Whisper to Me

Chapter Twenty-seven Rachel

“I actually understand that,” Avery said. And somehow I’d known she would. Ella was always more open. The more talkative one. Avery had been a bit closed off when I’d first met her.

Until Bennett came along. He had definitely been a positive force in her life. So what did that say about me? I certainly didn’t need a boy to help me figure shit out. Even though the heart-to-hearts I’d been having with Kai were more comforting than any pep talk I’d given myself.

“Still, I should have told you. But I kind of blew it,” I said. “I guess as more time went by, I figured, why bother.”

I looked at Dakota, her jaw slack and her eyes glassy. “I know it doesn’t make much sense to you.”

Dakota snapped out of her trance to look at me. “I feel like you’re two different people, Rachel.”

I hid my face in my hands. “If you only knew.”

She yanked my fingers away from my eyes. “After this concert, we’re going to talk, you and me. I have a feeling you’ve got more to explain.”

I sucked in a deep breath without responding. That was proof enough.

“We’d like that, too,” Ella said, and Avery nudged her knee. “I mean . . . only when you’re ready.”

“I’ll be ready,” I said, wishing we were in a different setting. I just wanted to spill it all out now. Get it over with and deal with the ramifications. “I’ve been such an idiot.”

Even still, relief washed through me. One hurdle down, one to go.

The guys were headed back, double-fisting drinks, one for each of us. Bennett was laughing at something Shane was saying while Kai and Quinn were looking at Nate, who pointed out something in the distance. Then Nate headed off to where Jessie continued to chat with some girl with a flower tattoo to hand her the beer. She smiled at him and then began introducing him to her friend.

Kai handed me white wine in a plastic cup, Shane handed Dakota hers, and it all seemed so ordinary. If anyone were scrutinizing us from the outside, they might have seen four couples, even though half the people in our group were only friends. And it struck me just how natural it felt to be here like this—sitting on a blanket next to Kai, listening to music under the stars, and talking about friends and work and school.

Would it have felt the same with Miles and his friends?

The awareness hit me that it never had. It was always me with him and his crew, never him with me and my friends, and we barely ever all hung out together. I just gave everything up for him. And I vowed right then and there to never do that for any guy again.

Kai leaned over and whispered, “How’s it going—have you been outed yet?”

“As a matter of fact, I have,” I said, I hoped quietly enough that nobody heard. “Thanks to Dakota.”

“Already?” He glanced at his sister and shook his head. “We haven’t even been here that long.”

I cringed. “No kidding.”

“Well, now that the cat’s out of the bag”—he spoke against my hair, and I held in a shiver—“was it really so bad?”

I looked back at my friends, who all seemed to be having a good time listening to the second act, which was a pseudo punk rock band. “No. Actually, I feel relieved.”

“Told you,” he said, all smug, and I elbowed him playfully in the ribs.

“They only know about my injury, though,” I said. “Not about the Miles stuff.”

“They’ll be here tomorrow, too. Tell them before they leave,” he said, patting my knee as I tensed up.

Gray puffs of clouds moved overhead, and the night air became chilly, so we covered ourselves with the extra blankets we’d brought. I made sure not to sit wrapped up with Kai. I didn’t want to lose myself in the feel of his skin next to mine and his heat mixing with the softness of the throw. It would feel too . . . nice. Too right. And I’m sure all my emotions would be visible on my face.

So I scooted back and shared the edge of a blanket with Avery.

“You think the rain will hold?” Ella was leaning against Quinn’s legs and looking up. The dark clouds loomed, blotting out the stars, and against the nighttime sky they looked ominous.

“Hope so,” Dakota said, sitting between Shane and Nate, who had returned with Jessie. “If not, we can head out, since we’ve seen half the show already.”

Ninety minutes later, there was a break before the final act. During that time I had answered a couple of more questions Ella and Avery had about my accident and rehab. Dakota listened in but kept quiet. I could feel her disappointment, her disillusion, heavy as the blanket I was sitting beneath.

Kai stood and announced to the group that he was going down to the pavilion to see his favorite band up close and personal. I could see the exhilaration in his eyes, the lightness in his features. He looked so stunning right then—in his element, surrounded by music.

The Black Tresses were more of a rockabilly band with a bluesy mix, and I could almost imagine Kai up on that stage with them. I hadn’t seen him play a gig in a long while, but I’d heard he was sitting in with a jazz band at the casino in a couple of weeks.

“I have an extra ticket if anyone wants to head down with me.” Kai glanced over his shoulder and then back toward the stage. I eyed my friends, all cozy beneath their layers. Even Nate and Jessie were sitting pretty close together. Dakota and Shane, of course, were pretending like they weren’t.

“I’ll go,” I said, raising my hand to him. “Help me up.”

He gave me a lopsided grin, latched onto my fingers, and pulled me up to stand. Dusting myself off, I turned to my friends. “Keep your cells close in case we get separated or you guys want to take off. This place is like a zoo.”

