The Woman who Went to Bed for a Year

56

In late February, after the twins had returned to Leeds, they settled back into Sentinel Towers with relief- it was impossible to do any serious work in Bowling Green Road. According to Brian Junior, the doorbell rang on a mean average of 9.05 times per hour.

They decided that they would work together from now on. Each would help the other with their essays and assignments, leaving them more time to spend on their Special Projects.

They started with their finances and sold their mother’s gift of jewellery in a Cash Generator in the city centre. They agreed that in future they would not allow sentiment to influence their plans.

In the second week of their second term, they had successfully hacked into the university’s accommodation records and changed the status of their accounts from ‘Rent Arrears’ to ‘Rent Paid in Full until 2013’. The day after this triumph, which brought each of them an extra £400 a month, they went shopping for clothes.

They sat down on a sofa opposite the changing rooms in Debenhams and talked for a long time about their lives and what they wanted in the future.

Brianne confessed that if she couldn’t have Alexander, she wouldn’t have any man.

Brian Junior told Brianne that he would never marry. ‘I’m not sexually attracted to women or to men,’ he said.

Brianne smiled and said, ‘So, we stick together for life?’

Brian Junior agreed. ‘You’re the only person I can stand to be with for more than four minutes.’

When they had tried their new clothes on, they came out of their respective changing rooms and were astonished at how similar they could look. They were both wearing black and, after a few negotiations, and going back and forth to the rails, they ended up with a uniform. It was all black apart from a leopard-skin belt and the silver accessories on their black cowboy boots.

Mindful of their new and certain future wealth, they left their old clothes in the changing room. As they walked arm in arm through the shopping centre, they began to work on synchronising their steps.

A colourist at Toni & Guy obeyed their instructions and dyed their hair magenta red. After a stylist had given them both a severe geometric cut, they left the salon and headed to the best tattoo parlour in South Yorkshire.

When the operative asked them if they were related to the woman in the bed called Beaver, they responded, ‘No.’

He was disappointed. ‘She’s cool,’ he said.

They were given a rudimentary test for allergies and, while they waited for the results, they sat outside a coffee bar so they could smoke. Nihilists like them felt it was their duty to smoke.

They lit their cigarettes and smoked contentedly before Brian Junior said, ‘Will we ever go back to Bowling Green Road, Brianne?’

What, and have to interface with those awful people we used to call Mum and Dad? Or, as we now know them, The Great Adulterer and his wife, The False Prophet.’

Brian Junior said, ‘I used to love them when I was little – and you did too, Brianne, you can’t deny it!’

‘Little kids are idiots, they believe in the fucking Tooth Fairy, Santa, God!’

‘I believed in them,’ lamented Brian Junior. ‘I believed they’d always do the right thing. Tell the truth. Control their animal desires.’

Brianne laughed. ‘Animal desires? You’ve either been reading the Old Testament or D. H. Lawrence.’

Brian Junior said, ‘Disneyland hurts me. The thought that while we were queuing with Mum for the It’s a Small World ride, Dad was back at the hotel paying for a prostitute with his credit card.’

Brianne said, ‘We’ll say a final farewell to them, shall we?’

Neither of them had a piece of paper. Who used the stuff these days? Together they erased every parental reference from their laptops. Then, Brianne put a virtual fire on screen, and typed in ‘Eva Beaver’ and ‘Brian Beaver’. Brian Junior put his index finger on top of Brianne’s, and together they pressed the key that would cause their parents’ names to burn, and eradicate their memory for all time.

They discussed the tattoo they would each have.

It would be two halves of an equation that together made one perfect sum.

After they left the tattoo studio, they attracted a great deal of attention – but nobody, not even the lowlife who hung around town in the middle of the day, dared to comment.

Brian Junior drew strength and confidence from his sister. In the past, he had walked down the street with his gaze on the pavement. Now he stared straight ahead and people moved away, out of his path.