White Trash Damaged

21

AFTER OUR NIGHT in the hotel, nothing was going to rain on our parade. Not even spending a few more days in a cramped bus. Tucker and I checked out of our room and waited in the lobby for everyone else to join us. The twins arrived first, hungover and moaning like they were on the verge of death.

After a few more minutes of waiting, we had the receptionist call up to Eric’s room.

He appeared shortly after, looking like he had been hit by a train.

“Jesus, what the hell did she do to you?” Chris asked.

“Who?” Eric looked around at all of us.

“Donna.” Chris laughed.

“She went back to the bus last night. You didn’t actually think I was going to sleep with her when she was that drunk, did you? Besides, how awkward would the rest of this trip be?”

That left everyone speechless. We just glanced at each other, impressed that Eric had decided against it.

“Let’s get back to the bus so we can get on the road.” Tucker stretched as he yawned.

The afternoon sun was blinding, and I couldn’t get back to the bus fast enough. I felt like Tucker and I had hit another milestone in our relationship, and I was ready to see what else lay ahead.

We spent the next few hours sleeping as we headed west. The band needed to rehearse later, and Donna had already lined up a place for them to do so. The Video Music Awards were coming up fast, and they needed as much time as possible to make sure everything would be perfect for their biggest show to date.

When we arrived, Donna came out of her room in full bitch mode, with matching outfit. The time out with us had done little to change her demeanor in the light of day—in fact, it seemed to only worsen her mood now that she was clearly nursing a hangover—but it gave us all a little insight into who she was deep down.

I got to work on cleaning up the bus. The sink was still full of empty beer cans, and junk-food wrappers were strewn about. It took me a full hour to get the bus looking semi-decent.

I decided to give my father a call and catch up on how June was doing with the pregnancy.

I dialed my father’s number and sat down on the edge of our bunk.

“Hey,” he said as he answered the phone.

“Hey. How is the family?” I asked, making small talk.

“Great. June is hanging in there, but no baby yet.”

“I can’t wait to meet my new brother or sister.”

“Any day now.” Something was off about his tone, and it was starting to worry me.

“I’d like to fly you guys out to us once the baby is old enough.”

“I don’t think we will be able to do that, princess. It’s not a good time.”

“Well, whenever. No set date, just an idea.”

“I think you should have a chat with Tucker. We aren’t welcome out there.”

I couldn’t wrap my mind around what he was telling me. “I don’t think Tucker would mind you coming out here. What would give you that idea?”

“Just talk to him. I have to go.” With that, the phone went dead. Tucker was at practice with the guys and I was forbidden from “distracting” him, as Donna put it, but this was my family and if Tucker had interfered, I needed to know.

I headed toward the old brick building that sat adjacent to the concert hall. I was angry, and I didn’t want to blow up on Tucker without knowing the full story. I pushed open the door, and my eyes landed on Donna who looked pissed off, much like she always did when she saw me.

“Can I help you?”

“Nope. This doesn’t concern you.” I walked by her, and I could tell she wanted to reach out and stop me, but she didn’t. I pushed open the next door and stopped dead in my tracks. Tucker sat on a small couch with guitar in hand next to a brunette, their legs touching, her hair hanging down like a curtain blocking his face. They were laughing but stopped abruptly as I entered. The woman sat back in her seat, looking up at me expectantly like I’d come to deliver them lunch or something.

“Am I interrupting?’ I didn’t care if I sounded like a bitch. I crossed my arms over my chest and eyed Tucker.

“Of course not.” He sat his guitar down beside him, propping it against the arm of the couch. “What’s wrong?”

I looked at the brunette who made no movement to leave, and I wanted to scream at her to get the fuck out, but I needed to focus. I’d come here to have a rational conversation with Tucker.

“I just spoke to my father.”

Tucker’s eyes fell, and I knew immediately he had talked to him. He glanced to the brunette next to him.

“Can we get a moment alone?”

She nodded and got up, walking around me with a polite smile. I closed the door behind her and turned back to Tucker.

“Who the hell is that?”

“She’s a vocal coach that Donna found to help me work out this song.”

I sighed, pissed that all of my feelings of jealousy from the video shoot came rushing back. I tried to shove them aside as I sank down on the couch beside him and wrung my hands together.

“What did you say to my father?”

“Just let it go, Cass. I did it for your own good.”

“Did what? Neither of you has told me anything, and I am getting really tired of being treated like a fragile piece of glass. Spit it out.”

He sighed, resting his face in his hands with his elbows propped on his knees.

“I made sure you wouldn’t get hurt again.”

I didn’t respond. I didn’t know how to. I needed to know what had happened.

“Your father, if you want to call him that, just wanted money from you.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is, Cass. He called me after your visit. He asked if I could loan him a couple grand to get on his feet. I turned him down and told him my money was tied up with the band right now. He said he knew that couldn’t be true, that you had mentioned that the band was doing really well, that I’d paid to fly you out there. He has been texting me nonstop since. I offered him five grand but told him he would have to leave you alone, never contact you again. It was just a test, Cass—I never thought he’d take it. He took the money. He didn’t even hesitate.”

My heart shattered into a million fragments.

“He had to, Tucker. He has a family. He is struggling to make ends meet.”

“No, Cass. He didn’t have to take the money. He could have kept right on doing whatever he was doing before he saw you on that magazine. But he didn’t. He chose to cut you out of his life for five grand.”

I had never felt this rejected. For a brief moment I had a family again, I had siblings. And now . . . they were gone.

“Why would you do this to me?” I knew Tucker wasn’t the one to blame, but if he had just left this alone, I would still have them. I preferred blissful ignorance to the harsh reality of life. I’d had enough of that in my past.

“Cass, I didn’t want to see you hurt. I was trying to protect you.” He reached for my hand, and I pulled back, pushing to my feet.

