The Second Fredric Brown Megapack

Cartoonist

There were six letters in Bill Garrigan’s box, but he could tell from a quick glance at the envelopes that not one of them was a check. Would-be gags from would-be gagmen. And, nine chances out of ten, not a yak in the lot.

He carried them back to the adobe hut he called his studio before bothering to open them. He tossed his disreputable hat onto the two-burner kerosene stove. He sat down and twisted his legs around the legs of the kitchen chair before the rickety table which doubled as a place to eat and his drawing board.

It had been a long time since the last sale and he hoped, even though he didn’t dare expect, that there’d be a really salable gag in this lot. Miracles do happen.

He tore open the first envelope. Six gags from some guy up in Oregon, sent to him on the usual basis; if he liked any of them he’d draw them up and if they sold the guy got a percentage. Bill Garrigan looked at the first one. It read:

Bill Garrigan groaned and looked at the next card. And the next. And the next. He opened the next envelope. And the next.

This was getting really bad. Cartooning is a tough racket to make a living in, even when you live in a little town in the Southwest where living doesn’t cost you much. And once you start slipping—well, the thing was a vicious circle. As your stuff was seen less and less often in the big markets, the best gagmen started sending their material elsewhere. You wound up with the leftovers, which, of course, put the skids under you that much worse.

He pulled the last gag from the final envelope. It read:

Bill Garrigan scratched the end of his nose thoughtfully. It had possibilities. After all, the science-fiction market was growing like mad. And if he could draw these extra-terrestrial creatures hideous enough to bring out the gag—

He reached for a pencil and a piece of paper and started to sketch out a rough. The first version of the Emperor and his scientists didn’t look quite ugly enough. He crumpled up the paper and reached for another piece.

Let’s see. He could give each one of the monsters three heads, each head with six protruding, goggling eyes. Half-a-dozen stubby arms. Hmmm, not bad. Very long torsos, very short legs. Four apiece, front ones bending one way, back ones the other. Splay feet. Now how about the face, outside of the six eyes? Leave ’em blank below the eyes. A mouth, a big one, in the middle of the chest. That way a monster wouldn’t get to arguing with himself as to which head should do the eating.

He added a few quick lines for the background; he looked upon his work and it was good. Maybe too good; maybe editors would think their readers too squeamish to look upon such terrible monstrosities. And yet, unless he made them as horrible as he could, the gag would be lost.

In fact, maybe he could make them even a little more hideous. He tried, and found that he could.

He worked on the rough until he was sure he’d got as much as could be drawn out of the gag, found an envelope and addressed it to his best market—or what had been his best market up to several months ago when he’d started slipping. He’d made his last sale there fully two months ago. But maybe they’d take this one; Rod Corey, the editor, liked his cartoons a bit on the bizarre side.

Bill Garrigan had almost forgotten the submission by the time it came back almost six weeks later.

He tore open the envelope. The rough was there with a big red “O.K. Let’s have a finish,” scrawled to one side of it and with the initials “R. C.” beneath.

He’d eat again!

Bill made it back from the post office in double time, brushed the odds and ends of food, books, and clothing from the table top and reached for paper, pencil, pen, and ink.

He wedged the rough between a milk can and a dirty saucer to work from it, and he stared at it until he got himself back in the frame of mind he’d been in when he’d first roughed out the idea.

He did a job of it, because Rod Corey’s market was in there with the best; the only one that gave him a hundred bucks a crack. Of course some of the really top markets paid higher than that to name-cartoonists, but Bill Garrigan had lost any delusions of his own grandeur. Sure, he’d give his right arm to hit the top, but it didn’t seem likely to happen. And right now he’d settle for selling enough to keep him eating.

He took almost two hours to complete the finish, did it up carefully with cardboard and made his way back to the post office. He mailed it and rubbed his hands with satisfaction. Money in the bank. He’d be able to get the broken transmission fixed on his jalopy and be on wheels again, and he’d be able to catch up fractionally on his grocery and rent bills to boot. Only it was a shame that old R.C. wasn’t quicker pay.

As a matter of fact the check didn’t come until the day the issue containing the cartoon hit the stands. But in the meantime he’d made a couple of small sales to trade magazines and hadn’t actually gone hungry. Still in all the check looked wonderful when it came.

