The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play, and the Erotic Edge

Like other subcultures, kinky folks have developed (and continue to develop) a vocabulary to describe the unique elements of our world. This chapter will define the most common words and phrases used among kink practitioners and throughout the book.

In addition to a specific vernacular, members of the kink community have adopted a set of principles that represent its core values: consent, negotiation, safety and risk reduction, communication, and aftercare. These values are the foundation of the work of all the educators in this book, and they apply to each of the chapters and all of the activities discussed here. To avoid repetition, most authors will not define basic terms or tenets covered here, although they may elaborate on them or define other terminology as it relates specifically to their topic.

TERMINOLOGY AND LINGO

In this book, kink is used as an inclusive term that covers BDSM, sadomasochism, kinky sex, dominance and submission, role play, sex games, fantasy, fetish, and other alternative erotic expressions.

BDSM is an acronym and an umbrella term that was first used in the late 80s and early 90s in Internet discussion groups, including one of the early newsgroups, soc.subculture. bondage-bdsm. It did not become the umbrella term of choice until the 2000s. BDSM is a combination of several shorter acronyms that reflect the history of our kinky vocabulary and the wide variety of practices that it incorporates:

B & D or B/D stands for bondage and discipline. It is an older term that first appeared in personals and magazines in the 1970s and became widely used by kinky folks in the 1980s to describe their interest in kink. It wasn’t necessarily meant to denote only bondage and discipline, but rather a range of activities that revolved around power exchange. Today B & D is much less frequently used as a term on its own.

SM (also S & M, S/M, S/m) is the common abbreviation for sadism and masochism or sadomasochism. (Definitions of these and related words appear later in this chapter.) These terms were coined by Richard von Krafft-Ebing in 1886 and have appeared frequently since then in psychoanalytic literature to describe sexual pathologies; however, kinky people reclaimed them beginning around the 1970s, and S/M was the most popular term until BDSM gained widespread use by the 2000s.

Embedded in the acronym BDSM is D/s (also DS or d/s), which represents dominance and submission or Dominant/ submissive (defined in detail below). These terms have been around for a long time; people began using them in the context of kink in the 1980s to describe the power dynamic within a scene or relationship. People used D/s to reflect the power exchange in SM activities or to communicate their interest in roles like master/slave or daddy/boy, for example. Today, D/s is most often used to denote relationships that are built around a dominant/submissive power dynamic where power exchange is always or very often present (and may exist without other elements of BDSM).[3] In those D/s relationships where the power exchange is always present, partners inhabit their roles and reinforce the dynamic through various rituals, protocols, and behaviors all the time; these relationships may be referred to as 24/7 D/s (as in 24 hours a day, 7 days a week), lifestyle D/s, TPE (total power exchange), or APE (absolute power exchange).

BDSM can be used as a noun (“I’m interested in BDSM”) or an adjective (“I went to a BDSM event”). Some people use other terms interchangeably with BDSM, including SM, kink, and leather. The use of the word leather (as in “I’m part of the local leather community”) originated in post-World War II gay male biker clubs and bars and continued in leather bars and sex clubs from the late 50s all the way through the 2000s.[4] Leather is still used today, especially by gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and queer folks, to signify kinky interests, identities, and communities.

People do BDSM for the same wide variety of reasons people have sex, including for pleasure and connection. Just as some people love oral sex and others love sex in the woods, some love BDSM. Plenty of folks have told me they believe it’s just how they’re wired. I’ve heard countless stories of the first time a lover held her down, the first time a woman put a collar on him, the first time she got spanked. Many experienced a visceral reaction to these experiences before they had language to describe what they were doing or knew there were other people out there doing similar things. For some, BDSM does not have to focus on or even involve genital stimulation to be pleasurable and even orgasmic. For others, a good flogging and a good fucking is the perfect combination—BDSM enhances the sexual experience.

In sidebars throughout this chapter, you’ll find examples of different kinds of BDSM as well as popular practices and tools. I hope they illustrate the extraordinary diversity within BDSM, provide you with a list of possibilities, and whet your appetite for the chapters to come.[5]

Play is a common term used to describe the practice of BDSM, as in: “I want to play with a bondage expert so I can learn more about it.” It can also be used as an adjective: “My play partner caned me really well at Susan’s play party. I’m glad I set up that play date!”

A scene is where two or more people come together to do BDSM. People may also use scene to describe the BDSM community (“Is she in the scene?”). You can do a scene anywhere, but often people do them in a play space or dungeon. These spaces may be private, such as a room in someone’s home, or public, like a large club; they often have different stations that feature various types of equipment for BDSM play: for example, a St. Andrew’s Cross (a large X usually made of wood), a bondage bed, a spanking bench, a sling, a medical exam table, and a cage.

During a scene, a top is the “doer,” the person who is in charge, initiates activities and actions, and does things to the bottom. A bottom follows the top’s lead, receives stimulation from the top, and has things done to him or her. For example, in a spanking scene, the top is the spanker and the bottom gets spanked. Top and bottom can also be used as verbs, as in “I topped my girlfriend last night.” A switch is someone who enjoys playing both roles. Whether a switch becomes a top or a bottom can change from one scene to the next; switches may take on a particular role based on the partner they play with or the activity. They can also switch between both roles within one scene.

Sadomasochism is the enjoyment of giving or receiving pain or discomfort. A sadist is one who derives pleasure from inflicting pain, intense sensations, and discomfort on someone else. That pain or discomfort can be physical (like during a spanking), emotional and psychological (as in an interrogation scene), or both. This is just a brief definition; Chapter 16, Inside the Mind of a Sadist, by FifthAngel, is a thorough, thoughtful look at sadism. A masochist is someone who enjoys receiving pain or intense sensations, being made uncomfortable, or being “forced” to do something they don’t enjoy. Remember that sadists and masochists experience these desires and pleasures in the context of consensual BDSM scenes.

Let’s talk about pain, since it’s part of SM and comes to mind when people think of activities like flogging, caning, or piercing. When people experience pain, adrenaline, endorphins, and natural painkillers flood their nervous system. People get off on this chemical rush, which many describe as feeling energized, high, or transcendent. Pain is not just a physical event; like many things in our culture, it is also socially constructed and reinforced. When we see a person slap someone’s face, we think, That hurt, that was unpleasant. But, in the context of a sexually charged scene, some people, when they are aroused (and their pain tolerance is much higher), process a face slap in a different way: it feels good. They like how their flesh responds and their pulse quickens. It may feel shocking, intimate, stinging; add the taboo of dominance, punishment, humiliation—whatever that slap signifies for the two people—and you’ve got a recipe for an intense experience. In certain contexts, one person’s pain can be another person’s pleasure. Or, as Patrick Califia writes in Chapter 15, Enhancing Masochism: How to Expand Limits and Increase Desire, which delves much deeper into this subject, “Euphoria and agony are next-door neighbors.”

A Dominant runs the show, exerts control over a submissive, and may direct him or her to complete tasks, behave a certain way, follow rules, or submit to various kinds of SM. A submissive gives up control and surrenders to the Dominant, complies with a Dominant’s wishes, follows orders, and has an investment in pleasing his or her Dominant.

A power exchange of some kind is nearly always present in human relationships. There are people all around us in power exchange relationships who don’t acknowledge the dynamic or call it anything: A husband who gives his wife an allowance but no credit card in her own name. A woman who controls her coworkers, making them eager to please her even though she’s not their boss. That’s right: there are plenty of people wearing collars and others tugging at their leashes, but the gear is invisible and the dynamic unexamined. Kinky people do the opposite: they consciously create and name a power dynamic in order to eroticize it. By making the power exchange explicit, they get to act on it, play with it, and let it drive the erotic interaction. That exchange is what fuels their desire and pleasure. Think about the mistress who forces her slave to be sexually available to her at all times. Or the submissive who strives to please her Dominant, putting his needs above her own.

Service is one kind of D/s dynamic or relationship where the submissive serves the Dominant; the Dominant may direct the submissive to do household chores, provide sexual stimulation, or complete projects. In fact, ordinary activities that most people take for granted—making coffee, drawing a bath, folding laundry—can be imbued with a different meaning and become symbols of submission and service. Service is most often equated with submissives (slaves, boys, girls, etc.), but there are also self-identified service tops, who enjoy doing things to bottoms at the bottom’s request.

D/s roles and relationships are explored throughout the book, most extensively by Laura Antoniou (Chapter 3), Midori (Chapter 13), and Madison Young (Chapter 14).

Some people take on the role of Dominant or submissive expressly for a scene, like top or bottom, and shed that role when the scene ends. For others, being dominant or submissive is not about role playing, but is a much bigger part of their identity and relationships. For example, some Dominants can’t turn their desire to dominate on and off at will, and they describe dominance as very similar to how people define sexual orientation: they are attracted to and interested in submissives, they see the world through their dominant lens, their dominance is a constant in their sexual and BDSM interactions.

Many tops are dominant—their needs and wishes come first—and many bottoms are submissive—their desire is to please and serve their top. However, that is not always the case. For example, if a dominant master orders his submissive to flog him, then the master is the flogging bottom and the submissive is the flogging top; the master is still the one in charge, he’s just having something done to him. The roles of sadist and masochist overlap with the others and many people identify with different elements of more than one. Sometimes the overlap is easily recognized, like a submissive masochist bottom who enjoys being flogged to experience both the pain and the submission to his Dominant’s flogger. But there could also be a sadistic submissive who enjoys piercing masochist bottoms.

EROTIC ROLE PLAY

When you engage in erotic role play (also called fantasy role play), you and a partner (or partners) create characters and scenarios to act out fantasies with a sexual component. Erotic role play is a chance to become someone else, channel your inner drama geek, explore a particular dynamic, and have some fun. For some people, role play is part of their BDSM. It makes sense: most of the common role play scenarios—doctor/patient, teacher/student, cop/civilian, prostitute/client—have a power dynamic built right into them, and so much of BDSM is about power. Often these scenes revolve around one person submitting to another, being forced to do something, or feeling vulnerable. Think of a naughty student spanked by a ruler-wielding nun, a dominatrix humiliating her client, or a drill sergeant putting a private through his paces.

Other people may love erotic role play—and their scenarios can include corporal punishment, bondage, or mindfuck—but they don’t consider what they do BDSM. There is plenty of overlap between erotic role play and BDSM: roles, scenarios, props, power dynamics, and, of course, getting off on all of it! It’s entirely up to you. Many of the same principles adopted by BDSMers are also practiced by erotic role players and vice versa, which is why there are several chapters in this book about role play.

Fantasy role play gives folks a chance to be someone else, even if it’s only for an hour or two. You can shake off your real-life stern, responsible school principal and become a pampered princess with a doting babysitter. Role play creates a space for fantasy and make-believe, where you can explore your inner cocky jock, naughty schoolgirl, or bored-but-horny housewife. It can add another layer to your sex life, where you explore the many facets of your own personality, different dynamics with a partner, sexual taboos, and scenarios limited only by your imagination.

PRINCIPLES

Consent—explicit, informed verbal approval after negotiation, a confident and secure “Yes!”—is the bedrock of sex and relationships, and one of the most significant elements of kink. It’s what separates kink from abuse. It is something you will read about repeatedly in this book. Securing consent from a partner is a necessity, and this holds true whether the person is brand-new to you, you’ve played together more than a dozen times, or you’ve been in a relationship for 10 years. Never assume anything. When you ask for consent, you clearly speak your part in the exchange: I need to know you’ve agreed to this before we begin. Giving your consent to a partner prior to a scene is absolutely critical. It establishes that you’re ready, willing, and able to proceed: you’ve discussed what’s likely to happen, shared any concerns, talked about your limits, and agreed to dive in. When you give consent, you do so willingly, without pressure, coercion, or reservation. You agree to play, communicate during the scene, and stop if you need to.

Giving your consent and receiving a partner’s consent is part of the process of negotiating a kink scene. Negotiation creates a space for everyone to talk about their needs, wants, limits, fantasies, and fears before they play. One way to begin the negotiation process is to identify what role or roles you will take on: top/bottom/switch, Dominant/submissive, sadist/ masochist. Together you can go through some possible activities; for each one, you can decide if you are interested in doing it and whether you want to give or receive or both.

People sometimes make a “Yes–No–Maybe” list, marking “yes” for the things they’d like to do, “no” for the things they definitely wouldn’t like to do, and “maybe” for activities that fall in between. A “maybe” can have multiple meanings; for example: maybe since I am curious but have no idea if I’ll like it; maybe after I’ve had more experience with some other things; maybe if we get to know each other better and it feels right; maybe if I learn to get over my anxiety about it; or maybe because it’s not a definitive “no,” I’m open to the idea. It will serve you well to discuss why something ends up in the “maybe” column and will give you insight into your partner. The activities listed in the sidebars are a good place to start the conversation.

In addition to negotiating your wants, needs, desires, and limits for BDSM, you should also decide if there will be sexual activity as part of your play. You can write up a similar “Yes–No–Maybe” list. Will there be genital contact and stimulation? Masturbation? How about penetration, oral sex, sex toys, ejaculation? As part of the negotiation process, you should disclose when you were last tested for sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and decide on safer sex practices. (See UltimateGuidetoKink.com for a sample Yes–No–Maybe list and an STI/safer sex guide.)

Making a list of activities is like drawing the outline. Now it’s time to fill in the details and get more specific. Erotic desire is in the details, so it’s helpful to you and your partners to flesh out your fantasies and figure out exactly what you want. Say you like the idea of bondage. Do you crave being restrained into submission or do you like the idea of struggling to get out of it? You enjoy dominating. Do you prefer to give orders, create predicaments, or use someone for your pleasure? You know you’re into sex-for-money fantasies where you’re a prostitute—but are you a streetwalking hustler or a high-priced call girl?

As you fill in the details of your desires, decide on and communicate your limits within a certain activity; for example:

• You love to be slapped and spanked, but not on your face.

• You’re excited to have hot wax dripped on you, but you don’t want it on your breasts.

• You checked “yes” under clips and clamps although you have one caveat: no clothespins.

• You’re game to try sensory deprivation if your partner promises not to put a gag in your mouth.

• Caning is fun, but no marks on your body that people could see when you wear shorts.

Now is also the time to tell your partner all relevant information he or she should know about you. Is there anything in your medical history that is serious or will affect the type of play you do? For example, you should let a partner know if you have a heart condition, high blood pressure, diabetes, or allergies. You should talk about medications you take, a sensitivity to hot or cold, if you’re prone to dizziness or fainting, how well you can see without your glasses. Do you have bad knees and can’t kneel for more than 20 minutes? That’s vital information to tell a Dominant before a scene!

Although it can be difficult, you should also share any specific elements that you know can trigger a negative reaction in you; these may be based on phobias, negative experiences, past trauma, childhood abuse, or strong aversions. They can be about a specific body part, an activity, an implement, a certain word or words. For example, I have a friend who cannot be spanked with a hairbrush because she has awful memories of being punished as a little girl with a hairbrush by her mother. Another friend likes to be called names like whore or bitch in a scene, but draws the line at cow or pig. I know a guy who has an intense fear of being strangled, so even hands around his neck can send him into a tailspin. A woman had a bad first-time experience with nipple clamps and now they give her tremendous anxiety.

This is important information to know as you decide if you’re going to play with someone, what you’re going to do, and how to construct a scene. This information sharing is part of giving and receiving informed consent; it also helps prepare you to assess the risks and determine how to play safer.

The issues of safety and responsibility have been vital for kinky people both personally and politically. People who practice BDSM have long emphasized the importance of mentoring and education so newcomers can learn proper skills before picking up a paddle or a piercing needle. When SM groups first became more visible, and as they continue to grow and get more politically active, kinksters want nonkinky folks to know that they aren’t whip-toting lunatics.

In 1983, the phrase “safe, sane, and consensual” (abbreviated SSC) appeared in a committee report of Gay Male S/M Activists (GMSMA) in New York; it is widely credited to David Stein, a member of GMSMA.[6] The concept of SSC was promoted to accomplish two goals: to articulate the values of a growing community and, as the practice of SM became increasingly visible, to raise awareness among the larger gay community that SM was not the same thing as abuse. Other SM communities and players embraced Stein’s phrase with gusto as a kind of motto, and it quickly became a much-used catchphrase.

A decade after it was so widely embraced, some people began to interpret, critique, and debate the concept of SSC; they questioned whether it sanitized SM and was used to shame people who did more “risky” activities. Sex educators encourage people to practice safer sex, by using barriers, testing regularly, and developing other strategies to reduce the transmission of sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Educators emphasize that it’s safer sex—not safe sex—to make the point that all sex comes with some risks. Likewise, critics of SSC wanted to acknowledge that one can take steps to be safer, but there is some kind of risk in all forms of BDSM.

In 1999, a new phrase was introduced: “risk-aware consensual kink” (RACK).[7] RACK continues to emphasize the consensual nature of BDSM while acknowledging that some of its practices are inherently risky (and, in fact, exploring the risks and edges are part of what draws people to them). You can make an informed decision to acknowledge the risks, take steps to reduce them, and proceed. Stein himself later clarified the context and intentions behind the creation of SSC and acknowledged some of its limitations:

One way to reduce risk is to use a safeword. Although you negotiate and discuss limits, boundaries, and triggers before a scene, you cannot prepare for everything. It’s simply impossible to predict how you’ll feel during a scene, what will push your buttons, or how something will affect you.

A safeword is a word—usually one that you wouldn’t normally utter during a scene—that you and your partner choose. Your safeword is your safety net. If you don’t like something that’s happening and you want the scene to stop right away, simply say your safeword. Words like stop or no or please don’t, which we commonly use to communicate this sentiment, may be part of the dialogue of a scene where the bottom wants to resist or be forced to do something. So they are not ideal safewords. The most common safeword is red. Sometimes people pick two different words; for example, red means “stop right now!” and yellow means “please slow down.” If the bottom can’t speak (he has a gag in his mouth or she is supposed to perform oral sex until you tell her to stop) or the music is really loud in the dungeon, agree on a safe signal instead. For instance, you can have the bottom hold something in her hand during a scene; if she drops it, that means stop.

Another way to reduce risk is to know what you’re doing. Luckily, there is a tremendous emphasis on education in the BDSM community, so take advantage of the resources around you. Learn proper techniques, ask fellow practitioners, attend classes and demonstrations by BDSM educators, and practice skills under the guidance of someone experienced. Learn the risks, the common mistakes that people make, and what is most likely to go wrong. The chance to get some hands-on practice with an experienced person is even better. Don’t get tipsy or do drugs, then decide to try out your new flogger. It’s just like lots of things in life: Cut yourself some slack. Give each other the benefit of the doubt. Use common sense.

Some players believe in what’s called consensual nonconsent , an oxymoron and impossibility by legal definitions, but a concept that makes perfect sense to those who subscribe to it. The idea behind consensual nonconsent is that partners don’t want to go through a list and map out each and every thing that will happen or consent to activities individually. Rather, they want to state their limits, turn their will over to a Dominant, top, or sadist, and trust in where a scene goes. They want to waive their right to revoke their consent or stop in the middle of a scene. In fact, they agree in advance that something might happen that they don’t want or enjoy, or they may be forced to do something that is beyond their comfort zone, and they’re okay with that. You can read more about this idea in Chapters 15, 16, 18, and 19.

I have seen people push the limits of themselves and their partners. Like the leatherman who used only rope to suspend his slave from a tree. The mistress who used a razor-sharp scalpel to create a decorative cutting on her boy’s flesh. Or the daddy who put her entire hand inside a girl’s ass. It might sound like scary stuff when you read it on the page, but no one was harmed during those scenes or hundreds of others I’ve watched. Do you know what is the most common injury at a BDSM conference? A sprained ankle. From walking. It’s true!

I’ll admit my bias right up front: I think a lot of kinky people are better at communicating their erotic wants, needs, and limits than a lot of nonkinky people. Notice I didn’t say all. Communication is a crucial component to an empowered and fulfilling sex life, and it happens to be a big part of kink. People who get lots of play are the ones who are able to say what they want, put it out there, and negotiate scenes and relationships; it helps that within the community there are people around you modeling the behavior and there are workshops on how to do it more effectively. People talk, for minutes, hours, days, or even months, before they play. They negotiate, ask questions, and reveal themselves.

During a scene, communication can be more of a challenge. Certainly you could do a scene where you speak freely and give your partner feedback, like this:

• Can you slow down a little?

• Oh, the cane stings more on my thighs than my butt.

• How does this flogger feel compared to the one I just used on you?

• I really like the needles in my chest.

• That dildo’s too big. Do you have the blue one?

• You reacted a lot more when the wax came close to your neck.

• Shall I adjust the nipple clamps? Can you take them just a little tighter?

But there may be circumstances that prevent this kind of open dialogue. If you’re striving to maintain a strong D/s dynamic in the scene, then a submissive’s feedback needs to be more cleverly solicited and spoken. In fact, you can reinforce the power dynamic while communicating. Have the submissive ask for each slap of your hand, count each stroke of the cane, or even beg for the next drop of hot wax. Instruct the submissive to add some “Pleases” and “Thank yous” after each one or make him count each paddle strike. Not only does this move the scene along nicely, it gives the submissive the opportunity to communicate his state of mind. If he begins to wince or hesitate as he speaks, he may be nearing his limit.

Similarly, if you’re in a role-playing scene, you want to stay in role. A student doesn’t say to the teacher, “Do it harder!” just as a victim doesn’t tell his attacker “Please slow down.” Plus, (human) ponies and (adult) babies can’t talk at all! Or maybe a bottom wants to be taken on a journey, and neither of you want there to be a lot of back-and-forth chat. You want to lose yourself in the rhythm of the flogging, the sensation of the singletail against your skin, or the feet you plan to worship before you. In some kinds of scenes, a bottom is flying so high that he slips into deep “subspace” (a trancelike state some bottoms can achieve, especially in a heavy scene, that often leaves them incoherent). In these situations, eye contact and nonverbal communication are critical. As a top, your ability to read your bottom’s body language is essential. Pay attention to the bottom’s breathing rate, facial expressions, how his body reacts to sensation, and whether the reaction changes. Use your judgment about whether something should continue, ratchet up, or wind down.

What happens after a scene is just as significant as what goes on during it. Think about it: you’ve just had an intimate experience with someone, and you need to make sure she is all right physically and mentally. Whether you play like you have in the past, do something for the first time, explore a new dynamic, or push harder than ever before, it’s wise to check in with each other. A scene is like an extraordinary date, a highflying adventure, or a one-of-a-kind experience—one or both of you are likely to be flooded with endorphins afterward. You might feel energized and excited, worn out and beat down, or, seemingly inexplicably, both. You may be lightheaded or feel like you’ve run a marathon or seen God. You may feel exuberant, meditative, vulnerable, anxious, giddy, confused, scared, transcendent, or dumbfounded at what just happened. These sensations are all completely normal and quite common. Let the feelings, even the scary or overwhelming ones, wash over you. Take a deep breath.

Imagine you’ve doled out a heavy caning that tested the limits of your partner’s body, pain tolerance, stamina, and perseverance. You just gave it, and good—now take care of the person who took it. If you’re the top, part of your responsibility is to ensure the well-being of your bottom. First address some basic needs with questions like these: Do you need to use the restroom? Do you want to stand up (or sit down—because your bottom has been kneeling or standing for an hour during a scene)? Do you want to leave the play space and go somewhere more private, quieter, more comfortable? Are you too warm or too cold? Do you need a blanket or change of clothes? Offer water or another beverage to make sure the bottom stays hydrated and a snack to combat low blood sugar, especially if the scene involved heavy physical play. As part of your negotiation process, you should discuss any specific needs you might have after a scene. That way, you can come prepared rather than scrambling to find an energy bar or a sweatshirt for someone who needs it right away.

Some partners want to process their experiences and feelings about the scene right away, so you need to be prepared to do that; people may have a lot of different emotions afterward. Be ready to listen, validate, and comfort. Some people want sex play, making out, or some sweet cuddling as part of aftercare. Others need a few kind words, a hug, and a lollipop, and they’re on their way. After an intense scene, people also like to follow up with a check-in a day or two later; often, right after a scene, you’re still in the afterglow, but feelings may come up later that you want to discuss. Bottom drop is a common experience where, after the high of a scene wears off (which can take hours or days), a bottom suddenly feels sad, depressed, anxious, lonely, or confused. If you experience this drop, the antidote is often just to reach out to partners, friends, and loved ones for support and reassurance.

Since the bottom is the one who receives the cane strikes, the piercing needles, or the interrogation, there is often a lot of emphasis on the bottom’s safety, comfort, and well-being. Do not forget that tops (and Dominants and sadists) also need safewords, have limits, and want aftercare. Tops: make sure you take care of yourself, have what you may need handy, and ask for what you want. Post-scene, tops may experience the malaise of top drop, and anyone can encounter event drop, which frequently happens after you get home from a fun, play-filled BDSM event. Aftercare is different for everyone; don’t assume you know what someone wants—ask.

These definitions are not meant to be exhaustive and definitive; they are a brief introduction to (or refresher course on) common terminology and tenets used in the book. Many of the concepts are explored in depth in the chapters ahead. While it’s true that language and labels can often limit, exclude, or box us in, words can also help us define ourselves, communicate, and connect with others. Use these explanations as a kind of shorthand and starting point. It’s worth asking others, What does dominant mean to you? Why do you identify as a masochist? What kind of a bottom are you? Likewise, ask a play partner what his or her own values are. What do you think about SSC? How do you garner consent? What is your communication style during a scene? Questions like these can lead to useful, fruitful discussions. With a new partner, it’s common to get a reference from someone else who’s played with him or her. Most kinky people I’ve met take pride in their skills, experience, and integrity. They strongly believe in the tenets of BDSM, and they are invested in earning the respect of their play partners and peers. Use these conversations as an opportunity to gauge if you are on the same page before you’re ready to invest time and trust with someone. If you start with a solid foundation, the sky’s the limit.

I scanned the play party. Other than a scene going on in the sling, it was mostly clusters of groups socializing on the couches. I spotted the redhead, who was dressed like a doll, with a nametag that said “Dolly.” Nobody was playing with her and she did not seem to belong to anybody.

I went over and touched her. She felt so lifelike. I think she was one of those Real Dolls. She was life-sized, but still smaller than me so it was only a little awkward to maneuver her around.

I took her over to one of the less crowded corners. I bent the dolly over my knee. She was a bit stiff, like maybe she wasn’t really supposed to bend that way. She flopped over face-first onto the couch.

The dolly wore a short little skirt. First I smoothed it out for modesty’s sake and touched her through her clothes. But after a while, I got curious to see what was underneath. I lifted her skirt and she had these beautiful pale-blue panties with a little keyhole detail at the top. Very soft. I fondled her ass through her panties. The dolly was anatomically perfect. Her ass was full and round. My palm wrapped around each cheek perfectly. She was like a custom doll fitted just for me. I became bolder and moved her panties out of the way. I rubbed her butt with my hand. She was so soft, like human flesh.

I sat back and lightly spanked the dolly on my lap and watched the party for a little while. There was a bit more activity and the sling had a group around it. I spanked the dolly a little more intensely and got a rhythm going. I was very happy spanking the dolly. All of a sudden the dolly shuddered a bit. Uh-oh! Was there some kind of internal mechanism that I had jolted? Did I break the dolly?

I don’t think anybody noticed anything wrong. The dolly seemed to be working okay again. I decided to pretend as if nothing bad happened. I pulled on the dolly’s long red hair until she sat up again. She looked okay and it even seemed that her smile was bigger. Maybe that was just my imagination. I held her in my lap for a while.

SPANKING

Back in the days before I discovered kink, my favorite vanilla sex was rough doggie style. For me, it was more about getting slammed from behind than it was about fucking. That rhythmic pounding felt very good to me. When I finally found the BDSM/kink community, I discovered spanking and my sex life took off.

Some people call spanking a gateway to BDSM, and it’s true, many of us start on our kink path with spanking and explore further from there. Other people focus strictly on spanking, and there are whole spanking communities for them, even some who believe that spanking is totally nonsexual. Ack! As for me, I think spanking is the perfect foreplay.

Spanking is great for novices because you don’t need any fancy equipment. Some people new to kink can be frightened or intimidated by heavy-duty black leather implements like paddles and truncheons. With spanking, you can just use your hands. It’s so convenient.

Some of us get spanked just because it feels good—it’s purely about the sensation of a cadenced beating. A good spanking can give you and your partner much pleasure. The goal is not to hurt the receptive partner, but rather to give them an erotic and sensual experience.

Spanking has always had a strong association with punishment: tanning someone’s hide is supposed to teach them a lesson, keep them in line, and make them behave better in the future. This can lead to marvelous role play scenarios. You can be a parent, babysitter, teacher, or nun and give your naughty boy or girl a spanking for doing something bad. Or perhaps a spanking is a reward for good service, a ritual to start a scene, or a birthday surprise for your favorite “kid.” Public spankings, at a play party or leather event, can be part of a rite of passage—perhaps an initiation to a group or fraternity. Get into the fantasy of it and have fun.

Always communicate with your partner and negotiate a spanking before it happens. Remember, some people are triggered by spanking, punishment, or certain kinds of role play. They may have had bad experiences growing up and spanking may push them to an emotionally dangerous place. Don’t force it.

Before you start, set up a good environment for your spanking. The room temperature should be comfortable. Unless you want to set up a role play scenario out in the woodshed, nobody can enjoy themselves if they are shivering. Adjust the lighting. Music can alter the whole scene: for example, a boppy song like Madonna’s “Hanky Spanky” will set an entirely different mood than a Gregorian chant. Of course, one atmosphere is not better than another. Add your own touches. Make it your own.

You don’t need any accessories or physical preparation for this activity, but it is a good idea to find a position that works for both of you. Get comfortable, because for a nice long sensual spanking you may want to stay in this position for a while. Try sitting on the couch with your partner across your lap. I love what I call the “Princess” position, where I pile all the pillows behind me on the bed and relax propped up like royalty with my partner lying across me right under my hand.

There are other good positions, depending on what you want to emphasize. If you want your partner in a position where you can get access to his genitals, have him bend over a sturdy table or a chair. Or, if you are in a dungeon, there are pieces of equipment like a horse or spanking bench that work well. Maybe your spanking is part of a role play scenario where you sit in a chair and your partner lies over your lap for a traditional over-the-knee (OTK) spanking. If you want to be really strict and give your bottom a physical challenge, have her stand and bend over holding her ankles or knees.

