The Eagle's Throne

28. DULCE DE LA GARZA TO TOMÁS MOCTEZUMA MORO

Oh, Tomás, I wish I could cry over your grave. But I know the grave is empty. The headstone is there. Your name is there. The dates of birth and death are there:

TOMÁS MOCTEZUMA MORO

1973–2012

But you’re not there. There were two coffins, one on top of the other. A box with a false bottom, with a wax model of you melting away in the top part, and nothing below. Nothing, my love, except for the little pin with the eagle and the serpent that you always wore on your lapel, which ended up in the corner of that false coffin — either because the people who buried you were careless, or because you yourself left it there as a sign of your presence, a way of saying to me, “Dulce, I was here, look for me. . ”

What little I have to give me hope! A forgotten pin! An empty coffin! And your wax figure melting away into a puddle of make-believe.

“Make-believe life.” I learned that from you. That’s what you always said about politics. And yet my pain and loneliness today are so real, Tomás.

Nobody has helped me. I exist for no one. I existed only for you because that was what you wanted, and I accepted it gratefully.

I bribed the cemetery guard to let me open the grave. You yourself were the one who said to me, “Everything in Mexico can be bought. How can we put an end to that curse?”

After they killed you, nobody ever saw your remains. They said that you had been completely disfigured by the bullet that entered your brain. Respect for the dead! But then why is it that your wax figure in the first coffin didn’t have a single wound? Why did your head remain intact, even when it melted? Respect for the dead!

I had no idea who you were. And you had no idea who I was. We loved each other without knowing, without asking questions. It wasn’t a pact. We didn’t talk about it. The way we met was too mysterious. Mystery is what brought us together and mystery was to keep us together.

I didn’t know what my body was until you taught me to love it and discover it because you loved it and discovered it, over and over again, revealing it to me. .

“Your eyes change color in the daylight, and at night they become the only light. . Your earlobe doesn’t need an earring, just as your sweet, clean hands need no jewels. . Your mouth is always as fresh as a fountain. . and your vagina is the wound that doesn’t scar so that I can hurt it as much as I want. . If you had no hair there, I would paint it on, Dulce María. . I travel up your body, touching your belly as if it were the naked field where I want to be buried. . Your breasts are restless, they bounce up and cry out for attention. . Deeper, deeper, deeper as I caress your ass, strong, hard, and generous, as if to compensate for your waist, slender as a birch tree, and I bury my face forever in your long black hair, and make you swear to me that you’ll never cut off that hair, my darling, the black cascade that brings me closer to nature, the true essence of nature that I find in the landscape of your body, the nature I can’t live without. . and if I die, I want them to wrap my head in your hair so that I can breathe in your scent until the end of the world, my love, my woman, my bride. . ”

I can’t remember a time when you didn’t make me feel that I was revealing something that I’d never known I had. The right to my body.

“Oh, the majesty of your body, Dulce.”

That wasn’t your real body in the grave. I didn’t know who to go to. And that’s because I’m nobody, my love. The secret lover of Tomás Moctezuma Moro. Nobody. Secret. Like at the beginning. The same. My darling, imagine my shock, my desolation, when I didn’t find you in your own grave and I became mysteriously, once again, the stranger who saw you for the first time nine years ago, and whom you looked at, too, like the stranger you were to me.

That feeling stays in my soul, my darling. We saw each other without knowing who we were. You were my nameless love, and I your anonymous bride. . Because we were already lovers, if not before we met, then from the moment we laid eyes on each other, at that José Luis Cuevas retrospective at the Modern Art Museum in Monterrey, both of us lost in that world of vanished figures and almost invisible colors, as if instead of painting, Cuevas “filled the air,” as you said when you walked over. How could I ever forget your first words: “Cuevas fills the air. . ”

I didn’t fully understand what you meant, but I knew, I knew, yes, I realized that only you appreciated what mattered: You had an eye for art and an eye for women.

I said to myself, “I am woman,” and I smiled.

I wasted little time in correcting myself.

“I am a woman,” I said, and stopped smiling.

Then I felt happy again.

“I am the woman.”

You stared at me boldly, with impudence, desire, tenderness, who knows what else. . I looked into your eyes, as black and deep as two pebbles stuck forever at the bottom of the sea, which you offered me as if I were a little girl playing on the beach.

“I am your woman.”

And then you laughed so I’d feel close to you.

In your arms I became a woman. When I saw you that night at the museum, you had no name. I didn’t know what to call you.

“Call me ‘Island.’ ”

I laughed.

“That’s not a name,” I said. “That’s a place.”

“No,” you said, shaking your head of curls, so caressable. “It’s utopia.”

I stopped laughing.

“It’s the place that doesn’t exist.”

