The Love You Crave

11.

Ten Days Earlier… Maybe Taylor.

“Are you kidding me?”

“It’s the next logical step,” Dr. Scott says.

They’re in the bookcase-lined office Dr. Scott uses for their intimate discussions. Maybe has no idea how many rooms are in Dr. Scott’s building, but she’s seen three, which is probably half of them. What she’s never seen is a secretary or any other employee. That’s because Dr. Scott stopped accepting new patients shortly after scheduling Maybe. Truth is, she was lucky to get in. Between the lobby and this room, Dr. Scott has a workspace where he handled all their early-stage interviews.

Maybe and Dr. Scott are clearly past that stage today.

She studies the tray of dildos arranged vertically on the cabinet beside her recliner. There are six in all, ranging from tiny to enormous. Each is a different color. The smallest is the length and shape of a tampon, but half the diameter. That one’s yellow. Next size up is tampon-sized and light blue. Next is green, then pink, then red. The cucumber is purple. A small tube of sexual lubricant completes the display.

Maybe frowns.

Dr. Scott says, “What’s going through your mind right now?”

“You don’t want to know.”

“I need to know. If we’re to make progress here.”

“What’s going through my mind is I’m wondering if you really think I’m going to let you shove these disgusting things into me.”

“I normally let the patient introduce the devices as it suits her.”

“And what if it doesn’t suit me at all?”

“That’s always a matter of your choice. But as we’ve discussed-”

“I know what we’ve discussed. We’ve discussed it endlessly! And now that we’ve spent an hour a day for six weeks talking about the physical and mental implications of vaginismus, you’ve somehow come to the conclusion today’s the day I’m supposed to spread my legs and give you a vertical smile?”

“It’s not a matter of exposing yourself. It’s a matter of taking the next logical step forward in your treatment.”

“So now we enter phase two,” Maybe says.

“If you wish to call it that, I won’t quibble.”

“I’d call it the rape phase.”

Dr. Scott sighs. “Let’s take a step back to consider the effect the mere presence of these devices is having on you.”

“Yeah, let’s do that,” Maybe says. “What if I brought out the same tray and told you to shove them up your ass while I watch?”

“There would be no purpose served by that exercise.”

Maybe stares at the purple dildo and comes to the conclusion it’s actually larger than it first appeared, if such could be possible.

“You must treat farm animals,” she says.

“What draws you to that conclusion?”

Maybe points to the tray. “Mr. Purple.”

Dr. Scott follows her gaze. “Perhaps I should remind you how babies enter the world.”

“Don’t waste your breath. I can’t get a tampon inside me, let alone a penis. So you can put Mr. Purple back in the sack with the rest of your baseball gear.”

“Mr. Purple, as you call the device, is simply here to give you a visual perspective of what’s possible. It also serves the purpose of showing you how small our goal is for today.”

“And what is the goal for today?”

“We’ll introduce the smallest device today, and introduce it repeatedly, until we’re completely comfortable. Tomorrow we’ll continue working with it. Eventually, we’ll work our way up to the larger sizes.”

“I notice you’re saying ‘we.’”

“Yes, of course. I’m your doctor. We’re achieving this goal together.”

“Your part sounds awfully damn easy.”

“In what way?”

“You get paid two hundred dollars an hour to watch me play with myself.”

Dr. Scott frowns.

Maybe says, “I assume you intend to watch?”

“As we’ve discussed numerous times, I’m not a voyeur. I need to observe what happens to you physically in order to judge your reaction emotionally. We don’t have to do this today, if you’d rather not. But if not now, when?”

They go back and forth like this for ten minutes before Dr. Scott brings her two gowns.

“What’s the second one for?” she asks.

“To place beneath you on the recliner.”

“Do I have to take my top off?”

“No. I’ll leave the room while you get undressed.”

“Just turn your head.”

He does.

As she disrobes from the waist down, she says, “This is bullshit.”

“How so?”

“There’s no benefit to the gown. The whole point is for you to stare at my vagina while I try to insert the yellow dildo.”

Maybe first heard of vaginismus six months ago, when she finally sat down with her OBGYN for a heart-to-heart. It took her another six weeks to get up the courage to talk to a specialist about it. According to Dr. Scott, vaginismus is a reflex of the PC muscle that causes the vagina to suddenly tense, making any type of vaginal penetration painful or impossible. It’s a condition that prevents Maybe from having any type of vaginal penetration, including inserting a tampon, receiving a gynecological exam, and of course, having sexual intercourse. Nothing enters the V.

Wasn’t always that way.

That’s what makes it so frustrating. Two years ago Maybe had no problems with this. She was able to use tampons, receive proper exams, enjoy sex a time or two-was in all respects going through life happy as a bearded clam. But then something happened. Something psychological, according to Maybe’s OBGYN.

Dr. Scott spent six weeks testing that theory, during which time Maybe has made exactly no progress on her own while playing the home version of the game. Now it’s time to test the physiological response in a clinical atmosphere. According to Dr. Scott, Maybe isn’t shutting her vaginal doors on purpose. The vaginismic affect is similar to the way your eyes involuntarily close when you sneeze, or when an object comes flying toward them. The degree of pain varies from one patient to the next when penetration is attempted, but Maybe’s pain is intolerable.

“You can turn around now,” she tells him.

He turns and scoots his chair closer and takes a position directly in front of her.

Maybe says, “What, no table and stirrups?”

“In my experience, the recliner is comfortable, and far less clinical. Our objective is to improve your everyday life, not condition you solely to accept gynecological examinations.”

Maybe takes a deep breath, closes her eyes, and slowly lifts her gown. She remains that way for half a minute, feeling the tears spilling from the corners of her eyes. She slowly separates her legs until her ankles are three feet apart. She opens her eyes and sees Dr. Scott staring at her private area.

Which causes her tears to flow twice as hard.

He hands her the yellow dildo.

“Do you have any idea how embarrassing this is for me?” Maybe says.

“I do.” he says.

“ Do you?”