A Night in the Cemetery

TOO MUCH TALKING!

(Abridged)

When the land surveyor Ivan Gavrilovich Smirnov came to the railroad station at Rottenville (Gnilushki in Russian) he asked around and found out that he had to go another thirty or forty miles to the plot of land he had been requested to survey. He would have to take a cab to get there.

“Can you please tell me, sir, where can I find a cab?” the land surveyor addressed a policeman on the station platform.

“What, a cab? This is such a remote place that you cannot even find a decent dog for one hundred miles around, not to mention cabs. Where are you going?”

“To Devkino, the estate of General Hohotov.”

“I think you should go to the station building over there. Sometimes you can find local farmers, and they can give you a lift. They do this on occasion for the passengers.” The policeman yawned.

The land surveyor gave a deep sigh and slowly walked toward the station building.

There, after a lengthy search, many conversations and hesitations, he found a huge peasant, a very gloomy fellow with a pox-bitten face, dressed in a well-worn peasant coat and peasant shoes.

“God only knows what kind of cab this is. I cannot tell which is the front or back seat, it is so dark.”

“You sit in this seat here and I will sit in the other seat, which we will call the front seat,” said the driver. Finally, the cab began to rock and a little later moved slowly from its place.

“Why are you going so slowly?” inquired the land surveyor as they crept their way along the country road filled with bumps and holes. He was quite surprised by the ability of the cabman to drive with such turtlelike slowness with all the shaking that occurred with each bump.

“We will get there,” answered the cabman to calm him down. “The cab will warm up. Then no one will stop it, it will go so fast.”

When they left the railroad station, it was getting dark. A completely black, frozen prairie stretched to the right of the land surveyor, seemingly without end. If you drive there you will probably reach the devil’s remotest place. At the horizon, where the land disappeared as it merged with the sky, the evening autumn sun was dying. To the left of the road, through the darkening air, you could see some hills, either hay bales or village dwellings. The land surveyor could not see what was happening in front of them due to the huge back of the driver obstructing his view. It was cold and frosty.

“What kind of a remote place is this,” the land surveyor thought, trying to keep his nose from getting cold with the collar of his winter coat. “Not a single soul around. Anything can happen here—strangers could attack you and rob you, and no one would know. There must be robbers everywhere in these kinds of places. No one would hear you, even if you screamed as loud as you could. This driver is not safe—look at his huge back. This enormous man could flick you with one finger—and I would be done for. Look at him—he has an animallike, suspicious face, too.”

“Hey, my dear man, what is your name?” asked the land surveyor.

“My name is Kleem.”

“So, Kleem, is it dangerous around here? Do you have any problems with robbers?”

“No, not at all. Who on earth could you rob out here?”

“That’s good. Listen, just in case, I brought three revolvers,” the land surveyor lied. “I can deal with ten robbers at a time, yes, I’d take care of them.”

It was getting increasingly dark. The car slowed down, made a squeaking, squealing noise and, as if unwillingly, turned to the left.

“Where is he taking me?” the land surveyor thought. “We were going straight, and now we’ve turned to the left. Maybe he’s bringing me to a secluded place or forest to try and rob me. Anything could happen out here.”

“So you say that it is not dangerous here. That’s a pity, because I like to fight with robbers. It only seems that I am a very thin and sick-looking man, but in fact I am as strong as a lion. One day three robbers attacked me, and what do you think happened? I kicked one with such a force that he died instantly. The other two were sentenced to hard labor in Siberia. I don’t know where I get my inner strength from. Really. One day, I fought a strong man like you, kicked him once, and then he fell over dead.”

Kleem looked back at the land surveyor, winked with all his face, and sped up a little bit.

“Yes, my good man,” the land surveyor continued. “You’d better not even try dealing with me on a narrow road. Not only would the robber be without hands and feet, but he would be punished by the court. I personally know a lot of judges and police offices. I am a government officer, a very important person, and all my bosses know where I am headed. They take great care that no harm comes to me. Everywhere on my way, there are undercover police officers, assigned with keeping me safe. Wait! Where are you going?”

“Can’t you tell? We’ve entered a forest.”

“Yes, this is definitely a forest,” the land surveyor thought. “I get scared so fast. It won’t do for him to notice that I am so scared. Why is he looking back at me so often? What’s going through his mind? In the beginning the cab was hardly moving, and now—look at how he is speeding.”

“Listen Kleem, why are you going so fast?”

“I am not going fast. We were warming up the cab earlier, and now it is warmed enough to run fast, and I can’t just stop it all at once. This is the way it works for it to be able to run fast.”

“That’s a lie, but I do not recommend that you go that fast. Can you slow down, please? Do you hear me? Slow down!”

“Why should I?”

“Because, because … my four friends are following us, and it is important that they be able to catch up with me. They promised to meet up with me by this forest, and it will be much more fun to go on as a group. They are huge guys, very strong, all wearing their guns. Why are you looking back at me? Why are you so nervous? You know, I’m really not that interesting. However, I have my handguns here. Wait a second, I will pull them out and show them to you.” The land surveyor pretended to be pulling something out of his pockets, when something unexpected happened, even in his state of being scared.

Suddenly, Kleem stopped the cab, jumped out of it, and ran on all fours into the forest.

“Help,” he cried out at the top of his voice, “Help! He is trying to kill me! Help!”

The land surveyor heard his fast footsteps, the cracking of the dry wood in the forest, and then everything grew eerily still. The land surveyor, who had not expected such a turn of events, first made sure that the cab was parked. He then sat back down on his seat and started thinking, “He ran away, scared. I am a complete fool. What should I do now? I cannot keep driving as I don’t know where we are headed, and besides, everyone will think I stole the cab. What should I do?”

He cried out, “Kleem, Kleem! Where are you, Kleem?”

The echo replied, “Kleem!”

At the thought of sitting here in this dark cold forest for the whole night, listening to the wild animals and the echoes of his voice, the land surveyor felt shivers run down his spine, as if someone had poured a glass of ice water down his collar.

“Kleem! Hey, buddy!” he cried out loudly. “Where are you, Kleem?”

For two hours, the surveyor kept calling the cab driver. Then, when his voice had gotten hoarse, and he couldn’t take another minute of thinking he would be here all night, a light wind brought him someone’s moan.

“Kleem, is it you, my friend? Let us go!”

“You are going to kill me!”

“I was only joking, Kleem! Look at me! I do not have any hand guns! I was lying to you because I was so scared. Please, let us go. I am asking you! I am really getting cold. It is freezing cold out here. Please, Kleem!”

Kleem probably understood that a real robber would have long disappeared with the cab by this time. He stepped out of the forest, and warily ventured over to his passenger.

“And why was I so stupid that I got scared of you? You made a joke and I got scared! All right, let’s get back in the cab. Well, well,” Kleem mumbled sitting down in the cab. “If I knew all this, I would never have brought you with me, even for one thousand rubles. I almost died of fear.”

Kleem started the cab. It trembled and shook without starting. Kleem started it again and again it shook, making a strange noise. After the fourth attempt, it started moving, slowly rolling down the road. The land surveyor moved up the collar of his overcoat, covering his ears, and was soon lost deep in his thoughts. The rest of the trip he spent in silence. Both the road and the driver did not seem as dangerous as they had before.