The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play, and the Erotic Edge

“Let’s pretend…” To us as children, these words opened myriad worlds and possibilities. A simple cardboard box was our spaceship, Dad’s old sweater was a cape, and we were off into uncharted territory, limited only by our fertile and unhindered imaginations.

For better, or for worse? Imagination and games of make-believe are often shunned as “childlike things” that grownups simply do not do. Yet today, over 12 million people around the world eagerly spend hours a day playing World of Warcraft, let alone the hundreds of other massive multiplayer online role-playing games.

I am, among many things, an actor and a performer, and I have been practicing my craft professionally since I was about four years old. But even for me, with a lifetime of formal training and experience under my belt, turning up the heat in bed by playing make-believe sex games can sometimes feel awkward, vulnerable, or difficult.

So why is it so tough for so many of us to stretch our imaginations into our sex lives? There are many reasons why people shy away from using fantasy and role playing to enhance and enrich their sex. Some worry about feeling silly. It can be a serious buzzkill if you feel self-conscious and awkward in the midst of a hot-’n-heavy humping! Furthermore, pretending to be someone you are not or creating a fanciful scenario might seem easy, but sustaining it can be daunting; it’s pretty much guaranteed that no one wants to risk being a flop in bed!

It is risky, too. What if you work up the nerve to share with your partner(s) that you have a really hot abduction and ravishment fantasy, only to see them recoil in horror, decry your desires as “weird,” or worse yet, “sick,” and possibly jeopardize the relationship?

And at its heart, it is intimidating. We often become so accustomed to one style, one approach, one dance move that works for us that flipping the script can be scary. What if you mess it up? Forget the lines? Decide halfway through that you just aren’t into it and want out?

All these concerns are valid. However, it is important to remember that fantasy and play are things we are born knowing how to do. All you have to do to take that first step is to remember. Remember the fearlessness, remember being invested in having fun, remember that there is nothing to lose when you throw yourself wholeheartedly into your play.

As someone who identifies as profoundly kinky, I can say that role playing is one of the things that brought me to a more comfortable place about my own twisted sexuality. Though I felt deeply conflicted about being submissive, and it did not sit well with my fiercely feminist heart, I could pretend to be submissive—you know, for science. These games allowed me to playfully investigate a newly unearthed part of my psyche and to become more comfortable with it. It felt safer for me to make-believe my way into a new realm. I gradually understood that this was a big part of who I am, and expressing it freely was precisely what feminism was all about. Nowadays, I do not have to pretend. I can just be me.

For many folks, that is as much as they need. The play’s the thing! For others, role playing frees them to explore undiscovered countries in their internal landscapes—to plumb the depths of all that their spirit and imagination has to offer!

There are varied approaches to role playing. Finding one that is right for you will give you a comfortable, fun, sexy way to harness your creative energy.

SIMPLE “WHAT IF…?”

You do not have to come up with elaborate costuming, props, scenery, and character analysis to do some very basic role-playing scenarios. Just be yourself. You’ve been doing it for a while, so that part should be easy! In the “What if…?” game, you imagine a scenario in which you and your partner(s) may fully engage as yourselves. Are you perhaps the disgruntled and weary traveler faced with a very invasive search at the hands of a presumptuous, lascivious TSA agent? Or perhaps you are the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, you’ve been caught inappropriately using your expense account funds, and you would do anything—anything at all—to escape being turned over to the authorities by the CFO.

Imagining how you, the you that you are now, would react in those situations is a great way to start your explorations into role playing. You can imagine how you would react because we do that all the time. We all are expert “armchair quarterbacks” when it comes to deciding how we would react in someone else’s shoes. Whether second-guessing a referee’s call or shouting in dismay when the girl in the horror flick foolishly walks into that dark-ass basement, we always have a plan of action that’s better than the puerile efforts of the people we are observing.

So go for it. Perhaps you have a real-life scenario you would like to recreate. That crossing guard on whom you had a crush, the hot cop who pulled you over. You can even role-play on the phone. The sexy voice answering your call to customer service? Perhaps the conversation strays to more seductive topics than the annual fee on your credit card account, and you find yourself under the spell of an anonymous, velvet-throated stranger. Once you put on your “How do I make this hot?” glasses, opportunities to sex up quotidian scenarios will blossom all around you.

Sharing real-life experiences with your lover can be amazing foreplay. People love to hear stories, and the opportunity to tell a story with real-time skin-on-skin interaction in the mix can be an exotically delicious treat. Or perhaps you have a knack for the written word? Craft an erotic email, or write up a sexy short story about the scenario you are envisioning, offer to send it to your partner or read it to them[10] as a bedtime story, or perhaps leave them a voicemail if you are the shy type. The very act of sharing is a wonderful way to break open your reluctance and get your partner’s buy-in. It can help you build trust, which in turn helps you relax into the possibilities and enjoy the ride.

We have all heard the maxim “The brain is the biggest sex organ,” and what is going on upstairs certainly has a lot to do with the human arousal cycle. Bring your imagination to play when you are engaging your senses in sex—it’s an awesome way to open new realms of possibility for that gray matter to explore.

FLASHBACKS

Besides creating a scenario out of the whole cloth of pure imagination, you can role-play a situation you’ve previously experienced, or revive a moment from the past. Interestingly, for some people who are emotionally invested in their role-play lives, these scenes may not always be hottest and sexiest. Some people revisit memories of a traumatic or difficult situation through role play to shift the outcome and reclaim their power. If you have faced racism, sexism, or discrimination based on your gender, body type, or socioeconomic status, there is a rich source of role play to be mined here.

You can also cut and paste from your history. It may be wildly insensitive to turn to your lover and say, “Hey, I’m gonna close my eyes and pretend you are this ex-partner of mine who was simply an amazing lover, okay?” Creating a role-play scenario focusing on what made your ex such a delightful sexual partner is far more intriguing. Was there a situation, a place, a time that brings you back? Did you have a particular shirt that your lover removed from you in just a certain way that left you hungry for more? Perhaps an unexpected caress in a surprising place that drove you wild? Share and then dare to go there, because most folks want to learn how to get more pleasure out of their sexual experiences. And who better than you to show your partner how you like to be done?

Role-playing can free you from the occasional hesitancy many of us feel when asking for exactly what we want. And it also permits you to cherry-pick from your sexual history to gather the highlights and craft a scenario that embraces all the heat and fire and passion that you recall from your favorite encounters. Only this time you can skip over the awkward parts and get right to the hot hotness!

YOU’RE SUCH A CHARACTER!

We have plenty of adulation for those performers who can morph chameleon–like into varying personae. It can be truly amazing when a skilled actor seems to blend seamlessly into the character they are portraying, losing themselves in the process. One of the wonderful benefits of role playing is that you can step outside the person you are in your “default” life and become someone entirely different. This type of role playing, “becoming the other,” gives you a unique freedom.

If it is in your nature to be aggressive, demanding, and extroverted, try adopting a character who is shy, retiring, and bashful. This gives you room to explore a reality that, while it might not be where you want to live, is a liberating place to visit. And if you tend to be the sort for whom even making a move on someone you find attractive seems a massive impossibility, take on the persona of a consummate seducer—give yourself permission to be the passionate Casanova, Cleopatra, siren, or succubus. Be the irresistible creature of everyone’s fantasy. Inhabiting that character can expose a facet of you that you might not even know is there!

Let slip your ideas of gender, race, body type—none of these matter when you use your head to get out of your body. Don’t worry about who you think you are right now. Turn your gaze inward, open yourself to the possibility of becoming, even if for just a little while, someone else. If I want to have crazy monkeysex with my partner while pretending I am a captured rōnin Samurai, I am not gonna let it stop me that the body I currently inhabit just so happens to be that of a curvy black woman. A little research, a little creativity, and I can find myself in excruciating Japanese rope bondage being mercilessly interrogated by a ruthless overlord who is bent on sullying my honor with whatever, uh, tools are at their disposal.

DRAWING THE LINE

Your fantasies do not have to be politically correct. They do not have to be socially acceptable. It is not pathological or abnormal to have fantasies that incorporate rape, abduction, sexual abuse, nonconsensual violence, racial bigotry, or any of the behaviors that constitute “man’s inhumanity to man.” While negotiation with and the consent of all involved parties is vital to a safe, sexy, and fun role-playing romp, the sky is the limit when it comes to doing what you want to do.

At the core of role playing is the truth that we all have within us many, many facets. It can be difficult, especially for those of us raised in a social atmosphere of repression, to let go of the idea that we might be “wrong” or “sick” if we have darker fantasies. The truth of it is, we all have our darker fantasies, and those shadowy places can be a rich playground, too. Of course, these fantasies add a layer of complexity when you take on a role or persona with a sinister aspect.

First, it can be troubling to see your own appetite for destruction brought into the light. It can also be surprising to discover how we react when confronted with our demons, or with the monsters that live in those we love and care for. But I do not believe that we ought to shy away from these scary creatures or avoid fearsome fantasies. Fantasies of rape, humiliation, and degradation are not uncommon. But the shame we frequently attach to these desires can hamper us from exploring them, and therefore knowing ourselves. The core issue is not that what you do is “wrong” or “bad”; it is that you may feel wrong or bad because of messages you have received from society or family. When you act out your fantasies, you can leave all that behind.

Many of us are raised to feel shame as sexual beings. But consenting adults who are able to embrace their desires and make them flesh have the unique advantage of moving beyond shame and guilt. We do so in a spirit of liberating and exploring our sexuality. But always keep in mind your limits—your boundaries, the stuff you just cannot or will not do. When negotiating your fantasies with your partners, make clear what is and is not okay. It might be hot to pretend you’re the naughty schoolgirl being ravished by a stern teacher, but if you are a survivor of abuse, this type of role play might trigger a flashback to that trauma, bring up a bad memory, or cause a reaction that is not conducive to hot consensual sex. Make sure you talk about your past and get clear on your motives and your desires before engaging in this play.

“I WANNA DO BAD THINGS TO YOU.” NEGOTIATE THIS!

Negotiation, limits, and consent are of critical importance when exploring role playing. Without them, you increase the risk of missteps that can derail the fun, or worse, create emotional chaos. Even a light, fun scene can be derailed if expectations are not clear and everyone is not on the same page.

When thinking about and planning these scenes, consider your own and your partner’s motivations, desires, likes and dislikes, wants and needs. As I said, the sky’s the limit, but you have to decide to go there together. The negotiation process—setting boundaries for what is or is not acceptable, working out the desired scenario, deciding how long the scene will last—can seem a bit of a bore and a big old chore.

But consider it foreplay. Try whispering into your lover’s ear that you just bought this hot bondage gear and you’re wondering how long it might last while you’re securely pinned down and at their mercy. Make the negotiation part of the scene. You can get their buy-in to the scenario during the negotiation process, and if it happens in an organic, sexy environment, it won’t feel like work at all.

Setting boundaries is important no matter what roles you are considering. Whether you are the passive captive, the aggressive ravisher, or embodying your younger, more innocent self, losing your virginity in the backseat of a ’57 Chevy, ya gotta know where the edges of things are. Some folks are wonderful when it comes to improvisation and winging it; others absolutely need to know what is around the bend in order to feel safe. Be clear about your own boundaries, and make sure you are crystal clear about the boundaries of your partner.

Telling each other sexy and explicit stories about your fantasy scenarios can be a great negotiation tool. Many people enjoy hearing a rollicking raunchy tale, and this may well be the key to your own secret garden. While it is scary to be vulnerable in this way, it definitely increases your chances of seeing your fantasy become a reality.

“PSST… WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?” DRESS FOR SUCCESS

While it is true that you can use your imagination, and that’s pretty much all you need, it can be exciting to add a layer of verisimilitude to your role playing with costuming, props, and location. Jeans and a T-shirt might work well if you are pretending to be a truck driver waylaid and seduced by a hot hitchhiker, but the Dread Pirate Roberts might not be as believable sweeping his captured prince off his feet in the same garb. As an actor, one of my favorite points in the rehearsal process is when we meet our costumes for the first time. I start to understand something deeper about my character when I feel my body enrobed in what they are wearing. Clothes evoke a whole range of emotions. They can arouse, titillate, confine, release, display, hide, and thrill us in many different ways.

Consider what fabrics excite you. Do silk and satin arouse your skin and your mind? Or does the thick hide of a leather jacket, the smell of it, turn your senses to full-on arousal with every creak? Think about what in you is touched by fabrics, textures, clothing. Think about how you might incorporate a particular item of clothing into your scenario. I’m a pretty kinky chick, and I wear all manner of fetish clothing as a matter of business. But a pair of simple white cotton panties and knee socks can send me into a grinning reverie that’ll keep me hot and bothered all day long.

Find something that works for you, be it gingham, burlap, chiffon, or cashmere. Feel the texture, absorb the sensual nature of it, think about why it arouses you, and then consider ways to bring it into your encounter.

Your clothes convey a message, and you can manipulate your outward appearance in order to manifest yourself or your character in many ways. If being in a suit makes you feel strong and confident, could fucking in a suit bring a new level of power and a frisson of desire to that scene? What happens if the person being taken is naked and vulnerable, while their partner is fully dressed? For some women, wearing high-heeled shoes is a daily occurrence and doesn’t resonate much. But take a person who feels awkward in the shoes, or is acculturated to feel that wearing such footwear is not appropriate for them due to gender roles, and wearing those high-heeled shoes can become a sexually charged transgressive act. Always had short hair? An inexpensive wig ordered online can put you right into the head space of that sexy silver-screen siren you’ve envied your whole life.

Dressing up is fun. Bringing an awareness of what accoutrements turn you on can add to that fun. Even mundane objects can be imbued with a sexy vibe: I had a very intense sexual encounter that was kicked up a notch when my partner and I dared each other to keep our glasses on during the entire fuck. You will not know how difficult it can be to keep your specs on while pounding the headboard until you’ve tried it.

Whether you are a full-on Renaissance Faire devotee or just happen to have an old Halloween costume gathering dust in the closet, you can up the ante by dressing to impress. And dressing to undress.

INCORPORATING THOSE PESKY REAL-LIFE CONCERNS

Make-believe is fantastic and I am all for it. However, we must remember that we aren’t really Superman and Wonder Woman. Hot, spontaneous romps in the hay have their appeal, but issues such as safer sex, emotional health, and physical limitations have to be taken into account.

It can seem like a drag or a bit out of character to have to get that condom in play, or to have those gloves ready to go, but incorporating them into your scene is, for many folks, a must. Some people choose to suspend disbelief for just a moment (if you read books or watch movies or TV you do this all the time, so hop to it!), then they get their safer-sex shtick together and carry on. Some scenarios lend themselves to all sorts of play specific to protection. Think of a medical exam where your gynecologist or proctologist gets a little…overenthusiastic with those palpations, for example. Those gloves and dental dams can be an even more arousing addition to the play. I know more than a few people who even become aroused at the sound of a glove being snapped on!

And this level of play can have a wonderful benefit, too: by making your safer-sex routine a part of your play, you grab it back from the realm of the awkward and mundane and put it firmly where it should be—a place where you show yourself and your partners that you want to stay healthy and let the play go on and on.

While these games can be fun, they can also be strenuous on the body. Cut yourself some slack. If you want to play caveman, go ahead, but if you throw your lover over your shoulder and bellow, “Og take Grog back to cave for bump-bump!” you might end up with Og on the floor with a herniated disc. Be gentle! Know your body’s limits. The character you are playing might be a superhero, but you still have to take into account stuff like gravity, flexibility, and how often you use that gym membership when you’re getting it on. Be safe. Don’t overdo it while you’re doing it.

It’s also important to know where you are, emotionally. Role playing can be fun and silly, but it can also touch on some serious emotional issues. When negotiating and engaging in role play, be prepared for the chance that you may unearth complex feelings and the play may quickly feel very real. That’s why you have a safeword—don’t be afraid to use it. Don’t be afraid to stop! Stopping because you aren’t sure everything’s OK is a better option than pushing through a situation that might lead to a difficult aftermath. When in doubt, tap out! There is always another day.

WHAT HAPPENS NOW? AFTERCARE AND REENTRY

So you’ve just done your epic Tarzan and Jane scene, and maybe Cheetah is a bit worn out. Everyone is lying there in a big quivering pile of sweat-soaked bliss. On your average night it might be enough to do an otter roll in the sheets and a round of Rock/Paper/Scissors to see who gets the wet spot. But if you have just been romping about in the borrowed robes of your hot sexy scenario, a bit more consideration might be in order. Sometimes the role play is foreplay, in which case the sex is a denouement, and may be separate from the scene. Or the sex can be the very center of the scene, vital to the story you and your lover, or lovers, are weaving for each other. Whatever the case, think about what you may need in the aftermath. It’s a great way to improve your chances of a safe landing.

Playing can take you to new and exciting places. But afterward? You have to find a way back. Knowing how you tend to react after sex is something you would do well to consider when you are plotting your nefarious role-playing deeds. If one of you tends to fall right asleep and the other turns into Spider-Man and has to be pried off the ceiling after sex, you can run into some issues!

I know my own reaction can vary. Some sex puts me right into “Touch me and die, fool!” mode, while at other times I want to cuddle and snuggle—or jump up and whip up a three-course meal. This unpredictability can be even more challenging when you are coming off channeling a character or unfurling a scenario that was a journey to a very different place.

Stay open and remain compassionate in the time immediately postplay—it’s a good way to come back down to earth and to focus on the most important element in the role play: the people involved. Sure, it is hot to pretend. But at the core of the role play are the players. Acknowledging that you had a great time with your play partner(s) helps reinforce the connection you’ve made with them. And it can help restore their humanity, in case it was compromised by the scene. It can be uncomfortable to feel that you were merely a pawn in another’s fantasy—unless of course, your fantasy is to be someone’s hapless pawn!—so in the reentry phase I like to reconnect, check in, to give reassurance that I am present for them. And I ask the same of them for my well-being.

Think about what you might need in terms of postplay sustenance, and have it handy. After you’ve bridged the gap between fantasy and reality, it is a great idea to debrief and see how it was for all involved parties. Things might come up for you immediately or take some time to bubble to the surface. Listening and discussing how things went can lay an excellent foundation for the next time you choose to go spelunking in your imagination.

Whatever turns you on, whatever the intent of your fantasy, whatever your desired level of complexity, ultimately this is about you—satisfying your desires and exploring parts of yourself that you might not be able to access every day or any other way. From the tender and mild to the whole-hog buck-wild, your fantasies are as individual as your fingerprints.

Exploring your sexuality by trying out other characters, creatures, or personae is as ancient as humanity and as cutting-edge as technology. Whether it is quickie in an alley or a scenario that takes weeks to plan and nine friends to pull off, adding your most vivid imaginings to your sexual alchemy is a fantastic way to bring your deeper self, or selves, to light. Leave behind your apprehension, step out of your nervousness, and be you, elevated and expanded and limitless.

So, sure, go ahead and order the full Klingon ensemble with prostheses for your head, download the Klingon language tutorials. Or maybe just turn to your lover tonight and say, “Lets pretend you are me, and I am you.” And take that leap.

THE CALL OF THE WILD

The call of being something other than human appeals to many of us. As kids, we pretended to be wolves hunting in the woods, trotted around being pretty ponies, or curled up on the floor and had fun as a spoiled house cat. That desire is still present for many of us, and in the world of kinky and adventurous sex you too can be something other than human—or have a human animal all your own.

Each person is called to animal role playing for their own reasons. Perhaps you like having fun and being silly, or you’re looking for an outlet for letting go of stress. How many of us have tough days at the office and just would like to be “something else” for a while? After all, puppies don’t think about paying taxes, and being a dragon means not worrying about whether the dishes need to be done.

All forms of role playing let us step out of being ourselves for a while. We try on a different role, a different mask, a different character. We transform into plundering pirates, wicked dominatrices, and naughty schoolgirls. The same is true for human animal role playing. When we get to be an animal for a period of time, we set aside our day-today concerns and just have fun with the interactions.

For some, animal role playing is a chance to connect with a partner. By becoming a puppy, we are reliant upon our partner to care for us and our needs, and in doing so we might be able to build trust with our partners in ways we never did before. As the owner or handler of a human animal, we can learn to see our partner in a new light—as playful, loving, feisty, bratty, proud, delicate, service-minded, or strong.

When we take away our human masks to become more animalistic, sometimes core parts of our identity come to the forefront in ways that we were unintentionally hiding from the world at large. When I was in Melbourne, Australia, I was invited to attend a human puppy romp, a party night at a fetish club called Chains. I showed up as “Gunner,” my Rottweiler persona. About eight human puppies were there with their handlers, and about 60 other people. I wandered around sniffing crotches and having fun playing with the other puppies, until I noticed a problem. A man had brought his girlfriend to the event as a human pony, and the other dogs were barking at her. She was scared.

I rushed away from the person I was flirting with, still on all fours. I was barking at full volume, a loud angry bark, as I got between the pony girl and the human puppies. Yipping and snapping, they were confused at me—why wasn’t I joining the fun and scaring the pony? In that moment I realized that I held a core value that the fun of others is never worth the true suffering of another. It was through my own animal role playing that I realized how deeply I felt about my own convictions.

Sexiness and an outright erotic turn-on can call many to animal role playing. I have met sensual snakes who liked to taste every inch of their lovers’ flesh before squeezing down tight, and well-hung pony boys ready to be used as the studs they are. Animal role playing is about sexually consenting adults choosing to dress up or play pretend as if they were animals. It should not be confused with bestiality, in which humans are erotically involved with actual animals. Those who are turned on by animal role playing have sex with their human partners, who happen to be animal characters, and they may or may not be using the role playing to play with a specific taboo.

Sometimes it is all about the wardrobe. That inexpensive pair of kitty-cat ears you wore at Halloween a few years ago with the slinky matching outfit? You were doing animal role playing! Some people go all-out with wardrobe or fetish wear, investing in hoof-shaped boots, mitts to take away the use of their hands, makeup that expresses their primal self, or hoods shaped like the face of their animal persona or character. There are even butt plugs available on the market nowadays that look like pony tails, puppy tails, and even curly pigtails in pink.

Wardrobe isn’t just for the animals either. How many of us have lusted after the smart-looking woman in an English riding costume, or the bad-boy dog-fighting trainer? Whether dressing up in jodhpurs and boots or a sexy jogging outfit, we as the human counterparts to our animal characters can have fun with costuming as well.

For those more attracted to complex costumes, there is an entire community known as Furries or Furry Fandom. Role-playing anthropomorphic animals (such as walking, talking lions) rather than “realistic” animals, the Furry community is a blend of science-fiction fandom, cosplay (Japanese costume/ character-based role playing) and costume aficionados, and erotic role players. Not all Furries see themselves as being into erotic animal role playing—so don’t assume that just because someone plays dress-up they want to “yif” with you (engage sexually while in character or role as Furries). Some Furries wear complete mascot costumes, while others are happy in just ears and a tail—or they may consider their animal identity always in place, even when not in costume.