There are also psychological considerations to positioning. You can control somebody by using bondage or holding them down. How you hold them can instill a sense of safety or fear. You can have them present themselves in a manner that reinforces submission or humiliation. For example, responding to your order to kneel on the bed with her head down and her ass up in the air can be very submissive; taking his pants down and letting them pool around his ankles could be humiliating to some people.

And some positions are just more ergonomic for the spanker. What feels best to you? If you need to hit hard, try a position to give you the ability to swing your arm with the most power. And there’s no reason to just stay in one position the whole time. It is okay to move around.

A spanking scene should not be rushed. Feel the intimacy. Enjoy this different kind of closeness. It can be especially sensuous if you are both naked. Feel the weight of your partner’s body, his skin texture, the way he breathes, the way he moves. Set the tone through intentional touch. For example, holding someone close to you with your nonspanking hand can give a feeling of being protected and taken care of. Grabbing ahold of your bottom’s hair can make her feel dominated or even terrorized.

A spanking can be pleasurable, painful, or both—it can “hurt so good.” What can be very confusing is that different people like different levels of sensation. What one person experiences as a medium spanking can feel like a severe spanking to someone else. So, how do we regulate ourselves so that the experience is good? Start slowly!

Warm-up is very important. It prepares your partner. You are seducing your partner both physically and mentally. Rub your partner’s butt lightly. Take a lot of time and let him become accustomed to your touch. Move to light pats and escalate very slowly to slaps. If you take your time, your partner will adjust to the heavier sensations gradually. It is very important to build slowly so that your partner will interpret the spanking as pleasure and not as pain.

Communication is very important here. The person getting spanked should be giving feedback. Do you like the sensation? Then say so! Not all audible feedback is through words. Moan. Purr. Giggle. And feedback can be nonverbal as well. Writhe. Wiggle. Raise your butt to meet the spanks. But sometimes the feedback is not so easy to interpret. What if the person getting spanked growls or starts stomping her feet? What does that mean? It could be a reaction that means the spanking is good or it could mean it’s too much. The spanker should pause and ask, “What does it mean when you growl like that?” Sometimes the person getting spanked cries. For some people that is a good thing; it is a cathartic way of letting go, clearing the mind, or cleansing emotions. For one person, it can feel really good to cry and keep going; for another, crying means the scene is over.

Everybody has a spanking sweet spot—an area on their ass that feels especially good to them. For most female-bodied people, it is the lower half of the butt in the center. Spanking that spot vibrates straight through to the clitoris. For most male-bodied people, the sweet spot is a little higher, over the anus, where the vibrations go through to the prostate. Some people like it higher or lower on their ass cheeks and may also like spanking on the fronts, backs, or insides of their thighs. Explore and see what feels best to your partner. Spank around her sweet spot and spank directly on it. You can hit all the meaty parts of your partner’s body. Avoid hitting over bones, joints, and areas above soft-tissue organs like kidneys.

Your hand is capable of imparting lots of different sensations; using them in different ways can vary your spanks. A cupped hand feels completely different from a flat hand. When you use a cupped hand, you are delivering your hit with a soft pocket of air. A flat hand strikes with a bigger punch. Fingers apart gives a more stinging feeling than fingers together. Striking with just the fingers gives more sting, whereas the whole hand gives more thud. Try different types of spanks and see what reactions you get from your partner.

Accessorize for sensation! Experiment with wearing a glove: a soft lined leather glove can add thud; a thin latex glove can add sting. Does your hand get tired or does your partner want more than you can dish out with your bare hand? Try a paddle. Everybody has different preferences: you can choose a leather, wood, rubber, or plastic paddle. My favorite is a leather paddle covered in fur (or faux fur) on one side. It’s two sensations in one toy: one side is thuddy and the other is stingy. You don’t need to go to a fetish store or spend a lot of money. See what you already have: a big wooden spoon, a spatula, a slipper, a hairbrush, or a Ping-Pong paddle. Try a rubber flip-flop and see what sensations you can create with it—get creative!

As the scene progresses, vary the stimulation. Pause during the spanking to caress your bottom’s butt cheeks very softly or use your fingernails to lightly scratch them. You can also add a toy: drag some sensuous bunny fur, a tickly feather, an ice cube, or a pointy letter opener across her butt. You’ll be surprised at how sensitive the butt is after having been spanked—every feeling is now magnified. You might get a fun reaction: he may yelp or shudder or squirm.

I love adding a butt plug to a spanking scene. Lightly tap the inserted plug and the vibrations will go all the way through his body. This works best with plugs made of silicone. Spank around the plug, but be careful about spanking directly on it. Depending on the size and shape, it might not feel good. Other people like adding a dildo to a spanking. Again, different people like different things.

Be sensitive to your partner. Watch her body to see how she reacts to different techniques. As you increase the sensation and the scene continues, her breathing is likely to change. She may wiggle or stiffen. She may make more noises. She may even break out in a sweat. Everybody reacts differently. Again, if you are not sure how to interpret your partner’s reactions, ask how he is feeling and what he is feeling. Remember that the same reaction from two different people may mean different things, so don’t assume.

Get a rhythm going. Once your partner is warmed up, get into a percussive groove. The beat (yes, that’s a pun) should be determined by how your partner reacts, not by the soundtrack you’ve created. Many people, especially female-bodied people, can reach orgasm just from spanking. For others, it is good lovemaking all by itself.

Some people need a little help to come to orgasm from spanking. Sometimes I reach around with my other hand and spank her clit. The type of spank I use depends on what she likes: sometimes a firm slap or a cupped hand is best. Either way, keep a steady rhythm. With some people I use a vibrator. With a guy, grabbing and stroking his cock can work. Or have your bottom help themselves. Order them to masturbate.

When the spanking is over, keep the connection. Bask in the afterglow, both physical and emotional. Lots of cuddles and hugs. Or more sex! Spanking is great foreplay for other activities like fisting and fucking. Or caning.

CANES FOR PAIN AND PLEASURE

My ex-girlfriend, Peggy, was a great cook. She was also a big masochist. We were well suited for each other. Peggy would make me dinner and I would beat her. After a time, we developed a little game. I would tell her how terrible her cooking was and then I would “punish” her with a cane, her favorite toy. I would always tell her that I would give her another chance to get it right, and this snagged me another invitation to dinner. There were many fine dinners and many punishments. We even hung a cane in the kitchen so it would be right there for me to use.

One weekend, we traveled out of state to Jack’s house. Jack was a bachelor who ate a lot of pizza and Chinese takeout. He was very grateful that Peggy cooked us a fabulous home-cooked meal. The three of us sat down to eat. I took one bite and bellowed, “This is slop! Get me a cane!”

Peggy ran to get a cane. Jack looked down at his food and continued eating. He was totally silent, not wanting to get involved in what was going on. When Peggy came back, I gave her six full strokes of the cane—no warm-up.

We sat back down and continued eating. Jack squirmed in his seat and said in a small voice, “That was role play, wasn’t it?”

Peggy and I laughed and assured him that it truly was role play. Jack breathed a sigh of relief and said, “This is really good food.”

Now that you are all warmed up and you have your endorphins flowing from a spanking, you may want to try canes. Caning was traditional for severe punishment in the Victorian era and in the British school system, so canes can be the center of some great role play opportunities. Because of their perceived severity, canes have developed a reputation as the “scariest” of all BDSM impact toys, but a caning can be light and sensuous or heavy and painful—it’s all about how you wield the cane. Learn how to use a cane properly, build your skills, and you can control the sensations you create. As with spanking, some people get very turned on by being caned and others can orgasm from a caning.

The first order of business is to select a cane. Traditional canes are made of rattan, not bamboo or wood, and should be able to bend significantly. Don’t be put off by a cane that is not straight. But while they usually have a curve, canes should always flow in a straight line without any bends. A cane should not wobble when you swing it. You should buy a cane from a store (rather than online or through the mail), so you can test different types. Canes vary in length anywhere from 20 to 36 inches long. Shorter ones are best for novices because they are easier to control; longer ones allow you to hit with more force. The diameters also range from very thin and whippy to much thicker and thumpy. Thinner canes feel stingy and thicker canes feel thuddy. Everybody has different preferences. Some people like both. Maybe they like starting with the thuddy and then moving into stingy after they are warmed up. Check out the tip of the cane to be sure it is well rounded. I also appreciate a comfortable handle. To test a cane, swish it through the air (not too hard or it will break). Does it travel in a smooth line? Give it a quarter turn in your hands and try again. Keep trying until you find the most effective way to hold it. Be sure not to grip the cane too tightly.

Canes are either varnished or left natural. Which one you pick is a matter of taste, but both do require some maintenance. Canes are organic roots from the earth and they dry out. Natural canes need to be treated with water—just soak them in the bathtub. Varnished canes have their moisture sealed in, but sometimes that seal cracks. Just sand the tip and stand the cane up in some linseed oil for a few days, and it will soak up the moisture. You can reseal it with some varnish or clear nail polish.

Canes made from synthetic materials are technically rods, not canes, but they are striking implements, so I include them in the discussion. Synthetic rods are dense, for harder and more penetrating hits. They need a lot less maintenance than canes and are easy to clean. Look for a rod made of Delrin, Lexan, or fiberglass—acrylic rods are more likely to break.

Before you hit someone you love with a cane, you may want to practice with an inanimate object, like a pillow. The nap on a velvet pillow can show where your strokes are landing, which is useful for you to see. Or you can use baby powder on the tip of the cane to see where it lands on a dark-colored pillow. Practicing with a pillow can help you to develop your technique and build your confidence.

As with spanking, the traditional position for having your ass caned is bent over. This offers up a nice big target to strike. Caning someone who is standing upright is much more difficult, as there is less surface area. The person receiving the caning could also lie flat on the bed—this can be very relaxing for a serious caning. As in spanking, you want to build up gradually, not too hard and not too fast. If you just start out hitting hard, your partner will likely use her safeword to stop the scene and may be totally turned off to doing any more caning scenes. Warm up with a nice spanking and ease into light taps with the cane. Get those endorphins flowing.

Caning is best on the sweet spot with the lower portion of the cane landing in the middle on both ass cheeks at once. The tip should not go beyond the meat of the ass. The upper thighs—front, back, and insides—can also be caned. The fold between the butt and thighs is safe but can be painful. Stay away from bony areas, especially the tailbone. Do not hit above the top of the ass crack, because there’s soft tissue there as well as the sciatic nerve. It is best to hit too low rather than too high, but never so low as to hit the backs of the knees.

When starting a caning session, begin with light taps. Do not use a death grip on the cane. Hold it lightly, so it almost swivels in the hand. As you ramp up the scene, use more wrist action. After a while, you can start using your forearm. Once a bottom is warmed up—and how long that can take is different for everybody—you may be able to do full strokes. Because canes are so flexible, a hard stroke can bend the cane 90 degrees or more. The tip travels very quickly—only a singletail travels faster. Accuracy is crucial: a mis-hit is very painful and can be dangerous. The most common error is wrapping, where the tip of the cane goes beyond the meat of the ass, wraps around the butt, and strikes the side of the hip. Some people don’t have a lot of padding there, but regardless, it is not an erotic spot to hit. Wrapping happens because the top’s body dynamics change when going from a warm-up to a full strike. The tendency is to move your body, the cane, or both farther forward toward the bottom, which can make the cane wrap. Avoid wrapping by compensating and stepping back a little. Beginning caners can also use padding as extra protection for the person being caned. Put your bottom in a long corset or a weight belt or between two pillows; these accessories and the pillows on either side can protect from mis-hits and wrapping.

When the strike lands, the bottom does not experience the sensation immediately. It takes a while for the sensation to dissipate. The strike lands, there is a little pause, and then the bottom feels it: a hot pain that radiates outward. Timing is key: space out the strokes, or else your partner will go numb and won’t feel anything. Wait about 12–18 seconds, before the pain goes away, and then strike again. I like to ask my partners to tell me when the sensation has gone away. You may be surprised at how long it lasts. You can also watch your partner and wait for him to relax his butt muscles. Again, feedback is so important. Watch her move. Listen to her breathing. Deep, careful breathing is good; short, choppy breathing is not. Strike on the bottom’s exhale. I like to match their breathing and get into a rhythm.

My favorite way to ascertain how hard the strikes are is to ask partners to rate a hit from 1 to 10. As the scene moves forward, a strike that was rated as a 7 eventually becomes a 3! Vary the strikes. Hit a few medium strikes and then do a heavier one. A snappy blow that is pulled back a bit just before impact will sting more. Follow through past the impact for more thud and penetration. Touch, rub, or caress the butt or genitals between strokes.

As with spanking, you can add dildos, butt plugs, and vibrators for pleasure. One of my play partners likes to rub himself up against pillows while I am caning him in bed. We get into a rhythm: stroke of the cane, a slight pause, and then he writhes against the pillow slowly. Then he gets back into a position where I can cane him again. It’s very sexy.

Like rhythmic spanking, rhythmic caning can produce orgasms. Once, during a good caning scene with my girlfriend, I saw her breathing change and her body stiffen, so I backed down. The next day, she told me that if I had kept going, she would have come. I had mistaken her reactions for distress. The next time we played, I watched her and realized that, yes, she was working her way up to an orgasm. I kept up the rhythm and she came.

Sensuous spanking does not usually incur a lot of bruising, especially after a nice slow warm-up, but it can happen. However, most people do bruise from a good caning. Everyone’s body responds differently. Some people love the bruises. They are “souvenirs” or reminders of a good time. Some people like to look at them in the mirror or show them off. To lessen bruising, apply cold during the first 48 hours afterward; after that, apply heat. Keep the skin moisturized with some nice lotion. Arnica from the health food store also heals bruising.

FLOGGING

In any dungeon, the most ubiquitous item in BDSM toy bags is the flogger. This toy is popular because it can provide a wide variety of sensations. Most people have several floggers because it’s so hard to pick just one.

Look at the handle. Many traditional floggers have braided leather handles with knots. Does this work look tight and even? Other floggers may have wooden handles. How does it feel in your hand? Does the weight of the handle versus the tails feel balanced in your hand? The length and diameter of the handle should feel proportionate to the tails. Try swinging the flogger to see if it is ergonomic for your body. Decide what feels best to you. If you have small hands, a larger-diameter handle may not feel secure in your hands. Just as a tennis racket should fit your hand and your body, so should a flogger. But not all floggers will fit your body the same way either; picture how a badminton racket feels right yet is different from a tennis racket that also feels right.

Your other consideration is the tails of the flogger. How long should your flogger be? The longer tails travel a greater arc from you. They provide more impact, but also require more strength from you. Shorter tails are often better for beginners because you can have better control for accuracy. A shorter length is also better for tight spaces, like a bedroom with a ceiling fan. If you do acquire a flogger that is too long for you, do not cut the tails: you will ruin the balance of the whip. It is best to trade the flogger with a friend or give it away as a gift.

What material should the flogger’s tails be made from? Of course, leather is classic, but there are many kinds of leather. Deerskin, elk, and lambskin are lightest and softest; oil-tanned leather and bullhide are heavier. Cowhide can range in weight from light to heavy depending on the thickness of the leather. Buffalo and bison are thick but not as dense and give the most thud.

There are also other materials available. Rubber is quite severe. The rubber grips the skin and pulls it away from the body. Bunny fur is light and fluffy. Horsehair is very scratchy (and it’s even more intense when wet). Vegans prefer floggers made from plastic or rope. Different people prefer different sensations. Most people prefer “sting” or “thud.”

Most floggers have about 18 to 26 tails, but they can range from as few as four up to 150 for a specialty “mop,” which is extremely thuddy. The tips of the tails can be rounded or cut diagonally to a point. Pointy tips offer more sting.

Cats have braided tails. They are lighter in weight and do not take as much power to use, but they give a real bang for the buck. The tighter they are braided, the more sting they impart. For greater severity, the ends can be knotted. Flat braids allow more contact with the edges of the tails and can be especially mean.

All these types of floggers feel different. Most people have a variety of floggers so that they can vary the sensation during a scene. They may begin with a deerskin flogger for warm-up, progress to cowhide, and escalate to something heavier. Ask your partner what she likes. An experienced bottom can tell you exactly what she prefers and may even own her own floggers. A novice may not know what he likes, and it is best to start with something light like a deerskin flogger. A deerskin flogger is also very good for a novice top, because you can’t do too much damage with it.

Janette Heartwood was one of the best flogger-making artisans in the country. She taught that a good flogging scene incorporated Accuracy, Intensity, and Connection.

Accuracy

Accuracy means that the flogger lands where you intend it to strike. Practice your swing without hitting your partner. Get a nice smooth consistent “throw.” Move an inch closer to your partner and keep throwing the flogger. Watch and estimate where it will land. Adjust your throw so that it will land in the right area. Continue to inch closer until the flogger strikes. At this point, you should be hitting with just the tips. As you move closer, you will connect with more of the “meat” of the tails.

Accuracy is important, not just because you want to control where you hit, but also because it allows your partner to relax and trust you. In order to enjoy the sensation, your partner needs to be confident that you know what you are doing. However, nobody is perfect. You will miss your mark at times. It is important to acknowledge these times. I might say, “Oh, that was a little high. I’m sorry,” and caress the area before continuing. This is critical, because if the bottom thinks you did not realize you made a mistake, she’ll worry that you will err again. You don’t want her to worry about your technique; you want her to relax and enjoy.

Even a very experienced player sometimes hits wrong. I used to really beat myself up about that. And then I played with a very experienced bottom who complimented me on my skill. I remarked that I had hit him high a couple of times. He told me that I had hit him hundreds of times and those two misses made me 99 percent accurate. I have since stopped criticizing myself for not being perfect.

Intensity

Strike gently at first using a short, soft flogger. You can gradually hit harder as you gain skill and confidence. Starting slow also gives the bottom a warm-up, a chance to acclimate to the blows. What feels painful in the beginning may be very pleasurable after the warm-up. Gradually ramp up using longer and either more thuddy or more stingy floggers. Ask your partner if he likes the sting or the thud. Experienced bottoms know what they like; novices will need to try different sensations to learn what they like. Vary your strikes: fast and slow, tips and meat of the tails. Experiment with different ways to throw the flogger. What feels good to you? And what feels good to your partner?

Your partner should be giving you feedback, telling you what feels good and what does not. Remember that much of this feedback will be nonverbal, in the form of body language. Often you can read this body language, but sometimes your partner may move in a way that you can’t interpret. It is okay to ask! A movement one bottom makes to process a sensation that feels good, like stamping his feet, could be the reaction of another bottom when it does not feel good. Everybody reacts differently.

Guy Baldwin speaks of a cycle that begins with the top striking. The bottom takes the strike and processes it. Then the bottom responds. Finally, the top reads the response and decides how and when to strike next. This cycle happens very quickly and those who may be watching are unable to see the communication that is occurring.

Connection

Flogging is like riding a bicycle. When you first get on a bike, you are worried about just staying upright. You are overwhelmed with steering, braking, and just getting it to go forward without crashing. After some practice, you begin to really ride—you hop on and stop thinking about how to maneuver the bike. You enjoy the wind in your hair and you’re able to take in the scenery. Likewise, once you get comfortable with the mechanics of flogging, you are free to enjoy a flogging scene in which the flogger is simply a tool that enables you and your partner to take an ecstatic ride together.

A powerful flogging is a way to explore strength. It can build confidence and self-esteem through the challenge of taking it, which can be very exciting and satisfying. It can be a means of catharsis, letting go and clearing the mind and the heart. The afterglow of a good flogging is both physical and emotional. Both the bottom and the top feed off this energy that they create together.

Impact play, whether spanking, caning, flogging, or any combination of these, can enhance your sex or just be fulfilling by itself. Try these activities and see how they work for you. It is different for everybody. And it can vary each time you do it.

Author’s Note: I learned all this from various people in the BDSM community, and I am still learning. I wish to acknowledge Jo Arnone, Guy Baldwin, Hilton Flax, Janette Heartwood, Conrad Hodson, Michael from Paddles, Constance Slater, and Sharrin Spector.

One of the greatest misconceptions in the world of sadomasochism and dominance and submission is the role of a sex slave or pleasure slave. Whenever I meet someone who says they’re a sex slave, I know they mean two things: 1) they don’t do housework, and 2) they have sex with their top.

Obviously, there’s a problem with this definition of sex slave, and that’s the absence of the whole “slave” part. Frankly, it’s rarely the fault of the would-be slave; they have been clear about their limits and preferences. I am not that fond of housework myself, and if all a top wants is sex, that is generally an easy thing to provide. But let’s face it—most adult sexual relationships involve people having sex with each other. A sex slave differs from the slave who polishes the silver in that the single most important task of a sex slave is to aid their top in the pursuit of orgasms. Making it kinky, different, and within the realm of dominance and submission is the trick. That’s where you—the responsible, clever, demanding, knowledgeable, sexy, and above all, dominant top—need to take on the awesome powers of your role. (And, coincidentally, get the best sex of your life, while pleasing your partner or partners at the same time. What a bargain, right?)

First, let’s get some concepts organized here. I assume that there is a working adult relationship between two or more people who consent to at least one of them taking the controlling and dominant role: the top (also called mistress, master, lord, lady, dominant, daddy, mommy, Ruler of the Universe, etc.). At least one other person has agreed to take the position of the submissive partner, who has given leadership and authority to the top, and a certain amount of trust. That is the role I call the bottom (also known as the slave, submissive, boy, girl, pet, etc.). People who meander from one side to the other are called awesomely sexy—or, sometimes, switches.

NEGOTIATING WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, WHY

Consent is a primary requirement, one of those big “duh!” items. But you also need to negotiate what your arrangement will look like. Is this a full-time thing? Does it only apply to weekends when you are together? Is it limited to a certain list of behaviors and themes and to certain times and places? How much time can the top reasonably require the bottom to give to this training, considering other responsibilities and restrictions on their time? Can the top punish the bottom for missing the mark, and if so, how? The more parameters you talk about before you start, the fewer times you will need to put up the “time out” signal and have a “What the fuck was that about?” conversation. No one wants to have those.

In your negotiation, you should both understand why you want to start a sex slave training program. The first—and best—reason should be to have better sex. Other good reasons might include the romance of dominance and submission, the excitement of playing with power, the fun of role playing, the satisfaction of learning something new and discovering these things together. In a world that is unfair and often arbitrary and cruel, the ability to escape into the timelessness of our erotic relationships is priceless; a system where excellence and goodness are rewarded and correction and punishment are given with trust and affection is an added bonus. So, talk about it and come up with some reasons why you want to train a sex slave, why your slave wants to be so trained.

You probably think you know what sex is. Here’s the working definition I use: Sex is any activity that increases the potential for orgasm.

Pick up your jaw. Surely you didn’t think sex was limited to “When two perverts love each other very much, the boy pervert puts his penis into the girl pervert…”? Once you expand sex beyond heterosexual procreation, it can get deliciously tricky. Yes, blow jobs are sex! So is cunnilingus, anal sex, fucking between the thighs and between the tits, and hand jobs. So is telling your partner a story while she uses a vibrator. So is a long spanking, Japanese bondage, dancing the tango, masturbation, dirty talk—you get the picture.

We can’t limit ourselves to activities in which orgasm is always or even usually achieved. If we relied on that definition, many women never have sex while being vaginally penetrated. Also, those with limited sensation in the lower genitals might never achieve orgasm, and yet feel pleasurable sensations from sexual activities.

Already, the potential for being a sex slave is growing—can you see it? A sex slave should aid in any activity that increases the potential for the top to have an orgasm. But it’s still not a complete picture, because it is missing the single element required to make it work—the active and controlling role of the top.

“But all I want is for them to have sex with me when I want to!” This is the usual cry from tops who are not quite sure what to do with someone as wonderful as a potential sex slave. This is not entirely about a lack of imagination: for many people, a partner or two who will have sex with us any time we want is enough of a fantasy to make for many happy years. The challenge—and part of the pleasure—for a good top is not only to enforce their sexual will upon their loving slave when they want sex, but how they want it. This is made possible by a training regimen that includes exercises, assignments, rewards, and punishments.

Training is by its very nature an act of authority and dominance. Tops should strive to use any tool they can to evidence their authority; otherwise their slaves will wind up running things. Don’t believe me? Sit back and wait, and you will see how many slaves cheerfully take control of a situation. If that makes you happy, and it makes them happy, you can skip this chapter and move on to another topic. But if you want a more structured relationship where the top is actually applying dominance and the bottom is actually submitting to the top’s authority, give training a try.

Dominant/submissive relationships and play styles are a very common kink, and subject to a lot of misinformation. Do not be misled by well-meaning people who tell you that you need to be full-time, 24/7, total-power-exchange, whatever the new trend is, to do it “right.” The tips in this chapter are guidelines—use them the way you might use a recipe on the back of a box of spaghetti. It might work for you as is—or you might want a dash more basil, fewer pine nuts, or a ton of extra cheese. You need to make the relationship that fits you and your partners best, not the one that sounds good in Internet chat rooms. Whether you do this to spice up date nights, on alternate weekends, only when on vacation, or anytime you can find the energy and privacy, just make sure you do it when it makes you happiest.

EXERCISES AND ASSIGNMENTS

The first step in training a sex slave is to identify your ultimate goal. Yes, “The slave should please the mistress at all times,” sounds very nice in the abstract, but strive for specific goals on a more narrow track. Training, like the rest of our kinky relationship styles, is above all personal. Never try to use someone else’s training program! What do they know about your preferences, your style, your relationship, your lovers? Nada, zilch, zip. Using their training would be like using their underwear; it might look like it fits, but wouldn’t you rather have your own?

So, start out with something you enjoy, a pleasure your slave might become better at providing. Let’s say a mistress really enjoys having her pussy licked, and her slave is adequate at pussy licking, but perhaps not inspired. The goal is to get the slave up to speed on cunnilingus.

Next, the top determines what exercises you can use to improve the slave’s linguistic talents. Of course, some exercises will be personal and sexual: “Lick me there. Harder. Swirl your tongue. Now, suck my clit.” These instructions, delivered while the slave services the top, are the most obvious start of a training program. You can also deliver instructions before you practice the act. “Using your tongue like a brush, spell out all the words to ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ on my clit, and suck on my labia during the instrumental parts.”

But there’s no need to stop there. How about including others in the training? If you are polyamorous or nonmonogamous, bring in a special teacher, or someone to practice with, or on. Or bring in some inanimate teachers—dildos to stand in for cocks, little candies for clits, pillows and balloons for skills in beating, shaving, body painting, whatever floats your boat. Due to the restrictions on nudity and sexual behavior in public, sexuality educators have found many ingenious ways to demonstrate erotic techniques on and with objects. Feel free to use their tricks for your own training program. Of course, you can also send your slave to attend classes and workshops given by others and report back to you on what they learn. An order to learn something is an assignment.

Assignments can be brief and amusing, like “Find ten slang terms for cunnilingus.” They can include more serious research, as in “Read this book on anal sex and fisting.” Or they can consist of directions to practice a technique: “Massage five people at next weekend’s fetish frolic.” They can be geared toward a specific act, or even to a style of behavior. Suppose you and your partners love the fantasy of an Edwardian household, complete with high teas and fancy clothing and strict master/servant roles. Assign your sex slave to find the right clothing, and set the scene for the grand, formal tea-service-and-caning you schedule for your next big date night. Or have them read some nice Victorian porn to you, posed on their knees while you sip your tea or brandy.

When training expands beyond the realm of sexual techniques and encompasses role playing and other behaviors, the world likewise grows tenfold. Suppose it’s not just the sex and play and fucking the top enjoys, but the attitude of the bottom that makes her so much more ecstatic. Maybe you enjoy a cringing, fearful victim for your diabolic schemes as opposed to a fancy-free happy slut! Or, perhaps the formality of the whole “Yes, my lord and master” role play is more to your taste than “Sure, honey, right after I worm the cat.” Either way, giving the bottom an order to behave the way you like for a set amount of time is a great way not only to use that authority of yours but to set yourselves up for some great flirting.

Flirting? Why not? Flirting should not end just because you have an established relationship. And erotic role play, whether full-time or fit-into-your-busy-lives-whenever-you-have-the-time-and-privacy-to-enjoy-it, is flirtatious, sexy, and its own reward. So tell your slave, “On Saturday, all day, I will be holding you captive; tremble and obey!” That is an assignment that should be received with pleasure and anticipation. The worst that can happen is a few giggles. These can be survived.

An important thing to remember when developing training exercises around role playing and fantasy games is to make sure everyone is on the same page. Parent/child role playing is very popular, whether it’s a naughty boy getting spanked over Mommy’s knee or Daddy’s precocious little slut trying to find out what happens when she does this. But if the Daddy in question wants a precious girly partner who will climb on his lap and kiss him shyly and tease him with her white panties, but the little girl in question wants Daddy to sneak into her bedroom at night and hold her down in the dark while saying terrible things—this will not be a good date, let alone an example of good training.

REWARD AND PUNISHMENT

The next step in developing your personal training program is to figure out what to do when your slave 1) does things wrong, and 2) does things right. Both of these are fun and will improve your sex and play and enhance your dominant/ submissive roles.

Your two responses are called punishments and rewards, and yes, I meant it when I said both are fun. If you are not having fun doing something in your relationship, then don’t do it! One thing some people seem not to understand about these ways of enhancing our lives and our partnerships is that they are all optional; none of them should be a burden. And this includes the scary concept of punishment.

Remember, the goal of your training program is to improve your sex life and enhance dominance and submission. Your submissive partner already wants to please you, and already gets pleasure out of doing so, as a volunteer. The ability to punish him for doing something wrong is what shows that you, the top, are the one in authority. It also shows that the top is paying attention, which is perhaps even more important. Everyone likes to be the center of attention—bottoms more than most people, even if they insist otherwise.

Suppose the bottom has been engaged in a strict training program in toe sucking, also known as shrimping. This specific fetishy behavior can be very tricky to master, despite seeming sort of obvious. (Take toe into mouth. Suck. Repeat.) Problems can arise, however, if the toe suckee is also ticklish, or likes specific tonguing behavior, or wants special attention paid to one toe over the others, or wants a massage with the hands at the same time, or, well, anything else. One fine and sexy night, the bottom forgets the vital instruction to cup the top’s heels in both hands while lovingly laving the little piggies. When the top comes out of her postorgasm stupor (if she gets that far without this critical bit of stimulation) she can announce with glee—or dire and stern mien, if that’s her style—that the bottom, having failed to be completely pleasing, is now subject to punishment.

