Whisper to Me

Chapter Eight Kai

I pulled into the underground garage of the Golden Arrow Casino and the attendant waved me in. My head was still buzzing from my conversation with Rachel. Damn, when she told me I was important to her, all my feelings for her had been on the very tip of my tongue.

But she was so afraid of ruining our friendship that I needed to make sure I tucked my feelings away. She’d spent the past three years trying to work out her problems emotionally—and physically—and eventually, her strategy would fall flat in the face of reality.

Just like it had for me. Little did she realize that I’d curbed my own behavior after I’d fallen for her. In years past, no one made me feel anything. I was all about having a good time. But once I recognized the way I felt about Rachel, she changed that and everything else in the world paled in comparison. Everyone else.

Rachel was a like a shock of red in a dreary sea of gray.

I parked in the employee row of spaces and then took the elevator to the second floor. Looking around at the new patterned carpet in the entryway to the lobby, I realized how long it’d been since I’d stepped foot in my family’s casino.

Being here reminded me of our roots. Faces that looked like mine. The bronze skin, dark eyes, thick ebony hair. Some of our people still wore it braided down their backs out of pride for our heritage.

A couple of women wearing the traditional buckskin dress at the entrance to the gift shop bowed to me out of fucking respect. That had always been something to get used to. One older gentleman I didn’t recognize straight away clunked me on the back as I strode by him at the blackjack table. “Long time no see, Shiye.”

I turned to look into his deep-set black eyes. My parents had taught me good manners, especially about respecting one’s elders, so I stopped to speak to him. Besides, I was already on their shit list after my father’s phone call this morning. “Sam, yá’át’ééh. Nice to see you. How have you been?”

He looked down at the deck of cards in his hand. Time had not been kind to him. Wrinkles lined his mouth and forehead, and there were bags beneath his eyes. Had he had patrons at his seats, there would be no time for small talk. But the place was mostly empty. At least at the gambling tables, which always saw more action in the evenings. The slots machines looked to be about half-full.

I stole a look at the clock just beyond the giant crystal chandelier. If Sam didn’t hurry, I’d be late, and then dad would accuse me of getting high this morning. Not that I hadn’t considered it. “Well, my grandson has been pretty sick.”

“Gosh, I’m sorry to hear that,” I said, trying to sound more interested. The old man seemed pretty upset, so maybe his grandson didn’t just have the flu. “Which grandson is this?”

“Micah,” he said almost reverently. “He’s going to need a transplant.”

That made me turn my full attention to him. “What kind of transplant?”

“Heart,” he said. “He’s been placed on a list. We’ve all been pitching in trying to keep his spirits up, and your parents have been great about allowing me to trade shifts from time to time.”

“I’m so sorry. Please know that he’s in my thoughts.” I knew everything there was to know about trying to keep a hospitalized person’s spirits up. “If you ever need anything.”

I motioned to my father’s office and turned to walk away.

But his soft and tentative voice called me back. “Well, since you asked . . .” I couldn’t imagine what he could possibly want from me. Did he need me to take a shift? I certainly hadn’t gone to dealer training, but I wouldn’t put it past my father to ask me to get my license or any other license required to work in his casino. I’d put it off for far too long.

I took a step back toward him. “What is it?”

“Maybe you could visit Micah sometime. He likes rock music and, well, you study music and play in bands. Maybe you could bring your guitar and keep him company some afternoon.”

I was struck speechless. How bad off was this kid? The look of anguish on his grandfather’s face might have said it all. “Sure, Sam, anytime. But right now I gotta get on the clock. So let me ask you about visiting hours later.”

“Do your father proud,” he said as I strode away from him.

I knocked on the office door before firmly twisting the knob. I heard my father’s deep, rich voice as I pushed it open. “Come in.”

Mom was the first person I saw as I entered the lush space. She sat behind a small oak desk at the back of the room right beneath a giant portrait of a Navajo warrior in battle. She had her own office upstairs, but my parents always hung out in the same space, so it was no surprise to see them together. Mom rose first to greet me, stepping around my father’s large desk, which took up most of the middle of the room.