Perhaps you are drawn to animal role playing because it is a chance to actively engage with your physical body. Many of us wander around partially disconnected from our bodily experience. We ignore that our back hurts sitting at our office desk, or tune out the noises of living in big cities. By becoming an animal, we have a chance to be fully present in our bodies; we might be petted or brushed down, engaging with our skin through sensation play. Perhaps it is a chance to activate our muscles by challenging our body, for example, in role as a strong horse, pulling a cart that our partner is sitting in. Our olfactory sense might come to the forefront when we take the time to actually smell and taste the world around us—licking our partner’s body and smelling them inch by inch.

Some individuals are drawn to animal role play through their spirituality. Whether working with totems, feeling connected to animal spirits, or being drawn to the energy of the werewolf, these individuals feel an energetic connection to the animal in question. They may or may not perceive themselves as Therian—having the energetic body of an animal that does not match their physical form as a human. For animal role players rooted in spirituality, this practice is profound and deeply meaningful. In fact, many role players have had moments of epiphany or other spiritual insights through their opportunity to see the world from a different perspective.

CHOOSE YOUR ANIMAL

Whatever our reason for engaging in animal role playing, there are many ways to tailor it to your desires. We can choose the species we play, its personality, what characters we interact with, and of course what kinds of activities we get up to (and the characters we interact with in those activities). Just choose one item from each of the three categories below—species, personality, and interactions—and you’re ready to go!

Human animals come in species great and small. People who are drawn to horses and ponies engage in pony play. Pony players are often drawn to the equine features of strength, elegance, beauty, grace, power, poise, and confidence. Some want to be show ponies, prancing for spectators and being fed sugar cubes for their coordinated routines. Perhaps the chance to be a sweaty workhorse calls more to you—pulling your partner in a cart up a hill and being washed down by their firm hands afterward. Other pony and horse archetypes include the feisty filly, stud stallion, old nag ready for the glue factory, wild Palomino, focused workhorse, skittish pony, queen of the parade, and the foal on new legs.

The next most common species for animal play is canine (dogs, puppies, and wolves). Puppy players find commonality with and inspiration from the canine traits of camaraderie, playfulness, devotion, and bravery. Others enjoy puppy play because it gives them the chance to be a horny dog in heat, someone’s best friend, or the chance to be bouncy and playful as a young puppy. Human puppies are given a fantastic view of the world, seeing everyone at crotch level. Some examples of puppy play archetypes are the yappy Toy Poodle, sled dog, alpha wolf, prized Chihuahua, kennel bitch, loving Labrador, lonely Basset Hound, Boxer in heat, and Rottweiler guard dog.

Felines are another often-desired animal species for role players. Kitty play might involve role playing as a cat or a kitten, or even wild feline species such as lions, leopards, or tigers. Some are drawn to the loving feline traits of being cuddly, playful, sweet, or sensual, while others are called by the standoffish, aloof, and proper demeanor of some cats. Cats, after all, often exhibit an extreme dichotomy of traits, and this appeals to a number of role-playing possibilities. Kitty play archetypes include the pretty kitty, lost kitten, cranky house tabby, troublemaking alley cat, cowardly lion, and wild bobcat.

Though pony play, puppy play, and kitty play get the most air time in the world of animal role playing, there are many other species to choose from. Farm animals appear often in animal role play pornography, where girls are depicted as cows being milked and gay piggy boys roll around wallowing in the mud. Fans of erotic humiliation might be drawn to worm and bug roles, where a dominant partner can “squish” their partner underfoot or treat them for the length of the scene as worthless and small.

Birds of all shapes are a fantastic inspiration for role playing: think of trained parrots, wild pigeons, elegant swans, or precocious penguins. In the public kinky sex community I’ve played with a human ferret who traveled with its own jingly toys, and it would not be surprising to meet a human rat or mouse. How many of us have enjoyed the aesthetics of scantily clad bunny girls? If you are not drawn to the simple, consider becoming something more exotic—a zebra, monkey, dolphin, snake, or hippopotamus. Even the occasional dinosaur, dragon, or sphinx has been known to make an appearance in bedroom fantasy adventures.

Once we have an idea of the kind of species we would enjoy being, we can explore our pet personality. Would you rather have your animal persona be close to your daily demeanor or something radically different? For example, if you are easygoing in your day-to-day life, you might enjoy an opposite role, like a defensive Doberman; maybe you want to be more like your average self but in dog form, like a happy-go-lucky Golden Retriever.

Neither is better or worse, but it is important to consider what traits call to you today. You can choose a different personality next time. Do you want your pet personality to be lazy? Feisty and bratty? Do you want to use your pet self as a chance to explore submission or service? Perhaps your darker desires come to the surface and you want a safe framework to explore being an abused pony (literally kicked when they are down), or a feral wolf on the hunt for blood.

If unsure in which direction to take your character’s personality, consider some animal names. Are you Lady? Piglet? Lancelot? Beast? Pinky? Boxer? Lord Eduardo, King of the Goats? Names hold a lot of power. Being called by our pet name gets us out of our day-to-day space and into our role. They also tell us a lot about the personality of the pet and how to interact with them. An ironic combination of species and name can also be hilarious, affecting how we treat both the pet and their handler. Most of us would react differently to a Chihuahua named Pinky than we would to a Pit Bull named Pinky.

INTERACTIONS

Reason for play, species, and personality in hand—now what? Now we get to decide what characters we interact with. Will you be a pet on your own, playing with toys or eating from a bowl? Will a human puppy play with another human puppy, or a group of human puppies, at a kinky sex conference? Perhaps your inner house cat and your partner’s puppy will interact with one another.

Others will want to have their animal self interact with a human character. There is a lot of enjoyment to be had by being one of these humans. Do you want to be a pet “owner,” having pride in your pet, investing in or showing off a top-valued racehorse, or bonding with what is yours? For human pet owners, there is an intimacy of connection that can arise as pet and owner grow into their roles together.

Sometimes a pet “trainer” actually spends more time with a pet than its owner does. Trainers have the capacity to create a regimen, formality, and structure with a human animal as they train it how to behave. You might enjoy being a trainer (or playing with one) if you enjoy dominance and submission, or if the notion of positive or negative reinforcement gets your juices flowing. By pushing or cajoling the creature, trainers help push their animal into being the best animal they can be.

Sometimes a pet just needs to connect with a handler, someone who is a fan of pets and likes interacting with them without being invested as a trainer or owner. These are folks who have fun petting the kitty, playing tug-of-war with the puppy, or riding around on the pony’s back. Being a handler can be a great chance to let go of stress, fulfill our need for a nonhuman pet by having a human one step in, or explore bestiality fantasies.

ACTIVITIES

Many animal role players get flustered about what to do as human animals and their handlers. It’s okay. When you see porn featuring thousand-dollar pony harnesses, hoof boots, and a full farm to be run around in, it can feel as if you’ll never go there without the financial investment. This is not true.

One of the simplest ways to encourage your transformation into an animal role is by changing your physicality into that of your animal of choice. Yes, those hoof boots might make you stand taller and walk upright, but so can a pair of high heels, or just standing taller and prouder. Consider petting your pony’s back to remind her of her posture, or physically straighten her out. Head high, proud! Even if he is a four-legged pony (someone who goes around on hands and knees, sometimes offering ponyback rides for those their frame can safely hold), help your pet keep good posture and his head high. Thus you can create physicality with no cost at all.

Physicality can be encouraged in two-legged pony play (walking on human legs) by binding the arms back with something as simple as a pair of cuffs. For cats and dogs, encourage them to ball their hands in mitts, get a pair of gardening or sports knee pads to let them crawl around for longer on all fours, or find some sort of tail that can move as they crawl or walk about. For worms, what about binding the arms at their sides? What will help them be the pet they want to be?

Once you are physically moving like an animal, consider the types of activities your animal enjoys. Horses can be trotted around a room, led on a lead for formal dressage training, or hooked up to a cart for pulling. They might be put on display and examined at a human animal “show,” set up to be “studded,” or brushed down after a sweaty afternoon of activity (a great way to explore unusual sensations). Puppies can also be brushed, but what about feeding them a dish of chili out of a bowl on the floor—it looks a lot like dog food. Cats might be petted by their favorite little girl, or get taken to the vet. This allows for animal role play to be combined with age play (where grown adults pretend to be younger) or medical play (where a fetish for medical tools and wardrobe is engaged).

Start out small. Try exercises like crawling on the ground, eating without your hands, or chasing a laser beam around a room. What does it feel like to curl up under your lover’s legs and let her pet you for a while? Come to it with a sense of humor and a willingness to see what evolves, instead of having a picture of the outcome in mind the very first time.

If you find that the characters everyone plays are enjoyable, consider moving up to more complex wardrobe, props, or activities. A first-time scene is not the best time to invest in the milking equipment and full Swedish country girl costume—save that for after you know everyone is actually into it. Why spend the money, time, or energy on it if you don’t even know whether you and your partner will enjoy animal role playing?

Find inspiration in the animals you mimic. What types of play do they engage in at home in their native environments? How do they notify their humans when they are hungry or need to answer the call of nature? What kinds of noises do they make and how do they move? These are all great places to draw ideas for role playing.

CARE AND FEEDING

When we engage in human animal role playing, the partner who becomes the pet is offering himself, his love, and his trust as a gift. With that level of trust, it is important that you, as the handler of a human pet, keep up your side of the bargain and care for him while you are in role.

Does this mean that handlers need to provide for all the needs of their play partners? No. Before everyone gets into character, it is best to decide who is responsible for bringing what items, props, beverages etc. to the scene. Many pets have a preferred head harness, favorite chew toy, or precious fluffy bunny tail. Use them! They are already attached to those items and it will allow them more chances to be fully in role. Make sure someone remembers food, water, safer-sex supplies, explicitly erotic toys, and anything else that might come in handy during the scene.

During play, also keep in mind what systems of communication you will use. In many forms of kinky sex play, people use a safeword to let others know when they need to check in or stop the scene, but many human animal role players prefer not to use human speech. If you are playing with someone who wants to be able to communicate a safeword or needs to check in while staying in role, consider alternate systems, such as picking up a toy you otherwise would not use or rhythmically stomping a paw or hoof.

Some pets drop so deeply into their role that they can only understand their trainer’s body language and tone once they are fully transformed into their animal self. These human animals may not be able to deliver safewords or warn you that they are tired of using human words—so find out what their language is. When they are tired, do they yawn or try to lie down? When they are hurt, do they buck up and try to get away? This could be mistaken for obstinacy—find out why your pet mews or screams.

The issue of ethics also comes up when we are playing with those who drop so deeply into role that they no longer can communicate with us in human language. Just as BDSM has subspace, where a bottom goes so deeply into submission that it may be a challenge for them to communicate, this can happen with some animal role players. If this happens to your partner, consider whether you should honor what you agreed to before they went into character or listen to what the animal before you is trying to tell you.

Things can sometimes go wrong. Once, shooting with Playboy television, I was being ridden by starlet Kira Reed while I was a four-legged pony. I had been a pony for some time that day, and my head space had slipped into being that of a horse—I had forgotten how to speak. This would not have been an issue, except that Kira was wearing spurs—she kicked my thighs and I bucked. She thought I was being playful, and so did everyone else on the shoot. She kicked me again, and I bucked again. This went on for some time, my horse self trying to throw her, and Kira digging in deeper. Finally someone saw that I was bleeding from the spurs.

She was mortified. I was slowly brought back to being a human by taking my tack and costume off, bringing me back layer by layer to my human skin. She and I talked about what happened, and we were all fine, but it taught me that if you plan to do anything really physically tough (a horse-breaking scene or a greased pig catch, say), consider working out nonverbal cues as a form of safeword. If the animal comes to a dead stop, for example, it’s a good sign that something is wrong. If they are not fully in animal head space and can talk, try using a partial language system. Many folks use stomping or barking to indicate yes and no—one bark, yes, two barks, no. Other options involve pet versions of head shakes—up and down for yes, side to side for no. Perhaps you will develop a system where someone needing to go to the bathroom will paw at the bathroom door.

Fully character or animal-invested individuals might be fine with playing beyond what you would do with an actual animal, but are you? If you are the handler, trainer, or pet owner, consider what your limits are for playing with individuals who have “become” animals. Perhaps you were delighted to have your sexy kittygirl lick you for hours on end, but if she no longer seems to understand English and is acting like an actual cat, how do you feel about engaging with her sexually? Do you feel it crosses the line into a bestiality fantasy, or is it just good clean fun? It is important to observe these limits during a scene, and discuss your behavior with your partner when they are fully human again.

But what happens if your pet does something inappropriate? If they are acting a way because it is in alignment with their persona, look at how you might react to an actual animal that had behaved that way. Is it squirt bottle time for the unruly cat, or a swat on the ass with a rolled up newspaper for the naughty puppy? If your pet does something silly—laugh! If he can’t open up the plastic bag because he’s a kitten in mitts (or has socks taped over his hands), help the poor kitty out. Say, “Poor kitty, let me get that for you.” If she’s a happy and jumpy puppy and you are trying to focus on a task, chide her like the bad dog she is.

But if your lover or play partner actually does something that upsets you, pause or stop the role playing. Do not try to work out your anger and frustration by using the scene as an excuse to literally kick your human dog. This applies to the animal role player as well. If you and your partner are having a challenge in your life together, don’t just pee on the rug to get even. Discuss real issues in a human-to-human dialogue.

Once we have explored the fun and the silliness, the sexiness and the sensuality, the fierceness and more of our characters, some of us may be done. There is nothing wrong with trying out a character once, having fun, and moving on. Others want to come back to their personas again and again, setting regular kitty play date nights or creating a cue to indicate when they are in kitty character, such as putting on a collar.

Remember, this is your scene, your play, your desires. Make human animal role play the best for everyone involved. Let it feel silly, let it feel profoundly intimate and connecting—it’s all okay. And if your play has just gone crazy, be willing to do what good pet owners have always done since time immemorial: curse, swear, laugh, spit, cuddle up with your pet, and be in the moment. Tomorrow, maybe you’ll switch roles and be Lord Eduardo, King of the Goats.

Do you want to explore your dominant female side? Want to be that take-charge, fierce woman of danger and mystery, who gets what she wants while putting her partners through their paces? Do you want to feel confident in your sensual power, but are uncertain where to start? Or maybe you’re having urges of erotic power but are turned off by the tacky clichés of bad bitches? Perhaps your lover has requested you to take control and you find yourself wrestling with confusion and conflict. You’re not alone in any of this.

A word about terminology here: In this chapter I use the term femme often. I prefer not to define it too narrowly, but rather let it elicit your subjective impression of what is feminine or female. It applies to your inner experience of the feminine, beyond gender and orientation. We all harbor feminine, masculine, and androgyne aspects in ourselves. Here I am addressing the individual expression of the feminine in the state of play and pleasure.

Media and SM fiction would make it seem that the archetypal leather-clad dominant woman springs fully formed from the dark recesses of society, ready to scream like a banshee with whip in hand. The truth is that the real sexually dominant woman walks among us. She’s at your workplace. She’s on the commute with you. She’s strolling past you with a latte in hand. To understand the dominant woman, or to become her, step away from the common kinky expectations and consider who she really is. Strip away the corny SM stereotype, and what you have is a femme in possession of power, sensuality, and most importantly, herself. I’m certain you’ve met her.

There are the classic icons of sexy dominant women: Dietrich, Cleopatra, Mata Hari, Scheherazade, Lady Murasaki, and Madame Du Barry. There are pop icons of femme power, such as Catwoman, Madonna, Wonder Woman, Lara Croft, and the like. But don’t forget the power femme in the everyday woman. She gracefully faces the obstacles and challenges of life with humor and determination, and creates her own success and destiny. That’s most certainly a woman of potency and substance. Consider all the challenges you’ve faced and the confidence you’ve gained from them. There is a power femme within you, waiting to be unleashed in the bedroom.

The heart of feminine potency and feminine dominance is simple, but far from easy or formulaic. It’s confidence. No step-by-step instructional on female domination can teach the confidence that leads to the uniquely sexy allure of the femme. No technical classes on flogging, bondage, or kink skills can create the powerful femme. No collection of leather, corsetry, latex, shoes, or other fetish accessories will make a woman sexually self-actualized. The essence of femme allure is simple, but it is certainly not easy to come by.

HOW TO FIND YOUR POWER SOURCE: THE ARCHETYPE

One of the most effective ways to begin identifying your power femme within is the Archetype Exercise. It’ll take a while to do this, so take your time. You will need a piece of paper and a pen.

Consider this question: Who personifies the alluring powerful femme for me?

The question is trickier than it looks. Don’t just start writing down names; think carefully about your life, about which women have influenced you with their charisma, their confidence, their sensuality. The answers may be different than you expect. Although the names you write down will be those of other women, this exercise is all about you.

Give answers in as many of the following categories as you can:

What names do you come up with? For me, women such as Catherine Deneuve, Mae West, Catwoman, Cleopatra, Amaterasu Omikami (the Japanese sun goddess), Brunnhilde, and my grandmother come to mind. These are but a few in a long list of women I admire for their allure as power femme icons.

Now write those names in a column on the left side of the paper. Write as many as you can think of—the more, the better! You can do it in one sitting, or put down the list and go back to it from time to time. You may also want to bounce the question around with your partner or friends. Other icons for me are the Oiran (the highest-ranking courtesans of Japan), RuPaul, Emma Peel, prison wardens, Lauren Bacall, Borg Queen, or Drill Sergeant Rainey from my own basic training days.

ARCHETYPE EXERCISE WORKSHEET

Once you feel that you’ve done a pretty thorough job of listing your icons of powerful femininity, focus on each one individually and write down what makes her a power femme for you. You can use words, phrases, or thought fragments. Just brainstorm and let the words flow—don’t worry about whether the attributes you’re noting are historically accurate. Write down your impressions of these women and what you feel makes them iconically femme and powerful. It’s purely subjective.

Take Catherine Deneuve, for example. I can say with confidence that she has a great sense of style. I cannot say with any certainty, however, that she feels vulnerable or that she understands her vulnerability to be part of her power. But I believe Deneuve does just that as an actress, so I would write that down. Some of the traits may not seem complimentary or flattering. Amaterasu Omikami was said to be fickle; Dietrich may have been selfish. Remember that the femme is not always about sweetness and light, or sugar and spice and everything nice. Sometimes the darker qualities of these femmes are exactly what make them so alluring—it is what makes them femmes fatales. Light cannot exist without shadow. Make sure to list the dark attributes as well as the light ones. Do this for all the names you’ve listed.

You will now have two columns on a piece of paper: your icon names on the left and their attributes on the right. Now put the list aside and go do something fun. Maybe you suddenly feel a need to find a lipstick in the most perfect shade of red. Good. Go and do something that pleases you. With a refreshed mind, revisit the list. Fold the paper so you can only see the attributes column on the right.

This right column is the index of your inner power femme attributes. Are you surprised? What words reappear? What theme is constant? What traits are you uneasy or uncomfortable with? It’s difficult to see our own powerful qualities—we look at others and project upon them what we value as femininity and power. They are our mirrors; they do what we wish we could. Sometimes our admiration of these women feels like a guilty pleasure. Why else would the great villain-esses be so attractive? Unfortunately, even in the most progressive Western cultures, women are often discouraged from being self-congratulatory. Many women never fully develop their own image of power or honestly acknowledge their own strengths. It’s safer and more comfortable to admire the power in others than to recognize and cherish it within us. A residual effect of having been historically the “second sex” is the inability to see the strength within.

Your personal power femme icons are mirrors of your own potential. Recognize this and it will help you reevaluate your concept of feminine power. How does it feel that these iconic women are part of you? What do you value in your own power, the light as well as the dark? To put it another way, if you were your power femme icon, what would give you great pleasure? What would you do? What would you have someone do for you?

Do you feel blocked about going full tilt using your power and enjoying your dominance? Maybe you’re suffering from mismatched expectations. Do you feel put upon by your partner’s demands? Do elements of your power femme attributes conflict with your partner’s fantasy? Where desires and expectations conflict, discontent arises. Let’s say that your lover thinks a sexually dominant woman should dress, act, talk, and play a certain way. You act on that and it feels odd and awkward. Why? It’s because your traits and desires are in conflict with your lover’s vision of your part in their fantasy. Drop the expectations and engage in sweet selfishness in the bedroom! This is the arena for asking for what you want and what would please you. If a sexually dominant woman can’t be true to her desires, then she’s nothing but a puppet acting her way to certain dissatisfaction and burnout.

Your attribute lists should be pretty long. Would you manifest all of these personae or aspects of your power at any given point during play? No. But it would serve you well to find which of these traits best describe you for that night’s play. Do you feel demanding, neutering, coy, bitchy, precise, vulnerable, or delicate? Let the elements that ring truest to you in that moment rule your dominant femme space. Call them your moods or appetites, if you wish. You’ll be conducting yourself in a manner that is true to your core, not merely playacting someone else’s idea of a sexually dominant woman.

Return to your worksheet and take a look at the left column of power femme icon names. Many of the names that you listed are potential sources of roles for you and your partner to play. If Cleopatra made your list, consider the role of the imperious ancient queen. This gives you plenty of opportunity for dress-up. Dressing up as characters other than your everyday self may feel a bit silly at first, but it’s all in the name of fun and pleasure. Read Chapter 11, Stop, Drop, and Role! Erotic Role Playing, and incorporate those skills into your dominant appetites and attributes. Dressing up for SM role-play games can free you from your accustomed good manners and limitations. Maybe you would never order your partner around, but the Queen of the Nile certainly would!

Are you worried that your dominant femme traits in the bedroom might take over your everyday life in negative ways? The act of putting on and taking off role-play costumes provides a clear demarcation of when imperious behavior is appropriate and when it ends. It also gives your partner a clear delineation of when a certain type of relationship starts and ends. It’s a healthy way to create boundaries and keep playtime special and distinct.

WHAT REALLY TURNS ON A SUBMISSIVE PARTNER

Here’s a dirty little truth: what deeply arouses your partner isn’t the long list of activities they listed in their negotiations. There’s no doubt that those activities are important and enjoyable; however, it’s your presence and delivery that makes or breaks the experience. It’s about attitude! If the submissive senses that your heart isn’t in it and you’re just faking it as you deliver the spankings or other ministrations, it kills the thrill. It’s 10 times worse than faking orgasms—which is pretty criminal in itself. The submissive may go along with it just to have an “itch” scratched, while you perform to their expectations—creating a vicious cycle of destructive noncommunication. This can only end in ugly resentments.

In the same way that you now have your personal list of power femme attributes and personae that are authentic to you, every submissive has their list of Dream Domme attributes. Most bottoms and submissives haven’t thought about this, as standard SM negotiations tend to focus exclusively on activities at the cost of intention, mood, and emotional needs. Find out what dominant demeanor makes them weak in the knees. If that matches your styles of dominance, you have the golden key to inspiring deep submission and unparalleled joy in them. Now add technically delightful play and you’ve just created magic for them.