This point in the scene is a good reminder of why partners need to complete their consent and negotiation way ahead of time. But even if the bottom draws the line and says, “Nope, no hitting me or making me stand in the corner. No one puts Baby in the corner,” for whatever good reasons he may have, the top can usually come up with some way to express a negative and dominant reaction to an error or failure that does not bring up bad memories, make the bottom feel dumb or unattractive, or in any other way betray the positive and sexy aspects of their relationship. For some people, it’s as easy as “Do it again, slave!” Or it might require more creativity, such as: “To make amends for your toe sucking catastrophe, you will have to attend the next chick flick/action adventure movie with me and not whisper a single catty thing during the whole show.” Believe me, they’d probably prefer that you spanked them.

If, however, spanking (or other sex and play activity) is on the table, punishment becomes what I call “another excuse to play.” If your relationship is more formal, make the punishments very different from what you use for fun. Bring out the canes if you normally use your open hand, or the steel handcuffs if you normally use the soft leather cuffs. Make it quick and complete, and include a chance for the bottom to beg for mercy (because that’s hot), then offer forgiveness, smooch or otherwise soothe, and move on to greater efforts at improvement. For many people who enjoy the submissive role, being punished is one of the times when they feel authentically submissive—they are accepting something they’d rather not have. This expression of their obedience is paradoxically very rewarding. Many bottoms report that after being punished, the moments of discomfort and embarrassment actually turn to memories they embrace with pride and affection, or even reenact in whack-off fantasies. Just make sure that all your play is not punishment—that will just lead to deliberate disobedience to get sexed up. Not that there’s too much wrong with that—if that’s what you intend. But if you want a more positive training experience, you have to use the next item on the list of training tools: a reward.

The other side of the punishment coin is rewarding your bottom. Rewards can be anything the bottom likes, ranging from “Do it again, slave!” to accompanying them to the next chick flick/action adventure movie and not making too many catty comments during the show. Or, for that matter, a spanking. You can even get tricky and reward him with a new assignment. But whatever reward you use, make sure it’s accompanied by some verbal praise and affection and you will find the light of pleasure and adoration shining all around you. For obvious reasons, rewards are less tricky to negotiate than punishments—you will rarely run into a reward that might stir bad memories of toxic parenting or dismal school days. But it’s always a good idea to know exactly what the bottom likes, lest you announce a reward that he might accept with a raised eyebrow or giggles. Beware of “Homer Simpson” rewards: Don’t give your slave a bowling ball that fits your hand—get him a butt plug that fits his ass.

BEING CREATIVE

Eventually, even the most jaded of tops might find that they seem to have trained their bottoms in everything they want. This is usually a combination of laziness and lack of imagination. Why should you stop refining pleasure? Expand your training to more variations. When your sex slave has become the world’s most amazing cocksucker, start him on ass licking. Or, even better, assign him to find some new variation on cocksucking that is not currently in his repertoire. But be specific, so as not to look completely lazy. “Go learn something to please me” has got to be the worst cop-out tops use after “Go on the Internet to find the slave protocol.” Either way, you get what you deserve. Remember, this is all personal, and direction and leadership comes from the top. Give your slave what she needs to get her started! And if by chance you are very vague, accept what she offers with an open mind and good grace, and resolve to be more specific and dominant for the next assignment.

Keep in mind my definition of sexual behavior. It’s not just what gets you off, it’s what gets you in the neighborhood. Does a long, slow dance make you horny? Then having your slave become a good dancer is a worthy goal. Does having your back scrubbed with scented salt crystals in a hot shower make you more ready to turn around and fuck someone against the tiles? Then having the scrubs available—and the slave ready to hop into the shower with them—is part of what you might want to train them to do. And you can get more esoteric too—perhaps the slave should shop for new scrubs, or merely keep your favorites in stock. Or even make you some, if they are crafty that way.

While not limiting yourself to genitalia-based service, don’t box yourself off from the pleasures of receiving other SM-like pleasures. Many tops honestly enjoy a long, sensual beating or even a short and painful one. They just confuse the act of receiving pleasure in that way with being submissive. There is a huge difference between submitting to a lashing and ordering someone to beat you harder; knowing this and being able to enjoy whatever you like is part of what it means to be a confident, strong top.

Sadly, many dominant people have also deprived themselves of the pleasure of being fucked or sucking off their slaves because of the misconception that these things make them appear submissive. It is not the act which is dominant or submissive, but the attitudes and intentions of the partners that makes it so. “So, slave, have you earned the right to fuck me?” can be the most empowering, dominant thing a top can say, reducing the lucky bottom to a quivering mass of erotic flesh. Or it can merely be one of the slave’s many sexual uses; it’s your slave, after all. Their hands and cocks are yours, just as their mouths and other holes are. What use you make of their bodies and their skills is part of their sexual service to you. And if your new slave is unlearned in the art of top-fucking, lucky you: here is a brand-new opportunity for more training, more assignments, more rewards and punishments.

TESTING

One aspect of training you might also use for fun and profit is testing. I don’t include it as one of the basic concepts because, really, every time you have sex can be construed as a sort of test. But you can plan specific tests, whether you announce and schedule them or spring them on your slave with gleeful surprise. You can use a test to mark the end of a training period, or just to spice up a quiet weekend.

Say your sex slave has been blacking boots for three months now because having your boots done makes you so crazy sexed up you need your slave to learn every detail in order to make your boots sparkle and your wobbly bits eager. You can either announce the quiet evening at home with that treasured pair of boots you’ve withheld from him these long months, or you can set up something at your local leather bar with all your friends and family on hand to watch and celebrate. Your slave does the boots, you grab him and fuck him on the floor in the basement, or right there on the pool table in front of that gang of friends. He passed the test, yay! It’s happy all around.

Or, you’ve been having your slave learn the most advanced and esoteric fisting techniques for quite some time and you think she’s ready to give you the ride of your life. But instead of setting up the home dungeon with the sling and the candles and the soft music playing, you are waiting for her with heels in the air on the dining room table when she gets home from work. “Do me, slave,” you command. “Make it good, or it’s back to fingering cantaloupes for you.”

Training a sex slave does not lead to your normal pop quiz, that’s for sure.

Finally, remember that your training relationship is ultimately only a small part of your human interaction with your partner; it’s not required, not vital, and certainly not something worth making each other unhappy about. If it causes you to fight, or hurt each other’s feelings, suspend it and take care of what really matters first. Keep in mind that your goals are to expand your sexual playground, increase your erotic connection, enhance your intimacy, and embrace the complex and exciting aspects of dominance and submission. If these are foremost in your intentions and you can laugh at an occasional mistake without feeling threatened or diminished, your role as the leader and teacher, judge and arbiter, administrator of rewards and punishments will be all the more satisfying, both to you and your sex slave. And your slave will thank you for it. Exactly the way you prefer!

I never really thought about fisting until I was in my late 20s and just beginning to fully explore my sexuality. I came across some fisting porn on the Internet and really couldn’t see the point in it; it looked scary, painful, and decidedly unsexy. It took me a few years to get past my preconceptions about it; one day, it just clicked for me. Now it’s one of my favorite activities with new partners and long-term lovers alike, and every time I get the chance to be inside one of them it’s an entirely new experience for both of us.

As a fister, I get a feeling of exultation from penetrating my partner with a part of my body that is attached to me (something that I don’t otherwise have the ability to do). I love the feeling of my partner’s heartbeat through her vaginal walls; I love feeling the slickness of her body, the tightness around my hand, and hearing her expressions of arousal and exertion. I love helping her work toward the goal of my hand inside her; it feels like midwifing a spiritual experience, watching and exhorting her to take just a little more, breathe just a little deeper, relax and let the orgasm come. Fisting is a singularly spiritual and carnal experience, and it’s one that brings amazing intimacy with it.

Fisting is not a BDSM-only activity; yet, the combination of power, control, energy, and sex that it offers makes it a natural way to explore power exchange. It can affirm a bond between partners, requiring and building trust between people in a way that few other types of play can do. And it can be incorporated into almost any type of scene, from humiliation to reward to bondage to beatings, and even into spiritual guidance and growth.

Fisting is often misunderstood, not only because of the images that often spring to mind when talking about it (the old idea of “punch fucking,” for one), but also because we are generally not used to exploring the internal organs with as much mindfulness as is necessary to create a sexy, healthy scene. So, let’s start by taking a look at the physiology of the vagina.

PHYSIOLOGY

The vagina is a muscular tube that connects the cervix with the exterior of the body. (See Illustration 4.1: Female anatomy. It may be helpful for you to refer to this as you read through the next section.) It’s a multifunctional organ—it does everything from encouraging ejaculation during intercourse to passing a baby from the uterus into the world. The urethra and the glans of the clitoris are located just above the vaginal opening. It’s all protected by the labia majora and the labia minora, which cover the vaginal opening. While some people have smaller labia than others, everyone’s labia are very sensitive, and they can be one focus of stimulation during fisting. The entire vulva is a highly vascular area; a large number of blood vessels bring blood flow to the area, and a tremendous number of small capillaries are just under the surface of the vaginal tissue. This density of nerve endings, especially in the clitoris, means that even small, gentle sensations can create a very big impact in this region.

It’s important to remember that a number of other things are going on in the vaginal area. The G-spot, located on the front wall of the vagina, is for some people a highly sensitive area, responding especially well to pressure from fingers or hands. The A-spot (or anterior fornix) is another especially sensitive area, located at the deepest part of the vagina where the vaginal wall connects with the cervix. There is also the structure of the clitoris, which reaches up into the body and surrounds the vaginal walls. Visualizing the various anatomical areas when fisting can help you create more specific sensations and even stronger orgasms for your partner.

A word about pronouns: For consistency’s sake, I’ve chosen to use female pronouns to refer to the person being fisted. However, I recognize that people of all genders can have vaginas, and I encourage you to use the pronoun(s) that apply to you.

Vaginal walls are relatively stretchy—they are designed to allow for childbirth, after all—but there are a few factors that can affect the elasticity of the vagina and therefore a person’s ability to be fisted. The three main limiting factors are hormones, surgery, and bone structure.

Estrogen levels are part of what helps the vagina to remain elastic; those with a low level of estrogen, whether as a result of menopause, hormone therapy, or other causes, will find that the longer their estrogen level is low, the thinner and less elastic the vaginal walls become, and the more likely they are to tear. They may additionally find that they have problems with dryness and irritation due to a lower level of vaginal lubrication, which may make penetration more painful. There are a number of treatments for this, including estrogen suppositories and creams, that some people can use to reduce the irritation and help the vaginal walls retain more of their elasticity. Regardless of what treatment is used, when you know that your partner has lower estrogen levels, make sure to use plenty of lube, and choose lube that is less likely to contain irritants. And take plenty of time to warm her up.

Those who have had surgery on or around the vagina may also experience challenges with being fisted, primarily due to the presence of scar tissue. Scar tissue does not stretch like the skin that it covers; additionally, the skin around it may be weaker than usual. To help avoid pain, take care not to place too much pressure against the scar tissue—again, use plenty of lube. A number of women have had their vaginas created or altered through surgical means; while they may not have the natural stretchability of other vaginas, it is possible to fist them. The key to this is how much these women dilate and how much they engage in penetrative play; those who do either or both regularly are more likely to be able to receive a lover’s hand. However, this is one of those cases where your mileage may vary; even those who do stretch regularly still may not be able to get a whole hand inside them.

There is also build and bone structure to consider. Some people are “built small”—they may not have the ability to take a fist without a lot of work, if ever. Some people find that being fisted is very easy. In general, women who have given birth have an easier time with being fisted, as the ligaments in their pelvis loosen somewhat and are able to accommodate larger objects.

Together, all of these factors—as well as psychological and physical comfort—contribute to how easily someone can be penetrated with larger objects, including fists; by being aware of these factors and working with them, we can plan our scenes to be more pleasurable and longer lasting.

COMMUNICATION AND EXPECTATIONS

Fisting is one form of BDSM and sexual play that requires active and ongoing consent on the part of the recipient. It is very difficult to fist an unwilling partner; it’s also possible to do damage to someone’s vagina if she doesn’t communicate pain or discomfort to you. Furthermore, a successful fisting scene is a cooperative effort; the top and bottom need to be in communication about what is working and what isn’t, including things like whether there is enough lube, or there is a pinching sensation, or even whether the bottom needs to change positions. Finding a way to encourage this communication even in situations where there is a formal power exchange agreement is integral to the success of the scene and to the well-being of all participants.

A word about “success.” Many people feel that their fisting scene is not successful unless one partner has penetrated the other up to the wrist; if they haven’t, then it’s not a successful scene. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Just as everyone’s body is different, everyone’s body has different capabilities on different days. It’s not at all unusual for a regular fisting bottom to have a day when it’s just not working; likewise, sometimes even the most challenging vagina will open up to an object much larger than usual with little to no prep work. Often, our bodies show our stresses. If a bottom is worried that she will not be “good enough” if she can’t take her partner’s entire hand, she may not be able to relax enough to let it happen. Fisting is about the journey, not the destination. I’ve had scenes where I could only use three fingers on my partner that were far more physically and psychologically satisfying than scenes where my whole hand disappeared in under 10 minutes.

PREPARATION

When you’re getting started with your fisting scene, there are a few things you’ll want to have on hand. A high-quality lube is of primary importance; I recommend lubes that are glycerine and paraben free, as they are less likely to irritate vaginal tissue, but any lube that feels comfortable for the bottom will work. Some people prefer silicone lubes and others prefer water based; either of these is fine for vaginal use. I would steer clear of oil-based lubes, which can trigger yeast infections or other irritations. During fisting, the vaginal walls are more stressed than in most other kinds of penetration, so it’s very important to select the best-quality lube you can find to protect the tissue from abrasion and irritation.

I also highly recommend gloves, even for partners who are fluid-bonded. Our hands have a number of small rough spots, including hangnails, calluses, and dry skin, that can scratch and scrape the vaginal tissue; with a gloved hand you create a safe, smooth surface for fisting—it’s like the world’s most perfect sex toy! Both latex and nonlatex gloves are available; I prefer to use nitrile gloves (a nonlatex material), as they are unlikely to cause irritation to my partner and tend to be stronger than latex gloves. If you have longer fingernails, I recommend either clipping and filing them or tucking small bits of cotton ball into the fingertips of the gloves to cover your nails and keep them from feeling sharp for your partner.

If possible, I also recommend placing an absorbent underpad or towel underneath the fistee. A really good fisting can be messy; with lube, ejaculate, and other bodily fluids, it’s easier to plan for a mess and not worry about it later. A vibrator is another handy tool to have; many people like to have their clitoris or anus stimulated during a fisting scene.

Relaxation is the key to fisting. Having the bottom in a position that relieves the tension on her legs and hips goes a long way toward helping her open up to your hand. For some people, this may mean that they are most comfortable on their back with their ankles propped up in ankle straps on a sling or on their partners shoulders (my personal favorite); for others, it may mean that they’re lying on their side, or on their belly, or even on all fours. Trying a few different positions, even changing it up in the middle of the scene, can offer a lot of insight into what works—especially when it gives you an opportunity to slip your hand in at different angles and adjust to the changing physiology of your partner.

Some people like to use chemical means to help relax: “poppers,” a glass of wine, some pot, or another substance that they feel helps them ease into being fisted. Unfortunately, when we take chemicals to relax, we also lose some of our ability to feel and respond accurately to sensations that may be the precursor to injuries. Part of being risk aware is both understanding and acknowledging the risks of playing in a particular way; we take steps to minimize or eliminate as much of those risks as possible. With fisting, it’s worth giving some thought to and discussing whether it’s a good idea to be under the influence of any mood-altering substances, legal or illegal, that may have wide-ranging repercussions for either partner’s health.

TIPS AND TECHNIQUES

When getting started, remember that arousal goes hand in hand with relaxation in the process of getting fisted. Someone who is turned on, who wants to get fisted, and feels excited about it is far more likely to enjoy the process than someone whose body is pushed to go from zero to 60 in three seconds. Just as with any other form of BDSM or sex play, we need some time to get our bodies warmed up. Other kinds of kinky play can do the job—a flogging or caning for someone who enjoys those sensations, or perhaps a bit of bondage and humiliation. Of course, you can also do some more direct sexual stimulation with hands, mouths, toys, or cocks, as well!

As your partner gets more and more turned on, start using your fingers or penetrative toys to get her vagina more relaxed and opened up. My preference is to use my fingers, slipping them in slowly, one at a time, and letting my partner’s body get accustomed to the sensation before adding an additional finger. I find that taking lots of time, letting my fingers slowly stretch the vagina out rather than thrusting in and out, most often gives me better results; the thrusting can often fatigue the vaginal walls and be overwhelming for the fistee, especially over the course of the play date. I have a number of friends who prefer to get their partners ready to take their hand by using different-sized dildos or vibrators to stretch the vagina, then move on to inserting three or four fingers and working up from there. Again, each body is different, so take time and ask questions to find what works best for you and your partner.

The bottom may mention that she feels an urge to urinate—this is perfectly normal and, in fact, may be the precursor of ejaculation. I know that the first few times I had a partner try to fist me, I worried so much about not peeing on them that I remained too tense to really enjoy the session. Having absorbent pads handy to catch any urine that comes out can help; mostly, it’s vital for you to reassure your partner that she can relax about it, or even encourage her to “push” with the feeling of needing to pee, since that often triggers ejaculation. Above all, it’s vital not to overreact or immediately pull your hand out and shuffle your partner off to the bathroom; the feedback loop that we create with a partner when we express upset or disgust about their bodily functions will eventually limit their ability to relax and enjoy the scenes we create with them.

Stimulating the G-spot or A-spot can help the bottom relax and enjoy the sensations even more; in some cases, orgasms that happen during fisting can create more relaxation postorgasm, allowing you to fit even more of your hand into your partner. However, for some people the additional stimulation actually pushes them to a place where they tighten their vagina even more, so pay attention to whether different kinds of stimulation get your partner more into the fisting or take her away from the experience that you want to create. If you want to increase the G-spot stimulation, pressing or rocking your hand to push against it with your thumb or forefinger can work well, as it doesn’t require you to remove your hand in order to add to stimulation. Some people also enjoy tucking a small bullet vibe into their hand and pressing it against the G-spot.

As you gradually insert more of your hand into your partner’s body, check in regularly. Ask your partner to tell you how it’s feeling, and where she’s feeling pain or discomfort. This is really important, because it will allow you to adjust your technique to help her feel more comfortable. You may also have her use hand signals like the universal “stop” sign (holding up her outstretched hand) or a thumbs-up if she’s ready for more—this can provide an additional way for her to communicate while still being able to stay in the moment. Also, remember that it’s important to relube your hand regularly, and check your gloves for any signs of breakage.

Many people get frustrated during fisting. “I can’t get my hand in past the knuckles” or “I’m out of room” are frequent comments from novice and sometimes even experienced fisters. The reality is that we are working to fit our hands into a part of the body that usually doesn’t expand more than a few inches in diameter, so it’s not always the easiest thing to make happen. The first “bump in the road” is often just before the knuckles enter the vagina—we run out of “stretch” and may feel as if we are totally blocked.

There are a few ways you can work past this. First, make sure your partner is relaxed and is doing what she can to open up to you. (More about that in a few paragraphs.) Second, slowly rotate your hand, gently pressing in at different angles and in different positions as you go “around the clock” in your movements—often there is a particular angle or direction where you’ll feel a bit more room to work with. It’s not necessarily intuitive—one of my partners can’t take my hand if it’s parallel or perpendicular to her, but she can easily let it in if my hand is at a 45-degree angle. You may also want to try those different body positions I mentioned earlier. Some people find that being on their hands and knees (doggie style) or lying on their side relaxes their pelvic muscles and allows them to take even more. The good news is that once you’ve found a great position, chances are it will continue to work for you in the future.

When the challenge isn’t so much the stretch to accommodate your knuckles but the length you have to work with, it’s time to adjust your hand position. Fisting doesn’t happen effectively unless we use our hands as flexible tools, and visualizing your partner’s internal landscape through your touch can help you adjust your position to get more of your hand inside her. I like to close my eyes and “feel” for opportunities to curl my fingers; in most cases, the vagina opens up past the first few inches, and you can begin to curl your fingers to make a fist. Usually the thumb, once it’s inside your partner, will naturally fold in toward the center of the palm; letting your fingers close around it will help you penetrate more fully and fill your partner’s vagina more completely.

FOR THE BOTTOM

For a bottom, the experience of fisting is almost as much a mental as a physical process—perhaps even more. Being able to allow our body to open up to our partner is not an easy thing for many of us, so learning techniques to help it along is key to your own enjoyment—and it makes you an active participant in the process, which is even hotter than just lying back and waiting for it to happen. Start by focusing on your own relaxation—this can be difficult if it’s your first time or if you’re in an unfamiliar location, but it’s absolutely key to being able to accept your partner’s hand. One technique I use is deep breathing, which helps our bodies relax more fully with each breath. As you breathe deeply, focus on the muscles in your lower body—your vaginal muscles, your ass, your hips, even your belly—and imagine that each muscle relaxes just a little bit more every time you exhale.

Another way to open up is to use visualization techniques. A simple one? Continue to breathe deeply as I described above, but shift your focus specifically to your vagina. With each exhale, visualize your body opening up more and more. As many of us already know, our minds have an amazing influence over our bodies (including functions that we don’t often consider to be linked to our emotions), so use your creative juices along with your sexual juices to have a more incredible experience being fisted.

The one thing that will almost always defeat us in our search for pleasure is a negative attitude. Expecting that you will be able to easily take your partner’s entire hand, or that you will orgasm from the experience, or even that you will be able to maintain your composure, can short-circuit your ability to go with the flow of the experience and appreciate it for the process that it is. While you’re breathing deeply, stay focused in the moment. If you feel happy and full of laughter, let it out; if the sensation brings up sadness, or fear, talk it out (or cry it out) with your top. Our bodies have their own memories; it’s not uncommon for sex and kink (especially when they push our previously conceived limitations) to tap into some of those memories. By releasing them, we can embrace our own internal reality and give our tops the opportunity to create that safe space for us as we experience them—and move on toward even more pleasure!

Discomfort is part of the process for many people when they’re being fisted. Let’s face it—a part of the body is being stretched pretty wide open. Pressure is a common feeling; breathing and relaxation techniques should help you process and move beyond it. However, you should alert your partner to a sharp pain or burning sensation as soon as possible. The vaginal walls are quite strong in most people, but they can still be damaged with small tears to the tissue—and that means you will have both pain and healing time, as well as, potentially, scar tissue that can make future penetration less comfortable. This is really not an area where putting up with pain for any length of time is a good idea. Often, you can manage it by letting your partner know where the pain is, as much as you’re able to, and having her adjust the angle or amount of pressure behind her penetration to a more comfortable level.

The end goal of a fisting—whether it’s with the whole hand in up to the wrist and multiple ejaculations, or just getting to the knuckles for the first time—is to heighten the sense of intimacy between partners. When a top has his hand inside his partner, not only does the act say, “I own this,” but it also provides the rush that comes with reaching a new plateau with his partner; the sense of control, power, and physical intimacy can be overwhelming. The first time I really experienced this was after a few hours of off-and-on insertion play, finally ending up with my knuckles just getting inside my lover’s body. She started orgasming, and I could feel her vagina hot and tight, squeezing my fingers together—but rather than feeling uncomfortable, it felt like I was an active part of her orgasm, not just the person who was doing the work to get her there. I felt mentally and emotionally aroused to an incredible degree—I had a brain orgasm right along with her physical one. Since then, I’ve looked at fisting a partner as a great honor and privilege, and it’s become one of the most pleasurable tools in my arsenal of sexual domination.

AFTERCARE

When is the fisting scene over? When you both say it is. I’ve had as many fisting scenes end because of my own hand and arm cramps as because my partner was finished. It should go on as long as you both comfortably want to continue. Some people like to finish off with an orgasm (or two, or three, or a hundred); some people like to stay at a plateau for as long as possible and then slowly bring the scene to a close. There is no right way to do a fisting; as long as neither partner feels that the end was abrupt or unpleasant, then you’ve done it correctly.

You may see some blood as a result of the fisting; this is not terribly uncommon, as the capillaries that run close to the surface of the vaginal walls may break open and leak a small amount of blood. However, if you see larger amounts of blood, you will want to back off and make sure that your partner is not bleeding from damage to the vaginal walls. Minor bleeding will subside very quickly and is nothing to be alarmed about; if it doesn’t stop quickly or increases, a trip to the doctor or urgent care is strongly recommended.

As part of aftercare, you can use witch hazel wipes (the kind made for hemorrhoid treatment) externally to soothe any swollen tissue around the vulva; they will also remove the excess lube gently. I also recommend that the bottom urinate as soon as possible afterward, to push out any bacteria that could cause a urinary tract infection. Spend time connecting, emotionally and spiritually, whether it’s cuddling, having more sex, or going out to dinner and sharing a dessert. This helps bring a natural close to the intensity of the scene. The aftercare may be a bit different from what we think of as a post-BDSM scene, but the end result should be the same: both (or all) parties involved feel comfortable, connected, and cared for.

Like most BDSM activities, vaginal fisting is a physical activity that can, at its finest, bring about an amazing sense of self, of connection, of esteem and pride, and most important, a feeling of power for everyone involved—not just the top. To open up one’s body and offer it to another is the height of strength and trust. To be the person who is invited to enter should be embraced with humility, compassion, and joy. Fisting is transcendent sex. If it is done in a way that honors all participants, it can take us on a journey to the farthest reaches of our growth as sexual, kinky beings.

Bondage sex is hot. Your senses are heightened and the mundane details of life melt away. You can savor your lover’s every touch and movement as forbidden fantasies come to life and pleasures are intensified.

Bondage is one of the easiest and most versatile forms of kinky play. It can be as simple or as elaborate as you wish it to be. Whether your tastes run sweet and romantic or gritty and intense, there’s bondage fun to suit your different moods. It’s just as much fun in your bedroom, a romantic getaway hotel, a fully equipped dungeon, or even an alpine tent. The creative potential and sensual possibilities are endless, making this the perfect pleasure art for a lifetime of boredom-proof sex. So it’s no surprise that bondage is one of the fastest growing trends among the sexually adventurous.

THE PLEASURES OF BONDAGE

What is it about bondage that draws your attention? Do you fantasize about it? Does your lover? If you’ve tried it before, what about it got you off? If you’ve not tried it, what sort of fun do you imagine it to be? Knowing what makes you and your sweetie curious about bondage is the first step in creating an amazing experience. This is something I constantly emphasize to the students in all levels of my workshops. It can be easy to get caught up in the technical details, bogged down by the variations or wonders of the equipment, so keep your focus on why it’s hot for you.

Each person’s answers to the why of bondage will be different. When I ask my readers and students why they love to play with bondage, the reasons they give are wide-ranging and diverse. The list below is just a sampling of examples that come from real people. Run through it alone or with a partner. How many are on your list? On your partner’s? Do you find yourself thinking of completely different reasons that aren’t listed here? Simply going through this list of things that other people love about bondage may be an excellent way for you and your lover to discover new things about each other.

• A lover’s surrender into sensual captivity, fulfilling fantasies of romantic helplessness

• The thrill of being naughty and breaking taboo

• Escape from daily responsibility

• Thrill of anticipating the unknown

• Full-body relaxation while receiving erotic attention

• Erotic humiliation

• Sensation of full embrace

• Firm bondage in a quiet atmosphere over a long period can create a sense of inner peace and meditative stillness

• Bondage as part of erotic role-playing games lets you unleash your dirty evil genius, hot sex slave, or any character that turns you on

• The physical catharsis and excitement of being able to thrash about as much as one likes

• A change of pace from one’s usual sexual routine or play style

• You can appreciate the beauty of the bound body or allow your own body to be exhibited as you’re bound

• The intimate pleasure of giving or taking control with someone you feel a deep connection to

• Immersion in deep trust and emotional intimacy

• Pleasure in the sensations of rope, leather, or other bondage gear on the skin

• Expression of sensual creativity

• Bondage positions and equipment that touch or bind against erogenous zones just perfectly, increasing turn-ons and intensifying orgasms

What other reasons you can think of? Knowing the root of your bondage pleasure will also help you select the right equipment and technique. Why struggle with a truckload of exotic toys if all you need is a blindfold?

BONDAGE BASICS

Regardless of the type of bondage play you want to explore, there are some basic preparations that you have to consider first. Think of it as your preflight checklist.

Talk with your lover and make sure you’re both into giving it a try. Even if your sweetie likes surprises, just springing bondage on them mid-sex can be disastrous. Discuss what each of you wants to try; make sure that you’re clear about your desires and where your limits are. No need to make it sound like some boring legal arbitration, make it a flirty, dirty hot talk!

If you’ve never chatted about this—give the conversation time. Your partner might have hesitations and concerns. Hear them out and compassionately address their concerns. Remember that it can be intimidating to try a new and taboo sexual activity. Remind them that this is about fun and pleasure.

Decide who’s going to be the one binding (usually called the top), and who’s going to be bound (the bottom).

Agree on a safeword or safe signal. Having one is especially important if you’re playing fantasy role-play sex games. Sometimes it’s fun to play at saying “No!” but your partner will feel more confident in the games when they know what the real “NO” sounds like. Tops also get to use a safeword if they don’t feel comfortable with what’s going on. Once you set a safeword or safe signal, respect it and abide by it. Solid trust is the foundation of fabulous bondage.

Sometimes things don’t go the way you planned and the bondage needs to get undone quickly. Sometimes your plans for smooth unbinding go awry. Sometimes equipment fails. Have your “oops tools,” or contingency tools available. Emergency medical shears, which have rounded tips and cut easily through a variety of materials, are an essential part of your bondage toolkit. You may often hear them referred to as EMT (emergency medical technician) shears, and they’re available in most drugstores. They are great for rope, leather, cloth, tape, rubber, and other materials.