“There’s my favorite guy.” She tugged me into her arms, and I felt how thin and bony she was. My father was a tall and imposing man, so next to him she looked like a porcelain doll.

I kissed her cheek and pulled away. “Hi, Mom.”

Then I looked over at my father. He stood behind his desk and stretched out his hand as if I was a new employee or something. And maybe that was the message he was trying to send.

“Dad.” I reached over to grab his hand, and he gave me two solid claps on the back. “Have a seat, son.”

He only used that formal tone when I was about to be reamed out. I figured he’d gotten it all out on the phone that morning, but maybe he had more to say. Even behind closed doors, my father was the consummate professional in his place of business. Suddenly I was thankful this meeting hadn’t taken place at their house instead. Even though I was an adult, I still sometimes felt like a twelve year old who’d just been caught taking a sip from his father’s beer when I was reprimanded there.

My father cleared his throat. “I’m glad you decided to work here this summer.”

I worded my response carefully. “Not sure I had much of a choice, Dad.”

My ears automatically tuned into the sound of the lame elevator music piping through the speakers. My thoughts veered off to the idea of creating different mood music in the casino before I realized I had totally tuned my father out. Fuck.

I heard my father sigh, and when I looked up his face was beet-red. “Have you heard anything I’ve said?”

“Of course I have,” I snapped, in a lame attempt to convince him. Besides, I’d heard all of his lectures before. Even the ones about smoking pot. “Whatever you need, Dad.”

“Look, son,” he said, sitting back down in his seat. “You tried it your way. Now let’s try it my way.”

I looked him directly in the eyes. The eyes that I’d respected and admired my whole life. “Is it your way or the highway?”

“Knock it off, Kai,” he rumbled, and I sat up straighter. His voice still had the power to disarm me. “Do you have a better idea for making a living?”

He had me there. He wasn’t going to spot me any more cash. And playing gigs paid shit. And I certainly didn’t want to flip burgers or put on a monkey suit for an office job.

Mom came up behind me and placed her hands on my shoulders. “Honey, I really want you to finish your degree somewhere in the fall. Have you thought about that any more?”

“Mom, I’m just not sure I’m cut out for school,” I said in a show of honesty. “I mean, I liked the classes I was taking, but I liked working at the studio more.”

“The classes are necessary in order to get to the thing you love,” my father said through a clenched jaw. “Haven’t you figured that out yet?”

I shrugged. “Yeah, sure. I just know music is where it’s at for me.” The only two things I’d even been good at in my life were playing music and taking care of Rachel. Even my parents told me how proud they’d been of me during her stay at the hospital.

“That’s obviously not working for you.”

“Then I’m out of ideas,” I said simply. Because it was true. I was at a roadblock. Or maybe a crossroads. Nothing really made sense anymore. Nothing ever really did to me.

My father stood to his full intimidating height. “Look around this casino, son. You’ve been given an opportunity to get an education. Something that many of our employees will never have.”

Same argument, different day. He thought he was doing a service to our people by giving them jobs and bringing money into the tribal nation. And he definitely was. But my uncle Elan disagreed. It was an old argument between him and Dad that dated back to Dad’s initial decision to invest in this casino with other tribal owners and become the majority shareholder.

Uncle Elan had argued that Dad was only adding to the problems plaguing our community. Alcoholism. Gambling. Elan mostly stayed away from the casino because of it. He’d always been inflexible. My father was stubborn as well, but he was also compassionate and giving.

But at least they both stood for something. I didn’t know where I stood on the issue. I could see both sides. And that had always been my problem. Nothing really mattered to me besides music and Rachel. I went through the motions, and if shit happened around me or to me, I just shrugged it off and kept on going.

“I understand, Dad.” I brushed my fingers through my hair in exasperation. “I’ll figure it out. I promise.”