To find out what dominant style your partner is keyed in to, put them through a stealthy version of the Archetype Exercise. You could hand them the form, but since that wouldn’t be sexy or fun for many people, disguise it as an ordinary conversation. Perhaps after a movie with a particularly strong female character, or sharing a book with power femme leads, tease out a conversation about who they believe embodies powerful femininity. Ask what makes these women so fantastic. Keep the conversation going, perhaps over several different occasions, and the pattern will emerge clearly. Did they mention words and phrases similar to your own power femme attribute list? If so, you’re set for success!

Some of your partner’s favorite power femme attributes may not match yours. Don’t force them to match—don’t try to act like something you’re not. For example, you’ll never find “ice queen” on my list—I’m just too goofy for that. If I attempted to be the Ice Queen domme, even my best rope bondage scene would feel stiff, staged, and boring. So what to do? I would find another key phrase or attribute that the submissive mentioned that is more my style. Maybe it was “clever,” “cruel,” “creative,” or “controlling.” Now, those I can do. They’re in my light and dark lists.

Don’t hesitate about trying on a new style. If it feels good, keep it and add it to your style list. If it doesn’t fit right, drop it from your list and move on. Whatever you do should please you.

THE GOOD DOMINANT

What makes for a dominant of quality? In the flood of information circulating in publications and media and on the net, sometimes the young power femme may feel a bit overwhelmed. It’s easy to lose sight of the basics in a frenzy of information gathering.

Effective dominance comes from the core of the person. This is why it’s essential to know your archetypes and attributes. No amount of fetish wear can make a dominant out of a woman who hasn’t worked on her power and grace within. Having a collection of great toys won’t make you a great domme either—it just means that you know where to shop. The same goes for skills. Knowing a lot of techniques does not alone make you a great domme. It’ll make you a skilled top, but that’s different from being a dominant. You might be a good service top, a lovely submissive sadist, or a fine egalitarian sadist, but these are all different—though no less valid—than being a dominant.

Conversely, you can be dressed in nothing more than ordinary daily clothing, using no equipment and displaying no particular flashy techniques, and still demonstrate deep and powerful dominance.

A fine domme understands when dominant behavior is appropriate. She knows when to go into domme mode and when to turn it off. She knows that she is not in a Dominant/submissive relationship with the entire world and that the tone and attitude of dominance wielded upon unconsenting people will only earn her their contempt and disrespect. Only misguided, insecure bullies display such behavior. She doesn’t let the dominant energy bleed into an egalitarian relationship once a hot scene has ended. If she is in a Dominant/submissive or Master/slave relationship, she understands that her dominance may be expressed differently even within that relationship. What she does in the bedroom or dungeon with her submissives would be quite different from what she would do at the submissive’s workplace.

Never forget that the ultimate aphrodisiac for the sub is the dominant’s genuine self-confidence. Sometimes it may come off as cockiness, but the difference between the cocky and the self-confident is the source of validation. The cocky dominant needs to see her greatness reflected in the eyes of others, while the confident dominant knows what her powers are and accepts them. She has taken inventory of and is comfortable with her own talents, skills, assets, and strengths. She is confident enough to see her own flaws clearly.

If a dominant cracks a whip in the woods and there are no submissives to hear it, is she still a domme? Absolutely! A dominant is not defined by the other—in this case, the presence of a submissive. She is defined by a sense of self and comfort in her own identity as an erotically dominant woman. She knows that the need to define herself by the others around her is a sign of false confidence. Every dominant will find herself single from time to time, whether by circumstance or by choice. Her relationship status does not change who she is fundamentally.

The ultimate power is that of persuasion. To get the submissive or bottom to want to do for you what you command of them—that’s dominance. Any fool with a scary weapon can force another to do things against his or her will. That’s the power of the brutish, the power of fearful people and those lacking in self-confidence. The art of the domme is in using her persuasive powers to bring out a desire previously unaroused in the submissive.

As one of my favorite teachers and authors, Joseph Bean, loves to say: “The number one job of the dominant is to continually seduce consent from the bottom.”

The deep intimacy and connection that genuine Dominance/submission creates verges on magic. There is a moment during the most amazing scenes when the rest of the world melts away, leaving a universe of two, the domme and the sub. In a universe of two, the domme is divine, for that brief moment and in that time-warped space. To accept this, she must be humble. She must know that she is but a mortal woman at all other times.

Such humility has the amazing effect of creating a calm aura around the domme, giving her an air of grace and elegance that is deeply alluring. Her sincere humility and grace earns the domme quiet respect from those around her, and most certainly the respect of her submissive.

Without respect, there is no leadership. Without leadership, there is no dominance, only boorishness.

Even the cool and aloof have their ways of showing respect and thanks. A femme domme respects the humanity of the submissive even after the most intense objectification scene. She is thankful for the act of submission given, even when it may appear externally as if it were wrenched from the submissive. She knows that, in the end, it is the submissive who actively chooses surrender. She knows how difficult true surrender is and is in awe of that. She knows that it takes the truly strong and self-aware to fully submit and she shows gratitude for that appropriately.

She knows that the limits and emotional vulnerabilities of others must be respected. This includes respecting the limits of nonparticipating parties who may prefer not to have to deal with a wantonly splattered dominant attitude. It includes respecting the limits placed by the submissive, for this consideration allows the submissive to feel truly safe with her. Such a sense of safety often leads to deeper surrender. As a dear friend of mine, David V., says: “Always be respectful in spirit, even if the scene is not.”

A dominant of quality knows clearly what she enjoys in kink play. If she doesn’t, she’ll simply be pushed by other people’s desires and projected expectations. Like a leaf floating in the current of a fast river, she will be haunted by a vague sense of helplessness and lack of control. What’s a dominant if she doesn’t have control over her own pleasure? Always know your limits and displeasures just as well as your thrills. The art of the polished domme is in setting boundaries gracefully in such a way that that the submissive delights in this firmness.

She also knows where her flaws and weaknesses are and accepts them. She is strong enough to know that covering up with bravado and pretending her flaws don’t exist is a pathetic game played by insecure dominants. She also knows where her technical limitations are and knows how to work around them to avoid undue risk. She knows when to seek more learning to increase her skills, and does so without making each step of dominance education a battle of egos. When she makes an error, which she knows will happen from time to time, she sees the error she has made and acknowledges it. Then she does what needs to be done to correct the situation and moves on. She neither ignores the error nor overreacts to it.

The dominant of quality understands the power of decisiveness. Each action is committed with mindfulness, whether arrived at by conscious thought and decision or by instinct. The person who openly waffles in the act appears to have no control. It is fine to wonder about other choices and consider them in one’s mind. It is also fine to seek counsel and advice. Do that with decisiveness as well.

The realistic dominant knows that with decisiveness comes the potential for less than optimal outcomes. She strives to be aware of consequences. She takes responsibility for her actions and, once again with decisiveness, grace, and compassion, handles those consequences.

A FEW PRACTICAL TIPS FOR A SCENE

Here are a few basic tips to help you begin creating fulfilling scenes with your partner:

Once you’ve negotiated a scene with your partner (see Chapter 1 for negotiation tips), put your satisfaction first. Focus on the activities on their wish list that will give you certain pleasure.

Focus on enjoying one or two simple activities thoroughly, even if your partner’s wish list is as long as your arm. It’s better to do a few things well than many things poorly. Leaving them wanting more is a very desirable thing.

The blindfold is your friend. Blindfolded, every touch and action you create is a thrilling mysterious pleasure for your partner. Blindfolded, your lover will not see you fumbling, expressing bafflement, or removing your high heels.

Whenever you feel uncertain, take a slow breath and ask yourself, What would please me right now? Then follow through with what would please you.

Engage power femme posture! Stand up straight, hold your head high, roll your shoulders back, lift your chest, and pull your navel toward your uterus. Try this in scene and out of scene, and feel how it affects your sense of confidence.

To reduce the possibility of scene failure, begin and end the scene with activities that both of you enjoy, and try new activities in the middle. If a new activity doesn’t work for either of you, at least you’ll wrap up with pleasure, familiarity, and confidence.

Dominant femmes deserve after-scene care. What would you like that to be? Ask for it before the scene and insist upon it after the scene.

Learn and practice whenever the opportunity presents itself. Take as many classes and educational events as you can. Try classes on topics new, exotic, scary, or mysterious to you. Workshops are great places to explore these subjects safely while giving you space to decide whether you like it.

Have fun! Whether your style is sweet and nurturing or fierce and demanding, or anything in between, remember that this is always about pleasure.

Enjoy your journey and savor your pleasures.

It was the third SM play party I had ever attended. Since I was one of the organizers, it was up to me (and my cohost) to get things started, even though I was barely more experienced at group sex than most of the guests. That lovely lady (let’s call her Fanny) was gracious enough to let me drag her into the center of the room and tie her up on all fours. She was a slender redhead with Celtic knots tattooed on her shoulders. The brightly entwined lines morphed into plants and fantastical animals as the design spilled onto her upper arms. She had long, very curly red hair, so she looked like a Raphaelesque angel you had divested of its robe and got ass-up and begging for cock. Like magic, as soon as we took off some of our clothes, everybody else formed couples and triads and got out their toys.

Fanny really, really, really wanted me to put my biggest strap-on in her ass. I did preliminary play with my fingers, an ass plug, and my second-biggest dildo. I massaged her, talked dirty to her, slipped lube into her butt, and played with her nipples. But her ass would only open so far. We had reached a plateau.

My pervy little angel was whispering something. Given the volume of the music and other players, the only thing I could hear was “Please, Sir.” I leaned forward, but I couldn’t get close enough to her head to decipher the whole message while I was manipulating a slender vibrator in her butt.

“Speak up!” I finally roared, letting a little of my frustration show in my voice.

“Get my belt!” she shouted, matching my volume. Apparently she was feeling a bit more frustrated than I was.

A passerby was kind enough to find her jeans and tug her simple leather belt out of the loops. I put down the vibes and plugs and dildos and picked up the supple length of that ordinary article of clothing. Suddenly it seemed vested with power and fear, an implement that might help us cross the line into a new realm of experience. I doubled it up and smacked her with it, drawing a broad red stripe across her pale, shapely ass, increasing the force until she was shuddering and dragging on the ropes. She had told me that she liked pain, but I didn’t really get it until I saw her clawing at the leather tabletop, having what looked and sounded like an orgasm.

After that, we had no trouble getting my fat, 10-inch cock into her ass. She was as relaxed as could be. And if she did begin to tense up, all I had to do was trail the belt down her buttocks, pressing gently on her welts, to make her sigh and melt into me. It was a grand fuck, one of my first experiences with combining pain and pleasure, doing a scene that looked vanilla but most certainly was not.

Would this technique work with anybody? No. You have to start with at least some of the hardwiring for masochism. If you do have that hardwiring, should you be expected to stand up and get bull-whipped for an hour, with no warm-up, to entertain a crowd at a leather community fund-raiser for breast cancer? Only if you are an exceptionally heavy player and such an exhibitionist that nothing matters but the spectators. But can you perhaps learn to take a bit more, and then a bit more, to please a lover and yourself? Yes.

SOME DEFINITIONS

In this article I use the term masochism to refer to the desire and the ability to become aroused and perhaps even climax while experiencing sensations that other people avoid. Although I talk about pain and discomfort, it should be understood that once a masochist is aroused and in a state of surrender to these intense sensations, they are not experiencing the kind of pain that someone who is ill or traumatized feels when they are shocked by how torturous it can be to have a body. I also want to note that there are masochists who seek out pain even if it does not arouse them; willingly tolerating hurt can have a number of positive results, which will be clear a little further on.

Unfortunately, the stigma of the label masochism has been perpetuated by sex-negative doctors, psychologists, and other mental health “professionals” whose vocabularies lack precision. So-called experts get away with claiming that masochism is unhealthy because they use the term loosely to describe other types of human behavior as well. Patients who stay in violent relationships, allow themselves to be exploited by employers or family members, can’t take control over their own lives, or harm themselves physically and emotionally are referred to as exhibiting masochism. Most of these people haven’t got a kinky bone in their bodies. Yet people who enjoy being spanked, whipped, pinched, bitten, etc. because it gives them an erotic rush and makes them feel closer to their partners are also called masochists.

This flawed logic has resulted in the diagnosis “sexual masochism” appearing in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual-IV TR (DSM-IV-TR), the industry standard for mental-health bureaucracy. “Sexual sadism” is in there, too. You can’t write a case report, create a treatment plan, or (most importantly) bill an insurance company without using the DSM’s nomenclature of supposed dysfunction.

Is there any objective proof that people who get wet during a spanking are also getting ripped off financially, intimidated by bullies, anorexic, being battered, or likely to engage in self-mutilation? No. And there never will be, because we are conflating two separate categories of human experience. One is a sexual identity or experience; the other is a state of disenfranchisement, oppression, traumatization, or self-hatred. People consent to the former; they wish they could escape the latter. The earliest attempts to educate mental-health professionals about BDSM focused on the fact that this was a sexual style based on consent and negotiation. These were pleasurable acts committed by adults who chose to enjoy kinky sex. This message reached a certain number of people. But it is very difficult to overturn generations of fear and disgust. For many “experts” whose credentials allowed them to pronounce on our mental health (or sickness), the fact that people would consent to do these things became proof that BDSM players had to be mentally ill. If you weren’t crazy, this reasoning goes, you wouldn’t want to do these things or agree to have them done to you. For therapists who are judgmental about sexual variation, the fact that someone would consent to wearing a pair of nipple clamps or having their face slapped just proves that they are indeed sick and unable to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy experiences. And the person who does such awful things to them is a monster.

For alleged social scientists to judge human sexuality this way is embarrassing. The assumption that variant sexualities are mental illnesses has more to do with conservative religious values than it does with objective observation. If a mental state or human behavior is unhealthy, we ought to be able to demonstrate that it makes that person unhappy, interferes with their ability to give and receive love, prevents them from setting goals that give them a sense of fulfillment, and injures their health. It’s not enough to say BDSM is sick or crazy because most people don’t do it. Most people don’t become concert pianists or Olympic athletes, either. These are individual dreams of excellence that cause people to devote a great deal of time and effort to perfecting their abilities. If you took away the opportunity to compete in their chosen field, these “minority members” would be devastated. Does that prove they are addicted or coerced into loving classical music or diving from high places? You can see how this line of thinking breaks down if we ask some reasonable questions.

This is not to say that BDSMers (or our relationships) are always happy and strong. Our community has its share of people who are mean-spirited or manipulative or crackers. Some of us find romantic love and lots of sex with ease; others experience higher levels of loneliness and unsatisfied desire. But this is simply the human condition. It’s okay for us to be imperfect. We struggle, like anyone else, to figure out what sort of relationships are ethical or will meet our needs, how to communicate unwelcome information to a partner, whether to let a conflict result in separation or rededication to the relationship. That doesn’t prove that we are sick or crazy. As long as we are conscious of our own and others’ well-being, and striving to contribute to that, we are on a good path and we don’t need to engage in harmful self-criticism.

AN ALTERNATIVE VIEW OF MASOCHISM

How many times have you heard someone say, “Pain is a warning that our bodies are in danger”? It sounds like a truism. But, like most assumptions, it deserves a closer look. While pain can be a symptom of disease or injury, human beings have always sought to control their reaction to pain. If we couldn’t tolerate at least some discomfort, sadness, anxiety, or less-than-wonderful physical states, how would any of us get through an ordinary day—much less deal with hard work or a chronic illness?

For millions of years, people have deliberately constructed painful situations and faced them to obtain a number of different benefits. In some societies, painful ordeals or body modification mark an individual’s transition from childhood to adulthood. Obtaining spiritual guidance has often required a sacrifice, to prove the seriousness of one’s intent and create an altered state that allows communication between this world and other realms. Consciously choosing to suffer discomfort has resulted in the acquisition of wisdom, experiencing divine rapture, obtaining healing, and locating and killing meat for the cooking pot. Whether the goal is mundane or transcendental, the ability to use our hearts and minds to convince our bodies to continue to function while we are aching (or worse) is the hallmark of courage, loyalty, and strength.

One of the most painful physical events a human being can endure is the birth of a child. Are women “masochistic” because they endure pregnancy and birth?

The rituals and other trials I described above are not examples of sexual masochism. But they highlight the physiological reasons why it’s possible for us to get aroused by pain. When our bodies feel stress, they autonomously produce chemicals that help us cope. We may pant, bringing extra oxygen into our bodies. Adrenaline, endorphins, and natural narcotics flood our nervous system. Euphoria and agony are next-door neighbors—you can’t break that paradoxical connection. And if you are not willing to tolerate contradictions and paradoxes, human behavior will never make much sense to you.

Postindustrial Western societies romanticize sex. To some extent, this is good. I wouldn’t want to go back to a time when premarital sex hardly existed, women had no sexual autonomy, and marriages were arranged by the couple’s families. Falling in love is a good reason to be together, even if its initial intensity can rarely be sustained forever.

We’ve come to expect a level of intimacy and understanding or rapport, especially in the first stages of sexual experience, that very few lovers can sustain. Some women’s first experience of intercourse is easy; others feel varying degrees of twinginess or even a stab of pain when the hymen is broken. But even after that inconvenience is eliminated, it takes some practice for two bodies (especially two bodies of dissimilar gender) to create a mutual rhythm of lovemaking. Being able to tolerate discomfort or even get turned on by it may be one of the things that helps us put up with each other long enough to get better at providing pleasure.

On an online message board for kinky women, a conversation took place about why experiencing pain makes some women get wet. In less civilized times, getting hurt might be a signal that sexual assault was going to occur. One or two of them speculated that this reflex might have helped their gender survive rape.

I have no idea whether most women or only a handful get physically excited by roughness or pain. Even if this reaction occurs, it does not justify violence against women. Rape is evil because it involves using another’s body as if they were an object, ignoring the person inside and their response to it. Most of the time, rape is an unpleasant and squalid experience that has no pleasurable content. But even if rape results in an orgasm for the victim, I assert that it is as evil to give someone an orgasm against their will as it is to fuck them while preventing them from coming.

We like to think of pleasure as good and pain as bad, but the Shadow side of us sees through that simplistic thinking. I have seen more hatred expressed in an act of vanilla sex than I could believe, and I have seen inexpressible tenderness while one partner bled and the other inhaled their pain like the bouquet of a rare wine.

WHO’S THERE?

This “big picture” stuff is fun to think about, discuss, and research. But it’s a little too abstract to help two people who want to branch out in the bedroom and get into some daunting activities. How can you make your socially unacceptable, thigh-squeezing, nubby-nippled, ball-tightening dreams come true?

It helps to give some preliminary thought to the psychology of both top and bottom. When I do workshops on BDSM role playing, I like to give participants four different scales that they can use to rate themselves, for masochism, sadism, submission, and dominance. Each of these qualities is independent of the others. I’ve met dominant masochists and submissive sadists, for example.

Why someone is going to inflict or accept a sensation is as important as who will be playing each part. A masochist may be willing to pretend they are submissive just so they can get whipped till they cry. Without the catharsis of a good workout on a regular basis, the masochist gets cranky and sluggish and depressed. As long as they are black-and-blue, they are perky and industrious. You may get more out of a masochist if you dispense with courtesies such as waiting at the table or picking up heavy things and letting them tell you which implements they adore, which ones they laugh at, and which ones strike terror into their hearts. I’ve seen joyous and amazing pain play that had not a shred of role playing in it. (This does not mean, by the way, that a masochist cannot be quite loyal and helpful to you, if only because you see and value a side of them that the world despises.)

A submissive may not like pain at all unless it is presented as a service that they are required to perform for the master or mistress. It is the submissive’s obligation to provide service and give pleasure—to yield and submit to a higher will. Pain can be administered as a symbol of ownership. “I can do this to you because you belong to me, and you will take it because it excites and relaxes me.”

If you don’t know where you fit in this complex picture, don’t worry about it too much. It can take a lot of experience to figure out your own psychic twists and turns. Very few of us are exclusively top or bottom. If there wasn’t at least a crumb of masochism in the sadist, how could he or she understand what they are asking the bottom to do? Not to mention the fact that people’s needs often change as life changes them. Even if you know your pain tolerance can be rated on the heavy end of the scale, be prepared for its fickleness. There will be nights when the paddle that you worshipped last time is just too evil to be borne. Remember that the point of doing a scene is how it makes you feel, not the techniques or toys being used. A good top understands this, and won’t throw a hissy if you need to be beaten with a terry-cloth bathrobe tie.

I hope it won’t completely confuse the issue to say that not all pain trips require a top and a bottom. Some people who create ordeals view themselves as spiritual guides or assistants; they don’t want a romantic relationship. I’ve heard hot stories of two competitive bottoms who got together to see who would use their safeword first. And, during those periods of drought when the bars and parties and clubs seem populated by toads and trolls, the self-infliction of sexy pain is a very nice adjunct to masturbation. Who could you trust more than yourself?

SET AND SETTING

The terms set and setting were coined by Timothy Leary to describe factors that determine the experience of ingesting psychedelic drugs. It is useful to consider these factors because they influence the emotional content of an event, whether it is theater, long-distance running, or therapy. Set has to do with the participants’ mind-set, the internal processes that can either enhance or destroy pleasure. Setting refers to the location where the event takes place—what you see, smell, touch, hear, and feel around you.

These factors are highly individual. If the steps I suggest don’t sound effective for you, you are the best judge of that. But at least I can give you some specific ideas that have proven their worth for me and other players. This can help you pin down your own experimental parameters. And after every session, it’s a good idea to discuss what did and didn’t work, with an eye to brainstorming new possibilities for erotic play. If you must give your partner negative feedback, express it with tenderness, and surround your misgivings with praise for what did work. Both top and bottom make themselves equally vulnerable in a session. If the only thing you can come up with is a barrage of criticism or inflated demands, the two of you are probably incompatible.

Take a look at the space where the scene is going to happen. Do enough preparation so that the two of you can be spontaneous. Everything you are going to need should be in the room. Leave the room if you must, but be aware you are opening the oven and letting some of the heat out. When you return, you’ll need to back up a little and build up to the point you reached when the two of you broke connection.

The room needs to be clean—well, for most fetishes. Toys ought to be organized, in good repair, and accessible. Lube and safe-sex barriers should be in clear view. Rope ought to be untangled, clean, inspected for weaknesses, and laid out so it won’t turn into a snarl the minute the top touches it. If you are going to play with locking devices, make sure there are extra keys, and that both of you know where they are.

Think of this as foreplay. You can start getting excited by your own sexiness, and by anticipating your partner’s presence. Touching your toys and disinfecting a play surface is like caressing your own body. Your energy, sense of purpose, or consciousness starts gathering into a focus on Eros.

Before you play, ask yourself what makes you feel alluring and powerful. (I am including bottoms here because you need your own strength. The session comes from you as much as, if not more than, from the top.) Take the time and trouble to dress up, even if you are only wearing a beautiful collar or a badass pair of boots. Get enough rest and eat a healthy meal a couple of hours before you play.

