Hard To Love You

25 Better in time - Hailey -

August

Three months later...

The seven stages of a breakup: Stage Five – The Turn

My life is finally starting to feel as if it’s getting back to normal. Things are calmer here and I’m not as angry as I was months ago. I feel like I’m ready to get back into the swing of things. Granted I haven’t spent much time outside the four walls of my new bedroom. Zeke helped me set up my room so the only time I ever have to leave is to go to the bathroom or eat.

A week after moving into Bentley’s house, MacKenzie, Hunter and Ryder came for a visit. There were lots of tears, drinking and carrying on. Friday night, when they arrived, MacKenzie showed up with two bottles of wine, The Notebook and chocolate. Of course I started crying the second my eyes landed on hers, I missed the hell out of my best friend. After I hugged and kissed Ryder all over, MacKenzie and I escaped up to my room while the boys all hung out downstairs.

We talked about Mason and Lily, a lot. She mostly listened and chimed in here and there. Our hate towards Lily and Brittany was mutual and we would plan to get our revenge somehow. MacKenzie told me she hasn’t talked to Mason much since the Saturday she found out I was gone. He pretty much kept to himself and still refuses to talk about what happened that night at the bar when all this drama first went down. MacKenzie said that Cooper has tried to get him to open up but he just avoids it at all cost.

MacKenzie wraps me in her arms, “Hailey, you’re like a sister to me and always will be. I need you to worry about you for a while, okay? Screw Mason and everything else that has happened. I want the girl that you use to be back. The crazy, sassy, not giving a shit about anyone or anything, Hailey. You lost her and I want her back.”

She’s right, I’m not the same. I’m sad and emotional. “I’ll work on it, for you and for me. Thank you for understanding and listening to Kenzie. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

Two bottles of wine later, MacKenzie and I had passed out in my bed, cuddled up to each other. Hunter came to collect his wife but she looked too comfortable so he and Ryder left her there and went back to the hotel alone.

On Saturday, we took Ryder to the beach in the morning and then to Virginia Aquarium. Spending time with them made me ache for Mason and to feel like I still belonged in their family, but I felt a little off. Things feel a bit strained because, at the end of the day, MacKenzie is Mason’s little sister. Little things she does remind me of Mason and it stings. In a way, by spending this time with her I feel like I’m also saying a little goodbye to MacKenzie as well. I need the time to heal and make myself feel whole again. I love all the Cahills in their own way and would lay my life on the line for them if need be, but for right now I needed the distance. Saturday night I got a little bonding time with Ryder while MacKenzie and Hunter went to get new tattoos from Zeke. Bentley was stuck at work so that left Logan and I home alone with Ryder. Logan was great with him. He said he had become used to being around little kids since his sister had a baby, right around the same time MacKenzie did. MacKenzie called me later that night and said that they were going to be later than they expected. I told her I would keep Ryder with me overnight and give the two of them the night off. While MacKenzie was getting her tattoo, Logan met Hunter back at the hotel to get something for Ryder to sleep in. The end of the night wrapped up with Logan and I sleeping on the couch and Ryder in his pack-n-play.

Sunday morning came too fast and MacKenzie, Hunter and Ryder had to get on the road since Hunter had to work on Monday morning. I was really upset when they left and a few tears were shed. Logan swooped in and saved the day, though. He took me parasailing.

I couldn’t believe how well we were getting on, we chatted with ease on the way down to the marina, “I’ve always wanted to try parasailing but life always got in the way when I was down here the last time, you know.”

Logan turns his turn signal on when we come up to the traffic light. “Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. Your freshman year wasn’t too much fun, huh? Seemed like there was drama following you and Kenzie everywhere.”

I laughed, “You can say that again.”

Logan looked over at me and frowned, “I’m sorry that I was part of that. I wish I would have tried harder to make you understand what happened in the library that day with Brittany.”

Later on, after we were on the boat, just off shore, I let all my worries go. Being above the water with only a parachute, the wind in my hair and the sun beating down, was kind of freeing. The view was beautiful; dolphins jumping and swimming underneath me, couples walking the beach, little kids building sandcastles and people playing and splashing in the ocean.

A few hours and lots of fun later, Logan asked, “You want to take a walk on the beach?”

I smiled over at him and agreed. “I’m not ready for this day to be over yet.”

Logan smirked, “Last one there is a rotten egg.” Then he took off like a bat out of hell.

I yelled after him, “No fair, your legs are too long.”

After Logan and I were done acting like little kids, playing around in the sand, writing our names in the sand and helping a little girl build a sandcastle, we went across the street to one of the best little places to eat, called The Raven. Logan and I sat in there eating and drinking for hours. I thought things would have been weird between us after I pretty much avoided him my whole freshman year, when I thought he was messing around with someone else on the side. I’m glad I cut ties with Logan back then; it just wasn’t in our cards to be together. Talking with Logan came easy, yeah the occasional fan came over and wanted to talk to Logan about the upcoming year and he nicely answered their questions and then dismissed them. If this was Mason he would have made them putty in his hands. Logan and Mason are so different and it’s kind of refreshing, but not, at the same time. Logan has the blonde hair that is all over the place but looked good, Mason’s hair is dark and he keeps a short. Logan is toned, but really skinny, with long legs, which works for him considering he’s a running back for ODU. Mason is toned but more filled out for his six foot frame. And the biggest opposite is the way they carry themselves. Logan is sweet, gentle, funny and caring. Mason is cocky, sarcastic, conceited, and temperamental on the outside, unless you know the real Mason; the one that is protective, caring, loving and affectionate.

After our second beer, Logan says hesitantly, “Bentley kind of filled me in on what happened with Mason.”