If you’re using devices that lock with a key, have several spares available. When using multiple padlocks, take the precaution of using locks with identical keys. Spare keys are a lot easier to hide and carry than giant bolt cutters, as well as being far more stylish.

How you wrap up your bondage experience is just as important as how you do the wrapping. Aftercare is what each participant wants and needs to transition from bondage play to everyday life. When you finish a delicious bondage experience, it’s like being in an altered state. Great sex in all forms can be like that. Rushing out of it can be jarring at best, and at worst it can put you in an intensely bad mood for a while. That happens often enough that it’s called a “drop.” Both bottoms and tops need aftercare, so schedule your play time with that in mind. How long it takes and what constitutes aftercare varies from person to person. Here are some examples:

• Sex

• Cuddling

• Talking about the fun you just had

• Being quiet

• Chocolate

• Time together

• Time alone

• Snacks and water

• Putting the tools away

• Ignoring the tools for now

Gather the toys you want for play. This includes the bondage equipment as well as any sex toys, extension cords for vibrators, lube, pillows for propping up the body, slings and sex swings, and any other items you might want. I’d hate for you to be all tied up with the lube just out of reach! Don’t forget to turn off your phones before play, and select your bondage toys according to what feeds your appetites. I’ve listed below several varieties of toys and types of play for you to consider. You can also skip ahead to the First-Time Scenarios I’ve created for you.

TOOLS: DIY FUN AROUND THE HOME

No need to spend a fortune! DIY bondage is one of my favorite hobbies. Look around your home, in hardware stores, or even dollar stores and you’ll be in bondage heaven. Here are just a few ideas:

Long scarves are fantastic as blindfolds, wrist bonds, and ties to bedposts. They even make a great dildo or vibrator harness. They’re easy to wash after play. Bathrobe belts and stockings are great, too. If you want to keep it green, recycle your old sheets by cutting them into bondage strips. Here are some scarf ties that we do in my Wrapped for Pleasure class:

Equipment

Directions

1. Bring the wrists together, separated by about an inch. Drape the scarf across the wrists. The midpoint should be between the wrists, with both ends hanging down.

2. Bring the two ends together below the wrists, and cross them with a twist, bringing the scarf parallel to the wrists. This is not a knot, just a twist.

3. Bring the two ends up, one between the elbows and the other between the hands.

4. Tie the two ends together in a simple overhand knot, just as you would to start your shoelace tie. If the scarf is slippery, you can tie one more overhand knot.

I invented this harness because I got tired of ill-fitting commercial harnesses. This is a fantastic harness—it’s secure, easy to clean, fits anyone, and travels well. Men can use it to sport a second cock above the one that they grew themselves!

Equipment

1 favorite dildo with flanged base; 2 scarves (suggested length: multiply hip measurement x 1.5. Example: 40” hips x 1.5 = 60” scarves)

Directions

1. Take Scarf A and make a loose overhand knot (which I refer to below as “That Knot”) at its midpoint.

Take Scarf B, place through That Knot, bisecting Scarf B.

Scarf B will now have two hanging ends of equal length.

Insert the dildo into That Knot.

Tighten Scarf A and That Knot firmly around the dildo.

2. Tie Scarf A snug and low around the hips. It’s easiest to tie this in front, with the dildo at the back, and then turn the scarf around. Very important that it be snug.

Place the dildo in the desired position on the body.

3. Take one end of Scarf B, hanging from the dildo, and pass it between the legs and under the butt cheeks, ending near the hip bone. Tie onto Scarf A near the hip bone.

Repeat with the remaining end of Scarf B.

Test the harness all over for security.

Equipment

2 short scarves and 1 long scarf

Directions

1. Take one short scarf and tie a band around one thigh, just above the knee. This should be snug but not tight enough to hamper circulation.

Do the same with the second short scarf on the other thigh.

Tie one end of the long scarf onto the right thigh band.

Have the bottom sit on her butt with her legs out and knees up. Have the bottom hug her knees. This is important for a fabulous shagging position and comfort later.

Lead the free part of the long scarf from the right thigh over the right shoulder and pass under the left arm.

Pass the long scarf under the left thigh band and pull through fully.

Lead the remaining length of the long scarf from the left thigh over the left shoulder and pass under the right arm.

Pass the long scarf end under the right thigh band and tie off with a simple overhand knot.

The long scarf should make an “X” pattern on her back.

2. Have her let go of her knees. Gently lean her back. Her legs will be held up and apart by the scarves.

You can easily move her back and forth and up and down by holding the long scarf where it attaches to the thigh bands.

Add the wrist tie to this and you have a fun and easy sex bondage setup.

Other Items

• Sleep masks: Best stealth blindfold that you can take anywhere.

• Leather belts: Strong leather belts with many holes to adjust positions are the best.

• Cling wrap: Ordinary plastic wrap used in the kitchen makes for fantastically easy and fast bondage. No knots or buckles needed. Use safety scissors to remove it quickly or to create holes when you want access to your lover’s good bits. Slip a vibrator or an ice cube between layers of plastic wrap, just on the right spot, and drive him crazy.

TOOLS: LEATHER AND METAL

Leather fetters are truly classic bondage toys and they’re fodder for many people’s fantasies. Leather is supple and friendly on the skin, and the texture or scent alone can send some people into a state of intense arousal. Many sex shops have a kinky section with leather restraints. Quality varies widely. If at all possible, inspect the items personally. I like padded restraints, as they make it easy for a long night of passion. Look for the following qualities:

• Sewn well with strong thread

• Leather edges that are finished smoothly or tucked under the stitching

• Properly dyed so the dye doesn’t rub off and doesn’t smell funny—strange smells are often signs of an improper or toxic dying process

• No rough edges

• No unfinished or sharp edges on any metal hardware attached to the restraints

• Correct size for the person it’s intended for

Tug the fetters and pull on all the parts as if in actual use, especially the connecting hardware. See if all the parts hold together.

Wrist and ankle restraints are the most common, but there’s a vast range beyond that, from blindfolds, thigh cuffs, arm restraints, and hoods to full body bags that have access points for the naughty bits. I highly recommend shopping at the Stockroom and Mr. S Leather for quality restraints.

To start with, get wrist and ankle cuffs that separate easily with simple clips. This makes it a cinch to change positions. Use a short length of chain or even a scarf to separate the limbs and attach them to the bed frame for a sexy spread-eagle sex tie!

Bondage equals handcuffs, right? Wrong! I love playing naughty cop games in the bedroom as much as anyone else, and I do have a few pairs of handcuffs. They’re fabulous for the visual effects, but sadly they’re not so good for actual bondage, especially if you’re just starting out. They’re hard on the skin and body, often causing cuts, bruises, and nasty pinches, or worse. Novelty-store handcuffs are worse, as they keep tightening down and have nasty rough edges. A few great uses for metal handcuffs: put them in a box with a card as an invite; wear them as a prop; use them as connectors for leather restraints. And if you’re feeling especially perverse, a pair of handcuffs can serve as an interesting cock ring.

Other metal toys specifically designed for bondage are generally much safer. Look for strong welds and a smooth surface. For wrists and ankles, look for wide band-style cuffs. Wrapping the wrists, ankles, and any other tender places with sports wrap before play is another way to ensure comfort in your fantasy cruelty. Look for products from reputable manufacturers. Of course, you can go DIY and use a length of high-quality metal chain with padlocks to create a fierce-looking and very effective restraint.

Bondage lovers are ever inventive, so just about anything can become a potential toy. Any material that turns people on will get turned into restraints. Other materials that can be used for good bondage include wood, spandex, canvas, neoprene, latex, rubber, PVC, ACE bandages, cast plaster, yarn, fur, tape of all sorts, and even specialized medical restraints.

ROPE BONDAGE

Rope is my first love in bondage play! As a college student, I was inspired by the memories of watching heroes and villains being tied up on the TV shows I watched as a child in Japan. Additionally, the economic realities of being a student put expensive gear hopelessly out of my reach. What began as necessity became a passion, leading me to study rope bondage thoroughly and develop my own unique philosophy and style. The books that I’ve written and the weekend-long Rope Dojo workshops that I teach to this day are a result of that early passion. Nearly three decades later, rope still makes my heart skip a beat.

Rope is endlessly versatile, whether you can barely tie your shoelaces or you’ve memorized the entire Ashley Book of Knots. Don’t let yourself be intimidated by thinking that you have to know fancy knots. If you like complicated, that’s great, but you don’t need to know them.

Selecting the right material is key. Cotton rope is fantastic for beginners. Look for it in magic stores and better sex stores. Avoid the nylon, polypropylene, and most other synthetics, as it’s easy to cause rope burns with them. Hemp, jute, raw silk, and bamboo ropes are lovely, but they’re quite expensive. When you’re starting out, stick to shorter lengths of 12, 15, or 20 feet. Nothing kills a hot scene like the top getting tangled up in his or her own rope.

Here are a couple of simple ties to use on single limbs or a pair of limbs:

What’s a column? Think of the body as a series of columns—the wrists, ankles, thighs, and torso are all columns. A single-column tie is very useful. It works just like leather cuffs or belts as a foundation for binding one part of the body to another, or to furniture.

Equipment

1 piece of rope (10’ or so for wrists; longer for larger body parts). Cotton ropes are great!

Directions

1. Double the rope.

Wrap the doubled rope around the column of your choice.

About three times is sufficient for most wrists and ankles. If you want more coverage, make more wraps.

Make sure that the looped end, also known as the bight, is not too far from the wrap. Six to eight inches is a good length.

2. Cross the loop and the loose ends.

3. Tuck the loop end under the wraps and pull through to the other side.

4. Tie an overhand knot with the loop end and the loose ends.

If the rope is slippery, as many synthetics can be, tie an overhand knot one more time.

5. The loop can be a convenient attachment point for other ropes or hardware such as carabiners or double-snap links.

Tie two body parts together with one rope!

Equipment

1. The two columns should be held a couple of inches or so apart.

Double the rope.

Wrap the doubled rope around the columns of your choice.

About three times is sufficient for most wrists and ankles. If you want more coverage, make more wraps.

2. Cross the loop (the bight) and the loose ends. It’s not a knot, just a twist. These two ends should now be perpendicular to the wrist wraps.

3. Drop the two ends on opposite sides of the wrap.

Wrap both ends a full rotation. They should now be back up on the original side.

4. Tie an overhand knot with the loop end and the loose end.

If the rope is slippery, as many synthetics can be, tie an overhand knot one more time.

5. The loop can be a convenient attachment point for other ropes or hardware such as carabiners or double-snap links.

Equipment

3 pieces of rope (20’ to 25’ each should suffice).

Directions

1. Bend one of the bottom’s legs so that the ankle is tucked to the thigh. Tie a double-column tie between the base of the thigh and the ankle. Repeat with the other leg.

2. Tie the third rope to the loop end of one of the double-column ties.

3. Wrap the third rope around behind the back and run it through the loop on the other double-column tie.

4. Adjust the spread of the legs to taste. Tie off with a simple overhand knot.

Equipment

3 pieces of rope (20’ to 25’ each).

Directions

1. Set up two double-column ties, as in the basic Open-Leg Crab tie.

Tie the third rope to the loop end of the double-column tie on the right leg.

Have the bottom hug his knees. This is important for a fabulous shagging position and comfort later.

2. Lead the free part of the third rope from the right leg over the right shoulder and pass under the left arm.

3. Pass the third rope through the left column-tie loop and pull through fully.

4. Lead the remaining length of the third rope from the left leg over the left shoulder and pass under the right arm. Pass the third rope end through the right loop and tie off with a simple overhand knot.

The third rope should make an “X” pattern on his back.

5. Have the bottom let go of his knees. Gently lean him back.

His legs will be held up and apart by the ropes.

Here’s an interesting body harness, or a karada, based on a Japanese-style rope bondage form called shibari or kinbaku. This harness works well for men or women—just adjust to each person’s contours and features. This is a very simple version. For a more fully detailed version, see the harness in my book The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage.

Equipment

1 long piece of rope (50’ to 75’, depending on the size of the person)

Directions

Find the midpoint of the rope.

Drape the rope around the bottom’s neck, with the midpoint at the back of the neck and the ends hanging down the chest.

Tie the two ropes in front of the body in a simple overhand knot. Try to place this at the mid-chest. Make sure it’s not too high—you don’t want it to press on the throat. This is Front Knot 1.

Tie another knot around mid-torso. You now have Front Knot 2

Tie the third knot at the lower belly. This is Front Knot 3.

Run the two lines between the legs and bring them up to the back.

Tie a knot at the lower back. This is Back Knot 3.

Moving up, tie the next knot at the mid-back. Now you’ve made Back Knot 2.

Tie the last knot, Back Knot 1, at the upper back.

Run the two lines through the loop at the midpoint of the rope.

Separate the two lines. Run one under each arm to the front of the body.

Run the two lines between Front Knots 1 and 2 and pull through. Separate the originally vertical lines so they form a diamond.

Pass the ropes toward the back on either side of the torso.

Run the lines between Back Knots 1 and 2 and pull through. Separate the originally vertical lines so they form a diamond.

Repeat this process down the body, forming a new diamond shape below each knot.

At the end, tie each end off with a simple overhand knot.

TYPES OF BONDAGE

Now that you know some materials and toys, let’s consider a few of the different styles of play you can use them for.

The objective here is a good shagging and righteous orgasms. For sexual bondage, first visualize what position you want the bottom to be in, and then restrain him in that position. Make sure that all the good arousing body parts are accessible. It would be sad if you worked really hard to get him bound and then realized you couldn’t get to anything.

Could a pirate’s-wench fantasy or cops-and-robbers scene be complete without bondage? No! Pick the right bondage tool to fit the fantasy. Ye olde pirate’s wench wouldn’t be bound in futuristic medical devices, would she? Don’t be surprised when your fantasy role play bondage turns into sexual bondage.

Escapology is the challenge and pleasure of escaping from clever, well-executed bondage. If the escape artist bottom is any good, he will get out. Period. If you’re the top, their escape doesn’t mean that you failed, so don’t be discouraged. Your objective is to make it as difficult, challenging, and time-consuming as possible. Bring out the stopwatch, scorecard, and any distraction you can think of!

Predicament bondage is another favorite of those tops and bottoms who love challenges and puzzles. In my class on this topic, I define predicament scenes as bondage that limits or controls mobility by intentionally creating conflicting desires. For example, imagine your lover on all fours with clamps on her nipples connected to the headboard in front of her. At the same time, labia clips (or for a man, a cock ring) tied to the footboard board pulls her gently back. She has to find the spot with just the right balance as you sensually tease her all the while. Don’t be surprised if there’s more than a pinch of masochism involved in it as well.

Some find a deep state of calm and meditative peace in bondage. For these people, it’s a deep and quiet altered state where all the mind’s chatter about mundane life disappears and they take a minivacation. To make this possible, reduce sensory input. Using earplugs, headphones, and blindfolds, you can eliminate all sight and sound. Noise-cancelling headphones are a particularly effective addition to your sensory depravation fun. Hoods, mummy-style wrapping, and bondage body bags (called sleep sacks) will reduce the skin sensations. At all times, make sure that they can breathe without obstruction.

Like so many forms of sex, bondage can be enjoyed alone. But no one is there to fix a mistake or rescue you from a mishap, so risks are increased. The solo bondage player needs to be careful to have a way out. In case of any emergency, make sure you can move one hand easily to free yourself, and have your oops tools nearby.

RISKS AND REALITIES

Bondage has its own risks. As I tell my rope bondage students, “Dead bottom, bad bondage. Bad top, no biscuit!” Always heed the advice of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy: “Don’t panic.” With common sense and a little planning, most disasters and bad scenes can be avoided. The bottom is responsible for alerting the top of early signs of any possible problems. Bottoms can be reluctant about this. I know some of you worry that as a bottom you should just let the top do their top thing, but trust me, a good top wants to know. Think of it this way: if you can let your top know of a possible issue, they will make the necessary adjustments and the pleasure can last longer for both of you. Not telling them is not nice and considered poor SM etiquette.

WHAT TO AVOID

Boredom is a scene killer. Tops who spend too much time fidgeting with the gear bore many bottoms to death. Bottoms who focus on just their own pleasure bore the motivation right out of most tops.

Hot spots, rope burns, blisters, and chafing really distract from the fun. Prevent rope burns by moisturizing the skin, and exchange your synthetic rope for soft cotton and other natural ropes. For metal, wood, and other toys with sharp edges, wrap tender spots with sports wrap or self-clinging bandages or pad the irritating parts of the toy.

When the restraints are too tight and the bottom’s skin color changes to unnatural shades of red, purple, yellow, white, or blue, or the skin becomes unnaturally cold and clammy, there’s likely a serious problem with circulation. Don’t wait. Immediately loosen the restraint, adjust the bondage, or change position.

It’s the “pins and needles” sensation. There’s no way for the top to know this is happening, as there’s no color or temperature change to the skin. The only way they’ll know is if the bottom reports it. Bottoms—report it! Don’t ignore slight sensations of tingling. It could be an early warning of a serious problem. I almost lost the use of my left hand when I was first exploring bondage because I disregarded a persistent tingling during a lovely long scene.

Allergies (latex, nickel and other metals, natural rope fiber, leather treatments, etc.)

If you know you’re allergic to certain materials, avoid them. If you develop a rash, itchiness, swelling, or trouble breathing every time you play with a certain toy, you’re likely allergic to the material. Some medications can cause allergy-like reactions to certain materials as well. Consult your physician or get tested for allergies. Let your play partner know of any allergies or other conditions.

The ability to breathe is really popular. Everyone loves to do it on a regular, ongoing basis and it’s key to not dying in bondage. Make sure to keep the bottom’s breathing unobstructed. If he’s congested, don’t use a big ball gag or close off his mouth in any way. Don’t use a hood that closes his nose and then insert a gag, push his face into a pillow, or shove a large hard body part down his throat. Don’t wrap the entire head with cling wrap, obstructing both the nose and mouth. Yes, these examples are all from true bondage accidents.

Along with not obstructing the bottom’s ability to breathe, take care not to damage the larynx. Don’t tighten the bondage around the neck in such a way that the front of the neck is crushed. Don’t use a dog collar and pull the leash hard from behind. Don’t use the neck as one end of a predicament hog-tie against the feet. Again, these instances were all reported in real bondage tragedies.

OTHER BONDAGE BLOOPERS

Duct tape and similarly serious adhesive tape are nasty on the skin. They can rip off skin and hair. Some people even get rashes.

A few years ago a hot bondage scene ended in death when the top stepped away to let the bottom enjoy a mummified sensory deprivation scene. Something went wrong while he was gone, and when the top returned he wasn’t able to revive his lover. If the bottom can’t move well enough to correct problems, don’t leave them unattended. If you want to make the bottom think you left the room, that’s easy: blindfold the bottom, walk loudly out of the room with your shoes on, remove the shoes, and then tiptoe back into the room.

I’ll admit to this one. They’re just not as sturdy as they look. It’s really hard to find wood glue at 9 a.m., before checkout.

Bottoms, this one’s for you. Go to the bathroom before the fun starts!

What’s most important is that you and your partners have fun. As I say in my classes, “Don’t kill ’em, don’t harm ’em, don’t bore ’em.” As long as the mutual communication is clear and basic safety is attended to, don’t stress out about doing something wrong. Bondage is a form of pleasure art where, once you know the basics, the creative potential is endless. Now that you’re armed with information and ideas, go forth, explore, and have fabulous bondage sex!

What starts as a playful little diversion can became a supercharged sexual romp with a little imagination and a few toys. I’m talking about a practice commonly called cock and ball torture, or CBT. Now, don’t let that word torture stop you. Most of what we call CBT is playful and fun, and it can be as wild or as tame as you and your partner desire.

A man’s genitals are both very sensitive and very resilient. This means they can take a lot of stress as well as be delightfully responsive to sensations both intense and mild. Add to this the emotional investment men have in the equipment between their legs and you get an ideal playground for a creative partner with a kinky streak.

Before trying any kind of CBT, it’s important to establish good communication with your partner. If you are a man playing with another man, you can use your own experience to gauge how sensations might feel for your partner, but remember that everyone experiences sensations differently. Just because you have a penis, you can’t assume your partner’s penis will react the same way as yours. Communicating about what is working and what is not working is important.

For a woman playing with a man, it’s even more essential to keep channels of communication open during the scene. It might not conform to your fantasy of what should happen, but for the first few times it’s better to have a good dialogue while the scene is going on. This will make future encounters easier and give you and your partner more confidence. Once you have this experience, adding more elaborate fantasy elements will be easier and more rewarding.

A cock and ball torture scene is something you build up to—not jump into. Now, if that sounds overly cautious, so be it. I never like to play recklessly with my partner’s genitals, since I usually want the opportunity to play with them again. Therefore, I err on the side of caution, even when I have confidence in what I am doing. As the person in control of a scene, it’s my job to be responsible for my partner’s safety and well-being. If you break your toys, you can’t play with them again.

Cock and ball torture, or cock and ball play, as I think it is more aptly called, requires nothing more than a pair of hands and a good imagination, but a wide variety of toys are made specifically for this kind of fun. Since you may not want to invest a lot of money in toys you might use once and find you don’t really like, I suggest the following for a beginner’s collection: a coil of braided nylon rope, some wooden clothespins, an elastic bandage (like an ACE bandage), and a toothbrush. With just these few items and your imagination you and your partner can explore almost all the basic sensations in CBT.

Nora had planned a special evening for Bob. They had been dating for many months and spent a lot of time talking about their fantasies, both sexual and otherwise. Bob had expressed an interest in letting Nora take the upper hand in their bedroom play and he told her some vivid stories of what he imagined could happen. She was not only attentive, but enthusiastic. Nora relished the idea of taking a dominant role with Bob during their sex play, so she prepared to make at least a few of his fantasies come true.

“Lock the door,” she told him in a breathy voice. She stood waiting for his compliance like a female drill sergeant, hands behind her back.

Bob paused for a second and then snapped into action. He picked up on what was going on and was eager to comply.

“Now, I want you naked before you go any further into my house!”

Bob couldn’t undress fast enough. Shedding his clothes with speed, he left them scattered around the entrance hall. When he had finally removed the last garment, his underwear, he stood before her feeling aroused and very vulnerable.

“You will not leave your clothes all over my house. Fold them neatly and bring them with you.”

She turned her back and moved away from the door. Bob did his best gathering up his stuff and at least made an effort to fold it into a single bundle. Then, like an obedient puppy, he followed Nora into the bedroom.

“Where do you want me to put these?”

Nora looked at him standing there naked, his cock already almost completely hard.

“What did you say, boy?” She put a special emphasis on that last word.

Bob took a few seconds to process her question and then it dawned on him.

“Where do you want me to put these, Mistress?”

Nora smiled and pointed to the dresser and tried to stifle a grin. She had never seen Bob so naked and vulnerable. She was almost as excited as he was.

“Now kneel on the bed facing me.” Nora pointed to the bed.

Bob scrambled onto the bed and knelt facing his partner. Anticipating what was coming, he spread his legs slightly and held his hands behind his back, giving Nora a full view of and full access to his now fully erect cock.

After a little more dialogue, Nora was satisfied that Bob was ready for the games to begin. She made sure he understood how he was to address her and how he was to let her know how her play was affecting him.

“I will satisfy my desires,” Nora said, getting into the mood of the character. “If at any time you feel you can no longer submit to my desires, you will ask for ‘mercy.’ Do you understand?”

“Yes, Mistress, I will ask for mercy.”

COMMUNICATION

CBT can be great fun when combined with a dominant/ submissive scene or dynamic. You can incorporate the learning curve into the play while maintaining the power exchange. For example, as the scene progresses, the dominant partner can demand responses from the submissive partner: “Do you like that, boy?” or “Does that make you horny, boy?” Not only does it give both partners a sense of who is in control, but the back-and-forth dialogue lets the submissive give honest feedback.

One word of caution: injuries to the male genitals can result in some serious repercussions. It’s a good idea to let the partner on the receiving end have the ultimate say in matters of pain and sensation. A man, even one who is aroused and eager to please his partner, knows when something feels wrong with his genitals, and that means you need a signal that things have progressed beyond tolerable levels. You should always have a safeword. In addition, I like to use this method of communication: I tell my partner that as long as he is having fun he should address me as “Sir,” and if we need to talk, he should call me by my real name. That way the flow of communication can keep going without bringing things to a screeching halt.

Once you and your intended playmate have established some method of communication, it’s time to get down to business.

Nora began by taking a piece of rope and making several wraps at the base of Bob’s penis, looping behind his balls with each wrap. As she wrapped the rope she made sure it was tight enough to be confining but not so tight as to be painful. After three or four wraps, Bob’s penis was harder than ever. Then she took the ends of the rope and tied them together. The remaining rope she pulled up and inserted between Bob’s teeth.

“Hold that tight, do you hear me?”

Bob answered with a garbled, “Yes, Mistress.”

ROPE BONDAGE

It can be more fun than you might imagine to tie up someone’s cock; the feeling of taking power from your partner by immobilizing his genitals is hot, and for him, the sensation of having the tight rope around the base of his cock and balls is very erotic. I suggest using a coil of braided nylon rope that is about nine feet long. Take one end of the rope, leaving about a foot of rope free to tie the end. Wrap the rope around the base of the cock several times; loop the rope behind the balls with each wrap. The coils of rope should be tight and coiled closely, as if you are winding it around a spool, to actually stretch the skin of the genitals away from the body. Be careful not to pinch this skin between the coils of rope—that is not an erotic experience. After you have about five or six wraps, tie off the rope using the one-foot length and the remaining rope. When done, you should have several feet of rope left (as Nora did in the passage above). Doing this also allows your partner to tighten or loosen the tension on the rope, and that gives him yet another safety valve if the sensations get too intense.

Now that his equipment was nicely held in place, Nora could begin her work in earnest. She retrieved the toothbrush from the nightstand drawer where she had stashed it. Holding it before Bob, she could see the puzzled look in his eyes.

“You know what this is, boy?”

Bob nodded, the puzzled expression starting to fade as he realized what she had in store.

“I am not going to brush your teeth, you know.”

Bob understood all too clearly what she was going to do, and as she took hold of his rock-hard penis, he winced at the sensation he expected would be coming soon.

Nora took the toothbrush and slowly rubbed the bristles across the head of Bob’s cock. It was a very light brushing sensation, but to a man with an erection, the head of the penis is very, very sensitive.

Bob moaned, giving Nora a sense of perverse pleasure knowing she was not only in control, but able to affect him so much with such little effort. She brushed the head of his dick again, this time even slower and with a little more pressure.

“Ooooweee,” Bob mumbled, still holding the rope obediently between his teeth.

“Sensitive, boy?” Nora prodded.

“Yes, Mistress,” Bob mumbled, letting Nora know he was feeling it but still enjoying the game.

Nora then brushed around the underside of the head of his cock. Bob stiffened and shook—the sensations were at once irritating and yet enjoyable.

SENSATION IMPLEMENTS

The mildly abrasive touch of a toothbrush can be very intense, especially when used on the head of the penis. Using a soft-bristle model can pretty much ensure that you won’t do any damage, but you may also use stiffer bristles if you wish. Though the skin of the penis would seem very delicate, it’s actually pretty resilient, and as long as you are careful, you can deliver a lot of stimulation. Be careful not to actually abrade the skin, or cut it. Though your partner will most likely recover, there is always a chance of infection if the skin is broken, so use caution. Other fun toys for this kind of sensation play are paintbrushes, nylon scouring pads, mushroom brushes, feathers, and just about anything that can deliver a variety of sensations. Browsing in your kitchen gadget drawer can produce a bonanza of CBT toys!

Nora took a roll of elastic bandage out of the nightstand drawer. She wrapped the bandage around Bob’s scrotum. Starting at the base of his cock, she began stretching the bandage and wrapping it around the flexible skin of his balls. As she wrapped, his testicles were naturally pushed farther away from his body, stretching the normally wrinkled skin over his testicles. When she was finished, the result was interesting to look at. The tight skin of his scrotum now seemed to shine from being pulled taut. His balls were stretched away from his body by almost two inches.

Her final touch was to use the fastener that came with the bandage to secure it to itself, being careful to make sure the hooks didn’t pierce the folds of the bandage.

“What a nice package that makes, don’t you think so, boy?”

Bob tried to see what she was doing, but his hard cock was in the way. “Yes, Mistress.”

Now Nora rubbed the brush over the shiny skin of Bob’s bound balls. Bob twitched and jerked at the intense sensations. She was careful not to apply too much pressure, but it still made Bob wince and jerk with every stroke.

As she looked at her handiwork, she noticed a few drops of precum emerging from the head of Bob’s cock.

BANDAGE BONDAGE

Using the elastic bandage is a simple skill, and if you have ever bandaged a wrist or ankle, it’s pretty much the same thing. Again, maintain communication with your partner and avoid making the wraps too tight. You want to constrain the scrotum, not cut off all blood flow. Also be careful with the metal clip that is used to fasten the bandage, making sure there are sufficient layers of elastic between the teeth of the clip and the skin of your partner’s balls. When bound properly, the skin of the scrotum will be stretched and the testes will be cradled in a nice neat wrap, looking like an inverted ice cream cone with two scoops of ice cream.

“Well, since you have been so good, I have another surprise for you,” Nora said. Reaching into the drawer, she produced a handful of clothespins. As soon as Bob saw these he stiffened and whimpered, but his cock stood even more rigid than before.

Nora stroked his erect dick and felt along the underside for some loose skin. Even erect, most men have a certain amount of skin that can be used for CBT, and Bob was no exception. She gently pinched the skin on the underside of his shaft, careful not to pinch the urethra, the conduit that carries both urine and sperm through the penis. She pulled some of the skin away from the shaft, and at the base near his balls she attached a clothespin.

Bob whimpered again but said nothing. Taking this as a signal that he was still in the game, Nora continued to add clothespin after clothespin, working her way up the shaft until she came to the head.

Bob was breathing heavily now in short gasps, so Nora asked the question, “Do you like pleasing me this way, boy?”

Trembling Bob replied, “Yes, Mistress, but I’m not sure how much more I can take.” Then he added, “Mistress.”

“Don’t worry, boy, that’s all we are going to use for now.” She moved closer to him and kissed his chest, running her tongue over his nipples and tracing a circle around his navel. She took her time, letting the clothespins do their work for a while.