I’m going to assume that you’ve already been educated about how to negotiate a scene, get any needed consent, choose a safeword, etc. I’m also going to assume that you know your way around the toys or equipment you will use. This is an article about pain play in general; describing every single technique is beyond my scope. Never pretend to have experience that you lack. There is honor only in being honest about this and making sure you get trained to an expert level.

Unless you are the Ice Queen escorting your latest paramour to your frigid palace, I recommend taking the bottom into a warm room. Loose, relaxed muscles are going to accept building sensations more easily. I also suggest taking away one of your bottom’s senses, if only for a little while. Using a blindfold or gag is your first demand for control over their body. Can they let go and graciously accede to allowing you to orchestrate their experience?

Take the time to verbally or visually remind the two of you (or your birthday party guests) who it is you are manifesting in this fantasy. In what time or place are you encountering each other? You can do a simple breathing exercise to get grounded in the present. Or perhaps you’ve constructed an elaborate story with chapters and verses. This provides a meaningful context for pain.

During some sessions, the reason for the infliction of pain is elicited from the bottom while they are under duress (“You’re hurting me because I’m a dirty pig!” or “You are giving me pain to push me out of my body, so I can fly free.”) In the past, I have said that it is the top’s responsibility to determine what each action means and share that significance with the bottom. But I have come to see that finding this underlying meaning is really a joint project. It may be a conspiracy that can be verified by silently meeting each other’s eyes, or it may be a sudden revelation that has to be shouted or whispered aloud. You may find the answer in your own heart or see it emerging in the shape of your partner’s face. It can be an old friend, an enemy, or a complete surprise.

Arousing the bottom is an important first step, unless you are playing with a rare and wonderful creature who needs pain to get aroused. Give your partner a brief massage. Highlight the genitals but don’t give them too much attention. You want to create anticipation by teasing. If the bottom has a favorite toy that already gets them going, why not begin with that. Proceed from the familiar to the unfamiliar. Bondage can be very helpful. It allows the bottom to feel contained and secure, and gives them something to pull on when things get exciting.

I dearly love to mix sexual stimulation with gradually increasing levels of pain. I also want to keep the bottom awake and responsive, so I won’t use the same implement for too long. If I am whipping someone, I switch between implements that go “thud” and skinny, flexible tools that sting. As blood rises to the surface of the skin, it becomes more sensitive; sometimes running your fingertips or a piece of fur over the skin is exquisite, almost too much so. I also like to vary dry skin versus wet during a whipping or spanking. Generally, wet skin is more sensitive.

Alternating with the bad behavior, I am kissing the bottom, stroking their body, locating various erogenous zones, and titillating them. I want them to need my touch. Winning pleasure is a reward for enduring or enjoying a low level of pain. Be patient with this type of training. It can take several sessions before you begin to see the bottom opening up and allowing you to do more and more. Trust can’t always be built in one session.

A bottom who needs safety before they can take down their walls will appreciate being asked how they are doing and reminded that this is all within their control. (It is a common joke among tops who enjoy electrical play that if you give the bottom a control box, they will smartly turn up the dial to levels that were not allowed when the control rested in the top’s hand.) You might think that safety is a universal requirement for all masochists, but I have found instead that a certain amount of realism may be necessary to unlock an erotic response to higher levels of pain. If you really are a captive, you know you will have to take more than the person who is playing at being a captive.

Fear is the most powerful obstacle to building up a tolerance for and erotic response to pain. It may sound corny, but I love to recite the Bene Gesserit rite about pain from the Dune novels. Get the bottom to pay attention to what is really going on, right now, rather than their exaggerated and panicky image of what might happen to them. I find that if I can get a bottom to stick with me for the first 20 minutes or so, a whip or a fistful of clothespins suddenly gets a whole lot easier to take. That’s because naturally occurring chemicals are beginning to hit the bloodstream, turning “pain” into “wheeee”!

If you are able to feel energy around yourself and your partner, remind them that you want to link the two of you together. I have found that it often works to create a vocal circuit between me and my partner. When I hurt them, they can open their mouth and by panting or making a noise pass the pain on to me. I take the pain, turn it into pleasure, and push it back into them. (I may be pushing other things into them as well, dirty lowlife that I am.) It’s amazing how often people will experience exactly what you tell them to feel. If you have a certain destination in mind, take the bottom there, one blow or pinch or slap at a time.

If you are playing with a submissive rather than a pure masochist, you can use service-oriented psychology to build tolerance for pain. As I said earlier, the submissive wants to be possessed and yield to another person; they want to be of service. They will take pain if you make it their job to take it. The pain becomes one item on a menu of conduct or sacrifices that you, the master or mistress, demand because it pleases you. Pain becomes a way to demonstrate your control over him or her. But this may not occur to your submissive unless you spell it out. People tend to get confused during play—they are in an altered state. So speak slowly and use simple words if you feel you are not getting through.

CONSENSUAL NONCONSENT

For some bottoms, the object of painful techniques is to be out of control. They do not want a cooperative, mutually negotiated scenario, but rather a nonconsensual fantasy and a fair amount of force. Restraints will have to be strong and escape-proof. They need to struggle and suffer until they reach a phase of liberation or release. They may want to be “broken.” I urge newer players especially to proceed carefully. The emotional consequences of a session can last long after the toys have been put away. So be cautious of a scene this heavy—do you want to take care of a bottom who has lost their will to you? And if you are a bottom seeking a scene of this nature, please take responsibility for your own feelings and needs. It is unethical to expect a top to take on a larger role in your life than they wish to take. Do not engage in harassment or stalking! If you know you will be vulnerable after a heavy scene, arrange care for yourself before you play, so you don’t crash when you are all alone and have no resources to keep you connected to the human race. As sweet as those endorphins are, losing them is a wicked crash.

Many of us associate pain with punishment, and fantasy punishment scenarios abound in BDSM play. There are lots of teachers who paddle unruly students, daddies who have to put little girls (age 32) in the corner, guards who flog convicts who tried to escape, etc. Punishment can put the top and bottom in an adversarial dynamic. If this disturbs you, you may want to require the bottom to admit that they deserve the punishment, and aim the scene toward getting them to feel more attached to you. By beating them, you are driving them toward the safe cage of your possessiveness. Or you may find, as a top, that when you are in a certain wicked mood, you don’t want to make nice, you just want to kick the shit out of somebody who knows they belong on the floor.

In most scenes that include significant levels of discomfort, the bottom will reach a plateau. There are a number of ways to deal with a bottom who says they can’t take any more. One possibility is to take them at their word and end the scene, praising them for what they were able to do. If you feel that they are capable of more and may be disappointed later if they give up, you may want to simply take a break and see if some comfort and protein can screw up their courage once more. If the bottom told you there were certain things they wanted to experience, and the two of you haven’t made that happen yet, they may be motivated to dig a little deeper if you remind them of what their masochistic ambitions were prior to play.

Sometimes people cannot willingly go where they need to go—they have to be taken there. This is a controversial observation, and most people will want to steer clear of it. For most of us, it is safest to stick with the zone of play where we have clear, uncomplicated consent. It’s a dicey proposition for a top to ignore a bottom’s pleas and continue to hurt them until they yield. You wind up manifesting a great deal of the Shadow, and you’ll feel quite a backlash from that.

Once upon a time, play without limits or safewords was very common in the gay men’s leather community. A bottom was expected to do some research on a master before approaching him. Did you really want it, or not? If you made a bid for his attention and he took you home, you were supposed to make yourself available for whatever he liked to do. He was God, and you were dirt. Whining later was seen as sissy bullshit. If you whined, no top would touch you—you were an unreliable coward who might make secret and sacred things public to the authorities.

I appreciate the modern, pansexual kinky community’s desire to keep BDSM safe, sane, and consensual (as the old slogan goes). But I sometimes think we have allowed the pendulum to swing too far in the direction of predictable scenes in which the top functions as an extra pair of hands for the bottom. While it can be a great deal of fun to help your bottom masturbate to their favorite things, is there not some way to make equal space for what the top wants? It is a double bind, being expected to exercise a dark and wonderful power while obsessing with the intricacies of the bottom’s sensitivities, perpetually second-guessing them. A lot of the bottoms I meet nowadays seem terribly spoiled to me, and very unhappy, because they don’t really want to be running things. More than a few good bottoms in our little world seem lost under the current mores. They long for the thrill of encountering the harsh will of an Other who is severe and powerful. Here’s a story about this impasse.

I once participated in a whipping booth at a fund-raiser for the Operation Spanner defendants. (We were raising money for a small, private club of British leathermen who had been arrested and charged with assault for doing consensual SM with each other.) Prospective bottoms were allowed to pick any of several implements and specify the number of strokes and the level of intensity they desired. I was surprised how many eager novices lined up to see what it was all about. This seemed to be a safe way to try new toys and be just a bit of a masochist.

Toward the end of the event, after almost everyone had left, I was ready to pack it in. But one woman was very persistent. When I told her she would not be able to use the tickets she had purchased and offered her a refund, she was quite upset. She told me she had never been caned, she was terrified of it, but she felt so compelled to be caned that she was going out of her mind. She literally begged me to show her what it would be like to be out of control from pain.

So I bent her over the leather whipping bench, held her down with one hand on her lower back, and caned the bejesus out of her. She had asked for a dozen strokes and began to protest when we reached eight. “I have to insist on giving you what you asked for when you first talked to me,” I told her, “because I think that is what you really want and need.” So I hit her quite hard for the last four strokes, then added an additional one—“So you know that everything is not up to you. Sometimes the top will decide what you get.”

She was dizzy when she straightened up, and beaming. So proud of herself and grateful. She fell on my neck and hugged and kissed me. I even got a thank-you card from her years later. Sadly, in all that time, she had encountered no one who would help her over the hump by ignoring her pleas for mercy. What a waste of talent and thrills! Now, there was a potential masochist worth their salt.

But you can see how easily this scenario could have gone all pear-shaped, as our British colleagues would say. If I had been wrong in my assessment of her, she could very easily have come up from the table fighting mad, and justifiably so. She could have accused me of assaulting her. It certainly would have harmed my reputation (such as it is, poor sooty thing) and upset everyone who heard about it. We talk very little, regrettably, about how much the top needs to be able to trust the bottom. Buyer’s remorse can ruin another player’s life.

If it makes your crotch tingle to squeeze someone’s balls until he protests, or take a sharp little blade to her inner thigh, or if you can’t wait to get a blow job after you see the first bruises appear on a healthy pair of buns—well, you are by definition a sadist. The psychiatric experts pity masochists as self-harming fools. But they think sadists are dangerous. The DSM-IV-TR has some very silly things to say about sadists becoming rapists and killers.

The vulnerability of the masochist is plain. There they are, perhaps bound, heart pounding, dreading what is going to happen next, promising themselves that if they can just get through this one session they will never ask to be whipped/ branded/clipped/pierced/squeezed/frozen/tattooed again. But what about the leather-clad bastard who is going to put this poor, naked person through hell? Never mind that the masochist begged and pleaded for it yesterday. The expense of the equipment, the time it took to locate a soundproof space and good bondage equipment, all this effort is seen as self-serving rather than an honest attempt to make the bottom’s dreams come true.

NO-FAULT PLAY

It’s so easy to make a mistake once play begins. People shut down and quit communicating. In semidarkness, a whip may land where it shouldn’t. A game that was great fun two weeks ago is causing flashbacks tonight. The suspension equipment breaks, resulting in a painful fall, or a cane cracks in half and cuts someone. And yet everyone involved in these scenes had the best of intentions, and did everything within reason to be a good play partner.

This is why I recommend a no-fault attitude for BDSM players. As long as both partners respect each other, make a good-faith effort to abide by each other’s limits, and are open to feedback, I think that missteps ought to be understood as part of the price you pay for being on the edge. Indifferent or bad experiences are there to teach us how to avoid them. A couple or group who have an accident ought to give and receive comfort, make up, and keep learning. It takes a lot of experience, and a certain amount of innate talent, to correctly assess and challenge the central nervous system. Luck is a factor as well!

If you take any of the above paragraphs as an excuse for being lazy, negligent, or callous, well, you just ought to go to hell, that’s all I have to say. And I’ll probably be there to shovel some coal on the blaze.

ENOUGH, ALREADY!

In closing, let me bring up one more controversial fact. The heavier the scene, the more both partners experience weariness, anxiety, and aches and pains. It takes a lot of strength, grace, and stamina to work on someone’s body for a prolonged period of time. If you are a switch or a top, what is your attitude toward your own pain tolerance? Do you disapprove of it or ignore it? Do you pretend it doesn’t exist? Or do you work with it to build your own excitement? More than one dominatrix is wearing a pair of nipple clamps under her bustier to keep herself focused on her sniveling client. A famous domme author once referred to her extra-high heels as giving her a useful reservoir of irritability. I find it fascinating that in consensual BDSM, tops and bottoms and switches can all have a relationship with pain as a beloved friend and reward.

Some of my favorite play partners are tops who need a break. I am more than happy to anonymously provide a vacation for them at the other end of the whip. Every partner of mine is entitled to confidentiality. But because our community can be so stupid and judgmental about tops who get tired of always being the one to bark out the orders, I never even note the identities of these people in my journal. (As if anybody could ever read my handwriting.)

When a bottom whimpers and tells me they can’t take any more, I have been known to whip out a pair of needles and pierce my own nipples. While they watch. If I can take it, I ask, why can’t they?

And that’s the perfect place to stop. Because there’s only so much you can learn from reading a book. Go outside and play.

In the dungeon, we entered what Katie and I call “Thunderdome.” Thunderdome is one of those large jungle gym–type things with hundreds of bars linked together to form a half dome. This particular one is rather immense and stands some 12 feet high—tall enough for suspension work. Katie very much enjoys being suspended upside down, so that was the plan for our night, though she had no idea what else I was going to do in this scene. Katie and I have been married for a few years now, and we do not use a safeword that enables her to stop a scene. Of course, if something is terribly wrong or very unsafe, she will bring it to my attention.

I started off by restraining her feet to a metal spreader bar that I had made. After her feet were clamped to the bar, I suspended her upside down from the top of the dome. I lashed her hands together behind her back with deep-red-colored hemp rope that she made for me. The rope is well used and scarred with bloodstains from prior scenes.

As with most times when I have sex with my wife, I did not have an organized plan. What happens is really a matter of what enters my head at the time, so my thoughts and actions are always subject to what she may say or do. For some reason, while I was binding her up, she moved in a direction I did not want. I said something to the effect of “Stop fucking moving.” She instantly began to cry for fear that something unpleasant was going to follow. She would only have this type of reaction during a scene because, in the past, I have punished the part of the body that made the mistake. It keeps her thinking about what not to do. While she cried, I continued my bondage work.

Underneath her were chux pads (medical drop cloths the size of a medium bath towel) to keep the floor clean and collect anything that might come out of her. The vast dungeon was dimly lit in this area, which made clear vision a challenge. Nonetheless, I was able to see the shadows cast by her external jugular veins. Because she was dangling from her feet, the veins in her neck had become engorged with blood.

I felt her neck veins with the pad of my finger, which let her know I was going to draw blood. Because her adrenaline was elevated from the excitement of the scene and she was suspended upside down, I knew I had limited time to work before she might pass out. I placed two holes in one of her jugular veins with an 18-gauge needle. Blood began to squirt from her neck and onto the white chux, and slowly dripped down her face, pooling below her. My cock was very hard at this point and I wanted it inside her. Unfortunately, I hadn’t thought that part all the way through beforehand—it was impossible with her upside down.

My next-best solution was to bring her to orgasm by licking and tasting her pussy. Her legs were spread apart and her waist was at the height of my face, so this worked out well. It did not take long for her to have an orgasm. Her body shuddered and withered against the restraints and even more blood oozed from her neck due to the increased pressure in her body from the orgasm. Okay, I thought, she had her fun. Now it’s my turn.

DOMINANT, TOP, OR SADIST?

Later that evening and the next day, many people spoke to us about the scene and how hot it was. But what did they see? Was I being a Dominant? Many would agree that I was topping. Were there any elements of sadism? Viewing a scene from the outside, it can be difficult to see what the dynamics really are.

I have fulfilled the roles of Dominant, Top, and Sadist at various times in my tenure in the world of BDSM. The names of these roles vary to suit the user; the language can be imprecise. Although you can assume multiple roles simultaneously, I believe there are significant differences worth exploring. The emphasis of this piece will be sadism, since I feel it is the most complex, the least understood, and there are fewer examples of it in the kink community.

A Dominant, a Sadist, or a Top can wield a flogger, and by outward appearances they may appear the same; the difference is in the intent of the flogging, the receiver’s perception, and what you can’t see.

Top is an all-encompassing role; topping describes the actions performed by one person (the Top) on another (the bottom), like wielding the flogger. But topping does not describe behavior. Behavior is how a person conducts himself or interacts with the environment around him. In the case of flogging, a Top’s intent is to flog the bottom, to create various sensations on the bottom’s body. The flogging may be pleasurable for the bottom, even playful and fun. The Top may gain pleasure from the flogging, but not necessarily sexual pleasure. The key element is that these actions do not have to lead to sexual arousal or gratification for the Top or the bottom.

Dominance reflects a set of behaviors or a type of relationship. It is a dynamic where a power exchange takes place; the Dominant accepts control over another person (often, but not always, the submissive), and the submissive gives up control or power to the Dominant. Do not confuse giving up control with giving consent—everything we do is consensual. Dominance can be, but does not have to be, about sexual encounters or sexual gratification. Using flogging as an example again, a Dominant may employ flogging to communicate his control over the submissive’s body, making the submissive bend to his will, achieving the same result as a Top. The Dominant gains personal satisfaction in accepting and exercising this control.

Sadism is a set of behaviors (or fantasies) involving the emotional or physical suffering of another that is sexually exciting to the Sadist. This is all about sexual gratification, nothing else. When a Sadist flogs someone, she wants them to suffer and be in pain at some point. Note that the pain and suffering are not sexually exciting to the bottom.

A Dominant becomes a Top or Sadist within a scene. A Dominant can be sadistic in a scene while he or she is topping. A Sadist does not have to be a Dominant in a scene, and vice versa. I would like to emphasize that dominance is a set of behaviors, not physical actions. As a supervisor in my career field, I have taken numerous behavioral tests, and in every case I was classified as “dominant”—an assessment that has nothing to do with my physical actions. Now, as a test subject for sadism, observe how hard my cock gets when my wife is in extreme pain and suffering.

A BRIEF HISTORY OF SADISM

I am most noted for my consensual sadistic behavior, and I have performed a great deal of research on the subject of sadism—not to understand my own behavior, but to understand its origins, its history, and the language involved, kind of like some sick behavioral family tree, I guess. So let’s talk about sadism for a bit.

In the eyes of the poet, the psychological shame of the girls made them more attractive and maybe even sexually aroused the onlookers. Unmistakably, when the girl struggled knowing she was going to have sex, possibly forcible sex, her captor was still happy. It is safe to say sex has been around a long time. Is it inconceivable that sexual gratification from the suffering of others has been around just as long?

The behavior that we know today as sadism has been around for thousands of years, but there wasn’t a name for it until recently. Could it be that this was just normal, accepted behavior for the times? And how did this behavior, along with all the evil circumstance that ill-informed people associate with it, come to be known as sadism?

The vast majority of people in the BDSM community probably disagree with the definition of sadism as put forth in the medical literature. I will attempt to shed a favorable light on this subject by explaining the changes associated with the medical definition of sadism. It is my hope that you will agree, as evidenced by these changes, that it is no longer an evil sexual practice but can be an accepted sexual behavior.

Richard Freiherr von Krafft-Ebing (1840-1902), a German-Austrian psychiatrist, adopted the term sadism for professional use in 1898; however, he first discussed the sexual nature of sadistic experiences in 1886, in Psychopathia Sexualis:

By using the adjective innate, Krafft-Ebing shows he firmly believes one can be born a Sadist. I completely agree with this possibility; I often say I am just wired this way. Later definitions of sadistic behaviors put forth by the psychology community did not include Krafft-Ebing’s original assertion that Sadists could derive sexual pleasure from watching others receiving acts of cruelty or bodily punishment.[13] This is especially important to me because I do become sexually aroused when watching a scene in which the bottom is suffering. Yet, I do not derive sexual pleasure while watching a fistfight or poking my patients with needles for blood draws.

Krafft-Ebing used the term sadism to describe a set of sexual behaviors, specifically the behaviors practiced and written about by the Marquis de Sade, a renowned French author who lived from 1740 to 1814. It is obvious the word sadism is derived from the name of de Sade himself as well as the French word sadisme. Sadisme appeared in an 1834 French dictionary written by lexicographer Pierre-Claude-Victor Boiste. Krafft-Ebing’s original definition did not differentiate between consensual or nonconsensual acts. One can argue that his definition addresses nonconsensual behavior, as this is what the Marquis de Sade wrote about. The marquis’s works included graphic descriptions of acts in which the “victim” (I put this in quotes because today we call them bottoms) was made to suffer, feel pain, and be humiliated, which resulted in the sexual gratification of the aggressor. For example:

She raises a storm, criticizing their behavior toward her and describing it as unjust. “‘Were it just,’ says the Duc, wiping his razor, ‘it would surely fail to give us an erection.’”[15]

You may have heard the term sexual sadism. Given the fact that sadism was coined to explain a form of sexual gratification, many authorities believe it is redundant to say “sexual sadism,” preferring simply “sadism.”

Not only did the Marquis de Sade write about acts of sexual perversion, he apparently indulged in them. His most famous “victim” was Rose Keller. According to the court in which he was tried for his acts, de Sade picked up Rose Keller and took her to a home in Arcueil where he reportedly bound and flogged her. Due to the lack of physical evidence, it is not known whether de Sade raped her.

Among the numerous reports of his participation in orgies, one well-known account states that he hired four prostitutes to take part in an orgy that included a round of flogging during which everyone was flogged, including de Sade himself and his servant. It was this encounter for which the marquis was arrested for poisoning and sodomy. De Sade was accused of slipping something equivalent to Spanish fly into some aniseed sweets. (Rather than sexually arousing the prostitutes, it made them very sick.)

In 1898, Krafft-Ebing described sadistic behavior in sexual terms:

Note how he describes the behavior of a sexual act being fueled by the “maltreatment” of another human. You can also see that he believes the amount of discomfort felt by the victim is a direct factor in the degree of sexual gratification.

The term sadism originally described a behavior, not a psychological disorder. Subsequently, the psychiatric community attached the classification of paresthesia (an abnormal or perverse sexual feeling) to it. In 1980, the American Psychiatric Association changed the classification of sadism from a paresthesia to a paraphilia (a recurring sexual fantasy or behavior that involves unusual and especially socially unacceptable sexual practices), which is how it is still classified.[18]

The behavior associated with sadism has not changed since it was first defined. What has changed is the American Psychiatric Association’s classification and diagnostic criteria for sadism and our view of what is healthy and unhealthy sadism. Today, if the sadism is consensual and not harmful to the person or to others, the association does not consider it to be a paraphilia. It is only labeled a paraphilia when it is deemed unhealthy and causes the person significant distress, and then it is defined as a psychosexual disorder comprising thoughts, sexual fantasies, or acts with nonconsenting persons or objects involving pain or humiliation of oneself or another.[19] Even the American Psychiatric Association says you can consent to pain and suffering!

