A Night in the Cemetery

AN EXPENSIVE DOG

Sergeant Oaks, an elderly officer, and his friend, the post office worker Mr. Knapps, were sharing a bottle of wine in the Oaks house.

“A great dog!” said Mr. Oaks, showing his dog Darling to Mr. Knapps. “A wonderful dog! Just look closely at its face!! A dog with a face like this costs a lot. A true dog lover would pay at least two thousand rubles for this face. Don’t you think so? Don’t you believe me? Then, you don’t understand anything about dogs.”

“Well, I only know a little about dogs.”

“Just look here; this is a setter, a British purebred. It can smell game from a great distance. Do you know that I paid one thousand rubles for a puppy? What a great dog! Darling! Look at me, Darling, come to me, my little doggy!”

Mr. Oaks brought his Darling doggy closer and kissed her between her ears. Tears of admiration appeared in his eyes.

“I will never give you away, my special dog! I know you love me, Darling, don’t you? Hey, get away; you put your dirty paws on my uniform jacket. Now, Mr. Knapps, listen, I paid fifteen hundred rubles for a puppy. It was worth it! But it’s a pity that I don’t have time for hunting. This dog’s instincts are wasted without hunting practice, and its rare talent is slowly being lost. So, I would like to sell it. Buy this dog, Knapps, you will be grateful to me forever…. If you don’t have enough money, I’ll cut the price. Take it for five hundred, and rob me as you do it.”

“No, my dear friend.” Mr. Knapps sighed. “If your Darling were male, maybe then I would have bought it.”

“Darling is not a male?” The sergeant looked puzzled. “Knapps, you are joking! Darling is not male? Humph! Why do you think he is a female? Look at him! Ha-ha! My understanding is that you cannot see the difference between a male and a female.”

Knapps looked offended, “Surely, this is a female. You talk to me as if I were a blind man or a little baby.”

“And maybe you are going to tell me that I am a woman, too? My dear Mr. Knapps! And you have graduated from a technical school! No, my dear, this is a real purebred male dog! Even more—he will give ten points ahead to any other male. And you say that he is not a male dog! Ha-ha-ha.”

“Excuse me, Michael, my friend, but do you take me for a complete idiot?”

“All right, if you don’t want it, you do not have to buy it. I can’t make you. Maybe soon you are going to tell me that this is not a tail but a leg! I was just trying to do you a favor. Hey, Vakromev, bring us some more brandy.”

The butler brought another bottle of brandy. Both friends poured a glass each. They were lost in their own thoughts. Half an hour passed in silence.

“Even if this is a female,” the sergeant interrupted the silence, looking gloomily at the bottle of brandy, “it is even better for you. She will give you puppies, and every puppy could be sold at least for two hundred fifty rubles each. Everyone would come to you to buy her puppies. I don’t know why you don’t like females! They are a thousand times better than males. Females are more grateful and more attached. If you are so afraid of females, all right, take it for two-fifty.”

“No, my friend, I won’t give you a single penny. First of all, I do not need the dog, and second, I do not have money at the moment.”

“You should have told me about this earlier. Hey, Darling, get out of here. Vakromev, bring us something to eat!”

The butler served scrambled eggs. Both friends started eating, and cleared their plates in silence.

“You are a great guy. You’re an honest, straightforward man,” said Mr. Oaks, as he was wiping his lips. “But I don’t see why you should be going away empty-handed. You know what? Take this dog for free!”

“Where can I keep it?” Knapps asked, sighing. “Who will take care of it?”

“All right, all right. If you don’t want it, then you don’t need it. What the hell? Where are you going? Sit down, everything is fine. Sit down.” Knapps stood up and stretched.

“It is time for me to go,” Knapps said after a deep yawn.

“Wait a second! I will see you off,” said Mr. Oaks.

Mr. Knapps and Mr. Oaks got their coats on and went out into the street. They walked the first hundred steps in silence.

“Do you know where I can give my dog away?” the sergeant inquired, breaking the silence. “Do you know anyone? The dog is nice, it is purebred, but I really do not need it.”

“I don’t know, my friend, really. I don’t have any other friends around here.”

The rest of the way to Mr. Knapps’s house, not a single word passed between them. In front of the Knapps house, as they shook hands in front of his gates, Sergeant Oaks suddenly cleared his throat and undecidedly asked,

“Do you know where the local animal shelter is? Maybe they accept dogs now.”

“I think they do. But I cannot tell you for sure.”

“I will send my butler to bring the dog to them. What the hell! It’s a terrible, disgusting dog! As if it is not bad enough for it to go to the washroom in my living room, but—even more—yesterday, it ate all the meat in my kitchen. Dirty dog! And if only it were a nice breed—but no, it is has no breeding at all, just a cross between stray dog and pig. Good night!”

“See you later,” said Mr. Knapps, and closed the gate that led to the street.