Thongs

— 2-

In the darkness of my room I lie awake. My hands cup my breasts. My naked legs stretch far apart and the soft sheet falls against my mound. How many men muttering hoarsely in the night have worshipped there with their lips, with their hands, feasting their eyes, and been powerless to bring their own loins in sacred contact. No, my beautiful male! Give me it with your lips but do not do that.

I see my dead father and the women sprawling in the slums, white putty colored flesh quivering, animals, their big thighs stung into heat and hot fear by his rampant prick. And I lie alone and everything has receded into the familiar sound of my own breathing. I am left only with my awareness of it. And then, gradually, I come into another world, a close and confederate consciousness of my own softness and the sound of my breathing and nothing more, and there is nothing to which I am related. And now I come to know that it is my body which is soft, the thighs, my little belly, set and smooth as a watch glass on a fine watch, and that it is I and not my body which is aware. And now I am conscious of existing and being alone. And I cannot be conscious of myself as existing without at the same time being conscious of myself as existing alone and in relation to instants in time and points in space which hold themselves off from me and which escape me, for I have not the power to draw them back to myself out of my memory. And the room comes back with its dark corners, the open window, night sounds, and now I know myself to be wide awake and alone. I am in Spain, and the time is drawing near. In Spain everything is red and black and the color of a dancer's thighs as she twirls and snaps her heels as though shuffling her cunt for her male. Spanish women have splendid haunches and big rubbery teats. They grow fat quickly. They are sexually strong.

I spread my arms and my legs out and I already feel the heavy nails which will rivet my hands and feet to receive Pain. Can no man's hand excite me now? Must it always be the thongs? I call Willie. I am unable to sleep. He is there like a shadow at my bedside, holding a candle. "Willie, I'm dying of waiting! Take me somewhere! I must have violence done!"

And then I am heavily veiled and Willie guides me through narrow streets. Hovels. A stench of oil and wine. Tipsy voice. "In here, my Lady!"

We step over a sleeping cur. A fat woman feeding a baby at one large blob of breast. She has three gold teeth and her pregnant belly lies like a sack of flour on her knees. She looks after us. "Up here!"

We climb up dingy stone stairs inside a patio. He flings open a door which emits a cloud of blue smoke and coarse laughter. We are in a brothel. The women leer at me as Willie guides me to a table in the corner. The room is full of sailors and big-breasted women with unkempt hair. Some sailors are watching me. I quiver with anticipation.

Willie whispers to the waiter, a dwarf with one leg, the other a peg leg. The waiter winks. He leers at me. He goes away.

"Drink some wine."