WHAT’S PAIN GOT TO DO WITH IT?

The acronym BDSM is relatively new when compared to behaviors it describes, which date back more than two millennia. Within the BDSM community, the term sadism has mutated into something it is not. While we do know the origin of the word and the context in which it was first used, the old definition has become bastardized. Someone once said to me, “I suppose you could argue that it is not sadistic to give someone something they somehow enjoy, but in our world, sadism tends to be more about who is delivering the pain, not about how it is received.” There does not need to be, nor should there be, any modification to the term sadism other than adding the word consensual. If you do not fit the behavior, don’t change the established definition of a word that describes the behavior to make it fit you. Don’t say you’re a Sadist; just say you are topping someone. While some may complain that they hate labels and definitions, the language we use is important for communication and general understanding.

After considering the behaviors encompassed by consensual sadism, it is vital to perceive and interpret the intent of the individual creating the sensations as well as what the bottom actually experiences.

Pain is defined as an unpleasant sensation resulting from physical trauma, disease, or an emotional disorder, suffering, or distress. This suggests that the person who feels pain is not happy about it. For example, undergoing dental work is painful for most of us, though I am sure there are a few people out there who enjoy the sensation of dental work. Note how I changed the word pain to sensation in that example.

We feel sensations when our senses are stimulated. Thus, sensations are highly individual and idiosyncratic to each of us; they can be interpreted in many ways. Some sensations can be pleasurable while others can be unpleasant. We define pain as an unpleasant sensation; people go to great lengths—think of pain clinics—not to feel it. Pain hurts people.

Now, consider this idea: a masochist is a Sadist’s worst enemy. I say this somewhat tongue in cheek to get people to think about what “painful” sensations are really like for a masochist. What the rest of us would identify as pain and perceive as negative, masochists interpret differently. To them, it’s a pleasurable, positive experience; thus, it is not pain.

You see, masochists do feel and interpret some sensations as painful, as hurting. Pain is only pain when the person receiving it interprets it as a negative or unpleasant sensation or one that causes suffering. I may think I am causing someone pain because, well—damn—it sure looks like it would hurt me. But in reality, he enjoys the sensation and doesn’t experience it as “bad” pain.

This brings to mind tattoo work. While speaking with my tattoo artist, he told me that often, when he tattoos someone, he has to stop and give them a break because it hurts them too much. This applies to all areas of the body that he has worked on. While getting work done on the base of my neck, I started to laugh because it tickled. It held up his work because I had to settle myself down and hold still. But he told me this is a very painful place to tattoo for some people.

I will interject a theory here. Some believe that pain and pleasure are on the same continuum of sensation as interpreted by the mind. For example, a sensation like having your feet caned is extremely painful to some. For a masochist, it can feel pleasurable at first, but if continued long enough or delivered hard enough, the stimulus will eventually become painful. The masochist could become sexually aroused from a caning during the pleasurable stage, but would feel pain from the same activity further down the road.

Sadism is often misunderstood by our own BDSM community as a self-centered “dark” endeavor. Some wonder how a Sadist could possibly find a willing partner who submits to painful activities they don’t enjoy. This always makes me chuckle. I am a known Sadist and I have no problem getting people to let me do unpleasant stuff to them. I always reveal what I am up front by giving partners my definition of sadism—I want to make them feel unpleasant sensations from which I will get sexual gratification when they dislike what I do—and they still want to give it a go. Sadism becomes abuse when the bottom no longer consents to the pain or when the bottom’s needs are not met.

SADISM AND CONSENT

Often the consensual Sadists within the kink community use the term consensual non-consensuality or CNC (also referred to as consensual nonconsent) to describe certain scenes. Our community has been discussing this controversial practice for many years. If there is ever a dull moment in a discussion group or an online list, this is one issue—along with safewords and extreme scenes—that is guaranteed to liven things up.

I recall reading that CNC was a very heated topic of discussion at the National Leather Association’s fifth conference in October 1990. In a postpanel interview conducted by Carol Queen, the late Tony DeBlase was quoted concerning CNC: “A bottom may set parameters and say, ‘Now, given those parameters, don’t pay any attention to what I say after this.’ We’ve gotten so much into negotiations and safewords that there are people who can’t even conceive scening without them. They confuse consensual non-consensuality scenes with entirely non-consensual ones—which they aren’t.”

CNC remains no less controversial today. There are some who feel it is in direct violation of the seemingly universal BDSM guideline known as safe, sane, and consensual (SSC). When the phrase “risk-aware consensual kink” (RACK) was coined, it seemed to open a little more tolerance for CNC, simply because people were more willing to admit that there is some risk to many of our practices. But I have a personal issue with grouping sadism and “kink” together. Sorry, but equating the word “kink” to sadism is like comparing a bunny-fur flogger to a barbed-wire flogger. We all use catchphrases to simplify our conversations, often using our local group’s shorthand. However, once we start to travel or speak outside our own leather community, we find that interpretations vary widely.

Those who practice CNC generally do not use safewords, and this causes a portion of the community to promptly condemn the practice. Many BDSM practitioners hold the opinion that a bottom should never give up the right to use a safeword under any circumstances. Yet an opposing segment of the leather/fetish community chooses not to use safewords for various reasons. Some are bottoms who feel they cannot go as far in a scene as they wish to if they have a safeword. Perhaps an even more motivating factor is fear of the unknown. Some get off on fear; not everyone gets off on knowing exactly what is going to happen to them.

To consent is “to give assent or approval.”[20] To be nonconsensual is to disagree with what is proposed by another. So, by logical sequence, CNC in SM would be an agreement to not necessarily be in agreement with the actions that are forthcoming. Some consensual slaves and other bottoms receive a great deal of satisfaction through unconditionally submitting to the will of another. It is through the process of giving total control to another that they achieve deep submission, leading to spiritual well-being. It takes great strength and overwhelming trust to place total control in the hands of a Sadist, Top or Dominant. This exchange of power should never be granted thoughtlessly. Immense self-discipline, sterling character, and responsibility are required of the Top not to abuse such power once it has been given. However, I do not believe that an individual who has consented to forgoing the use of a safeword has given up their human right to stop an unsafe scene.

As Sadists, we know bottoms are getting something from letting us hurt them. In the moment, those who subject themselves to Sadists are in real pain and would rather be someplace else. That does not mean they don’t later masturbate to the memory of the encounter. It could be that it is an act of service. In such cases, the individual will endure pain because they take pleasure in knowing they make the Sadist happy. It can also be an act of love, as is the case for my wife. There are times when I have sex with my wife when she is emotionally distraught and feeling “real” pain. As a consensual Sadist, it makes me happy to know that the encounter was good, at some point, for my wife. Yes, she was really hurting and hating me in the moment, which makes me come, but she is happy after it is over. I do not think anyone would consent to a Sadist if they got nothing from it.

Some feel that there are only sexual masochists in the BDSM community, but there are people who want to feel pain for the sake of feeling pain. They have a need to be beat to catharsis. They want to cry and purge by suffering in order to learn about themselves. I have done scenes with my wife simply for the sake of her suffering pain. She was not interested in feeling anything pleasurable in the moment. She wanted to feel catharsis. Can I get off sexually by this? Hell, yeah! However, in scenes like this, I am in a different role—more like a spiritual guide or facilitator for her journey.

When it comes to topping, you may hear additional descriptors attached to the word, such as “service Top” and “sensual Top.” One term that really demonstrates a gross misunderstanding of sadism is “sensual Sadist.” I mean, really? People use this term to explain that they are giving the bottom sensual sensations that the bottom likes to have done to them. There is nothing in it about pain, suffering, or dislike. This is not sadism.

So how far does a Sadist need to go to obtain sexual satisfaction? A Sadist only needs to go to the point where the bottom no longer enjoys what is taking place. This can happen in a matter of minutes or take as long as a few hours. I guess, by default, someone uses his safeword when he no longer enjoys what’s happening. But certainly one could be in an unhappy state before using the safeword. So, in any scene where I am being a Sadist and a bottom calls a safeword, I am happy. Also, if I end the scene, it is because I feel they have gone far enough and should not be pushed further; again, I am happy. Have I ever been unhappy because I did not think a partner functioned well? Never. On the other hand, I have been unhappy with what a few partners did with what they were given. My sexual satisfaction does not have to end with penetration or with me having an orgasm.

AFTERCARE/AFTERMATH

The aftermath of sadism must be taken into account when looking at healthy, consensual sadism. I say aftermath because of the way my wife looks just after I’ve had sex with her. There she lies, on the floor, covered in sweat, tears, blood, and snot, looking as if she just went to hell and back. So, yeah, aftermath is a good term, I think. What I will talk about is what goes through my head and heart after taking her into the abyss. The consensual Sadist needs as much, if not more, aftercare than the bottom. This is simply because we are doing things to people that they don’t like.

Certainly there can be scenes involving acts of consensual nonconsent which, if taken alone, can appear to be nonabu-sive. But what happens after the scene is just as important, if not more so. If I leave my wife in a pool of blood, sweat, and tears after a consensual rape scene and never tend to her afterward, this would be abusive. We must look out for the physical and emotional well-being of the bottom after the scene ends. If the bottom’s needs are realistic and within reason and they are not met, it is abusive.

Taking everything into account, there really is no good reason for us to distance ourselves from our roots. What the Marquis de Sade wrote about were primarily nonconsensual acts. These are not the roots that I am talking about. I am talking about pure, hot, sexually charged consensual sadism, where your partner agrees to feel pain because it gets you off.

The psychological effects that consensual Sadists have on the bottoms they play with can be devastating if there are misunderstandings. Suppose a bottom has done scenes only with tops who inflicted sensations that the bottom liked, and those tops called themselves Sadists. Then, if a consensual Sadist were to create unpleasant sensations for the bottom—because that is what a consensual Sadist does—the inexperienced and poorly educated bottom freaks out. This does not do the consensual Sadist any good either, having a bottom react poorly. Who knows where it could go from there.

People do recruit into the lifestyle. We bring in new people fresh out of their closets and make them feel comfortable with words like play and toys. Acronyms like SSC and RACK make newbies feel safe from harm, I guess. I take exception to the words play and toys. At one time what we did was called “working a boy over.” What we used were tools, not toys.

So here we have the preprogrammed recruit, the “SSC sadistic Top,” using “toys” in a “play” session at a public BDSM event. She happens to look over and see what I would call a real consensual Sadist, whose bottom does not look as if he is enjoying what is being done to him. The bottom is even saying, “No, stop!” Holy bat droppings, Batman!!! The SSC sadistic Top thinks, That must be nonconsensual and unsafe. Get a Dungeon Monitor quick—that scene must be stopped. Do you see how not giving the full picture of sadism can be harmful to our community? We must learn to communicate our needs better as Sadists, Dominants, or Tops. Bottoms, if a person says she is a Sadist, ask her what that means. It’s a necessary conversation, where people can express their personal definitions and desires and establish a clearer understanding. Then, if all goes well, you can get down to some hot sadistic sex.

Has anyone ever told you not to do something and you thought to yourself, Why can’t I do it? Or, If I did it, would it hurt anybody? You find yourself thinking of ways to get your mind off the thing you’re not supposed to do, but you can’t. The restriction itself propels you to want to do it. It’s exciting, alluring. For some people, that’s what it feels like to do age role play, both sexual and nonsexual: it’s taboo. For others, it’s rooted in pure desire. It just gets you downright hot. Still others engage in age play to explore a specific dynamic with a partner or partners. Age play offers people the opportunity to explore a wonderful childhood memory or a time when their lives were simpler and without responsibility. They can sexualize a forbidden intergenerational relationship or indulge in a wide variety of Dominant/submissive power dynamics.

Fantasy role play is when two or more consenting adults engage in intentional erotic or power-dynamic-driven interactions. Age play is a specific form of fantasy role play where a partner embodies a person of a different age than their actual chronological age. Age-play characters run the gamut from diapered babies and little girls to rowdy teenagers and dirty old men. For some people, age play is a chance to return to a younger age and engage with other adults who are role-playing their peers: think Boy Scouts roughhousing together. Other folks want to be youths or children and interact with partners who take on an adult role: the troublemaking student in detention under the watchful eye of a stern teacher, or an infant who gets to be pampered and loved by a wonderful nanny; the “adult” in these scenarios almost always has some power over the “kid.” Some people enjoy playing persons older than themselves to take on a role of authority or embody a parental figure. Others employ age play to engage in scenarios where their partners play a relative (some call this “familial age play” or “incest play”): for example, a seven-year-old who loves to color with her dad or two adolescent brothers who explore their bodies together.

Age play can be quite taboo, not only in society at large, but also among kinky people. After all, adults are not supposed to act like children, and once an erotic interaction is introduced, things get even dicier. Some people automatically associate age play with pedophilia, child sexual abuse, and sex offenders. Before we go any further, I must be very clear. Age play is exactly what the name indicates—play. If you have a desire to do age play, it does not mean you condone coercion, violence, or abuse (sexual or nonsexual) directed at actual children by actual adults. Age play is fantasy between consenting adults.

Whatever age I choose to play, a scene can have very different outcomes, but the main thread in age play for me is sex. It can involve an intricacy of domination, incest, rape, and sometimes torture. Age play is edge play for me. It takes me to wonderfully enlightening places as well as deep, dark ones. I allow myself to balance and sometimes fall off the edges—that’s what makes it hot for me. There are people who do nonsexual age play, but this chapter focuses on age play with an erotic component.

There are many ways to figure out what age play may look like for you. I’m a visual person, so creating lists helps me collect and organize my thoughts, clarify my vision for the scene, and figure out logistics. I like to think of it as working in your own laboratory. In the laboratory, you can create any concoction of age play you desire. Think of the choices as chemicals. Making a choice about what you want today does not mean you can’t switch, alter, reconfigure, or change your mind about the whole idea of what age play looks like to you. Don’t worry, you are entitled to change your formula. You are the evil scientist of your desires.

SQUARE ONE

If you’ve been curious about age play or about how to spice it up with some hot sex, it’s good to step back and start at square one: what was the fantasy or the initial thought? One of the most difficult tasks is sifting through our fantasies and figuring out what we want to make “reality.” Reality in this context is creating the scenario that mirrors what has been living in your brain—making tangible the thing that gets you off. Sometimes we figure out that the fantasy we’ve had for years lives best as only a fantasy. There is nothing wrong with that. Some fantasies we birth and others we carry. We can play with them in our minds or in real life—the choice is yours. I took the plunge and decided once and for all that the fantasy I’d been jerking off to for 10 years was worth acting out. Taking that plunge for you may mean taking baby steps.

A conversation about the topic of erotic age play is a good place to begin with a partner. The goal is to figure out if all parties are at least interested and are not repulsed or triggered by the idea. You can bring up a blog you read or pop a porn scene featuring some kind of age play in the DVD player. Or you can just straight-out ask your partner how age play sounds to them. Gauge your partner’s reaction. Notice your reaction. If all feels right at the moment, move forward. Talk about what turns you on about an age play scenario. Describe how you see yourself in the scenario and why you want to be in it. Answering the “why” is important in that it propels you to create intent and allows the other players to understand their role if they chose to agree to it. For some, this method of asking yourself who and why is essential; for others, the need just is—there is no need to analyze the desire. Some are drawn to age play but are not sure where to start.

Take it slow at first. Try a 15-minute session rather than a two-hour session. Check in with each other afterward. Did it feel good? Did it feel weird? Are you willing to try it again or put it back in your brain vault? Weather you never delve into that fantasy again or you move forward with it, it’s totally okay. You took the plunge, landed on your feet, and now you know. Unfortunately, some of us may not land so gracefully. There is nothing wrong with you. Our journeys take us to different destinations.

CHOOSING YOUR AGE

When you fantasize about age play, what age are you? Does it shift? Is it always the same? Age play can be regressive or progressive. The more common type of age play involves at least one partner regressing in age; progressing to an older age is less common. I have been a newborn and I’ve been 80 years old.

Regressing to a younger age can be about a longing to relive or recreate childhood experiences. Are you a baby? All babies are preverbal, helpless, and dependent on a parent or caregiver for everything. Are you a good baby or a naughty one? Maybe you’re a kid. Kids can talk and do some things for themselves, but they are still dependent on adults; they often express their thoughts without worrying about what people think. Kids have unique personalities: they can be shy, tantrum-throwing, naive, eager to please, or bratty. Perhaps you’d like to be a teenager, somewhat independent yet still not a grown-up. Are you curious about sex, rebellious, a teacher’s pet? Think about what you want to get out of this role play and what age range is most appealing to you.

In age progression, you can progress to as little as a few years older than your actual age or all the way up to senior status. I suspect that age progression, also known as elder play or geriatric play, is not considered as fantastical as regressing to your youth. The age process creates fear in most people and may limit how your play is acted out or evolves. Age progression may be too close to the reality of growing up, growing old, or being ill. Regression eliminates impending reality, sparks memory, and allows room for mistakes, or it is just plain fun. I would argue, though, that elder play can be just as naughty, taboo, and creative as a youthful tryst. Progressive age play can be anything from a candy striper in a nursing home blowing an elderly gentleman to Grandpa making his granddaughter sit on his lap as he feels under her dress, or—my personal favorite—a senior patient getting a special sponge bath from the hot young nurse.

GENDER AND SEXUAL ORIENTATION

So, you are thinking that if you identify as a female, your role-play alter egos have to be female, too? Absolutely not. Do you want to be a little girl, an adult male, a gender-transitioning youth, a gender-nonconforming person, or an androgynous teen? Your physical body does not have to match the gender you want to role-play. You can have a penis and be a woman, have breasts and be a boy—you decide. I identify as a trans genderqueer person. In my play, I have been a seven-year-old girl seductress, a 20-year-old sexually assaultive jock, a dirty old man who is 80, a 30-year-old incestuous Daddi, and a feminine, sexually inappropriate boy who is 10.

The same goes for sexual orientation or behavior. You may have been born male and identify as such but in play you could be a lesbian or simply a woman who gets fucked by other women. You can also be a little girl who likes little boys, a teenage boy coming of age with other teenage boys, or a dirty mother who fucks her son and daughter. Remember, this is play and you and your partners can navigate it anyway you want. You can be queer, lesbian, heterosexual, bisexual, gay, asexual, fluid, or pansexual.

POWER DYNAMIC

It doesn’t matter how old you are in the role play—you can still decide whether you are a top, bottom, or switch in the scenario. For example, my seven-year-old girl seductress waited until Daddy was asleep, then crawled into bed with him and sucked him off. When he realized what was happening and wanted to stop it, I threatened to tell. Age does not dictate the power you have in your role play. Your great-uncle on his deathbed could be the top in your role play scenario. He can determine that when he passes on, you get all of his inheritance—but for a detailed sexual price. You could have a student who holds all the cards when she reveals to you she has sexually incriminating evidence of your raunchy sex life. She’ll keep her mouth shut for a passing grade and a good fuck. The bad guys can be the tops in a child abduction, rape, and torture scenario. The babysitter can be the top when she spanks the youngsters she’s babysitting for wetting the bed. It’s all up to you. Have fun with it.

RELATIONSHIP AND CONNECTION

What connection do the players have? Do you know each other, live together, or have you never met each other? There are many exciting ways to relate to one another in age play; with each type of connection, you can explore trust, love, friendship, fear, or resiliency. Perhaps you are members of the same family: parents, grandparents, guardians, uncles, aunts, children, siblings, nieces and nephews. There are many scenes involving young people and adult authority figures such as teachers, tutors, priests, babysitters, neighbors, school counselors, coaches, ballet instructors. Less well known adult authority figures include doctor, camp counselor, corner store clerk, postal worker, and bus driver. A stranger might be part of your age play—perhaps a hitchhiker, a kidnapper, or the person passing you on the street. Whether the connection you create is a brief encounter with the bus driver or an ongoing relationship with your brother, each connection can spark an array of creative scenarios to explore.

PUBLIC/PRIVATE

Where will you set the stage for your encounter? Will your interactions take place at home, at a public kink event, or among the general public? If you are dipping your toes into the pool of age play, a more private location is suggested. Private play is more intimate: you don’t have to factor in uncontrolled input from the outside world, so it can feel safer. At a kink party or conference, there may be special activities or space reserved for regressive age players (often called “kidz” or “littles”). In these kinky spaces, you can meet and interact with other age players, feel acknowledged as your alter ego, play, compare notes, etc.

FREQUENCY

Is this something you’re curious about and you’d like to try once? Do you want to do it on occasion to spice up your sex life? Or is it play that you want to develop and do on a regular basis? Do you want to incorporate age play into your 24/7 D/s dynamic? You don’t have to know the answers right away; these are lifestyle options to consider. Play can happen once or sporadically. A scenario can incorporate the same characters or different ones. Scenarios don’t necessarily have to mature. And long-term investment in the role play is not essential. I have done one-time scenes as well as created continuing characters who reappear again and again. I have been developing one of my little personas for years. Creating a continuing character has helped me tap into the psyche of the character and develop her more fully: she has a name, a birth date, a family history, and memories. I have invested time, money, and emotions in her, and this makes for a richer, more complex experience when I embody her in a scene. She has grown and changed over the years, and so have I.

PROPS, COSTUMES, SCENE ELEMENTS

When it comes to role playing, our imaginations can take us to faraway, wonderful places. Props and costumes can help propel the imagination, but keep in mind that you don’t need to spend a lot of money to get into the perfect head space. Shopping at secondhand stores or getting hand-me-downs from friends are a great way to obtain a variety of clothes and props to play with. A coloring book, a box of cereal, Grandpa’s cane, Daddy’s pipe, Mama’s purse, diapers, or a stuffed animal are all exciting elements you can add to your play. These items allow us to fall deeper into our roles—make us connect to what our alter egos like, do, use, or need. I have a second pair of glasses I call my “girl” glasses. When those glasses rest on my face, I am transformed. Do you fantasize about sucking on a pacifier? Does a lollipop bring out your inner toddler? Think about items that connect you to your character, embrace them, and have some fun.

NEGOTIATION

In the process of making your own laboratory list, think about what your particular role means to you and work on verbalizing it to your play partners. Simply saying that you are interested in embodying a “dirty older brother” is not enough. Different roles, especially familial ones, can be interpreted in different ways and will often reflect your background, race, culture, ethnicity, or religion. You want to make sure that you and your role-paying partners are on the same page. If not, the scene may go in the wrong direction or can even be triggering. The same goes for a player who asks her partner to play a specific character. You can say you want a daddy, but what does Daddy mean to you? Is he stern and punishing, gentle and caring, or something else altogether? Finding clarity about characters can be difficult—we must dig deep, examine, and name what turns us on. The outcome of this internal work can be rewarding.