He cashed it at the bank on his way from the post office and stopped off at the Sagebrush Tap for a couple of quick ones. And they tasted so good and made him feel so cheerful that he stopped at the liquor store and picked up a bottle of Metaxa. He couldn’t afford Metaxa, of course—who can?—but somewhere along the line a man has to do a reasonable amount of celebrating.

Once home, he opened the bottle of precious Greek brandy, had a couple of slugs of it and then settled his long body into the chair, propped his scuffed shoes on the rickety table and let out a sigh of pure contentment. Tomorrow he’d regret the money he’d spent and he’d probably have a hangover to boot, but tomorrow was manana.

Reaching out a hand he picked the least dirty of the glasses within his reach and poured a stiff shot into it. Maybe, he thought, fame is the food of the soul and he’d never be a famous cartoonist, but this afternoon at least cartooning was giving with the liquor of the gods.

He raised the glass toward his lips, but he didn’t quite make it. His eyes widened.

Before him, the adobe wall seemed to shimmer, quiver, shake. Then, slowly, a small aperture appeared. It enlarged, grew, widened; suddenly it was the size of a doorway.

Bill darted a reproachful look at the brandy. Hell, he told himself, I’ve hardly touched it. His unbelieving eyes went back to the doorway in the wall. It could be an earthquake. In fact, it must be. What else—

Two six-armed creatures emerged. Each had three heads and each head had six goggling eyes. Four legs, a mouth in the middle of—

“Oh, no,” Bill said.

Each of the creatures held an awesome, respect-inspiring gunlike object. Each pointed it at Bill Garrigan.

“Gentlemen,” Bill said, “I realize that this is one of the most potent drinks on Earth, but, so help me, two jiggers couldn’t do this.”

The monsters stared at him and shuddered, and each one closed all but one of its eighteen eyes.

“Hideous indeed,” said the first one to have come through the aperture. “The most hideous specimen in the solar system, is he not, Agol?”

“Me?” said Bill Garrigan faintly.

“You. But do not be afraid. We have come not to harm you but to take you into the mighty presence of Bon Whir III, Emperor Snook, where you will be suitably rewarded.”

“How? For what? Where’s—Snook?”

“Will you please ask questions one at a time? I could answer all three of those simultaneously, one with each head, but I fear you are not equipped to understand multiple communication.”

Bill Garrigan closed his eyes. “You’ve got three heads, but only one mouth. How can you talk three ways with only one mouth?”

The monster’s mouth laughed. “What makes you think we talk with our mouths? We only laugh with them. We eat by osmosis. We talk by vibrating diaphragms in the tops of our heads. Now, which of your three previous questions do you wish answered?”

“How will I be rewarded?”

“The Emperor did not tell us. But it will be a great reward. It is our duty merely to bring you. These weapons are merely a precaution in case you resist. And they do not kill; we are too civilized to kill. They merely stun.”

“You aren’t really there,” Bill said. He opened his eyes and quickly closed them again. “I’ve never touched a reefer in my life. Nor had D.T.’s, and I couldn’t suddenly get them on only two brandies—well, four if you count the ones at the bar.”

“You are ready to go with us?”

“Go where?”

“To Snook.”

“Where’s that?”

“The fifth planet, retrograde, of System K-14-320-GM, Space Continuum 1745-88JHT-97608.”

“Where, with relation to here?”

The monster gestured with one of his six arms. “Immediately through that aperture in your wall. Are you ready?”

“No. What am I being rewarded for? That cartoon? How did you see it?”

“Yes. For that cartoon. We are thoroughly familiar with your world and civilization; it is parallel to ours but in a different continuum. We are people with a great sense of humor. We have artists but no cartoonists; we lack that faculty. The cartoon you drew is, to us, excruciatingly funny. Already, everyone in Snook is laughing at it. Are you now ready?”

“No,” said Bill Garrigan.

Both monsters lifted their guns. Two clicks came simultaneously.

“You are conscious again,” a voice told him. “This way to the throne room, please.”

There wasn’t any use arguing. Bill went. He was here now, wherever here was, and maybe they’d reward him by letting him go back if he behaved himself.

The room was familiar. Just as he’d drawn it. And he’d have recognized the Emperor anywhere. Not only the Emperor, but the scientists who were with him.