There is too much noise to speak. A sailor has twisted a woman backwards so that her big mealy breasts are naked and is dousing them with red wine. She is screaming, kicking, her fat thighs gartered with green silk. Someone knocks over a chair. A blind guitarist is playing a flamenco. They are clapping their hands. A drunken prostitute lurches over to me and tries to rip the veil from my face. Willie catches her by the hair and throws her to the ground. Two sailors are going to deal with Willie but the peg leg comes back and tells them to fuck off. For some reason or other, they obey him. He whispers to Willie and winks. Willie nods. He beckons me to stand up. We pass through a bead curtain and go up another flight of stairs. We are in an attic with a wooden floor and only a bed frame strung with wire. Peg leg brings in two stools. Two fat women come in, strip naked, and begin to rub their bellies together. They grunt. One of them farts. The other one laughs hoarsely with a flash of gold teeth. They grin at us and lie on the floor, each with her head between the other's legs. They snort like pigs and roll over, tonguing each other, their big white buttocks gathering dust from the floor. They smell. Peg leg stands guard at the door, his arms folded across his little barrel of a chest, and grins. One woman is now making water over the other's thigh. The splashed one is giggling deliriously. They get up on their big fleshy feet. They look at me and approach. Willie moves off to the side. I look after him fearfully. What is going to happen? And then they are on me. One rips off my veil and the other, throwing me to the floor, begins to tear the clothes off my body. I am bruised and half naked. I struggle. The bigger of the two women clamps my head between her thighs and holds me to the ground. This is the first time I have tasted another woman's sex. The bristling hairs rub my mouth until it opens. It tastes foul, of piss and sweat. I am nearly suffocated. I am pinioned to the floor. I buck with my buttocks and legs. The skin of my buttocks is grazed as I am forced suddenly and painfully to the floor as the weight of the second woman falls on my thighs. Her mouth is at my sex and her big slobbering tongue is already working my clitoris. I begin to enjoy the violence and I struggle ferociously. The more I struggle the harder they clamp me down. My belly is scratched. I scream. Laughter. Suddenly they are both up and they are kicking me with their hard feet. I rise to my knees and my head is jammed against the other woman's cunt. The same sour taste. It slips softly like a jellyfish about my face, containing my nose and mouth. The other helps to pinion me in that position while she slaps my buttocks with her hand. I am thrown to the floor again. I find myself momentarily free. I stand up and back against the far wall. They stand with their hands on their naked hips, laughing, their bellies thrust out and tufted with coarse hair. They come towards me together. I cringe. A needle of anticipation moves somewhere deep in my belly. And now they start slapping me methodically and I spin drunkenly about between them, reeling against their solid flesh, pushed and slapped until I fall painfully across the iron bedstead. I have fallen on my front, and one of my breasts has gone between the wires, which cut painfully. A knee is jammed in the small of my back and they are tying me to the bed frame, a foot or a hand at each corner. I struggle but it is of no use. My face cranes round. Peg leg is standing close, his cock out in his hand. He brings it near my face and shakes it. It is an enormous prick for a four-foot dwarf. He brings it close to my lips. I don't try to turn my head away. I allow it to lie lightly against them. My tongue moves out slowly and I lick the tip. It too tastes of urine. I move my nostrils against it and sniff softly. Who told me it was bad? The odor excites me. He is leering at me. Suddenly someone has struck me hard across the buttocks with a slat of wood. My forehead falls against the wires. I forget the prick. I reach only for the pain, and it comes again, even more brutally. I breathe heavily. My body perspires freely. I allow it to droop against the crisscross wires of the bedstead.

Suddenly there is laughter, male laughter, drunken. I realize that half a dozen sailors have been allowed into the room. Someone is rubbing grease on my anus. I wiggled it frantically against the rubbing fingers. Someone says: "She's hot for it now. Who's first?" A male front pinions me to the bed. A tip of a cock is laid against my anus. Pressure is increased. It slides in its whole length painfully. "Bugger her!" someone shouts. "Ride her!" yells another. The big member is going in and out like a piston and the man is sweating freely. "Fuck you! Fuck you!" he is grunting. His teeth sink into the back of my neck. "Bite the hot bitch!" someone shouts. I whinny with pleasure, like a struck mare, the stallion mounted. Nothing now but the pleasant pain and the strange feeling of penetration in my vitals.

No sooner has the first man ejaculated and rolled off than the second, hot, dry, and excited, lands on my sweating buttocks and strikes home like a well-aimed poker. The torment at my bowels in growing. The crisscross wires of the bedstead cut into my soft front as it is jerked about under the violent male movement. "Jesus!" the man is muttering as he slobbers in my ear, "Jesus! Jesus!" I begin to groan with pain. "She's coming! She's coming!" a voice is urging enthusiastically through the mists of pain and sweat. The man on top shudders violently and bucks like a bronco-rider into satisfaction.

"Turn her over! She's got a cunt, hasn't she?" a new voice cries.

Willie's voice rises in protest. I hear a thud. Someone has struck him. A moment later I am unbound and dragged to the floor on my back. I struggle and protest through sweat and tears but my thighs are forced apart at the knees and a hard cock thrusts its way easily into my juicy cunt. It is like dying. Into my consciousness comes the thought that I am no longer a virgin. What has happened? What have I allowed to be done! But I have no time for further thought. The man is coming. "What a cunt! What a cunt! What a fucking juicy cunt!" he is grunting as he rises like a springboard in his ecstasy and descends on me, belly to belly, to loose his flood of sperm. "Me next!" a voice cries and it has a familiar ring. A moment later I became aware of the grinning head of Peg leg, the dwarf, at the level of my breasts. His big cock has already sunk into me and soon he is nibbling cruelly at my left nipple. A black cock is thrust into my mouth suddenly, for Peg leg, being too short, has left that vacant. I close my eyes and submit willingly to every humiliation, and soon, in spite of the general pain, a deep sense of peace comes over me. Use me as you will! All of you! All of you! I can think of nothing else. My flesh is only for sacrifice. In that sacrifice is my peace…