The Worst-Case Scenario Pocket Guide: New York City

HOW TO SWIM ACROSS THE EAST RIVER

1 Strip naked.

Leave on only a belt.

2 Put your clothes in a garbage bag.

Tie the bag closed so air remains. Using eight feet of thick, waterproof rope, tie the garbage bag to your belt. Leave six feet of slack rope between the bag and the belt.

3 Jump into the river.

Holding the bag and slack rope in one hand, run and jump feet first into the river.

4 Swim in a straight line.

Swim the crawl stroke, alternating 50 arm strokes with eyes closed and head submerged with four strokes swimming with your head above water. Locate the nearest bridge and use it as a reference point. Each time you bring your head up, refer to the bridge to ensure you are moving in a straight line. Scan the horizon in either direction for waterborne obstacles.

5 Use the garbage bag as a flotation device.

To restore your strength, cling to the bag with both hands. Hold your head above the surface and tread water until your arm strength returns sufficiently to continue swimming.

6 Emerge from the water in Brooklyn.

If you have emerged in Queens, get back in the water.

7 Untie the garbage bag from your waist.

Put your clothes back on.

8 Take a shower or bath.

Bathe in clean, fresh water as soon as possible to remove any sediment and pollutants from your skin’s surface.

HOW TO HAIL A TAXICAB

1 Stand “upstream” from other taxi seekers.

Position yourself so a cab coming down the street sees you first.

2 Step to the curb.

3 Lean forward with your arm extended at or above shoulder height.

4 Check both directions.

Turn your head rapidly from left to right to watch for a cab and to guard against someone moving in on your territory.

5 Protect your position.

Stare at anyone who approaches. Squint your eyes and shake your head aggressively, while continuing to wave your arm at the street.

6 Signal for all cabs.

Do not limit yourself to cabs with lit domes. An occupied cab may be dropping someone off; an “off-duty” taxi may just be screening potential passengers.

7 Lock in the cab.

Once a driver sees you, nod at him, sealing the contract. Maintain eye contact with the driver and slowly lower your arm from its hailing position.

8 Signal the direction you want to go.

Indicate a U-turn, a turn at the far corner, or that the cab should pull up exactly to the place you are standing.

9 Enter the cab.

HOW TO ESCAPE A STALLED SUBWAY CAR

1 Alert the authorities of the situation.

Locate the two-way radios at the front of all train cars. Depress the button. Wait for the green light to come on, and speak. Release the button to listen.

2 Move forward to the next car.

Walk to the front of the train (in the direction that the train had been traveling) if the danger is in your car. Grasp the handle of the door at the front of the car and pull it to the right to unhitch. Slide the door open and step carefully over the coupling between cars to the door of the next car. If you cannot see in the darkness of the tunnel, use a cell phone or other mobile device to cast illumination on the tracks.

3 Remain on the train.

Do not get off the train unless you are in immediate danger and have no other option.

4 Exit the train car and climb down from the coupling between cars.

Take off any backpacks or other encumbrances. Shimmy under the metal fencing that links the two cars and step down onto the track bed. Step over the tracks to the platform wall. Avoid stepping on the “third rail,” which runs alongside the subway tracks and carries more than 600 volts of electricity. Climb up onto the platform.

5 If you cannot reach the platform, walk alongside the tracks until you reach a benchwall.

Hug the platform edge and move as quickly as possible in the direction the train was traveling. Locate the benchwall, a small passageway leading off the main tunnel. Enter the benchwall and await help.

6 If the train begins moving behind you, lie down.

Find the depression in the concrete between the rails and lie down. There will be enough room for the train to pass over you.

HOW TO SNEAK PAST A DOORMAN AFTER EVICTION

1 Observe the building from across the street.

Wear a hat and stand in the shadows. Try not to look creepy.

2 Wait for the doorman to be distracted.

Look for opportunities when the doorman:

• is greeting a steady stream of tenants entering and exiting at once (such as at the beginning of the morning commute).

• is on the street, hailing a cab for a tenant.

• is greeting a parent pushing a baby in a stroller, or a tenant walking a cute puppy.

• is retrieving a package from the package room.

3 Walk briskly and confidently into the building.

Carry a pile of mail, a small package, or a shopping bag.

4 Go directly to the elevator bank.

Press the “up” button. Keep your back to the reception desk until the elevator doors open.

5 When leaving the building, again wait for an opportune moment.

If you must walk past the doorman in full view, wave heartily and nonchalantly say “Hello.”

HOW TO FREE YOURSELF FROM A DOG WALKER’S LEASH TANGLE

1 Calm the dogs.

Use a deep, authoritative voice and order the dogs to “sit” and “stay.” Repeat as necessary.

2 Ask the other dog walker to remain still.

Do not attempt to untangle the leashes at the same time (especially if Step 1 was unsuccessful), as the leashes may become increasingly entangled.

3 Grasp your dog’s collar.

Crouch down and reassure your dog that everything is going to be okay. Maintaining your grip on the end of the leash with your right hand, grab the collar of your dog with your left hand, as close to the scruff of her neck as possible.

4 Drop the leash.

When you have firmly secured your dog by her collar, release the leash from your right hand, letting it drop to the ground. Remind the dogs to be calm.

5 Pick up the leash closer to the collar.

Hold the dog in place with your left hand. Pick up the leash again with your right hand, this time as close as possible to the dog’s neck, where you are gripping the collar with your left hand.

6 Reel in the leash.

Gently tug on the leash with your right hand, threading it through the other leash, your dog’s legs, the other dog’s legs, and the other dog owner’s legs.

7 Resume normal leash carry.

Once the leashes are untangled, move your left hand back to the end of the leash.

8 Let go of the collar.

Release your grip on the collar.

9 Resume walk.