The Worst-Case Scenario Pocket Guide: New York City

HOW TO SURVIVE MUSEUM FATIGUE

Prioritize.

Proceed immediately to the exhibit or section of the museum that is of most interest. Then move to other parts of the museum. Do not wander. Utilize a detailed, annotated map and have a plan.

Block out all external stimuli.

Periodically remove audio tour headphones. Drop museum maps and exhibit catalogs. Shut your eyes and cover your ears with your hands. Hum vigorously to yourself until you have cleansed your sensory palate.

Lie down.

Be completely still and breathe deeply in and out.

Drink coffee.

Slowly consume one or more cups of coffee or other caffeinated beverage in the museum cafeteria. Stare at the table or into your beverage. Do not discuss the contents of the museum. Do not think museum-related thoughts. Sip your beverage.

Eat healthy snacks.

Leave the museum.

Sensory and cultural overload begins after 60 minutes and peaks at 90 minutes. Do not remain at the museum beyond this point.

Go shopping.

Clear your head with a value-free, noncultural activity such as shopping, riding the subway, or sitting in a park.

Return to the museum.

To catch the exhibit you missed, it is safe to return for half an hour after shopping.

HOW TO GET INTO AN EXCLUSIVE NIGHTCLUB

1 Wear expensive shoes.

Do not dress sloppily or outlandishly in an attempt to be “unique” or “interesting.”

2 Go on a slow night.

Pick a night when fewer people will be trying to get in. In the summer, try a Friday or Saturday night. During all other seasons, go on a Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday night. Avoid nightclubs during high-profile events such as Fashion Week (twice yearly) and the New York Film Festival (early fall).

3 Travel in a group.

Approach with no more than six people, including at least three women. The women should give no indications of being “taken,” such as holding hands with the men in the group; holding hands with one another is okay.

4 Remain calm.

Maintain a laid-back, sober attitude while in line. Do not be argumentative with the doorman, the club staff, or with passersby. Do not name-drop or otherwise try to bluff the doorman into thinking you are more important or interesting than you are. Do not attempt to bribe the doorman or bouncer for entry. Do not complain when others arrive and get in while you are waiting. Do not bring a book to read while in line.

5 Be casual when you do get in.

Nod calmly at the doorman as he waves you inside. Do not give anyone a “high five.” Do not begin dancing until you are on the dance floor.

HOW TO SURVIVE THE CONEY ISLAND HOT DOG EATING CONTEST

1 Stand close to the table.

2 Lean slightly forward.

3 Remove the first hot dog from the bun.

Place the bun within immediate reach on the table.

4 Tear the hot dog in half.

5 Shove the two pieces of hot dog, side by side, into your mouth.

6 Chew and swallow.

While chewing and swallowing, pick up the bun and dunk it in your cup of water.

7 Eat the bun.

Insert the entire water-logged bun in your mouth; rapidly chew and swallow it while picking up the next hot dog and breaking it in half.

8 Repeat steps 3 through 7 until time is called.

9 Drink water after every third hot dog.

Drink enough to lubricate your esophagus, allowing the hot dogs to go down smoothly. Do not drink too much, or your stomach will fill up with water.

10 Swallow and open.

At the end of the 12-minute competition, swallow whatever is in your mouth and open to show that it is empty.

Expand your stomach.

In the weeks before the competition, drink lots of water and eat nonfattening foods like celery, pineapple, and cabbage.

Do not fast.

Extreme hunger will shrink your stomach and make you a poorer competitor.

Eat a light breakfast.

On the morning of the competition, eat slightly less than usual. Arrive at the contest hungry but not excessively so.

HOW TO SURVIVE A SAMPLE SALE

1 Arrive early.

Spend the night on the sidewalk outside the sale location to secure a place in line.

2 Bring cash.

Sample sales rarely accept credit cards.

3 Be decisive.

Proceed directly to the racks or tables that hold the items of most interest to you. Take each garment that you like with you as you continue to search.

4 Try the garments on.

Once you have gathered all the clothes you are interested in, try them on. There are no exchanges or returns, so make sure that each item fits. There are no fitting rooms, so change in the aisles.

5 Examine every item carefully.

Check items for damage such as makeup smudges or perspiration stains.

6 Maintain physical contact with your selections at all times.

7 Be aggressive.

Follow shoppers who are holding items you want. Once an item is put down, it is considered available.

8 Dissuade other shoppers.

Tell someone who is trying on an item you want, “It’s too bad they don’t have that in your size.”

9 Avoid over-buying.

Do not become excited by the steep discounts and purchase unnecessary articles.

• If you cannot readily imagine a use for the outfit, you do not need it.

• Tailoring costs can easily cancel out even the most dramatic savings.

Be Aware

• Wear a layer of form-fitting, color-neutral underclothes. If you are a woman, wear a tank top or camisole and light-colored tights. If you are a man, wear full coverage boxers or boxer-briefs and a tight, white undershirt.

• To find the best deals, wait until later in the day, or the sale’s second or third day when the crowds will have dissipated and prices have been further discounted.

• Most items sold at sample sales are overstock or items from a previous season, but some are damaged or have been worn at runway shows

• Sample sales are often held in “found space,” so you cannot return; check online and newspaper announcements for more sales.

HOW TO GET INTO THE GOSSIP COLUMNS WITHOUT KILLING SOMEBODY

Inherit extraordinary wealth.

Become very good at something and rise to the top of your field.

Choose a high-profile profession such as film actor, real-estate developer, or professional athlete. Make surprising and/or bold career decisions that shake up the profession and shock the public. Win multiple awards.

Become famous-by-proxy.

Enter into a romantic or intimate relationship with a person who is already famous, even if the relationship only lasts for a brief period. Lavish physical attention upon the already-famous individual in a public or semipublic location. Capture the intimacy on camera. Blog about the encounter, and encourage other bloggers to link to your blog.

Stop doing whatever it is that made you famous.

Focus all your energy on your personal life.

Note the locations mentioned in gossip columns and go to those places.

Frequent trendy nightclubs, film festivals, art openings and other major Manhattan social events. Draw attention to yourself by dressing provocatively, drinking heavily, and complaining about the contents of your swag bag.

Frequently enter and exit drug and alcohol rehabilitation programs.

Frequently begin and end intimate relationships.

Feud with other famous people.

Make outrageous statements about other celebrities. Deny having made such statements. Retract your denial. Repeat.

Hire a publicist.

Be prepared to pay as much as $10,000 a month, with no guarantee of results.

Offer a quid pro quo.

Barter scandalous information about celebrities (they have cheated on a spouse or committed a string of crimes) with gossip columnists in exchange for placing your own name in the column.