CLIPS, CLAMPS, AND OTHER THINGS THAT PINCH

You can use clothespins as well as clips for snack chip bags, hair clips, and just about anything that pinches to create unique sensations. I suggest testing clips on the skin between your thumb and forefinger if you are experimenting. If you can’t endure the sensation there, your partner certainly won’t be able to endure them on his private parts.

While different types of clamps can produce different sensations, generally when you clamp a section of the flesh of the penis, the body has both a physical and a chemical reaction. The nerve receptors in the skin sense the pain of the clothespins and signal to your brain there is distress. Your brain reacts, as good brains should, by sending out impulses generating adrenaline. This quickens your heart rate, preparing the body for possible danger, even though you know you’re in safe hands. You may feel yourself breathing more quickly or your voice may quaver.

Additionally, the brain signals the body to produce some natural opiates to relieve the pain. It usually takes longer for these to respond, so the painful sensations persist for a while.

The clothespins also cut off some circulation to the nerve receptors in your skin, and after a few minutes the receptors go numb and the pain sensation subsides, leaving you possibly still quivering but able to tolerate the sensations of the clothespins. The Top should continue to check in with his or her partner to make sure that the sensations are not simply painful but also erotic. As a rule of thumb, don’t leave the clips on more than 10 minutes for starters. Long periods of compression can cause nerve damage, and though it is rare, again, I urge caution. Perhaps surprisingly, once the sensation of pain has numbed, leaving the clips on longer has little effect.

When clamps or clothespins are removed, the blood rushes back into the skin and reawakens the nerve receptors; the receptors fire off their distress message to the brain with renewed vigor, and the bottom usually experiences intense pain.

Nora looked at the row of clothespins and couldn’t resist toying with them. This action made Bob jump as new sensations delivered their messages to his brain.

Nora caressed his hard cock and leaned down to lick the head. She looked up at Bob, who trembled more than before. The sight of her luscious lips nibbling at his dick and the new sensations of pain and pleasure were working to make this a memorable night.

Nora took the head of his cock into her mouth, careful not to disturb the pins. She used her tongue to stimulate the underside of his head, right where she had used the cruel toothbrush just minutes before. She figured he deserved a little reward for being so obedient, and besides, she loved the feeling of his cock in her mouth.

While she lovingly sucked the head of his cock, she used her fingers to flick the clothespins. Her long nails scraping against the row of pins sent flashes of pain through Bob’s cock. She waited a bit and then did it again, each time making Bob twitch and squirm. His moaning was intoxicating to her, knowing she was giving him a wonderfully twisted delight of pain and pleasure together.

Removing her mouth from his head, she lifted his dick almost up to his belly, the clothespins protruding toward her face. This time, as she looked up at him, she had a slightly evil grin. She opened her mouth and, using her teeth, delicately took the uppermost clothespin in her mouth.

The sensation was like white-hot lead coursing through his body. Bob grimaced. “Motherfucker,” he said, almost dropping the rope.

“Motherfucker, who?” Nora demanded.

“Motherfucker, Mistress?”

“Much better, boy,” she said, chuckling as she approached the next pin. Each one she removed with care so as not to damage the delicate skin of Bob’s penis. Each one brought a new invective from Bob, followed by a polite “Mistress,” right up to the last one.

“Mercy, Mistress,” Bob panted, feeling as if he could take no more.

“Unfortunately,” Nora said, “that clothespin has to come off and it’s going to hurt, so why don’t I let you take it off?”

Bob thought for a moment and then closed his eyes tight. “No, Mistress, go ahead.”

“Go ahead, what?” she questioned. “Have you forgotten your manners?”

“Please, Mistress, take it off.”

She smiled and bent down, taking the final pin between her teeth. She slowly squeezed the pin, releasing the tension and letting the last bit of skin pull free.

For a moment Bob didn’t make a sound. Then he began giggling uncontrollably. The combination of adrenaline and natural opiates had him higher than a kite.

“Thank you, Mistress.”

Nora slowly unwrapped his balls from the bandage and reached up to remove the rope from his mouth. Untying it, she carefully removed the coil of rope, making sure not to pull too much hair in the process.

Once free, Bob’s cock was still erect. Nora intended to make good use of it over the course of the night. Now it was time for his reward. Both Nora and Bob knew it would be a scene they would enjoy again, but now it was time for just plain lust.

The place on the erotic map where the paths of Tantric sex and BDSM intersect was once as lonely and obscure as a tiny no-pub town in the Australian outback. Not only was it nearly impossible to find, hardly anyone looked for it because no one believed it actually existed. In recent years things have changed dramatically. Some Tantric practitioners are now combining elements of power and intense sensation with traditional Tantra in a variation sometimes referred to as Dark Tantra. Longtime BDSM players are coming out of the closet as spiritual seekers and creating scenes intentionally designed to welcome god/goddess/universe/all-that-is into the dungeon. Communities in which kinky people and Tantrikas meet, mingle, and play together are growing and now can be found all over the world.

It’s not surprising that it’s taken a while for these two communities to find common ground. From a stylistic point of view, it would appear that people wearing leather and wielding floggers would have little or nothing in common with people wearing sarongs and stroking each other with feathers. But like most everything else in life, outward appearances and preconceived notions have little or nothing to do with the essence of an erotic or spiritual art form.

Tantric sex and BDSM have much more in common than may seem apparent at first glance. Both are erotic arts of consciousness. Both arts add intensity to life and sex. Both embrace a wide variety of powerful consensual practices. Both Tantric and BDSM rituals are about raising erotic energy. Both practices involve conscious giving and receiving. Both encourage risks—either physical or emotional. Both erotic arts encourage personal freedom, individuality, and imagination. And both produce trance states, and transcendental, transformational experiences.

Why has it taken this long for BDSM aficionados and Tantrikas to discover each other’s charms? One of the stumbling blocks has been the lack of a common language. The two communities have traditionally described what, how, and why they do what they do in language that has sounded off-putting, inflated, or obscure to anyone not in the club. One of the primary missions of my work has been to translate words, actions, and intentions across sexual boundaries. So before we go any further, let’s define some terms.

WHAT IS TANTRA?

Tantra is the ancient Eastern spiritual practice that embraces sex as a legitimate and effective path to enlightenment. Tantra is an embodied spiritual practice. It embraces all elements and aspects of life—including but not limited to sex—as a way to experience direct knowledge of the divine. Notice I call it a spiritual practice, not a religion. Religions tend to approach spirituality in a controlled, ordered manner. There is usually a hierarchical organization and an emphasis upon a particular set of rules. If you follow the rules, you are promised a predictable goal of salvation or enlightenment or peace.

Can you have a wild, ecstatic, spiritual experience within a religion? Absolutely. You can have a wild, ecstatic, spiritual experience within the context of almost anything. For many of us, however, spiritual experiences are easier to create within the context of a spiritual practice. A spiritual practice is just that: practice. You consistently practice a way of being and seeing in the world that invites the unknown, the unexpected, and the chaotic. Spiritual practices encourage you to step out of your ordinary reality into a realm of infinite possibilities where you are likely to find that there is no separation between you and everything else, including god—goddess—universe—divine—all-that-is.

Tantrically speaking, being conscious simply means that you are in a relaxed state of awareness with a quiet mind able to focus gently and easily on what’s going on in the present moment. It’s mindfulness. It’s putting your attention on your intentions. To be conscious is to go totally into whatever you are doing—whatever it is you are experiencing. When I talk about conscious sex, I am talking about a sexual encounter in which you are focused on each successive moment of your journey through pleasure. It is not a goal-oriented activity. In Tantric sex not even orgasm can be a goal, because there is no goal. Orgasms certainly do happen—all the time, in fact. But you are likely to find other erotic moments as exquisite as orgasm on this goal-free path.

Tantric sex is a way to explore and experience sex that includes and encourages a spiritual experience. Tantra (and Taoist sexuality, which started as a branch of Chinese medicine) sees sex as an energy rather than an activity. In Tantra we use techniques such as breath, touch, sound, and movement to move the sexual energy that starts in the genitals into the rest of the body, effectively turning the entire body into a sex organ. During sex with a partner, we build and exchange this energy with a beloved. Consciousness plays a vital role in this exchange, because as you increase your level of consciousness, you increase the intensity of the energy within yourself and between the two of you.

TANTRIC SEX TECHNIQUES

There is an entire universe of possibilities to be discovered when we blend Tantra’s focus on energy, consciousness, and spiritual connection with BDSM’s traditions of consent, negotiation, and intensity. In order to experience the deep erotic sensations that can carry us into prolonged ecstatic states of arousal and altered states of consciousness, we first have to slow down and get back to basics. In that sentence we find the first of these basics: Slow down! In Tantra, we do not slow down just for the sake of making sex last longer. Rather, slowing down is the natural consequence of being more conscious. So as you practice the following basics, remember that it’s not about how fast or how intensely you practice, but how much consciousness you bring to your practice.

We’re going to begin by focusing on the physical, nongenital components of a great sexual experience. Nongenital? Aren’t genitals the most important part of sex? Well, no. In fact, you can have amazing, prolonged, full-body orgasms by combining the following nongenital techniques. And these basic elements are not just essential in the practice of Tantra—they are actually the building blocks of all erotic experiences. So let’s take a deep breath, drop into our bodies, and discover all the ways that we can generate, enjoy, and share massive amounts of sexual energy.

Our breath is our greatest source of energy and aliveness, yet most of us breathe just enough to stay alive. If you are not already a dedicated erotic breathwork junkie, I strongly suggest you become one. Deep, full conscious breathing can take you higher and deeper and farther than any other sex toy or technique. Regrettably, instead of breathing more, most of us tend to stop breathing in intensely erotic situations. I attribute this to a rule that almost all of us learned as adolescents. I call it the Quiet and Quick Rule. When we were first masturbating on a regular basis, we had to be quiet so that other members of the family would not hear us. We had to be quick so that we could get to orgasm before we were discovered. How did we manage to be quiet and quick? We held our breath. There was no chance of accidentally making a sound if you weren’t breathing. Unfortunately, the constant repetition of the Quiet and Quick Rule imprinted in it on our muscle memory, in much the same way that we learned to type or ride a bicycle. So now when we approach orgasm or any other peak erotic experience, we tend to hold our breath. To reach the level of erotic heights we long for, and to get the most out of the commingling of Tantra and BDSM, we need to break this habit and reprogram our bodies with breath.

There are many different breath techniques that can bring you to a great variety of ecstatic states. But all you really need to know is this: breathing in and out through your nose is relaxing, particularly when you make the exhale longer than the inhale. Breathing in and out through your mouth is energizing. You can alternate the two to produce states of relaxed, alive awareness. The most important thing to remember is to just keep breathing. If all you do is keep breathing a bit more fully and deeply than you usually do, you’ll be well on your way to a delightfully altered state of consciousness.

Begin by practicing on your own. As you masturbate, breathe in and out through your mouth fully and deeply. Keep your throat and mouth relaxed, and don’t force the exhale. If conscious breathing is new to you, you’ll inevitably find that you go back to holding your breath. Don’t criticize yourself, just bring your attention back to your breath. You’ll probably notice that it takes you a bit longer to orgasm when you’re breathing like this. Imagine your body as 30-gallon container waiting to be filled with erotic energy. When you hold your breath while trying to orgasm, you are only able to generate enough energy to fill up an area around your genitals about the size of a coffee cup. When you breathe fully and consistently for longer, you generate enough energy to fill your entire 30-gallon tank. Now, which container of fuel would you rather have to power your orgasm? Breathe.

Our minds wander. They jump from thought to thought. It’s not a bad thing; it’s just what minds do. If we don’t deliberately keep our attention on the erotic present moment, our minds will dance us right out of the room into some mundane anxiety, or into a fantasy that takes us out of our body and away from what’s actually happening right here, right now.

One of the most effective ways of seducing our minds into becoming our erotic allies is to focus on the creation and movement of erotic energy. This is not as difficult or as boring as it may sound. For example, if you are flogging someone, you might imagine erotic energy pumping up from your genitals into your heart, through your arm, out the tips of your flogger, and into your partner’s heart. When your partner exhales, you can imagine their erotic energy flying out of their heart and coming back to you.

With some practice you will actually be able to see energy running through other people’s bodies and feel it running through yours. For example, if you are the one being flogged, you can imagine your heart being cracked open with each stroke. Or you can imagine the fiery strokes of a cane lighting your own inner fire and burning away limitations.

As with the breathing, practice by yourself first. As you masturbate, imagine breathing the turn-on in your genitals up into your heart, then into the top of your head. Feel it sliding into your arms and hands, legs and feet. You might feel the energy move, or see it, or even hear it. It doesn’t matter which way you imagine it. And feel free to fake it until you feel it. Energy follows thought. When you pretend the energy is in your heart or your hands, chances are you’ll be feeling it there soon after.

In both sex and BDSM we can become overly concerned with technique. We worry that we’re not doing it as well as it should be done, or as well as it could be done, or as well as it was done by our lover’s last partner. If you focus on breath and energy, there will be a lot less room in your mind for this kind of self-criticism. And, if you follow the energy instead of your critical mind, you won’t have to figure out what to do next. You’ll already be doing it.

This is not really a technique. It’s a magical piece of awareness, crystallized and named by my beloved late teaching partner, Chester Mainard. As with most energetic practices, it is very simple but it may take a little practice before it becomes easy, natural, and automatic.

Although the Resilient Edge of Resistance applies to any kind of connection, especially emotional and psychic connections, it is most easily understood when applied to touch. The Resilient Edge of Resistance is a touch that is neither too hard nor too soft. The touch is deep enough that the body pushes back just a little, but gentle enough that the body does not go rigid. When you are touched at your Resilient Edge of Resistance you are lulled into a place of deep comfort and surrender, yet you remain awake and eager for more.

Try it on your arm or leg. First try a touch that’s too gentle and soft. Feel how it’s kind of creepy and annoying? Now try a touch that’s too hard. Feel how the body tries to pull away, or goes rigid to defend itself? Now find the place—it will feel like a kind of holding—where the touch is just right. Begin to massage your arm or your leg. As you continue the massage, notice how your touch changes. As the body relaxes, you can go a little deeper.

The Resilient Edge of Resistance applies to all kinds of touch including the kind of intense sensation that happens in some BDSM play. We all know that we can’t start off using our heaviest toy with our greatest strength without burning out our bottom in two strokes. We start with warm-up strokes, staying at the bottom’s Resilient Edge of Resistance, gradually building up the intensity, until we’re both flying happily on the exquisitely extreme sensation.

Sounds of pleasure can be embarrassing or frightening for some people. Remember the Quiet and Quick Rule? We learn at an early age not to make too much noise while having sex. However, sound moves energy—a lot of energy. Whether you are enjoying a long delicious fuck or a long intense night in the dungeon, you’ll get a lot more turned on and reach higher ecstatic states if you make some noise. In Tantra, the body’s energetic anatomy is made up of chakras—spinning spirals of energy located in approximately the same areas as the glands of the endocrine system—at the perineum, lower belly, solar plexus, heart, throat, forehead (aka third eye), and crown. Each of these seven chakras has a sound associated with it (as well as specific physical and metaphysical qualities, colors, and symbols). The first chakra has the lowest pitch, the highest chakra the highest pitch. You can move energy up and down your body by making sounds of different pitches. You don’t have to know any Sanskrit chants—all you have to do is remember to make sounds

PC squeezes, also known as Kegels, are little squeezes of the pubococcygeus muscle. The PC muscle is the muscle you use to stop the flow of urine. Find your PC muscle now and give it a little squeeze. Your PC muscle is your own personal erotic energy pump. Think of it as a heat pump on the furnace in your erotic basement. Use PC squeezes to help you get turned on, then to move your turn-on up through your body and out into your arms and legs. Without your PC heat pump, sexual energy might eventually get into all the rooms of your house, but with PC squeezes it will get there so much faster and more effectively.

The Tantric technique of eye-gazing is at once challenging, intimate, and a trust exercise of the highest order. It is also mesmerizing, erotically hypnotizing, and deeply comforting. Tantrikas believe that prolonged eye-gazing gives you a glimpse into your partner’s soul. At the very least, eye-gazing and breathing together will create a deep connection. Different Tantric traditions have different opinions about which eye to gaze into and why, but it really doesn’t matter. I like to gaze into my partner’s eyes with relaxed, softly focused eyes. However, in a scene involving power exchange, my gaze would likely turn more direct and commanding.

Traditionally, the six ways to generate and circulate sexual energy described above have been considered Tantric techniques. “Safe, sane, and consensual” (SSC) and “risk-aware consensual kink” (RACK) have been considered exclusively BDSM principles. Agreeing to take proper safety precautions, connect in a sober and conscious state of mind, and play consensually is excellent advice for anyone engaged in any sort of erotic play. From an energetic point of view, these principles create a safe enclosure where we are able to take the kinds of emotional risks that are necessary to fly in intimate connection with others and within ourselves. They are, if you will, the magic carpet on which we ride.

Now that you’ve got the basics, let’s practice some kinky twisted Tantra, or if you prefer, Tantric BDSM. We’ll do this by looking at two of the most basic components of BDSM—Power and Pain—through a Tantric lens.

There is virtually no human interaction that does not involve some exchange of power. Because BDSM is a consensual erotic art form, the power exchange we play with is power sharing with someone, not power over someone. So long as the safe, sane, and consensual rule is in play, our power is on loan, never taken away by force. The roles in power exchange might be named dominant/submissive, top/bottom, or any number of other more personalized descriptions of this temporary binary. Whatever the labels, both partners are regarded as equally powerful. After all, you have to have some power in order to be able to gift it to someone for a while.

There is an equivalent dynamic in Tantra, where the labels are more likely to be yin/yang or masculine/feminine. In Tantra all genders are considered equally powerful. The energetic principles of consciousness and energy are represented by the god Shiva and the goddess Shakti, respectively. As legend has it, when Shiva joined in sexual union with Shakti the union of pure consciousness and pure energy gave birth to the world. Obviously, everyone has aspects of both consciousness and energy, just as everyone has both masculine and feminine qualities. In some branches of neo-Tantra these energetic principles were mistakenly reduced to the binaries of male and female. This created not only a gender bias but also a heterosexist bias. In Tantric circles today, this misconception is now much less prevalent than it once was.

We all have our issues around power and gender. As the daughter of a mother with borderline personality disorder, I lived in a nonconsensual D/s relationship for the first 18 years of my life. As such, I have had a lifelong uneasy relationship with power exchange—even conscious, consensual, power exchange. As a radical queer (I describe myself most frequently as a young black drag queen in a blonde female body), I have had an uneasy relationship with the masculine/ feminine binary. My sensitivity to being boxed into any of these roles meant I had to reinvent them to be able to find my own path in both Tantra and BDSM. I needed to find new language—language that did not stir up old traumas.

I looked for words that described the essence of the energy exchange, not the identity of the participants. I have tried giver/receiver, creative/receptive, initiator/beneficiary. The words that work best for me? Active and receptive.

For me, active and receptive are like positive and negative poles on a battery. One pole is not better or stronger than the other. You need both to create energy. In practice, assuming active and receptive roles is a delightful, efficient way of amping up energy. Once the energy is firing on its own, the roles begin to slip away, becoming unnecessary and even meaningless—as both active and receptive partners are carried along on currents of flowing energy.

EXERCISE: PLAYING WITH POWER

Let’s try an erotic exercise in which you can experience the essence of active and receptive power exchange.

This exercise will require a partner, a blindfold, and wrist restraints. If you don’t have a pair of wrist cuffs you can make wrist restraints out of a 15- to 18-foot piece of rope. Choose ¼-inch to ½-inch-thick soft rope. Although this is not a bondage exercise, you will need to know how to tie wrist restraints safely without damaging nerves or cutting off circulation. Instructions for simple wrist bondage follow below.

One of you will be the active partner, the other the receptive partner. Read through these instructions in advance, so you can raise any issues of consent that need to be discussed in the first moments of the exercise.

Both partners: Face your partner. Breathe. Gaze into your partner’s eyes. Drop into the present moment.

If you have any limits or boundaries around anything in this exercise, share them with your partner now.

Place your right hand on your partner’s heart. Then place your left hand over your partner’s right hand, which is on your heart. Continue breathing together and eye-gazing. Let this continue until you feel that you have created a deep connection.

Active partner:

1. Fold your rope in half. The loop created where the rope folds is called the bight. Have your partner hold their wrists parallel to each other with their palms facing each other. Make sure the wrists are not touching each other or you won’t be able to finish the restraints. Wrap the folded rope around your partner’s wrists three or four times.

2. Cross the ends of the rope.

3. Pull the ends to create a twist.

4. Now drop both the bight and the ends between the wrists on either side of the wrapped rope.

5. Bring the bight and the ends back up between the wrists, wrapping around the existing rope, creating rope handcuffs. Don’t make the cuffs too tight. You should be able to fit one or two fingers between the bondage and the skin.

6. Tie it off with a simple square knot. You should have enough rope dangling free to use as leash.

Both partners: Return to eye-gazing. Breathe with your partner. The wrist restraints will have changed the dynamic between you—simply notice how. With your breath and your eyes, begin to take on your active or your receptive role. There is no right or wrong way to do this, nor will the change happen all at once. Just breathe and eye-gaze with the intention of becoming more active or more receptive.

Active partner: Now put the blindfold over your partner’s eyes. In a moment you will begin to lead your partner around the room. But before you begin to walk, synchronize your breathing to your partner’s. Because you are the active partner, you get to choose the nature of the breath. You can stand behind your partner with your chest against their back, placing your hand on their heart and breathing, making clear your intention that they match their breath to yours. As you begin to walk, this breath can act as the secondary leash between you.

Slowly begin to walk your partner around the room, leading them with the leash. As you lead them, go more completely into the active role. What is demanded from you in this role? Your partner is blindfolded and their hands are tied. This makes you completely responsible for their physical and emotional safety. What energetic techniques can you bring into play to make you as conscious as possible in this moment?

Receptive partner: With each breath, give over a little more control to your active partner. Observe your feelings, as if from a distance. Are you feeling fear? Relief? Resistance? Peace? Although your partner may have established initial control by insisting you match your breath to theirs, as you move into the exercise, experiment with your breath until you find one that helps you move more deeply into receptivity. Remember, a receptive partner is not a passive partner. You are not giving up, giving in, or doing nothing. Rather, you are striving to open up and become more mindful. In this receptive state you are open not only to a more intimate connection with your partner, but to a more intimate connection to yourself, to your surroundings and to all-that-is.

For purposes of this exercise, I strongly suggest you switch roles. You may be involved in a D/s relationship where switching just isn’t part of your play. However, that doesn’t have to prevent you from experimenting with active and receptive. My friend and colleague Raven Kaldera and his full-time slave, Joshua, figured out a way to experience both active and receptive roles. As Raven described it: “When I was leading Joshua, he was doing what I wanted him to do; when Joshua was leading me, he was doing what he knew I would want him to do.”

Now let’s experiment with combining power exchange with Tantric positions designed for sexual energy exchange. In order to do this part of the exercise, you’ll need to know one energizing breath and one Tantric position. Here’s the breath. I call it the Heart Breath:

1. Yawn. Feel how the yawn opens the back of your throat and stretches out your whole mouth and face? That’s the feeling of openness you want when you do the Heart Breath.

2. Breathe. Let your mouth fall open slightly. Relax your jaw and face, open the back of your throat, and breathe in through your mouth, gently but fully.

3. Exhale. Don’t push the breath out; just let it fall out with a gentle little sigh, ahhh.

4. Take in as much air as you can, as effortlessly as you can, then let it go.

5. Keep breathing. That’s all there is to it. You can do the Heart Breath as slowly or as intensely as you like.

Now the position. It is called Yab Yum, and it’s the classic Tantric sex position. One partner sits in an easy cross-legged posture, with a cushion under their tailbone. The other partner sits in their lap, facing them, with legs wrapped around their waist and the soles of the feet touching. Both partners place their right hand at the back of their partner’s neck and their left hand on their partner’s tailbone. Yab Yum can be done with or without penetration. For purposes of this exercise, we’ll do it without penetration, so you can keep your focus on the power exchange. In Yab Yum you are perfectly aligned with your partner, energetically. You can gaze into your partner’s eyes. You can kiss. Or, touch your foreheads together, third eye to third eye. You can draw energy up your partner’s spine, from the tailbone to the neck. As you get more and more turned on and active, you can rock back and forth passionately.

Now you’re ready to begin part two of the exercise.

Active partner: Lead your partner over to a soft and comfortable but firm and supported place. Beds are generally too soft. Try some soft pillows placed on the floor. Remove the wrist restraints.

Both partners: You are going to begin with an even power exchange, then move into active and receptive roles.

Sit facing your partner in an easy cross-legged position. (If this is difficult for you, arrange some pillows on the floor or sit with your legs in some other more comfortable position.) Place your right hand over your partner’s heart. Then place your left hand over your partner’s hand, which is on your heart. Breathe together using the Heart Breath and look into each other’s eyes. Allow a sigh or ahhh to come out every four or five breaths or so. Begin to rock back and forth, focusing on an evenly balanced exchange of energy. Neither of you is intentionally active or receptive. As the rocking becomes faster and more intense, take your hands off each other’s hearts and hold them together between you in a prayer position, joining all four hands between you. As you rock, move your joined hands in circles—sending energy up the front of your body and down the front of your partner’s. Then reverse, sending energy up the front of your partner’s body and down the front of yours.

Now, move into Yab Yum. The receptive partner sits in the lap of the active partner. You can breathe with foreheads touching, still eye-gazing, as the active partner begins to rock back and forth. Breathe together with the intention of going completely and totally into active and completely and totally into receptive.

A variation on this is to tie a (strong) sarong, knotted in the front at the breastbone, on the receptive partner. This gives the active partner a “handle” at the heart chakra. The active partner can “throw” the receptive partner away from them, then pull them back in, building intense energy between the two of you. (Warning: If you choose this variation make sure that the receptive partner’s neck and back are flexible enough to withstand the throw. Whiplash is seldom sexy.)

Be aware that odd things can happen during this exercise. The active partner may feel as if they have grown an energetic cock. The receptive partner may feel as if they are being fucked by that cock. Faces can appear to change. You may feel as if you are flying. You may see visions. You may simply enjoy the physical sensation of being thrown about by your partner. You will find your own authentic ecstasy by simple conscious experience of this exercise.

When you have landed safely back on earth, take a moment to analyze the results of your experiment. How did things change when you consciously moved from a balanced power exchange into active and receptive roles? What was that like for you? What was easy? What was hard? Was this type of power exchange different from the ways in which you may have played with power before? As you share the answers to these questions with your partner you will be well on your way to creating your own personalized style of power sharing.

CONSCIOUS SEX

Now that you’ve had a taste of conscious active and receptive power exchange, let’s add conscious sex. Some people get so high off the exchange of power and sexual energy that genital sex becomes irrelevant or redundant. They may intentionally avoid genital orgasm to prolong the ride. However, in addition to feeling wonderful and just being fabulous fun, sex is an important energy builder in its own right. How you combine power exchange and sex is completely up to you. In the Yab Yum position, you can use a penis, a dildo, a double dildo or an anal plug for vaginal or anal penetration. Whether your cock is anatomical or strap-on, the combination of the power exchange, the rocking, and the penetration will exponentially intensify all sensations. Vary the speed of your fucking. Fuck really hard and fast. Then just stop. Do nothing. Let the energy run through you for as long as it can. Maintain your active/receptive power exchange even when you are perfectly still. Then fuck really fast again. You can do a variation on this from the rear. In this position, you can play with your partner’s clitoris or cock as you fuck.

You can also use conscious power exchange to enhance erotic massage. If you are the active partner you can use sensual touch—your hands or your whole body—to communicate the transfer of control. For example your hands on their back might convey the message, “You are my property,” or, you might lie on top of your partner, using your weight to take command. You can dictate the pace of your partner’s arousal, driving them wild by denying them an orgasm or by insisting on multiple “forced” orgasms. By the way, although it might seem logical that the person giving the massage would be the active partner and the person receiving the massage would be the receptive partner, this is not the only viable power-sharing configuration. The person receiving the massage could be the active partner, directing the receptive partner in giving them exactly the right touch, exactly when they want it.

Power exchange and oral sex are a similarly good mix. As the active partner you could take control of your partner’s cock or pussy with your mouth, teasing mercilessly, allowing orgasm only on your terms, in your own time. If you like vampire fantasies, you could imagine feeding on your partner by sucking out their power and their pleasure with your mouth. As the receptive partner, your mouth could become your partner’s sex toy, to be used as they please.

Use your imagination. You don’t need specifically Tantric positions or BDSM rituals to play with conscious power exchange. Some fantasy or image may have flashed through your mind as you were exchanging power. You may have caught a glimpse of a scene you’d like to act out. Perhaps your inner hapless victim wants to be overpowered by your partner’s inner evil villain? Whatever your sexual preferences or desires, you can combine them with power exchange. The possibilities are infinite.

THE TAO OF PAIN

People who love to play with pain do it for a variety of reasons. For many people, traveling on the intense sensation commonly referred to as pain produces altered and expanded states of consciousness. For others, playing with “good” pain alleviates physical, emotional, and psychic “bad” pain. Many people who love “good” pain—meaning conscious pain—experience it as orgasmic, including those who consciously and compassionately inflict the pain upon themselves; for example, solo SM artists and cutters.

Conscious pain is not the kind of pain we experience when we stub our toe or bang our elbow on a door frame. Conscious pain is not accidental, nor is it violent. Orgasmic pain is an intense sensation, received by choice by someone who knows how to turn it into pleasure, relief, or empowerment. It is delivered by someone who knows how to deliver it in measured doses, at the right intervals and intensities.

But still, pain as orgasm? Let’s consider for a moment: what exactly is an orgasm? The most common definition might be “a sexual climax attained by stimulation of the genitals and other erogenous zones.” That seems incomplete. Perhaps we could add “accompanied by a release of accumulated tension and energy.” That’s better, but it’s nowhere near inclusive enough to contain the kinds of expanded orgasms we want to talk about when we combine Tantra and BDSM. Let’s try this: “An orgasm is a release of tension and expansion of energy flowing through the body/mind and connecting us to spirit.”