Your face grew serious.

“It’s the place that should exist.”

You almost frightened me, you were so serious, almost angry, your teeth clenched.

“I will turn the place that doesn’t exist into the place that should exist.”

Utopia. I had never heard that word. But what’s so surprising about that? They were all firsts with you — words, things, ideas, sex, love. . Of all the people at the Modern Art Museum why did you pick out a completely inexperienced nineteen-year-old girl from a humble family, without work, anxious to learn, not very ugly but not very pretty either? What did you see in me? The perfect companion to go with you to that happy island in your imagination? Was I like an island for you? Something to discover, something to transform, something to believe in?

Into my hands you put a Mexican novel from the twentieth century by Armando Ayala Anguiano and you said to me, “This is the best title for you, for me, and for everyone, Dulce.”

“The Desire to Believe,” I said out loud, reading the book cover.

The desire to believe. That was your invitation to me, my love, to have faith, and one day you said the same thing to the whole country from a platform raised so high that my hand was no longer able to reach yours.

“We must have faith. We must give Mexico back its hope.”

That was when I saw you in all the papers, in all the news reports on TV. In those days you were what they called the tapado, “the concealed one.” You lived in the shadows, waiting for the sun to come out and blind you. That was when, in the most awful way, both hurt and saved by the truth, I knew that you were mine more than ever because you would never be totally mine, because I saw you in a photograph with your wife and three children, and I accepted the silence, the secret, of being nothing to you in your public life and everything to you in private.

Tomás, my love, you know that I never complained, I understood how things had to be, I never asked anything of you, and I was more than happy; I cherished our love, more secret than ever, far from the stages, the photographs, the speeches. I cherished your confidences because I knew that you shared them with me and only me, and perhaps I never quite understood all the things you set out to achieve — I don’t know anything about politics — but you were the candidate, you wanted to make the country a little bit better, give people back their faith, their hope, their trust. Those were the words you used over and over again.

Secret lovers. What joy. I wouldn’t change it for anything. I never calculated, I never said to myself, “I’m going to make him choose between me and his family.”

It never occurred to me, Tomás, because I knew that being secret lovers was the best thing in the world, I knew that even if it hadn’t been for your family and politics, I would have loved you just the same — or rather, I knew that despite your family and political life, I would love you just the same. Your position and your responsibilities only made me love you more, and feel even more pleasure in knowing that you were mine, that you were the master of my body and I was the mistress of yours. I knew that just as surely as I believe in God — you and I, naked and united with no need for explanations, all as inexplicable and joyful as the feeling of your body inside mine. .

And now what was once my pleasure is my pain, my agony, Tomás. I have no one to turn to. That woman María del Rosario, who was so close to you during the campaign, that woman whom you did so much for, helping her onto what you called your “bandwagon,” doesn’t answer my letters. I can see why. She has no idea who I am. I could be a liar, a cheat, a publicity seeker. . And when I want to go and talk to someone else, your shadow stops me and begs me to be discreet, cautious, just as if you were protecting me, Tomás, just as if you were saying, from wherever you are, “Dulce, let it be. Don’t rock the boat. I’m telling you this for your own good. I don’t want you to get hurt because of me.”

Do I even have a right, my love, to write to you, to leave a letter of love and desperation on your false grave? May I ask God to intercede, to tell me the truth, since no human being is willing to tell me anything? Wherever you are, think of how many times God hears us. Count for yourself, and you’ll see what the answer is. Never.

This makes me think of a heresy, Tomás, and I’ll tell it to you here, at your grave.

“How many times can we be expected to rescue God?”

I’ve reached the limits of my endurance. I will not resign myself, my love. I will not tell myself, “Tomás is dead. Accept it.”

No. Instead I spend my nights wide awake, saying to myself, “If no one but God can hear my questions, and even God says nothing, then what can I do to make Him answer me?”

Tomás, my love. Give me back my life. You made me who I am. I was someone else before you. Perhaps I was nothing before you. In your arms I became a woman. And now that I no longer have you with me, I have to hold back my tears because, if I cry, I know that something even worse will happen to me. Tears will release the sadness, the grief that I haven’t been able to express.

Will there be no resting place?

I love you, I love you, I think of you all the time.

I hear boleros on the café jukebox (radio and television aren’t working; newspapers are selling very well now), and I remember our love.

No me preguntes más

déjame imaginar

que no existe el pasado

y que nacimos

el mismo instante

en que nos conocimos. . ¹

But the music fades away when I walk through the cemetery gate and read the inscription at the entrance:

STOP: THE PROVINCE OF ETERNITY BEGINS HERE,

WHERE EARTHLY GRANDEUR TURNS TO DUST.