The Pornographer Diaries

Epilogue: Seriously, are the letters really real?

Dear Bling,

I’m not sure if you can help me but I was thinking about selling my body to females for sex and I’m not sure how to go about it. How do I set myself up as a prostitute and what should I charge? I would like to do this but I don’t know how viable this idea is as I will be 60 years old this year and I think perhaps, if girls are having to pay for it, they might want someone with a younger body. Your advice would be much valued.

John, Birmingham

Dear Tanya,

Please could you answer the following questions and return this form in the envelope provided? Just cross out the answer you don’t want.

1. Would you like to play with my cock? YES — NO

2. Would you like children? YES — NO

3. How many? 1? 2? 3? 4? 5? More?

4. Can I be there at the birth? YES — NO

5. Would you shave my cock for me? YES — NO

6. Can I shave yours? YES — NO

7. Can I spank you? YES — NO

8. Will you spank me? YES — NO

9. When would you like me to come to London? _______

10. Can you help me? YES — NO

11. Can I suck your toes? YES — NO

12. Will you push your tongue in my ass? YES — NO

13. Can I do it to you? YES — NO

14. Will you finger my ass, then fist it? YES — NO

15. Can I do it to you? YES — NO

16. Can I fuck you in the pussy over and over again? YES — NO

17. How about your ass? YES — NO

18. Can I drink your pee? YES — NO

19. Will you drink mine? YES — NO

20. Will you marry me? YES — NO

21. How soon? _______

I look forward to reading your responses Tanya. Take care my darling. I’ll be thinking of you (while I’m wanking).

Hugh, Manchester

Dear Gemma,

I saw you for the first time this week and think you’re fab. I would like to eat and drink out of you. I would also like to give you an enema and put a see-through pair of knickers on you and watch you go to the toilet. I don’t get enough sex off my wife and use brothels but I still can’t get someone to do this for me. I am 46 years old (though I only look 37) and I am a long distance lorry driver who owns my own wagon. If you are interested in doing this for me I will make it worth your while. If not, could you arrange it?

Glen, Stoke

Dear Bling,

I like your sexy letters in Bling and would like to add one of my own. I’m a young white male aged 25. Last year I lost my virginity with a 20 year old girl who I was fucking for the first time, but to tell the truth it was pretty shit. For starters (1) she did not scream out when I spunked and (2) she did not get pregnant. (3) I asked her for a blow-job and she said no because I didn’t have any condoms and she would not swallow my spunk. All I got was a kiss on the cock and that was just boring so I didn’t bother doing her back. We just had sex and I sucked on her tits and chewed on her nipples but no milk came out of them. She is only 20 years old but weighs 20 stone already. True story. Her name is XXXXX and she lives at XXXXX. Next time I want to fuck one of your models like Claire. Please send me her address so I can fuck her.

Baz, Sheffield

Dear Tanya,

Fucking hell!!! How are you? I hope you are in good health and happy. My name is David. I am 26, single and my hobbies are smoking spliffs, drinking Hungarian red country wine and watching TV (soaps, boxing, football, porno). What are your hobbies Tanya? I like to buy Bling and look at your lovely body. You are so perfect and lovely and I only ever wank over your pictures Tanya. What is your favourite colour? My favourite colour is black & white. What films do you like? I like Slut Woman and Cum Shot Starlets and Saving Private Ryan. That’s all the news for now. Bye my love. Write back soon.

David, Devon

Dear Bling,

Please can you get more photos of naked newsreaders? Me and the lads in my regiment have just returned from the Gulf where we saw stacks of top quality female reporters and some of them looked well up for it (a bit boring though). Fiona Bruce on the news and Sophie Raithworth are particularly edible, is there any chance of seeing them bent over the news desk with their arses stuffed full of cock? Tell them it’s for the lads in Sangin if that’ll help. They’re always talking about us all the time so perhaps it’s now time for them to shut up and give something back. Carol Vorderman is another popular celeb with the lads. I’d like to see her with my cock in her gob while my mate Taffy fucks her in the arse. See how she likes those numbers. Or perhaps getting fucked by a load of lads against the Countdown clock as it ticks down. When it gets to the bottom, everyone hoses her down with her mouth open. Another of my mates, Brian reckons he’s still got a thing about ABBA. He says he’d like to see those two sorts getting fucked by the rest of the band like in a porno movie, though he doesn’t want them to play any of their records. Not sure if this one is possible and besides, they’re probably knocking on a bit these days so who wants to see that (other than Brian). Keep up the good work from all the boys. Looking forward to your next issue already but for now, I just have to go and clean a few goat herders out of the tank tracks.

Mullet, BFPO

Dear Jerry,

I am your biggest fan and would really like to do a photoshoot with you. Please reply to me and we can arrange this for real. I have spoken to Don at Bling and he says it is fine and we can do a photoshoot with each other and so I am now just waiting for you to call. I have a very big dick and I am really great at sex. Please please please reply to me now and this can actually happen. I have enclosed a picture of myself wanking myself off all over you in the magazine so you can see I am serious about this (just imagine how fantastic this would be for real????). I also enclosed a SAE so that you don’t have to buy a stamp and also a phone card if you want to call me on the phone instead. I very much look forward to hearing from you soon. Your biggest fan.

Colin, London

Dear Traci,

You look like a right dirty sort. Don’t worry, I mean this as a compliment. At the moment I am stopping on at one of Her Majesty’s hotels as I used to be a bit like Batman, as in I couldn’t go out without robbin’. Fingers crossed though, I’ll be out this time next year. We should get together when I get out, I don’t mind travelling. It would make a nice change in fact. Please send me a picture for my wall? Can you sign it and write something on it like, ‘To Bex, the best bloke in all the world, nobody does it better’? Looking forward to seeing my release on you. Ta.

Bex, HMP Erlestoke

#

BY THE SAME AUTHOR

BOOKS

The Burglar Diaries

The Bank Robber Diaries

The Hitman Diaries

The Pornographer Diaries

Milo’s Marauders

Milo’s Run

School for Scumbags

Blue Collar

More Burglar Diaries

The Henchmen’s Book Club

The Monster Man of Horror House

Infidelity for Beginners

The No.1 Zombie Detective Agency

TELEVISION

Thieves Like Us (2007)

FILM

Wild Bill (2012)

STAGE

The Pornographer Diaries: the play

Killera Dienasgramata (Latvia)

Danny King was born in Slough in 1969 and later grew up in Hampshire. He has worked as a hod carrier, a supermarket shelf stacker, a painter & decorator, a postman and a magazine editor and today uses this rich smörgåsbord of experiences to dodge all of the above. He lives in Chichester with wife, Jeannie and two children and divides his time between writing and wondering what to write about. For details of his other books go to dannykingbooks.com.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

My thanks to John Williams, Pete Ayrton, Serpent’s Tail, Clive & Jo Andrews, Jeannie King, Robin King, Ross Beasley, Brian McCann, Steve Pickwell and all the scribes, models and photographers I used to work with at Paul Raymond Publications all those years ago. This book wouldn’t be what it is without you all.

REVIEWS

If you enjoyed this book, please consider posting a review on Amazon or elsewhere as every mention really helps.

TYPOS

Every care has been taken to proof-read this ebook, but should you find any typos (and can remember when they are) please email me via my website, dannykingbooks.com, and I’ll add your name to the acknowledgements as a thank you.

FOR

Jim Hundleby, Andrew Emery, Nat Saunders, Barrie Smith, Chris Hayward, Ben Ashby, Pete Cashmore and Pete Shirley – friends, colleagues and pornographers one and all.

#