Could it, conceivably, have been coincidence that he had drawn a scene and creatures that actually existed? Or—hadn’t he read somewhere the theory that there existed an infinite number of universes in an infinite number of spacetime continuums, so that any state of being of which one could possibly think actually existed somewhere? He’d thought that had sounded ridiculous when he’d read it, but he wasn’t so sure now.

A voice from somewhere—it sounded as though from an amplifier—said, “The great, the mighty Emperor Bon Whir III, Leader of the Faithful, Commander of the Glories, Receiver of the Light, Lord of the Galaxies, Beloved of His People.”

It stopped and Bill said, “Bill Garrigan.”

The Emperor laughed, with his mouth. “Thank you, Bill Garrigan,” he said, “for giving us the best laugh of our lifetimes. I have had you brought here to reward you. I hereby offer you the post of Royal Cartoonist. A post which has not existed before, since we have no cartoonists. Your sole duty will be to draw one cartoon a day.”

“One a day? But where’ll I get the gags?”

“We will supply them. We have excellent gags; each of us has a magnificent sense of humor, both creative and appreciative. We can, however, draw only representationally. You will be the greatest man on this planet, next to me.” He laughed. “Maybe you’ll be even more popular than I—although my people really do like me.”

“I—I guess not,” Bill said. “I think I’d rather go back to—say, what does the job pay? Maybe I could take it for a while and take some money—or some equivalent—back to Earth.”

“The pay will be beyond your dreams of avarice. You will have everything you want. And you may accept it for one year, with the option of life tenure if you so wish at the end of the year.”

“Well—” Bill said. He was wondering just how much money would be beyond his dreams of avarice. A devil of a lot, he guessed. He’d go back to Earth rich, all right.

“I urge you to accept,” said the Emperor. “Every cartoon you draw—and you may draw more than one a day if you wish—will be published in every publication on the planet. You will draw royalties from each.”

“How many publications have you?”

“Over a hundred thousand. Twenty billion people read them.”

“Well,” Bill said, “maybe I should try it a year. But—uh—”

“What?”

“How’ll I get along here, outside of cartooning? I mean, I understand that physically I’m hideous to you, as hideous as you are to—I mean, I won’t have any friends. I certainly couldn’t make friends with—I mean—”

“That has already been taken care of, in anticipation of your acceptance, and while you were unconscious. We have the greatest physicians and plastic surgeons in any of the universes. The wall behind you is a mirror. If you will turn—”

Bill Garrigan turned. He fainted.

One of Bill Garrigan’s heads sufficed to concentrate on the cartoon he was drawing, directly in ink. He didn’t bother with roughs any more. They weren’t necessary with the multiplicity of eyes that enabled him to see what he was doing from so many angles at the same time.

His second head was thinking of the great wealth in his bank account and his tremendous power and popularity here. True, the money was in copper, which was the precious metal in this world, but there was enough copper to sell for a fortune even on Earth. Too bad, his second head thought, that he couldn’t take back his power and popularity with him.

His third head was talking to the Emperor. The Emperor came to see him sometimes, these days.

“Yes,” the Emperor was saying, “the time is up tomorrow, but I hope we can persuade you to stay. Your own terms, of course. And, since we do not want to use coercion, our plastic surgeons will restore you to your original—uh—shape—”

Bill Garrigan’s mouth, in the middle of his chest, grinned. It was wonderful to be so appreciated. His fourth collection of cartoons had just been published and had sold ten million copies on this planet alone, besides exports to the rest of the system. It wasn’t the money; he already had more than he could ever spend, here. And the convenience of three heads and six arms—

His first head looked up from the cartoon and came to rest on his secretary. She saw him looking, and her eyestalks drooped coyly. She was very beautiful. He hadn’t made any passes at her yet; he’d wanted to be sure which way he’d decide about going back to Earth. His second head thought about a girl he’d known once back on his original planet and he shuddered and jerked his mind away from thinking about her. Good Lord, she’d been hideous.

One of the Emperor’s heads had caught sight of the almost-finished cartoon and his mouth was laughing hysterically.

Yes, it was wonderful to be appreciated. Bill’s first head kept on looking at Thwil, his beautiful secretary, and she flushed a faint but beautiful yellow under his stare.

“Well, pal,” Bill’s third head said to the Emperor, “I’ll think it over. Yeah, I’ll think it over.”