There are various precautions you and your partner(s) should also discuss when negotiating. You have to take proactive as well as possibly reactive measures. If there’s anything the BDSM scene prepares you for, it is that anything can happen. I think that’s the sheer beauty of it. When you role-play, you imagine and create new worlds, new temporary realities, and those realities can be both good and bad.

Just as a top asks a bottom about past injuries in order to assess areas of the body to avoid hitting, the players in age play should talk about past emotional traumas and triggers. For example, I had a fuck buddy who role-played a teenager who was raped by her neighbor, played by me. When negotiating the terms of our play, she revealed that she was once assaulted and during the assault she was choked. She told me that anything around her neck would trigger her, so we agreed that choking or using a collar was a no-no. Another play partner let me know that I should not address her as “honey.” She had been sexually harassed and the perpetrator consistently used that endearment to minimize her.

Knowing people’s individual triggers helps you avoid pushing the wrong buttons in a scene; however, you cannot always prepare for what might come up. During age play, people can regress to a much younger age that can bring up intense primal or instinctual feelings. It can put both top and bottom in a very delicate head space, so you must keep that in mind. Even when you plan ahead, all scenes have the potential to go south. Be open to that. Accept it. Knowing this can allow you to be more receptive and as ready as you can be to react to a situation you did not plan on.

Age play can be a highly emotional and challenging journey for survivors and their partners, for those who love us and those who play with us. Age play can be healing and therapeutic for some people, but it is not the same as therapy; this is especially important to note for survivors of childhood incest, sexual abuse, or trauma. Age play, accompanied by therapy, the support of friends, and artistic outlets, has been extremely healing for me. This will not be the case for all survivors. We find what healing paths work best for us.

When you combine age play with incest play—scenarios like Daddy/girl, Mommy/boy, Sister/brother, Uncle/nephew—it can take your play to a whole new level. It can be based in nurturing, caregiving, letting go, emotional exploration, trust, tapping into your inner child, reliving, and more. Think about some of your core truths and you may discover some of your core fantasies. Is it to feel the undeniable love of a mother? The sexual taboo of incest? Mix in consensual coercion, fear and terror, rape and abuse fantasies, and you’ve got all the ingredients for a very intense scene. This kind of age play is not for everyone. It can be exciting yet explosive. Exploring taboo subjects can open up emotional floodgates. So it’s key to negotiate, renegotiate, and check in. Checking in directly after a scene can be enough for some, but others may need hourly check-ins, maybe a check-in days later. This type of play may bring to the surface sadness, anger, fear and hatred—in yourself and your partner. Navigating the root of the feeling and dealing with it appropriately can be a challenge, but it is an important part of understanding the responsibilities of playing on the edge. We have a responsibility to ourselves and those we play with. This is why honest, clear communication and negotiation is key.

One thing we can plan for is aftercare: what takes place after a session. It’s the attention you give one another emotionally and physically. Aftercare is for both tops and bottom. Like other BDSM activities, age play can drain us, especially emotionally. Aftercare is a wonderful way to be taken care of, revitalize, and come back to embodying you again. Aftercare looks different for many people. It can be minimal, or as detailed as the players want it to be. I know people who just want a cup of water and to be left alone for a while. Others need constant touch and affirmation. Still others want no verbal communication, just to be held tight. Whatever your aftercare needs, remember to discuss beforehand.

I’ve laid out some tools based on personal experience, conversations, and writings on the subject that I hope will help you and your partner(s) understand and navigate age role play. Experimenting with age play can be scary but it can also be extremely fulfilling. Sexual age play is vast, dirty, and desired by many. Take time to figure out what turns you on about it. Sit with it. Fantasize about it. Jerk off or touch yourself to the possibilities of it. Decide whether you want to take your desires from fantasy to reality. Communicate openly and as honestly as possible with your fuck buddies, lovers, play partners, or spouses. Play to your heart’s content. Listen to your inner voice and concoct all the sexual age play you desire.

Author’s Note: I recommend that you read Chapter 11, Stop, Drop, and Role! Erotic Role Playing, before reading this essay. It will help provide context. Okay—let’s rock.

Naughty is nice. Bad is good. Evil is better. Violence is love and fantasy is a secret passageway into a reality gone deliciously, dangerously, erotically haywire.

You with me? Good. It only gets darker from here.

One of the aspects of role play that I love is taking responsibility for abdicating responsibility. How is this paradox possible? By enacting a scenario where you take or relinquish control, you inhabit a sexually charged world of endless possibility. By negotiating your scenario including your limits and boundaries, and mapping out expectations and outcomes, you create a matrix into which you can insert your dreams, fantasies, and darkest desires. This liberates the role players, giving them the freedom to explore some of humanity’s darkest impulses, and to explore them without the limiting trappings of guilt, apprehension, and fear. Sound intriguing? Want to jump right into that hot-and-heavy rape fantasy? Ease back there, my friend. There is a lot to dig up, uncover, and sift through before you jump into the deep end.

Uncovering the roots of your desires can truly assist in your explorations, especially if you are experiencing guilt around wanting to ravage—or be ravaged by—another human. It is not easy to get to the point of being comfortable even thinking about some of the darker fantasies that many people entertain in the recesses of their hearts. I know that, for me, it was a multistage process and remains an ongoing one.

One of the earliest sexual memories I have is the fantasy of being overpowered, ravaged, taken against my will, and forced to submit to a power I cannot resist. Every captured-princess tale whispered to me of secrets behind the gauzy veils and pointed hats. The creaking wire bookstands in the supermarket were packed with racks of romance novels. The covers of these pulp fictions depicted heaving-bosomed and wild-eyed women resisting, pushing, straining against broad-shouldered, thickly muscled men who smiled arrogantly, seemingly impervious to the willowy resistance of the heroine. One of my favorite Star Trek episodes, “Space Seed,” included a rather evocative scene in which the villain, Kahn Noonian Singh (played with smoldering sensuality by a young Ricardo Montalban), seduced, overpowered, and dominated a crewmember of the Enterprise into crawling, pleading, abject submission. I looked to those fantasies, told over and over in different forms and narratives, as confirming my desire to be overpowered, to be ravaged. Until reality hit me and I became convinced that my desires, my fantasies, were wrong. Very fucking wrong.

As a child, watching the miniseries Roots was a major event for me, and everyone I knew watched it. It was especially gripping, as a black kid, to see the story of people who looked like me, people with a similar ancestral history, unfolding in epic glory night after night. I was swept away in surges of emotion: pride at their bravery in the face of oppression, rage at the evils of enforced slavery, fear at the pain and suffering depicted, rather graphically, in the story. But the biggest conflict for me came up in the scene where a white man forcibly rapes a black female slave. This was not the sexy ravishment of those Harlequin Romance novels. This was not a whispered fairy tale, where allegory and wistful gasps and sighs gave only hints of secret lust. This was brutal violence, horrible and horrifying, and I couldn’t understand how something that looked so much like my fantasies left me sick and terrified. And fascinated.

Unable to make sense of this dichotomy, I internalized the idea that there was something profoundly wrong with me, that I carried a secret I could never, ever share. I knew that there had to be a difference between the fantasies I had and the reality depicted in this scene of brutal violence, but—they looked the same. What was the difference?

The deeper and darker a secret feels, the more likely it’s a common one. When I became old enough to take control of my own fantasies and let go of my initial fear of being “sick” for having these thoughts, I discovered that not only was I not alone, but these fantasies were common. My first boyfriend and I played with resistance in our sex: “You want it, I got it, I ain’t givin’ it to ya without a fight!” Sometimes he would let me overpower him, and I would exert my own power, with much delight. And sometimes I would find myself overpowered, taken, and ravaged to my heart’s content. This was still not something I felt I could share with anyone but him, but it was a delicious secret that we shared and we thoroughly enjoyed its transgressive energy.

These early explorations might never have blossomed into a deeper, darker journey save for a brief incandescent affair I had in my mid-twenties. Previously, any rough sex I’d had was playful, contextualized, and something both parties had to agree to for any play to begin.

Then I encountered someone who did not ask, did not negotiate, took what he wanted with no preamble. And I found that…irresistible.

It was a revelation to have an encounter with a man who was effortlessly dominant, sexually aggressive, and able to read me so well that even my stunned responses and token resistance did not slow his roll. Previously, any sexual aggression I’d absorbed had taken place after explicit communication. This was not so clear. He pushed, I acquiesced. He pushed harder, I retreated. He demanded, I crumbled. He took what he wanted, I gave it up with a delicate blend of relief, fear, and confused arousal. Here was exactly what I had secretly craved: someone who knew, just knew, my deep, dark secret who took one look at me and reached inside to that dark place and exploited it for his own pleasure. And ultimately for mine.

As I unpacked this experience and started sharing it with trusted friends, no one chastised me for my fantasy. Friends nodded, a gleam in their eyes, asked for details, wanted to know what happened next. And next. I realized I wasn’t on the fringe. Not by a long shot. And I wanted more.

But getting more presented a substantial challenge.

Fantasizing about acts that are manifestations of nonconsensual encounters is one thing. Deciding to consciously explore them is another. I think we can all agree that the violence of rape and sexual assault, the violence of bigotry and racism, the horror of sexual abuse, the crime and horror of incest, are not acceptable. They are inexcusable, criminal acts of violence.

So how can it be that so many of us have fantasies along these lines? How can it be that, in one breath, I can condemn the rapist and yet fantasize about being ravaged and raped?

INTENT AND CONSENT

There are two fundamental concepts here: consent and intent.

The intent of those participating in taboo role play is not to harm others. Their intent may vary. It can be a reclamation, a re-creation, an exploration—but it is never a decimation, an obliteration of the humanity of the people involved. Intent is all-important when diving into these dark waters.

Consent is also pivotal. Inasmuch as a person who engages in a fantasy about being used and degraded by a terrifying sexual predator has consented to the scenario being manifested, the acts are elevated above criminality. Rape, incest, abuse based on race, gender, sexual preference, or physical ability are not acceptable—unless they are. Once these taboos are brought to light as a forbidden fruit that the participants willingly, and with open eyes, choose to ingest, the game is entirely different. It can be transmuted, with negotiation and consent, to a profound exploration of the darkness within us all. It can be everything from light and fun to darkly cathartic.

But you must enter into this maze with a grounded sense of yourself, your motives, and your desires, and an awareness of the inherent and hidden risks.

Let me be very clear. I am in no way condoning any behavior that is nonconsensually perpetrated upon another person as a means of physical and emotional violence. Rather, I am saying that those who desire to explore these fantasies in the context of a consensual, self-aware, intentional exploration of personal desires ought not be reflexively pathologized. I believe that these fantasies can be deeply empowering, and we should give ourselves permission to dig in this dirt.

It is vital to understand that consent must be granted by all involved parties when exploring scenarios that employ physical manifestations of violence and psychological shades of coercion. As someone who has been on the receiving end of sexual assault, I can tell you firsthand that there is a universe of difference between the dark seduction of a rape-play fantasy and fighting off a would-be attacker or being taken advantage of via emotional pressure or coercion. Consent and choice are what sets this type of play apart from abuse and assault. I choose the time, the place and the partners with whom I play in this realm. I make the decision with a clear-eyed and sober mind-set. I negotiate and I check in. I know my partners will be with me before, throughout, and in the aftermath of our shared experience. And I know that they care for me. The sexual abuser or rapist is not in the business of negotiation and thoughtful, caring planning. Your fantasy and desire is not their[21] concern.

Playing in the realm of consensual nonconsent may blur the lines of default “No means no!” language. But remember, all involved parties must give consent to and accept responsibility for the risks associated with these boundary-pushing scenes. Everyone assumes a risk. Being aware of and prepared for these risks is pivotal. Maintaining boundaries is not something to be compromised.

WHY GO THERE?

Taboo role play is heavy stuff, for sure. So why go there? Why dabble in behavior that tips on the edge of consent? There are as many reasons as there are people who choose to walk these dark paths. Some people are simply sexually curious—dark fantasies arouse their inquisitiveness, so they go for it. Others have demons they wish to exorcise, fears that are rooted in a very real situation that they seek to recast and over which they seek to gain control. This type of role play is a means by which they might access that past. Still others are specifically aroused by the forbidden nature of it. The edgier and riskier the game, the more desirable it is to play.

I have spoken to thousands of people in the kink/leather/BDSM community, and thousands who are not involved with this subculture, about their private sexual fantasies. What I find striking is that among those who are not actively leading a lifestyle that openly embraces kink, there is less stratification and judgment about the content of forbidden fantasies.

Perverts often have a great deal invested, egowise, in codifying and justifying their kinks and fetishes. Many publicly eschew edge play, as it is called, and make an effort to demystify kink by downplaying the risks and the danger. Nonkink-identified people tend to have a “kinky is kinky” approach, which paradoxically gives them an initial advantage in processing taboo desires. When I came out to my nonkinky friends as submissive and confided that I was struggling with having fantasies that included scenes mirroring historical abuses, their reaction was generally “Okay, well that’s pretty kinky!” Whereas revealing the same desires within BDSM communities earned me widespread ostracism, questioning of my “blackness,” insinuations that I was mentally ill, threats against me and any potential partners “caught doing that fucked-up shit,” and all manner of ridicule. Not all kinks are created equal.

One doesn’t have to look far to find kinky people playing out the fantasy of the innocent schoolgirl/schoolboy over the knee of a stern disciplinarian. But darken the sexuality of it, add the sheen of sexual exploitation, coercion, or force, and the level of discomfort spikes. Reconciling something as horrific as the sexual abuse of children with the fantasy of playing that scene is a razor-edge dance. Many of our fantasies are rooted in real nightmares, fueled by the energy of real demons. But does this mean we ought to cut ourselves off from them, and in so doing, alienate ourselves from a base but valid aspect of our psyche? Does it mean we wish to actually abuse the innocent in a nonconsensual way? Does having a rape fantasy mean you desire to be beaten and sexually assaulted by a violent predator?

Most likely, the answer is no. But it is a human thing to desire to explore that destruction, that entropy, and there are safer ways to explore it. Just as we might watch a slasher flick to get that adrenaline rush of terror, we can put ourselves, for a little while, into a situation that feels very risky, that mimics that sickening rush of fear, so as to embrace the shadow of that horror.

SELF-EXPLORATION

To those who would explore these dark places, I first advise some really honest soul-searching. Where does this desire come from? Do you have a past hurt you would like to explore? Is it simply something that turns you on? Are you willing to deal with the possible aftermath: potential “buyer’s remorse” after engaging in this play when you look back and second-guess your motives, and your partners’?

If you do have a past trauma, know that this play is not therapy. It may have a cathartic benefit, but it absolutely is neither a means to obtain mental health nor a substitute for frank discussions with a professional. I encourage survivors of abuse to explore their past with a kink-aware therapist or counselor prior to delving into this world. And I redouble that recommendation if you are contemplating engaging in edge play. A person who was raped at knifepoint and thinks that having someone they trust recreate the trauma will help them “get over it” is taking a risk—and putting their partner and their relationship at risk as well. Sure, it might all be peachy-keen and hugs and smiles afterward. But it might be profoundly triggering instead, and prove difficult for the surrogate perpetrator to recover from if the victim experiences difficulty in the scene’s aftermath.

Everyone is at risk here. The risks to the bottom, the victim in this scenario, seem obvious. The potential for flashbacks or new traumas looms. But what about the aggressor, the perp? Are you sure, in the cold light of day, you won’t look at the friend who did bad things to you and have flashbacks to the gravity of the scenario you brought to life? What happens if this doubt creates cracks in the foundation of your trust with them? If you are the wicked abuser, are you prepared to handle the feelings that might come up for you when you realize that you’ve unleashed a demon that deliberately pushed another human to the brink and possibly beyond? There is also the risk of transference. If a survivor of abuse replays the abuse in a role-playing scenario, there is a chance that unresolved issues may attach to the partner who has stepped into the role of the abuser, even if it is in the context of a consensual scene.

Knowing why all involved parties are up for this most dangerous game will help build the absolutely necessary trust and get everyone on the same page. Frank disclosure of personal histories, from all sides, is of vital importance. And self-care, including discussing your concerns and history with a health-care professional familiar with the practices of consensual BDSM, kink, and leathersex, is an essential step in processing those past traumas.

Each of us has our own darkness. What might seem a deeply disturbing scenario to one might be an average Thursday night for another. There are, however, some categories of dark role play that are generally regarded as edge play. These include, but aren’t limited to, scenes of rape, domestic violence, hate crimes, and incest. The common thread in these scenarios is an effort by the aggressor to dehumanize, disempower, and control the victim for their own gratification. This is the taproot to the dark energy that can fuel these scenes. Power, forcefully taken, can be an intoxicant for the aggressor. And being stripped of one’s power in a consensual role-play scene can also be titillating for the one being overpowered. A loss of control gives you permission to simply be in that moment, carried not by your own impulses and volition, but subject to the whims of the one who has coldly decided to make you fodder for their selfish desires. As troubling as these impulses may seem, when channeled through the stream of consensual play, they can be an outlet for impulses that deserve healthy release.

Rape and domestic abuse are never acceptable. There is no excuse, no defense, for emotional, physical, and psychological violence against another person. Then how does one justify these desires? It is simple to talk about consent, but there are those who assert that no one can ever consent to abuse. There is legal support for this position, as even consensual BDSM and kink behaviors are prosecutable offenses in most jurisdictions. So how can I say yes to saying “No!” but not meaning it? Am I not just mirroring the abuses around me by perpetrating these abuses in a fantasy that merely propagates a system designed to oppress and strip me of my humanity?

If my stated desires as an adult look like an abusive or dehumanizing interaction, and my partners and I make an informed decision to engage in it, it’s all good, baby. Seriously. Acting out personal or historically wicked situations and/or abuses is my right. My sexual fulfillment is only as politicized as I permit it to be. I give no quarter to the juggernaut of political correctness when it aims for my libido, leaving behind a grease stain of shame and guilt.

I’m a black woman living in the USA. While there are people who experience a greater degree of socioeconomic and racial disadvantage, or who have more oppression pressure points to hit, there aren’t many. So when I say I have struggled in the darkness of my own desires, trust that these were not easy to digest and overcome. My ancestors, my predecessors who fought for the rights of women and the rights of people of color were fighting for freedom, and I plan to respect their memory by exercising that freedom.

After struggling with the desire to be submissive and a feminist, wrestling with my secret cravings for rough, violent sexual encounters, denying my masochistic streak, vilifying my desire to be “owned” in the context of a consensual BDSM master/slave relationship as the descendant of African slaves in the colonies, I finally began to find peace when I realized I was not doing myself any favors by denying these desires. I need to live authentically. If there are things about my desires that shame me, and I succumb to that shame, I am not being true to myself. Rather than bury them, I have given myself permission to explore them, and I have found ways to plumb the depths of these desires with people who understand them and are willing to walk that dark path with me.

As I’ve mentioned previously, doing your homework is critical to mitigating risks in taboo role play. I say mitigating because nothing is 100 percent guaranteed. There is risk. That is part of the frisson of danger: we are walking that tightrope. There are many things to keep in mind when plotting these scenarios (for detailed information, I suggest reading my previous chapter, Stop, Drop, and Role! Erotic Role Playing) but the mind-set of the aggressor is key. In the case of a rape fantasy, for example, the motivation and the goal of the rapist needs to be absolutely clear.

I spoke to a fellow kink/BDSM educator about the preparatory work and personal exploration necessary to negotiate rape fantasies. Barak, in addition to having many years of experience as a health-care professional, has also worked as a nurse in a psychiatric crisis center. He and his wife, Sheba, founded Adventures in Sexuality (AIS), a group in the Midwest that focuses on education, outreach, and safety within the BDSM, kink, pansexual, and polyamorous communities. Since they conduct presentations centered around play that is edgy and pushes the edges of consent, and he has specific experience being the aggressor in scenes that play with themes of rape and consensual nonconsent, I asked Barak about the mind-set needed to successfully navigate these turbulent waters. This is his reply:

AFTERCARE

Most players who engage in fantasy role play are aware of the importance of aftercare. Aftercare looks very different depending on the play, the players, and what they need in that moment. Of vital importance is never, ever forgetting that the victim is not the only one who needs aftercare—the perpetrator (e.g., the rapist) needs it as well. In some cases, aftercare for the aggressor might be even more critical. Sound crazy? Not at all. Think about the effort it takes to possess someone you care about, strip them of their humanity and power, use them in ways that might not feel consensual—and then it’s over and you’re left hanging, needing closure, rapprochement, reassurance that the monster you unleashed isn’t indicative of who you really are.

I asked Barak how it was, from the rapist’s perspective, to return from the state of consensual nonconsent back to a place of trust:

With this in mind, always remember: negotiate, negotiate, negotiate. It doesn’t matter whether you’ve known your scene partner for decades and you are an old hand in the dungeon. Take the time to foresee and discuss the possibility of negative fallout. Have a Plan B and a Plan C. Play with people you trust, who know and understand what you are up to, and with whom you have discussed your intentions. It can be helpful to line up an “aftercare buddy.” An aftercare buddy can be a friend or partner specifically not involved in the scene who is prepared to provide interim connection for the participants until they are ready to reconnect and check in. With the help of the buddy, the partners will be able to process whatever might have been unearthed during this journey to the dark side of fantasy.

PLAYING WITH HATE

While there can be an overtly sexual aspect to a rape play scene, there are other dark role plays that may not be explicitly sexual but carry their own unique risks. These are scenes that deal with hate crimes, play that involves the degradation or exploitation of a participant based on their perceived membership in a social group, usually defined by race, religion, sexual orientation, disability, class, ethnicity, nationality, age, gender, gender identity, social status, or political affiliation.

That’s a broad, almost limitless palette from which to draw ammunition for some fucked-up scenarios, no? I understand that you may think, Hey, there’s nothing out there for me to subject myself to that might fit into a scary, dark scene. I call shenanigans. Are you a wealthy heterosexual white man? Then you might find yourself in a bad way if you fell into the clutches of a female supremacist bent on vengeance, full of disgust and scorn for your worthless, useless excuse for genitals and your grotesque white male privilege. Again, it is all about expanding your definition of what is risky, what is edgy, and personalizing the depersonalization.

In a group discussion about taboo play once, an individual who self-identified as transgendered hesitantly revealed a fantasy they’d had of coordinating a scene that would enact a “fag bashing.” This person wanted to experience an eroticized version of being mocked, abused, assaulted, and sexually violated because of their perceived gender. This was an especially nuanced exploration for them, they explained, as their affect is often fluid and they embrace a mercurial approach to gender and how they define it. Their hesitation was understandable: they were revealing this highly taboo fantasy in a room full of strangers. While I strive to create a space that is safe for people to share this dark matter, you can never know how other people will react to such revelations. As we expanded the discussion to include this type of play, we talked about risks and how one might approach broaching this topic with a potential play partner. I looked around the room and saw several attendees evincing gleams of recognition and nodding their heads vigorously. I addressed the room: “Hey, anyone else here think this sounds hot, dirty, shocking, fucked up, edgy, awesome?” At least a dozen hands shot up, to the surprised delight of the person who had so shyly revealed themselves. “I suggest you start taking numbers, I think you have some planning to do!” I said. We laughed, and dove in further.

