Worn Me Down

Chapter 27 Austin

One hour, eight minutes and twenty-seven seconds.

That’s how long Gwen and Emma have been gone from this house. A little over an hour and it already feels like I haven’t seen them in a year. I never meant to be such a prick to Gwen when I said good-bye. Fuck, that wasn’t even a good-bye, that was a kiss-off. I’m surprised she didn’t flip me the finger as she was walking out the door. I wanted to sit her down and explain to her again my reasons for not being able to stay. I never wanted our last words to be spoken in anger and I never intended to cut her so deep she couldn’t even bring herself to look at me before the door closed behind her and she walked out of my life.

At least Ellie spoke to me before they left. When I suggested driving them to the police station so Gwen could sign the report, she told me to fuck off. I wasn’t about to let them go anywhere alone even if William was behind bars; there was still one loose end that needed to be tied up. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, Cole called me as the girls were heading towards the door to tell me that Dylan Callahan came back clean. No record for stalking and when Gwen heard me say his name while I was on the phone, I had to come clean about him stopping by her office. If she were a cartoon character, there would have been smoke coming out of her ears. She told me in no uncertain terms that I was an asshole and that Dylan was a friend. They had indeed made plans to see each other for coffee while he was in town.

Right now, I feel like an asshole. I should have never hid the fact that I was planning on using her file to make sure William didn’t get away what he’d done to her. I thought I was protecting her by keeping things from her, but I should have known better. She’s amazing, she’s smart and she’s a fighter. She had every right to be involved in all aspects of the plan to take down the man who terrorized her for most of her adult life.

The timer on my tactical watch goes off, signaling I need to leave if I want to catch my flight. In order for me to get to Virginia by eight tomorrow morning, I need to take a flight to Chicago tonight and then leave at five the following morning for Virginia. Standing in the middle of my living room, I can’t make my feet move. Everywhere I look, I see Gwen or hear Emma. As soon as I walk out this door, it will all be gone – the smiles, the laughs, the kisses… it will all be pushed away into a dark corner of my mind so I don’t have to think about it or wish for something I can’t have. When I walk out that door, it will be like my time with them never existed.

This is what I live for – being called in at the last minute, not knowing what to expect or what kind of danger I’ll be walking into… it’s what I was meant to do. It’s my life and fighting for something important has always made me happy.

So why the fuck am I standing here regretting the decision to go?

I should already have my go-bag in my hand and be out the fucking door leaving a cloud of dust in my wake, but Emma’s words from the previous day echo through my head.

“I love you, Austin. Can you tuck me in to bed every night?”

I never wanted this to happen; I wasn’t supposed to get attached. Stick around long enough to make sure Gwen and Emma were safe and then get the fuck out of here. I never expected sleeping with Gwen would stir up a shit storm of foreign emotions inside of me. I never expected to spend time with a kid and actually enjoy it. What the fuck is wrong with me?

You love them, you asshole.

Oh, fuck no. That’s not it. I like spending time with them, that’s all it is. It made me wish I had a different childhood and could be a different person. Gwen was wrong, I’m not afraid; I just don’t want that kind of life.

It’s complete and total bullshit that I’m actually contemplating calling Captain Risner back and telling him to find someone else. I am not this man. Gwen and Emma have spent enough time turning me inside out and my life upside down. It’s time for me to get the fuck out of here before I do something stupid and completely fuck up my career.

William is in jail where his sorry ass belongs, Dylan isn’t a creepy ass stalker with a twenty-year old obsession and Gwen and Emma are safe now; my job is done.

Grabbing my go-back from the floor by my feet, I toss it over my shoulder, determined to stick with the plan I’ve had all along – leave when the job is finished and don’t look back.

Of course the fucking flight is delayed. All I want to do is get out of this God forsaken town and now I’m stuck here for who knows how long. At least my connecting flight doesn’t leave until tomorrow morning so I have plenty of time.

“Daddy!”

Turning around at the sound of a little girl’s shout, I see a man in military fatigues walk through the door from the gangway with a crowd of other passengers whose plane just landed. As soon as he sees the girl, his face lights up with happiness and his eyes fill with tears. He drops his go-bag to the ground and races towards her. It’s like something out of a fucking Hallmak card or cheesy chick flick. The little girl, around Emma’s age, throws herself into his arms and he scoops her up, cradling her to him as tightly as he can.

I had seen the little girl and her mom pacing back and forth nervously with a few airport personnel while I stood here. Since 9-11, if you don’t have a ticket, you don’t get anywhere near the gate, but when it involves a soldier coming home from war, the airlines make exceptions.

Right now, I can’t take my eyes off of the scene in front of me no matter how much I want to look away. The woman joins in on the tearful reunion, wrapping her arms around both of them. The man finally looks away from the little girl to kiss his woman, telling her he loves her, and apologizing for being gone so long and missing so much.

“Baby, we were fine, you don’t have to apologize. This is what you do and I’m so proud of you. I’m just happy to have you home again,” the woman tells him through her tears.

“Daddy, can you tuck me in to bed every night now?” the little girl asks him.

My heart constricts like someone reached into my chest and wrapped their hands around it in a vice grip. It takes everything in me not to crumple to the floor in pain. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think I was having a heart attack right now, but I know that’s not it. Standing here watching this family reunite after so many months apart and seeing strength and love shining in the woman’s eyes, I realize what a huge mistake I made. Military families do this day in and day out. They say good-bye to a loved one and they do what they have to do to survive until they can be together again. It’s hard and it’s painful but if you love each other, anything is possible.

I love Gwen and Emma. I love the idea that when I leave to go on a mission, they’ll be there waiting for me with open arms when I get back. I love seeing all the pink Barbie shit strewn throughout my house and I love teaching Emma how to be a soldier. I love that Gwen will tell me when I’m being an ass and I can tell her when she’s being stubborn. I love that they both accepted me in their life and saw something in me that I never saw in myself. I don’t know how to be a husband or a father, but I can learn if Gwen and Emma will teach me. If anyone has the strength to be with a man who has a job like I do, it would be Gwen.

With one last look at the family next to me, I turn and race as fast as I can out of the airport. It’s time for me to get my head out of my ass and go get my girls; I just hope it’s not too late.