The Woman who Went to Bed for a Year

41

On the 6th of January, before their return to Leeds, the twins were sitting in the Percy Gee Building sipping Diet Coke.

‘You don’t know what it’s like,’ said Brianne. ‘You’ve never been in love.’

She and Brian Junior were waiting to take part in the out-of-term maths competition held at the University of Leicester. The Norman Lamont Cup attracted very few British entrants. The majority of the other competitors did not have English as their first language.

Brian Junior said, ‘I may not have experienced romantic love myself, but I’ve read books about it. And to be honest, I don’t think it’s up to much.’

‘It’s a physical pain,’ said Brianne.

‘But only if it’s unrequited, like yours for Alexander.’

Brianne banged her head on the plastic table. Why can’t he love me back?’

Brian Junior thought for a long time. Brianne waited patiently. They both respected the process of turning precise thought into clear expression.

Eventually, Brian Junior said, ‘One, he’s in love with Mum. Two, you’re not loveable, Brianne. And three, you’re not pretty either.’

Brianne said, ‘It really is annoying that you’re the one with Mum’s physical-beauty genes.

Brian Junior nodded. ‘And you’ve been given Dad’s intimidating masculinity. I’d quite like that.’

‘Why don’t you just, like, say I’m big and butch?’ said Brianne.

There was a loudspeaker announcement: ‘The participants of Level One are asked to make their way to the David Attenborough room.’

The twins remained seated. They watched as the majority of competitors shuffled towards the examination room, much as First Class passengers watch disdainfully as Economy Class passengers traipse towards the boarding desk with their cheap suitcases and grizzling children.

It was a moment the twins always savoured. They said, ‘Sick!’ and slapped a high five.

Their remaining opponents looked up nervously from their laptops. The Beaver twins were a formidable team.

Brianne asked her brother, ‘Do you think we’ll ever find some randoms to love us, Bri?’

‘Does it matter? We both know we’ll be together for life, like swans.