The Vanishing Point

38

When Scarlett came back from the chemo session, she was wrecked. The drugs had ripped the energy out of her, leaving her a pale husk. But it wasn’t the chemo or the bereavement itself that had broken her. According to Simon, who had brought her back, she’d had a text from Joshu’s sister Ambar on the way home. Ambar had stated categorically that neither Scarlett nor Jimmy would be welcome at her brother’s funeral. ‘If you have any respect for my family, please stay away. You have no place at a Hindu funeral.’

‘Fucking bitch,’ Scarlett said weakly once we’d got her to bed. ‘Fucking, fucking bitch.’ She gripped my hand so tight I could almost feel the bruises forming. She spoke in broken fragments of sentences. ‘I’m going to show her. Tomorrow, Steph. We’ll get started. We’re going. To organise a memorial service. For all the people. That knew the real Joshu. Not this fake. Perfect son his family are trying to create.’

‘That’s a great idea,’ I said. ‘We’ll give him a proper send-off. You’re right, his friends should have the chance to say goodbye. But in the meantime you need to rest.’

She let go of my hand. I could see the fight draining out of her. ‘Sleep now,’ she said. ‘Everything hurts, Steph. My body and my heart. Everything.’

I stayed with her till she fell asleep, which took less than five minutes. She looked so frail, so pale, the dark circles under her eyes a new addition since the start of the chemo. She looked closer to death than Joshu ever had.

When I left Scarlett, Leanne was carrying Jimmy downstairs. He was grizzling softly, repeating, ‘I want my mummy,’ in a low monotone.

‘We’re going for a little swim before bedtime,’ she said, looking worn out. ‘Do you want to come too?’ She sounded almost desperate.

Obviously we weren’t going to tell Jimmy anything that night. But he clearly sensed there was something bad going on. I didn’t feel much like swimming, but I reckoned opportunities for relaxation would be in short supply over the coming days. And the kid needed a bit of love and attention. In spite of my gloom, I enjoyed frolicking in the water with Jimmy, who perked up as soon as we all started playing. When Leanne finally took him off to bed, too tired to miss his mother, I stayed in the water, swimming lazy laps and thinking about Nick Nicolaides, wondering whether I’d ever see him again.

The next few days were chaotic. Breaking the news to Jimmy was more harrowing for Scarlett than for her son, who was too young to understand the import of what she was telling him. He cried because she was crying, but we all knew he hadn’t grasped the reality that his dad wouldn’t be coming back. ‘He’s going to keep asking about Joshu, and I’m going to have to keep explaining it again and again,’ Scarlett said afterwards. ‘And then one day it’ll sink in and his little heart will be devastated.’

What none of us wanted to think about was how it would be for Jimmy when the day came that he understood how his father had died. With luck, he would be secure and happy enough in his own skin not to be thrown completely off course by the information. But it would be hard to assimilate, however well adjusted he turned out.

But telling Jimmy was only a small part of what we had to get through in the days after Joshu’s death. Scarlett was determined that the memorial service for Joshu should be held as soon as possible. I think she saw it as a spoiler for whatever his parents had planned. ‘They didn’t give a stuff about him when he was alive. They don’t have the right to own him now he’s dead,’ she said. The morning after we heard the news, she dragged herself out of bed and into the kitchen in spite of our protestations. ‘I’ve got a to-do list,’ she said. ‘Then I’ll go back to bed.’

I really didn’t have the time for sorting out Joshu’s memorial. I had work of my own and deadlines to meet. But friendship trumps work in my world. ‘Give me the list,’ I said. ‘We’ll sort it out, won’t we, Leanne?’

Leanne looked less than thrilled, but she nodded agreement. She gestured to the low table and chair where Jimmy was singing to himself and eating cereal with his Power Rangers posable figures. ‘I’ll take Jimmy to nursery, then I’ll muck in.’

‘No,’ Scarlett said, mutiny on her face. ‘I loved him. This is the last thing I can do for him and I want to do it myself.’

It was a fine sentiment, but it wasn’t practical. ‘I know you do. And it says a lot for you that you still feel like that in spite of the way he treated you. But the most important thing you can do for him now is stand tall and proud at his memorial service. You have to be strong for Jimmy as well as yourself. Leave the nuts and bolts to us. What you need to do is nothing. You need to be amazing at his send-off. You need to show the world you’re winning your personal fight.’ I pulled her into a tight hug.

‘Yeah, you’re Kate Winslet in Titanic,’ Leanne said. ‘You gotta show them, Scarlett. Joshu’s gone, but you go on.’

I stifled an embarrassed snort of laughter at the image Leanne had conjured up. ‘Show the world that you’re a survivor, Scarlett. And in years to come, Jimmy will take strength from that. An amazing memorial for his dad, with you at the heart of it.’

