel myself. It’s just that he won’t tell me things. He won’t say anything that makes him vulnerable. It drives me crazy.’

‘But Maggie?’ Cat said, her lip curling. ‘She’s a bitch.’

Serena laughed. ‘She’s not, really, but what the hell. She’s a bitch.’

‘She doesn’t like me.’

‘Maggie doesn’t like anybody who gets close to Stride if it’s not her.’

‘Stride loves you, not her. I can see that.’

‘I know.’

‘But you won’t take him back?’

‘It’s too soon to know what’s going to happen between us. We’ve been apart for months.’

‘Oh.’ Cat took another sip of Diet Coke. She shivered as she watched the cars on the Point. ‘After this is over, what happens to me?’

‘We’ll make sure you’re in good hands.’

‘Did Stride tell you?’ she asked, placing her hands on her stomach.

‘About you being pregnant? Yes, he did.’

‘Do you think I’m too young to have a baby?’

‘That’s your decision, not mine. Do you think you’re too young?’

‘Probably, but it’s too late for that, isn’t it?’

‘No. You have options.’

‘Not good options.’

‘You’re right. I didn’t say they were good. Nothing’s easy about this.’

‘Could you ever give up your child?’ Cat asked.

Serena said nothing. She felt a tightening in her face.

‘I’m sorry,’ Cat said. ‘That’s too personal. I shouldn’t have said anything.’

‘No, don’t be sorry.’ She took Cat’s hand and squeezed it. She was surprised at how easily the words flowed. ‘I got pregnant at sixteen, too. Just like you.’

‘Were you scared?’

‘Terrified.’

Cat squeezed back and didn’t let go. ‘What happened? I mean, how …’

‘My mother became addicted to cocaine when I was a teenager,’ Serena said. ‘We lost our house. My father left us. I was in Phoenix then. We ended up moving into an apartment with her drug dealer. His name was Blue Dog. Brutal son of a bitch. When my mother couldn’t pay for drugs, I became the payment.’

Cat blinked back tears. ‘Oh, no.’

‘When I got pregnant, I didn’t know what to do. My girlfriend Deidre took me to the clinic.’

Serena opened her mouth and found no more words.

She blamed herself; she had waited too long. She even remembered the name of the procedure. Dilation and evacuation. Not quick. Not painless. It was like punishment for those who couldn’t face the truth. There was an antiseptic smell in the room. She could hear the hiss of the pump. Her insides twisted as the doctor cut, scraped and sucked. She remembered the sound of tissue dripping into an aluminum pan.

And then, two days later, blood. So much blood. She woke up with a pool of her blood in the sheet, the cramping so bad it was like a hot knife cutting her abdomen open. At the hospital, when she was conscious again, they told her she’d almost died. When she got out, she and Deidre left for Las Vegas. She never went home.

‘They messed me up inside,’ she went on. ‘I can’t have kids.’

‘Serena, I’m so sorry.’

‘Don’t worry. Most days I’m okay with it.’ She smiled at Cat. ‘Then there are days when I see a girl’s face, like yours, and I wish things were different. Right now, I live with a woman whose child was kidnapped. I helped get her back. I think I love that little girl as much as her mother does.’

‘You’d make a good mother,’ Cat said.

‘Thank you. That’s sweet.’

‘Can I ask you something?’ Cat said. ‘A favor?’

‘Sure.’

‘I have to go see Dr. Steve this week. You know, for the baby. Would you go with me?’

‘Of course, I’ll go with you.’

‘Thanks.’ Cat played with her hair and added, ‘You don’t have to answer this, but I’d like to know. When you were alone, and you had no money, did you ever — I mean, did you think about …’

She stopped. She waited without saying more.

‘Did I become a prostitute?’ Serena said.

‘Yeah.’

‘Deidre did. She offered to arrange dates for me. Sometimes I look back and wonder why I said no. I worked shit jobs that paid almost nothing. It would have been easier to make money that way, but I think, after what happened with Blue Dog, I just couldn’t do it.’

‘I wish I’d never started. I can’t stand the idea of a man touching me like that now. I think I’d kill him.’

Serena watched Cat’s face, which was suddenly as hard as a mask, filled with violence. Her jaw tightened. The fingers of her right hand curled, as if holding a knife. The girl noticed Serena’s stare, and she softened and looked guilty. She knew she’d said the wrong thing.

‘Your mother,’ Cat said, changing the subject. ‘Is she still alive?’

‘Honestly? I don’t know.’

‘Your father?’

‘No, he passed away. We never really had a chance to reconcile.’

‘I miss my parents,’ Cat said.

‘I’m sure you do. I miss what my parents should have been to me. I still need them. That never goes away.’

‘People think I forgive my dad for what he did. That’s not really true. I still talk to him sometimes when I’m lonely. I still wear the ring he gave me. That doesn’t mean I forgive him. If he was here right now, I’d scream at him. I just know that, as bad as he was, he loved me more than anything else in his life.’

Serena wondered if that was true. ‘Do you remember that night?’

‘I remember it in my dreams sometimes. It goes away when I wake up, but I know it’s been there.’ Cat’s eyes glazed over, as if in an instant she went somewhere far away and then came back. Her brow wrinkled in confusion. ‘It’s like an echo. That’s all I remember.’

‘An echo?’

Cat nodded. ‘I can hear a voice. A man’s voice. He’s shouting, but I can’t make out what he says.’

‘A man? Your father?’

‘I don’t know. I just know he scares me. In the dream, he’s going to kill me.’