I have a friend who uses a wheelchair who shocked the hell out of a roomful of jaded perverts by enacting the victim in a scene where he was kicked out of his chair, dragged around, degraded, and humiliated with all manner of shocking epithets and completely inappropriate language. Yeah, that is pretty fucked up. But the point is, he wanted that experience in order to feel that he is a survivor. From the ashes of such debasement he can rise and feel even stronger and more empowered than before. Once you’ve had the snot beaten out of you and been called a “crippled faggot gimp” and survived, it can be very empowering to take back the power of those words over you.

Revealing your dark fantasies is risky, yes. But if you do not, you all but zero out your chances of realizing your desires. I struggled for years with memories of a cacophony of conflicts after I discovered my curiosity about pushing the boundaries of sexual consent. As I embarked on a quest to explore my demons, I had to scrape off layer upon layer of guilt and shame before I was clear enough to free my own mind. For me, daring to stare into the face of racism, classism, and sexism and discover why they tripped my erotic triggers was the key to finding a profound level of personal authenticity.

Let’s be honest: the majority of us struggle, at some point, with self-esteem. It can be crippling to have our fears reinforced by hate. Suppose you were in a scenario where a partner is belittling you for being Mexican, or queer, Irish Catholic, or Muslim, or short, or fat, a redhead, a Jew, a man, a woman, intersex—for being different just because you are you. But what if you realized that these words didn’t have the power over you that you thought they did? What if you were able to weather this abuse, this ugliness, and walk away unscathed? Or stronger? What if you were able to look upon your abuser thereafter with compassion instead of rage?

And for those who might take up the mask of the evil villain, think how liberating it would be to revel in those wicked thoughts—thoughts that all of us have entertained. It is not acceptable, in our current social climate, to judge people based on their appearance, to want to take them down, dehumanize them, plunder their body, feed off their fear, consume their energy. But through taboo role play you can. You can let this demon out to play, and acknowledge that these thoughts and feelings do not, in fact, make you a monster. They make you human. You can view yourself with more compassion, knowing that this wickedness is not the totality of your being, even when you indulge your terrifying fantasy.

The first time I negotiated and participated in a scene that explicitly included race-based abuse, my main fear wasn’t for my safety. It was for the safety of my partner, who was my friend. I wasn’t certain how I would react, whether this would be okay, and mostly, whether I would fly off the handle and try to rip his face off. The scene progressed from casual physical dominance to verbal humiliation, racially tinged verbal abuse, and finally a complete onslaught of overwhelming physical force, invasive sexual aggression, and scathing racial slurs. I panicked for a moment, lost and unsure of why I was here, why I’d permitted this terrible thing to happen. I stared up at him with shock and real fear mingling uneasily in my gut. He eyed me with a lustful disgust that froze my skin. Then he leaned in and asked me,

“Are you wet?”

My mouth dropped in shock. There was no way I—

“Because everyone knows how you nigger cunts love to have the shit kicked out of you. And you know I’ll have you begging to take my white cock in your mouth, up your ass—anywhere I want it. Won’t you.”

I started sobbing, confused and crushed and unable to fight anymore. He shoved me harder against the wall, one hand sliding down over my belly and stopping just short of my pussy. I remembered to resist again but this only evoked a tightening of his hand on my throat.

“Let’s just see, shall we? Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe you aren’t dripping wet and ready to beg me for it. But I doubt it.”

I was certain I wasn’t physically aroused at all. I was enraged, terrified, scared, yes, but it was impossible that—

A sharp inhalation of breath into my lungs was the counterpoint to a contemptuous exhalation of breath from his as his fingers slid effortlessly inside me, twisting with a punishing roughness that blurred my vision as I kicked my feet against him. The look in his eyes was fearsomely cold, and for a moment I was not at all sure where my friend had gone.

“Go on, come like the dirty groveling black bitch you are.”

And, gods help me, I did. Shocked, overwhelmed, and completely undone. I orgasmed violently as he stared at me impassively.

In the aftermath of the scene, I was truly shocked at how I had reacted in the midst of what seemed like an impossible situation. Several days later, when I could finally talk to my friend again, I told him about the moment when he seemed really into it. He smiled “Well, weren’t you?”

Indeed.

Is it wiring? Are those of us who crave dark play simply different? Or are we just whistling in the dark as we play with our demons, courageous enough to exploit them for our own pleasure and pain? Ultimately it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I have the freedom to make choices—that I have the ability to make a decision to live according to my desires, even if they terrify me.

I encourage you, you with unsettling dreams who find your minds slipping into crevasses when you contemplate devious scenarios: let go of judgment. Get dirty and see who you are on the other side of that darkness. The answer might surprise you.

Nearly a year ago, a guy from New York cruised me online, seeking to be imprisoned in my dungeon for the rest of his life. He sought degradation, abuse, humiliation, and (to put it mildly) escape from his current reality. In the ensuing months, he and I maintained a sporadic but ongoing dialogue via email.

His communications by email, chat, and phone intrigued me, and I sought to understand where the guy was coming from and how serious his search was. I found him erratic and ambivalent, and he demonstrated cyclical behavior that told me something was wrong. I finally figured out that he was a drug addict who engaged in episodes of physical abuse every four to six weeks.

His mode of operation was to deny his feelings for about a month, until he could no longer resist them. At that point he would get some recreational drugs to boost his courage, find a man or two to abuse him badly, and then slink home. When the drugs had worn off, he forsook such activity until the cravings slowly reentered his mind and he repeated the cycle.

By the time I had figured this out, my curiosity was at a high point, and I wanted to know more about others like him who wished to be so degraded. To be honest, the controlling and sadistic sides of me were aroused as well. What would it be like, I wondered, to own a subhuman creature like this?

I spent many months researching the profiles of men on various online kink networking sites who sought to serve the darkness. Though they used a wide variety of terms, they all wanted one thing: to become objects of degradation and intense control. Their posts included the words dark, satanic, objectification, filth, permanent, mutilation, scat, worship, and incarceration. These posts are examples of what I mean:

There was, too, another aspect to my curiosity. In recent years I have been struck by the increasing presence of edge play in our BDSM subculture. Everywhere I turn, I see, hear about, or read about another seminar featuring blood play, highly risky behavior, and taboo-breaking practices of all kinds—public fetish behavior that would have been frowned upon 10 years ago has become almost commonplace.

I wondered what it means that our community is becoming increasingly more inclusive of the darker kinds of play. Where does it lead? Where does it end? I found that I couldn’t resist exploring these questions, knowing that there were aspects of myself that sought the same darkness, even as the PC Jack resisted such an admission.

So I posted a new and relatively anonymous bio from an invented (though not really far from reality) persona called the Dark Lord:

Over six months, I received numerous hits on my profile and a large number of “cruises,” where members signaled interest in serving me. To those who did so, I wrote back asking if they were interested in “serving my dark desires.” Many replied yes and were invited to apply.

Applying became the standard for evaluating their interest. I asked for their email address, chat ID, and phone number so I could contact them off-site. About 120 men responded with contact information, and it is on my communications with these men that I base the following reflections. (If you were one of these men, let me assure you that my interest was, and still is, genuine. It was more than just a research project.)

GLOSSARY OF TERMS

Over the ensuing months, I found myself in the position of explaining what I, the Dark Lord, meant by several of the terms in my profile. Among them were words we often use but that have troubling implications in our Judaic-Christian society. Let me begin by trying to shed some light on what I mean by some of these terms.

For numerous social, religious, and historical reasons the polarity of Light and Dark is often equated with the polarity of Good and Evil. Therefore the “Dark Lord” is immediately identified with Satan, as is the Dark Side.

In nature, both light and dark are neutral phenomena. Only when we enter the realm of morality and theology does the imputation of evil to darkness begin to cause serious problems. If indeed God is everywhere, then God is in the darkness as well as the light. Is Satan really the opposite of God? Is Satan “outside” of God? I doubt it.

In much of the correspondence the Dark Lord received, there were inquiries into satanic worship. My response was to refer the applicant to Elaine Pagels’s excellent book The Origin of Satan. This renowned Gnostic scholar shows that Satan is the creation of Hebrew/Christian intolerance of others. I came to the conclusion that I was not a satanist insofar as I refused to worship a creature that I did not believe existed as the caricature depicted in my childhood.

Similarly, I was asked about blasphemy and eternal damnation. It became obvious that most applicants had a strong belief in basic Judaic-Christian paradigms, especially the ones that condemned them to Hell. Over and over again, I saw that both the fantasy and the discussion were in fact based in religion, and unfortunately based on unclear—and unconscious—beliefs.

I also noticed that many terms (some of which I used in my profile above) were relative, interpreted according to the applicants’ religious perspective. What is blasphemy, for instance, to one devotee is holiness to another. Muslims think that Hindus are blasphemous idolaters. I don’t get the idea that Hindus agree with them.

Intrinsic in the consideration of darkness is one’s spiritual beliefs and understanding of good and evil. Though we don’t often state it, an altered state is often akin to a Gnostic revelation. Gnosis is, after all, a theological belief that deity is present in and operates in the human selfhood. The Dark Lord made it clear in his list of stipulations that he wanted to be worshipped, to literally become the slave’s god.

Obedience, then, was seen as obedience to god. The Dark Lord’s authority, for the slave, would become pervasive, even complete. The gulf between the exalted Lord and the degraded slave would become—what? Infinite? Where does this god trip lead? What does the extreme nature of this polarity create in terms of the power exchange?

These questions might seem preposterous, but they are not out of order to those who are seriously involved in master/slave relationships. On occasion, a slave has admitted to worshipping his or her master or a master has admitted to having a godlike relationship with his or her slave.

It is easy to dismiss such practices by saying, “Oh, they don’t really mean God with a capital G.” But it is clear that for some, “the Lord” is not Jehovah, Jesus, or Allah, or any of the other gods of traditional worship.

When we look at the polarity of light and dark in terms of the known and the unknown, we find ourselves in the realm of what is conscious and what is unconscious. It is not an unfamiliar analogy; we are all cognizant of the phrase “the heart of darkness,” popularized by a novel of that title by Joseph Conrad. What evil, after all, lurks in the heart of man?

My reading of Jungian psychology has given me some ideas about what it is that we do in the BDSM community. As I see it, the intent of BDSM is to transport both the bottom and the top to an altered state of consciousness, though it certainly can mean other things to other players. There are many terms for the mind trip: an out-of-body experience, “going deep,” for the bottom, subspace, for the top, top space. Whatever name you give it, it is an often-sought but rarely achieved trip of extraordinary bliss, joy, and peace. In scholarly literature it has been referred to as an altered state of consciousness (ASC).

Though most players are satisfied with (dare I say it?) “conventional” fetishes such as flogging, whipping, and fisting as a way to enter an altered state, the Dark Lord’s applicants expressed a desire to progress to more intensive activities, such as blood play, extreme pain, degradation, and scat.

It is obvious that even as players flout some taboos, other taboos remain that are too kinky for most of us and that, therefore, we will not violate. The Dark Lord’s exploration raises the question “Where do we draw the line?”

Yet are there really any lines to cross in the mind? What darkness lurks in the depth of one’s unconscious self? How do we integrate that darkness in our lives to become whole persons? Or do we do so at all?

The most difficult part of my exploration of the Dark Lord was the question of limits. In light of the extreme nature of some of these desires, what were my own limits? How far was I willing to go? Would I, for instance, allow a partner to worship Satan, eat my shit, or languish in darkness while chained to a cold stone wall in my dungeon?

How do you answer these questions when faced with an email such as this: “SIR, it knows it was predisposed for a life of slavery under your control. It knows it is ready to surrender its worthless pathetic self in submission and obedience to your will, helping it to obtain deeper actualization of its true slave nature as it satisfies your every command. Its innermost need is to submit 100% of its mind, body, soul, and spirit/ego. It is ready!”

I believe that one of the most important benefits of BDSM is that it creates a space and a community where we can safely explore the deep longings of our soul, where we can be the sissy maid or slave or pirate or top or lady we long to be. Is it so unlikely that the same subculture could allow us to be the shit-slave toilet, the degraded object, or the worthless subhuman?

As we say, “It’s only kinky when you don’t do it.” How can we label something as “too extreme” when what we do every day is labeled just that way by mainstream society?

In the end I did come up with limits: I wouldn’t do anything that was illegal. I would not spread disease or inflict physical harm that would necessitate a doctor’s care. I would not allow an applicant to become financially dependent upon me.

Those limits were generally acceptable to most applicants, though several of them refused to continue the conversation when they figured out that the Dark Lord would require them to pay room and board and to have health insurance. “I’m the Dark Lord,” I wrote more than once, “not a jail keeper or a sugar daddy.”

Others ended the dialogue when I refused to entertain their need for intoxicants to undergo their fantasy. I am a firm believer in experiencing fetish to the fullest, rather than using drugs or alcohol to mitigate its effects. I have also found that drug-using slaves are useless when it come to service of any kind, and the Dark Lord demands to be served. It is all about the Dark Lord’s desires—they must come first.

I have long held the belief that not every fantasy is meant to become a reality. We must decide which fantasies can be lived and which cannot. The track records of those 120 applicants made my decision-making process a lot easier than one would expect.

Of the 120 applicants, some 15 are still showing interest, and about half of those are of more recent acquaintance. As with most cruising, the majority have simply failed to respond to the emails, chats, or phone calls I initiated in an effort to continue a dialogue. Few ever got to the point of seeing my dungeon. Some, to their credit, ended the conversation politely, giving such reasons as “You’re too old for me,” “I have to beg off due to family problems,” and “I’m not really into the raunch and worship you seek.” These results are the same I’ve found with cruising in general.

But I think there is an unspoken message in this as well. When faced with the possible reality of our deepest desires, their desirability fades quickly. We allow other choices to take precedence over the darkest of our dreams.

There seems to be a contradiction here that probably derives from poorly defined terminology. How, for instance, can an “object” object to the age of its owner? Could a chair or a goldfish do this? I think not. It is only when the full effect and the extent of the objectification dawns on us that we see what appears to be its intrinsic impossibility. Would any of these cybercruisers, after all, be willing to actually live in a dungeon without access to the Internet?

In my 28 years as a practicing leatherman I have learned much about myself and my desires. I’ve come to the conclusion that my primary fetish is control, which is certainly exercised through other fetishes, especially those involving pain and bondage. As my profile made clear, the overriding characteristic I sought from an applicant was obedience. I wanted to be in control.

The conundrum I repeatedly encountered was that applicants would make requirements that allowed them to maintain some kind of control. So I had men who wanted everything I offered but who, for example, refused to provide for their own upkeep.

It seems to me that the control issue fundamentally stems from instinctual reactions (see Maslow’s hierarchy of needs) that we have little likelihood of overcoming, self-preservation being the most obvious of them. Ceding complete control to another is much too dangerous for the psyche to allow, unless the control is limited by factors that render it less than complete.

The only plausible path out of this contradiction is to create a deep bond of trust between the “object” and his or her Lord. I wonder, though, if this bond, as necessary as it is, might not then pose another difficulty: that this trust mitigates or eradicates the polarity in such a way that domination and subjugation, in their most intense forms, lose their power and effect.

The great value of our BDSM subculture, I believe, is that it creates the conditions for us to experiment with desire without limit, judgment, or exception. The key word here is experiment. Experimentation often means just dabbling—that is, entertaining a thought without necessarily executing it fully. Our community is in the fortunate position of being able to express to an extent and therefore experience to an extent aspects of ourselves of which we are only partly conscious. This allows us the opportunity to experience the deepest darkness, neither repressing nor expressing it, while being able to assess its meaning and implications.

Even given what little experience I was able to gain of the more extreme activities in the Dark Lord’s profile, I found considerable information about the meaning of darkness, of perversion, and of authenticity. That information can best be summed up as realizing that we can see the dark side, admit to it, learn something about it and about ourselves, without necessarily embracing or becoming what we might desire.

Yes, I saw self-destruction in the motivation of some who sought refuge, degradation, or punishment in the Dark Lord’s dungeon. I have seen “Dark Lords” act irresponsibly as well. More often, though, I found men who were seeking to unravel the complexity of their desires while intuitively, if not explicitly, holding on to the more fundamental necessity of self-preservation and healthy activity.

ABOUT THE DARK LORD

In the final analysis, this exploration was more about myself than about my applicants. Though the conversation continues with a few men who are seeking a more intense form of slavery, the fruitlessness of the search leads me to question its validity and viability. I have also had to evaluate how real my desire was to become the Dark Lord.

Patrick, my slave and partner of more than 15 years, commented recently that my failure to attract a viable “object” rested within myself. It was just not part of my nature, he thought, to engage in the kind of dehumanization, humiliation, and degradation that being the Dark Lord required. My discussions with applicants led them to see that I lacked the ego, the necessary haughtiness, to pull off the role successfully. I was just too friendly, too kind, to be that dark.

A recent scene with one of the applicants I continue to have contact with illustrates my personal conundrum. The man in question vacillates between wanting degradation and avoiding it. When, after four months of nearly talking the idea to death, he arrived to try a week in my dungeon, he was well guarded by a list of limits I had agreed to, many of which left control in his hands, not mine. The fundamental issue was his inability to trust me. I couldn’t tie him to an immovable object, for instance—chain him to the wall in the dungeon or to a cross. It was obvious that putting him in a cage for the night was out of the question until he knew me better.

Could I have simply violated his limits and tied him up anyway? I think I could have. Would the Dark Lord have done so? Certainly. Would I have? Not then and there, and probably never. Should I have? Ah, there’s the question, since I certainly wanted to. Darkness, it would seem, lurks in my heart just as fully as in any other.

NEXT

Having enjoyed and learned from the Dark Lord experience, I will continue it, adapting my approach to the lessons I learned. There’ll be less compromise and more authority in my words and actions. As for its fruitfulness, or lack thereof, I will most likely spend less attention on it, except for those candidates who indeed show some process of developing a relationship with me.

I have come to the conclusion that if I am to realize my Dark Lord fantasy, I have to act as the Dark Lord would. I cannot be “Jack” and “Dark” at the same time. Only time will tell if I can become the Dark Lord. On the other hand, time has made it obvious that I want to do so. I want to see where this ends. If and when it does, I’m sure there’ll be another story to tell.

My name is Edge, and I mindfuck. Oh, I do lots of other things—beat the crap out of faggots,[24] feed smoke to stogiepigs, throw some mean Japanese rope bondage, hell, I even cuddle (though only with my cub)—but mindfuck is what I’m most known for because, really, it’s what I do best. Dunno how, dunno why. Just a knack, ya know? I mean, give me a singletail and I’m a total klutz; I’ll have it wrapped around my neck somehow in minutes. Give me a TENS unit and I’ll end up crossing some wires and shorting the whole thing out. Give me a set of needles and I’ll gently place them back down. But give me one hour—just one hour—with you, alone in a room, and you will know what mindfuck is. And you will not forget. Not a promise, not a threat, just a fact. But, shit, you’re there and I’m here so this essay is gonna have to do.

Read on. Get wet. Get hard. Get scared. Get excited. Get it. It’s good.

Before we get into the meat of the matter, though, I have a few warnings. First, this isn’t an essay that teaches technique. There is no cookie-cutter mindfuck, really—no single thing you can do with everyone. That’s what makes mindfuck so powerful and really so intimate. My goal here is to introduce you to some of the dynamics in this kind of scene, to give you some sense of the process. Second, because you’re often playing with fear, which risks panic, this can be a kind of edge play. Third, I’m revealing secrets of the trade in this essay, so stop reading if that spoils it for you. It’s a bit like knowing the secrets behind a magician’s tricks. Knowing how the illusion works either 1) spoils it for you, 2) makes it that much easier for you to volunteer to be sawed in half, or 3) helps you enjoy the magic that much more because you can appreciate the skill of the sleight of hand. If it’s going to spoil it for you, stop reading and go get mindfucked. Finally, I’m going to sound like a psycho killer at times. I am not. Promise.

WHAT THE FUCK?

Assuming you’re still reading, let’s start by thinking about just what mindfuck is and isn’t. There are any number of ways we might define mindfuck: playing with someone’s head, edge play with consciousness, consensual hallucination (which is why mindfuck works so nicely in cyberspace), erotic terrorism, sexual lying, or perhaps even a theater of intimacy. But there’s one definition I tend to use the most because I think it best describes what happens in a mindfuck scene: Mindfuck is making someone think something is happening that isn’t really happening.

What do I mean by that? Well, mindfuck can cover a broad spectrum of activities, ranging from the rather mild to the extremely wild. For example, a rather mild mindfuck would be tying up and blindfolding your partner and then making her think you’ve left or that someone else has arrived. An edgier example would be starting a scene by making someone write his suicide note at gunpoint. (And, yes, I’ve done that one. Always tear up the first note and tell them it’s not convincing enough. Be sure to obtain samples of their signature well before the scene so that you can confirm they’re not faking that part either. Doesn’t hurt to make them dig their own grave, too. Just saying.)

There are many things mindfuck isn’t, even though it often gets bound up, mixed up, and confused with those other things. For example, mindfuck isn’t always edge play. Edge play is pushing the envelope of a scene—any scene. So edge play for you may include very risky activities, like breath control and weapon sex, but really, every scene has its own edge: plaster bondage is an edge form of bondage, double fisting is an edge form of fisting, singletail whipping is an edge form of flailing. So, while a lot of mindfucks can be edge play, they don’t have to be. Conversely, most edge play doesn’t involve mindfuck at all.

Mindfuck isn’t playing head games, though you might think of head games as a kind of nonconsensual mindfuck. “Game players” (and they’re all over cyberspace) are creating that sense of illusion and are, essentially, lying, but not in a way that works for both players. Clearly, the person doing the lying is getting something out of it, maybe getting off on it, but the person being lied to has not agreed to be lied to. That’s not to say that head game players are not into mindfuck, but it is a way to further delineate what makes mindfuck mindfuck. One of its essential elements is the mysterious and intoxicating paradox of consensual nonconsent. Consensual nonconsent can be summarized like this: I’m going to lie to you all throughout the mind fuck but only ’cause you’ve told me it’s okay to fuck with your head like that. To put it simply, mindfuck always requires the consent of all parties involved.

Mindfuck isn’t mind control. Mindfuck is making someone believe something is happening that isn’t really happening; mind control is making someone believe something is happening that really is happening. With mindfuck, trust is used to enter and then leave this altered sense of what is real. With mind control, trust is used to enter and then make permanent this altered sense of what is real. The two work very well together and are often combined, but they’re definitely not the same thing.

Finally, mindfuck isn’t interrogation. I often see mindfuck and interrogation paired in classes at various SM educational events, but there’s a crucial difference—you know the interrogation isn’t real: you’re not really a prisoner of war and your Top doesn’t really work for the Gestapo, you’re not really a perp and your Top isn’t really a cop (well, unless you’re really, really lucky). It’s the sense of could-be-real-but-hope-it-isn’t that defines mindfuck for me, and that’s something that doesn’t happen in interrogation scenes. Besides, you know how to end an interrogation scene: give up the right info. For a bottom in a mindfuck scene, half the fun is not knowing how, when, or whether it will end.

