The Killer Cat's Christmas

5: Frog in a wedding dress

SO GUESS WHAT The Three Softies finally decided that they were going to do.

Yes. Just my luck. A show of nursery rhymes that have a cat in them. Is that tattered old book that you grew out of years ago still on your shelf? Shall we run through some of the sweet little baby songs your granny used to warble to you when you were still in nappies?

There’s ‘Ding Dong Bell, Pussy’s in the Well’, of course. Then there’s that merry old favourite, ‘Hey Diddle Diddle, the Cat and the Fiddle’. After that, there is the tragic tale of ‘Three Little Kittens who Lost their Mittens’. And ‘Pussy Cat, Pussy Cat, Where Have You Been?’

Not to mention the sickly, revolting, soppy and Ellie-ish one I really, really hoped they had forgotten: ‘I Love Little Pussy, Her Coat is So Warm’.

Guess which they started with.

That’s right. The one I hate the most. ‘I Love Little Pussy’.

Ellie was star of this show. The twins started bossing her about. ‘Ellie, sit in front of the tree so all the sparkly decorations twinkle around you.’

‘Be careful not to let Tuffy go. Remember what your dad said.’

‘Tip your head to one side, and smile.’

‘Spread out your skirts. You’ll look like a princess!’

Oh, I don’t think so! Ellie was dressed in that frilly-dilly party frock she grew out of years ago. If you want my opinion, she looked more like an overgrown cream puff than a princess.

The Two Big Dafties kept on rearranging her. ‘Put that arm more closely round Tuffy.’

‘And show your pretty ring. That’s right. Oh, Ellie! Now you look like something out of a fairy tale!’

(She did too. Like a frog in a wedding dress.)

They started in on me.

‘Stop struggling, Tuffy. Try to look happy for the show!’

I didn’t see why I should try to look happy. There I was, held too tight, and stuck under that stupid tree. Pine needles kept falling in my fur, and I was worried that the great fat lump of a Christmas fairy on the top would tumble through the branches on to my head. She’s far too big and heavy for the tree. But Ellie made her, way back in nursery school, so everyone has to pretend she isn’t the same shape as an exploding lavatory roll, and doesn’t have a face that makes her look more like a squashed tomato than a pretty fairy.