According to this definition, conscious pain could certainly produce an orgasm. And how you actually do that is simple: you use all the techniques for moving sexual energy through the body that you learned at the beginning of this chapter. If you combine conscious breathing, focused imagination, sounds, and PC squeezes, you could have an orgasm with no genital stimulation whatsoever. Yes—an actual orgasm. I recently proved that this type of hands-free, breath-and-energy orgasm is an actual orgasm by having one inside an fMRI machine. Just as you can add these techniques to sex to produce hugely expanded genital orgasms, you can combine them with pain to produce exquisite paingasms. Of course, this doesn’t mean you have to leave out the sex. A combined energy/pain/genital orgasm is truly (and almost literally) a mind-blowing experience. You can use all these techniques of expanded orgasm to keep ecstasy flying through you or you flying through it.

EXERCISE: PLAYING WITH PAIN

So let’s try another two-part exercise. We’ll explore the possibilities of conscious pain in solo practice first and then with a partner.

Before we begin, here’s a word of caution and an alert to a possible trigger: The solo practice of pain, like the solo practice of sex (masturbation) may come attached to feelings of shame, guilt, and self-recrimination. For example, some people feel they’re mad or bad because they cut, scratch, pull out hair, or bang their wrists. In this next exercise, I’m going to ask you to drop any self-judgment and focus instead on experiencing the sensation of pain. If that’s too difficult for you, or if it triggers bad feelings about yourself, then skip the solo part of this exercise and, if possible, go on to Playing with Pain (For Two).

Get comfortable. Make sure you feel physically and psychically safe. Pain (and sex and most everything else) is seldom ecstatic in unsafe space. Breathe gently but fully, in and out of slightly parted, relaxed lips. With each exhale, imagine all the tension leaving your body through the top of your head and the base of your spine. Squeeze your PC muscle and begin to find the beginning of a turn-on in your genitals. Breathe into that turn-on and imagine it flowing through your whole body, and out into your fingertips and toes.

You are going to practice giving, receiving, and fully experiencing a sensation of pain that you give to yourself.

Find a way to give yourself a stinging or thudding sensation—one that doesn’t damage your body. We want to focus on sensation, not injury. You can give yourself a slap, a pinch, a bite, or use your fingernails on any place on your body you can reach. For those of you who are more experienced with pain, you can use a favorite toy from your collection of sensation-producing devices. If you don’t have a collection of toys, you can use your hands, mouth, a wooden spoon, or some other implement you can find in your kitchen.

You will give yourself a single sensation. This can mean three slaps, or several seconds of a bite. Sometimes a single, effective, painful sensation can only be created with multiple strokes, therefore those multiple strokes count as a single sensation. You’re going to create a single sensation and then dive into that sensation as totally as you can, using your breath, your mind, sound, and PC squeezes to expand the sensation and carry it through your body.

So let’s try it. Breathe. Center yourself. Focus. Give yourself the sensation. Now go completely into it. Become the pain. Ride it as a surfer rides a wave—all the way into the beach until it disappears.

Breathe. Do it again. Deliver each stroke at your Resilient Edge of Resistance—right at the place where the pain is enough to make you gasp, but not so intense that you withdraw from it completely.

Now we are going to try a similar exercise with a partner. The receptive partner will ask the active partner for a single sensation and tell the active partner a) how intense the sensation should be, b) how long the sensation should continue, and c) where on the body they wish to receive it. They will also create a safeword. (Most people play with safewords. Some don’t. In this exercise, a safeword is part of the mindfulness of our giving and receiving, so we will use one.)

Let’s try it: Face your partner. Breathe. Gaze into your partner’s eyes. Drop into the present moment. If you have any physical or emotional limits or boundaries concerning anything in this exercise, share them with your partner now.

The receptive partner asks for a sensation. The active partner decides whether or not this sensation is something they are willing and able to give. If they are willing to give the requested sensation, they do so. Then they do nothing. They breathe and pause, allowing the receptive partner to fully experience the sensation. When the receptive partner is ready for another sensation they ask for it, perhaps specifying that the next sensation be lighter or harder or something completely different. The role of the active partner is to give the sensation and support the receptive partner with breath and focused energy.

Notes for the active partner: Try to give your sensation as quickly as possible. If pain is given in a flash, the receiver does not have a chance to tense up and the sensation is more pleasurable.

Notes for the receptive partner: Alternate calming and charging breaths. Make sounds. Move the energy with PC squeezes. Remember, you are in complete control of this experience. Go as far as you and your partner want to go, and observe your limits.

This is an experiment in how pain and intense sensation build erotic energy within you and between you and your partner. Try to release your expectations of what you think should happen as well as your desire to make something happen. Simply witness each present moment of the exercise.

As with the exercise in power, I strongly suggest you switch roles. Whether you are a top, a bottom, or a switch by nature, this experiment in how to move and transform pain into energy is a valuable (and delightful) exercise.

Now that you have a direct, mindful, solo and partnered experience of pain as an energetic force, feel free to add the sex. Sex is an especially delicious complement to pain. You can alternate deep thrusts and soft strokes with stinging blows. Spanking, nipple biting, and hair pulling make great accompaniments to fucking. Rake your fingernails over your lover’s back, belly, and thighs. Pour the wax from a low-temperature paraffin candle on your beloved’s back as you fuck them. Raid your kitchen for potential kinky toys. Keep a collection of wooden spoons, spatulas, fondue forks, and pickle tongs within easy reach. You can take one favorite sensation to new levels of intensity, or mix it up with varying intensities of sharp, pinchy, thuddy, stinging, hot and cold.

The endorphins and comfort provided by the sex provide the perfect lubricant for expanding levels of orgasmic pain. You can climb to ecstatic heights with pain, then slide down through the valleys with sex, then swoop back up on pain. Your only limits are your imagination and an eventual need for water, food, and sleep.

Now that you’ve visited the place on the erotic map where Tantric sex and BDSM intersect, don’t be a stranger! Stop by often and explore all that the neighborhood has to offer. It’s growing larger and more diverse every day.

Author’s Note: The exercises in this chapter were adapted from workshop exercises I created in collaboration with Dossie Easton, coauthor of Radical Ecstasy: S/M Journeys Into Transcendence. I am grateful to her for all I learned while cofacilitating these workshops and for all the fun I had learning it. I am also grateful to Kate Bornstein for her invaluable insights on the practice of solo pain.

Poking needles into flesh is one of my favorite things to do. Really. There are a variety of reasons why a person may want to perform temporary piercings on another. A top may pierce for the enjoyment of the bottom or for her reactions, which might not always be pleasant. Piercing is much more invasive than other types of SM skills. Whereas a flogging is an external kind of stimulation, with needles you are entering the body. This can feel like a different type of penetration to some or an invasion of the body to others, and piercing often creates a more intimate experience between partners. From an artistic viewpoint, piercing allows the top creative expression; one can create different designs with needle configurations and shapes, colors, decorative ribbon, and other items. Imagine putting feathers in the hubs of the needles after they have been placed and transforming your bottom into a peacock.

Some bottoms use piercing as an adjunct to a scene involving medical play, other temporary body modification, or blood play, while others may do it solely for the sensation of being pierced and its accompanying endorphin rush. Endorphins are morphine-like substances originating from within the body—the body’s natural painkiller. Endorphins cause those feelings of exhilaration we get when we experience pain, stress, or excitement. When I pierce my own chest during a hook pull ritual, I get a sense of opening myself up on a deep level. Whether they are called chakras, loci, or meridians, different parts of the body hold special significance in certain spiritual beliefs and this can be accessed through piercing.

PIERCING SUPPLIES

Let’s talk about the supplies you need to work with needles in a scene. Ideally, you need a bottom to poke, but you could start on yourself if you like. Besides needles and cleanup supplies, you’ll need an understanding of basic anatomy and know how to prepare the skin, and you should know the medical history of the person you are piercing. Keep in mind that there are people out there who have needle phobias. They have an irrational fear of needles and will pass out in response to touching, being poked by, or even seeing needles. Trust me, it has happened in my classes.

When asking a partner about his or her medical history, find out if they have any allergies. Common allergies that pertain to needle work include allergies to latex and to iodine or shellfish. If the bottom has an allergy to latex, you will want to use nitrile or vinyl gloves. Should you encounter a shellfish/ iodine allergy, use a skin prep other than Povidone-iodine. Also inquire about bleeding disorders and the use of blood-thinning medications. These do not necessarily disqualify a person from having needles put into them, but you should take into consideration bruising and make sure any bleeding has stopped.

In order to prepare the skin and decrease the risk of infection when using needles, you should use a skin prep solution. There are many types—some are more readily available, and some may be more cost effective. I personally like to use Chlorhexidine. However, any of the preparations discussed below will work; just be sure to follow the manufacturer’s directions for use as skin prep. Some of these come as a solution that you can apply with sterile gauze pads; some are also available as individually wrapped pads with the solution on them.

• 61% ethyl alcohol

Ethyl alcohol is commonly found in antibacterial hand soap; you can buy 61% solution at your local pharmacy.

• Povidone-iodine

The most common brand name of this solution is Betadine, and it can be found in drugstores. If the bottom is allergic to shellfish or iodine, do not use Povidone-iodine. Note: this solution will temporarily discolor the skin.

• 70% isopropyl alcohol

This is the least expensive solution on the list and the easiest to find in drugstores; however, in medical studies, it’s also the least effective at killing bacteria found on the skin.

• 6% benzocaine with isopropyl alcohol 70%

The same as above, but this product also numbs the skin a little.

• Chlorhexidine

Chlorhexidine comes in 2% or 4% concentrations or a 1% concentration combined with 61% ethyl alcohol. You can purchase these at your local pharmacy or from online medical suppliers.

There are many types of gloves out there, but I tend to use nitrile gloves because they are latex free and I can get them in purple. Purple is the color of the hanky for piercing, should you wish to do any flagging. I find latex gloves more stretchy and easier to put on. Nitrile and vinyl gloves, though latex free, are harder to put on, especially if your hands get moist from sweating or if you are changing gloves frequently. You may find that some bottoms react poorly to the sight of blood. Black gloves are available, often used by tattoo artists and piercing shops, that decrease the visibility of blood on the gloves, should things get a little messy. For you folks who are all into the “black look,” these would enhance your wardrobe.

When you are using needles, you may encounter blood, so always have cleanup supplies handy. Don’t make things too complicated. You can use plain paper towels to clean up the holes. If inclined to do so, you can treat each hole as a trauma wound and tape gauze pads to each one. To clean work surfaces, use a 10% household bleach solution and paper towels. Make this solution by mixing one and a half cups of household bleach and a gallon of water, or one part bleach to nine parts water. Make sure you are wearing gloves when working with bleach. Bleach begins to lose its effectiveness in a short period of time, so discard the bleach after your cleanup. Make a new batch of bleach solution if you do not use it within 24 hours.

Needles come in a plethora of sizes (or gauges), the most common being 25, 23, 22, 20, and 18. They are measured by their diameter: the larger the number, the smaller the diameter. Thus an 18-gauge needle is a larger-diameter needle (1.270 mm outside diameter) than a 25-gauge (0.508 mm outside diameter). Additionally, needles come in varying lengths, the most common being ⅝ inch, 1 inch, and 1½ inch. Use only single-use disposable needles in sterile packaging.

For the most part, you will want to use “hubbed” needles, as they are the most commonly available, cheapest to buy, and have the bonus feature of a “handle” which aids placement of the needle (See Illustration 8.1: Piercing needles.) Another name for this type of needle is hypodermic, from Greek, meaning under the skin. Hub needles can be obtained from online medical supply stores or fetish supply stores. Be sure you are abiding by your local laws concerning the purchase of needles. Other needle types include acupuncture, spinal, TB, insulin, body piercing, Huber, and biopsy.

HOW TO PIERCE

Beginning piercers should stick to fleshy places like the chest, back, arms, and legs. Basically, if you can pinch the skin and not feel muscle between your fingers, it is okay to put a needle there. Until you are more experienced and have gained more education, avoid piercing the genitals, face, neck, tongue or other less fleshy areas of the body. Some bottoms may feel more at ease if they are able to watch; others are horrified to watch. Pick what is right for the scene.

When you are prepping the skin, use the recommendations provided by the manufacturer of the product you are using.

Pinch a section of skin between your fingers. Insert the needle parallel to the surface of the skin. (See Illustration 8.2: Needle insertion.) Using this technique, you prevent the needle from penetrating anything vital. How close you pierce to the body determines how much of the needle will be in the skin and how deep the needle will be buried. Also, you must take into account the length of your needle. If you want the tip of the needle to come back out of the skin, you need to pierce higher up on your pinch and farther away from the body.

Grasp the needle with your dominant hand, using your thumb and index finger to hold the needle by its hub. Line up the needle parallel to the surface of the skin next to the place you have pinched, and be sure that your fingertips are far enough away that you are not going to poke yourself when the needle comes out the other side. Bottoms may jump in response to the initial poke or squirm as you push the needle through the skin. Anticipate this movement to avoid poking yourself. Some piercers leave the pointy end of the needle inside the skin after they have placed it. This can keep you from getting poked by a “dirty” needle (one that has already been used) if you are placing needles close together.

Some piercers put needles through fast, while others push slowly. The choice is yours—each way produces a different sensation. Larger-gauge needles, 12 and above, may require a sterile lubricant to aid their insertion.

You will soon discover that not everyone’s skin is the same. Some people have thin skin, which makes piercing very easy, while others have thick, tough skin requiring a sledgehammer to drive the needle in. The thicker the skin, the more difficult it is to pinch. Coating the needle with sterile lube may help you with needle placement in tough skin.

OTHER CONSIDERATIONS

One factor to consider is room temperature. A warmer room is more conducive to people passing out in response to needles, so you may want to think about that if you have a bottom with a fear of needles. Heating up the room to keep your bottom warm might be a bad idea. Besides, a cold room can make the nipples erect and easier to pierce—when you get more pokes under your belt. (Okay, I might have a nipple fetish.)

If you poke needles straight down into the skin—that is, perpendicular to the skin surface, you run the risk of poking organs such as the lungs, heart, intestines, liver, and spleen. This is especially true with longer needles. Stick to the simple technique of pinching the skin unless you have studied human anatomy. If you want to be a great piercer, take a college course in anatomy and physiology.

I especially do not advocate poking needles straight into the breast tissue of female-bodied people. (Imagine the breast as a birthday cake with candles). There are structures in the female breast that are more susceptible to infection; placing puncture wounds deep into the breast increases the risk of infection. It is my opinion that women who are breast-feeding are at an even higher risk.

Always dispose of your needles in a puncture-proof plastic container. Many people just use commercially manufactured “sharps” containers, but some local ordinances allow for disposal of needles in regular trash. Please check your local laws concerning needle disposal. Many public dungeons often have specific containers for disposal of bloody materials such as paper towels and gloves.

HOW THE BODY REACTS TO PIERCING

Bottoms can react in different ways to piercing. Those who enjoy piercing will welcome the sensation and be receptive to it. Some may get very still, while others may thrash about. It is best to talk to your bottom and discuss how he may react. Remember that piercing is unlike some other SM activities in that a fear of needles is a common phobia. Let’s face it: most of our first experiences with needles were in a medical office—not the best introduction to piercing and needles. With a person who has never been pierced before, always prepare for the worst, but be open to everything. You cannot always predict how someone’s body will react to needles.

One evening my wife, Katie, and I were having sex in our home dungeon. Katie and I had been together for about four years at the time and I had yet to place needles in her nipples. This seemed like a great time to address that oversight. By this point Katie was really hating me—at anything I did she screamed “No!” and fought back in anger. I should add that Katie and I are very experienced at what we do. She often protests during our scenes—it’s part of how we do BDSM. As I inserted a single needle into each nipple, you would have thought I was cutting a limb off. If she had not been rendered immobile, I think she would have run out of the house naked.

So what size needles did I put in her nipples? It may surprise you to know that I used 25-gauge ⅝-inch needles. Keep in mind that Katie has no problems with needles in general—I have poked her hundreds of times, but her nipples are borderline hypersensitive. When I proposed marriage to her, she was suspended from six 8-gauge hooks in her back. So why did she have such a violent reaction to these tiny, tiny things in her nipples? The answer is context, location, and pain theory. When it comes to needle work, size really does not matter, nor does the number of needles you place.

There is a theory called “wind-up” that pertains to pain and the body’s response to pain. Wind-up pain results from the constant bombardment of the neurons in the spinal cord. Pain becomes amplified and the body develops opioid tolerance: opioid painkillers are no longer effective. If pain goes untreated during surgery, for example, wind-up can occur, causing the patient to wake up with increased sensitivity to pain. Additionally, the body’s own natural responses to pain no longer work. All that adrenaline and those endorphins go right out the door. This may be an “aha” moment for some of you.

Taking this into account, I knew that I did not have to place harpoons into Katie’s nipples to get the sexual satisfaction I wanted. This understanding about the body’s response to pain enabled me to avoid the potential complications of greater trauma or damage caused by larger-gauge needles in such a small target. Yeah, I did fuck her one more time after the needles were in place, but I held her for a long time after it was over—she was in a rather fragile emotional state.

THE RISKS

When you puncture someone’s skin, you must be aware of the potential dangers. If you slide a needle into someone, then accidentally poke yourself as it comes out the other side, you can be exposed to their blood. The most common potentially infectious body fluids are: blood, preseminal fluid (precum), semen, vaginal secretions, and any fluid in which blood can be seen (for example, bloody saliva after brushing teeth). Exposure can be defined as an incident when the potentially infectious blood or body fluids of one person come in contact with the blood or body fluids of another. If these fluids come into contact with cuts or sores, hangnails, needle sticks, or mucous membranes, there is the potential for exposure. Mucous membranes are those linings or cavities of the human body that are exposed to air: the linings of the digestive tract and the mouth, respiratory tract and nose, conjunctiva of the eyes, and the genitourinary tract, including the urethra. Contact of potentially infectious body fluids with intact skin does not constitute exposure.

The bloodborne pathogens that are of greatest concern are the hepatitis B and C viruses (HBV and HCV) and Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV). Blood contains the highest concentrations of HBV, HCV, and HIV, thus contact with blood poses the highest risk of transmission.

Based on 2005 statistics, the known risk for becoming infected with HIV after a percutaneous exposure (needle stick) to blood containing HIV is approximately 0.3 percent—that is, 1 out of 300 exposures will result in seroconversion. The rate for hepatitis B-positive seroconversion in a nonimmunized host is 6 to 24 percent and for exposure to hepatitis C, 1 to 10 percent.

When contracted, hepatitis attacks the liver and can result in lifelong illness. Liver cancer, failure of the liver, permanent scarring of the liver called cirrhosis, and death can occur after a person has become infected with HBV or HCV.

A carrier is an individual who is infected by the virus and has not recovered fully from infection. They may harbor the virus for the rest of their life without any signs or symptoms of infection. The only way to know if you are infected with HBV or HCV is to get a blood test.

A virus needs a host such as a human to live in. Many viruses do not survive long outside the human body. HCV can stay alive in a drop of blood for up to four days. HBV is a rather strong “bug” that can live in a drop of blood for about a week. Hepatitis B and C are easier to acquire than HIV for this reason.

There is an HBV vaccine available. It consists of a series of three injections given over a six-month period. I recommend that all persons involved in BDSM activities get the series.

HIV is the virus that causes Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (AIDS). It is a rather weak virus compared to HBV, in that it is easily destroyed outside the human body. HIV is less contagious than HBV or HCV because there are lower concentrations of HIV in a drop of blood. However, there is still a serious risk of transmission. The stage of infection affects the concentrations of the virus in body fluids—the more advanced the illness, the higher the concentration of the virus. Currently there is no approved HIV vaccine.

Should an exposure occur, remain calm. If you stick yourself with a needle that has been used on another person, or are otherwise exposed, immediate treatment is essential.

For exposure as a result of broken skin, clean the exposed area with soap and water. Squeezing blood out of the wound has no added effect.

If exposure is to the mucous membranes, flush the affected area with water for 15 minutes.

Contact your primary care physician immediately. If there has been possible exposure to HBV, medical treatment needs to begin within 24 hours. Opinions vary as to when prophylaxis treatment should begin for possible exposure to HIV: from 30 minutes to 4 hours has been recommended.

Exposure to infectious diseases must be taken very seriously—they can be life-threatening. Get tested for HBV, HCV, and HIV for your own sake and for the safety of those you scene with. Positive HBV, HCV, or HIV status does not preclude future scenes involving blood so long as standard precautions are taken. Be open to your partners concerning your medical status. It is inexcusable to have an infectious disease and not tell your partner about it.

NEEDLE WORK AFTERCARE

If a wound is going to become infected, it will usually happen in the first 24 to 72 hours. This statistic is based on infections arising from open-wound trauma that required closure. Infection rates for a “clean wound,” such as the ones created from operating on intact skin without entering any internal organs, is 2.5 percent. These rates are compiled from surgical incisions, not tiny holes from a needle. What you are doing is puncturing normal healthy tissue. To prevent infection, clean the area twice a day with clean gauze and a mixture of equal parts hydrogen peroxide and water. (It’s not necessary to use sterile gauze.) If desired, and if there is no allergy, apply Neosporin to the area one to three times a day.

Consult a physician if you develop any of these signs and symptoms of infection:

• Slight redness around the insertion site is normal, but redness should not spread beyond the site. Red streaking leading away from the wound is a definite sign of infection.

• Pain and tenderness and mild bruising are normal, but the pain and swelling should be greatest during the second day and should then diminish.

• Increased redness or warmth

• Any drainage from the site

• Any fever above 100.4 degrees Fahrenheit

PIERCING IN A SCENE

Please keep in mind that this is an introduction to needle work. There are many places to go from here. You can combine needles with other types of scenes—here are just a few ideas. To add some more pain to the equation, spray 70% isopropyl alcohol on the fresh piercing holes to make them sting. If your bottom likes humiliation, have him walk around a public dungeon all bandaged up or with a hundred elastic bandages stuck all over his body. Piercing can easily be combined with virtually any other type of scene. Once a person is in bondage, needles can be placed anywhere that you can access skin. The needles themselves can be used for bondage by looping a string around the ends and attaching the other end of the string to a stationary object.

For a more artistic flair, needles can be placed to create various shapes and designs. Some folks layer the needles to make a “button.” This is accomplished by inserting a needle in regular fashion and then inserting another needle just under the first, but at a 90-degree angle to it—think of a pinwheel. Multiple needles can be placed in the same area using this technique. Just use one of the needles you already inserted to lift up the skin to ease placement of subsequent needles. After the needles are in place you can press on the “button” with a gloved hand or finger to increase the intensity of the piercing. Be extra careful not to get poked. After you’ve pierced the flesh and the sharp end of the needle has come out the other side, you can carefully put the end into a sterile cork or decorative “cap”—it’s a great way to prevent getting poked.

Are you getting the idea that there is more to needle work than simply placing the needles? Of course there are more things to do to up the excitement. Rotating the needles, pulling on the needles, and using larger-gauge needles are ways to be a little more sadistic. Just use your imagination and have fun.

I want to share one more thing about the story I told earlier. As I write this, Katie and I are waiting for her nipple jewelry to arrive. You see, Katie asked me to permanently pierce her nipples. But she gets to watch me do it. Funny how that worked out.

The sweet intersection of slap and kiss. The rough and tumble of pound and caress, of commanding voice and gentle stroke, of laugh and growl. Welcome to the intense and gorgeous world of rough sex.

Rough sex is not one person deciding desires and limits. Rough sex is not one person accepting whatever is done to them or when it stops. Rough sex is not polite. Rough sex is not abuse. Rough sex is not payback or punishment.

Rough sex is consent and desire.

Rough sex treads on taboos, giving them a wink and the finger.

Rough sex is the clear permission to take and give power.

Rough sex doesn’t care about what gender you are, how you look, who you fuck, or who others say you’re supposed to be.

Rough sex is release, dominance, resistance, objectification, humiliation, imagination, role play, giving in, giving over.

Rough sex is connected, laughing, loving, silly, growling, playful.

Rough sex is awareness, calculating, tender, self-confident, respectful.

Rough sex is primal, raw, spiritual, animalistic, unruly, breathless, ruthless, famished, predatory, ecstatic.

Rough sex is unfolding and claiming your desire.

Rough sex is using your hands, genitals, mouth, heart, toys, and brain.

Rough sex is passion and ache.

In this chapter, we will explore how to find and express your own desire, push through fears, communicate, negotiate, and define your physical and emotional limits and release. Plus, I’ll let you in on a compelling assortment of techniques, ideas, and safety tips so you can get busy expressing your brutal affection.

CLAIMING YOUR DESIRES

There are lots of reasons why people want to have fierce, power-imbued, consensual sex. Say you lead a complicated life that requires you to make endless decisions and keep control of your home, work, or school. The opportunity for someone who respects you, likes you, or loves you to come in and “relieve you” of your power by running the show for a few hours is liberating. Maybe you’ve always been a scrappy kid—wrestling with your sisters and brothers and the kids at school. To feel the force from someone aching to be pounded into by you, or they into you, feels like being put back into your flesh in a most exquisite way. Perhaps, for you, gentle is only part of your story. Expressing physically the power, passion, and heat you carry is what links you to your lover and connects you both in a spiritual, emotional way that tenderness doesn’t always reach. Maybe it’s more primal: you like to slap people while fucking them with all your strength. You get rock hard and slippery wet fantasizing about being tied spread-eagled to the kitchen table, gagged and blindfolded. Like other kinds of BDSM, rough sex releases endorphins—chemicals from the brain which block pain and create feelings of euphoria; many people thrill at the rush and high they feel from intense physical sensations.

Something shifts in me. Something shuts off—some internal voice is silenced. I don’t see my stretch marks, or the dirty clothes on the floor. No, I’m aware of something shoving the critics out of the way, displacing them. To think this is only about body parts is a mistake. It’s like my brain gets quieted by the roar of my hunger, ache, need. I take what I want knowing she wants me to take her again and again. I become so tall and strong—like a mother pushing a car off a baby stuck in a stroller. It is absolutely a spiritual undertaking. Not like god but yes, like god. Tapping into an essence that only comes when you let go—when you are relieved of your life in its everyday trappings and wrappings.

Mainstream society delivers a constant barrage of restrictive, prescriptive, and often conflicting messages. Although ads and movies are filled with images of rough sex, it is still considered deviant behavior. We’re taught confusing lessons like Have, desire, and love one partner forever; Make yourself sexy to your man but don’t be a slut; Desire what everyone else does; Strike out and be an individual—but don’t deviate too far from what is acceptable.

None of these precepts translate well to the bedroom or to creating an arsenal of fantasies. Even the powerful, long sought after achievements of feminist equality that must be intrinsic in a society committed to equality can sometimes wreak havoc in our sex lives. When you first get together with someone, the unknown newness of the other creates an erotic tension that is the cornerstone of sexual desire. Over time the ease, equality, and comfort we strive for in our intimate relationships can be the very undoing to this necessary positive tension. Add roughing up or being roughed up by this person you love and with whom you derive comfort, and it’s easy to feel confused.

Rough sex demands respect and equal voice—even if that’s not how it looks when you’re in it. Fantasizing or craving to be “raped” by your lover does not make you a sick person. You don’t need to be cured of anything. You might need therapy for other reasons, but getting off on someone calling you “a filthy set of holes” doesn’t necessarily signify deep, unresolved psychological issues. On the other hand, being belittled or denied the things you need and want at the hands of your lover is not foreplay—it’s abuse. Being violent with someone who has said no in any form is abuse. Actual rape is an invasion and a crime.

The biggest challenge in the search to discover and name your desire is keeping an open mind. Do not judge yourself or think that what you want is perverted or wrong; silence the voice in your head that tells you you’re alone in your desire, or that your lover (or potential lover) will reject you. Don’t apologize for your desire. And don’t confuse fantasy with reality. As long as your fantasy of seducing the newspaper boy is acted out with another consenting adult, you’re lucky to be in touch with your desire. And no, you’re not messed up.

For the past decade I’ve taught and worked with thousands of people across North America who occupy radically different places in the world: in their experiences, in their proclivities and repulsions, in how they look, who they like to be sexual with, and how they get off. (Long ago, when I learned that one of my then new kinky friends worked as a flight attendant, my world shifted on its axis. Now every time I fly I assume there is a raucous lover serving me my peanuts.) But regardless of class, level of education, gender, and orientation, one question always comes up: How do I figure out what I want?

Start with what you already know you like: being pinned down while being fucked, say, or squeezing your balls to the point of pain when you come. Let your mind wander. In a fantasy, what might come before and after that? Do not edit or censor yourself. Write it down.

Go to your local sex toy store in person or online and peruse book and DVD titles that you find intriguing. Remember, there is an inexhaustible flow of bravado and misrepresentation online and in porn. Get ideas, be turned on or horrified—just don’t think you are supposed to be that bendable, invincible, or stretch that wide! Check out the resource guide at the back of this book to find a plethora of smart, reliable websites and educators filled with intelligent, responsible, sexy ideas and information.

Do any of your friends talk about or allude to being into rough stuff (whatever that means to them)? There are far more “naughty” people out there than you might imagine. When you find chat rooms and like-minded people, don’t only lurk—engage, ask questions, answer queries, challenge, listen. If you are trying to suss this out in tandem with your partner, the process is similar: each of you discovering and revealing what makes you squirm is half the fun. Share links and images (I’m a fan of “I want this” images sent via text or email, or left in the medicine cabinet). Read erotica to each other, or using different-colored ink, take turns underlining passages in a shared book. This idea works because you don’t have to say out loud what might feel too embarrassing at first. Ask your partner to write a list of turn-ons—from the benign to the hard-core. You can compare notes or just certain parts if revealing the whole list might be too scary.

COMMUNICATION AND NEGOTIATION

I love when you, my lover, let me be small—yes, let me—because I know you will respect me and my limits, hold me, without judgment, keep me safe. We think each other the hottest things on two feet (we tell each other so often—and not just in bed). So even when, during sex, you are calling me names, or fucking me so hard, or pushing me to take more, you know it’s exactly what I crave. Thank God we’ve talked about this so often. I love your ferocity and won’t let you hurt me in ways I don’t want to be hurt. Please, take care of everything for a while; know where we are driving. Yes, I will help pay for gas, help you decide the route, but you drive and I will let go.