“But what did you think would happen? Did you think I would thank you for taking my family away from me?”

“I expected your father to turn me down. I expected him to be the man he is supposed to be, one who would never put a price tag on his relationship with his daughter. I was shocked . . . horrified when he accepted.” Tucker shook his head. “But the moment he did, I knew he was no good for you. Toxic. I knew I needed to get him as far away from you as possible. Don’t you see, Cass? All he wanted was money from the start. That’s why he reached out. . . .”

I shook my head, begging the tears to stay at bay. I didn’t want to be the fragile thing he thought I was. I wanted to be strong. I needed to be strong.

“Now that you have proven yourself right, I hope you feel better. I’ll let you get back to this private session with whoever that woman is.” I turned to leave as his fingers looped around my elbow to stop me.

“Don’t do this, sweetheart. I didn’t want you to get hurt, but you would have eventually.”

I turned back to him, glaring.

“You wanted to make sure you were the one to do it? Congratulations. I’m out of here.” I yanked my arm free and shoved open the door, causing it to bounce off the wall behind it. The brunette jumped, startled by the noise. I narrowed my eyes at her as I walked out into the lobby, not bothering to look at Donna.

I’m sure she thought I was being jealous and flipping out about Tucker being alone with whoever that woman was. It didn’t matter. She won. She had successfully driven a wedge between Tucker and me, and now he had managed to push me away. I was beyond done and felt more alone than ever.

I had given up everything and tagged along on this tour and somehow lost myself completely in the process. No matter what I tried to do, I couldn’t crawl out from under Tucker’s enormous shadow.

I stood in the parking lot, not sure which way to turn. I had no one and nowhere to go. I was lost and alone. The door opened behind me and I turned, wanting to run into Tucker’s arms, but I came face-to-face with Donna.

“What could you possibly want?”

“I think this relationship has become unhealthy, and I don’t think it’s good for Tucker.”

“Good for Tucker? You have a lot of nerve trying to tell me what is best for him. He is my boyfriend. Just in case you didn’t notice, I am the one who is getting hurt, not him.”

“In any case, this isn’t good for his career.”

“That’s all you care about, isn’t it? You could give a shit about whether he is hurting. He’s just a dollar sign to you.”

She crossed her arms over her chest.

“That is what he hired me for. Don’t forget that if he didn’t want me here, I wouldn’t be here.”

She was right. They could easily fire her and find another manager. Tucker was the leader of the band and could make that decision, but he hadn’t, even if it was making me miserable. Emptiness settled inside of me and I was ready to run, to escape this feeling. I was in self-destruct mode. I wasn’t thinking clearly. I shook my head and walked away from her. I didn’t have it in me to fight any longer. I was devastated by my father’s ability to choose money over his own child. I felt like he’d abandoned me all over again.

I ran back to the bus and grabbed my purse and a tote bag. I couldn’t take it any longer, any of it. I threw in a few of my belongings, not wanting to waste too much time. I didn’t want to run into Sarah or Eric or anyone who would try to convince me to stay. I knew I was being irrational, but this time, I wasn’t strong enough to fight my instinct to flee.

I tossed my cell phone on the table and left, hoping I wouldn’t have to walk too far to find a decent hotel. I needed to find an inexpensive way to get back to Georgia or as far away from anyone I knew here. I could become whomever I wanted to again. I could start over.

I pulled open the door to the bus and came face-to-face with Tucker. He took a step onto the bus, and I took one step backward. His eyes fell to my bag and back to my face.

“You were leaving me?” The pain in his voice sliced through my heart like a hot knife.

“Tucker.” My voice shook and I swallowed hard, trying to summon my strength.

“Don’t, Cass. You promised.” He shook his head. “Do you have any idea what it would do to me to come back here and find you gone? Do you even care?”

Tears began to flow freely down my face, and I wanted to press myself against him and be wrapped in his arms, but I stayed frozen.

“Of course I care, Tucker.”

“If you did, you wouldn’t do this shit. Not again.”

“You shouldn’t have called my father.”

“I couldn’t let him hurt you, Cass,” he yelled angrily.

“Instead you hurt me.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is true.” I raised my voice, refusing to be painted as the bad guy. I needed to stand up for myself. “You’ve been pulling away from me ever since Donna showed up. You didn’t give me credit for my song, and now you’re interfering with my family.”

“Donna is our manager and I won’t always like the things she does, but she is doing what is best for the band. And I said I was sorry about the song, Cass. I . . . I don’t know what else to do. . . .” Tucker sighed, then turned and looked me straight in the eye. “And I am your family, Cass. Not some asshole who abandoned you when you were little and doesn’t give two fucks what happens to you. He should have been there to protect you from Jax, but he wasn’t. I was.” He was yelling now.

I placed my hands over my face and began to sob, the truth in his words finally sinking in. Tucker was the only one who had ever been there for me, no matter how hard I tried to push him away. His arms wrapped around me as he pulled me tightly against his chest. His cheek rested on top of my head as he cocooned me. As much as I tried to fight it, from fear of being hurt, he wasn’t going to leave me. No amount of jealousy or family drama was going to make him run away. I finally felt safe.

“Don’t cry, sweetheart.”

His words only made my cry harder as his hands rubbed soothingly over my back.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you,” he whispered into my hair and placed a kiss on the top of my head.

“Please don’t apologize. This isn’t your fault. I’m used to people using me and not caring. It’s hard to believe that you really love me sometimes.”

His grip tightened around me.

“You didn’t need him then, and you don’t need him now. We have each other, and I promise you I will never leave you.”

“I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have you.”

“You won’t ever have to find out.” He pressed his lips against my forehead, and I sighed in relief, finally feeling like I’d made it home.