The Old Genie Hottabych

THE STORY TOLD BY THE CONDUCTOR

“I woke you up just to tell you that a very strange thing has happened in our car.

“Well, I made up the beds for the passengers, the same as always, and the ones in Compartment 7, too. The passengers there were a bearded old bird in an old-fashioned straw boater and two boys. The boys looked about the same age. And what do you think: not a single piece of luggage !No, sir, not a single one!

“Just then, one of the boys, a blond freckled lad, says:

“ ‘Can you please tell us where the dining car is?’

“And I says, ‘I’m sorry, but we don’t have a dining car, There’ll be tea and crackers in the morning.’

“Then the boy looks at the old man and the old man winks at him. So the boy says, ‘Never mind, we’ll manage without your tea, since you haven’t a dining car.’

“ ‘Ha,’ I thought, ‘I’d like to see how you’ll make out all the way to Odessa without my tea.’ So I came back here to our compartment, but I left a chink in the door when I closed it.

“Everyone in the car was sound asleep, having sweet dreams, but all the time there was buzz-buzz-buzz coming from Compartment 7 — they kept on talking and whispering all the time. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but I can tell you for sure they were talking.

“Then suddenly their door opens and the same old man sticks out his head. He didn’t notice me watching him so he pushed his old hat back. And what d’you think he did? Upon my word, I’m tellin’ the truth! He pulled a fistful of hair from his beard — may I drop dead on the spot if he didn’t!

“ ‘Goodness,’ I thought, ‘he’s crazy! Just my luck to get a madman while I’m on duty.’ Well, I didn’t say anything and waited to see what’d happen.

“Well, the old man tore this same fistful of hair into little pieces, then he threw this litter on the floor and mumbled something. I felt more and more sure he was mad and that I’d have to put him off at Bryansk , no doubt about it.

“ ‘Well,’ I thought, ‘there’ll be no end of worry! Why, maybe he’ll start attacking the passengers this very minute, or breaking the windows!’

“No, he didn’t start any trouble, but just stood there mumbling. After he mumbled a while more, he went back into his compartment.

“All of a sudden I heard someone walking barefoot down the passage, coming from behind. That meant whoever it was had come in from the platform. I sure was surprised, because I always lock the platforms when we pull out of a station. Well, I looked round, and — upon my sacred word of honour, I’m telling the truth! — I saw four young fellows coming towards me from the platform. They were as sunburned as vacationers and quite naked. All they had on were little cloths round their hips. And barefoot. As skinny as could be! You could count every rib.

“I came out of our compartment and said, ‘Citizens, I believe you’ve got your cars mixed. All our compartments are occupied.’

“And they all answered together, ‘Silence, infidel! We know where we’re going! We’ve come exactly to the place we want.’

“So I says, ‘Then I’d like to see your tickets, please.’

“And they all said together again, ‘Don’t annoy us, foreigner, for we are hurrying to our lord and master!’

“So I says, ‘I’m surprised that you call me a foreigner. I’m a Soviet citizen and I’m in my own country. That’s for one. And in the second place, we haven’t had any masters here since the Revolution. That,’ I said, ‘is in the second place.’

“So their leader says, ‘You should be ashamed, infidel! You are taking advantage of the fact that our hands are occupied and we therefore cannot kill you for your terrible insolence. It , is most dishonourable of you to take advantage of us so.’

“I forgot to tell you that they were piled high with all sorts of food. One was carrying a heavy tray with roast lamb and rice. Another had a huge basket of apples, pears, apricots and grapes.

The third one was balancing something that looked like a pitcher on his head, and something was splashing inside the pitcher. The fourth was holding two large platters of meat pies and pastries. To tell you the truth, I just stood there gaping.

“Then the leader says, ‘Infidel, you’d do better to show us where Compartment 7 is, for we are in a hurry to fulfil our orders.’

“Then I began to put two and two together and asked, ‘What does your boss look like? Is he a little old man with a beard?’

“ ‘Yes, that is he. That is whom we serve.’

