The Hanging Girl

9

September 2013

Wanda Phinn didn’t hand in her notice; she just left. Threw the cap on the floor, said good-bye to the woman over at the control, and slipped out the door.

It was a total relief, and the wall into Victoria Embankment Gardens slid away without regret, the worries of wasted days disappeared, and the sound of the park faded away. The world lay before her, her whole life and everything it held for her as one of the few chosen ones.

Because Wanda had a plan. Ever since Atu Abanshamash Dumuzi caressed her cheek, calling her his flower, ever since the blood had rushed from her head, leaving her powerless and senseless, since she had come to again and stared enthralled into his mesmerizing eyes and felt his lips on the back of her hand, ever since then she’d known that Atu Abanshamash was the future she’d dreamt of.

Informing Shirley of this realization, she faced an uninvited and endless barrage of ineffective warnings.

“I can see that it all seems enchanting on the screen. Beautiful buildings, interesting rituals, the sea just at your doorstep. But when you arrive over there you’ll find out that it was just flirting, Wanda, and that your journey was wasted,” she warned. “Atu Abanshamash can get all the women he wants. Just think about what he can do and what he looks like.” Her eyes looked like they might pop out of her head. His charisma had left a lasting impression on her, too.

“I know it’s been a while since you had a man, but if you’re feeling sexually frustrated, then there’s loads of men here in London you can go to bed with, and who won’t hurt you more than you let them.”

Wanda shook her head. Shirley made it all sound so simple.

“I don’t think you understand, Shirley. I want to be Atu Abanshamash’s chosen one. I want to live like he tells us to and have his children. I can feel that this is what I’ve been called to all my life.”

“His chosen one?” Shirley was about to laugh but managed not to when she saw the seriousness in Wanda’s face. “But, Wanda. Didn’t you notice the daggers the woman helping him sent you? You won’t be able to knock her off her perch, I’ll bet you.”

“She was old, Shirley.”

“Thanks for that,” Shirley said, taking offense. “I think she looked to be about my age.”

Wanda looked away. Outside the window of her apartment the world was just another wall, towering above her and blocking out all light and all dreams. And behind that wall lived other people with the same unfulfilled hopes. A wall that grew greyer with every day. In this area, the future was carried by dreams. The boys wanted to be soccer players and rock stars and the girls wanted to be their trophy wives. In this area, people watched reality shows and awful quiz shows, gorging themselves on junk food and moving further and further away from the opportunities that a good education or realistic ambitions could provide. In this area, the statisticians could argue with ease that only the fewest of the few would reach the promised land, refined and enriched by success, wealth, and eternal happiness. As if she hadn’t lived with that knowledge day in and day out.

“Sorry, Shirley,” she said when she noticed her friend frowning. “I didn’t mean it like that. I only meant that I’m still young and haven’t had any children yet, and my body and soul are ready for all that now. And I can assure you that Atu doesn’t sleep with that woman who was helping him. I can feel these things.”

“You’ll be disappointed, Wanda, and it’ll definitely end in tears, and you’ll have used all your savings on this hopeless project. What will you live off then when you come back? Where will you live? There isn’t room for two people in my room, you know that.”

“I’ll come back and visit you, Shirley, and I’ll stay at a hotel. But I’ll come back as a different woman, you can count on that.”

Shirley pursed her lips. “Who will I hang out with? Who’ll I share all the gossip with when I get home from my mind-numbing job?” She began to cry. “You can’t just leave me sitting alone in this rotten place, can you?”

Wanda didn’t say anything but put her arm on Shirley’s shoulder, pulled her in to herself, and held her tight.

“So the least you can do is write some e-mails about how you’re doing. You will do that, won’t you, Wanda?” She sniffed.

“Of course. I’ll write every single day if I can.”

“You’re just saying that.”

“No, Shirley, I promise. And I always keep my word.”

* * *

She wrote to the Nature Absorption Academy on the island of Öland in Sweden, informing them that she’d now decided on her date of departure and that she’d be very grateful if someone could pick her up at the station in Kalmar on the day in question. She also wrote that she expected to follow more courses at the academy than she had first signed up for and that, if possible, she’d like to stay on afterward and work as a volunteer to help spread Atu Abanshamash Dumuzi’s thoughts and ideals.

Wanda was dead certain that she’d get what she wanted. Atu Abanshamash had shown his desire for her and he could’ve had her that day in London if he hadn’t been busy with the course. That was something they’d both realized. Now she was making up for the bad timing so they could continue where they’d left off.

The time had come.

A few days went by before an e-mail informed her that the courses were oversubscribed. They’d let her know when there were free places again but she shouldn’t expect that to be this year.

Wanda refused to believe it. When Atu Abanshamash saw her, things would be different. As long as she was fully prepared. Then she noticed the sender’s name: Pirjo Abanshamash Dumuzi.

Shirley was right. It would end up as a fight between them, no doubt about that. A bloody scratch-your-eyes-out fight.

In the days and nights that followed, she immersed herself in the alternative energy of the universe, reciting over and over Atu’s utterances about the Nature Absorption Academy. She would be irreproachable in her knowledge and engagement, but that wasn’t hard because everything about Atu Abanshamash Dumuzi seemed so right and logical. In fact, it felt as if through his thoughts Atu embraced all forms of belief and goodness in humanity in one pure and refined set of rules, and it took her by storm. The more she read, the more she tried to understand, the stronger she felt how these guiding principles and decrees for a purer life pulled everything ugly and foolishly mundane out of her.

Finally, she sat up straight and felt the peace of mind growing in her. No cola on the table, no flashing television screen with soap operas in the background, no noise in her head. The last doubt in her project petered away, leaving her determined and peaceful.

When she stood in front of Atu Abanshamash she’d be completely clear. Her sensuality and insight into the teachings of Atu Abanshamash would blow him away, convincing him that in her he’d finally met a woman who was worthy of him in every way.

And the other woman, who thought herself untouchable and was trying to thwart her plans, would just need to go.