The Worst-Case Scenario Pocket Guide: New York City

HOW TO SURVIVE A COCKROACH INFESTATION

1 Rid your kitchen of any food residue.

Thoroughly scour the kitchen counters, dining table, stovetops, and any other areas where food is prepared or consumed. Remove all food from the kitchen and clean inside all cabinets and drawers. Empty, rinse, and scrub every trash can. Clean the refrigerator inside and out, the underside of the microwave, and the crumb tray of the toaster.

2 Clean the rest of your apartment.

Pull out sofa pillows and vacuum away any crumbs using a crack-and-crevice attachment; roll up all carpets and sweep and mop the floor underneath.

3 Dry your apartment.

Look for puddles underneath the sink, around the base of the bathtub, and next to the toilet. At each sink, turn on both taps and, as the water is running, examine the base of the faucet, the tap handle, and the underside of the sink. Tighten the joints and recaulk any areas of seepage. Repeat this procedure with the taps in the bath.

4 Eliminate roach hideouts.

Get down on all fours and crawl from room to room, carefully examining each pantry, closet, drawer, and cupboard. Destroy any potential roach hiding places, such as bags stuffed with other bags, piles of old magazines, or cardboard boxes waiting to be recycled. Open old boxes, take out their contents, flatten the cardboard, and remove from your apartment.

5 Place “survey traps” in ten sites around your apartment.

Position “sticky traps” throughout the apartment. Place each trap against a wall or corner, under a sink, or along the baseboards.

6 Monitor the traps.

Carefully note the number of dead roaches in each trap to determine where in your apartment the roaches are most prevalent.

7 Kill the roaches with borax.

Mix 4 parts borax with 2 parts flour and 1 part cocoa powder. Sprinkle liberally in roach-heavy areas of your apartment.

8 Maintain a clean, dry apartment.

After each meal, thoroughly clean the areas where food was cooked and consumed. Store all food in sealed containers. Do all dishes immediately. Take out any garbage and recycling at least once a day. Make sure to immediately clean up any water spills and repair leaky faucets. Whenever possible, eat out instead of cooking in your home; do not bring home leftovers.

9 Convince your neighbors to keep equally clean.

HOW TO ESCAPE A SWARM OF PIGEONS

1 Run in a zigzag pattern.

2 Pull your shirt over your head.

Crouching forward at a 30- to 45-degree angle, reach behind your head with one hand and grab the nape of your shirt. Pull your shirt up over your head. Stretch it far enough forward that it covers your entire scalp and your eyes.

3 Scatter food.

Use your free hand to remove any food from your pockets and bag and throw it in every direction. Employ vigorous flinging motions to draw the attention of the pigeons away from you and towards the food. Toss the food as quickly and as far away as possible.

4 Flap your arms like a falcon.

Extend your arms completely and flap them up and down vigorously.

5 Make loud noises.

Jump up and down and clap your hands repeatedly. Bang trash can lids, set off car alarms, scream, or make other loud noises that will scare away the pigeons.

HOW TO SURVIVE A RAT BITE

1 Wait for the rat to let go.

Rat bites typically last only a few seconds, and it is preferable to withstand the pain of the bite than to attempt to fling the rat away, which will create a messier wound.

2 Remove the rat.

If after several seconds the rat has not let go, pinch the upper jaw of the rat with your index finger and thumb and gently pry its incisors out of your flesh. Place the rat on the ground.

3 Staunch the bleeding.

Hold a dry, clean handkerchief or other small piece of cloth against the bite until bleeding subsides, which should only take a few seconds. In the event of persistent bleeding, tear a piece off of your shirt and tie it tightly around the wound, pulling the piece of cloth closed.

4 Dress the wound.

Clean the bite mark, and any other parts of your body that came in contact with the rat, with soap and water. Flush the soap fully out of the wound to prevent irritation.

5 Remove jewelry.

Take off any rings or other constricting jewelry, as swelling of the extremities may occur.

6 Bandage the wound.

Use a bandage or gauze and adhesive strip, applied loosely enough so that air can circulate to the wound.

HOW TO SURVIVE A MUGGING

1 Do not resist.

Remain calm and follow the mugger’s instructions. Answer questions slowly with an even tone of voice. Avoid any hints of sarcasm, irony, or aggression. Do not look directly at the mugger’s face.

2 Attack vulnerable areas.

If you are certain the mugger means to do you harm, take swift aggressive action.

• Thrust your fingers into the mugger’s eyes.

• Hold your hand flat and chop sharply at the mugger’s Adam’s apple.

• Grab his crotch and squeeze.

• Thrust your knee up into his groin.

• Swiftly sweep your left foot into his right ankle. At the same time, grasp his left elbow and pull sharply downward. As the mugger begins to totter, lunge forward into his midsection, pushing your attacker to the ground.

3 Use an object as a weapon.

Clench a car key between two fingers and use it to poke or stab. Wield a glass bottle to use as a bludgeon, or, if broken, as a knife. Break off a car antennae and use it as a weapon.

4 Flee.

Run as quickly as possible to the closest well-lit area, such as a store or a crowded sidewalk.

HOW TO SHARE A STUDIO APARTMENT WITH THREE ROOMMATES

Put everything in writing.

Before all roommates move in, create a “roommates contract.”

Label all possessions.

Put your name on your food, books, CDs, portable electronic devices, clothing, and pets. Nothing, including food, should be considered “communal property,” unless explicitly agreed upon by all roommates in the contract.

Utilize feng shui.

Minimize clutter, decorate with bright colors, and hang numerous mirrors to maximize the feeling of openness and harmony. Store or throw away any possessions that are unnecessary. As many furniture items as possible should be designated “multi-use”: futon pulls out into bed, ottoman turns into night table, bathtub with plank of wood across it becomes desk.

Subdivide.

Place a bookcase in the middle of the space to give the illusion of multiple rooms; repeat several times until the apartment is divided into several tiny mini-apartments. Hang framed signs at the entrance to each “room,” with titles such as “Bob’s Room,” “Allison’s Room,” and “the parlor.” Put tape on the floor to demarcate various territories and provide directions.

Communicate.

Convene weekly roommate meetings to maintain an ongoing dialogue. Each roommate should keep a notebook to write down things that are bothering him. Share complaints and positive support at the weekly meeting. Encourage all roommates to use “I” statements to express their feelings in a calm, nonconfrontational manner.