To be honest, she didn’t take much persuading to head back to bed. She squatted down beside Jimmy and played Power Rangers with him for a few minutes, then hugged him tight. They walked into the cloakroom hand in hand, where she zipped him into his coat, handed him off to Leanne then staggered back down the hall and up the stairs, refusing my arm and muttering under her breath.

Organising the memorial wasn’t the easiest task I’ve ever taken on. Obviously, anywhere with formal religious associations was out of the question. Scarlett had no particular Christian affiliation and Joshu was as lapsed as it was possible to be, in spite of his parents’ determination to give him a proper Hindu funeral. Leanne and I sat at the breakfast bar scratching our heads, trying to figure out what to do. Outdoors was too dodgy – you can never rely on British weather. The last thing Scarlett needed was for the heavens to open and for the memorial to descend into muddy farce.

It was Leanne who suggested a club. It was where Joshu had spent his working life, after all. My first reaction was to reject the idea – clubs are dark, subterranean caves that look cheap and tatty with the lights switched on. Leanne, whose life as Scarlett had made her almost as much of an expert as Joshu in the world of dance and DJs, couldn’t think of a single one that wasn’t a dingy dive at heart.

But neither of us could come up with an alternative. In desperation, I hit Google. There were a couple of top ten London club lists, and I took a look at them. ‘Found it,’ I yelped, turning the laptop round to show Leanne. ‘Paramount. The thirty-first floor of Centre Point. Windows all round, it has to look good in daylight. It says there are amazing views down Oxford St and across central London. There’s a dance space where we could have the memorial bit. They do food too. It’s perfect, Leanne.’

She looked dubious. ‘I don’t think he ever did a gig there. I’ve never been there with him.’

‘That doesn’t matter. It’s a club. That makes it a tribute to his working life.’

‘It’ll cost an arm and a leg. Look, there’s a review that says the drinks are really expensive.’

I laughed. ‘Do you seriously think Scarlett’s going to be paying for it? By the time Georgie’s sold the rights to Yes! and some shitty TV channel, we’ll be in profit. Trust me, Leanne, this is the answer.’

Luckily both George and Scarlett agreed with me. We had a week to arrange the memorial service, and though I say it myself, we did a fantastic job. The guest list was a showbiz editor’s wet dream. Everyone who wanted to be perceived as anyone was there, along with a full complement of paparazzi and red-top columnists. Scarlett had taken our words to heart and she’d spent most of the week resting in her room. On the day itself, the make-up artist was first to arrive at the house. Thanks to her subtle work, Scarlett managed the perfect combination of fragility and radiance, walking through the crowd to the podium holding Jimmy’s hand, head held high. He looked heart-breaking, bewildered in a scaled-down black Nehru jacket and black trousers.

A couple of Joshu’s more articulate and respectable friends spoke about his professional life then Scarlett reduced the room to tears with her personal eulogy. ‘Joshu was the only man I’ve ever known who stopped the breath in my lungs. The first time I saw him, he was behind the decks under the arches at Waterloo. The way he moved, the smile on him, the

glitter in his eyes, it was like he had a spark inside him that nobody else had. I knew right then he was going to be mine.’

Never mind that the glitter and spark had probably been from cocaine; nobody in that room could have doubted that she truly loved him.

‘But loving Joshu came with a price tag. He had a head full of dreams, and it was like one life wasn’t ever going to be enough for him. Being a DJ wasn’t enough. He wanted to go beyond that, to become a record producer, to make films, to change the way people saw the world. Sadly for me and Jimmy, just being a family man wasn’t ever going to be enough for him either. Joshu had a big heart and he needed more than a simple life could offer. I couldn’t hold him down. I had to let him spread his wings, even though it broke my heart into little pieces.’ Scarlett drew in her breath and quivered on the edge of tears, then gathered her boy to her. Jimmy clutched at her dress, peering out at the crowd with wide, sad eyes.

‘The one thing that was enough for Joshu was being a dad. For all his faults, for all his frustrations, he loved his boy. He’d have thrown himself in front of a bullet for Jimmy. If there was one thing that Joshu loved without a second thought, one thing he would never have turned his back on, it was his son. And that’s how I know what happened to Joshu was an accident, not a suicide, as some journalists who know nowt have tried to suggest. Joshu would never, ever have taken himself away from Jimmy. He might have had enough of me. He might have had enough of you lot. But he would never, ever have had enough of Jimmy. So let’s raise a glass to my beautiful Joshu. Let’s remember all the times he made us glad to be alive. To Joshu!’

It was irresistible. I didn’t think there could be anyone in the room unmoved by Scarlett’s words. From my position by the podium, I looked round the room, my own gaze misted with brimming tears.

And that’s when my breath stopped in my lungs for all the wrong reasons. There, at the back of the room, leaning against the wall, was the man I’d spent so much time, money and energy escaping from. With a triumphant, ironic smile on his face, Pete Matthews tipped his finger to his forehead in a mocking salute.

What was it Faulkner said? ‘The past is never dead. It isn’t even past.’ Once I’d struggled to understand that. Now I knew exactly what it meant.