I waved as I followed behind Kai down the hill.

“Rachel, wait up.” Avery’s voice was loud enough to be heard over the din of rock music piping through the speakers during intermission.

She trudged toward me through the grass, followed closely by Ella. Kai was a few paces ahead, but stopped to wait for me near a bunch of rowdy guys on a plaid blanket.

I turned toward my friends, my stomach clenched tight. “Yeah?”

“We just wanted to say . . . that it’s okay,” Ella said, gripping her plastic wine cup. “Don’t feel bad about . . . you know, not telling us anything.”

“I already feel terrible.” I toed the grass as a flash of heat climbed up my neck. “And I can’t say I’m sorry enough. But . . . thanks for trying to understand.”

“You’re different out here,” Avery said. “More relaxed and comfortable. Maybe it’s because you’re home.”

She looked over at Kai, who patiently stood with his hands jammed in his pockets, waiting on me.

“Or maybe it’s the company you keep,” she said, wiggling her eyebrows. Ella laughed.

“You mean Kai?” Panic rose in my throat. Crap, was I that obvious? “We’re just . . . friends. We grew up together.”

“I realize that,” Avery said. “And that’s awesome. But don’t keep lying to yourself like I did.”

“What do you mean?” I lowered the volume of my voice, as if Kai could even hear our discussion. Or as if Dakota could, for that matter, even though she was three blankets away.

“It’s the way you look at him,” Ella blurted out, as I worried my lip between my teeth. “We’ve both noticed.”

“Shit,” I whispered, ruffling my fingers through my hair. “You guys, no . . .”

Yet another lie. Would it ever end?

“Don’t panic, asshead,” Avery said, placing her hand on my arm. “You don’t have to fess up to anything. It’s just . . . I think he brings out something good in you.”

“Plus, he’s pretty hot,” Ella said with a dreamy look in her eyes. “And he’s different than your normal type, which is a refreshing change.”

If they had noticed, did that mean Kai had, too?

“And I really like your best friend,” Ella said, looking back at Dakota. “So bring her back with you for a visit in the fall.”

She kissed my cheek, and they turned to head back to our friends.

“Wait!” My voice rang out. I looked back at Kai for courage and then mouthed sorry to him. He shook his head and turned back to the stage to watch the band set up.

“Listen, guys,” I said as they turned back toward me. “I do have to fess up.”

They looked at each other, confused.

“I haven’t been a very good friend. I realize that now,” I said, my voice wavering. “Worst of all, I didn’t tell the truth.”

“What do you mean?” Avery asked, looking past me at Kai.

“Not only did I keep stuff from you.” I bit hard on my lower lip. “I . . . I told you a lie because I didn’t want to face up to my own truth.”

“What kind of lie?” Ella asked, a worry line etched between her brows.

“About my ex, Miles,” I said. “It’s a long story and I’ll tell you sometime if you want to hear it. I mean, if you still want to hang out with me.”

“Out with it, dickhead,” Avery said. “No holding back this time.”

And just like that, it felt like old times. Like everything would be okay.

They didn’t look angry, just concerned—and a bit disheartened. And I didn’t blame them.

“The short version is: He didn’t give me an engagement ring, it was just a stupid promise ring. And I didn’t leave him at college. He left me. He didn’t want to stick around during my recovery.”

Ella’s hand slammed over her mouth. “That’s awful.”

“Yeah.” I nodded. “But, my lie was awful, too. I guess I didn’t have enough faith that people would want to get to know me if they knew the whole truth. Not after the way I was treated in this town right after my accident. People just . . . disappeared. They didn’t know how to act around me most of the time.”

Ella reached for my hand, sadness in her eyes. In Avery’s, too. They silently waited on me. Giving me their full attention. And for once I didn’t back down from their scrutiny. I didn’t try to hide or make a joke.

“I don’t know who I’ve become these past three years,” I said. “But I don’t want to be that girl anymore.”

Still they remained quiet. Dragging it all out of me with their unspoken sympathy, understanding, and—hopefully—acceptance.

Dakota might be a different story.

My heart hammered in my chest. “Can you forgive me?”

“On one condition.” Ella folded her arms across her chest, like a disappointed parent scolding her child. “We’re allowed to ask you questions and make you talk about stuff. We care about you. You shouldn’t have to hold all of that in.”

“Ella!” Avery said, laughing.

“No, that’s fair. Absolutely,” I said. “It’s a deal.”

“We’ll have more girl time later,” Avery said. “Now go have fun with that gorgeous guy waiting on you.”

I nodded and turned back to Kai.

When I neared him, he reached out his hand. “Grab it. I don’t want to lose you.”

As soon as I gripped his fingers, I could breathe again.

He was my anchor, my respite, my North Star.

I don’t want to lose you either, Kai.