Why You Were Taken

Journal entry 12 May 1989

Westville

In the news: I am happy. Truly, wonderfully happy.

What I’m listening to: Madonna’s ‘Like A Prayer’

What I’m reading: ‘The Alchemist’ by Coelho. Don’t really get it. Sure I’m missing something.

What I’m watching: Rain Man

Today P and the kids ‘surprised’ me with breakfast in bed for Mothers Day. At ‘terrible two’ they are a handful – I call them my adorable monsters – but on days like this I could just eat them up, they are so cute and charming, on their best behaviour. Sam had made me a ‘card’ – a fingerpainting of our family standing outside our house – and Kate gave me a necklace she had made by stringing dried pasta shapes together. I stuck the painting up on the fridge and wore the necklace the whole day.

P went around the garden cutting some of my favourite flowers and put a big bunch in a vase for me. (Poor garden!) It was very sweet.

I love watching the kids learn and try out new things. I love it when they say new words. They really are a handful – you can’t leave them alone for a second (just this week: Sam dropped my brand new hand-held vacuum cleaner into a bucket of water, and Kate climbed INTO the fridge and closed the door. Last week Kate cut up a dress of mine to make ‘ribbons!’ and Sam jumped out of his pram and smacked his forehead on the tarmac. One of them flushed a plastic car down the loo and flooded the bathroom). Some days – most days – I just collapse on the couch after getting them into bed.

I have started taking them to the river every now and then, for swims. I take snacks like Provitas and little cubes of cheese, and some CapriSuns and then we call it a picnic. It is a great way to get rid of all their extra energy so that they are tired and calm when P gets home from work, and they adore it. Especially Kate – she is such a waterbaby! I really have to keep an eye on her. They have matching costumes and these bright orange inflatable armbands and they love to splash. Sam is very protective, always keeping an eye on his ‘little’ sister. He gets this worried frown when he thinks she is floating too far away and when we call her (‘Kitty! Kitty!’ he says) then she’ll turn back, smiling her funny, naughty little smile. God, my heart bursts. I love them.

My shrink says that we can probably start weaning me off the anti-depressants. I’m not in a hurry. I never want to go back to that dark place again.

Oh! I almost forgot. The strangest thing happened yesterday. I was grocery shopping with the little ones – NOT the easiest thing in the world – but they were on their best behaviour and sitting nicely together in the trolley while I passed them things (not eggs, from experience). A woman who was walking past us looked intently at me and I smiled back. I thought, we must look funny. Like I had gone shopping and taken two toddlers off the shelf and put them in my trolley. Imagine it was that easy: you just go to a shop and choose which adorable monsters you want. ‘Hmm, yes, I’ll take this one and this one.’ They would need barcodes! And what would the return policy be?

But then later I realised that she had smiled at me because she had recognised me – she was the nurse at that family planning clinic that was so kind to me and held my hand! I wonder what she must have thought, seeing us together. I wonder how it made her feel.