A Night in the Cemetery

THE ONLY WAY OUT

(From the History of the St. Petersburg Mutual Fund)

There was a time when accountants ripped off our company. It is terrible, thinking about those times! Not only did they embezzle, they drained the accounts. The inside of our safe was covered with green velvet, and one morning even the green velvet had been stolen. One man was in so deep that, when he took the money, he took the lock and the lid with him, too. We’ve had nine accountants in the last five years, and now, during the holiday season, we get postcards from all of them, from Krasnoiarsk, Siberia. All of them went to prison.

“This is terrible, but what can we do?” we said to each other, disappointed, when the police arrested the ninth accountant. “It is terrible, disgusting, shameful. All nine of them were scoundrels,” we said to each other, trying to think who the new accountant could be.

Who would be the best man for the job? And then we chose Ivan Petrovich, a junior accountant. He is a quiet man; he believes in God; he does not live a cushy or extravagant life, and he does not overspend. So we chose him, we prayed, and we trusted him. But not for long.

On the second day, Ivan Petrovich came to work wearing a beautiful new tie. On the third day, he came in a cab, which he had never done before.

“Have you noticed?” we were whispering a week later. “He has a new tie and new glasses, and today he invited all of us to come to his birthday party. He prays more often also; he probably has some sins to confess.”

We reported our doubts and concerns to the director.

“You think the tenth man could be a scoundrel as well?” The bank director sighed deeply. “He is a such an honest, quiet man. All right, let’s go talk to him!”

We all went up to Ivan Petrovich and crowded around his desk.

“Excuse me, Ivan Petrovich,” said the director imploringly. “Of course, we trust you. We really do! But please, let us search your desk. Please, let us do this!”

“Very well, go ahead,’ the accountant said at once.

We started counting. When we had counted out the bills, we found that four thousand rubles were missing. That was very bad. First of all, if he had stolen that much money in one week, then how would he steal in a year? Or two years? We were numb with horror and despair.

“What shall we do? Should we take him to court? We tried that before, and it didn’t work. Next, the eleventh and then twelfth accountant will steal also. You can’t take all of them to court. Should we beat him up? He will be offended. Should we sack him, and hire a new one? But the new one will steal as well. That’s not the way out. What shall we do?” Our faces were pale.

The red-faced director was looking straight into Ivan Petrovich’s eyes, leaning over the yellow counter. We all suffered, trying to think what to do with him. He was sitting in his chair, with his back straight, making calculations. We were quiet for a ling time.

“Where have you spent the money?” the director finally asked him in a trembling voice, with tears in his eyes.

“I have some personal needs, your honor.”

“Ha! Very good! You have some needs, ha! Shut up! I am going to punish you!” The director paced the room and then continued, “What shall we do? How will we stop ourselves from repeating this mistake? Gentlemen, silence, please! What shall we do?” The director thought for a while and decided,

“We can’t beat him up! Ivan Petrovich, listen, we will put the money back ourselves, and we won’t make a fuss. The hell with you! But tell us all, tell us everything plainly. Do you like women?”

Ivan Petrovich responded with a confused smile.

“Yes, I see,” said the director. “I understand. Everyone needs love, as some philosopher said. I see. Look, if you like women, then listen to me. I will give you a letter of introduction to someone. She is a wonderful woman. And I will pay for your expenses. Do you want another one? I will give you a letter of introduction to another one. A third one? I will give you a third letter as well! All three women are nice, well-grown, and attractive. Do you like wine?”

“There are different wines, your honor. For example, Lisbon Port: I cannot stand its taste. Everything has its purpose in this world, as the saying goes.”

“Don’t talk so much. I will send you a dozen bottles of champagne regularly, every single week. Listen, you will have all this, but please, do not embezzle our money. I am not ordering, but imploring you! Do you like the theater?”

And so on, and so on. In the end we decided that we would triple his salary and would provide him with a season ticket to the theater, a couple of good horses, and a brief vacation out of town every week, all at company expense. We also agreed to pay for his tailor, his cigars, his photographs, his flowers to be sent to actresses, his furniture, and his lodging. He could do whatever he wanted, as long as he did not embezzle. He must not steal!

The result? A year has gone by. Ivan Petrovich is still sitting in his chair, working at his desk. And we are delighted; we could not find a better man for the job! Everything is open, honest, and wonderful. He does not steal. Every week though, we review all our transactions, and we find a hundred or so rubles missing.

But there isn’t serious theft, it’s nothing. And besides, he said he had his accountant’s instinct still alive, so we have to make sacrifices. Let him take a little money, at least he will not dip into the thousands!

Now, our company is flourishing, and our cash desk is filled with money all the time. We pay an awful lot for our accountant, but he is only a tenth as expensive as his nine predecessors were. I guarantee you, there is hardly any other bank, company, or mutual fund that spends so little on its accountant. We are the leaders; therefore, all you managers, you are all making a big mistake if you aren’t following our example.