The Love You Crave

43.

Maybe laughs. “You’re funny. In a non-comedic sort of way.”

“Thanks,” Sam says.

“Are you really going through with it?”

“The divorce?”

“Yes.”

“I am. Rachel’s in love with someone else. I may as well let her get on with her life.”

“And you just now decided this?”

“I hadn’t considered her feelings till now. I was too angry at her for cheating on me.”

Sam puts the phone on the nightstand and lies down beside her on the bed. She hands him the dilator. “I believe this belongs to you.”

He puts it in his mouth.

“Eew,” she says.

He places it on the night stand and says, “I love you. I’ve loved you for months.”

She’s under the sheet, naked from the waist down. He’s lying above the covers, fully clothed. They remain quiet a long time before Maybe breaks the silence. “I’m not going to be your girlfriend. You know that, don’t you?”

He sighs. “Is it completely impossible for us to have a romantic relationship?”

“Completely.”

“What if we were the last two people on Earth?”

“Even then.”

“So it’s hopeless?”

“Look into my face.”

He does.

“I will never love you.”

“Can I ask why?”

“There are too many reasons to list. But I want someone special, someone who makes me all giddy and girly. I want to have children someday, and a husband with a normal job.”

“You’d be bored shitless.”

“Maybe I would, eventually. But it’d be fun to live the fairy tale for as long as it works.”

“Trust me, the fairy tale’s a myth. That’s why they call it a fairy tale.”

“See? That’s another reason it wouldn’t work between us. You’re too negative.”

“You’re right.”

“You agree?”

“Yes. But here’s the thing.”

He pauses.

“I’m listening.”

“What if the world’s most perfect guy comes along, and you can’t perform?”

“Sexually?”

“Yes. What if there’s a point in your relationship when you want to give him everything, but you can’t, because of the pain, or the fear of pain, whether it’s psychological, physiological, or both. I can’t think of anything sadder than losing the man of your dreams because you can’t give him intimacy.”

“You can’t, huh?”

“I’m being serious.”

“What’s your point?”

“My point is when Mr. Right enters your life, you need to be ready for him. And what I mean by that is you need to feel comfortable. You need to feel confident about your sexuality, and there’s only one way that can be achieved.”

“And what way is that?”

“Practice.”

Maybe bursts into laughter. Her whole body shakes as her laughter cascades from her throat and bounces off the furniture. Tears start to form in her eyes.

“What is so fucking funny?” Sam says.

“You’re the most manipulative bastard I’ve ever met!” she says, then laughs again.

“I admit it. But that doesn’t make me wrong.”

“Yes it does! That’s exactly what makes you wrong.”

“Think about it,” Sam says. “Who could possibly be better to help you get through this? I’m the only man in your life who knows about your sexual issues, and the only person who’s managed to get you dilated without pain. I’ve followed every step of your treatment. I’ve seen you naked. I’ve touched you.”

“Inappropriately!”

“Yes! And that’s behind us, now.”

“You’re insane.”

“We’ve known each other nearly a year. I understand what makes you tick. I’ve invested more than a quarter million dollars turning you into the person you are today. And regardless of what happens, I’m going to continue employing and supporting you, if you let me. And have I mentioned I adore you? I do. And I love you, too, as you know full well. And the best part of all?”

“Yeah?”

“You’ve told me how things are going to be between us, and how they’ll be in the future. And I’m okay with it! I’ll be the guy who loves you, takes care of you, talks to you day and night, for any reason, anytime you wish. I’ll be the guy who makes it possible for you to give yourself to the man of your dreams. And the minute you’re ready to do so, I’ll step aside.”

Maybe shakes her head.

“What?” Sam says.

“I don’t believe any part of it.”

“You know what?”

“What?”

“That’s okay too. But let me ask you this: what have you got to lose?”

“Apart from my dignity and self-respect?”

“Yes.”

She thinks about it a minute. Then surprises him by saying, “Out of curiosity, let’s see what you look like without your clothes.”