The Late Mr Shakespeare

Chapter Thirty-Three Why John Shakespeare liked to be called Jack

John Shakespeare always liked to be known as Jack among his cronies. He said that John was no name for a fortunate man. By way of example of what he meant, he would cite all the Popes who had used that name:

John I died in prison.

John II and John III were complete nonentities.

John IV was accused of heresy.

John V spent most of his pontificate in bed.

John VI and John VII were even bigger (or smaller?) nonentities than Johns II and III.

John VIII was held prisoner in St Peter's by Lambert, Duke of Spoleto. When he was released he adopted a young man called Boso as his son, and tried to get himself crowned as King of Italy. He did deals with Charles the Bald and Charles the Fat, giving them both the imperial crown, when this failed too. His last years were spent chiefly in hurling vain anathemas against his enemies. A transvestite, according to the annalist of Fulda, he was eventually murdered by members of his own household.

John IX had matted hair and fang-like teeth. He had to put up with a rival Pope called Sergius III. In any case, he spent most of his two-year reign inducing the council to determine that the consecration of all future Popes should take place only in the presence of the imperial legates. He was, in other words, a politician.

John X only became Pope through the wiles of Theodora, wife of Theophylact, the most powerful noble in Rome. This Pope was really a soldier. He took the field in person against the Saracens, slaughtering many with his own hands when he gained a famous victory on the banks of the Garigliano. All his hopes of a united Italy were dashed by the death of Berangar, and he pontificated over four years of increasing anarchy and confusion, before perishing through the intrigues of Marozia, Theodora's daughter.

John XI was the bastard son of the Marozia just mentioned and that papal pretender Sergius III who had made John IX's life such a religious misery. He was made Pope at the age of twenty-one only through the influence of his mother. He remained the mere exponent of her wishes until he was imprisoned with her in the Lateran by his half-brother Alberic, and died there.

John XII was Alberic's son. He succeeded his father as Pope at the age of sixteen. His original name was Octavian, but when he assumed the papal tiara he adopted the name of John - the first example, it is said, of the custom of taking a new name with elevation to the papal chair. This pseudo-John lacked all vigour, save in bed. His union of the papal office with his civic dignities proved a source of weakness rather than of strength. His scandalous private life made the Pope's name a byword of reproach. In order to protect his own position he called to his aid Otto the Great of Germany, to whom he granted the imperial crown. Even before Otto left Rome, however, John XII began to conspire against him, fearing his creature's power might now overshadow his own authority. His intrigues were discovered by Otto who returned to Rome and summoned a council which deposed John, who was hiding in the mountains of Campania. Leo VIII was elected in his stead. John XII returned to Rome at the head of a formidable company as soon as Otto had left, and caused Leo to seek safety in immediate flight. Otto determined to make an effort in support of Leo, who had blue eyes, but before he could reach the city John was assassinated.

John XIII, Leo's successor, was Otto's pawn. His submissive attitude towards the imperial power was so distasteful to the Romans that they expelled him from the city. On account of Otto's German threats, they permitted him shortly afterwards to return, upon which, with the sanction of his master, he took savage vengeance on those who had opposed him. He gave the imperial crown to Otto II in assurance of his succession to his father. He also crowned Theophano as empress because he liked the look of her.

John XIV was imperial chancellor of Otto II before his elevation to the papal chair. Otto died shortly after and John was deposed and placed in prison. He died incarcerated at the Castle of St Angelo, either by poison or starvation, no one knows.

(The Pope John who ruled for four months after John XIV is now omitted by the best authorities.)

John XV was entirely in the hands of the Empress Theophano. When she let him go, this Pope, whose venality and nepotism made him famous, died of fever before the arrival of Otto III, who elevated his own kinsman Bruno to the papal dignity.

John XVI was a Greek with five gold teeth, and a favourite of the Empress Theophano. His original name was Philagathus, which is no name for a Pope, but God knows why he took the name of John, given the terrible track record. He was wily and ambitious, but his treacherous intrigues aroused the wrath of Otto III. He died immured in a dungeon after enduring cruel and ignominous tortures at the hands of the emperor, whom he had cuckolded.

John XVII lasted only four months in the office.

John XVIII, a cross-patch, was during his whole pontificate the creature of the patrician John Crescentius. Ultimately he abdicated and retired to a monastery, where he soon died.

John XIX only took holy orders to enable him to ascend the papal chair. He spent the whole of his pontificate taking bribes. He died in full possession of his dignities, and was succeeded by his nephew, who was twelve years old.

John XX was only Pope for eight months before the roof of the palace he had built for himself at Viterbo fell down on his head.

John XXI was a magician.

John XXII was a tax collector, and was being tried for heresy when he died.

John XXIII was only antipope, but he was found guilty of enough deeds of immorality, tyranny, ambition, and simony to be deposed even from that pseudo-office. Before becoming antipope this John had been a pirate. His abilities were mainly administrative and military, although he did repent when at last caught out. He died on the 22nd of December 1419, and all visitors to the baptistery at Florence now admire, under its high baldacchino, the sombre figure sculptured by Donatello to the dethroned pontiff, who had at least the merit of bowing his head under his chastisement, and of contributing by his passive resignation to the extinction of the series of Popes which sprang from the council of Pisa, and the extinction at the same time of the series of Popes called John.

After that, Popes got the point of the name's unluckiness, and not a single one has taken it on.

My late wife Jane was once fucked by a fellow named John Pope. She never could resist a papal pizzle.

John Shakespeare used to say that one day there would be a Pope called Jack. Jack was a name he liked. Jack Straw. Jack Sprat. Jack and the Beanstalk. Jack the Giant Killer. That time in London, in the Nag's Head at the corner of Friday Street, he told me England's Christian name was Jack.

As for Pope Jack - Jack Shakespeare would have wagered on the possibility, he said, with his friend Fluellen, only he knew he wouldn't live long enough to collect.