The Pornographer Diaries

19. Court rogering

You know, I always wondered if there was a God upstairs who looked down over of us. Well, now I know for a fact there is – and he has a really creative sense of humour.

‘Okay, I’ve spoken to the clerk and told him that you’re all here so we just have to wait for our case to be called. Don’t go wandering too far away because if we miss our turn we’ll get bumped to the end of the day’s business,’ Samantha told me, Tanya and Cindy.

You may remember that I’d met Samantha before. She was my femmy solicitor friend from the Philip Goss party and I was the evil skin trader. Well here she was now representing me and two of the women I exploited. She didn’t choose to take us on, moreover, she was ‘asked’ to by her boss as she was the firm’s only woman and it was felt a female representative might look better to the bench. I know this because she told me three days earlier when we all went to see her. But hey, you know, what could she do? I suppose she could’ve claimed a conflict of interests and explained to the senior partner that representing such a person went against her high moral principles but, considering she’d sucked her senior partner off more times than he’d had hot and salty dinners just to get the job, I don’t suppose that would’ve cut much mayonnaise. Besides, solicitors didn’t have to like their clients and I doubt there were too many that did.

‘Isn’t she that bird you were chatting up at that party?’ Paddy asked, as Samantha walked away. Paddy, Matt, Hasseem and even Hazel had all come along for support. Also, Paddy had a little camera with him and he figured he’d try and get a few shots of Tanya and Cindy quickly whipping their bits out when no one was looking and get a spread out of it for the mag. Unbelievably, Tanya and Cindy agreed (for a fee) and had already slipped out of their panties and done a couple of shots on the steps outside.

‘Yeah, that’s her,’ I replied.

‘Nice arse,’ he commented. ‘You reckon I can get a couple of shots of her with the girls?’

‘What for Ace? Oh yeah, I’m sure she’d love that,’ I replied sarcastically.

‘You never know,’ he said.

‘Ask her anyway. It’ll be a laugh whatever.’

‘All right, hang on here, I’ll go and have a word,’ he said and I watched him jump up out of his seat and go after her. I was looking forward to seeing her reaction but at that moment I was distracted by someone walking past who I knew would be well up for anything I could think of.

‘Hello. WPC Kensington, isn’t it?’ I said, outstretching my hand. WPC Kensington shook it and gave me a polite smile.

‘Hello Godfrey, how are you?’

‘Oh fine. And you? I haven’t seen you since the day you arrested me,’ I told everyone within earshot.

‘Yes, that’s right, you haven’t,’ she confirmed, unbelievably stilted. We looked around and saw Matt staring at the both of us suspiciously. A lengthy awkward silence followed before WPC Kensington explained that she had to go, but she’d see me in court later, so I said ‘cheerio’ and wondered if this was a good time to ask her if she still wanted me to wee all over her face.

‘Well, I’ll be off then,’ she said, then added quietly, ‘I’ll give you a call next week’ and wandered away.

‘What’s going on there?’ Matt asked, when I sat back down.

‘I’ll explain later,’ I told him, and I’d need to as I had a couple of photos for him, but I didn’t really want to get them out here.

The day dragged on, as days sat around waiting have a tendency to do. The morning turned into lunchtime, lunchtime turned into pub-time and pub-time unfortunately turned into afternoon, so it was all back to the magistrates court to sit around and wait some more. Happily though, we all had a healthy glow about us now and those few beers (or in the case of Tanya and Cindy, four G&Ts each) made a boring few hours a little more bearable.

I was up and wandering around, just to stretch my legs, when I walked past the toilets and Tanya emerged.

‘Hey Godfrey, have you got the camera?’ she asked, looking from side to side.

‘No, Paddy’s got it.’

‘Go and get it. I’ll wait here.’

I thought what she wanted was to do a couple of shots by the bog door but when I returned she bundled me into the ladies and then into one of the cubicles.

‘It’s all right, they’re all empty. Let’s do a few rude shots,’ she said, hitching up her skirt and spreading her legs. I know I should’ve refused and told her she was going to get us both nicked again, but sometimes you just have to do these things, don’t you? Besides, I was bored out of my mind so taking pictures of Tanya’s smoo was a nice distraction.

She stood on the seat and squatted down as I dropped between her legs and started SNAPPING away.