I’m hungry to keep you safe and hold you strong. Push you to see that you are mighty and tender and can take yourself even further than you ever thought you could. I have told you countless times how I adore you and think you are breathlessly sexy, and you too tell me that I’m crazy hot so we don’t need to do that now. During sex I may call you names or hold you down; we’ve talked about all of this already. I know it makes you weak with need—hell, me too. I can give you sensations that rough up your brain and release endorphins. And you can know that I’m driving. Trust that I know where we are going or at least when we need a rest stop. And though I’m holding the wheel, I don’t for a minute stop glorying at the scenery. And you—you can let go.

It doesn’t matter if you are hooking up for a night or a lifetime, the one non-negotiable element is permission—getting it and respecting it.

If you’re on the receiving end of rough play, remember that you are not a passive vessel. If you want something harder, faster, slower, started or stopped—tell your lover. “Oh god, yes!” counts as feedback. So does “Ow, stop, wait. Damn, that’s big. Let’s try this, baby.” You are not timid or imperfect for speaking up. On the contrary, you are proving yourself to be a trusted lover who is committed to having connected, hot sex. Nothing changes unless you make it change. And though it looks as if the person who is meting out the roughness is in power, that is just the opposite of what’s happening. The one being roughed up is the one who has the final word about what does and doesn’t happen.

If you’re doling out the rough play, you are not a fucking machine, aiming to please only yourself or your lover. Start slowly, building up and discovering your own and your partner’s desire and tolerance for more intensity. If you go from zero to 60 in no time flat, your lover may not be able to keep up, or be interested in it. Someone giving herself to you is a gift; take your time discovering what’s inside. This does not mean that a slow buildup is an “always” rule. Sometimes, you need to throw someone against a wall and take what you want. Pinning his hands to his side, you clamp down on his neck with your mouth and bite—long and hard. Sometimes, while his cock is in you, you reach your arms up and pound his back with your fist as he growls and leans down to kiss you. But you know jumping into it at full speed is right for both of you because together you have experimented, talked, and listened with clarity and respect.

All relationships, whether you’ve been together 10 minutes or 10 years, have radically different histories of experience, trust, and disappointment, but the basics of getting clear, brave, and open are the same. Do you know what it is you want? Have you articulated specific activities to yourself? Have you experienced things with a previous lover that you want with this partner? It’s okay to have only a sense of what you want—just remember that your partner can’t know till you know. Getting what you want in any avenue of life involves risk. You and your sex are worth it. Over a drink, on a walk, or on the subway, say a thing or two that you love about your sex or sensuality together. Say something you want to try. You can also (but you don’t have to) have a lengthy talk or write a list of what you want or don’t want.

Talking can be sexy—sometimes simply introducing the idea unlocks the taboo door. “I love it when I’m going down on you and you hold my head exactly where you want it—not letting me move around a lot.” Or “Remember that scene in the movie where he pushed her against the car, slapped her face, and then kissed her? Oh my God, that was hot.” Bring home erotica or porn with stories or images that turn you on. Share it with your lover on a date. Ask what she thinks about when she masturbates. Tell her what you think about too.

Talk a little, fuck a lot, talk some more. Be ready to use your words during your sex—this is where the other part of the conversation can happen. You pin him down, sitting on his belly, and bite his nipple slow and hard. Pause, ask, “Is this okay? You like it? You feel so good under me.”

It’s important to realize, however, that new lovers can’t rely solely on during-sex talk—ego and fear of rejection or disapproval easily skew communication. Even if you’ve been together a long time, you’re still (or sometimes more) susceptible to the challenges of being clear and accurate about needs and wants during sex. Longtime lovers’ dynamics may be so engrained that in-bed talk proves to be insufficient. Maybe you’ve been together a while and you want your sex to be less predictable and more primal. She’s a great lover, but you feel that something’s missing. Maybe it’s a general attitude shift you ache for. Lots of people want their partners to be more domineering—run the show, make decisions, be more aggressive. Other folks want to turn the tables on what have become established roles. How lovers discuss potentially thorny topics (politics, finances, family, etc.) is generally how they will approach talking about sex; the more skilled the communicators, the better the sex.

The more you know what you want, the easier it is to put it out there. However, if you have a narrow set of ideas that must happen or a specific script that must be followed, you cut your partner out of the decision-making process. Stay open to ideas and changes. Start by talking about what turns you on about your partner’s body, her sex responses, and your sex together. Yes, talking so specifically about sex can feel risky and vulnerable. This becomes further compounded when you articulate your desire for taboo or aggressive sex; it’s intellectually and emotionally confusing to crave this with the same person you hold to be solid and safe.

“Let’s get real—talking does not equal spontaneity.”

Are you someone who believes that rough sex means just going for it? I get it. Going for it is hot. Theoretically. Suppose you serve a beautiful candlelit dinner complete with soufflé to your date only to discover she’s allergic to eggs. You worked hard but you both end up feeling kinda crappy—and hungry. The ambience is still wonderful, but had you (even briefly) talked about what food you eat and love, the feasting might have lasted long into the night. Or you meet at a party, you talk, you flirt, you lean in and say, “I want to slam into you, bring you to your knees, and make you forget there’s a god” and your prey looks at you, smiling, and holds out his hand to you. (a) You’re a lucky dog. (b) You two just communicated a common desire. You talked. And it’s still spontaneous.

Without any kind of preliminary talk, if you just “go for it” you might get your rocks off, but will you please your lover? Will you hurt your lover? How will you know? If both of you don’t care (though determining this is difficult at best), more power to you—really, I support this fully. Hopefully there won’t be any physical or emotional fallout later.

Most people, however, do care how each other feels. But if you ask your date during your passionate sex if he wants and likes what’s going on, you might not get a truthful answer, out of shyness or reluctance to offend. With new lovers especially, once the action gets hot, fair and equal negotiation is harder to come by, especially on the first or second date. (Hell, it’s hard enough with long-term lovers.) Each of you is trying to impress and suss out the other, bringing your best game and sexiest moves; nerves mar perception. The power imbalance exists—and it’s tipped toward the one who’s doing the roughing up. Even willing participants have tough times speaking up if something is going awry; no one wants to be seen as a prude or a wimp. A little talk before you get busy can change all that.

And you know what? Right now you can commit to speaking honestly and simply and not accusatorily about what you want and don’t want. Owning your stuff—figuring out how to communicate—frees us in every aspect of our lives. Do it—you don’t have to live anything but a shiny, bold life.

ROLES, CHANGE, AND CONFIDENCE

Let’s say you want to be submissive but your partner isn’t confident or comfortable in a dominating role. What to do? Is your partner into the idea but doesn’t know where to start? Have you brought it up in the past and it’s fallen flat? You might have a good idea of what your submissive role looks and sounds like—maybe you’ve fantasized about it often enough that you have a specific sexy script or two. This is perfect for masturbation but not always successful for coupling up. Tell your partner you want to explore her being more dominating. Some specifics are needed and then the parlay begins.

Experimentation works far better than expectations. She doesn’t need to run out and buy a big flogger or have you kneeling tonight and calling her Mistress (though she might). Instead, the two of you come up with a list of what the action might look like, including your fantasies. Start simple—she sits on top of you and pins your arms to your sides with her knees, not letting you touch her or her cunt. Keep it playful. Though there is no guarantee your partner will ever be as dominant as you fantasize or will wield sexual power over you in the ways your fantasies map out, there is no guarantee that she won’t either. Stay open—surprise each other.

Perhaps your partner has asked you to take on a role you don’t usually take. First, ask yourself, do you want to take on the role? Or is this solely your partner’s desire? If indeed you want to try a new role or position, keep your mind open as to what it might be. Is it a generic positioning (I want you to dominate me) or is it a specific role (you’re the school principal and I’m the troublemaker student). If your partner, say, wants you to initiate and dominate when you have mostly been the receiver or equal, talk with her—get details and examples. The fact that you’re already talking about it means you’re off to a good, sexy start. The fantasy in your partner’s head can help, but it can also hinder if she is too attached to the specifics and trying to fit you to them. If parts of the description resonate with you, start with one or two actions and weave them into your sex. If a role feels too cookie-cutter or stereotyped and doesn’t ring true for you, neither of you may get much pleasure from it.

Take five minutes on your own and (yep, corny) write down everything you think of when you imagine that role. Don’t edit. You might find laughter or goofiness on that list. Leave a sex toy, panties, or other piece of clothing with instructions for your lover. Email, text, IM, snail mail, write notes, or Skype your provocative invitations. Whatever resonates in you is where you begin your exploration of any new role. Let it grow and morph from there. If and when you get stuck, write as often as it’s useful. And whatever else you uncover, remember that desire and consent are the cornerstones of all rough sex.

ACTIVITIES, IDEAS, AND TECHNIQUES

You’ve talked, you’ve fantasized, you’ve plotted and conspired. Now what? Some activities that meet under the large umbrella that is rough sex include: face slapping, biting, hitting, pushing, pounding penetration, denying touch or orgasm, spitting, punching, spanking, gagging, name calling, and bondage. Folks also like to control-kiss, choke, and push or shove a bottom down on the bed, slam a bottom against a wall, pinch nipples, balls, and labia, grab and squeeze thighs/ ass/upper arms/wrists, pull hair, force a bottom’s face into a pillow, control breathing, talk smut, rip off clothing, and claim “ownership” of someone. Here are some delicious tips, ideas, techniques, and safety precautions you can incorporate into your rough sex play.

Tied spread-eagled to a headboard. Hands holding down arms. Pinned against a crumbling alley wall. Struggling to get free. Bondage and restraints. Our fantasies and sex are filled with all that and more. Luckily, this book has a chapter by Midori on how to do bondage and do it well. Let’s just touch on a just a few elements of restraint.

For all the reasons why rough sex is so prevalent and hot, the taboo desire to be held captive, without control or knowledge of what might happen to you, engages us just as fiercely. To deny someone (or to be denied of) something you really want, when you know you will get it sooner or later, can be sweet torture. Especially when the prize is sex.

Scarves, ties, rope, chain, leather belts, stockings, bedsheets—the materials that can be used to bind a lover are as endless as your imagination. Some are better than others, however. Silk scarves, though sensuous, knot quickly, easily, but are hell to unknot. Cheap handcuffs close further than they should and often get stuck. (Plus, “Oh my God! Where’s the key?” is the last thing you want to hear.) Both of these kinds of restraints can dig into wrists and ankles and cut off circulation; they should be avoided. If you do use scarves or other fabric to bind wrists or ankles, have medical or bandage scissors ready—they have a flat side intended to slide between the bind and the skin without hurting while cutting the bind. If you use handcuffs, pin the key(s) on a nearby bulletin board, curtain, or door frame; don’t leave them on the bedside table.

No matter what you tie your lover to—a bed, table, steering wheel, or tent stakes—make sure you’ve got the means to release your willing prey easily and quickly. This is also a great time for both of you to be ready to use a safeword or gesture in case of fear, pain, or emergency.

But you don’t need “stuff” to keep someone where you want him. The craving to be physically controlled can be managed by placing your knees, hands, feet, and body onto your lover in strategic positions. Avoid joint-to-joint pressure (for instance, your knees on his wrists); aim rather for the more muscular and meatier parts of the body, such as forearms and thighs. Using your legs, knees, and feet to press on him frees up your hands to slap, punch, fuck, stroke, or get busy with a dildo and harness. And don’t limit yourself to the bedroom: there are perfectly good walls, floors, picnic tables, trees, bathroom stalls, and movie seats aching for your play.

And finally, one of the most powerful methods of restraint doesn’t use any physical means at all. It’s your voice. “Keep that pretty mouth open.” “I don’t want to see you looking at me.” “Good boy, you’re sitting exactly where I left you.” When both people are into it, this is intoxicating.

Weave your hand into a fist in the hair underneath the back of the head. Hold and pull by the roots. Grabbing any other part of the hair can cause the hair to rip from the scalp, causing distracting, undesired pain. You can lead your lover where you want her by this technique. If the receiver is on top, this is a great way to tip your willing prey back to fuck deeply. Use caution; don’t jerk the neck or head.

In some cultures, spitting is seen as the deepest of insults. Regardless of where you live, spitting saliva on or at someone is disgusting at worst or humiliating at best. Yes, I said at best. There are lots of people whose kink has them hungry to be objectified, humiliated, and degraded in a sexy context. Desiring this is not a mark of low self-esteem as long as the parties involved don’t let this dynamic leak into nonsex situations. Spitting on or getting spit in the face, on the chest or breasts, or in the mouth are the definition of sexy to more people than you might imagine. Sometimes simply because it is considered so unacceptable, the shock of this unpredictable act can cement a sought-after power dynamic into place.

Some folks use saliva as lube—forget it. It dries up quickly and does nothing for the receiver. It might work to ease some friction for a hand job on a penis or dildo, but that’s about where its usefulness ends. Saliva itself is not known to carry HIV. It is possible, however, to transmit STIs if there is blood in the saliva due to cuts or sores in the mouth.

As with every other sex activity in this book, don’t knock it if you’ve never tried it. You never know…

Blow jobs on a cock or dildo can be filthy hot and can be used in rough sex in endless ways. For example:

• Steer his head by his hair as he sucks your dick. Lift his mouth off you to spit on his face, kiss his pretty mouth, slap his face, tell him how good a job he’s doing, what a worthless whore he is and not worth the money you’ve given him. Let him breathe as you gently stroke his face. Rinse and repeat.

• Pin her head against the wall or floor, or tell her to lie on her back, her head draped over the side of the bed. Fuck her face. Make her masturbate at the same time.

• Bind him to a chair by his hands and feet, legs spread wide. Suck his cock, bringing him almost to climax but not quite. Let him squirm against the butt plug.

• Put a butt plug in your ass and another one in his and because you both love to share, suck each other off simultaneously.

Deep Throat

Sometimes considered the holy grail by both the giver (the sucker) and receiver (the suckee), taking someone’s cock fully in your mouth down to the balls is definitely hot, both physically and visually. It’s also not always physiologically possible. The length, shape, and thickness of the cock or dildo and how wide the jaw can open are important considerations. To avoid gagging, drop the back of your palate as if your throat was yawning. Can’t or don’t want to take that big thing in your mouth? Wrap one hand around the base of the shaft and push your mouth down only far enough to meet your hand. This is a great visual, it jerks him off at the same time, and the giver only takes what she can in her throat. Winners, all.

Some people like to gag; they really get off on the gagging sounds, seeing the tears from the giver’s eyes as the air is choked out of him, and the long threads of spit and mucus that trail from the head of a cock when a gagger’s mouth is pulled back and off the cock. One fetish includes making the giver vomit as well.

I love kissing and biting. Gently, sweetly, firmly, menacingly. I love to bite the tongue, the lips—both inside and outside. I love to run my open mouth against the sides and top of my lover’s head—teeth pressing firm and solid. I love to bite the cheeks and neck, back, calves, feet—anything, everything—forcing my lover to wonder, shuddering, what I might do next. I love to find a wide part of flesh, and slowly close my lips and mouth and press my teeth deep, not hard enough to break skin—but just enough to leave my mark.

You’d think our mouths only had tongues, lips, and gums when it comes to sex. Let’s change that.

Teeth are toys you carry with you all the time. Nipping, nibbling, teeth dragging, and lots of variations of biting can be part of your sex vocabulary. Hold off on the slurping, lip smacking, or steady chewing—trust me, not so sexy. As with all other techniques I’ve discussed, start gently. The more you warm up someone’s flesh, the longer and perhaps deeper they will be able to go. The longer you maintain the bite, the more pain is registered. The smaller the area of skin that is pressed between the teeth, the more painful it is. Givers, be random yet conscious of what, where, and how you bite. Receivers: Ask your lover to bite you. Pay attention to how much you can receive and where it feels best, and don’t be bashful about telling your partner when something feels wonderful or horrid.

Biting can mark or break the skin, leaving teeth marks and bruises. Unless you and your partner are fluid-bonded—you are aware of each other’s HIV and STI test results and agree to exchange bodily fluids—don’t draw blood. This isn’t about vampirism (though that’s a sexy fetish, for sure). Any STI that can be transmitted through blood can be transferred through biting. Even kissing carries risks of infection, including hepatitis A, hepatitis B, and herpes.

It’s pretty common for biting and sucking to go together, aka biting with hickeys. Check in about marks before or during your sex tumble; a few simple words (“Are marks okay?”) usually will do the trick. But remember, once the adrenalin and endorphins kick in, it’s easy to get “sex-stupid” and say yes to everything. Have the “marks” chat before or early in the game. If you don’t know that marks are okay, avoid leaving them. And, right, there are no guarantees. Just make sure either that your partner doesn’t have that family beach reunion tomorrow or that he wants to wear the memory of your chompers with pride.

Full-mouth biting is sensuous personified. Very light can tickle, very heavy can be excruciating. Find meaty or soft spots like arms, breasts, pecs, the back of the neck, and the ass. Use extra awareness and caution with the side of the neck (those tendons can hurt in that bad way), taut muscles, bone, the genitals, the inner thighs, and the face.

Finally, biting doesn’t have to hurt but it can—a lot. Each of us has a different pain threshold. Watch your partner, and if it is your wont, play on the edge of what she can take. If she says stop, you stop. Use a safeword. Here are some ideas:

• Drag your teeth across the shoulder, thigh, belly, back, breast, top of head (hair and all), butt. Vary the speed and depth of the drag.

• Bite slowly and repeatedly in the same place, building tension and depth.

• Open your mouth wide and press it against the meaty flesh of your choice (back, belly, ass). Slowly sink your teeth in. Close your mouth slowly and steadily, pressing, gripping, and holding. You can let off the pressure, but don’t release the bite. You can also gently shake your head, as a lion shakes its kill. Your partner will swoon, ache, throb, squirm. Your goal isn’t necessarily to inflict pain but to cause such out-of-the-ordinary, exquisite sensations that his head begins to pop off.

• Some people love biting genitals or having theirs bitten; others might haul off and smack you one or call you a cab, so go lightly at first. The labia, balls, and shaft of the penis are very sensitive; even more sensitive are the clitoris and the head of the penis. Use your front teeth and gently press on any of these tender bits of flesh, not fully closing. Then close and release. Or while holding this tender flesh between your teeth, run or flick your tongue against your lucky victim.

There are many things we get to do with our hands when getting rough during sex: penetrate, pinch, slap, punch, flick, stroke, scratch, rub, smack, knead, press, and so on. Like your teeth, your hands are always with you and can be two of the most versatile sex toys (along with that other gorgeous one throbbing in your skull). You can use your fingers and hands for vaginal and anal penetration, fisting, hand jobs, and more. These are just a few ways to include your fingers and hands in sex. Using latex or nonlatex gloves and lube are sure ways to make any kind of penetration less susceptible to infection and disease transmission, and will do wonders to give a smooth ride to the receiver.

Set the stage by talking about your intentions before you get busy. Check in verbally with simple words, without cockiness or worry: “I want to fuck you hard with my hand, okay? It’s so okay to say no, my precious slut.” Once you get the go-ahead, don’t stop paying attention to your lover, but now, take what you want. Watch and listen to your lover’s reactions.

For vaginal penetration, start slowly, watching and listening to your lover. (Use lube as needed.) Keep checking in periodically. Once her body is as full or almost as full as is comfortable, move your fingers in and out, building speed and intensity. Go slowly, just don’t let go of the intensity—the feeling of doggedness and hunger on your part can be a huge turn-on for your partner. You can fuck long, deep, and hard or short, fast, and hard—combine these in various ways. Curl your fingers toward the navel and stimulate the G-spot. With one hand penetrating the vagina, the other hand is free to cause other delicious trouble—choking, slapping, squeezing breasts and nipples. Throw in some mouth action too: sucking or biting her belly, breasts, and cunt. Slowly increase the intensity and speed of your thrusts. (Thrusting intensity and speed are separate things.) Remember, if you’re fucking a vagina, pounding the cervix (located at the back of the vagina) can be a painful experience. Be ready to shift positions if your partner tells you it hurts.

When fucking your partner’s ass with your hand—even if you’re “raping” them—you must use lube. Spit does not count—end of story. The ass cannot make its own lubrication, and if not treated properly the thin skin of the rectum can tear easily, making both receiver and giver susceptible to bacteria and STIs. Plus, no lube equals bad pain. Start slowly with one or two fingers or a small toy with a condom on it, and build larger as his body allows. Once his body is as full or almost as full as is comfortable, move your fingers in and out, building speed and intensity. Tell him that you own that hole. You can fuck long, deep, and hard or short, fast, and hard. The common element is hard—this is rough sex, after all. Curl your fingers toward the navel and stimulate the G-spot or the P-spot (prostate).

And receivers of anal sex? You think just because you like rough sex your ass is supposed to hurt and feel ripped open? No—really no. Don’t use poppers or numbing creams—if it hurts, tell your partner to slow down or stop. Bad pain sucks. It also makes you “ass shy” for future anal romps. Remember, rough sex means more communication and negotiation—not less. Tell him his junk is too damned big—and he should take it up his own damned ass if he thinks it’s so damned easy.

Putting your fingers in someone’s mouth can be unspeakably sexy. It’s also a great way to objectify someone and make them feel deliciously used by you for your sexual gratification. Bend two or three fingers into her mouth, press your thumb onto her chin or under her jaw, and grab hold. Move her head to the position you want it—a better angle to kiss you, to put your nipple, cock, or cunt in her mouth, to slap her face, etc. Have him suck your fingers as if they were your cock. Instruct him to open his mouth and keep it open. Insert two, three, four, or even five fingers into the waiting mouth and “fuck” his face with your hand. Try this in a variety of positions. While penetrating her from behind with dildo and harness or penis, pull her hair by the roots to arch her back, bringing her head toward you. Insert your hand and fuck her face this way. Be sure you judge how deep you want your fingers to go—the head tipped back makes for a more narrow space in her throat; if gagging is not your and her thing, be careful to not push too hard or deep.

Let’s talk about slapping, face slapping, and punching. It’s important to know where it’s safe to hit someone’s body. (Have I mentioned consent recently? Here is your reminder that you need consent in order for any of this not to be abusive. Explicit, noncoerced consent.) Check out Illustration 9.1: Where to strike. All the places marked 1 and 2 are perfect for slapping. Places marked 3 should not be hit.

There are three basic kinds of slaps: cupped hand, open/flat hand, and fingertips only.

Cupped-Hand Slap

Your hand is extended, fingers together, slightly bent. When the hand connects with the skin, it makes a hollow sound. This is the least stingy of the three types of slaps; it’s a great one for beginners, for warm-up, and for anywhere on the body (including genitals).

Open/Flat-Hand Slap

The hand is positioned just as the name suggests. Use this slap everywhere that’s safe to strike, with varying amounts of intensity and depth. You don’t have to haul off and slap somebody silly simply because you want to play rough. Repetitive, gentle slapping—especially on sensitive areas—can feel remarkable. Light slaps feel sharp and stingy, while heavy ones will leave a tingling, burning sensation for some time after the hand is removed. This slap is great for butt, face, belly, chest, and thighs, and lightly on genitals.

Fingertip Slap

Ow! This is a mean one. Imagine swatting away the hand reaching for your last cookie, using your fingertips to connect with the offending hand or arm and then pulling off quickly. That’s this one. Can be used with care anywhere on your lover’s body to make it sting.

Face Slapping

Perhaps you want to slap someone’s face. Or have yours slapped. You’re in great company. Face slapping can change the direction and intensity of a scene like nothing else, allowing the one who is slapping to feel turned on and powerful over his lover, and the one receiving the slap to feel intense intimacy, “put in his place,” made to feel small, loved, humiliated, turned on, quiet, woken up—a million amazing things. Face slapping can also bring up immediate, unexpected emotional responses like rage, tears, or panic.

Unlike what we see in the movies, face slapping can really hurt; it can be disorienting and humiliating. If someone’s past includes physical, verbal, or sexual abuse, whether in childhood or adulthood, face slapping may send them into a tailspin, making everyone feel pretty bad. Be sure to mention face slapping specifically when you and your partner discuss what works and doesn’t work for you. Even if you are already getting busy, check in first before you slap someone’s face. Holding his head, show him your hand and ask, “Yes?” Wait for a response before you continue. This goes for people who have been lovers for a while too—today might have been a tough day for her, and face slapping will be too much to deal with. If your partner has TMJ (a chronic inflammation of the jaw) or other jaw issues, don’t do this. Avoid the cheek and jawbones, eyes, and ears. You might want to take off those glasses too.

When you have your partner’s consent, support the right side of her head with your left hand (opposite for lefties). Spread your fingers apart so that the ear is not pressed between your fingers and her head. Supporting the head like this prevents the head and neck from being jerked suddenly and damaging to the neck. It’s also a great way to get eye contact with your lover: a perfect moment for the giver to “own” the moment, keeping calm and attitudinally tall. Watch as that energy transfers through your hands and eyes to your partner and back again—it’s electrifying and sexy, and it can be hugely moving. With your right hand, place your fingers (not palm) on the fleshy part of her cheek. Don’t include her jaw, eye, or ear. When you’re learning this technique it’s easy to miss the target, so do a slow trial run. Pull your hand back and place it on her cheek. Start slowly and lightly. After you deliver a slap or two, check in. Ask, “On a scale of one to ten, how hard was that?” This is a great way to discover what she wants as well as to gauge your strength. (It’s a common complaint, especially of people who study martial arts, work out, or do a lot of manual labor, that it’s difficult to know what too hard looks like.) This gets you two talking, as well.

There is something explicitly erotic to me about being punched, the flesh-on-flesh of it sends my mind into a place like nothing else does.

Punching is an aspect of rough sex that at first glance might freak you out, but punching during fucking is sexy, fun, and mighty, and something that tons of people are into. Gender, muscle power, and size are irrelevant—the playing field can be leveled by desire. It’s certainly not just the domain of athletes or men: countless nonjock women—queer and straight, tough and tender—adore punching and getting punched as part of their sex. It builds and releases a deep, primal energy exchange between giver and receiver. It’s incredibly intimate, especially face to face. It’s verboten. It’s fun and fierce. You get to feel “taller” in yourself and in the world. Both givers and receivers can push themselves like marathon runners, getting off on the release of their pent-up junk and feeling happy, whole, and high from the release of endorphins. They get to tap into their fierce animal selves, otherwise held captive by the daily confines of rules, assumptions, fears.

However, family and society teach that hitting between lovers is abuse; if you like to hit or be hit, you are mentally and emotionally unstable; boys are never supposed to hit girls; girls wouldn’t want to hit boys; two girls hitting each other is funny—it’s a catfight (or bad porn); two boys hitting each other is normal and has nothing to do with sex; trans people don’t exist, so they don’t even make it into the equation. Forget all of it. Really. Useless crap. The one thing to learn and remember: When there is explicit consent, the doors to boundless possibilities in sex swing wide open.

How to Punch

This isn’t a street brawl or Gold’s Gym; there is no boxing ring and there are no adversaries—you’re both on the same team, with a common goal: joining together to make your sex unspeakably hot and raucous. Know your own strength—you’re going for controlled sensation not a knockout. Build up slowly, see what turns on your partner. As I advised above, don’t slap or punch when you’re angry; this is not a substitute for resolving conflicts with love and respect.

Givers: Make a fist, thumb in front, outside. Use the flat part of your fingers or the side or back of your fist (or you can slightly lift your middle knuckle and make that the first point of contact), keeping the wrist firm but not locked. Do not use your full strength—especially when starting out. Stay aware of your body and your strength, and of how to place a punch as opposed to throwing one without care for where it lands. Remember too that what the receiver may want and what feels good to her today may be undesirable tomorrow, depending on her mood and physical health, including her menstrual cycle. Vary the depth and speed of punches; light, repetitive punches can build anticipation and allow the receiver to find the head space to go deeper and receive more.

Receivers: Don’t clench up when receiving a punch. Breathe. If being punched on a certain part of your body doesn’t turn you on, try another meaty muscled spot. Or say no, thank you. Don’t give in to fear, or allow yourself to discover what might feel exquisite. Asking your partner to lighten up or shift position slightly is a sign of an engaged and passionate partner. Good for you.

You can punch anywhere on the body you can spank or slap. Areas good for punching: back (the meaty back/shoulder muscles), upper and inner thighs (inner is more sensitive), chest/pecs, side/upper arms, and ass. Areas you shouldn’t punch: joints, spine, kidneys, bony protrusions, throat, neck, sternum, feet, hands, ears, and eyes. There are a multitude of opinions regarding whether or not it is safe to punch breasts. It has been said that punching breasts can cause cysts to develop or damage already existing cysts. The generally accepted guidelines are to punch the pectoral muscles, not the breasts or the sternum.

Bruising

Not all punching leads to bruising—not even close. But since everyone bruises differently, I’m including a few simple steps to take in case you bruise after an especially hot encounter. Some medications can cause people to bruise more easily, including blood thinners, antihistamines, and aspirin. Tylenol and Advil do not increase susceptibility to bruising. If you are concerned about visible bruises, apply ice to reduce possible swelling; after 24 to 48 hours you may switch to warm compresses. A cold shower may reduce bruising; a hot one can reactivate it later. (Some people get off on their sex bruises as memories of love or heat.) Bruising often takes hours or even days to appear.

It’s common for the appearance of bruises to travel. Your breast may turn all sorts of rainbow colors but you are sure that only your pecs were punched. Generally this is not a problem and the bruises will fade. Using the herb arnica—available at most drugstores in a cream or gel or as an edible herb in pill form at health food stores—can help reduce the occurrence or persistence of bruising. You can take it before or after you play. If heavy impact is a big part of your scene, you might feel the next day as though you were hit by a Mack truck, or exhibit flu symptoms. Drink lots of water and keep an eye on the swelling.

He opened the door, shoved his way in, and pinned me by my throat against the smooth wall of the hallway. He kissed me so hard I thought he would bruise my mouth. I don’t even know what happened, but he made his mouth a seal that enveloped mine and then he held my nose closed with his other hand. That fear that makes me so crazy slipped over me and I could feel myself weaken in his grip. He decided when it was time for me to breathe—to take air; he let the seal between our lips loosen for only a moment and then owned my breath all over again. God, I loved it.

Controlling someone’s breath with your hand or mouth (breath play) is very intimate and can be dangerous and scary as well. One way to do it is described above. Here are a few variations:

• Kiss your partner, making a seal over both mouth and nose. Breathe rhythmically. Soon you are each breathing the other’s inhalations and exhalations.