I set my beer down on the table, “Of course he did. Bentley’s like a girl when it comes to gossip.” I laughed.

Logan laughed right along with me and then his mood went somber, “I was surprised by all that. I thought that Mason and you would wind up getting married.”

My mood shifted again and the ache in my chest came back, but not for long. Logan started being really sweet, telling me all the things that I needed to hear. “There are more fish in the sea.”

I try to smile through the sadness, “I know but it doesn’t make it any easier.”

“True, but you’re too beautiful to be tied down by anyone just yet.”

And just like that my mood changed again. I smirk over at Logan this time, “Are you trying to get into my pants, Logan?”

He looks at me bashfully and then looks away at a couple walking in. “Things always have a way of working themselves out, you know.”

By the time we finish our beer I’m ready to go home and put this day behind me, and take another step forward.

Bentley got me a job answering phones, filing and performing general office duties at his aunt’s doctor’s office. The pay was good and it was close to the house so I could actually walk. Most of the time, one of the guys were around though, and they always offered to give me rides. I started pitching in for the bills and I felt more like I belonged now and not like a freeloader. Most of the nights I would cook dinner while the guys cleaned up afterwards. We all had a nice routine down.

Bentley is still throwing his crazy ass parties, which I only hang around at for a little bit. A few times I got pretty toasted and those were the nights that I missed Mason the most. Other times Logan and I would hang out, in either my room or his, watching movies.

The boys were pretty clean but I still refused to clean the bathrooms. It was bad enough I had to share a shower with them, I sure as shit wasn’t cleaning up after them. Bentley was still Bentley, playing his little pranks on me. I learned my lesson long ago to always check before you sit, you never know when he would put saran wrap on the toilet bowl. He even ruined Oreos for me. I had opened a packet and he got a hold of them one night when I went to bed and scrapped out the cream in the middle and replaced it with tooth paste. Most disgusting thing ever. He would often ask how I was doing and each time the answer was better. I wasn’t back to the old Hailey, and I don’t know if I ever would be. I felt like I grew up a little after all the Mason drama that went down.

Zeke had talked me into getting a tattoo. It took me about two weeks before I finally decided to just let him do his thing. There are four, pink, stargazer lilies on my right side. The first lily starts right where my bra lies - it was a fun time while that was healing - and the last one sits on my right hip. There are intricate lines that wrap all around the lilies, making it look even more striking and feminine. It hurt like a bitch and I whined the whole time but Zeke said I handled it like a champ. Once I got one I couldn’t stop. My next trip was for a tattoo and a piercing. The piercing is a dermal anchoring on my left hip that acted as a center for another flower that Zeke tattooed a week later. I am getting the other side done in the next week or so.

While life continued I do my best to move forward, but there isn’t a day that I don’t think about Mason. I miss him so much. Some days I feel like picking up the phone, just so I could hear that raspy voice that I longed for. I never do though, because the pain would only be worse in the end. I delete Mason from my Facebook account; change my email address and cell phone number. I feel like this is the only way to try and erase him from my life. I have to try to move on. Despite my progress, most nights I cry myself to sleep. One of the first few days I was there Logan heard me crying. He climbed in my bed and held me, trying to soothe my sadness. At first, being in arms not belonging to Mason felt foreign but there was something familiar about Logan’s embrace. He managed to ease my sobs until they were nothing more than a few stray tears and I fell fast asleep. It was the most peaceful sleep I’d had since things with Mason ended. From that night forward I have shared a bed with Logan. In the mornings Logan returns to his room and I go about my day. We haven’t talked about our sleeping arrangements but I feel a change with Logan. After he and I both get home from work I would catch him watching me. He always fixes me a plate of food while he gets his. Logan allows me to shower before him. I wonder about that one because he’s in there for an awfully long time after I get out. I try not to think about it but if I’m honest it kind of feels good knowing I affect him.

Just this morning, when I woke up, Logan was watching me sleep. I could feel his eyes on me before I even opened mine. When I rolled on my side to face him he lifted my chin so he could look me in the eyes. His face inched closer to mine, I froze. I wasn’t sure if I was ready for this with Logan just yet but then I told myself to relax and Logan kissed my cheek, before rolling out of bed and leaving me there with my thoughts. Could this routine become something more? Could I actually start another relationship? Was I ready? Was Logan the right person to try that with? All these question swarm in my head.

After I’d finished getting ready for work I went downstairs to get my coffee. Logan was standing in the kitchen. He winked at me when I walked over to the coffee maker.

“Morning.”

I laughed, “Morning.”

I glanced down at the coffee maker and I see my travel mug is already made and waiting for me. I looked up to Logan smiling at me.

“Thank you.” I stood on my tiptoes to kiss him on his cheek but he turned and I kiss him on the lips. I freeze mid-kiss. His lips were different but familiar too. They weren’t the soft, pouty ones that I craved but they were warm and inviting. After a few seconds I broke off the kiss and stared at Logan in shock.

Logan mumbled, “I’m sorry.”

I narrowed my eyes at him, “No you are not.”

He walked towards the fridge, “You’re right. I’m not.”

I smiled. I think I am actually ok with the kiss. “Don’t let it happen again.” I joked with him.

“Okay, whatever you say.” Logan said with his head shoved in the fridge, looking for something.

I grabbed my travel mug and started to walk away from him so that I could get to work on time but as I passed by him his hand came out and smacked me on the ass. “See you later, honey.”

I squeaked in surprise. I didn’t answer him back as I walked out of the house with a big ass smile on my face. Today was going to be a great day. The sun is shining, it’s not too hot and I just got my first, post Mason, kiss and I’m okay.