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Chapter 35

"I was never unfaithful," I dodged.

"That wasn't my question."

"I needed something. Somebody."

She sat in silence, looking at me pensively.

"I was always right here," she finally said.

"I know."

"But I've changed. I'm not me anymore. That's your point, isn't it?"

"I don't know." I looked over at her and tried to find the right way to say all this. I was working with a brain full of mashed potatoes and was afraid I was going to screw this up, but the time to discuss it was now. We'd been putting it off for almost a year.

"Go on. Whatever the truth is, you can say it," she prompted.

Speaking slowly, I began. "Before you came into my life I had nothing. I was barely functioning. On the street I was turning into a thug. Then you and Chooch changed everything. The problem is, I can't go back and live my life the way it was before. These last months, I've been trying to understand what's been happening with us, trying to be supportive of you. But slowly all the darkness has been leaking back-all the angry thoughts that made me so negative to begin with. I can't return to that place. But I also can't leave you behind. I'm stuck somewhere in between."

"Do you love her?" Alexa pressed. "It's okay to be honest, Shane. If we're ever going to fix this, I need to find out."

"I love you, Alexa. Do you still love me?" I asked her. "Do you still want and need me? If the answer is yes, then you have nothing to worry about with Secada."

She got up and came across the room, knelt down beside the chair I was in, and put her arms around me.

"I'm sorry," she said. "This is my fault."

"How can it be anybody's fault? It's just something that happened."

"We'll find our way back to that other place," she said softly.

I fell asleep again, but later that night I woke up and found Alexa in the chair under the floor lamp, reading the same brown folder she'd been reading all day. I triggered the lift on the bed, raising it up so I could see better. She smiled at me over the top of the file.

"Want me to get you anything?"

"What's that?" I asked.

"The Hickman file. I had Ellen get a copy from Jeb and e-mail it up here."

I sat very still, wondering what would happen next.

"For whatever it's worth, you and Secada are right," she finally said. "This thing was horribly mishandled. If there was ever a bad due-process case, this is it. I can't understand why Jane closed it."

"Pressure from Morales," I said. "He's probably going to be the next mayor. Sasso's ambitious. She doesn't want any political grief."

She thought about that for a second then continued. "You need to tell me again everything you found out. All about Lieutenant Devine and Morales, and this North Van Nuys Transit Bus Company."

"For what purpose?" I said, still not sure where she was heading.

"I'm gonna have a look at this myself," she said. "Off the record, on my own time." Holding my eyes over the top of the folder.

"It's a red ball," I told her.

"Shane, this is going to sound funny, but after Tony relieved me, took the pressure of command away, something changed inside me. I feel liberated like never before."

"Liberated?" I said, cocking an eyebrow. What the hell was this about?

"More than that even. All the rules I used to be so anal about just seem like nonsense to me now. I can see what you kept saying, how stupid some of that shit is."

"You're kidding," I said, not liking this at all.

"No, it's like I woke up reborn or something. Now it all feels like tiresome bullshit. Soon as we can, we should get you up on your feet and signed outta here. Then we'll go work this together like old times."

"This case is a career wrecker," I cautioned.

"My career is pretty much wrecked already. So let's forget the rule book and stand some people on their heads."

"You can't do it that way," I said, not sure how to deal with this new reckless streak. "I don't think you should be doing this."

"Why not? You were."

"But I'm not the head of the Detective Bureau."

"Neither am I anymore."

"You can't be out there breaking your own police guidelines." Even as I said this, I knew that these words coming out of my mouth sounded ridiculous.

"Isn't that a little off the point? Let's focus on this bad due-process problem without all the departmental B. S."

Ohy brother, I thought, wondering what the hell was going on here.