The Rules of Attraction

SEAN I drive to New Hampshire and find myself back on campus, looking for Lauren, remember my mouth on her neck, her arms around me. I go to her room but she’s not there. Roxanne’s in the living room of Canfield and tells me that Rupert wants to talk to me, that he’s after my ass. I end up in The Pub but she’s not there either. Neither are too many other people, most of them probably at a party somewhere. I order a beer. There are around fifteen people in The Pub tonight, either sitting at tables or standing next to the video games, a couple of girls standing by the jukebox, two Freshmen sitting by themselves in the corner discussing movies. I pay for the beer and sit at an empty table near the video games. I realize with depressing crystal clarity that I have slept with three of the girls in The Pub tonight.

One of them is standing by the jukebox. Susan is standing at the bar. The other one is the girl Freshman sitting on the couch talking with her friend. And I tell myself that I’m going to avoid random one-night stands after Friday night parties, and drunken meaningless fucks on slow Saturday nights and I realize I don’t want anyone but Lauren. “Heaven,” sad Talking Heads plays from the jukebox. I get depressed. Susan walks over.

“Hi, Sean,” she says.

“Hi, Susan,” I say, hoping she won’t sit down.

“Going to the party?” she asks, smiling, not sitting.

“Yeah. Maybe,” I shrug. “After I finish this beer.”

She looks around the room. “Yeah. I hear it’s pretty good.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Where’s Lauren?” she asks.

“Probably there. I guess.”

“Oh,” Susan says. “I heard you two were having some trouble.”

“No.” I shake my head. “Not at all. Where did you hear that?”

“Oh, around.”

“Well no,” I say. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Okay.”

“Great.” I take a sip of beer and wonder how many people know about this; how many care?

“Well, I’ll see you at the party maybe later, okay?” she asks, standing there, dying to sit down, with me.

“Okay, sure,” I nod, can’t remember how it was with us, smile.

She stands there a while longer.

I look up and smile once more.

She finally walks back to her friend.

I hope Lauren and I never have a conversation like that: slight, depressing, hopeless. And I miss her so badly and want her back that the urge to hold and feel her stabs at me, blinding me momentarily and I finish the beer quickly, feeling better, since I’m sure she feels the same way. One of the guys playing Crystal Castles kicks the machine and growls, “Fuck you, bitch.” The song “Heaven” keeps playing.

There are things that I will never do: I will never buy cheese popcorn in The Pub. I will never tell a video game to fuck off. I will never erase graffiti about myself that I happen to catch in bathrooms on campus. I will never sleep with anyone but Lauren. I will never throw a pumpkin at her door. I will never play “Burning Down the House” on the jukebox.