“I showed them to Compartment 7, and on the way I said, ‘I’ll have to fine your boss for letting you travel without tickets. Have you been working for him long?’

“So the leader says, ‘We’ve been serving him for three thousand five hundred years.”

“To tell you the truth, I thought I didn’t hear him right. So I says again, ‘How many years did you say?’

“ ‘You heard me, that’s exactly how long we’ve served him — three thousand five hundred years.’

“The other three nodded.

“ ‘Good gracious,’ I thought, ‘as if one crazy man wasn’t enough — now I have four more on my neck!’

“But I went on talking to them as I would to any normal passengers. ‘What a shame! Look how many years you’ve been working for him and he can’t even get you some ordinary overalls. If you’ll pardon the expression, you’re absolutely naked.’

“So the leader says, ‘We don’t need overalls. We don’t even know what they are.’

“ ‘It’s strange to hear that coming from someone who’s worked so many years. I guess you’re from far away. Where d’you live?’

“ ‘We’ve just come from Ancient Arabia.’

“Then I says, ‘Well, that clears everything up. Here’s Compartment 7. Knock on the door.’

“Just then, the same little old man comes out and all his men fall to their knees and stretch out the food and drinks they’ve brought. But I called the old man off to a side and said, ‘Are these your employees?’

“ ‘Yes, they are.’

“ ‘They have no tickets. That means you have to pay a fine. Will you pay it?’

“ ‘Right away, if you wish. But won’t you first tell me what a fine is?’

“I saw the old man was being sensible, so I began to explain things in a whisper, ‘One of your men has gone out of his mind: he says he’s been working for you for three thousand five hundred years. I’m sure you’ll agree he’s crazy.’

“Then the old man says, ‘I cannot agree, since he is not lying. Yes, that’s right — three thousand five hundred years. Even a little longer, since I was only two hundred or two hundred and thirty when I became their master.’

“So I says to him, ‘Stop making a fool of me! It doesn’t become your age. If you don’t pay the fine immediately, I’ll put them off at the next station. And, anyway, you look like a suspicious character, going on such a long journey without any luggage.’

“ ‘What’s luggage?’

“ ‘You know, bundles, suitcases and such stuff.’

“The old man laughed and said, ‘Why are you inventing things, O conductor? Saying that I have no luggage. Just look at the shelves.’

“I looked up at the luggage racks and they were jammed! I’d looked a moment before and there hadn’t been anything there, and suddenly — just imagine! — so many suitcases and bundles!

“Then I said, ‘Something’s wrong here. Pay the fine quickly and I’ll bring the chief conductor over at the next stop. Let him decide. I can’t understand what’s going on.’

“The old man laughed again. ‘What fine?’ says he. ‘Whom do I have to pay a fine for?’

“Then I really got angry. I turned around and pointed to the passage, but there was no one there! I ran up and down the whole car, but couldn’t find a trace of my four stray passengers.

“Then the old man said, ‘O conductor, you had better go back to your own compartment.’ And so I went back.

“Now d’you understand why I woke you up? Don’t you believe me?”

An hour before the train arrived in Odessa , the conductor entered Compartment 7 to remove the bedding. Hottabych treated him to some apples.

It was quite apparent that the man did not remember anything of the incident which had taken place the night before.

After he had left their compartment, Zhenya said with admiration: “I must admit, Volka is a bright chap!”

“I should think so!” Hottabych exclaimed. “Volka ibn Alyosha is unquestionably an excellent fellow and his suggestion is worthy of great praise.”

Since the reader might not be too clear on the meaning of this short conversation, we hurry to explain.

When the completely confused conductor left Compartment 7 the previous night, Volka said to Hottabych, “Can you do something to make him forget what’s happened?”

“Why, O Volka ibn Alyosha, that’s as simple as pie.”

“Then please do it and as quickly as possible. He’ll go to sleep then, and when he wakes up in the morning he won’t remember anything.”

“Excellent, O treasure-store of common sense!” Hottabych said admiringly, waved his hand and made the conductor forget everything.