• Place one hand over your partner’s mouth and pinch her nostrils closed.

• Bite and suck with your mouth, play with his nipples and breasts with your free hand. Release the nostrils when it’s time for him to breathe.

Breath play is quite prevalent in porn, and many people equate choking or strangulation with rough sex. But I’m going to tell you right now, there is no way to choke someone without huge risk of injury or possible death. There is abundant documentation of heart attacks, brain damage, seizures, and crushed larynxes—all these effects and more have been clearly linked to choking, strangulation, and other forms of controlling your own or another’s breathing.

But since telling kids that abstinence is the best birth control hasn’t done squat to reduce teenage pregnancy, let me tell you how to choke someone in a safer way. Notice that I don’t say “safe”? There is no way to guarantee safety, folks—none.

Many people find choking during oral sex, intercourse, or kissing a huge turn-on. It heightens sensations, causes head rushes, and enhances the feeling of taking and being taken. One way to create the now-I’m-forced-and-helpless feeling of choking without choking is to wrap your hand around your partner’s throat without any pressure while you’re fucking. Although your hand may cover the larynx, do not press against it—it’s far too fragile and can be crushed by too much pressure. Once again, as in spanking and face slapping, being ever aware of the placement, strength, and pressure of your hands is vital. Place your thumb and forefinger on either side of the throat under the jaw, back toward the ears. Press into the throat and up toward the ears and squeeze your fingers against the carotid arteries, reducing blood flow to the brain.

Pressing (not slamming) your partner’s head into a pillow or against the wall gives you more leverage—but might make him pass out. Everyone’s body has a shutoff valve to protect itself, but because each person’s threshold is different, there is no way to know when someone might pass out. Passing out is enormously dangerous: there’s no way to recover those brain cells that were killed, and he could have a heart attack or a stroke. If you see his eyes rolling back in his head, stop. Learn everything you can about breath play before you try it on anyone. I recommend you attend a class at a BDSM event taught by a reputable teacher.

BRUTAL AFFECTION AFTERCARE

When you play rough, your body can get marked up. You can have surface or deep bruising, redness of the skin, scrapes, and even internal bruising (cervix, pelvic bone, inside of mouth). Always check in with your partner before doing something that might leave a mark. And remember that everyone’s skin is different—some people bruise, mark, and scar more easily than others. I remember, the first time I played rough with a lover, I was careful about how I slapped her face, but bam! She got a black eye. I felt pretty rotten, but my lover thought it looked tough. Lucky for me, tough was good. Another time, I thought I kneed my partner with careful force between his butt cheeks as he stood, but I was wrong. He had to go to several extra chiropractic visits for a bruised coccyx (tailbone). Experience and consent were present in both situations, and, well, shit happens.

The emotional risks of this kind of sex play are even more unpredictable. Depending on one’s history of abuse or trauma, sex in general can bring up big emotions—often taking us by surprise. Many people report weeping at or immediately following orgasm. This doesn’t mean something horrible happened—just a huge swell of emotions that came unplugged with the release of tension and chemicals in the muscles and brain. Bring in power play, primal responses, physical roughness—regardless of consent being clearly given—and the stakes get higher, the possible responses bigger. Trusting your partner is key. If you know you might respond negatively to a particular activity, warn your partner away from doing it, or tell her what might happen and what she should do in response. One more great reason to have a safeword or gesture.

Even after many years of understanding and coming to terms with my childhood abuse, I still have unexpected responses during sex; sometimes I get scared and lose track of where I am or who I’m with. Moreover, because my abuse started preverbally, I sometimes lose the ability to speak my needs in these moments. Being aware of this and telling my lovers about it when we’re talking about our desires and needs allows us to establish supportive strategies if something comes up. Taking care of myself sets another brick into the foundation of trust and safety we build. Couple that with articulated desire and consent? Stand back for Richter-scale sex.

YOU’RE A GREAT LOVER. NOW GET BETTER.

Sex is about the journey, not the arrival. It’s a verb, not a noun. It requires bravery and compassion for yourself and your lover. Remember that laughing can save a far too serious scene or sex that’s threatening to become boring. If something is funny—you can’t walk with those new 10-inch stilettos you just got, or the phone rings in the middle of the deserted-island fantasy you both created—laugh. Just make sure you’re laughing with your partner, please.

And don’t forget to breathe! Fear, pain, anger, frustration—these are just a few reasons why we forget to breathe. Yes, forget. When we are so focused on taking the sexy hard stuff being doled out to us, it’s easy to hold our breath. Givers, if you notice your lover holding his breath, remind him to breathe. If you are playing with power, you can say, “Give me your breath.” Perhaps it’s corny, but it works. Breathing allows much deeper sensuality, connection, and experience. And you givers, if you’re not breathing, you’re not in your body enough to keep you and your lover safe and turned on.

Rough sex is far more than simply banging away on someone. Rough sex is taking and being taken. Ravaging and being ravaged. Pushing and being pushed. Letting go and letting go. Rough sex is an attitude. It’s a journey. And it’s truly astounding. Talk. Fuck. Play. Risk. Love. Laugh. Respect.

Go get ’em, tiger. And don’t forget the lube.

Anal fisting (or handballing) is one of the most extreme sexual acts that one person can allow another to do to his or her body. In fact, some so-called experts still deny that it’s even physically possible. Ha! What do they know? I have been there and done that with more people than you’ve probably had sex with in your whole life. And so have happy hosts of other sexual gourmets. So I’m here to tell you it can be done (and how). Putting your whole hand up somebody else’s butt is an exhilarating experience. When you can feel those hot, greasy membranes close around your wrist and forearm, and your partner’s heartbeat feels as if it is literally in the palm of your hand, there is nothing more intimate. You are sharing an erotic space that has the potential to become a temple both sacred and profane. Few other things can equal the rush. Unless, of course, you’re the one who is getting handballed. Oh, yeah, I almost forgot that part.

But anal fisting is also one of the most potentially dangerous things a bottom can ask a top to do. There is no room here for getting it almost right. You need to be able to demand perfection of yourself and your partner. Ironically and paradoxically, before you can pig out, you have to have acquired a sort of exotic discipline that never lets up. Nine-tenths of fisting has nothing to do with the act itself, but with the preparation. Something that may look depraved and even brutal is actually as formal as any high holy day ritual. Are you washed in the blood of the lamb? Try some Crisco instead. Because we don’t want any blood here, or even any pain.

Handballing is, on one level, just another form of fucking. Penetration given and received is about as vanilla as it gets. This is why some who fly the red hanky feel that their fetish has little or nothing to do with BDSM. Being around people who are getting noisily spanked and whipped and are screaming to the rhythm of the cane can be too distracting for some degenerates who enjoy heavy anal play. They prefer to keep these activities away from leathersex. If they are going to play in a group, it will be a group of other handballers, with the appropriate background music: a lot of bass, and the moans and groans of others whose asses are being judiciously tormented.

In fact, the notorious San Francisco fisting club The Catacombs was founded by Steve McEachern in part because his brothers in the Fist Fuckers of America (FFA) objected to his love of bondage, flagellation, and other kinkiness. If pain turns you on, a pair of nipple clamps or a slap or 12 on the butt might be the foreplay you need to open up and take it good. In my opinion, that’s more about how the individual is wired than any kind of moral claim that one sort of sex might have to being better than another.

But making a distinction is still useful because of what is required to do fisting safely. In some ways, I would rather do handballing with an individual who is not a masochist, because they are more likely to understand that I don’t want them putting up with any anal or rectal pain. I’m sadistic as hell, but this is one sex act that I want to take place with as little discomfort as possible. Outright pain is a sign that something is going very wrong! Things never ought to get to that point. But a compliant bottom who is grooving on getting hurt can keep his or her mouth shut until injury may occur. Which is my worst nightmare.

Anal fisting is near the end of the line in a long series of warm-up acts of sodomy. The first time somebody rubs a little spit on the outside of your asshole and you feel yourself shiver, who knows if that’s where you are headed? Because there’s no wrong or right place to go with a love of anal sex; rimming is no more or less wonderful than sitting on a dildo that’s 12 inches around. The point with all forms of sex is to make each other feel good. If all you like is vanilla, there’s no point to engaging in other acts just to make yourself look cool. Within the realm of what we sometimes dismiss as vanilla is enough wisdom and sensuality to confound the angels. There’s good information about anal sex technique in books devoted to the subject, so I will just add a couple of my personal parameters. The first and most important is, you will enjoy anal sex a lot more if you can make a contract with your butt that you will never allow it to be hurt. You don’t have to get fucked in a hurry to prove that you are worthwhile or fun. Slow the fuck down and relish what you are doing.

The same dictum goes for tops. Knowing how to handball is based on a bunch of Assplay 101 seminars. You need to have sensitive hands that can tell when that little muscle is aching to be opened up, and when it’s just aching. The strong muscles in your forearm are meant to keep the ride going for a long time—not to bully your way past some imaginary doorkeeper. I like to tell the bottom that what we are doing is teasing their asshole and making it so hungry that it’s going to start sucking things up, opening up and drawing what it craves into itself. I am just going to hold still and let him or her show me how much they need. (Of course this is a lie; I can’t really hold still for very long. Even if I got my ADHD meds.) But there are many motions that arouse the anus other than simple thrusting. Stroking, vibrating, and tickling, plus smoothing out the big muscles around the opening—these are all helpful to aid relaxation, dilation, arousal, and release.

PREPARATION

Preparation for a fisting scene begins about 48 hours before the date. This is because most fisters want the rectum and colon to be cleaned out before play begins. Going on a diet of soft foods or liquids that pass quickly through your body is step one. Six to eight hours before the date itself, you can start with a series of enemas that will keep your bowel free from obstruction. Use tepid water. Water that is too cold will cause cramping, and you don’t want water that is too hot, for obvious reasons. Many fisters get tired of filling up and emptying those bags you buy at the drugstore, and have a hose installed on their shower. A nozzle should ideally be used by one person only. If it has to be shared, soak it in a 10% bleach solution, but be aware that this may not kill hepatitis B or C. Using the hoses at a club is a recipe for getting a sexually transmitted infection (STI), so don’t do it. If you are a visitor from out of town, resign yourself to buying an enema bag at a local pharmacy and using it repeatedly.

How long does it take to clean out? This varies so much from one individual to another that I don’t know how to answer this question. Your diet as well as your anatomy and the level of control you have over it are important factors. Some are lucky enough to be able to take water in and eliminate it smoothly. Others needs to wait around, read the newspaper, take a walk, etc., before the water will drop. Getting rid of all the water is as important as getting rid of all the poo. It’s considered extremely rude to hit your top in the face with a wave of unclean aqua. Give yourself enough time to feel really prepared. Rushing it will just make douching, as it’s known, feel uncomfortable. Creating a lot of cramping with hasty enemas may make it harder for your butt to relax during handballing.

Douching is necessary for three reasons. One: Most of the people who like ass play do not, oddly enough, like shit. Two: Even a partially full bowel can cause contractions that make penetration painful. Three: Feces with a gritty texture should not be ground against the delicate lining of your rectum and lower bowel. People who enjoy scat have their own sets of techniques, mores, and safety precautions that are beyond the scope of this article.

The top also ought to spend a similar amount of time in preparation. Do some yoga, meditate, journal, do what you need to do to put yourself in a good frame of mind, with lots of energy. Don’t show up with a cold or a rotten attitude. You will be using your body just as much as your partner uses theirs, so pay attention to your own well-being. Eat some protein before you play so you don’t get a big crash in your blood sugar. Groom your hands. Remove every sharp cuticle and trace of fingernail. Do this even if you are going to be wearing gloves! The lining of the rectum is not very thick; puncturing it can have dire consequences in terms of infection and bleeding. So if the tip of your glove breaks, for any reason, make sure that there is nothing abrasive on your fingertip that can cause harm. This also alters your hands and turns them into sexual symbols with the potency of genitals.

Once you and your partner are together, do whatever the two of you enjoy to get turned on. There’s no rule that says you have to throw yourself into a sling in the first five minutes. Tops who like to get off may choose to have the bottom make them come before play, to take some of the edge off their nerves. Some bottoms find that an orgasm helps them to relax. For others, coming just makes them lose interest in any more sex.

The topic of drugs and alcohol inevitably comes up during a discussion of preparing for the main act. If you’ve read any leather community history, you will know that drugs used to be a very big part of the gay men’s fisting scene. In fact, doing fisting without them was practically unheard of. MDA was a popular relaxant then, but people also drank alcohol, popped Quaaludes, did crystal meth, dropped acid, snorted coke, swallowed a variety of prescription sedatives and muscle relaxers, and came up with other unique and sometimes scary combinations. And, of course, the brown bottles of amyl nitrate (or after that became illegal, butyl nitrate) were ubiquitous.

I’ve been clean and sober for nearly 20 years, but I can’t lie to you: being intoxicated did help people relax, shed their inhibitions, and dilate their orifices. But the high level of drug use also led to addiction (which I define as repeatedly trying to get high when it stopped being fun a long time ago), overdoses, unwise selection of partners, imprecise communication, blunted pain, overuse of the back door, and a lot of depressed and sore mornings after spent with one ice bag on the forehead and another between the buttocks.

If you are a pervert and an addict in recovery, you have no choice but to learn how to enjoy your wicked ways without the use of mind-altering substances. This probably deserves its own chapter or even a book. But if you are not an addict, I see nothing wrong with one drink (and I do mean one). There are many people who would disagree with me. The politically correct injunction is not to drink or use any drugs when you play. This may be an ideal, but it’s not the way many people actually have sex. I think we are doing poor sex education if we don’t look at how erotic behavior actually takes place, and offer people interventions that are reasonable. If you don’t know your own body well enough to understand what kind of psychotropic substances you can ingest without harm, you are an arrogant novice or willfully ignorant, and nothing I can say will help you. Unfortunately, I still see a lot of us engaging in self-harm, perhaps because we feel guilty about our deviant sex lives, or we’ve got a lot of baggage from fucked-up families of origin, or perhaps our friends are giving us stupid advice and pressuring us to do as they do. I want all of us to have scads of fun and love in our lives with as little damage as possible. Be careful of your precious self. If you need to get injured, emotionally obliterated, or killed to fulfill a wrongheaded, romantic idea of your own doomed specialness, it’s not as if you won’t be able to find a bunch of villains who will oblige you. Dammit.

Assuming you are a sensible person who has managed to line up an opportunity to misbehave, you can maximize your chances of a good experience by paying some attention to the environment where you meet. Some of us like to get our freak on at group sex events. If you’ve got access to that luxury, well and good. Hopefully the space will be clean and unlikely to draw the wrath of the vice squad by doing stupid things like admitting minors. A good sound system and the above-mentioned music help a lot as well. If you are playing in private, setting the mood doesn’t have to mean constructing your own dungeon in a spare bedroom. Just clean up the room you are going to use, get rid of the dog bed and pictures of Grandma, and create a play surface. One solution is to cover the bed with a plastic sheet and then put something with a nicer texture on top of it. Some folks have invested in portable stands and slings. Other accessories include a couple of stacks of trick towels, some squeeze bottles of water, a large supply of lube, and any toys you might want to include in your Voyage to the Center of the Earth. Useful toys include vibrators, ass plugs and dildos, tit clamps, bondage restraints, genital whips, or cock rings. Don’t forget condoms (to keep the toys clean) and gloves.

One of the most important items on this list is the lubricant. The classic of the 1970s and 1980s was, of course, Crisco. You knew you were with a cheap date if he showed up with generic vegetable shortening. When the AIDS epidemic got under way, the use of water-based lubricant became important for other types of sex, because oil can weaken the latex in condoms. Some fisters will swear that water-based lube is not thick enough and doesn’t last long enough to make for a friction-free ride. I’ve seen recipes for mixing water-based lube with shortening, which allegedly gives you a product you can wash out of the sheets. (Don’t count on it.) With experimentation, you will come up with your own answer. But I’d like to point out that you can use the thicker, longer-lasting grease if you are not going to need safer-sex protection later on. If you aren’t going to be using condoms to contain sperms-and-germs, and if you are using nonlatex gloves, oil-based lube won’t be dangerous. Keep in mind that the grease is going to linger in your tail for a few days, so think about what your sex life is going to include after the current date.

Remember that lubricant can be a source of disease transmission. If you have a big container of it, put some in smaller containers that can be discarded after play is done. Some people use paper cups; squeeze bottles or pumps are also handy. Just make sure that any lube you’ve touched is never used with another partner. Even if you are both healthy, the bacteria and other microorganisms from the colon could make somebody else sick.

Keep the room nice and warm. Cold makes muscles tense up, and your asshole is a muscle. For most of us, decent music is also very erotic and helpful during tough bits of the play. It can lift the mood and strengthen the bond between players during nonverbal moments. Keep up with what’s current in the clubs and make your own tapes or buy good ones. Think of it as lubricant for your ears.

What is the best way to position your bodies? Slings became popular because they created a weightless sensation, and the top could move one back and forth, like the rocking of a cradle. But many people don’t like them. It can be hard to make a good pillow for a sling, and who can ignore a crick in the neck, no matter how loud their prostate is humming? Some bottoms do better if they can get up on their hands and knees. I think it’s good to keep the option of changing positions, since moving the whole body will also affect the target orifice.

JOURNEY TO BLISS

When you are facing the bottom, with the bottom on their back, you probably want to make the initial approach with your left hand: the rectum naturally bends the same way your wrist will bend. Apply some lube to the outer opening and massage it in. Use fingers or toys to gradually expand the opening. You actually want to get lubricant inside the rectum. That’s tricky until the asshole begins to gape a bit, and you can shove some in on your fingertips. You can hook one finger around the lip of the anal orifice, stretch it a bit, and use your other hand to tuck a gob of lube past the ring of muscle. If you are already inside and it feels like you need more lube, carefully remove your hand, fill up your palm, and go back in. Then squeeze your hand to release the lube.

Should you talk to the bottom or let them go off on their own mental trip? I prefer partners who stay connected to me while we play. I need to check in with them about what feels good and what does not, how fast or deep I should go—so I want that channel to stay open. I recommend not letting the two of you get too far apart. If you can maintain communication nonverbally, through body movement and eye contact, that’s fine—but it’s also not too common. It’s okay for the top to ask, “Are you groaning because you want more, or are you having trouble?” Reassure the bottom that it is okay to ask for a break, more lube, less lube, tit work, genital stimulation, etc. Also let them know that the play is not goal-oriented. If you don’t get your whole hand inside them, that’s okay. (And they won’t believe you unless that’s true, so curb your enthusiasm.)

Talking can be a way to take control of the bottom’s internal experience. By tweaking his or her emotions, you can also make their body give sway. Fisting can have dozens of different meanings in the context of the relationship between top and bottom. It is the top’s job to identify, name, and sell that meaning. “You’re doing this because you belong to me. It’s the ultimate way of giving me ownership over your body.” “I want to get you higher than you’ve ever been before. You know that nobody can make you feel the way that I can make you feel.” “You’re a dirty little piggy. You can never get enough. Now everybody is going to know what an utter whore you are. See how much you need this?” “I’m touching you because I love you. Every time I push into your body, I’m pushing my love into you. And when you respond and give me what I want, I know that you love me too, because that energy hits me right in the heart. Feel that? Feel how much I love you?”

Remember that there are two bodies present. You can take a break and get sucked off, sixty-nine, do some bondage and flagellation, put on a hood or blindfold, trade back rubs, masturbate, or do anything else you both enjoy. I do not recommend doing play piercing or any other play that breaks the skin during fisting. Sweat and lubricant will be flying everywhere, carrying little travelers, and you don’t want butt germs to enter the bloodstream.

As the butthole opens up, the top will feel some tension around the largest part of the hand. It takes experience to know when you should ignore it and go forward or wait for more dilation. The bottom’s opinion ought to prevail. Use your fingertips to stroke the tissue inside the opening. Keep your hand pointed, folded up as small as possible, with the thumb tucked into the palm. You may approach this point of tension, back off, then work up to it again several times before you slide inside. Use your breaks to drink some water and make out. (Please don’t tell me you are going to turn someone into your sock puppet but you won’t kiss them!) When someone is learning how to get fisted, they may play without being completely penetrated for quite a while before their body learns to trust that these strange sensations are okay, and relaxes. Remember your prime directive: The Asshole Must Feel No Pain!

If you are lucky enough to be admitted, let the shape of the bowel direct the curve of your hand and wrist. Fisting is safest when you don’t go any deeper than your wrist. Just sit where you are for a while, and let the bottom’s body settle down. They may shake all over, cry out, and even cry. It’s intense. You are in a very sensitive area, so you don’t have to do a lot to create a big reaction. When you do start to move, keep it small. Make little circles. Gently open your hand a fraction of an inch, then close it again. Wiggle your fingertips. See what the response is to each of these gestures. If a prostate is available, a little extra pressure in that area can be sexy. But few men enjoy having the prostate hammered, so don’t overdo it.

If there is enough wiggle room, get the fingertips of your other hand into heaven. This can help to introduce more lubricant. Also, some people enjoy a slow in-and-out in which you trade hands, one slipping past the other. Rotating your hand from side to side can also feel good. Eventually, you may be able to use the traditional in-and-out motion with one hand.

Having something that big inside your body usually changes the sexual response cycle. For example, guys may not get erections even if they feel very excited. Sometimes stimulating the penis or clitoris or vagina can help open the butthole up. But sometimes these sensations are too much, and don’t have the desired effect. This can change from session to session. Often, people wind up focusing on the rush they are getting from the anal play. If they have a genital orgasm, it may come at the very end of the play. Fisting can sometimes make people piss. Get your next trick towel out, mop up, and proceed apace. It’s a way of letting go, expanding emotional horizons, and releasing inhibitions. It can also feel grand. Don’t make people wrong for an experience they can’t prevent. Go with the flow. Literally.

From time to time, it is normal for the stimulated bowel to generate waves of contractions. Small ones can be ignored. Just hold still until it’s over. But if you feel your hand being pushed out, let the body do what it needs to do. The feeling of having the hand expelled can be as pleasurable as being filled up. The anus is stretched no matter what direction you are going in. Engage in another activity or take a break until the bottom feels ready to get plugged again.

The bottom’s physical challenge in a fisting scene is obvious. The top is also running a marathon, and perhaps those challenges need to be explained. The top will be putting out a lot of emotional energy through minute concentration and attention to detail. This is a lot of responsibility, and that affects an ethical person. It’s also a huge ego rush. The top will probably be in uncomfortable positions for extended periods of time. If your nose itches or you have sweat in your eyes, your hands may not be clean enough to safely address the problem. (Have a clean bandana with the towels.) Your hand or arms can fall asleep. Your back can hurt. You may feel sleepy or get bored. Let’s acknowledge that you are touching somebody else a lot, and for most of that time, no one is touching you, so you can experience alienation from your own body. The experienced fisting top learns how to minutely adjust position so blood can flow back into the feet or arms. With practice comes greater stamina.

You also learn when a cry for mercy actually means “I need just a little more to be able to get off”; when to call the opening in question a pussy or start narrating a fantasy about giving birth; when to shut the fuck up; and how to bring somebody down from the heights.

The orgasm is a marker for the end of a vanilla sex scene. Given the altered nature of the body during fisting, there may not be a single big explosion. Nevertheless, you can’t do this forever, although it may sometimes feel as if you have created the perfect perpetual motion machine, a piston drilling for oil distilled from the Shadow itself. Sometimes the bottom will sense that they are through and signal that they need to stop. Sometimes the top needs to decide they can’t continue, and inform the bottom that they are running out of steam and need to start coming back down to earth.

The process of extracting your hand can sometimes take as long as getting in. This isn’t common, but you need to be aware that you don’t just yank your hand out, wipe it off, and point the way to your door. Use the index finger of your other hand to open the asshole a bit, in case a seal has developed. You’ll feel a release of air and can safely continue pulling back. Rotate your hand and verbally encourage the bottom to help you. Sometimes if they take a deep breath and gently bear down, you’ll be smoothly expelled.

There are other ways to do fisting than what I’ve described above. Some people enter the body past the wrist. There are also people who like punch-fucking, a rough and quick form of penetration. I am dubious about the safety of these activities. If you are going to do them, try to find an experienced person who understands the risks and can tell you how to minimize them. Where is the line between enough and too much? Every self-aware person has to confront that question and do their own experiments. My answer probably won’t fit everyone else.

AFTERCARE AND SAFETY

If you still like each other afterward (you will probably like each other more), you can cuddle, say sweet things, and drink more water. Then it may be time to have a snack and go to sleep. But the top has usually built up quite a head of steam during this process. He or she needs some attention. The specific nature of the top’s reward ought to be spelled out in advance. If you don’t want to get off with the bottom’s help, go home and treat yourself to a mean, slow session of jerking off, or find another warm body to do you. If tops ignore their own physical needs, they will eventually start to pull away from a specific partner or the technique that is perceived as draining and frustrating.

Forgive me for getting into the creaky old time machine once more, but I want to point out that fisting used to be a pitch-and-catch activity. There were almost no guys who topped exclusively, or men who did nothing but spread their legs and take it. It was understood that everybody was there to get fucked. Nobody with any common sense would trust their asshole to a man who hadn’t experienced fisting himself. There was no shame in getting fisted. In fact, the more you could take, the more macho you were, in an odd way. This was in direct contrast to the SM community’s more strictly segregated and formal roles.

Unfortunately, the brotherhood of butt worship has been subsumed into BDSM culture, for the most part, and that has meant a greater polarization between tops and bottoms. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Those high-and-mighty deities of leather with their perfect boots have got their own appeal. And the tops aren’t bad either. But I like to remind people that there are alternatives, different ways of looking at how these exchanges of erotic energy work, historical shifts and new possibilities for the future.

In conclusion I want to talk a little about sexual health and how to deal with an accident. During a fisting scene, it’s extremely likely that the top will be exposed to whatever lurks within the bottom’s bottom. This is why I encourage both parties to support their immune systems. A case of amoebas is hard to diagnose and unpleasant to treat. Hepatitis is more easily transmissible than HIV. Another potential problem is HPV, the human papillomavirus, which causes genital warts. Touching an infected part of someone’s body and then touching yourself can pass it on. This is an extremely common virus, but some forms of it can dramatically increase a woman’s risk of getting cervical cancer. There is a vaccine available for young women, and I urge everyone eligible to consider getting immunized. If you are going to have oral sex or penile penetration, then you may also have to worry about syphilis, gonorrhea, herpes, and the rest of the STIs. Be as healthy as you can be, use protection, and get tested regularly. If you come down with something, inform your partners, get treated, and don’t pass it on. We can prove that we are a community by taking care of one another.

You can’t rely on pain receptors to tell you if something has gone wrong deep inside the bowel, which is why the safest type of fisting is when you don’t go any deeper than your wrist. Farther in than that the lining is much thinner. And if there is a problem, it will take longer for blood to show up, increasing the risk of a life-threatening issue.

Keep track of the color of your lube. Wipe some on a white towel from time to time. If it is turning pink, you are getting a little bit of blood, which means the lining is abraded. It’s time to stop and find something else fun to do. If you see a spot of red blood, quit. Apply some ice. The bottom needs to monitor their belly and their body temperature. If they get a hard belly, experience internal pain, or start running a fever, it’s time to call 911 and get to the emergency room. If you see a lot of blood, you’re in big trouble. Apply pressure and call for help. This may mean that you need to keep your hand in place, inside the person, until medics arrive. Peritonitis takes hours to develop, but people bleed to death at top speed.

Hospitals can be scary places. Health workers like to think they have seen it all, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be sarcastic or judgmental toward people who have sex-related accidents. I don’t know why those situations should be more embarrassing than a car accident, but reality is often unkind. In the ideal world, all of us would have insurance and primary care doctors who understood our sexuality. But we have to be prepared to cope with less than perfect emergency rooms. A top who abandons a bottom in this situation is a complete and total jerk. Stay with the person who is hurt. Advocate for them. You need the staff to understand that this is not a case of domestic violence. It was consenting sex that went wrong, and you are very, very sorry. If it looks as if they might report this to the police as a case of assault, call your lawyer. (You do have a lawyer, don’t you?) There are no known cases of this happening, but who wants to be the exception?

Now you can see why I urge you to approach handballing with the greatest of respect. I have never to my knowledge hurt anybody I’ve played with, but I’ve also frequently refused to do things I felt were unsafe, even if my partner begged me to continue. Bodies are unpredictable things. If there is a weak spot in a partner’s blood vessel or rectal lining, I could theoretically hurt them even if I was doing something I’ve safely done to others. Err on the side of caution.

Honestly, this game is not for every player. Some of us are disqualified just by virtue of our bodies. Hips or orifices refuse to stretch that much. Minds or hearts know it is not wise, but refuse to let go. Some of us might be able to go there, but we know that we can’t deal with the consequences if an accident happens. If you don’t have good medical care and access to legal protection, don’t take risks that exceed your resources. I would offer the same advice to someone who liked to be catheterized, for example, or anyone who wanted to get pregnant, for that matter.

If such scary things could happen, why do people do handballing at all? Should we declare fisting off-limits for the Safe, Sane, and Consensual crowd? I’m not sure the question is even worth asking, because when people want something for purposes of arousal and physical delight, they will go to great lengths to do it, even if it is dangerous or forbidden. Sometimes forbidding something makes it more appealing. I believe it is better to give people a lot of information about the pros and cons of various sexual behaviors so they can decide for themselves.

Handballing is like modern dance, the feats of Hindu fakirs, or an ordeal that creates a shaman. People do it because it demands everything they’ve got. There is a high obtained from pushing your body to the limits and beyond, and in doing something extraordinary that most people can’t even imagine. Giving up control of such a private and demeaned part of the body, allowing someone else to pleasure you and worship your butt, lifts centuries of culturally induced shame from our shoulders. It is a way of saying, I am different, I can do something amazing, I know a closely guarded secret. My life has magic in it.

Author’s Note: No article can show you exhaustively how to perform anal fisting safely. If you have never done this and you want to try, do your homework. But you also need to meet people who are already in this scene. Watching others play, trying it out with expert mentoring, and listening to verbal instruction or feedback is still the best way to learn how to do this safely. Besides, if you don’t find seasoned fisters, what good is all this book learning going to do you?