‘Do pink,’ I told her and she spread herself with one hand while balancing against the cubicle wall with the other. ‘Nice,’ I whispered as I took more shots.

‘You like?’ she said, slipping a finger inside herself then wiping it over my face.

We both giggled and tried to be as quiet as we could but neither of us could help ourselves as she clattered and slid all over the plastic seat. The situation was so preposterous, here we were in the court bogs, doing exactly the thing that had landed us in court in the first place. Jesus, if we got nicked for this they really would throw the book at us, but to hell with it, this really was something I was going tell my grandchildren about – if my kids let me.

I don’t know which of us instigated it or how it came about, but before I’d shot more than half a dozen pictures, I had my pants around my ankles and was doing Tanya hard up against the door.

‘Yeah yeah. Fuck me, yeah,’ she panted, and I was half-tempted to answer, ‘I am’. Suddenly, I didn’t care if anyone heard us or not, I was banging an absolutely stunning porn model and everyone else could go to hell. I knew for a fact – for a fact – that I’d never have anyone this gorgeous again so I wasn’t stopping for anyone until the deed was well and truly done. Life was all downhill from this moment on anyway.

They could bang me up for five years after this, I wouldn’t care.

Tanya’s breath smelt sweet on my face and she smiled mischievously as I piled in up her for all I was worth. Her body was firm and light and she complied to my every touch like a pro. Wow, this was great! This was amazing, I kept thinking to myself. First Tanya and Cindy noshing me off, then WPC Kensington, and now this. I think it was safe to say I was experiencing something of a purple patch and loving every second of it. Thank you God. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

‘Oohh, you’re pretty good you know, Godfrey.’ I can’t remember if she actually said this or not but I thought I’d chuck it in anyway.

Tanya ruffled up my hair with her fingers as we kissed and at, one point, I couldn’t tell which was my tongue and which was hers.

This was great! This was fucking great!

Tanya transferred her attention to my ears and the pair of us almost went crashing to the ground.

The sudden unexpectedness of the whole situation combined with the thrill of doing something really wrong (and really fucking stupid) had the two of us overdosing on adrenaline. I’d heard the expression, ‘drunk with lust’ before but I’d never really known what it had meant until this moment.

It’s something I can whole-heartedly recommend.

‘You’re so big, Godfrey,’ Tanya probably said.

Reality came crashing back with a knock on the cubicle door. Tanya and I froze in mid-thrust and we barely dared to breathe. After a moment or two, Tanya shouted out, ‘Won’t be a minute, just going to the toilet,’ then she looked into my eyes and did something I’ll take to the grave with me. It might not sound much to you, considering what else we’d been doing, but it’s the thing I think about most whenever I revisit that afternoon in my mind – there we were, against the cubicle doors, our bodies entwined and breathless with passion, and she leaned forward and planted the tiniest, most gentle little kiss on my lips.

It was a moment of genuine true affection and I loved her deeply for it.

‘Tanya?’ a voice asked from the other side of the door.

‘Yes?’ Tanya replied her eyes fixed to mine.

‘Who have you got in there with you? Is Godfrey in there with you?’ she asked and I recognised it as Samantha’s voice.

‘No,’ Tanya told her and gave me another little kiss.

Samantha went into the next cubicle, climbed up on the bog seat, as was the vogue of the day, and peered over the wall at us.

‘What the bloody hell are you two doing?’ she demanded.

‘Making babies,’ I told her, and me and Tanya laughed.

‘Get the hell out of there right now, if anyone catches you you’ll be strung up.’

I considered this – not for very long admittedly – then told her, ‘I haven’t finished yet’.

Tanya smiled at that and slowly we started grinding again.

‘I don’t give a shit, get out of there!’ Samantha said.

‘Not a chance,’ Tanya replied, responding to my every touch.

‘I’ll get the Clerk of Courts if you don’t stop that right now,’ Samantha threatened, so I told her she could go and get Lawrence of Arabia if she wanted; I wasn’t stopping for anything.

‘Look, you’re our representation,’ Tanya said, looking up at her. ‘So go and represent us by keeping a look-out.’

‘This is madness, you can’t do this,’ she said.

‘Watch us,’ I told her, mildly excited at the thought.

‘Christ al-bloody-mighty...’ Samantha ranted to herself, clambering off the toilet seat and out of the cubicle. ‘Are you coming or what?’

