All Whom I Have Loved

30

The next day, Father left for his high school and I stayed alone in the room. In the daylight, it looked narrow and sooty. I opened the window and my eyes widened: the huge river, the River Prut, flowed right outside the house. I was so delighted that from sheer happiness I ran outside. Halina had told me so much about the Prut. I hadn't imagined that it could be so powerful. I stood on the bank and didn't dare touch the water.

The landlord saw me and asked, “Who are you?”

I told him my name.

He looked at me, smiled, and said, “It's you.” Father must have told him that I was coming.

The river was surging, its waves breaking against the banks. It was frighteningly wide, but I overcame my fear and stayed where I was. Once, Halina told me, “You mustn't be afraid.” I try to do everything she told me.

I wrapped my coat around me and sat gazing at the flowing river. Father had left me sandwiches, fruit, and a small bar of chocolate. Whenever I got hungry, I went back to the room, nibbled at something, and returned to the river.

It's strange — yesterday I was in Storozynetz and here I am today. Did Mother also see me, just as I saw her now? Mother taught in her school, and in the afternoons she went to André. At night they lay naked in bed, embracing and kissing. This thought came back to me again and again and drove me crazy. I tried to push it out of me.

Suddenly, I saw Mother standing as she stood when Father took me away with him, her face swollen and a cry of fear frozen on her lips. I immediately swore to myself that as soon as I grew up I would go and rescue her from that blond thug. This thought so stirred me that I left the Prut and went inside.

The light grew colder, and snowflakes drifted down in the wind and melted as they landed. Last night, with absolute clarity, I saw Halina borne aloft on the wings of angels. It was a peaceful, blue sight. When she saw me, she called out with a mischievous smile, “Why don't you visit me in the chapel? I'm there most of the day.” I remembered her once telling me that, through prayer, we can change everything. If we are fated to die, prayer can cancel the decree.

“If prayer is so strong, why don't people pray?” I asked.

“They don't know its power; if they knew, they would pray.” She spoke not only of prayer but of God as well. “If man believes in God, God dwells within him and no harm can befall him.”

“I don't understand, Halina.”

“Through prayer we are connected to Him; the trees and the birds are also connected to Him.”

“God is everything,” I said.

Halina was so amazed at what I said, she hugged me and kissed me and would not stop till she had said, “I'll gobble you all up and there'll be nothing left of you!”

It was always hard to guess what Father was thinking. Sometimes it seemed that he talked only with God, but there were days when I sensed that he was not connected to anyone, not even to God, and that he lived by himself, all alone, and no one knew his secret.

And so I sat and gazed at the waters of the Prut, and it occurred to me that if everything was connected to God, the Prut was also connected to Him, so there was nothing to fear from it.

In the afternoon, it rained. I had hoped that when the rain stopped I could stand on the riverbank, but it rained harder and I got drenched. I went inside, stood next to the window, and saw battalions of clouds racing through the skies and lashing their rain down on the black waters of the Prut. It was a struggle between heaven and earth, and it was hard to understand what it was about. So I sat and observed. And the longer I sat, the more I saw everything darkening; it was clear to me that Halina would not visit me here. My prayers at night returned empty. I opened the door and went outside. The rain and the wind whipped my face, and I felt a pressure in my chest. “God, let me see Halina!” I called out.

“She's in the chapel” came the answer. “If you come to Storozynetz, you'll be able to see her. Many people come to see her.”