Worn Me Down

Chapter 20 Gwen

After I shocked the hell out of Austin at the firing range, we went back to his place and I called Ellie to check up on her. I’m glad she decided to stay in Nashville until we find out where William is; I want her close so nothing else happens to her.

Ellie drove back to Austin’s house earlier and I tried to convince her over dinner to just stay here with us until William is found. She was adamant that she had caused enough trouble by bringing William closer to me and she didn’t want to be in the way. Austin put his foot down and told her she was staying, end of story. Emma was over the moon about it and decided that she and Aunt Ellie were going to have a slumber party in her room tonight. I can hear them talking and laughing down the hall as I clean up the dinner dishes in the kitchen.

Austin’s been acting a little strange since we got home. I tried teasing him about the shooting range again and he nodded distractedly instead of joining me in a verbal sparring match like he normally would. When Emma and Ellie disappeared to the bedroom, I walked up behind him in the living room where he was staring out the front window and I wrapped my arms around his waist. He immediately pulled away and said he had some phone calls to make. He hasn’t come out of his bedroom since then.

I’m not really used to the cold shoulder from him and I don’t know what to make of it. Does he regret sleeping with me last night? Maybe he’s decided all of my baggage is too much for him to handle. I hate feeling so conflicted and torn up over a man. I spent too many years like this and I’m pissed at myself for heading down a path I swore I’d never walk again.

I have enough going on in my life without adding this to the list of shit I have to worry about at the moment. Austin messes with my head and makes me forget the real world and I can’t afford to do that right now no matter how much I want to.

“I just got off the phone with Cole,” Austin says, walking into the kitchen and interrupting my thoughts. “I had him look up flight manifests for William. Turns out, he never even booked a flight to Chicago for that medical conference or one to come here. He’s been off the radar for a week now.”

Hearing this doesn’t make me feel any better; it just means he’s going to be even harder to track down. It also solidifies the fact that I have no business worrying about what’s going on in Austin’s head when there are more important things to worry about like keeping Emma safe.

“He probably drove. Can the police put out a bulletin to search for his license plate or something?” I ask, turning around to face him.

“Mark had a hard enough time convincing them to be on the look-out for him since the guy isn’t really wanted for any type of criminal behavior, even though he should be. There’s no way they’ll put out an APB for his car without a warrant. Fuck, I really wish you would have filed a report on him at some point,” he complains, running his hand through his hair in frustration.

I can’t stop the anger that ripples through me. How many times did I curse myself over the years for not doing that exact thing? I don’t need it thrown back in my face right now.

“Do you honestly think I don’t know that? Do you think I haven’t replayed every single moment of the last ten years over and over again and wished I had done things differently? You have no idea what it was like. There were so many good times mixed in with the bad – times when he acted like the man I fell in love with,” I explain to him. “Deciding to walk away from the only thing you’ve ever known is not an easy thing to do. I’m the one who has to live with those mistakes and I don’t need a reminder, especially from you.”

I move to walk out of the room and Austin grabs my arm to stop me. “Dammit, I didn’t mean anything by that. I’m just frustrated with the situation.”

As if I’m not. This is my daughter’s life on the line here. I’ve opened myself up to this man more than I have with anyone else. I’ve told him things I never wanted anyone to know about me because I thought I could trust him.

Shrugging out of his hold, I head towards the living room.

“Gwen, come on. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said what I did.”

I stop in the doorway and turn to face him while he continues. “This whole thing is just one big clusterfuck and I’m not used to that. I’m used to going into a situation, coming up with a plan and getting shit done. It doesn’t help that I can’t stop thinking about last night and wonder if we fucked up.”

“Wow, I didn’t realize sleeping with me would be considered a fuck up,” I tell him sarcastically.

“God dammit! Once again, that’s not what I meant. This is coming out all wrong. Sleeping with you wasn’t a fuck up by a long shot. I just meant the fact that we didn’t use any kind of protection was a fuck up.”

Oh you have got to be kidding me. That’s what his problem is right now?

“For your information, I have an IUD so you don’t have to worry about any kind of fuck up like that happening,” I tell him angrily.

“I didn’t mean to sound like an asshole. I’m just not this person,” he admits.

“I’m sorry, what person?”

He throws his hands up in the air in exasperation. “The kind of person who does the whole domestic bullshit. That’s just not me. I’m not a father and I’m not a husband.”

Shaking my head at him, I turn and walk out of the room. “I don’t remember ever asking you to be.”

He calls out to me as I walk away. “Gwen.”

I roll my eyes and keep walking. “Screw you.”

