The Vanishing Point

How to Speak Like a Scarlet Harlot

all round the houses: by a circuitous route; indirectly

all sorts: all kinds of things

arsed, as in ‘can’t be arsed’: can’t be bothered

arsing about: messing around

Asian: British Asian as used here; from the subcontinent, i.e. India, Pakistan, Bangladesh.

beam ends, as in ‘on their beam ends’: also, ‘on the bones of his arse’: lacking funds; without a cent to their name

Benidorm: Benidorm is a satirical comedy series set in the Spanish resort of the same name, characterized by vast high-rise hotel complexes and ‘English pubs.’ Benidorm is the destination for many cheap package holidays for people who are interested in getting as much cheap drink and sunshine as possible in seven days. Dante would have included it in one of his circles of hell.

blagging: bluffing

a bob: a buck (literally, a pound), money: a shilling, in old predecimal money. A nickel would probably be the closest equivalent in relative value.

bones of one’s arse, as in ‘on the bones of his arse’: lacking funds

the bottle, as in ‘Has she got the bottle?’: nerve

braces, as in ‘belt and braces’: suspenders; so, belt and suspenders, metaphorically, would be thorough

carry on (as in ‘all Joshu’s carry on’): carry on baggage

CCTV: closed circuit television; spy cameras.

chalk, as in ‘not by a long chalk’: measure; so the expression means no way; by no means

chops, as in off their chops: a bit crazy; or drunk. Dependent on context

clogs, as in ‘pop one’s clogs’: die

come the, as in ‘come the toff’: pretend to be posh

copper: police officer

copping off: attracting a potential sexual or romantic partner; hooking up

cornet: a waffle cone minus the gourmet pretension

firkin: Old English unit of measure meaning a quarter barrel. Also, a barrel size.

fist, as in ‘made a better fist of’: did a better job of

grafter: hard worker

grass [someone] up: betray them

home from home : home away from home

house room, as in ‘giving thoughts like that house room’: space in your life

Indy: the Independent, a daily newspaper

jammy, as in ‘jammy bastard’: lucky

Jansch, Bert: Scottish acoustic musician, both as a founder of Pentangle and as a solo artist

lash, as in ‘on the lash’: also ‘on the razz’ or ‘on the tiles’: out drinking, generally late into the night.

Lincoln: small town in England (Lincolnshire)

lurgy, as in ‘every bloody sexually transmitted lurgy’: generic term for unpleasant disease or infection

mangle, as in ‘tit in a mangle’: wringer; an old-fashioned piece of laundry equipment consisting of two rollers set close together to squeeze the moisture out of the laundry. (You can imagine how painful it would have been to catch your breast between the rollers.)

the Manuel act: behaving like the uncomprehending and incompetent Spanish waiter in the popular sitcom Fawlty Towers

mid-table (sports): neither at the top or the bottom of the league table for soccer

MOBO: awards show specifically for Music of Black Origin

the Moonwalk: a British breast cancer charity fund-raiser

off, as in ‘got the act off’: down, got the act down

oner, as in ‘in a oner’: in one, at once

owt/nowt: anything/nothing

paps: paparazzi

Perspex: Lucite, or hard clear plastic

pillock: idiot

piss, as in ‘piece of piss’: really easy

piss, as in ‘taking the piss’: taking the mickey, making fun

plod: police officer, usually a uniform of low rank. Beat cop

the prom: promenade (seafront)

razz, as in ‘on the razz’: QV ‘on the lash’

red tops: tabloid newspapers, so-called because their mastheads are red and white, as opposed to black and white

Rollers: Rolls-Royces, Rollses

saloon, for car: sedan

Santing, Mathilde: Dutch singer

sink estates: housing projects for lowlifes

shaft, as in ‘put the shaft’: stab someone in the back. Or in the front!

shag: co-terminous with ‘fuck’ in most variations

slag: a woman of loose reputation; a woman who will reputedly sleep with pretty much anyone. QV ‘slapper’

slapper: QV ‘slag’

slebs: celebrities

spanner, as in ‘throwing a spanner into the works’: doing something that interferes with the smooth running of things

sprog: child

stop, as in ‘he’s going to stop here’: stay

a straight lift from a Catherine Tate Show sketch: something lifted from the sketch comedy of British comedian Catherine Tate. In one recurrent sketch, there is a couple whose catchphrase is, ‘What are you like?’ ‘Mental!’ It usually refers to a pretty commonplace action, the joke is that the couple are acting like they’re special and extraordinary when they’re really very mundane

tenners: ten-pound bills

thick: stupid

tiles, as in ‘on the tiles’: QV ‘on the lash

tod, as in ‘on her tod’: alone

toff: aristocrat or pretentious person

toss, as in ‘give a toss’: give a damn

tosser: term of contempt for a male. Also, ‘tosspot’. In terms of derivation, probably ‘jerk-off’ is the closest you’ll get in American English

WAGs: wives and girlfriends (of famous people). Generally of sports personalities, particularly footballers

wet Wednesday in Wetherby: a generic Yorkshire expression meaning a pretty miserable experience