A Night in the Cemetery

A CONFESSION

It was a clear, frosty, sunny day. I felt as euphoric as a cabman who just received a ten-ruble tip instead of a quarter. I wanted to cry with happiness, to smile, and to pray. I was in seventh heaven. Me, an ordinary man, to be a cashier! I was delighted because now I could steal as much money as I wanted. I’m not a thief, and I would kill anyone who called me one. But I was happy about my promotion because I had made another tiny step in my career and a small addition to my wages. That’s all.

I was happy for a few other reasons, too. When I became a cashier, I seemed to see the world through rose-colored glasses. It seemed that people had changed. It’s true, take my word of honor! It seemed to me that everyone suddenly became better. Ugly people became beautiful; proud people became humble; evil people became good; greedy people became generous. I seemed to see the world around me in a much better light. I could find good qualities in people whom I had never imagined had any.

“Strange,” I said to myself, looking at people and rubbing my eyes. “Either something has happened to all these people, or I was dull before and could not notice their qualities. What wonderful people they are!”

Mr. Kazusov, a director of our company, had also changed. He was a proud man and had previously taken no notice of lower employees like myself. I don’t know what happened to him, but he came over to talk to me. He smiled kindly at me and slapped me on the back, saying,

“You’re too self-conscious; it doesn’t suit your young years. Why don’t you drop into my office for a chat from time to time? Don’t be shy, my friend. I often invite young people like you into my home, and they have a good time there.

My daughters were just asking,

“Father, why don’t you invite Gregory Kuzmich? He is such a nice fellow.”

I said to them,

“How can I bring him into my house?”

“But you know, I promised them that one day I would invite you over. So don’t hesitate, my friend; come visit me.”

It’s so strange. What happened to him? Perhaps he has gone mad. He used to be a terrible man who hated everyone, but look at him now

When I got home, I was amazed again. At dinner, my mother gave me four helpings instead of the usual two. In the evening she served me jam, fresh rolls, and cookies. It was the same the next day: four servings and jam for tea. We had guests, and we ate chocolate. On the third day, the same thing.

“Mother, what’s happened to you?” I asked her. “Why are you spending so much? My salary hasn’t doubled. I’ve only had a tiny increase.”

My mother looked at me with surprise and said,

“How are you going to spend all this money? Are you going to save it? Invest in your bank account or what?”

What was going on? My father bought an expensive fur coat and hat; he started drinking those pricey mineral waters and eating grapes in the middle of the winter! Five days later, I received a letter from my brother. Before, my brother could not stand me. I had said good-bye to him because of differences in temperament. He thought that I was an egoist, a ne’er-do-well; that I could not make sacrifices; and he hated me for it. In his letter, I read the following:

“Dear brother, I love you very much. You cannot imagine how much I suffered after our last quarrel. Let us be reconciled, let us extend the hand of friendship; and let there be peace between us, I implore you. I await your answer. Love and kisses, Evlampy.”

Oh, my dear brother. I replied that I loved him, too, and that I was very joyful. A week later, I received a telegram from him, saying,

“Thank you, I am so happy. Please send me a hundred rubles. I need them very much. Embracing you, Ivan (Evlampy).” I sent him a hundred rubles.

Even she changed. She never used to love me. When I hinted to her that something had happened to my heart, she told me that I was rude, that I was too bold; and she slapped my face. A week later, after the promotion, she invited me to see her; she smiled sweetly, making dimples in her cheeks, and looked surprised.

“What’s happened to you?” she asked, looking at me. “You look so nice today. How did you manage to change so fast? How come you’ve become so handsome? Let’s go out dancing together.”

Oh, dear! A week later, her mother became my mother-in-law: I became a better person for all of them. I badly needed three hundred rubles in cash, so I quietly took it from the company. Why shouldn’t I take it? I know that I will put it back as soon as payday comes around. So, I took the money, and I also took a hundred rubles for Mr. Kazusov. He had asked me for a loan. I could not refuse him. He is an important person in the company, and he could have me fired. [“This is where the editor found the story too long, and crossed out 73 lines, thus cutting down on the author’s royalties.”—Chekhov’s comment.]

A week before I was arrested, I threw a party for them at their request. Let them eat as much as they want, let them fill their fat bellies, what the hell! I did not count the people at the party, but I remember that all nine of my rooms were packed. Big and small, young and old—there were even some dignitaries before whom Mr. Kazusov bowed to the ground.

His daughters, the eldest of whom was my love, blinded us with their gowns. I had paid a thousand rubles just for the flowers for them. It was delightful. The music was loud, the lights were bright, the champagne flowed like water. People made long speeches and short toasts. A local journalist dedicated an ode to me, and another wrote a ballad in my name.

“Here in Russia, we do not appreciate kind people like Ivan Kuzmich,” Mr. Kazusov cried during dinner. “And what a pity! What a pity for Russia!”

All of them who were smiling, yelling, kissing me—they were whispering behind my back, and pointing at me whenever I looked away. But I saw all of their secret vicious smiles and fingers.

“He stole all this money, what a naughty boy!” they whispered to each other, smiling evilly.

But neither their fingers nor their smiles interfered with their abilities to eat and drink, and enjoy their dinner.

Not even wolves and diabetics eat as much as they ate. My wife, who was shining with gold and diamonds, came over to me and whispered,

“They say you stole all this. If it’s true, be warned: I cannot live with a thief. I’ll leave you!”

She said this while adjusting her five-thousand-ruble dress. Well, who knows about women! Later that evening, Kazusov borrowed another five thousand from me. My brother Evlampy borrowed again.

“If what they say is true,” my honest brother whispered, pocketing the money, “then beware. I cannot be the brother of a thief.”

After the party was over, I hailed several luxurious cabs and troikas and took them all out of town for a ride.

It was six in the morning when we finished. We were exhausted with wine and women, and we decided that it was time to go home.

When the sleigh started moving away, they shouted after me, “Tomorrow we will begin the audit. Thank you, merci!”

Ladies and gentlemen, I was caught. To be exact, yesterday I was an honest and decent man. Today I am a scoundrel, a thief, and a con artist. Now you can yell at me, gossip about me. You can be shocked, you can take me to court, send me to prison, write editorials, throw stones, but please, not all together! Not all at once!