World's End

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Because I believed that it was right, because I knew that a power greater and far wiser than the Hegemony meant it to happen that way. And because I ... because I loved her. I left Tiamat a queen who could give her people a real future; but I left Tiamat 100

WORLD S END

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as a traitor to my own people, and to myself. I was even proud of it. I felt like a saint, like the bearer of some secret truth. . . .

Like a love-blind fool, like a coward. There is no truth; there are only differences of opinion.

But I came to Number Four, and tried to say that it was all behind me, forgotten, an aberration; tried to get on with my duty and my life. I memorized every law on record, and enforced them to the letter! But now all I

could see was that I was living a lie, going through motions that hid the emptiness inside the form, like a saint without a god. Until my brothers came, and told me what I'd--what they'd done. The final failure of the law.

And after that even self-discipline wasn't enough to save me.

It was only a matter of time before I ended up here.

Did everyone see it but me--?

I sat by the steaming lake until darkness fell. I tried to meditate, alone in the susurrous twilight, but I couldn't

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concentrate on even the simplest adhani. I couldn't face returning to the rover, either, and so I didn't. I spent the night there. I slept, finally, dying the little death. . . .

And dreamed that I was buried alive. I had been searching for a soft darkness to hide myself in, always knowing that the only perfect peace was the grave

. . . until at last I dug myself a pit too deep to crawl out of. At last I lay down, to let oblivion spill in on me;

welcoming the darkness from which there would never be a morning.

But instead of peace I knew only horror--smothering, blinding, paralyzing horror. I cried out to Death: It was a mistake, I wasn't ready, it wasn't time, let me go back!

And Death appeared, wearing the face of a madwoman dressed in rags, holding morning in her hands as she asked me, "What would you give for this?"

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