Given what mindfuck is and isn’t, any scene can use mindfuck but some scenes seem particularly good for it. In particular, scenes that might seem difficult to do “for real” make sense for mindfuck, since mindfuck can make extreme situations feel real. I’m talking about scenes like kidnapping, white slavery, rape, castration, even snuff. Whoa—extreme examples, I know, but if you’re the kind of person who has desires like these, mindfuck comes in very handy.

WHY THE FUCK?

So why the fuck do people get into mindfuck? For one thing, there’s a good biological reason. In the kink scene there are a lot of endorphin junkies, often called pain pigs. They get a real, actual physical high from pain because the brain releases its own natural painkillers. In the same way, mindfuckers can be considered adrenaline junkies. Fear triggers the fight-or-flight response, fueled by adrenaline, which, as it turns out, is chemically related to amphetamines. Granted, it’s a very different kind of high for mindfuckers: not a mellow, floaty “my vulva is one with the universe” high but a jittery, revved-up “oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck” kind of high. Endorphins are like great downers but adrenaline is uppers all the way. And it’s just as addictive. Don’t believe me? Go ask anyone who likes to jump off bridges or out of airplanes.

For others, though, part of the appeal of mindfuck is its potential for magic. One way to define magic is to say that it is the ability to alter someone’s perception of reality. In that sense, mindfuck literally is a kind of magic because during the mindfuck things feel very real. Thus it can be used for very transformative, spiritual, cathartic, shamanic scenes: walking someone through death or trauma, for example. I’ve used mindfuck a lot for catharsis. I helped one boy through the loss of his Daddy on 9/11 and a woman deal with the fact that her family had deliberately forgotten her grandfather because he didn’t get out of Germany in time during the Holocaust. Powerful, magical shit it is.

But for the more jaded among us (me included) mindfuck is about a special kind of fear—the fear and wonder we had when we first got into kink. Let’s face it, at first kink is mysterious and unreadable and even a little scary, but it becomes prosaic, if not boring. You know what they say: it’s only kinky the first time. My cock used to drip just seeing a pair of cheap handcuffs, but these days I need the most elaborate restraints devised by the most devious minds just to get my attention. That kinda sucks. Mindfuck brings back the edge—the edge is where we teetered before exploring kink, before we stepped into this world. I can remember my first few scenes. My heart would be racing, my stomach flip-flopping. Nerves, fear, adrenaline. It’s nice to feel that way again once you’ve gotten inured to it all.

And as with most forms of SM, people get off on mindfuck because it plays so well with power. The bottom experiences an enormous sense of being controlled, because someone is “in your head.” Mindfuck goes beyond physical control and reaches into the psyche, where it feels much more real. And fuckkkkk, what a rush for the Top to feel that kind of power and control.

Add it all up, and you can see that mindfuck also lets us experience outlaw SM. Safe, sane, consensual, risk-aware consensual kink—blah blah blah. Mindfuck lets you do all the stuff you’re not supposed to do. You’re not supposed to rape people. You’re not supposed to kill them. You’re not supposed to offer their souls to Satan in return for more power and pleasure. You’re only supposed to play nice—hard maybe, but still nice. Mindfuck lets you play nasty, though again only through consensual nonconsent.

THE 3 F’N MFS

I know a lot of my examples tend to the edgy side of mindfuck (look at my name, for Christ’s sake) but there are whole other categories of mindfuck to consider. And thanks to my enormous anal-retentiveness, I’ve categorized three types of mindfucks. I call these the “3 F’n MFs.”

Fear-based mindfucks involve scenes that derive their erotic energy from fear. And yeah, these are the kinds of mindfucks I do, primarily. For example, playing with weapons is a fear-based mindfuck. The gun could be real—but it doesn’t have to be to get the same charge. The fear’s the thing, and fear is inherent to the scene. It drives the play and it gets the players off.

Fantasy-based mindfucks involve scenes that may not contain elements of fear but rather transmutations that cannot happen in reality. For example, there are folks out there with micro-philia and macrophilia—fantasies of shrinking to the size of a toy or growing into a giant. That’s not something you can do for real, but it is something you can approximate with mindfuck. I’ve also run across more than one man who fantasizes about being turned into a cigar. Again, can’t actually make it happen, but since mindfuck makes you think something’s happening that isn’t, it can help a pig explore these kinds of unrealizable desires.

Now, technically faith-based mindfucks should be called “trust-based,” but then it wouldn’t be the “3 F’n MFs” and I’m not only anal-retentive but also hungry for symmetry. These are mindfucks that eroticize not fear or fantasy but trust. They involve tests of service, submission, and trust and can be used to deepen the relationship between a Master or Mistress and a slave. Imagine a scene that starts with a Mistress asking “How far are you willing to go for me?” and you can imagine where mindfuck can take two people. My favorite example isn’t sexual but it is from the Bible. (Blasphemous, I know, but that kinda turns me on.) God tells Abraham, “Hey, go kill yer son Isaac for me” and Abraham just about does it, then God says, “Nah, I was just mindfucking you.” Classic!

There’s also one category of antimindfuck. This is something you should not play with ever, period. Do not ever mindfuck around someone’s phobias. Why? Phobias are by definition irrational fears; irrational fears provoke panic; and panic is dangerous for everyone in the scene. I have a great story to illustrate what I mean. I played with a boy once who told me about a scene he had with some other Top. The guy had the boy in leather restraints chained to a bed. He also knew the boy had arachnophobia, fear of spiders. So Mr. Dumbass Top decides to take out his pet tarantula and put it on the restrained boy’s chest. The boy reported to me that tarantulas make a popping sound when they hit the wall. (He broke through the restraints.)

Drowning’s the one for me. You can do a lot of shit to me, but since I almost drowned when I was a kid you play around with that at all and I’m gonna freak and then take it out on you. So, no phobias—agreed?

FUCKIN’ RULES

It should be pretty clear by now that mindfuck is a huge fucking category with lots of room for all kinds of kinksters to do all kinds of things. But there are some basic rules to keep in mind to help any kind of mindfuck happen.

The Top, by definition, has to know more about the scene than the bottom. This starts with a balance of communication and mystery. The bottom has to know what’s going to happen but also know that he doesn’t know everything that’s going to happen, or how it’s going to happen. The bottom has to know the Top enough to trust her, but not so much that she feels fully safe. There needs to be some lingering doubt, always, and always carefully managed. I like to say that the bottom should only trust you enough to show up for the scene.

So as the Mindfucker you have to know if the gun is loaded, and the bottom can’t know. (You have to know if the gun is real, too, and the bottom can’t know.) You have to know if you’re going to kill that person, and the bottom can’t know. You have to know how it will end, and the bottom can’t know.

This also means that you have to know what your bottom knows. I’ve done a bit of weaponsex and I always get hard shoving the barrel of my 9 mm Beretta 92FS down some hungry pig’s throat. But I ain’t an idiot. The gun I use is 1) a realistic blank-firing replica and 2) never loaded. But a smart pig who’s done a lot of gunsex is gonna suck on that barrel when it’s in his mouth. Why? Get plenty of air, there’s no bullet in the chamber, so you know it’s not loaded (or at least not chambered). All the fear goes away and, heck, that ain’t much fun. So, if I know I’m playing with a pig who knows how to do that, man, I just plug up that barrel with a bit of cotton. I can see the fear in their eyes when their clever little trick sends them a whole different message, the message I want them to have in their heads.

That’s because “Control the Info” means more than just “controlling” information; it means managing the information a bottom has access too. Innuendo, sensory control, half-truths—they all play a part. In this sense, a blindfold is your best friend, because the brain is used to processing visual information. Slap a blindfold on anyone, and I mean anyone, and the mindfuck has started. Their brain just runs with the last visual input it got and then tries to extend it. So, you see me with a big fucking hunting knife and then I blindfold you. Your brain still sees that knife and not the little wooden toothpick I’m poking at your privates. Information managed. Same thing with sound, once someone’s blindfolded. Get ’em tied, get ’em sightless, walk away, slam the door. They’re going to think you left. They won’t know, of course, but it’s that not knowing that makes the mindfuck happen.

The mindfuck isn’t happening out here in the real world, though it might look that way. Instead, the mindfuck is always happening up in the bottom’s head. So the Mindfucker needs to get the bottom to do the bulk of the work up in there. That means you don’t want to overdo anything in the scene; instead, you need to provide the context for the bottom to activate the scene. For example, one very bad mindfuck scene I was in was a kidnapping back in my bottoming days that was just, well, melodramatic. After the guy “kidnapped” me (by which I mean I had to help him drag me over to the waiting van), he “called” someone and said something along the lines of “I’ve got him. Erase all his information.” Oy. I knew it was only going to go downhill from there because it was suddenly very obvious just how not real this kidnapping was. The Top did too much, went too far.

Best way to follow the Less Is More rule? Confirm nothing. I once totally mindfucked this bootlicker online. He was convinced, and I mean utterly convinced, that I was controlling his mind. The chats went something like this:

“Oh, fuck, Sir, you’re in my head, aren’t you?”

“Am I?”

“Shit, I knew it. Fuck, what are you doing to me?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know.” I didn’t have to do anything. I didn’t even really have to lie to him about what was going on. I just had to hold back and let his head fuck itself. Sweet.

As a Top you need to deliver the mindfuck and maintain it; otherwise the spell will be broken. That means reading where the bottom is, doing what it takes to maintain the illusion, but also knowing when it’s coming to a head and timing the scene appropriately. Every lie has its limits. You need to know those limits and tweak the dynamic to keep the sense of unreality real. For example, you get all jazzed and jizzed thinking about me drugging and raping you, so when you show up I shove a pill down your throat (maybe make you wash it down with my piss). Now, at first, you’re gonna think it’s all happening. And, soon, you’re going to feel a little weird and probably a little tired. I mean, fuck, we’re all tired these days, so no wonder, right? But sooner or later you’re going to realize you’re not passing out. That lie has a definite limit.

THE FUCKING SAFETY VALVE

All these rules support one goal: for the Top to get the bottom to the point where she can say up in her head, I know I’m safe and this isn’t real, but what if it is? I call this the safety valve because it allows the bottom to control the amount of fear he wants to experience. Not excited enough? Let yer head drift over to the What if it is real? side. Starting to freak out? Slide back down to I’m safe and this isn’t real.

This safety valve mechanism is crucial for a successful mindfuck. If you leave out either part of it, it all falls to shit. If the bottom is sitting there only thinking the first part, I’m safe and this isn’t real, then there’s no fear, no fulfillment of fantasy, no test of faith. It’s just another scene. Fun, maybe, hot, maybe, but just another scene where we’re all safe and playing hard but nice. At the same time, fuck, you’re screwed if all you remember is the second part, but what if it is? If the bottom gets stuck on the idea that it’s all real, you risk real panic. And panic, let me say again, is a really, really bad thing in a scene.

The good news is that it’s not that hard to get the valve working. That’s what the rules are for. Control the Info to leave enough doubt to activate both sides. Remember that Less Is More, and the bottom’s head can do all the work, sliding up and down the scale of fear as needed. Deliver and Maintain, and everyone involved can ride that mindfuck for as long as you all want.

SOME FUCKING METHODS

Part of what the rules remind us is that all mindfuck is really self-mindfuck. If you’ve done any play with hypnosis, this might be familiar to you. All hypnosis is self-hypnosis, all mind control is self–mind control. As a mindfucking Top, all you need to do and all you want to do is create the context for this self-persuasion to happen. I’ve got a few methods to help you out with that.

First: Ask questions that prompt contextualized thinking. Ask questions that get the bottom’s head in the right place. For example, in a fear-based mindfuck you might have a verbal script peppered with questions like “Who will miss you most when you die? Will they remember you? Did you say goodbye? Did you say you’re sorry?” In a fantasy-based mindfuck you might be asking, “How will it feel to be turned into a cigar? Do you ever think about what it would feel like to be lit? To feel the heat consuming you?” And in a faith-based mindfuck, the questions are serious shit: “Will you trust me with your life? Will you do anything for me?” Ask the question, and the bottom’s brain takes over. It answers it. It fills in the gaps. It makes the magic happen.

I call my second recommended method “LILO,” which stands for “lie in; lie out.” (Any coders out there reading this? Recognize it? Remember GIGO?) This one’s pretty simple: if you manipulate the information going into the brain, it will make decisions consistent with that information. Obviously this method has a lot to do with both the Control the Info and Less Is More rules. Manipulating sight and sound is part of this technique, but it also involves useful lies like using a replica gun, switching their clothes for larger clothes in a shrinking scene, or just holding something sharp on the balls. Here’s my favorite example of LILO. I did this mindfuck class once where I pulled a victim from the audience and had her holding a small baggie with a little stick in it. I told the whole class about my recent experience with poison ivy (true), read aloud a whole bunch of shit about how nasty and pervasive the active ingredient is (true), talked about how it fucking drove me crazed to feel that itching (true). Then I put on rubber gloves and took out the stick, holding it very, very close to my victim’s skin. She was freaking out, especially when I finally touched her tits with it. Only then did I tell her it was some twig I had found outside the hotel—not poison ivy at all. Lie in; lie out.

Finally (and easiest of all), use silence. Silence just about equals mindfuck. It can be eerie, discomforting, and disturbing. For one thing, it deprives the brain of aural information. For another, we all know someone’s guilty when they plead the Fifth. Remember, the real psycho killer doesn’t tell it to rub the lotion on its skin. The real one doesn’t say anything at all. Just looks at you. Freaky fearful fun, that.

THE FUCKING DYNAMIC

Now, the easiest way to put together all these rules and methods is to think of mindfuck as a kind of theater or performance sex. This means you need to think about plot, setting, props, characters, movement, and climax.

Plot’s a biggie because every mindfuck has a plot. The plot guides the events, structures the dynamic, and suggests the arc of the scene. The plot needs to be discussed but not scripted—there should always be room for improvisation. What’s great about plot is that we live in a culture of stories. That means that for any given plot in any given mindfuck the bottom already knows how it ends. And, because they do, that’s where their head goes. The moment you invade their home, they’re thinking about the rape. The moment you pull out the gun, they’ve already been shot. Thus any plot can be used to “make them mindfuck themselves.” But more basically, the plot lays out the scene.

Setting is important, too, but dammit, setting is tricky, because it’s often hard to get it authentic. For example, I don’t know how things are where you live, but by me all the best abandoned warehouses have already been converted into very trendy lofts. When it comes to setting, sometimes you just have to do the best you can—and sometimes that turns out to be even better. For example, I once played with this Jewish guy who wanted to be the kike to my Nazi. I thought about investing in the big swastika flag and all that; I even looked at a few online. But man, I knew if I bought that online my name would end up on some interesting lists—not just with the government but with some scary-assed companies. So, instead, I printed out a bunch of pages from White Power websites and highlighted some key passages. When the kike arrived, this material was lying on the coffee table. And you know what? It worked even better. Let’s face it, Nazis today don’t live in some freaking Reichstag. They live in apartments and condos and suburban houses. It ended up being a more realistic setting and the scene was fucking hot. Less Is More, you see?

Depending on the mindfuck, props can be really important too. Sometimes these are easy. Want someone to think you’re making them shrink? Give them clothes to wear at the start of the scene and have the exact outfit two sizes larger waiting for them at the end of the scene (all tags ripped out, of course). In a case like that, props make the scene. In all cases, consider what would be appropriate, and then also consider what can be approximated. Like good theater, believing can make something real. For example, one year at IML this guy in the lobby was totally freaking because a bud of mine was in uniform and had a plastic gun. The guy knew it was plastic but it still freaked him out. Control the Info, my friends. Replica guns look and feel very real. (They’re great for pistol-whipping, too.)

I’m a sick bastard so one of my favorite props is a body bag. I don’t mean a bondage bag or a sleepsack. I mean a body bag—you know, the kind they put your corpse in so that your decaying juices won’t get all over the place. What do I do with it? Nothing, really. I just leave it out. Let them see it. If they ask about it, I change the subject. Control the Info. Less Is More. (Told you I’d sound like a psycho killer. I’m not, really.)

If you’re the Top you’re also going to need to develop a character. This is like role play, with one minor, crucial difference: the Top is playing a role but the bottom absolutely cannot be. They just have to be themselves, because if they feel as if they’re playing a role they know it’s not real. But the Mindfucker needs to be absolutely convincing, and sometimes that means thinking inside the bottom’s head and then beyond it. Let me tell you about the psycho killer. He’s not angry; he doesn’t yell. That’s not how to freak out a bottom. Instead, the psycho killer is perfectly calm—a little too calm, if you know what I mean. Fucks them up every time.

I should point out that characters play a role primarily in fear-based mindfucks. In some fantasy-based ones, both of you might be playing a character. In faith-based ones, neither of you should, since it’s all about bringing trust and submission to a whole new level.

True for all mindfucks, though, is that you need movement (or development) and a climax: the scene has to be going somewhere. It might be someplace the bottom knows, or not. For example, in a castration scene, you’re clearly building up to a climax. How fast do you want to move to it? Whatcha gonna do when you get there? As the Top, you should plan these elements in advance and then direct the scene like a theater director.

FUCKING: BEFORE, DURING, AFTER

Before any mindfuck you need to have communication. As a Top, you need to know what the bottom’s trip is and what makes their trip their trip. As a bottom, you need to think about the details. So you want to be kidnapped. Okay, but how? Grabbed and put in a van? Chloroformed? Spiked drink? The details make all the difference. The information should flow mostly one way, of course (see Rule One) but this communication is vital for the bottom too. Does this Top “get” you and your scene? Does she get your head space? You have to know before you show up.

And showing up takes some trust. Fuck, any good scene takes trust. In a mindfuck there needs to be some core of trust—but just enough. As I said before, there should be just enough trust for both parties to show up and start things off. More than that and it’s just going to get in the way. Now, sufficient communication will go a long way in building this trust, but different bottoms will need different levels of assurance. Of course the exception here is the faith-based mindfuck, which is all about trust, which builds on trust already in place.

The last thing you need to do before a mindfuck is have a plan. Spontaneous mindfucks are possible (just run into me at the bar and find out), but the better ones, the more elaborate ones, take some time, some thought, and often a lot of planning. The Top may need to gather specific resources; if nothing else, she should be planting suggestions about what may or may not happen in the bottom’s mind.

During the scene different parties have different things to do. Tops: Assume your character and stay in it. Be schizoid, too. That is, one part of your brain has to be all in psycho killer mode (or for a fantasy-based mindfuck, mad scientist mode); the other part of your brain needs to be sane, needs to monitor both the bottom and that other psycho part of the brain in play. Remember, you can’t stop and check in with a bottom in a mindfuck: “Are you okay? Am I raping you hard enough? Is this gun too scary? Should I put it away?” Ugh. Scene ruined. Being schizoid is the only way. Read the bottom and yourself at all times. That schizoid part also has to be thinking several steps ahead while being adaptable, all at the same time. In more than one scene I could tell the faggot’s level of fear was getting dangerously high, so I had to move things forward to the climax before it all got out of hand.

And bottoms, you have shit to do too. First off, you’ve got to be readable if your schizo Top is going to have any chance to keep things fun. That means being in the moment and communicating where you are in terms of fear or arousal. Yeah, okay, maybe you can’t make your dick hard or your pussy wet on command, but you can certainly control your moans, your begging, even the look in your eyes—an intoxicating mix of fear and trust.

After the scene it’s time for aftercare, as in any scene. Fear-based mindfucks tend to need the most aftercare. Step one: dissipate the danger. If you were using a gun, it’s time to put it away. If the fag Jew is still looking at a swastika, his brain is still pumping out adrenaline. Remove all danger to stop the flow of adrenaline, then wait for them to come down. Remember, we’re talking fight-or-flight here. It’s gonna take them some time to come down from it all. After that, it’s time to discuss what happened—what worked, what didn’t, what went through whose mind when. And, hey, it’s never a bad idea to check in a day or two later as well.

HANDLING DANGER

Now, if a mindfuck is done right you can have all of the danger with none of the actual risk; for example, fake gun equals lots of danger and no risk. But still, because mindfuck is such a powerful scene (because so much of it happens up in the head), there are some real and serious risks to keep in mind. The biggest risk of most mindfucks is that the bottom will freak out. Fortunately, I’ve never had a bottom do that on me—probably more out of luck than skill, though. Still, I’ve thought about what to do in such a situation. Here are my recommendations:

1. First, absolutely remove all dangers, real or fake.

2. Second, ask the bottom what he needs. Anything you say or do without asking this first is what the psycho killer would do. What do I mean? Well, you offer him a drink—he thinks, That’s what the psycho killer would do. You offer to hold her until she calms down—she thinks, That’s what the psycho killer would do. You suggest that it’s probably not a good idea to leave right now because they’re all jacked up on adrenaline—and they think what? Yep, you guessed it: That’s what the psycho killer would do. But asking the bottom what he needs is different, because psycho killers don’t do that.

3. Third, have the bottom call someone he or she knows and trusts. Again, the psycho killer would never do that (witnesses only create complications); it also reconnects the bottom to the real world. They may not feel sure of the real world at first. Ideally, they’ll be able to chat with their friend until the they’re calm enough for some real aftercare—getting that drink, being held, even leaving.

There is one other potential danger, but just for Tops. I don’t know how big this danger is, really. Based on my experience, if you do a lot of mindfuck and you do it well, people will fear you. Depending on your local community, this could mean fewer partners. The flip side, of course, is that your new reputation will do most of the work for you. Heck, some folks won’t ever believe I’m not mindfucking them. Kinda hot, kinda sucks.

FUCKING QUESTIONS

Lastly, there are some basic questions both bottoms and Tops will want to ask before any mindfuck. Two key questions come before all the others.

1. When you are masturbating while thinking about this fantasy, at what point do you come? The mindfuck need go no further than that point.

2. How real would be too real? Rape is a common fantasy and a good scene for a mindfuck. But how real can it be before it stops feeling like a scene and starts feeling like a real rape?

Here are some other questions you might ask, based on the kind of mindfuck you have in mind:

What’s the fear? (Some more or less universal ones are death, severe nonerotic pain, abandonment, loneliness, disappointment, failure.)

How can it be simulated?

How can you set the stage?

What is the sub expecting? Play to it or off it?

Where do you want it to start? Where do you want it to end?

What’s my fantasy? What specifics are key to me?

What about it turns me on?

What is behind this fantasy?

What do you want to accomplish?

How far are you willing to go?

What might go wrong?

Normally, if I were teaching this as a class, this is the point where I would take questions. Can’t really do that in an essay, so I’ll leave you with this kicker: I’ve lied to you six times in this essay. Not about the important stuff, but about me. Which parts are the lies? Think you know? Want to find out? Easy. Give me one hour—just one hour—with you, alone in a room. Deal?

Endnotes