The Killer Cat's Christmas

8: Chasing half-dead mousies

NOW IT WAS Lucilla’s turn to be Star of the Show.

‘Which nursery rhyme will you choose?’ they asked her.

Lucilla hugged herself with glee. ‘I’m going to sing Pussy Cat, Pussy Cat, where have you been? I’ve been up to London to visit the Queen. Then I can wear that lovely, lovely crown in the dressing-up box.’

(These three can get excited about anything. The jewels on that ‘lovely, lovely crown’ are stuck-on wine gums. I know that for sure because I’ve licked them.)

Ellie wasn’t happy with Lucilla’s choice. ‘Oh, please don’t let’s do that one! I always cry when it gets to the bit that says, Pussy cat, pussy cat, what did you there? I frightened a little mouse under her chair.’

‘Why?’ Lancelot asked.

There was a silence. They all looked at me as if I was a criminal – as if I spent my whole life chasing half-dead mousies round the house.

I was offended, if you want to know. They wouldn’t open the door, so I just went and sat under the Christmas tree, next to the presents.

Okay, okay. So I was sulking. But how is it my fault that my tail was flicking from side to side? I am a cat, and that’s what happens to our tails when we get cross. My tail’s a part of me. From my point of view, it’s just the end of my bottom. You don’t spend all day looking to see exactly what’s going on at the end of your bottom, do you? Well, neither do I. So how was I supposed to notice that it was acting like a little furry brush, and flicking all those silly little labels off and out of sight, under the carpet?

It took them ages, but finally, finally, they managed to choose another rhyme for their show.

‘“Three Little Kittens, They Lost Their Mittens”,’ decided Lucilla.

‘Yes! Perfect!’ Ellie said. ‘We can use Tuffy and my two soft cat toys.’

‘Use’ Tuffy? Excuse me! What am I now? A kitchen towel, or something?

Nobody ‘uses’ me.

Now Lancelot was pitching in. ‘And we’ll need twelve little mittens.’

I looked up. Mittens? On my paws? Oh, no. No, no, no, no. Not even if they made me Star of the Show.

But they were already rushing off to look for what they needed. While they were gone, I had a laugh, reaching up to bat a few of the glittery balls off the tree. Just like last year, I gave myself five points if they fell down among the presents, and a bonus of five if they rolled on to the carpet.

I got a hundred and twenty points in all.

Excellent score! Even better than last year. But that’s practising for you. You know what they always say: ‘Practice makes perfect.’