I spent the rest of the night in the spare bedroom with Ellie and Emma watching a Disney movie on the small television on the dresser. I didn’t even bother going out to the living room to sleep; I didn’t want to run into Austin for fear I would tell him everything I was thinking.

Typical man naturally assuming that after he slept with a woman she’d want more. What do I care if he thinks he’s not husband or father material? It’s not like I want that for myself again anyway. He was so freaked out about the possibility that I might have gotten pregnant after last night that he completely belittled what we shared. It meant something to me, dammit. I went into his room just wanting a release, just wanting to forget and I walked out of that room the next morning wishing I was a different person, wishing I had more to give because I thought he deserved it. It would be best for me to just forget it ever happened. My only concern right now is my daughter and doing whatever I can to give her a good life.

I drift off to sleep thinking about the choices I’ve made, knowing they were the best I could have done at the time.

I raced around the room, stuffing as many things as I could into the navy blue duffle bag I found in the back of our closet. Having one arm in a cast and two broken ribs made hurrying next to impossible, but I had to do it. This was my only chance. When I left the hospital earlier, the doctor gave me strict orders that I was to stay in bed for the next week and heal the damage caused by my ‘car accident’.

After William left me crumpled up on the floor three days ago to play poker with his friends, I knew he wouldn’t be taking me to the hospital to fix me up himself. With a call to Ellie to have her come over and watch Emma, I drove myself to a hospital in the next county – one in a bad neighborhood with a reputation for never asking questions, and one I hoped William would never find me in.

Unfortunately, when William came home from playing Poker and found Ellie at the house, he threatened to make her life a living hell if Ellie didn’t tell him where I was. She had no choice but to give him the name of the hospital; at that point, she feared him as much as I did. When I came to the next morning to find him leaning over my bed with a sick smile on his face, I knew my time was running out. If I didn’t get away from him immediately, he would make sure I was taken away from Emma permanently.

When the doctor told me I was lucky they were able to repair the damage to my arm and that it was touch-and-go if I’d ever be able to use it properly again, I knew I was done. I knew I would never be able to continue living like that. The day I came home from the hospital, I found a note from William that he had been called into an emergency surgery that would take most of the night. I didn’t have time to think or hesitate – it was now or never.

After I finished packing my bag, I crept into Emma’s room and added some of her clothes, a few Barbies and one stuffed animal. I tried not to let myself break down at the thought of taking my little girl away from everything she knew and loved.

“Baby, wake up,” I told her gently, running my hand down her head.

She grumbled in her sleep and slowly blinked her eyes open. “Hi, mommy.”

I smiled, pulling the covers off of her and helped her sit up. “I’m sorry baby, we need to go somewhere. I promise you can go back to sleep in just a little bit.”

She yawned and got out of bed, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. “Are we going on a trip?”

I tried not to wince in pain as I got down on my knees to help her out of her pajamas and into a pair of leggings and a shirt. “Yep, we’re going on a trip and we have to hurry so we can make it there in time.”

It broke my heart to lie to her, but there was no way I could tell her that we needed to hurry and get the hell out of here before her father got home from his emergency surgery.

“It’s okay, mommy. I can dress myself since you’ve got a boo-boo from the car,” she told me, taking the outfit from my hand and getting undressed.

I swallowed past the lump in my throat thinking about all the half-truths I’d told her over the years. For the most part, they went along with every single doctor’s note William filled out: I fell, I tripped, I cut myself chopping vegetables, I was in a car accident… She always believed me without question and would hover close by, helping me with whatever I needed until I healed.

I will make it up to her if it’s the last thing I do. I will never lie to her ever again.

When she finished dressing, I handed her her coat, put the bag over the shoulder of my good arm and took her hand.

“Is daddy coming with us?” she asked, as we made our way down the stairs and towards the door.

I stopped in the foyer and bent back down so I was eye-level with her, wrapping my arm around her small body. “No, baby. Daddy isn’t coming with us; he’s got a lot of work to do. It’s just going to be you and me.”

She thought about this for a moment and then smiled at me, placing her hand against my cheek. “That’s okay. I like it when it’s just you and me.”

My eyes watered and I wondered how I ever got so lucky to have this amazing little person in my life. “I love you, baby girl.”

She wrapped her arms around my neck and gave me a tight hug. “I love you too, mommy. Let’s go on our trip. Can we go to the ocean and see dolphins? Or to a princess castle?”

I stood back up and grabbed her hand, taking one last look around before I opened the door. “Well, we’re going to visit your Uncle Brady in a place called Nashville. I don’t think they have dolphins, but they have horses and cowgirls.”

As we walked out into the night, Emma chatted away about wanting to have a white horse just like a real princess. I only hoped that some day I would be able to make this up to her and give her everything her heart desired.