‘Not just yet,’ I said, driving in and out of Tanya with mounting urgency. ‘But I will be soon.’

‘I mean it, I’ll go and get the Clerk.’

‘No you won’t.’

That seemed to take the wind out of Samantha’s sails because she dithered about for a few moments longer then said, ‘Well, just bloody hurry up then’.

‘Will do, keep an eye out for us will you, we won’t be long.’

‘No, I don’t think we will,’ Tanya gasped by way of a reply. ‘Oh yes!’ she moaned. ‘Oh yes, that’s it. Oh God.’

It’s funny, she hadn’t been that vocal before Samantha had appeared but all of a sudden she couldn’t keep her trap shut.

‘Oh yeah. Oh no. Don’t stop. That’s fantastic,’ Tanya told me and Samantha. ‘Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Oh God. No. No. No. Yes. No. Oh fuck!’

I didn’t have a clue what she was going on about, all I knew was that I was getting rave reviews and you can’t argue with that.

‘Oh God. Oh God. Oh God,’ she kept on crying. ‘Yes yes yes. Oh God yes, that’s it, I’m going to come. Oh yes, don’t stop that. Harder. Harder. Ooooohhhhhh!’ she howled in my ear, tensing up and crashing against the door, before going all limp on me.

Suddenly there was no stopping me, I was like a jackrabbit on Viagra and I slammed her against the door again and again and again. Tanya could only hold on for the ride as I galloped up the last straight and headed for the finishing line. She bit my ears, kissed my neck and made short work of my carefully gelled-hair until eventually, with one final deep thrust, I exploded inside her.

‘Oh YES!’ one of us called out, though to this day I’ve no idea who.

We stayed in that position for a few brief heavenly seconds as the endorphins washed over us, and kissed her one last time before reluctantly disengaging.

Jesus, I was absolutely done in as I tried to straighten myself up. I don’t know quite how to describe it. I guess the only way would be like this; you know how when you go swimming and you’re not very fit? You do ten lengths of the pool and just about manage it, but when you go to get out of the water you can barely stand? Well that was me opening the cubicle door, all slack-jawed and wobbly kneed. Tanya looked fit to drop herself and when we emerged, the gobsmacked look on Samantha’s face was worth all the curry in India.

I staggered past her without stopping, but gave her a little wink as I exited the bog. Behind me, just as the door was swinging shut, I heard Tanya tell Samantha, ‘Now that boy knows what he’s doing’.

And this time, she really did say it.

*

About ten minutes later, out in the waiting hall, Samantha asked me if she could have a quiet word. I prepared myself for a long stern lecture, but instead she just handed me a plain envelope and told me I’d dropped it in the ladies.

‘I didn’t know who’s it was so I had to look inside. Isn’t that that policewoman?’ she asked, as I checked all the photos were there.

‘Oh, yes. Thank you. Don’t say anything to anyone okay? You could get her into a lot of trouble.’

Samantha racked her brain for the right words, though in the end all she could manage was, ‘I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. How do you do it?’

Most of my life I’ve been a plank, but there are some moments, just very occasionally, when I surprise even myself at just how cool I can be. I know it was corny and a cliché but I took then envelope, tucked it into my pocket and replied, ‘Why don’t I tell you over dinner some time, once we get all this nonsense out of the way?’

Samantha stared at me, absolutely lost for words. I have no idea what she was thinking because at that moment our case was called and we had other things to concentrate our minds on.

All I know is that she didn’t say no.

Paddy, Matt, Hasseem and Hazel wished us all luck and went and found seats at the back of the court, and WPC Kensington gave me a smile of encouragement as we took our places for kick-off. Samantha saw this and again looked at me in complete confusion.

‘All rise,’ some bloke said, so we all did.

Mine was the first name he read out and I was asked to confirm my name and address. He then asked me my occupation and I was about to say ‘unemployed’ when I remembered that Moonlight were picking up the tab so I could be as cocky as I liked.

He asked me again when he didn’t get an answer straight away and a broad smile broke out across my face. I looked back at Paddy and the lads and suddenly I knew the answer I had to give. All eyes in the court stared at me as they waited for me to reply and when I did a cheer went up behind me.

‘Pornographer,’ I told them.