Unnatural Acts

37

Herbie stood in a gymnasium that smelled of fresh paint and listened to Josh Hook, who was standing on a mat, teaching a self-defense class.

“Welcome to Strategic Defense,” Josh said. “You’ll begin your training here by taking a class that is incorrectly named. This is not a class in defensive measures, it is a class in offensive tactics. If, in protecting your client, you find yourself in a defensive posture, it is already too late to defuse the situation quickly. If you do this, or this, or this”-he assumed the postures of boxing, karate, and judo-“you are wasting time. All you’re doing is getting yourself into a fight, and while you are fighting, your client is unprotected-at least, by you.”

He took a large student by the wrist and led him in front of the class. “Assume a fighting position, any kind of fighting position,” he said to the young man, who turned his left side toward Josh and made two fists. Josh kicked him hard in the left shin. The victim grabbed his shin and hopped around on one foot, swearing. Josh kicked him in the ass, and he fell down.

“I did what women are taught to do in anti-rape classes,” Josh said. “I kicked him in the shin, and his response was to grab where it hurt and put all his weight on his other foot, making it easy for me to kick him to the ground. I could have pushed him with one finger, and he’d have gone down, but he has a big ass, and it was an inviting target.” That got a laugh from his audience. “Now he’s on the ground and at a disadvantage. If he looks like he wants to continue fighting, then I can kick him in the balls and put the thought right out of his head.” Josh helped the young man up. “I know that hurt, and I’m sorry, but I had to make a point. Get yourself an ice bag from the little freezer over there and apply it to your shin. It’ll stop hurting in a minute.” The young man limped away and did as he was told.

“My point is, when confronted with a threat, don’t wait, take action. Don’t tell him to get out of your way, don’t push him, don’t yell at him. Put him on the ground in a suitably painful way so that he won’t want to get up and take you on. By the time he’s decided he’s mad enough to fight, your client will be in the car and on his way, and so will you, and you won’t be the one in pain.

“That’s how to deal with a physical threat. The threat of a man with a weapon-a knife or a baseball bat, say-requires even quicker action. You have to act before he assumes an offensive posture, like holding the knife in front of him or backswinging the bat. A very good technique is a straight punch to the nose with either hand, while he’s still thinking about what he’s going to do to you. Don’t make your punch short-that might not stop him. Punch right through his head to a point six inches behind him. You’ll knock him on his ass, it will hurt him like hell, and he’ll be confronted with the sight of his own blood all over his shirt, which is very disturbing to almost anybody. And he will be afraid of you, giving you time to get your client into the building. By the way, when encountering that kind of opposition on the way into a building, always leave the building by another exit because the man you humiliated might be waiting outside for you, and you don’t want an angry man with a knife or a baseball bat waiting for you because next time, he’ll be ready to use his weapon.”

“What happens if he has a gun in his hand?” somebody asked.

“Not now, in a few minutes,” Josh said. “Other weak points.” Josh took Herbie by the wrist and led him forward. “Don’t worry, Herb, I’m not going to hurt you. This time.” Another laugh. “The knee is a very good place to kick a man, especially if he’s larger than you are.” He aimed a kick at Herbie’s knee, but stopped short of contact. “The only problem with the knee is, if you really connect, you may do serious damage, requiring a trip to the ER, surgery, physical therapy, and a personal injury lawsuit. But that’s what your client’s liability insurance is for. Also, you should have your own liability insurance, which is cheap as long as you don’t list your occupation on the application as ‘bodyguard.’” Another laugh.

“The throat is good for a punch,” Josh said, again demonstrating on Herbie, “but carries the same dangers as the knee, with the additional risk of death. Then there’s the solar plexus. If he’s drawing back with a baseball bat, his abdomen will be wide open for a hook to the solar plexus. If you already have your hands on your attacker’s upper arms or shoulders, the two-handed ear slap is a good shock tactic.” He brought both his open hands to Herbie’s ears. “The noise is stunning, and it’s painful enough to persuade him to be somewhere else. Cupping your hands increases the effect on the eardrums.

“You may find yourself in a situation where carrying a weapon is illegal-and you never want to break the law. If you can possibly help it. Then another kind of weapon can be useful. Not a knife or a blackjack, which is likely to get you into more trouble than your assailant, but something innocuous, like a very tightly rolled newspaper.” He picked up a Wall Street Journal from a table and began rolling it. “Nobody’s going to arrest you for carrying a newspaper, especially the Wall Street Journal, and it would be tough to sue you for it, too. But swing it across a man’s jaw, and you’ll knock him silly, and ramming it into the solar plexus will disable him for a few minutes.”

Josh picked up an umbrella from the table. “In rainy weather, the handle of an umbrella upside the head will divert an assailant’s attention from your client, same to the solar plexus, but don’t use the pointed end for that. Always use an expensive umbrella, because its handle will be heavy enough to hurt. A ten-dollar umbrella from a street vendor won’t be of much use.” He put down the umbrella and picked up a short, thick object in a plastic sleeve. “The folding umbrella-again, a high-quality one-makes a fine club, with just enough padding to keep from splitting somebody’s head open. Also, it’s a good puncher, and especially effective on the back of the neck, if you have that opportunity.”

Josh allowed Herbie to return to his place, then he sat on the table and addressed the group. “Now, let’s talk about guns. If you’re pursuing a career in protection because it allows you to shoot people legally, you’re in the wrong line of work. Join the army. Here are the rules about guns. One, never carry a gun. If it’s absolutely necessary to carry a gun, don’t, unless you’re licensed to carry a concealed weapon in the jurisdiction where you ’ re working. You are going to have a long class on how to become licensed almost anywhere, complete with the forms and fingerprinting necessary. Two, if you are carrying a gun, never withdraw the weapon from its holster. Three, if you ignore two, due to circumstances beyond your control, and withdraw the weapon from its holster, never point it at anyone. Four, if you should foolishly point it at someone, never touch the trigger. It is very good if eyewitnesses to a gun in your hand see your trigger finger laid along the barrel, instead of on the trigger. Five, if you should accidentally touch the trigger, never pull or squeeze it, unless during this whole process you have become absolutely convinced that the loss of your own life is imminent if you do not pull the trigger. Six-and this is the second most important rule, after number one-if you make the decision to pull the trigger, DO NOT MISS! We will be conducting classes in not missing every day of your visit with us.”

Josh hopped down from the table. “Now we’ll take a fifteen-minute break so that you can pee in your pants. After that, one of my associates, an expert with the fighting knife, will demonstrate to you how to introduce an assailant to his own intestines. Bring something to throw up in.” He walked out of the gym, leaving his students to mill about.